How do you reconcile attachment differences?
July 4, 2017 4:06 AM Subscribe
Boyfriend is fearful-avoidant; I'm secure-ish/anxious-ish. Help.
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year and am head over heels for him. We have cultivated a sweet friendship, enjoy doing a lot of the same things, and have pretty effortlessly integrated into each other’s friend circles. Our families love each other a lot and things feel good most of the time.
The issue is that I don’t know how to reconcile our attachment style differences. From the beginning of our relationship, I noticed that my boyfriend didn’t really try to “woo” me with romantic gestures. It didn’t matter (it still doesn’t matter most of the time) because he was really funny and charming in his quirkiness and he was consistent. I kind of wanted a little bit more “effort” on his part (I’m not even sure if it’s really effort—just more of the romance), but everything else about him balanced the lack of romanticism. We took an attachment styles quiz and he is the fearful-avoidant style and I’m mostly secure, but have anxious tendencies.
And it’s really not even the romantic part; he is so sweet to me, tells me I’m beautiful every day, and we have always had great sex. I think it’s that I want to feel a little bit more needed by him. I cannot even really articulate why I feel this is important to me, other than it makes me feel like I’m special and that I’m different than his other relationships with people.
I have brought this up to him a couple times in the past and while he always listens to me, I think he really doesn’t know how to make me happy and it’s exhausting for both of us. I feel silly trying to explain why I want him to “try” a little harder and he feels frustrated because he doesn’t want to disappoint me, but genuinely doesn’t have that bent and doesn’t feel like he knows how to give me what I’m asking.
Can you provide insight to our situation? Do you have any experience overcoming different attachment styles in relationships?
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost a year and am head over heels for him. We have cultivated a sweet friendship, enjoy doing a lot of the same things, and have pretty effortlessly integrated into each other’s friend circles. Our families love each other a lot and things feel good most of the time.
The issue is that I don’t know how to reconcile our attachment style differences. From the beginning of our relationship, I noticed that my boyfriend didn’t really try to “woo” me with romantic gestures. It didn’t matter (it still doesn’t matter most of the time) because he was really funny and charming in his quirkiness and he was consistent. I kind of wanted a little bit more “effort” on his part (I’m not even sure if it’s really effort—just more of the romance), but everything else about him balanced the lack of romanticism. We took an attachment styles quiz and he is the fearful-avoidant style and I’m mostly secure, but have anxious tendencies.
And it’s really not even the romantic part; he is so sweet to me, tells me I’m beautiful every day, and we have always had great sex. I think it’s that I want to feel a little bit more needed by him. I cannot even really articulate why I feel this is important to me, other than it makes me feel like I’m special and that I’m different than his other relationships with people.
I have brought this up to him a couple times in the past and while he always listens to me, I think he really doesn’t know how to make me happy and it’s exhausting for both of us. I feel silly trying to explain why I want him to “try” a little harder and he feels frustrated because he doesn’t want to disappoint me, but genuinely doesn’t have that bent and doesn’t feel like he knows how to give me what I’m asking.
Can you provide insight to our situation? Do you have any experience overcoming different attachment styles in relationships?
I'm only just learning more about attachment styles, but I've found that the notion of love languages have really helped me process how people give and receive love differently. If you're still open to taking quizzes, give it a try. My initial thoughts after reading your question was that he may be a words of affirmation and physical touch type. He thinks he's doing all the right things based on your responses during sex and also by telling you you're beautiful. But perhaps you are more aligned with acts of service and gifts.
You're looking for effort, you want him to try harder, and you want him to woo you with romantic gestures. Perhaps this could help you in better articulating what that looks like for you.
And, thank you for the reminder to revisit attachment styles!
posted by Juniper Toast at 4:28 AM on July 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
You're looking for effort, you want him to try harder, and you want him to woo you with romantic gestures. Perhaps this could help you in better articulating what that looks like for you.
And, thank you for the reminder to revisit attachment styles!
posted by Juniper Toast at 4:28 AM on July 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
There's really not enough info here to tell, but this sounds like one of two things:
- a) your boyfriend isn't doing enough of the "small stuff" that makes a relationship great, in which case get him to read the Emotional Labour thread and take the conversation from there!
- b) you are projecting your anxiety about the relationship onto him and his behaviour, and expecting him to be able to read your mind in order to do better, in which case I'd recommend CBT for anxiety
I don't think that we can advise you much better without examples or more detail. Therapy is the default at AskMe, I know, but I do think it would do you good in this situation, to be honest, whichever of the above sounds closer to what's going on.
posted by greenish at 4:30 AM on July 4, 2017 [9 favorites]
- a) your boyfriend isn't doing enough of the "small stuff" that makes a relationship great, in which case get him to read the Emotional Labour thread and take the conversation from there!
