Paralyzed by anxiety at work - how can I resolve this?
June 30, 2017 11:13 AM Subscribe
I'm a senior manager at a small IT company. My boss and I have major clashes, which is inhibiting our ability to work together, and causing stress to dominate my life. How can I handle this professionally without unduly avoiding him or simply shutting down?
Background - I work as a manager at a small company in a big city. The company owner and I clash extensively over project details and his behavior, which is causing me a tremendous amount of personal stress and anxiety about even being in the room with him. Here's an example of a diary note that I drafted this morning, to give you a sense of where I'm at before I've had my coffee wrt to this job:
Not going into work because I woke up to an email from my boss, which immediately induced stress-related tinnitus. I took half a Klonopin with breakfast and will double that if he says one mean thing to me in email this morning. If he is profane in any way, I will resign.
N.B. I am working from home, which is an acceptable practice - not actually skipping work. But the important bit is my motivation for doing so.
I realize that at my age and career level, this is not a normal way to feel before you've gotten out of bed! A couple of important points:
* My boss is given to profanity-filled rants about problems and concerns, which are usually one's first introduction to the problem at hand. I've endured these since I began, initially tolerating them as he is so involved in various minutiae of company operations that I just accepted that he was stressed out and forgetful, but now I see it as possibly inappropriate. The most frequent outburst was extremely profane and in front of the entire office, and involved a work direction that he had previously approved and signed off on - but he was unhappy with the way it turned out. So I feel humiliated and like my authority has been undercut with other employees who witnessed or heard about this. I used to be able to bounce back from these encounters, but now I want to go hide in a hole for weeks!
* For various personal reasons, I tend to retreat when yelled at in a imbalanced power situation where I'm on the weak end. Conflict with a friend or someone at a equal professional level is manageable, and of course I don't believe it's acceptable to yell at or harangue people I perceive to be my professional junior in some way.
Yelled at by someone I have uneven negotiating power with, however, = emotional breakdown, and I am less interested in fixing what they yelled about than withdrawing from conflict and making sure I don't get yelled at again. It takes a long, long time for me to get over incidents like that.
This isn't the first instance, but it was the worst. This is on top of lingering upset from verbal treatment by him and a previous colleague during my first year of employment here. I thought it was normal for "crazy digital agency life", but I think I might have given them too much slack.
* We had a meeting earlier in the year about my career and goals here, and boss stated plainly that he isn't interested in any career progression or track for me, or opportunities for a raise, just an intent for me to continue in the same capacity as I have since I started. I haven't received a formal performance review in years, which is why I had to press for that meeting in the first place. So I admit to feeling discouraged in part because this feels like a dead-end job. I liked being a generalist in a high-stress and varied work environment initially, but now this role (without any progression or focus) feels like a liability. There is zero job training, and no clear or documented performance standards, so I do a lot of improvisation to try to suss out what my strategic direction should be.
* I'm doing my best to basically limit our interactions to email and project management tools as much as possible, because I don't want to talk to him in person. I think this is clearly unsustainable, both in terms of being able to do my work effectively and because it's not a professional response to a difficult problem. Unfortunately, I think that this might snowball into a real confrontation, which is going to lead to either him firing me or me quitting on the spot. I would probably be OK with either of those outcomes, although I'd rather exit this job on an at least neutral note.
* I have anxiety issues to start with, and sure, I've had colleagues and employers that have stressed me out before - but nothing like this! My anxiety is generally managed with mild medication and coping strategies that are non-disruptive. I do have a chronic, physiological health condition that causes some inattentiveness and depression (now very effectively treated and controlled - was undiagnosed for a few years), which I have not disclosed to my boss as I'm not sure how to safely or professionally share that detail with him. However, I've managed all of that since I began this role, and before that at other jobs which worked out fine, and honestly, I still have a job with considerable responsibility and a very public sales/marketing role (I am a "face of the company") so I assume I'm still creating value in spite of any mild handicaps. I'm not in therapy or anything like that, although I've considered that there might be merit in the idea.
* I don't feel like I have anyone at work I can talk to about this (we have no HR department). I trust my coworkers and get along with them personally and professionally, but I'm not sure it's professional or advisable to try to share my concerns with them or seek their advice. I have not asked or speculated on whether they are experiencing similar levels of concern.
