I need help drafting supportive text messages for a friend with cancer

June 26, 2017 10:48 AM

A man who I am casually dating is in treatment for cancer. He was diagnosed after we met. He has a few weeks of treatment left and it has been really hard on him, both physically and emotionally. I've been through cancer treatment myself, so I can empathize, but I was never really sick and had no bad side effects. I send him a text message every day to check in, but asking "how are you today?" is not what I want to continue asking. I'd like things like, "wishing you peace and comfort today", as that takes the burden off of him to be happy or share what's really going on if he doesn't want to. PS He's not religious, so prayers are not an option.
posted by jennstra to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Have you asked him what works for him? I have a number of friends in various crises right now and honestly what they want are really bad jokes, dumb non-mean memes, and animal photos. I can send any one of them right now a picture of a goofy kangaroo with no commentary and they'd know exactly what I'm doing - thinking of them. (And one of them gets so many of these that I generally send her pictures of my pets instead, which she also likes.)

That's not something you want to do completely cold, in case that doesn't work for him, but it is okay to say "I would like to express my support for you in a way that makes you feel good and puts no burden on you, do you like horrible puns or do you prefer kittens? You don't have to reply, unless you feel like replying, okay?"

And that way the door is open for him to reply if it turned out he did want to talk or share more jokes or whatever, and if not he still knows you were thinking about him.

I think people get really worn out on inspo, unless it's from something that was already an interest. But I think a lot of people in cancer treatment in particular get an overwhelming amount of that just in passing magazine articles and framed platitudes hung on walls. (Though, if he is an absurdist, there's always InspiroBot.)
posted by Lyn Never at 11:01 AM on June 26, 2017 [12 favorites]

I have a friend who is in the very last stages of lung cancer and her feed is full of inspirational and pray-for-you and fuck cancer stuff and, I don't know, but it might be nice for your friend to get a message that isn't about that, but still shows you are thinking about him. Like, an ordinary message. I'm sure a "Just saw Wonder Woman. Three and one half golden lassos. When you are up to it, we should go see it together" would be appreciated.

Were I the one in the hospital I know that my life would be made immeasurably better by cat pictures, because I like cat pictures.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:12 AM on June 26, 2017 [6 favorites]

People are going to be different. I just finished cancer treatment, and I would want the jokes and funny animal pictures and WTF Evolution. To me, "wishing you peace and comfort" would feel like the writer thought I was at death's door. It's just too much like one of those inspirational cards and it feels like it keeps the focus on the cancer. However, for some people, that might be exactly the right thing (just as some people would want prayers). Also, I like It's Never Luigi's suggestion - it's light and focuses on doing something together when the person feels better.

BTW, you are awesome for sending a daily text. I would have loved that.
posted by FencingGal at 11:21 AM on June 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

Best answer: Agree - I wanted funny videos or interesting reads to keep me occupied during all day chemo (or while wide awake on steroids later). A card might be good? Mostly I wanted people to just treat me normally like they always would and not have a pity party for me or focus just on cancer. Open the door for him to talk about treatment/side effects, but also some normalcy is in order - and 100% you are correct, don't make him feel bad for not being happy right now. If you're willing, see if you can just hang out and if there's anything you could help with. For me, carrying groceries was hard thanks to the IV bruising, and my back was sore from radiation, so someone who would've done some mild chores would've been awesome. The little stuff no one wants to do can help a lot.
posted by OneSmartMonkey at 11:33 AM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

Recommending this book a zillion times. How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who's Sick by Letty Cottin Pogrebin. Even though you are someone who can empathize not just sympathize, I think it will be helpful to think through some of the possibilities for types of texts/messages.
posted by spamandkimchi at 11:34 AM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: This is hard. I think what he wants and needs to hear is really, really specific and personal to who he is, and you're going to have more luck figuring it out through interaction with him than you will from a group of other people who don't know him, even if those people have gone through something similar.

For example, when I was going through cancer treatment I wanted everybody to say the same things they said to me before I was diagnosed. I had a friend who started sending extra "thinking of you"/funny joke texts two or three times a day and I had to ask her to stop, because just as I would finally start to think about something else besides cancer, I'd get a text from her that I know she wouldn't have sent otherwise, something intentionally intended to cheer me up - and it brought me right back to thinking about cancer again. I told this story in a support group once, and got responses from another person who didn't feel this way at all - she wanted the extra attention from the people in her life, and when her friends didn't make a special effort, she felt like what she was going through wasn't being taken seriously.

So, I would try to talk to him and ask what he prefers. Regardless, one of the best things I heard from someone going through treatment - and it may have been from someone I know in real life, or someone on metafilter - is that her best friend would occasionally text her and say, "I have your favorite latte. Should I leave it on the porch or ring the doorbell?" and whatever the response was, it was okay. I like this because it gives the cancer patient agency - something sorely in short supply when you're regularly submitting to poisonous infusions and painful surgeries.
posted by something something at 11:52 AM on June 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

Best answer: I know that when I was in treatment the content of the messages was so much less important than knowing someone was willing to take the time to send them.
Casually dating might imply some level of intimacy, just letting them know you still find them worthwhile/attractive/interesting will have a positive impact as well. No one wants to be written off.
posted by OHenryPacey at 3:18 PM on June 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

Totally depends on the person. My husband is going through treatment for cancer, and a daily text of any kind would probably annoy the crap out of him. He just wants to live his life and not be reminded of cancer. There's no general answer here - you may just want to ask him what he likes/needs.
posted by amro at 4:43 PM on June 26, 2017

Best answer: Nthing you need to figure out what is good for them, but if that is something distracting (as opposed to asking about how they are feeling etc.), I do think the occasional text that does query about this is important as well. Sometimes too much "distraction" can/would be construed as ignoring what they are going through.
posted by ryanbryan at 6:21 PM on June 26, 2017

I just send my friend the kind of funny links, stupid memes and slice of life texts that we would have exchanged before she got sick. Every so often, I say I miss them or ask how everything is going or if there is anything they need. It depends on the person. Some people hate that 'inspiring' stuff but some people really get something from it.
posted by Ziggy500 at 2:26 AM on June 27, 2017 [1 favorite]

Seconding animal photos. When I was in the home stretch finishing my dissertation, my then-casual-girlfriend sent a daily cute cat picture. It was a nice way of saying, like, "Don't feel pressured to put energy into talking to me (though you can reply if you feel like it), and either way this doesn't need to be some big emotional thing, but I think you're nifty and you're in my thoughts and maybe this will make you smile." Different situation, obviously, but it sounds like that might be the right tone with this guy too.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:16 AM on June 27, 2017