Amygdala Angst
June 30, 2017 8:46 AM   Subscribe

1.) Is it normal to freak out/have a meltdown, crying, depression) over a relatively simple change in one's life? (Though, granted, some of my behavior right now is directly caused by sleep deprivation, said change being a new job with early-early morning hours. I know for a fact sleep deprivation makes me mostly lose what control I do have over my emotions Still. My reactions, even with that stressor factored in, don't seem "normal" as I see it.) If it isn't normal, what do I do about it? 2.) I am bonded at the hip with my partner. The change that caused this post means I will spend far less time with my partner than before. The break is causing me tremendous anxiety, though practically speaking this change is a good one and I should be happy about it. How do I make this less feel less traumatic?

Context:

Per 1.), I have always had an exceptionally hard time with change. If everything in my life is not perfectly in a routine, I stop being able to sleep, experience anxiety, and have crying meltdowns to the (eventual) irritation/loss of patience of everyone around me. An example: after college I attempted law school, but this failed not because the classes were so hard (they were) or the profs so anal (some were) but because I couldn't handle the total shift in my life from placid, 9-5 undemanding existence into, well, law school. Just to give you an idea where my focus was: I was having panic attacks because I was afraid I would not be able to fit gym time into my schedule. (You'd think, you know, hello, law school and $$$$ spent on it comes first? Nope. I was panicking about whether I could access the elliptical machine on weekends.) Law school tanked because I could not get past the need to force order on my life, as I needed to see it, over the need to, you know, succeed in law school WITHOUT having all my ducks lined up exactly as I wanted them. Which is ridiculous and I knew it then and I know it now: if I had just stuck with it, as a lawyer I would have had much more power to impose order on my life, the way I want it, than I do upon it right now. The futuristic planning part of this problem just can't compete with my anxiety/fear of change in the moment. Does this sound familiar to anyone reading this? Is this (relatively) normal, or am I a basket case?


2.) I have often suspected that partner, though male, more or less has assumed the role my mother had in my life growing up. The attachment pattern is the same. He is like her in many ways, both good and bad. She and I were also, for many years, attached at the hip, and emotionally. Not anymore, not for many years. Now, it seems I have replaced my mother with my partner. It makes the change I am going through now, that would otherwise have been difficult, but doable, so much harder than it needs to be. I am doubtful of meds (ZoLoft made made me a zombie, others gave me all kinds of unwanted side effects.) I don't know how to make this easier, other than to quit - this is about a job - and search for one with hours closer to my partner's.
posted by Crystal Fox to Health & Fitness (12 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
To help us contextualize, would you mind telling us how many hours you spend with your partner right now, and how many hours you used to / would like to?
posted by schroedingersgirl at 8:49 AM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]


So, don't totally discount meds. I'm not saying they're the only solution, but you should consider them in the arsenal of tools you need at your disposal.

It sounds to me like you have a lot of untreated anxiety. A LOT. To be frank, no, your reactions to the stressors of life are not considered to be in the normal range of behaviors. That doesn't mean you're a basket case! It just means that you're wired differently and you need some tools to help you manage what really looks like crippling, life-altering anxiety (i.e. quitting law school because of panic attacks over not finding gym time).

Get yourself a therapist. You may not click with the first one (or two, or three) you meet, but you eventually will (and if you click with #1, yay for you!). You need a professional to guide you through because right now, you're really not handling life very well by yourself. You seem to be co-dependent, too, which isn't healthy in the long run. For short term stressors - funerals, moves, big life changes with expiration dates - a little co-dependency is normal and useful.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy might be in order, or some other sort of therapy, and honestly, anti-anxiety meds have saved my life. There are lots to choose from and you and your therapist can discuss exactly what went wrong with the meds you have already tried so you can decide, together, if it's the road you want to go down.

Good luck. Take it from me, anxiety does NOT have to rule your life. You will be so much happier when you can get it under control.
posted by cooker girl at 8:58 AM on June 30, 2017 [19 favorites]


1.) Is it normal to freak out/have a meltdown, crying, depression) over a relatively simple change in one's life?