* My work output seems to be pretty good. I'm trusted to manage and expand my own accounts and sales (which are healthy and growing!). So I do feel that ongoing level of autonomy is a sign that I'm habitually doing things right, and my success in numerical terms demonstrates an ability to generally get along with people both within and outside the team. However, I do feel like I'm not doing my best work here on account of the anxiety thing, and I'm not sure that I want to work harder if it means putting myself in emotional harms' way without the promise of career advancement.
* In fairness, my boss is extremely smart, great for offering practical advice when focused on a problem, and I believe he genuinely values me as an employee and wants me to succeed, according to his vision of things. It's the inconsistency of our encounters and my consequent job and emotional malaise that is making it hard to respond productively to that.
So, here are some of the ideas I've had (or been counseled to try) to resolve this:
* Just acknowledge that this gig isn't working out and that the situation probably can't be repaired, and then leave, now, for the sake of my health, sanity, and professional pride, and probably for the benefit of my employer (as they can then seek someone who will meet their needs more gladly). Part of me has decided that I'm simply not able to give my best at this workplace anymore, because of these issues, and it's unfair to everyone to continue if that's the case. I really don't like walking away from something and feeling like a failure, which has discouraged me from this idea.
* Acknowledge that I could be working harder at this, accept that my boss is a deeply unsettling, angry human being, and just make myself talk to him every day to make sure I understand what his immediate concerns or upsets are are and not rely on email or established project management systems to relay updates and requirements back and forth. This is probably the best choice from a practical standpoint, and our work would improve, but frankly I'm not sure I have the fortitude for daily face-to-face interaction when there is always a risk he'll be upset about something and I'll have to sit there feeling and looking like an ass.
* Try to find another job and move on. I'm working on this, although for reasons stated above, I'm having a really hard time pinning down what I want to do or how to frame my work experience here in a way that is compelling outside of this company. Actually, I'm probably just excuse-making here - I'm just discouraged and naturally lazy.
* Try to talk to my boss about this. I don't know how this would go, but my gut feeling is that he would look at me like a child throwing a tantrum and then laugh. Which is kind of appropriate, since I get that I am a ball of inchoate discomfort right now, and it's not like in the past I've been able to tell him, "Hey, you make me physically uncomfortable and filled with doubt, and I think it would be best if we communicate through email/etc only if we can't improve that. Or you can give me a job with much less ambiguity about standards for success". On the other hand, I've never had an employer, colleague, or client that I've felt like I've needed to address this with! This job is so much shoutier.
Apologies for the long post, but I'm just confused and feeling unmanned by where I'm at right now, and I don't know how much I should be blaming myself or acknowledging that this is a weird situation with at least some causes that are outside of my personal zone of control. For what it's worth, I've never been scared in a job before, or had this kind of difficulty in communicating my needs or what's not working! I'm open to any advice or safe steps I can take to try to untangle this.
Background - I work as a manager at a small company in a big city. The company owner and I clash extensively over project details and his behavior, which is causing me a tremendous amount of personal stress and anxiety about even being in the room with him. Here's an example of a diary note that I drafted this morning, to give you a sense of where I'm at before I've had my coffee wrt to this job:
Not going into work because I woke up to an email from my boss, which immediately induced stress-related tinnitus. I took half a Klonopin with breakfast and will double that if he says one mean thing to me in email this morning. If he is profane in any way, I will resign.
N.B. I am working from home, which is an acceptable practice - not actually skipping work. But the important bit is my motivation for doing so.
I realize that at my age and career level, this is not a normal way to feel before you've gotten out of bed! A couple of important points:
* My boss is given to profanity-filled rants about problems and concerns, which are usually one's first introduction to the problem at hand. I've endured these since I began, initially tolerating them as he is so involved in various minutiae of company operations that I just accepted that he was stressed out and forgetful, but now I see it as possibly inappropriate. The most frequent outburst was extremely profane and in front of the entire office, and involved a work direction that he had previously approved and signed off on - but he was unhappy with the way it turned out. So I feel humiliated and like my authority has been undercut with other employees who witnessed or heard about this. I used to be able to bounce back from these encounters, but now I want to go hide in a hole for weeks!
