How to handle anxiety about loved ones dying
July 20, 2017 1:53 AM Subscribe
How should I handle frequent anxiety about my loved ones dying?
I am very fortunate in many ways. I grew up in a very loving family, and am in my mid-thirties without anyone close to me dying. I have lived and worked in other countries, and now I live and work close to my family. I have an almost constant anxiety and fear about my parents and grandma dying and I am wondering how best to manage it, enjoy the time I have with them while not letting the anxiety take hold of my life.
Intellectually, I know that death is a part of life. However, the thought of life without them is inconceivable and I feel like I wouldn't be able to go on. To me, the worst part of death would just be missing the person. That you can never talk or see them again. I realize this is selfish. My grandmother is the light of my life- she is an inspiration and despite a hard early life in many
ways, is one of the most optimistic and encouraging people I've ever met. She's in her early 90s, and loves to email (her hearing is going) but shows some signs of mentally slipping in some ways. My parents are in their 60s and mid 70s (dad) and they have some health problems but are mostly in good health.
This past year was the hardest one of my life. My ex boyfriend whom I loved very much started showing signs of mental health problems and neediness and later stalked me and tried to break into my house. He was arrested and has a no contact order. I do not want to ever see him again and know that I can't. I still have some empathy for him because he was dealt the worst hand early on in life and is constantly struggling. My parents (and grandma, though she doesn't know all the details) have been an immense support for me throughout this. I don't know how I could have got through it without them. I still haven't found my footing. I'm a bit rudderless and now see the world as world differently. I don't have a drive to travel and I'm guarded instead of the more free spirited person I used to be.
The anxiety about death is worst at night. Sometimes as I'm falling asleep and I get a vision of someone dying and jolt myself awake in a panic. Mostly, thoughts and worries about death occupy my mind throughout every day.
I know I can't make them live forever. I wish I could. What would you do or what do you wish you had done? I keep in regular contact and we spend meaningful time together but I always worry it's not enough. I want to help them more and I don't want to burden them any more with my troubles, but I don't feel strong enough to be that person.
I am very fortunate in many ways. I grew up in a very loving family, and am in my mid-thirties without anyone close to me dying. I have lived and worked in other countries, and now I live and work close to my family. I have an almost constant anxiety and fear about my parents and grandma dying and I am wondering how best to manage it, enjoy the time I have with them while not letting the anxiety take hold of my life.
Intellectually, I know that death is a part of life. However, the thought of life without them is inconceivable and I feel like I wouldn't be able to go on. To me, the worst part of death would just be missing the person. That you can never talk or see them again. I realize this is selfish. My grandmother is the light of my life- she is an inspiration and despite a hard early life in many
ways, is one of the most optimistic and encouraging people I've ever met. She's in her early 90s, and loves to email (her hearing is going) but shows some signs of mentally slipping in some ways. My parents are in their 60s and mid 70s (dad) and they have some health problems but are mostly in good health.
This past year was the hardest one of my life. My ex boyfriend whom I loved very much started showing signs of mental health problems and neediness and later stalked me and tried to break into my house. He was arrested and has a no contact order. I do not want to ever see him again and know that I can't. I still have some empathy for him because he was dealt the worst hand early on in life and is constantly struggling. My parents (and grandma, though she doesn't know all the details) have been an immense support for me throughout this. I don't know how I could have got through it without them. I still haven't found my footing. I'm a bit rudderless and now see the world as world differently. I don't have a drive to travel and I'm guarded instead of the more free spirited person I used to be.
The anxiety about death is worst at night. Sometimes as I'm falling asleep and I get a vision of someone dying and jolt myself awake in a panic. Mostly, thoughts and worries about death occupy my mind throughout every day.
I know I can't make them live forever. I wish I could. What would you do or what do you wish you had done? I keep in regular contact and we spend meaningful time together but I always worry it's not enough. I want to help them more and I don't want to burden them any more with my troubles, but I don't feel strong enough to be that person.
IAAT, IANYT. Another option would be exposure and response therapy which is a terrific set of skills to assist in managing intrusive thoughts. As a clinician I've worked with patients struggling with many facets of anxiety -- this kind of existential dread you are feeling is definitely a type of anxiety that a lot of people experience. I have also used the tenets of ERP in order to conquer some of my own anxieties.
