Help Me Maintain a Calm Demeanor Please
June 27, 2017 10:08 AM   Subscribe

On Friday, my family and I are going to court to read our victim impact statements.

My parents were killed by a wrong-way driver about 18 months ago. My father died within the week; my mama followed him two weeks later. The driver will hear our statements, but the statements are directed to the judge.

I've written and rewritten my statement at least 50 times and finally settled on what I want to say. I want to be strong when I read it to the court: I don't want to cry. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

Any suggestions--other than anti-anxiety drugs: I have to drive three hours after court is over--to staying strong in court? I think my words will be so much more powerful if I can maintain my composure.
posted by byjingo! to Law & Government (19 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Focus on your breath, at the level of your diaphragm. Practice this, as a method to occupy your more autonomous reflexes. Practice now, and use it with a simple meditation, like I am calm, I can do this. Then when you go to court, you can read without losing it, perhaps. Practice reading your statement while monitoring your breath. I can't help but think that showing some emotion that reveals the damage the driver did, would help your case.
posted by Oyéah at 10:14 AM on June 27, 2017


Can you practice it? I would practice it several times, maybe in front of a mirror.

Make sure to have something really relaxing to do, both after you practice and after you get home from court.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by sockermom at 10:15 AM on June 27, 2017 [5 favorites]


Practice. Read it out loud to yourself as many times as you can. To the point where you have it memorized or semi-memorized. It's worked for me in the past with eulogies.
posted by craven_morhead at 10:16 AM on June 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


This sounds like a criminal case. If so, you should check with your prosecutor's office to see if they have some kind of Victim Advocate staffer who can help answer your questions or point you to some resources. If not, consider talking this over with the prosecutor on the case, who may have zir own ideas about what would be the most effective presentation from you.

I don't practice criminal law, but if this were a civil lawsuit for damages against the other driver and the various insurance policies, I might tell my client that it's okay to cry, that the judge needs to see how much this has hurt you, and that the judge is going to be respectful about giving you time to compose yourself, because ze has seen plenty of tears in that courtroom.

Practically speaking, stay at a motel the night before near the courthouse, sleep as much as you can, and have a good but light breakfast. Bring a friend to sit in the front row of the gallery wherever the witness stand points as a visible show of support.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by radicalawyer at 10:19 AM on June 27, 2017 [14 favorites]


Unsolicited advice: try to give yourself a little time to unwind before that long drive home. Take yourself to a relaxing lunch, or go for a nice walk. You don't want all that nervous energy to cause you to fall apart while you're driving. Take care, I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by backwards compatible at 10:22 AM on June 27, 2017 [9 favorites]


My first reaction is - it's OK and totally normal for you to cry at something like this. There will not be any problem in terms of the legal proceeding if you cry and I'm sure that many people giving similar statements have cried--the judge will be very experienced with this. Also, if the goal is to let the judge know exactly how this impacted you, emotion and crying is a big part of that. But, if it is important for you to try not to cry, then I would practice giving the statement aloud - preferably to a friend or some other audience, but alone too. Delivering a spoken statement is entirely unlike writing one, even if you have re-written it many times. If you practice delivering it ~15 times, it will become somewhat rote/mechanical for you and that will take some of the emotion out of it. Of course, part of the impact of such a statement is the emotion, so I would not want to practice it until it became robotic.
posted by Mid at 10:32 AM on June 27, 2017 [8 favorites]


Visualize yourself sounding how you want to sound and feeling how you want to feel. Try to give yourself a concrete image (e.g., "I am sitting on my cloud") that helps anchor you to that desired mood. It might take some work to figure out what that image is.
posted by salvia at 10:39 AM on June 27, 2017


I'm sorry you have to face this. The temptation to not drink much water to avoid pit stops is high - but please stay very well hydrated during all this, including the drive after. Our bodies and brains work much better when hydrated. Eat more wisely than you may want too - some comfort food is required, but eating all comfort food and sugar will throw your body as off balance as your heart feels. In the hours leading up to your reading, check in with yourself frequently - consciously remind yourself to breath deeply and to un-clench your whole body. Do you have some friends who could either come with you, or maintain frequent text check-in? That may help you feel like you have the opportunity to lose composure with them, and thus let you hold it together in front of the judge. Finally, and maybe a little 'woo', but imagine an anchor tethering you to solid ground. It can wick away your tears while you need them to be elsewhere. It can hold you to the place you want to be, until you pull it up and choose to let loose. Don't fault yourself if you do cry. This is deeply, intensely emotional. You are human and your heart is broken. I hope you find solace and peace.
posted by AliceBlue at 10:42 AM on June 27, 2017 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you all for your suggestions. I will practice ahead of time beginning tonight. And I won't worry about the tears. (The victim's advocate and the state's attorney have been more than a blessing to us.)

It is the end of the criminal case. A civil suit has been filed, but I'm hoping that the lawyers will be able to work that out for us.

And yes. I will take a break before I attempt to drive home. I have two books on CD to listen to, to take my mind off court.