* For various personal reasons, I tend to retreat when yelled at in a imbalanced power situation where I'm on the weak end. Conflict with a friend or someone at a equal professional level is manageable, and of course I don't believe it's acceptable to yell at or harangue people I perceive to be my professional junior in some way.
Yelled at by someone I have uneven negotiating power with, however, = emotional breakdown, and I am less interested in fixing what they yelled about than withdrawing from conflict and making sure I don't get yelled at again. It takes a long, long time for me to get over incidents like that.
This isn't the first instance, but it was the worst. This is on top of lingering upset from verbal treatment by him and a previous colleague during my first year of employment here. I thought it was normal for "crazy digital agency life", but I think I might have given them too much slack.
* We had a meeting earlier in the year about my career and goals here, and boss stated plainly that he isn't interested in any career progression or track for me, or opportunities for a raise, just an intent for me to continue in the same capacity as I have since I started. I haven't received a formal performance review in years, which is why I had to press for that meeting in the first place. So I admit to feeling discouraged in part because this feels like a dead-end job. I liked being a generalist in a high-stress and varied work environment initially, but now this role (without any progression or focus) feels like a liability. There is zero job training, and no clear or documented performance standards, so I do a lot of improvisation to try to suss out what my strategic direction should be.
* I'm doing my best to basically limit our interactions to email and project management tools as much as possible, because I don't want to talk to him in person. I think this is clearly unsustainable, both in terms of being able to do my work effectively and because it's not a professional response to a difficult problem. Unfortunately, I think that this might snowball into a real confrontation, which is going to lead to either him firing me or me quitting on the spot. I would probably be OK with either of those outcomes, although I'd rather exit this job on an at least neutral note.
* I have anxiety issues to start with, and sure, I've had colleagues and employers that have stressed me out before - but nothing like this! My anxiety is generally managed with mild medication and coping strategies that are non-disruptive. I do have a chronic, physiological health condition that causes some inattentiveness and depression (now very effectively treated and controlled - was undiagnosed for a few years), which I have not disclosed to my boss as I'm not sure how to safely or professionally share that detail with him. However, I've managed all of that since I began this role, and before that at other jobs which worked out fine, and honestly, I still have a job with considerable responsibility and a very public sales/marketing role (I am a "face of the company") so I assume I'm still creating value in spite of any mild handicaps. I'm not in therapy or anything like that, although I've considered that there might be merit in the idea.
* I don't feel like I have anyone at work I can talk to about this (we have no HR department). I trust my coworkers and get along with them personally and professionally, but I'm not sure it's professional or advisable to try to share my concerns with them or seek their advice. I have not asked or speculated on whether they are experiencing similar levels of concern.
* My work output seems to be pretty good. I'm trusted to manage and expand my own accounts and sales (which are healthy and growing!). So I do feel that ongoing level of autonomy is a sign that I'm habitually doing things right, and my success in numerical terms demonstrates an ability to generally get along with people both within and outside the team. However, I do feel like I'm not doing my best work here on account of the anxiety thing, and I'm not sure that I want to work harder if it means putting myself in emotional harms' way without the promise of career advancement.
* In fairness, my boss is extremely smart, great for offering practical advice when focused on a problem, and I believe he genuinely values me as an employee and wants me to succeed, according to his vision of things. It's the inconsistency of our encounters and my consequent job and emotional malaise that is making it hard to respond productively to that.
So, here are some of the ideas I've had (or been counseled to try) to resolve this:
* Just acknowledge that this gig isn't working out and that the situation probably can't be repaired, and then leave, now, for the sake of my health, sanity, and professional pride, and probably for the benefit of my employer (as they can then seek someone who will meet their needs more gladly). Part of me has decided that I'm simply not able to give my best at this workplace anymore, because of these issues, and it's unfair to everyone to continue if that's the case. I really don't like walking away from something and feeling like a failure, which has discouraged me from this idea.
* Acknowledge that I could be working harder at this, accept that my boss is a deeply unsettling, angry human being, and just make myself talk to him every day to make sure I understand what his immediate concerns or upsets are are and not rely on email or established project management systems to relay updates and requirements back and forth. This is probably the best choice from a practical standpoint, and our work would improve, but frankly I'm not sure I have the fortitude for daily face-to-face interaction when there is always a risk he'll be upset about something and I'll have to sit there feeling and looking like an ass.
