How do I give my friend $ successfully?

July 2, 2017 2:39 PM

How can I give my friend $ without it negatively influencing our friendship? We're both trans. They need a one-time sum around ~$1-2k for trans healthcare related expenses. It's a lot of money to them but not much to me. I would like to give it without any expectation of getting the money back. I would especially like to hear stories of giving or receiving money of this sort— both examples of when it went well and when it didn't. Thanks in advance!
posted by your hair smells like cheese! to Human Relations (18 answers total)

Best answer: Can you give it anonymously, perhaps by making a payment directly to the healthcare provider? Or through some third party? I am also trans, and come from a blue collar background. I would have a very, very hard time accepting a $1-2k gift for healthcare expenses from a friend. If a friend offered me $2k it would make me feel forever indebted to that person, no matter how much they objected or said otherwise.

I have no problem asking for money from strangers, though. For example, I asked for and accepted $200 from strangers to finish changing the gender marker on my identity documents at the end of last year. I was very comfortable with that, even after flatly refusing to accept money from close friends who offered to do the same for me.
posted by zebra at 2:57 PM on July 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I wouldn't anonymize it; I think that creates a weird dishonesty that will last the rest of your friendship (your friend will surely wonder out loud where it came from; what would you say?!) Instead I would couch it is "this not charity for you; this is support of my trans community of which you are an integral part and I want you with me on this journey."
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:05 PM on July 2, 2017 [27 favorites]

Would the friend be amenable to a "pay it forward" argument? Like, you say, "I know you probably can't pay me back for this directly, now, but I expect you to be generous to another trans person in the future"?
posted by mskyle at 3:07 PM on July 2, 2017 [10 favorites]

Best answer: You're overthinking this. I've given more than one 4-digit amount of money to friends when they needed it. I made it very clear it was a gift, no repayment, no conditions and no "pay it forward" promises. They thanked me, and it's never ever come up since. Had no impact on our friendship whatsoever.

This will leave you bitter if you hold on to any sort of controlling tendencies (many of us do, none of us will admit it); they might choose to spend the money on something other than your designated cause. Trust them to recognize what's important in their lives at this moment.
posted by halogen at 3:15 PM on July 2, 2017 [34 favorites]

Nthing Halogen.
posted by jbenben at 3:17 PM on July 2, 2017 [2 favorites]

I agree with those above saying to just make the offer. I think that anything else undermines their right to respond to the gift in the manner they choose. I think it's acceptable to be clear about why you want to do it, and see it as the right decision for you, but your friend has to decide whether to accept it, what to spend it on, and whether to pay it back. I would suggest that, in making clear that you don't want it paid, you respect their right to choose to repay it. Don't need to make a big deal out of that, I just wouldn't be overly insistent about it once you've made your feelings clear.
posted by howfar at 3:39 PM on July 2, 2017

Halogen's description is exactly my experience. I was also able to say that I have been in the position of my friend and I know how soul crushing it can be to owe money to friends so I actively do not want the money back in any case.
posted by janey47 at 3:40 PM on July 2, 2017

I've been in a similar situation to yours, and also grew up across a few levels of the class spectrum, so I understand the emotional difficulty of accepting that sum from your friend's position. I think for that reason that you do need to do a little more work beyond just reiterating that it's a no-strings-attached gift, but I agree that you can get this across verbally and directly. In my case, I've just been very open and direct about the fact that I love this person and therefore that their well-being matters directly to me, and that they deserve this unconditionally and that I'm happy to be the channel that delivers it to them. Basically present it not so much as you doing something generous, but as you just happening to be the conduit for their little corner of the universe to settle into a fairer configuration. And, honestly, I believe that to be true, and it sounds like you do too, so I'm sure your friend will see the conviction in your words when you tell them that.
posted by invitapriore at 3:43 PM on July 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: (Note: I'm trans.) I think the fact that it's for trans healthcare is extremely relevant. You're not offering to pay for a trip to Jamaica, it's for a life-saving medical expense, and the longer they can't afford it, the worse off they'll be. "I care about you and I want you to be happy. There is no expectation of repayment."

I was almost in a similar situation as you. I had top surgery in January, and my best friend is scheduled for it in the fall. If I hadn't lost my job I'd gladly give him as much money as I could, because I want for someone else the happiness I've been able to give myself.