No. You know this. Your wording emphasizes this. I mean sure sometimes things are tough and people cry and that is part of being a human with emotions. But a meltdown is almost by definition outside of the range of normal. You sound like you have untreated anxiety which can affect

1. your sleep
2. your mood
3. your feelings towards your partner and your extreme doubt about your own perceptions

cooker girl has good advice. You don't have to live this way.
posted by jessamyn at 9:06 AM on June 30, 2017 [11 favorites]


I was panicking about whether I could access the elliptical machine on weekends.

So, I have an anxiety disorder, and I made it through law school, though I didn't take the bar exam and will never practice. And, like, 95% of my panic attacks during law school were about things completely unrelated to class. Anxiety tends to work this way. Your brain seizes on the closest available thing and it may or may not be related to the actual largest source of stress in your life. The way I made it through law school was not willpower--it was the support of people close to me and regular trips to a psychiatrist and to a therapist.

It doesn't help to think about whether you're a basket case or not, whether you're crazy or not, all that. Those labels just aren't useful. This isn't "normal", but that doesn't mean that either you have to give up on life entirely or power through it all with sheer force of will. Asthma isn't "normal" but for most people it's very manageable with occasional trips to the doctor and appropriate medication. Anxiety is the same way. You may not be able to find anxiety meds that work well for you to take all the time--I never have. But CBT did me a lot of good, and I have meds for occasional usage, and sometimes I have a bad period but mostly I'm really okay now and I have a good life. You've figured out you have a chronic health condition. Take it as seriously as you would any other health condition.
posted by Sequence at 9:24 AM on June 30, 2017 [12 favorites]


I remembered your name from your question about your freeloading boyfriend.

Is this the same boyfriend who had you leave the house your parents bought you and continued living there rent-free? The same boyfriend who had you work for him and didn't pay you?

I wonder if all of this anxiety isn't about this one simple life change and instead, a lot of buried feelings and anger and resentment and sadness have all come to the surface.

Like cooker girl said, you should most definitely get into therapy. I honestly don't think your current anxiety is related to this one thing; I think you have an awful lot to sort out.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 9:45 AM on June 30, 2017 [17 favorites]


If you're not interested in trying meds again right away (or ever), start instead with intensive therapy. The anxiety along with codependent relationship patterns and lack of emotional resilience can be very well addressed in therapy. This doesn't need to be your permanent state.
posted by quince at 9:46 AM on June 30, 2017


I peeked at your other questions, and I would also put it this way: do not expect too much, too quickly. You've asked about several things that seem unrelated but they have one common theme: outlining a particular situation that is causing you stress. Some of these things may be significant, others might be exacerbated by the fact you can't address them logically because you're anxious all of the time.

I've dealt with anxiety issues for a lot of my life, and it's ridiculous what the anxious mind can do. And it spirals. The best thing therapy, or following the practices taught by CBT or similar therapies can give you is the ability to understand that those stressors are part of the anxious mind. It's an energy black hole that makes you unable to prioritize anything. Even when you're trying to do one task, your mind is looking for something to obsess about. You need the ability to dismiss those thoughts as the anxiety talking.

I went through a part of my life where I had no significant problems: home was fine, work was fine, my family was fine. I would wake up and suddenly start dwelling on some minor car accident I'd been in five years ago. Because my default state was to be anxious, I had no ability to funnel my energy into anything other than feeding anxiety. It was my default state. You're not alone, and this isn't permanent.
posted by mikeh at 9:54 AM on June 30, 2017 [4 favorites]


You really, really deserve to receive some treatment for your anxiety. I am pro-meds. The medical profession exists so that people don't have to suffer.
posted by kitcat at 10:12 AM on June 30, 2017 [2 favorites]


I remembered your other question too. How is your boyfriend reacting about your new job? In your other question he at first didn't want you to get a job because you were working for him without pay. Then he agreed you should get a job and he needed to change his financial habits. Is he still being supportive? Has he changed his financial habits? If the answer to those things is no, that could be what's causing your anxiety rather than the new job itself.