* Try to find another job and move on. I'm working on this, although for reasons stated above, I'm having a really hard time pinning down what I want to do or how to frame my work experience here in a way that is compelling outside of this company. Actually, I'm probably just excuse-making here - I'm just discouraged and naturally lazy.
* Try to talk to my boss about this. I don't know how this would go, but my gut feeling is that he would look at me like a child throwing a tantrum and then laugh. Which is kind of appropriate, since I get that I am a ball of inchoate discomfort right now, and it's not like in the past I've been able to tell him, "Hey, you make me physically uncomfortable and filled with doubt, and I think it would be best if we communicate through email/etc only if we can't improve that. Or you can give me a job with much less ambiguity about standards for success". On the other hand, I've never had an employer, colleague, or client that I've felt like I've needed to address this with! This job is so much shoutier.
Apologies for the long post, but I'm just confused and feeling unmanned by where I'm at right now, and I don't know how much I should be blaming myself or acknowledging that this is a weird situation with at least some causes that are outside of my personal zone of control. For what it's worth, I've never been scared in a job before, or had this kind of difficulty in communicating my needs or what's not working! I'm open to any advice or safe steps I can take to try to untangle this.
Hey, this guy sounds really terrible in every way, far beyond even the worst of the people I've seen in my career. Nobody should yell profanity at you, ever, in a professional situation. You don't have to tolerate it or try to make yourself okay with it or feel badly at your emotional reaction to it. It's no wonder you're anxious! Any sane person would dread getting up in the morning knowing you had that to look forward to.
If you can afford to quit, you should quit today. If not, call in sick and start phoning recruiters and employment agencies. I felt trapped in a (much less worse!) situation too, where I thought I was overpaid and wouldn't be able to find anything comparable. The first recruiter I talked to assuaged my anxieties completely - she seemed puzzled at why I was nervous about it at all. You definitely, definitely have options. And I would be surprised if absolutely any job you ever have again will be as bad as working for this person.
posted by something something at 11:20 AM on June 30, 2017 [9 favorites]
If you can afford to quit, you should quit today. If not, call in sick and start phoning recruiters and employment agencies. I felt trapped in a (much less worse!) situation too, where I thought I was overpaid and wouldn't be able to find anything comparable. The first recruiter I talked to assuaged my anxieties completely - she seemed puzzled at why I was nervous about it at all. You definitely, definitely have options. And I would be surprised if absolutely any job you ever have again will be as bad as working for this person.
posted by something something at 11:20 AM on June 30, 2017 [9 favorites]
Your boss is a bad boss, and you need to find another job. You're right on when you say that you should "leave, now, for the sake of [your] health, sanity, and professional pride". I promise you: this isn't normal or acceptable behavior; at a healthy workplace your boss would get his ass fired.
If you can afford to quit today: do it. If you can't: start looking today, and cope as best you can until you find another job.
You write that you "don't like walking away from something and feeling like a failure" -- but you're not a failure. Your boss failed at being an acceptable manager (and at being, you know, not a garbage person), and your leaving will be a reflection of his failure, not yours.
posted by jacobian at 11:23 AM on June 30, 2017 [9 favorites]
If you can afford to quit today: do it. If you can't: start looking today, and cope as best you can until you find another job.
You write that you "don't like walking away from something and feeling like a failure" -- but you're not a failure. Your boss failed at being an acceptable manager (and at being, you know, not a garbage person), and your leaving will be a reflection of his failure, not yours.
posted by jacobian at 11:23 AM on June 30, 2017 [9 favorites]
You are not lazy since you put a lot of words on the screen over a situation you should have exited years ago.
Don't take Klonopin, put your full attention on getting a new job. Your boss literally told you to quit when you had the performance review. He literally told you he does not care. Great! You do care about yourself! Move on, already!!
Once you have a new position, therapy to figure out the skills to put yourself and your best interests first. I'm guessing your family of origin was abusive? I get that, and you need skills to protect yourself. Internet hugs because you deserve better. Stick up for yourself! Get any new job and bounce! For real!!
posted by jbenben at 11:30 AM on June 30, 2017 [7 favorites]
Don't take Klonopin, put your full attention on getting a new job. Your boss literally told you to quit when you had the performance review. He literally told you he does not care. Great! You do care about yourself! Move on, already!!