Just do it and don't overthink it. If you aren't trans, you may be underestimating the impact this will have. I can tell you that you will be making a huge difference in your friend's mental health and physical safety.
posted by AFABulous at 3:49 PM on July 2, 2017 [7 favorites]

The "pay it forward" thing is basically a thing to say IF they protest beyond you saying "hey don't worry about it". I am now in the position of having roughly double the income of most of my friends, and it's super weird at first, but I think it's weirder for me than it is for them. Better, I think, than just telling someone to pay it forward, is explaining that you're paying forward for all the people who've helped you get where you are, and that you hope at some point they're fortunate enough to do the same, but if not, not to worry about it. But I'd say the chances that anybody protests that much over a couple thousand dollars are less than you think. It's a lot of money, but if they know you're doing well, they know you're not hurting yourself to help them--and hopefully if you're really friends they won't be inclined to worry about you holding it over them.

(Not that some people won't worry anyway, I'm just saying, I wouldn't call it likely.)
posted by Sequence at 3:49 PM on July 2, 2017 [6 favorites]

Best answer: Remember, in a just society, your friend would not have to fundraise for this very basic and vital health care treatment. This is not so much charity as your small contribution to righting that wrong.
posted by praemunire at 3:58 PM on July 2, 2017 [9 favorites]

Response by poster: I'm also trans, yes.

Some probing questions, for anyone who is comfortable sharing details: How did you broach the subject? If you've done this multiple times, do they usually accept or do they also reject your offer? Have you asked the same person multiple times? Was it in the context of similar class dynamics?

You're right— I'm probably overthinking this. (I am a mefite, after all.)

Thank you so much for your responses.
posted by your hair smells like cheese! at 4:21 PM on July 2, 2017

Best answer: I have recounted this before, because I think it is such a spectacular example of one particular way to do it.

When a very dear friend was very ill with cancer and in dire financial straits, someone she knew simply handed her a large envelope filled with cash - a very considerable amount of cash - and said "We will never speak of this again." And honestly, that was that. No thanks was ever given, no repayment was expected, and no tax was paid. Fini.

That is an excellent way both to give and to get.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:32 PM on July 2, 2017 [28 favorites]

When I was in a truly horrendous financial bind several years ago, a friend sent me a check (for about the amount you're discussing here) with a note. The note said that he was lucky to have lots of money, and it was important to him that he share that luck with others (I'm paraphrasing). He also said that he knew if I were in his shoes, I'd do the same thing for someone else. It really was just a sentence or two, Short and sweet, not a lot of embellishment.
posted by Ink-stained wretch at 9:18 PM on July 2, 2017 [1 favorite]

I would just say "happy early bday" or "happy 10th year coming out" or whatever would work for your friend that impresses the idea you don't consider it a loan and also aren't going to be taking it back.

I have given money to family/friends and it has been a lot less stressful than I made it out to be. If they are really stubborn, it's your money, and you get to spend it how you like, including on friends and loved ones.

I wouldn't even tie it to the shared community in case they later decide that community isn't for them or they aren't "upholding the values" or whatever drama/stress could ensue; it's a gift from a friend to a friend, you don't need the money and are generous to friends and family in times of need. I'd attach as few strings as possible and that's that.
posted by love2potato at 9:31 PM on July 2, 2017

While honesty would be ideal, my solution when giving money to family and psuedofamily - proud, working class people who make a big deal of not taking charity from anyone, especially not people younger than them - has been to invent a not entirely sincere reason that the money was somehow extra or not really mine in the first place. "It's summer salary, so it wasn't in our budget." "I got a much bigger tax refund than I expected" "I sold my car, and this is what I would have spent on parking." It allows them to think of the transaction as sharing an unexpected bounty among friends, rather than charity, and it allows me to give them money without hours of tedious discussion and relationship-changing angst that otherwise accompany such transactions.

It's deceptive and there are (rather compelling) ethical arguments against it. But, it makes me happy, it makes them happy, and it doesn't fundamentally alter our relationship or our understanding of any of the things we actually care about. I don't expect to stop any time soon.
posted by eotvos at 11:02 AM on July 3, 2017

Response by poster: Thank you. I sent them a to-the-point message:

> hey friend, can I give you the $ you need for med stuff? it's not a lot to me and I'm sure if you were in my shoes you'd do the same thing

Thank you for the help, everyone 💜
posted by your hair smells like cheese! at 1:12 PM on July 3, 2017 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: I posted an update in metatalk, but they accepted the money.
posted by your hair smells like cheese! at 9:19 AM on September 1, 2017 [1 favorite]