Anxiety is so cruel in that it latches on to the things that are most important to us. It's not surprising that, since your family has been such a source of support to you recently, that your anxieties are focused on them right now. But anxiety is also sneaky in that it can morph into worry about something else.
Best of luck to you. It sounds like you've been through the wringer!
posted by We'll all float on okay at 4:26 AM on July 20, 2017
Anxiety is so cruel in that it latches on to the things that are most important to us. It's not surprising that, since your family has been such a source of support to you recently, that your anxieties are focused on them right now. But anxiety is also sneaky in that it can morph into worry about something else.
Best of luck to you. It sounds like you've been through the wringer!
posted by We'll all float on okay at 4:26 AM on July 20, 2017
I've struggled with this in the past. And usually my anxieties around work and life tend to manifest themselves at night in the form of existential terror and massive anxiety around losing my family.
Anxiety is really hard but so treatable, and even though your ruminating thoughts at night seem "logical," the fact that they cause you distress is enough reason to try to find another way to think.
If you want to have a go on your own, try meditating (which lately is the answer to everything, right?). Meditation practice WORKS and it will keep your auto-brain from moving in well-worn grooves. You will (with practice) get better at seeing these thoughts for what they are, a distraction, and letting them go. Honestly, meditation has been a miracle for me and my anxiety - worked faster than any medication I'd been on (although I'm still taking meds) and continues to get better.
Another option which is unconventional, possibly placebo (??) but hell, what do you have to lose? -- is to take Tylenol to get rid of death thoughts. Tylenol has been shown to have an effect on existential dread. I've tried it in a pinch, and it has worked!! Placebo? Who knows?
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:54 AM on July 20, 2017
Anxiety is really hard but so treatable, and even though your ruminating thoughts at night seem "logical," the fact that they cause you distress is enough reason to try to find another way to think.
If you want to have a go on your own, try meditating (which lately is the answer to everything, right?). Meditation practice WORKS and it will keep your auto-brain from moving in well-worn grooves. You will (with practice) get better at seeing these thoughts for what they are, a distraction, and letting them go. Honestly, meditation has been a miracle for me and my anxiety - worked faster than any medication I'd been on (although I'm still taking meds) and continues to get better.
Another option which is unconventional, possibly placebo (??) but hell, what do you have to lose? -- is to take Tylenol to get rid of death thoughts. Tylenol has been shown to have an effect on existential dread. I've tried it in a pinch, and it has worked!! Placebo? Who knows?
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:54 AM on July 20, 2017
I used to think like you and I did two things:
The first is I decided to be proactive and that has made me less anxious about their death. It will happen - my parents and loved ones will die and it will suck - we just want to make it as less awful as possible. One way to do that is to sit down with your parents and have "the talk". What are their wishes for after they die? Their funeral? Any special songs or things they want done at the service? Where are the important papers and documents? Any special wishes with items for their wills? Things like that. I know this sounds morbid, but it sounds like a large part of your fear is the unknown. By taking control and planning these things and being aware, you will become less ignorant of the processes and get a tiny bit more comfortable with the idea. That way when the time comes, all the arrangements are done, the way your loved one wanted them, and you can focus on grieving them and being with family. This planning also helps you get used to the idea and learn to accept that it will happen. When you lay awake at night and those worrisome thoughts pop in your head, you can say to yourself, "Yeah, ok, already thought this out, I have a plan, nothing I can do, get some sleep!"
