How to maintain a good relationship when unemployed/underemployed?
June 26, 2017 10:06 PM Subscribe
Living abroad. Underemployed and soon to be unemployed. Feeling totally miserable and frustrated. Which is destroying my relationship.
I am currently living abroad with my partner. We are here for his job. We met here, but I would have gone home two years ago if I hadn’t met him. I was unemployed for a while, and then found a job for the past year or so. This job doesn’t stretch or challenge me, and I am really struggling with doing something I find so boring every day, mainly because it's a dead end, and I don’t see it taking me anywhere in the future. My contract will end in a few months, and I will be unemployed again.
There is an industry I would like to break into. I have made contacts and had interviews within this industry, but positions come up few and far between and so far, although I’ve come close, I've had no luck yet. I am limited in the positions I can apply for in my current location. There are some opportunities here, but far more in our home country, which I really miss. I have some friends here, but a lot more friends at home. I managed to keep myself feeling like I was moving forward the last six months by volunteering, and taking extra courses to boost my CV, but now that isn’t enough to keep me feeling happy and fulfilled. The main problem is the job situation, and I don’t know how to solve it.
All of this is making me so unhappy, that it is affecting my relationship. I’m absolutely no fun to be around. My partner feels bad that I am living here for him and feels like he is holding me back. I’m struggling so much with how I feel, all the time. He feels really stressed by the situation. I love a lot of things about our relationship, and I love my partner but right now we seem to keep falling into low-grade bickering, and getting upset with each other. It’s stressful and getting in the way of how close we used to be. I feel like he expects something better from me, but I think in reality I expected something better from me, and I am disappointed with myself at how stuck I am.
We can’t continue like this, and something needs to change. But it’s my situation/emotional state that is causing us problems, and I don’t know if it will change any time soon. Finding a job can take a long time, and I am scared about how unemployment is going to further affect my mental health/our relationship if I don’t find something by the end of my contract.
I really want my relationship to work, and I just feel so sad about how it’s all turning out. Somedays I just want to pack it all in and go home, but I really want to be with my partner. I used to be such an outgoing, happy, positive person and I feel like I am slowly fading away. My job situation is steadily chipping away at my sense of interest in the world, my self-esteem and my relationship, and there does not seem to be any end in sight that I can work towards. It has been like this for two years now, and it feels never-ending!
I have three questions:
1. Does anyone have any tips for keeping your relationship healthy during extended stress/un(der)employment?
2. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and how did you make it work for you?
3. How do I hang in there, when I can’t see the end point?
P.S I already have a therapist.
I am currently living abroad with my partner. We are here for his job. We met here, but I would have gone home two years ago if I hadn’t met him. I was unemployed for a while, and then found a job for the past year or so. This job doesn’t stretch or challenge me, and I am really struggling with doing something I find so boring every day, mainly because it's a dead end, and I don’t see it taking me anywhere in the future. My contract will end in a few months, and I will be unemployed again.
There is an industry I would like to break into. I have made contacts and had interviews within this industry, but positions come up few and far between and so far, although I’ve come close, I've had no luck yet. I am limited in the positions I can apply for in my current location. There are some opportunities here, but far more in our home country, which I really miss. I have some friends here, but a lot more friends at home. I managed to keep myself feeling like I was moving forward the last six months by volunteering, and taking extra courses to boost my CV, but now that isn’t enough to keep me feeling happy and fulfilled. The main problem is the job situation, and I don’t know how to solve it.
All of this is making me so unhappy, that it is affecting my relationship. I’m absolutely no fun to be around. My partner feels bad that I am living here for him and feels like he is holding me back. I’m struggling so much with how I feel, all the time. He feels really stressed by the situation. I love a lot of things about our relationship, and I love my partner but right now we seem to keep falling into low-grade bickering, and getting upset with each other. It’s stressful and getting in the way of how close we used to be. I feel like he expects something better from me, but I think in reality I expected something better from me, and I am disappointed with myself at how stuck I am.
We can’t continue like this, and something needs to change. But it’s my situation/emotional state that is causing us problems, and I don’t know if it will change any time soon. Finding a job can take a long time, and I am scared about how unemployment is going to further affect my mental health/our relationship if I don’t find something by the end of my contract.