Once you have a new position, therapy to figure out the skills to put yourself and your best interests first. I'm guessing your family of origin was abusive? I get that, and you need skills to protect yourself. Internet hugs because you deserve better. Stick up for yourself! Get any new job and bounce! For real!!
posted by jbenben at 11:30 AM on June 30, 2017 [7 favorites]
Get out -- find a new job. That is the resolution to this conflict.
Part of what is going on is that you're not standing up for yourself, and therefore not only taking the stress of your shitty boss's outbursts, but internalizing the stress from not meeting your *own* standards for being a person.
Standing up for yourself doesn't mean outright conflict -- what it means is making a space for yourself. By being too "lazy" to not take steps to get out of the situation, you are literally boxing yourself in and stressing yourself out.
It's like you described. You don't get stressed out if you are in conflict with reasonable people, because you feel like you're defending yourself. Even if you are unsuccessful in defending yourself, you at least made space -- so it doesn't impact your sense of self. BUt in this case, by not doing the thing that you *already know* you need to do, you are stressing yourself out. You gave the solution right from the start.
Make a plan to get out that gives you maximum advantage, and stick to it.
posted by smidgen at 11:31 AM on June 30, 2017 [6 favorites]
Part of what is going on is that you're not standing up for yourself, and therefore not only taking the stress of your shitty boss's outbursts, but internalizing the stress from not meeting your *own* standards for being a person.
Standing up for yourself doesn't mean outright conflict -- what it means is making a space for yourself. By being too "lazy" to not take steps to get out of the situation, you are literally boxing yourself in and stressing yourself out.
It's like you described. You don't get stressed out if you are in conflict with reasonable people, because you feel like you're defending yourself. Even if you are unsuccessful in defending yourself, you at least made space -- so it doesn't impact your sense of self. BUt in this case, by not doing the thing that you *already know* you need to do, you are stressing yourself out. You gave the solution right from the start.
Make a plan to get out that gives you maximum advantage, and stick to it.
posted by smidgen at 11:31 AM on June 30, 2017 [6 favorites]
His opinion doesn't seem relevant here.
You want to grow and develop. Find your own way to do that.
posted by amtho at 11:49 AM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
You want to grow and develop. Find your own way to do that.
posted by amtho at 11:49 AM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
You should clear out your personal effects from the office. You should be sending notes to recruiters and your network (let your network know that you are quietly looking for new work). You should look through your files and see if there is any work product that you'd like to show in interviews and then you should quit. Generally, my advice is to find a new job that you are enthusiastic about – you want, in life, to be running toward something and not away. In your case, no. The house is on fire. And, frankly, your boss has tried to chain you to it while telling you he's burning the thing down (there's no room for advancement for you and no more pay), so go.
The last straw for me in a similar situation (which took me a long time to get over even though I was only there a short time) was when the boss put lyrics from some song about shooting up a workplace in his in-office email signature. Both bosses were abusive to everyone in the office but I think the women felt especially threatened.
Good luck. I'm sorry. This is not your fault. It's on fire; get out.
posted by amanda at 11:52 AM on June 30, 2017 [12 favorites]
The last straw for me in a similar situation (which took me a long time to get over even though I was only there a short time) was when the boss put lyrics from some song about shooting up a workplace in his in-office email signature. Both bosses were abusive to everyone in the office but I think the women felt especially threatened.
Good luck. I'm sorry. This is not your fault. It's on fire; get out.
posted by amanda at 11:52 AM on June 30, 2017 [12 favorites]
You should clear out your personal effects from the office.
When I did a similar thing and the boss commented on it (it had been an especially shitty day the day before in the office), I just said I decided I needed a totally clear workspace with minimal distractions. But really I wanted to be able to bail at a moment's notice and I also wanted to send that message. But don't do anything that feels unsafe.
posted by amanda at 11:57 AM on June 30, 2017 [4 favorites]
When I did a similar thing and the boss commented on it (it had been an especially shitty day the day before in the office), I just said I decided I needed a totally clear workspace with minimal distractions. But really I wanted to be able to bail at a moment's notice and I also wanted to send that message. But don't do anything that feels unsafe.
posted by amanda at 11:57 AM on June 30, 2017 [4 favorites]
I know there are points in my career when I could have written this. I now consider those situations to have been actively abusive, leaving me too spun to understand I couldn't stop the pain if I could just be good/small/accepting enough. They were bad for my life and I still suffer the after-effects.