The second thing is that I've found a lot of comfort through studying Buddhism. There is even an exercise I've done where you practice your own death - crazy as it sounds, it has given me peace. You may find this article helpful: “Learning how to die” and “Why Meditating on Death May Bring Joy to Life”.
posted by NoraCharles at 5:16 AM on July 20, 2017 [6 favorites]
The first is I decided to be proactive and that has made me less anxious about their death. It will happen - my parents and loved ones will die and it will suck - we just want to make it as less awful as possible. One way to do that is to sit down with your parents and have "the talk". What are their wishes for after they die? Their funeral? Any special songs or things they want done at the service? Where are the important papers and documents? Any special wishes with items for their wills? Things like that. I know this sounds morbid, but it sounds like a large part of your fear is the unknown. By taking control and planning these things and being aware, you will become less ignorant of the processes and get a tiny bit more comfortable with the idea. That way when the time comes, all the arrangements are done, the way your loved one wanted them, and you can focus on grieving them and being with family. This planning also helps you get used to the idea and learn to accept that it will happen. When you lay awake at night and those worrisome thoughts pop in your head, you can say to yourself, "Yeah, ok, already thought this out, I have a plan, nothing I can do, get some sleep!"
The second thing is that I've found a lot of comfort through studying Buddhism. There is even an exercise I've done where you practice your own death - crazy as it sounds, it has given me peace. You may find this article helpful: “Learning how to die” and “Why Meditating on Death May Bring Joy to Life”.
posted by NoraCharles at 5:16 AM on July 20, 2017 [6 favorites]
What stood out to me in your post is the idea that you don't know how you would have gotten through this difficult time with your ex without the support and input of your family.
What does the rest of your support network look like? Do you have a strong support network outside of your family? Are you actively involved in a community outside of your family? This could be faith-based or hobby/special-interest based, or just strengthening bonds with your existing friends.
You might also start practicing solving problems without including your family. Start with something like finding a friend to give you a ride to the airport or to come help you paint a room rather than ask family. If you have a problem to figure out like an issue of etiquette try calling a friend first before calling your grandmother. Eventually you would work up to larger issues.
This includes making sure you are financially secure, and do not have your family as your fallback option in the back of your mind in the event that you incur financial difficulties (protip: unless you are independently wealthy, at some point in life you will experience financial difficulties of some variety).
It doesn't diminish the importance of your family in your life, but it will help you learn to have a little bit of independence from them, which may help reduce anxiety about how you will get along in life without them.
posted by vignettist at 8:27 AM on July 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
What does the rest of your support network look like? Do you have a strong support network outside of your family? Are you actively involved in a community outside of your family? This could be faith-based or hobby/special-interest based, or just strengthening bonds with your existing friends.
You might also start practicing solving problems without including your family. Start with something like finding a friend to give you a ride to the airport or to come help you paint a room rather than ask family. If you have a problem to figure out like an issue of etiquette try calling a friend first before calling your grandmother. Eventually you would work up to larger issues.
This includes making sure you are financially secure, and do not have your family as your fallback option in the back of your mind in the event that you incur financial difficulties (protip: unless you are independently wealthy, at some point in life you will experience financial difficulties of some variety).
It doesn't diminish the importance of your family in your life, but it will help you learn to have a little bit of independence from them, which may help reduce anxiety about how you will get along in life without them.
posted by vignettist at 8:27 AM on July 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
I feel for you. I have felt that way almost all my life. It was most acute with pets since their life spans are relatively short. And, the anticipation of their deaths, even years before, occupied my mind on an ongoing basis. Finally, about 9 years ago, I had an 11 month anxiety attack over the impending death of my cat. Her actual death was relatively easy next to that anticipation. I finally decided to get some help. Cognitive therapy helped a lot. Your therapist might also suggest drugs. They can be very, very helpful to reduce your anxiety.
It's important to realize that your anxiety is ruling and, perhaps, ruining your life. My philosophy has always been, if you don't know what to do, all you need to know is the next step. So, whether it's meditation (which can help) or counseling, or both, take a step. That, alone, will be a very positive way to deal with your anxiety.
My best to you.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 11:44 AM on July 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
It's important to realize that your anxiety is ruling and, perhaps, ruining your life. My philosophy has always been, if you don't know what to do, all you need to know is the next step. So, whether it's meditation (which can help) or counseling, or both, take a step. That, alone, will be a very positive way to deal with your anxiety.
My best to you.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 11:44 AM on July 20, 2017 [1 favorite]
I really empathize with you. I was very close with my grandmother (who helped raise me) and mom, and lost them both within the space of 9 months last year.