Again...thank you all for your suggestions.
posted by byjingo! at 10:49 AM on June 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


Here to add my voice to the chorus of "rehearse it as much as you can" - every time you say it out loud, you will feel the words a tiny bit less keenly. This has worked for me, almost shockingly well given my natural propensity to cry at almost anything.

Also, someone told me (on this very site I think) that as a short-term solution, pushing your tongue hard into the roof of your mouth can stop tears, and I have also tried this and it works (goodness knows why). It's an ok very-temporary solution if you feel like you're going to crack and don't want to.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish you strength and love for Friday.
posted by greenish at 10:51 AM on June 27, 2017 [3 favorites]


Some courts offer support dogs for people who have to give upsetting testimony. Maybe something to look into? Another idea: have something you find comforting on you or in your pocket--a smooth rock, a soft scarf, something whose sensory touch might ground you or comfort you. Also bring some tissues with you in case you do cry.

Fwiw, when I have had success in stopping tears, I have taken a deep breath and emptied my mind. Sometimes I concentrate on the words I want to say, but not always. I have found that thinking more about how I don't want to cry, or the thing that is making me cry or my own judgments about my emotions makes it nearly impossible to stop tears that are on their way.

Seconding it's normal to cry and okay. I also hate crying in front of people. Your vulnerability in that moment can feel awful. Maybe it would help a little to remember that there is power in vulnerability too, if you do cry.

Also seconding the unsolicited advice to give yourself some time to unwind afterward.

I'm sorry for your loss and that you have to face this.
posted by purple_bird at 10:52 AM on June 27, 2017 [1 favorite]


For the record, propranolol (a beta blocker) can be prescribed for anxiety in situations like this one. It is not sedating, won't make you sleepy or stoned, and you can safely drive after taking it. It is actually a blood pressure medication, but has been accepted for situational use for "performance anxiety." I have been prescribed it and have taken it before major, anxiety-producing presentations (for example, my Ph.D defense, when I really needed to have my brain functioning at 100% and not be sleepy or stoned, but I also really needed to not be uncontrollably panic-crying). It may be worth calling your doctor to ask if this is an option for you. It seems like this is the kind of situation where it might be appropriate.
posted by snowmentality at 11:10 AM on June 27, 2017 [5 favorites]


I'm sorry for your loss. You've received good advice above, but if the day comes and you feel like you just can't say the words, it is possible for someone other than the victim to read a victim impact statement into the record. Maybe keeping that in the back of your head as plan B would help.
posted by Flannery Culp at 11:28 AM on June 27, 2017


Looking up at the ceiling can help prevent tears.
But this seems like a time when an anti-anxiety med could help, so if the drive is the only thing preventing that, can you not drive? I wish you had a friend who could drive you home after court or alternatively that you could stay in a hotel and drive home after resting.
Another thing you could try is a meditative practice to center your thoughts a bit. One I know of is to picture drawing a square as you slowly breathe: picture a dot, and breathe in and connect a line to another dot, then breathe out and picture drawing a line to another dot. I'm sorry, I'm explaining this terribly!
If you find yourself unable to read your statement, I'm sure there will be someone who can read it for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by areaperson at 11:31 AM on June 27, 2017


Seconding beta blockers. Get a scrip and take one ahead of time at home (like the day before) to test them out so you know that you don't get any bad side effects (AFAIK most people don't get tired on them). So sorry for your loss and what you're going through.
posted by amro at 11:39 AM on June 27, 2017


Keep in mind that this judge will have seen many people crying, and often for much less excellent reasons than you have. No one's going to judge you if you do weep. There will probably be a pitcher of water on or near your lectern or table. Taking a drink is a good way to take a pause if you feel tears coming on.
posted by praemunire at 12:16 PM on June 27, 2017 [5 favorites]


Looking up at the ceiling can help prevent tears.

Seconded. If you can catch it before you start actually sobbing, this stops tears. I'm guessing it physically blocks the tear ducts or something, I don't know. I also don't know whether it's a good "tactic" to cry during the statement, I'm just offering "technical" advice in case you don't want to.

To calm yourself down beforehand without (or in addition to) medication, go to the restroom as close to you can to the time you're scheduled to give your speech. Splash your face with cold water, especially your cheeks under your eyes. If splashing isn't advisable (your outfit) or awkward, wet a paper towel. If running water isn't accessible, carry a wet wipe. If you can't do that, find a cold can of soda or bottled water and hold it against your cheekbones. The point of this is that it stimulates an autonomic reflex that slows your heart rate and calms you down. For me, it works about 90% of the time.
posted by AFABulous at 2:13 PM on June 27, 2017 [2 favorites]


In addition to rehearsing beforehand I find that it helps to imagine myself as successfully completing a presentation or whatever I'm trying to do. I try and do it almost as if I'm recalling a movie that I have seen.
posted by Melsky at 3:37 PM on June 27, 2017


I received the advice to hold a cold pack on my wrists, if it's possible to do this discreetly somehow (very small one in a pocket or bag?). There's some sort of physiological response to the cold that helps, apparently. I hope it goes as well as it can, and I'm so sorry for your loss.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 5:50 PM on June 27, 2017


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