I really want my relationship to work, and I just feel so sad about how it’s all turning out. Somedays I just want to pack it all in and go home, but I really want to be with my partner. I used to be such an outgoing, happy, positive person and I feel like I am slowly fading away. My job situation is steadily chipping away at my sense of interest in the world, my self-esteem and my relationship, and there does not seem to be any end in sight that I can work towards. It has been like this for two years now, and it feels never-ending!
I have three questions:
1. Does anyone have any tips for keeping your relationship healthy during extended stress/un(der)employment?
2. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and how did you make it work for you?
3. How do I hang in there, when I can’t see the end point?
P.S I already have a therapist.
Can your partner consider quitting his job to go back home, for you?
posted by Kwadeng at 12:06 AM on June 27, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by Kwadeng at 12:06 AM on June 27, 2017 [8 favorites]
Yes, the one option you left out was him getting a comparable job to what he has now back in your country.
I feel for you, though. It's hard on the brain, though meditation (just 5min/day!) and exercise helps a lot, but that doesn't fix the future in a material way. Is it a bigger problem that you're bored and not evolving, or is it a money thing? Not having money is *much* worse, FWIW. There are actors and artists who have been working dumb jobs for extremely extended periods, and I think there's probably a change of heart where the stuff you do outside of work is what provides the spark for your life, provided you have money to provide the bare essentials of survival.
posted by rhizome at 12:36 AM on June 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
I feel for you, though. It's hard on the brain, though meditation (just 5min/day!) and exercise helps a lot, but that doesn't fix the future in a material way. Is it a bigger problem that you're bored and not evolving, or is it a money thing? Not having money is *much* worse, FWIW. There are actors and artists who have been working dumb jobs for extremely extended periods, and I think there's probably a change of heart where the stuff you do outside of work is what provides the spark for your life, provided you have money to provide the bare essentials of survival.
posted by rhizome at 12:36 AM on June 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
There is no good reason to prioritise his professional development and fullfilment over yours. None whatsoever. Presumably you're not married and have no children to complicate things?
So expand your job search to your home country. If a good opportunity presents itself take the job and move back home. If he is as committed to the relationship as you are he should not just be stressed by your unhappiness but should be encouraging you to do what you have to do to make yourself happy again. He should be willing to make a change for your overall welfare and also look for a job in your home country.
If his opportunity in your current location is exceptionally, uniquely good you can agree that you leave first and give the new job in home country six months or a year. By then you'll have a better idea if it is a good fit and if the move has contributed to your overall happiness the way you expect it to.
But bottom line - both of your happiness is equally important and he should be as willing to accommodate your needs as you have been willing to accommodate his by staying. By the sound of it you've given things a good shot in your current country and it's not working. And yes, that might mean the end of the relationship if it turns out he's not as committed as you are. That can happen. But consider that the relationship may not last anyway. Your priority should be your happiness and long-term prospects.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:55 AM on June 27, 2017 [21 favorites]
So expand your job search to your home country. If a good opportunity presents itself take the job and move back home. If he is as committed to the relationship as you are he should not just be stressed by your unhappiness but should be encouraging you to do what you have to do to make yourself happy again. He should be willing to make a change for your overall welfare and also look for a job in your home country.
If his opportunity in your current location is exceptionally, uniquely good you can agree that you leave first and give the new job in home country six months or a year. By then you'll have a better idea if it is a good fit and if the move has contributed to your overall happiness the way you expect it to.
But bottom line - both of your happiness is equally important and he should be as willing to accommodate your needs as you have been willing to accommodate his by staying. By the sound of it you've given things a good shot in your current country and it's not working. And yes, that might mean the end of the relationship if it turns out he's not as committed as you are. That can happen. But consider that the relationship may not last anyway. Your priority should be your happiness and long-term prospects.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:55 AM on June 27, 2017 [21 favorites]
I was in a very similar situation- left a job that I found rewarding and an independent life I was pretty pleased with to move halfway around the world to a country where I didn't speak the language, all to be with my partner who would have been just as happy to move to be with me if he hadn't just been hired to do his absolute dream job in an industry he loves.
