Help me learn to end conversations

July 5, 2017 3:33 PM

It seems like I never learned how to end a conversation. Some of my conversations end naturally, while others I'll get "trapped" in for way longer than I intend. How should I think about this, or what approaches can I use, to naturally end a conversation when I want it to end?

A few examples:

- Recently I met with a prospective student who wanted to ask about grad school prospects and research in our group. I had expected this to take about half an hour. He was in my office for an hour and 25 minutes, until I finally said, "I have to leave at 5." I tried a few conversation enders that sometimes work for me, like "is there anything else we need to talk about?" but they didn't work. Part of the problem is that I love talking about this stuff, and hence am easily drawn down tangents.

- I'll sometimes run into a colleague as we're both leaving the office and wind up chatting by the front doors for tens of minutes. This makes me get home late. I like these people and the conversation is enjoyable, but I am aware that I need to leave and end up feeling slightly trapped.

- After a seminar I'll often hang around a little while to chat with the speaker (usually along with 3 or 4 other people), but this can go on indefinitely unless we have a cutoff to leave for dinner.

- I have on occasion pretended not to notice someone I knew while out and about, in order to avoid getting "stuck" in a conversation. I am ashamed of this.

posted by heatherlogan to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Best answer: Try saying something like "This has been great, and I've got to go now. See you later."

As it is, you seem to be expecting people to intuit that you want the conversation to end, but you're apparently not sending clear signals.
posted by Lexica at 3:43 PM on July 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

I feel like there was a very similar question asked just recently but I can't seem to find it. I remember seeing some great conversion enders there!
posted by sucre at 3:51 PM on July 5, 2017

Best answer: Since you seem to enjoy these convos and they're just taking place at inconvenient times, you can try something like, "I really enjoy talking to you/talking about this subject, but I have some place to be/something important to work on. Let's schedule a coffee date to hang out and chat some more."

It won't work in all situations (seminars and with students, for example) but it will work in a lot.
posted by Brittanie at 4:15 PM on July 5, 2017 [11 favorites]

Best answer: Since you sound like an academic, consider that many subtle conversation-enders are not universal across cultures. I don't usually have this problem in the US (where I am from), but I've now lived 3 years in Denmark, and at first I ran into it all the time. Especially bad was the "If you need any more information from me, please let me know." It seemed to trigger a conversational search in order to let me know *right away* if anything was missing. Eventually I must have learned to change my conversation enders because the problem has gone away.

So, if some of your interlocutors are from other places (even other places within the same country), consider that you might have to try more blatant conversation enders (perhaps even ones that seem rude to you) until you figure out what subtle cues work. So, for example, change "is there anything else we need to talk about?" into "If you come up with more questions later, please send me an email/set up another meeting/ come by during my next office hours. Now I have to do *x*". Also, um, other academics may not be the best at picking up on subtle signals, even if they are from the same cultural context as you. In one particularly clueless case I started scheduling another person to meet me right after; when the second person showed up the first would leave.

Come up with various different tasks you have to do, including "prepare for my next meeting", "finish this draft", "polish this grant", "read this paper before dinner", etc. There's always something to be doing, so this shouldn't be difficult.
posted by nat at 4:17 PM on July 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I like Lexica's advice. A friendly "I've got to go" "I've got to run", or "I must be going" are fine.

Student in your office: Stand up and walk towards the door and say something like: "Thank you so much for coming by... I have an another appointment/phone call that I need to prepare for."

Colleagues leaving the office: After chatting for a couple minutes: "Nice seeing you. Dinner is calling" or "I gotta run. Have a good night."
posted by loveandhappiness at 4:20 PM on July 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

"Ok, well, I'll see you at ______, take care!"

"Let me know how _____ next time I see you. Drive safely!"

"I've got to get back to _______. See you soon!"

"I really should be ______. Thanks for talking with me!"

"Alright, gotta beat the traffic! See you in the morning!"

These all should be accompanied by motions like getting your keys or shuffling your papers or otherwise making ready to get on with the next thing you have to do. Then...just...leave.

If it's someone visiting you or your office or space, that you are trying to get them to leave, just keep saying variants of "I've got a lot of things to take care of, thanks for stopping by!"
posted by fancyoats at 4:21 PM on July 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I am an expert at ending conversations. Truly, I wish I could put it as a special skill on my resume.

The keys to ending a conversation are friendliness and decisiveness. You want to make the person you were speaking to feel good about the interaction but know it's over.