- b) you are projecting your anxiety about the relationship onto him and his behaviour, and expecting him to be able to read your mind in order to do better, in which case I'd recommend CBT for anxiety
I don't think that we can advise you much better without examples or more detail. Therapy is the default at AskMe, I know, but I do think it would do you good in this situation, to be honest, whichever of the above sounds closer to what's going on.
posted by greenish at 4:30 AM on July 4, 2017 [9 favorites]
The book Attached has recommendations for how partners with different attachment styles can work together. The quiz you took was probably based at least loosely on the book.
If he "genuinely doesn't have that bent" you may need to give him specific information and also accept that it just doesn't come naturally to him.
posted by bunderful at 5:21 AM on July 4, 2017
If he "genuinely doesn't have that bent" you may need to give him specific information and also accept that it just doesn't come naturally to him.
posted by bunderful at 5:21 AM on July 4, 2017
With many men, it isn't what they say but what they do that counts. Maybe you can dial down your apparent need for gestures and focus on how well he treats you day to day, and how good your life is with him. If it's good, then you learn to recognize it's good, and stop trying to gild the lily. Appreciate what you've got.
posted by zadcat at 5:40 AM on July 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by zadcat at 5:40 AM on July 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you're asking why your boyfriend can't read your mind. You're not being a grown up and communicating what you want or need and you're putting the onus on him to figure it out.
posted by shoesietart at 5:47 AM on July 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by shoesietart at 5:47 AM on July 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
Sounds to me like your best option is to leave him as he is and work on yourself, with the aim of becoming completely OK with the idea that people come as a set menu rather than a buffet, and that an OMG crazy good set menu doesn't actually need the customary dollop of ketchup.
posted by flabdablet at 5:49 AM on July 4, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by flabdablet at 5:49 AM on July 4, 2017 [6 favorites]
Best answer: "I want to feel a little more needed by him."
Aside from any basic incompatibility or maturity, there's a bit of a rough patch as anxiously attached partners move from the dating phase to the stable, long-term phase because typical dating behaviors---e.g., intentionally setting up dates; actively being supported by your partner with love and attention; romantic and usually more frequent sex, etc.---those satisfy the anxiously attached, while the behaviors of stable couple-hood do not: a warm trust that the Other persists lovingly even if they're not acting on it in the moment; a cooling of the hot-sex phase; a shift toward the logistics and mechanics of each other's lives and, increasingly, a life that overlaps and so doesn't bring as much novelty, etc.
The anxiously attached can become nervous if their Other isn't reassuring/wooing/pursuing them. It's as if the sustained trust and stability of mutual love is too nebulous to be discerned. It gets harder to see concrete, immediate 'evidence' of a long-term partner's desire and love for you. So you begin asking your partner for more 'proof' they're attracted/attached to you, that you are unique and therefore more likely to receive their love (which is reassuring, because it's not enough for the anxiously attached to just be a good and lovable person).
As an anxiously-attached person myself (who has also done a shit ton of work on myself-in-relationship), I've come to believe the anxiously attached person needs to tame their fears and reactions more than the partner needs to 'step up' and change. So, I do the work to know what my unhelpful patterns and habits are in long, intimate partnerships. I let my partner know I'm anxiously attached, in those words, but also by sharing over time the events of my life that resulted in an anxious attachment model being the one that best served me. I tell him what my bad habits look like so he doesn't feel responsible for them. I do a lot of self-talk to inventory the ways he loves me, our strong and healthy history together, the times and ways we've worked together to be a team. If that doesn't drive off my anxiety, I know I can go to him and confess, "I'm having one of those moments where I can't believe anyone would love me." (And, sometimes I have to do that after the fact when I realize I've been acting out of fear and anxiety and pushing the responsibility onto him.) Nine times out of 10, he gets it and opens arms for a hug. A good partner will strike that balance between not taking on and enabling your anxiety, but also giving you clear messages that say, "I understand your history, your fears, and am happy to reassure you of my love for you."
posted by cocoagirl at 5:51 AM on July 4, 2017 [78 favorites]
Aside from any basic incompatibility or maturity, there's a bit of a rough patch as anxiously attached partners move from the dating phase to the stable, long-term phase because typical dating behaviors---e.g., intentionally setting up dates; actively being supported by your partner with love and attention; romantic and usually more frequent sex, etc.---those satisfy the anxiously attached, while the behaviors of stable couple-hood do not: a warm trust that the Other persists lovingly even if they're not acting on it in the moment; a cooling of the hot-sex phase; a shift toward the logistics and mechanics of each other's lives and, increasingly, a life that overlaps and so doesn't bring as much novelty, etc.