So... I found myself socially isolated and unemployed in a country where just going to the grocery store was an ordeal.
The plan was to stay for one year, then we would move back to my country. One year turned into two...and now we are on year five in his country. That first year was stupid hard. I thought about leaving the country, leaving him, and running back home. It was rough. It has, however, gotten much better. I'd say the turning point was around year 2.5-3, for me.
To answer your subquestions:
1. Does anyone have any tips for keeping your relationship healthy during extended stress/un(der)employment?
One of the things that made a huge difference for us, was the fact that I was allowed to be a bad expat in my home. Attending language classes, I was surrounded by people who seemed to find living in another country an exciting and fulfilling adventure. They all seemed to be having so much fun! And I was just barely keeping my head above water.
My partner was amazing about letting me vent, cry, be angry, be sullen, whatever it was. He wasn't afraid to talk about what I was feeling- which made him a safe place for me to turn to without fear of judgement. I met a few other people who were in similar situations but their partner's couldn't handle them being sad or angry or whatever. Eventually, they broke up and went home.
You are doing a hard thing. It's okay to be bad at it. You'll get better at it (Probably. If you are like me, it will take longer than you expect/want). If your partner can just hold you in that angry/unfulfilled space, without needing to fix it or be threatened by it, that can help a lot. And you can do the same for them.
2. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and how did you make it work for you?
I have found the career thing really hard. Luckily, my partner makes enough money that we could survive on just his salary (we couldn't live extravagantly, but we'd survive month to month). So, for a while I kind of mourned my old job. But, then I decided that not needing to work to pay the rent was really an opportunity to try new career opportunities. I taught myself to code for a while. Decided I didn't like that. Learned about some online sales opportunities. Decided that was terrible.
Now I'm doing some freelance work in an area that I always wanted to be working. The first year I made next to no money. But the next year I doubled it. And the next doubled it again. It's still not crazy lucrative, but I feel like I'm a contributing member of the household again, and that is so important. My partner was also very supportive of this. It was an opportunity that I would not have had if I was living in my home country, so it helped him feel like it was a way that he could give something back to me. (We know this feeling well: "My partner feels bad that I am living here for him and feels like he is holding me back")
Perhaps, if you have the luxury to, think about using this weird up-in-the-air time as a time to explore some of those career ideas you have that, if you were back home, you would think too outlandish or impractical.
I still go a bit crazy between freelance projects, however. I don't want to give you the impression that everything is perfect in the employment sector of my life. It is a lot better, though.
3. How do I hang in there, when I can’t see the end point?
It was really important for me to know that if it got too hard, we can go back to my home country. I needed to hear him say, out loud, that he would give up his dream job if I couldn't hack it here.
And he did.
And that helps a lot. It would be a lot of work and time and money, but if I can't take it here, I can go home, and he'll come with me. Knowing that I can, has meant that I haven't needed to.
Setting some goals might also help. Give yourself six months to achieve a professional goal. Get an interview at a company you like or in a sector that interests you. Get a certification that you find interesting. If you are at the point that you are seriously considering moving home, you are actually at a place of incredible freedom- an extra six months in this country won't change your employment prospects when you get home. So go wild, why not? If it works out, then hooray, if it doesn't, you are still in the same place you were six months ago.
We also moved out to the country. I am from a very small town, and moving to a large city was almost as much culture shock as moving to a new country. I have a garden now that I can putter around in. I have a class I go to once a week participate in a hobby I enjoy. We've got good neighbors. My life is smaller than it was back home- but there are a lot of opportunities here to do the things that I always thought would be fun/interesting, but never got around to. Location turned out to be a large part of my ability to feel in control/pleased with my life.
posted by Bibliogeek at 3:30 AM on June 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
So... I found myself socially isolated and unemployed in a country where just going to the grocery store was an ordeal.
The plan was to stay for one year, then we would move back to my country. One year turned into two...and now we are on year five in his country. That first year was stupid hard. I thought about leaving the country, leaving him, and running back home. It was rough. It has, however, gotten much better. I'd say the turning point was around year 2.5-3, for me.