Here is what you do: look your conversation partner in the eyes, smile as genuinely as you can, and say "it's been great chatting with you! I don't want to keep you any longer. Enjoy [your evening/the conference/your commute home/the pie eating contest]!". Then you turn around and walk in the other direction and don't look back.

In a case where you can't walk away, such as with the prospective student, the same principle applies. I would have said: "student, it has been really nice chatting with you - I truly love talking about this stuff! I've got to let you go so I can wrap up my day but I hope this has been helpful!". If he resists, try: "student, I could talk for hours about this but I've really got to wrap up. Thanks so much for stopping in!".

And when you run into an acquaintance and prefer not to chat, do not stop moving. Look them in the eye, smile, and say "oh hi, acquaintance! So nice to see you! I'm in a huge rush but let's catch up next time!" (There is no next time, but they don't have to know that).
posted by rodneyaug at 4:29 PM on July 5, 2017 [42 favorites]

Part of ending a conversation is not verbal but physical cues. If you are in your office with a student, start to close your books, put your papers in your case or in a drawer while telling them you must run, but thank you very much for your insights and questions. Then tell them to email you with any more questions and give them a business card. Run into a collegue in the hall on the way out, "Hey Mary, what's up?" "Got an appointment. Talk to you later." And never actually stop walking. Or say, "Got an appointment, want to walk with me to my car?" Then either they do and you get in the car and go or they say no and your conversation is over.

Physical cues such as cleaning up, never stopping, do not take off your coat, look at your watch. I know people that set alarms regularly on their phones and if there is someone with them, they use it as an excuse to go and if no one is with them they just turn it off. Also, if it is a phone conversation, as soon as you start the conversation or a little afterwards, say, "MY battery is dying. If we get cut off, it is because it ran out. I will talk to you tomorrow." Then in two minutes, just hang up.
posted by AugustWest at 5:03 PM on July 5, 2017

Best answer: I'm terrible at this too but improving. Part of working on it for me has been determining what is me just being anxious about "Aaaaa I am trapped here and I am bad at ending conversations" and what is legit "I have to GO" stuff (get home, go to bathroom, move on to next thing). I try to relax more about the former and get a lot more decisive about the latter. Also sometimes it's helpful to know when the ball is in your court (with students) or when it's everyone's responsibility (with colleagues) and realizing that in the latter example it's everyone's job and you may be doing less ept people a favor by wrapping it up.

Agree very much with rodneyaug, you may need to be more clear and more outgoing than you are comfortable with, but both are helpful. I usually go with smaller stuff first (assembling books, if I am in my office, whatever) and then something with finality "Have to get home, very nice talking with you. Email me if something else comes up!"

Also on the phone (which is a huge issue for me) it can help if I frame some of the time thing ahead of time. Some people like to gab and have time for it. I do not. But I have more time than zero time, so I try to think about how much and let people know "Oh hey, I've got 15 minutes I can chat" and then I somehow feel better about wrapping things up sort of bluntly at the 15-sih minute mark.

Also on the flip side I try to get more mindful about my conversations with other people. If I call someone I try to ask "Is now an okay time for a quick chat?" (or whatever) so they don't feel stuck talking to me when they were trying to leave the house or whatever.
posted by jessamyn at 6:35 PM on July 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

Part of the challenge of parting is that, stripped of other signals, it's a rejection. You don't want to talk with the other person anymore. That's why so many of the great suggestions above involve a warm, friendly expression of how great it was to see the person and talk to them. You want to end with the message (if not the exact words), "Talking with you was great and made my life better! Thanks!" If you end by affirming your relationship with (and liking of) the other person, it's no longer a rejection of them.

Figuring that out helped me, anyway.
posted by clawsoon at 7:00 PM on July 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

If, after any of the above suggested one-liners, the other person(s) continues the conversation as if they hadn't heard you, say something like 'It's been good to see you", THEN turn and LEAVE.
posted by Homer42 at 8:56 PM on July 5, 2017

Best answer: I work with people who might ramble on indefinitely if they could, and what works for me is setting expectations at the beginning of how long I have or what shape the conversation is going to take (so, we are going to talk about x, y and z, or something like that). Another thing that works is suggesting a follow-up time and direction for the next conversation.
posted by decathexis at 10:08 PM on July 5, 2017

The first question I have is whether you really want the conversations to end. It sounds like part of your problem is on your end, part of you wants to stand there and chase tangents and chat, but you feel guilty/pressured about it and that causes an internal conflict. Is there some way you can set up other opportunities to get your chatting in and to catch up with colleagues? Then you might not be so torn in the evening when you are running late but...
posted by Lady Li at 10:40 AM on July 8, 2017