My grandmother was nearly 95, and though she was relatively quite healthy until the last couple of years I of course recognized that I would inevitably lose her within not too many years just because of her age. Like you, I was anxious about it, but I was then and am now grateful for some of that anxiety because it pushed me to make sure I was spending as much time with her as I could, to let her know what she meant to me (in detailed Mothers Day and birthday cards since it would have been too intense for me to say everything out loud), and to record some conversations with her talking about her childhood, telling stories about my life and giving advice on different topics (I didn't frame these as related to losing her, just that I wanted to preserve her stories for the family. Full disclosure, I also used my cell phone to record conversations without telling her sometimes so I could capture our spontaneous conversations--since the recordings are for my own personal use and she had agreed to be recorded at other times I felt like it was okay to do. It might be morbid, but I did this expressly thinking of when I would no longer be able to talk to her. Maybe people will think it's not ethical of me, but I am glad I have these now.). I did these things because I projected forward and imagined what I would regret if I didn't do and what I would cherish when she was gone. Maybe that would be helpful for you, too. Because I felt like the loss was impending and I would only have a few years, I was able to commit to doing these things pretty intensely and prioritize them. I will say that now that she is gone I am so glad I did what I did. I miss her so much and of course will never stop missing her presence in my life, but I am at peace with how I approached things. I also think that I did some processing of my grief in the years ahead of her death, and it did help me when it actually happened. It sounds like you are already are doing your best to express your love to them, and I think that will be a huge comfort to you.
My feelings related to losing my mom are very different. She passed away unexpectedly, and I was not prepared at all. I hadn't "pre-processed" any grief and wasn't doing all the things I was with my grandmother, and I was totally devastated. I do have regrets and wish I had done certain things differently, and it does make things harder. I know they would be hard anyway.
I don't think it's possible to sustain perfect awareness of the preciousness of your relationships in the face of inevitable loss at all times, but maybe you will be able to use some of your perspective to help you continue to nurture those relationships. I am still reeling from my losses, but I think the best outcome of grief would be to let it teach me the preciousness of life and my loved ones, and to help me live my best life in response. I am hoping I will get there someday.
I do want to say, though, that your level of anxiety and the intrusive nature of those scary thoughts sounds like too much to live with on a day to day basis. It doesn't have to be that way! I agree with other posters recommending mindfulness, meditation, CBT methods and seeing a therapist. Hopefully these techniques could help you transform this anxious thought pattern into the more helpful approach to life that I mentioned above.
I will also say that I have a history of anxiety myself, and sometimes have noticed in retrospect that I have ruminated and focused my anxiety on one thing when I was actually (or also) trying to deal with something else--sometimes something that is so big I am scared to approach it. Obviously existential dread is a real thing to worry about, but I also wonder if you are still processing the traumatic events you describe with your ex. You are worried about losing them as a support system in general, but maybe you also still feel vulnerable from the terrifying experiences you went through (if you are afraid of travel and see the world differently etc.). I think this would be another thing that therapy would be really helpful with.
I wish you the best, as I really empathize.
posted by ialwayscryatendings at 12:17 PM on July 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
My grandmother was nearly 95, and though she was relatively quite healthy until the last couple of years I of course recognized that I would inevitably lose her within not too many years just because of her age. Like you, I was anxious about it, but I was then and am now grateful for some of that anxiety because it pushed me to make sure I was spending as much time with her as I could, to let her know what she meant to me (in detailed Mothers Day and birthday cards since it would have been too intense for me to say everything out loud), and to record some conversations with her talking about her childhood, telling stories about my life and giving advice on different topics (I didn't frame these as related to losing her, just that I wanted to preserve her stories for the family. Full disclosure, I also used my cell phone to record conversations without telling her sometimes so I could capture our spontaneous conversations--since the recordings are for my own personal use and she had agreed to be recorded at other times I felt like it was okay to do. It might be morbid, but I did this expressly thinking of when I would no longer be able to talk to her. Maybe people will think it's not ethical of me, but I am glad I have these now.). I did these things because I projected forward and imagined what I would regret if I didn't do and what I would cherish when she was gone. Maybe that would be helpful for you, too. Because I felt like the loss was impending and I would only have a few years, I was able to commit to doing these things pretty intensely and prioritize them. I will say that now that she is gone I am so glad I did what I did. I miss her so much and of course will never stop missing her presence in my life, but I am at peace with how I approached things. I also think that I did some processing of my grief in the years ahead of her death, and it did help me when it actually happened. It sounds like you are already are doing your best to express your love to them, and I think that will be a huge comfort to you.