To answer your subquestions:
1. Does anyone have any tips for keeping your relationship healthy during extended stress/un(der)employment?
One of the things that made a huge difference for us, was the fact that I was allowed to be a bad expat in my home. Attending language classes, I was surrounded by people who seemed to find living in another country an exciting and fulfilling adventure. They all seemed to be having so much fun! And I was just barely keeping my head above water.
My partner was amazing about letting me vent, cry, be angry, be sullen, whatever it was. He wasn't afraid to talk about what I was feeling- which made him a safe place for me to turn to without fear of judgement. I met a few other people who were in similar situations but their partner's couldn't handle them being sad or angry or whatever. Eventually, they broke up and went home.
You are doing a hard thing. It's okay to be bad at it. You'll get better at it (Probably. If you are like me, it will take longer than you expect/want). If your partner can just hold you in that angry/unfulfilled space, without needing to fix it or be threatened by it, that can help a lot. And you can do the same for them.
2. Has anyone been in a similar situation, and how did you make it work for you?
I have found the career thing really hard. Luckily, my partner makes enough money that we could survive on just his salary (we couldn't live extravagantly, but we'd survive month to month). So, for a while I kind of mourned my old job. But, then I decided that not needing to work to pay the rent was really an opportunity to try new career opportunities. I taught myself to code for a while. Decided I didn't like that. Learned about some online sales opportunities. Decided that was terrible.
Now I'm doing some freelance work in an area that I always wanted to be working. The first year I made next to no money. But the next year I doubled it. And the next doubled it again. It's still not crazy lucrative, but I feel like I'm a contributing member of the household again, and that is so important. My partner was also very supportive of this. It was an opportunity that I would not have had if I was living in my home country, so it helped him feel like it was a way that he could give something back to me. (We know this feeling well: "My partner feels bad that I am living here for him and feels like he is holding me back")
Perhaps, if you have the luxury to, think about using this weird up-in-the-air time as a time to explore some of those career ideas you have that, if you were back home, you would think too outlandish or impractical.
I still go a bit crazy between freelance projects, however. I don't want to give you the impression that everything is perfect in the employment sector of my life. It is a lot better, though.
3. How do I hang in there, when I can’t see the end point?
It was really important for me to know that if it got too hard, we can go back to my home country. I needed to hear him say, out loud, that he would give up his dream job if I couldn't hack it here.
And he did.
And that helps a lot. It would be a lot of work and time and money, but if I can't take it here, I can go home, and he'll come with me. Knowing that I can, has meant that I haven't needed to.
Setting some goals might also help. Give yourself six months to achieve a professional goal. Get an interview at a company you like or in a sector that interests you. Get a certification that you find interesting. If you are at the point that you are seriously considering moving home, you are actually at a place of incredible freedom- an extra six months in this country won't change your employment prospects when you get home. So go wild, why not? If it works out, then hooray, if it doesn't, you are still in the same place you were six months ago.
We also moved out to the country. I am from a very small town, and moving to a large city was almost as much culture shock as moving to a new country. I have a garden now that I can putter around in. I have a class I go to once a week participate in a hobby I enjoy. We've got good neighbors. My life is smaller than it was back home- but there are a lot of opportunities here to do the things that I always thought would be fun/interesting, but never got around to. Location turned out to be a large part of my ability to feel in control/pleased with my life.
posted by Bibliogeek at 3:30 AM on June 27, 2017 [5 favorites]
I moved about 15 years ago. I didn't move very far, so it wasn't as wrenching for me. But at the time the show Everwood was on TV. And on that show, from time to time, the teenager acted out or yelled at his dad for forcing him to move. This was cathartic for me. (Also, Chris Pratt plays the obnoxious teen next door.)
posted by puddledork at 12:27 PM on June 27, 2017
posted by puddledork at 12:27 PM on June 27, 2017
(I forgot to say that I moved for my husband's job and didn't have much of a choice.)
posted by puddledork at 12:42 PM on June 27, 2017
posted by puddledork at 12:42 PM on June 27, 2017
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If money is a problem, do a survival job. If your partner disapproves, tell him how it makes you feel. I also wonder if you could do what you want to do remotely somehow. So you could invest some of your time setting up your own consultancy.
If your partner disapproves, by the way, that's his problem, not yours.
posted by My Dad at 11:53 PM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]