The anxiously attached can become nervous if their Other isn't reassuring/wooing/pursuing them. It's as if the sustained trust and stability of mutual love is too nebulous to be discerned. It gets harder to see concrete, immediate 'evidence' of a long-term partner's desire and love for you. So you begin asking your partner for more 'proof' they're attracted/attached to you, that you are unique and therefore more likely to receive their love (which is reassuring, because it's not enough for the anxiously attached to just be a good and lovable person).
As an anxiously-attached person myself (who has also done a shit ton of work on myself-in-relationship), I've come to believe the anxiously attached person needs to tame their fears and reactions more than the partner needs to 'step up' and change. So, I do the work to know what my unhelpful patterns and habits are in long, intimate partnerships. I let my partner know I'm anxiously attached, in those words, but also by sharing over time the events of my life that resulted in an anxious attachment model being the one that best served me. I tell him what my bad habits look like so he doesn't feel responsible for them. I do a lot of self-talk to inventory the ways he loves me, our strong and healthy history together, the times and ways we've worked together to be a team. If that doesn't drive off my anxiety, I know I can go to him and confess, "I'm having one of those moments where I can't believe anyone would love me." (And, sometimes I have to do that after the fact when I realize I've been acting out of fear and anxiety and pushing the responsibility onto him.) Nine times out of 10, he gets it and opens arms for a hug. A good partner will strike that balance between not taking on and enabling your anxiety, but also giving you clear messages that say, "I understand your history, your fears, and am happy to reassure you of my love for you."
posted by cocoagirl at 5:51 AM on July 4, 2017 [78 favorites]
Asking someone to work harder to earn you is inherently fraught with danger even if they are not naturally disinclined to feel all right about doing that. you are astute to distinguish between spontaneous but consistent expressions of love and "wooing" behavior -- gestures of love are what you do for someone you're with; wooing is what you do to get somebody to want to be with you. but he's already got you. or does he? I mean, is that what he is meant to think -- maybe I don't really have her, so I need to try harder to get her?
this sounds super judgmental but I actually like courtship behavior too, grand romantic gestures and so on, and they aren't so hard to perform; the main difficulty is the stress of not knowing if the recipient will welcome them. he already knows you like them, so there should be no trouble there. so that is the reason for my question above -- the framing seems very off from what you're actually after, especially as it relates to some idea of attachment styles. the feeling of wanting constant demonstrations of love because you want to see evidence of continual striving, I don't think that's bad per se when you're self-aware about it -- like I say, I feel that way too -- but it is not a sign of primarily secure attachment. that interpretation may be counterproductive.
ultimately you have to be willing to offer him the same things you're asking for, unless he personally hates them. you don't say one way or the other, so I can't assume you don't already bring him buckets of roses or whatever kind of thing you like. but if you don't, you have to start. otherwise you are pushing for a constant pursuer/pursued dynamic, which is sketchy in courtship but extremely bad in a permanent relationship. also just practically it makes it easier for you to point and say, this, what I'm doing, this is what I want from you.
and maybe this isn't what you're talking about at all, but in that case maybe find a different way of talking about it because he may understand it that way from the language you're using -- retreat from the bigger-picture theory, which is only a theory, down to specifics that you want. it would suck for a misunderstanding to be mistaken for an incompatibility.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:30 AM on July 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
this sounds super judgmental but I actually like courtship behavior too, grand romantic gestures and so on, and they aren't so hard to perform; the main difficulty is the stress of not knowing if the recipient will welcome them. he already knows you like them, so there should be no trouble there. so that is the reason for my question above -- the framing seems very off from what you're actually after, especially as it relates to some idea of attachment styles. the feeling of wanting constant demonstrations of love because you want to see evidence of continual striving, I don't think that's bad per se when you're self-aware about it -- like I say, I feel that way too -- but it is not a sign of primarily secure attachment. that interpretation may be counterproductive.
ultimately you have to be willing to offer him the same things you're asking for, unless he personally hates them. you don't say one way or the other, so I can't assume you don't already bring him buckets of roses or whatever kind of thing you like. but if you don't, you have to start. otherwise you are pushing for a constant pursuer/pursued dynamic, which is sketchy in courtship but extremely bad in a permanent relationship. also just practically it makes it easier for you to point and say, this, what I'm doing, this is what I want from you.
and maybe this isn't what you're talking about at all, but in that case maybe find a different way of talking about it because he may understand it that way from the language you're using -- retreat from the bigger-picture theory, which is only a theory, down to specifics that you want. it would suck for a misunderstanding to be mistaken for an incompatibility.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:30 AM on July 4, 2017 [4 favorites]
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