Go get a new job. See your Stockholm Syndrome for what it is.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:14 PM on June 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
Go get a new job. See your Stockholm Syndrome for what it is.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:14 PM on June 30, 2017 [5 favorites]
I've been in a similar situation. Having a volatile bully for a boss completely sucks and it's amazing how much of your life it affects. But people who suggest quitting right away are probably people with a nest egg. If you can't quit now you can at least be actively looking for something - not necessarily for the perfect thing, but for something else to tide you over till you find a better fit.
Here's what I did: 1) Lorazepam for anxiety, taken only on bad days or days where I anticipated chaos and conflict, e.g. deadline days. 2) Therapy aimed specifically at dealing with stress and developing coping skills. I went every other week for about two months. It helped. 3) Active job hunting: USA Jobs, County sites for near by counties, State job sites, Indeed.com, craigslist. Make a folder of bookmarks specifically aimed at job hunting and check the best sites (for you) every day, or every other day. Try to apply for at least one job a week, EVEN if you think you won't take that job. You will be honing your job skills and giving yourself choices. 4) Read or binge watch tv shows or take nature walks or do whatever it is that allows you to escape. You need to have time where you are not stressed out by work, where your mind is somewhere else, and at peace.
A lot of people have had to deal with this. We're all pulling for you.
posted by mulcahy at 12:24 PM on June 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
Here's what I did: 1) Lorazepam for anxiety, taken only on bad days or days where I anticipated chaos and conflict, e.g. deadline days. 2) Therapy aimed specifically at dealing with stress and developing coping skills. I went every other week for about two months. It helped. 3) Active job hunting: USA Jobs, County sites for near by counties, State job sites, Indeed.com, craigslist. Make a folder of bookmarks specifically aimed at job hunting and check the best sites (for you) every day, or every other day. Try to apply for at least one job a week, EVEN if you think you won't take that job. You will be honing your job skills and giving yourself choices. 4) Read or binge watch tv shows or take nature walks or do whatever it is that allows you to escape. You need to have time where you are not stressed out by work, where your mind is somewhere else, and at peace.
A lot of people have had to deal with this. We're all pulling for you.
posted by mulcahy at 12:24 PM on June 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
My boss is given to profanity-filled rants about problems and concerns, which are usually one's first introduction to the problem at hand. I've endured these since I began, initially tolerating them as he is so involved in various minutiae of company operations that I just accepted that he was stressed out and forgetful, but now I see it as possibly inappropriate.
NOPE NOPE NOPE. This is NOT normal. It is absolutely unprofessional, inappropriate, possibly abusive behavior and everything about the way you've reacted to it is understandable. I apologize for not reading the whole thing, but this is far as I needed to go. The solution here is clear. You're in a big city. Find another job as soon as you can.
On preview:
I don't know how much I should be blaming myself
Absolutely none of someone else ranting and cursing is your fault. None.
posted by cnc at 12:45 PM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
NOPE NOPE NOPE. This is NOT normal. It is absolutely unprofessional, inappropriate, possibly abusive behavior and everything about the way you've reacted to it is understandable. I apologize for not reading the whole thing, but this is far as I needed to go. The solution here is clear. You're in a big city. Find another job as soon as you can.
On preview:
I don't know how much I should be blaming myself
Absolutely none of someone else ranting and cursing is your fault. None.
posted by cnc at 12:45 PM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
A few years ago, I had a boss much like yours. I worked hard, and my teammates appreciated that, so when I gave notice that I was leaving, they were very upset. I brought up the fact that during the interview process, none of them even hinted that there a known Problem Person running the department. One person said, "We thought you could handle it here."
I remember thinking sure, I can handle it — but I don't have to. I'm a hard worker and a good colleague, and that's worth a whole hell of a lot. I'm too valuable to be yelled at by some jerk. And the thing is: everyone is too valuable to be yelled at by some jerk. You included.