Basically, what yes I said yes I will Yes said.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:12 AM on June 30, 2017


Response by poster: Schroedingersgirl - basically, all the time. We had the same schedules even when we met and I had a different job at that time. This is the first time our schedules are totally opposite.

For everyone else, all of what I have done since asking my first question is try and implement the dominant advice given there - to choose myself. Varying degrees of success... nonetheless, all the controlling people in my life have completely different positions than they did since I asked that, and that is because I made that happen and everyone here helped me to make that happen. hurdy gurdy girl - boyfriend supports my new job, not nastily or underhandedly, because I made my boundaries on that and related issues very, very clear (they hadn't been up to that point, which was part of the problem.) Unfortunately just getting a job does not address my deeper issues (a part of me hoped it would be that simple.) Everyone is right, I need a therapist. It's a matter of paying for one (reasons) when unemployed (which if this job doesn't work out I will not be able to do, unless I find something else quickly.) But yes, I am definitely working to the point where I can find someone to discuss this all with. Thank you very much to everyone who has taken the time to answer my questions. I know you are all strangers but it helps a lot.
posted by Crystal Fox at 12:49 PM on June 30, 2017 [1 favorite]


First, I would absolutely prioritize sleep - sleep deprivation is horrible human brains and even worse for ones that are not at 100% (anxiety, aging, illness - lots of things make take their toll on our brains - add even a little sleep deprivation and it has an outsized effect on our ability to function.

Second, remember, if you can stick with this, eventually this job will be part of your new normal routine and this will be what you don't want to change. So this adjustment isn't forever - it is just until you adjust.

Third, your boyfriend supports your job. He is there for you, just sometimes you are in different places and you need to hold on until you are both together again. Try to make sure you know when you are going to be together next and hold that in mind when you start to freak out because you aren't joined at the hip.

If you need to have some crying melt-downs right now because that is how you relieve some of the pressure, you might want to think about how else you let it out (exercise is usually a good one) but you can also give yourself permission to have a good cry when you need it. Just let people know that you need a minute to take care of yourself, go off, have the cry you need and then come back. If you can be matter-of-fact about it, it won't be nearly so annoying to everyone else - just let them know that's what you do, they don't have to fix it or worry about it, just let you do what you need to do.
posted by metahawk at 5:50 PM on June 30, 2017


I changed jobs into something that was on paper and in reality easier, less stress and better hours. I was great at the core element of it and everyone thought so. And I was a wreck and so, so unhappy. It turned out what I thought I wanted wasn't, basically, and that a certain amount of stress is good for me provided it's channeled the right way.

You remind me a bit of myself in some ways. I'm an inveterate planner and like advance notice of basically everything, don't respond well to last minute changes, like things to be a certain way, and can be derailed with depressing effectiveness if something doesn't "go right" - when I'm not doing well.

When I'm doing well, these tendencies are nowhere near so pronounced.

Something else I tend to do when stressed or grappling with a lot of change is to latch on to things as existential crises, things that when I'm doing better I barely notice and don't really care about at all.

What helps/helped me? One, I quit that job got a job that on paper and in reality is harder, more unpredictable and more stressful, and it's a better fit for me and I enjoy work again.

Two, I practice a lot of CBT techniques. I've found them really helpful.

Three, regular aerobic exercise is a fantastic outlet for residual anxiety that occurs throughout the day. I personally found it more useful than a lot of mindfulness etc.

Four and finally, using CBT techniques etc, I thought about what I really wanted to change and what really mattered to me, what what I really wanted to change about how I thought and acted, and I tried to change some of those things, with patience, self-compassion, and flexibility. Did I "turn my life around"? No. But it's heading in the right direction, not the wrong direction, and that's good.

Two simple things that have helped me in this ongoing journey: asking myself, "what would you tell a friend to do?" and asking "what would the version of myself I want to be do?"

Best of luck, you've got this. :)
posted by smoke at 9:43 PM on June 30, 2017


« Older Best way to rent out beautiful historic bank in...   |   ISO online Italian lessons Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.