My feelings related to losing my mom are very different. She passed away unexpectedly, and I was not prepared at all. I hadn't "pre-processed" any grief and wasn't doing all the things I was with my grandmother, and I was totally devastated. I do have regrets and wish I had done certain things differently, and it does make things harder. I know they would be hard anyway.
I don't think it's possible to sustain perfect awareness of the preciousness of your relationships in the face of inevitable loss at all times, but maybe you will be able to use some of your perspective to help you continue to nurture those relationships. I am still reeling from my losses, but I think the best outcome of grief would be to let it teach me the preciousness of life and my loved ones, and to help me live my best life in response. I am hoping I will get there someday.
I do want to say, though, that your level of anxiety and the intrusive nature of those scary thoughts sounds like too much to live with on a day to day basis. It doesn't have to be that way! I agree with other posters recommending mindfulness, meditation, CBT methods and seeing a therapist. Hopefully these techniques could help you transform this anxious thought pattern into the more helpful approach to life that I mentioned above.
I will also say that I have a history of anxiety myself, and sometimes have noticed in retrospect that I have ruminated and focused my anxiety on one thing when I was actually (or also) trying to deal with something else--sometimes something that is so big I am scared to approach it. Obviously existential dread is a real thing to worry about, but I also wonder if you are still processing the traumatic events you describe with your ex. You are worried about losing them as a support system in general, but maybe you also still feel vulnerable from the terrifying experiences you went through (if you are afraid of travel and see the world differently etc.). I think this would be another thing that therapy would be really helpful with.
I wish you the best, as I really empathize.
posted by ialwayscryatendings at 12:17 PM on July 20, 2017 [2 favorites]
I have had anxiety, and then the worst happened--someone I loved died suddenly. It is amazing how the anxiety went away, because I survived. Now life doesn't seem to be so scary. I have told people that you have no idea how much strength you have inside of you until something happens. I would not wish this on anyone, but perhaps knowing that you can come out the other side a better and wiser person can be of some service.
posted by Vermillion at 6:10 AM on July 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Vermillion at 6:10 AM on July 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
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You sound like a wonderful child and grandchild. I don't know if you're a parent, but I can tell you as a parent, it would bring me to my knees to hear my kids one day talk about me with the love that beams out of your post.
It sounds like you spend lots of quality time with your parents and grandparent, and if you want to get some more, by all means dig in. Leaning on family especially when you're going through a hard time is perfectly understandable, and it's awesome that you have a relationship where you can do that. And it's natural you'll miss them when they die. My dad died at 67 and I miss him all the time.
But... The problem here is not that your parents and grandparents will die one day. The problem is the rumination and intrusive thoughts you're having about this. And there's good news: You're not alone. Lots of people experience worries in exactly the same way, even sometimes about exactly the same thing. What you're going through is more common than you might think - especially after a traumatic event like the situation with your ex, which may well have triggered this for you.
And the solution, the proven solution, is not spending more quality time with them (though, hey, go nuts, why not?). Indeed, I think you may find that spending more time will actually do nothing to resolve your anxieties, may even in fact exacerbate them. What we need to do is tackle these thought patterns so you can go back to enjoying your life, and your relationships with your parents to the fullest.
The solution is through proven therapeutic approaches like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (CBT, and DBT). If you can't afford a counsellor specialising in these things, there are a number of books or websites you can use.
Mind and Emotions is an excellent workbook for this kind of therapeutic approach. It is exercise and journal based - you have to do it OP, reading is not enough without the exercises.
You could try MoodGym if you want something a little lighter.
I'm sure other mefites will have some recommendations for you too. Best of luck to you, remember this is about changing and challenging your thought patterns; the reality will take care of itself after that.
posted by smoke at 3:46 AM on July 20, 2017 [2 favorites]