I know it's hard when you're beaten down, but you have to reframe your thinking. All the things you're saying about leaving for the good of the company and being a failure because you're not super excited to be yelled at every damn day — that's a sick system getting in your head. Think of it this way: your boss, and by extension your company, is too stupid to figure out how to retain an awesome person like you! That's part of your boss's job and he sucks at it!
Start looking for a new job today. Don't wait until you have a perfect plan for the next thing you want to do with your career. Just start. Leaving will take so much weight off your shoulders.
posted by neushoorn at 1:14 PM on June 30, 2017 [11 favorites]
I remember thinking sure, I can handle it — but I don't have to. I'm a hard worker and a good colleague, and that's worth a whole hell of a lot. I'm too valuable to be yelled at by some jerk. And the thing is: everyone is too valuable to be yelled at by some jerk. You included.
I know it's hard when you're beaten down, but you have to reframe your thinking. All the things you're saying about leaving for the good of the company and being a failure because you're not super excited to be yelled at every damn day — that's a sick system getting in your head. Think of it this way: your boss, and by extension your company, is too stupid to figure out how to retain an awesome person like you! That's part of your boss's job and he sucks at it!
Start looking for a new job today. Don't wait until you have a perfect plan for the next thing you want to do with your career. Just start. Leaving will take so much weight off your shoulders.
posted by neushoorn at 1:14 PM on June 30, 2017 [11 favorites]
Talk to an employment lawyer ASAP. Make sure these events are documented, as unemotionally as possible "Boss said 'xxx' using curse words and yelling, witnessed by so-and-so". Have backup copies of all correspondence. Hopefully you can get enough money to not work for a few years to recover!
posted by flimflam at 1:20 PM on June 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by flimflam at 1:20 PM on June 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
Sorry you're going through this. I've been there and walking away seems scary and that fear is part of what keeps you there - the comparison to Stockholm Syndrome above is very apt. But once you walk away, and the weight lifts, you realize it really was the only sensible thing to do, for your sanity and for your health, and you wonder why you ever did put up with it in the first place.
Is there any option for you to consult/short-term contract in what you do? I found it a very useful stop-gap while I regrouped and it took the pressure over finding another permanent position right away.
posted by AllTheQuestions at 4:57 PM on June 30, 2017
Is there any option for you to consult/short-term contract in what you do? I found it a very useful stop-gap while I regrouped and it took the pressure over finding another permanent position right away.
posted by AllTheQuestions at 4:57 PM on June 30, 2017
Dear God, just leave, please.
I believe he genuinely values me as an employee and wants me to succeed,
No. No he doesn't. Because people who feel that genuinely never behave like this.
Make plans to get out. This is far beyond normal and it's not fixable.
posted by Miko at 6:37 PM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
I believe he genuinely values me as an employee and wants me to succeed,
No. No he doesn't. Because people who feel that genuinely never behave like this.
Make plans to get out. This is far beyond normal and it's not fixable.
posted by Miko at 6:37 PM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
Mod note: From the OP:
Hi everyone,posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 9:58 PM on June 30, 2017
Thank you for your advice and encouragement. This confirms what I've been hearing from close friends and have been trying to accept for myself. It's comforting to have some outside assurance that I'm not crazy and this is, well, not a great workplace experience. It's definitely time to move on!
@neushoorn - The sick system link you shared pointed out some dynamics at play that I hadn't recognized before. Thank you for that.
As a professional, an employer is somebody you pay to provide you with a workplace in which to exercise your professional skill. The amount you pay is the difference between the value you add to the organization concerned and the salary it pays you. Sounds to me as if you're currently paying far more than your present workplace is worth. You can do better.
Handling this professionally involves accepting that as a professional your time is too valuable to sell any more of it to this asshole. Don't unduly avoid him. Duly avoid him. Permanently.
posted by flabdablet at 9:18 PM on July 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
Handling this professionally involves accepting that as a professional your time is too valuable to sell any more of it to this asshole. Don't unduly avoid him. Duly avoid him. Permanently.
posted by flabdablet at 9:18 PM on July 1, 2017 [1 favorite]
« Older Please recommend powerful plays featuring strong... | Well, what do you have him peeing on? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by goggie at 11:19 AM on June 30, 2017 [10 favorites]