Gift idea for an acquaintance who has ALS?
June 24, 2017 1:10 AM   Subscribe

I work at a bar, and one of my regulars is a very sweet woman in her 60's (?) who has ALS. She has invited me to attend a 'celebration of life' for her (she is not close to death as far as I can tell, but wants a party with her friends while she is still somewhat communicable I believe), at her home tomorrow/today (Saturday). I'm honored to go, as I'm new and she does not like everyone that works where I do.

I feel like it would be appropriate to bring a small gift for her to the party, but I do not know what would be appropriate or not. Ideally this would be something I could pick up at a large slightly-more-upscale Walmart type store (Fred Meyers, this is the only major store on the way to her party).

She still has (limited) verbal skills, but I struggle to understand her well frequently. She is not wheelchair bound. She stops by my bar and has one beer and frequently is by herself. Just adding info if that helps anyone help me in this situation!

Thank you for any suggestions!
posted by efalk to Grab Bag (17 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Response by poster: I should have added, it just occurred to me to get her a gift card for where I work, so that's a possibility
posted by efalk at 1:11 AM on June 24, 2017


If there's anything interesting about the beer she chooses at your bar, you could assemble a six or twelve pack of different brews you think she might like for days when she may not be up for venturing out. Bonus if you theme your selection to her interests, e.g., breweries located in places she's lived or traveled, the names of the beers, etc.
posted by carmicha at 2:39 AM on June 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


Can she definitely still eat and drink normally? If her speech is unclear then she may be having difficulties so I might stay away from food and drink.

I would go for something that feels nice- a massage certificate, some really posh lotions and so on. Maybe an undemanding pot plant that smells gorgeous.
posted by kadia_a at 3:29 AM on June 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: If there's anything interesting about the beer she chooses at your bar - I worry about her ability to open bottled beer. I know her beer of choice, but her hand mobility is limited.

Can she definitely still eat and drink normally Not quite. Also why I worry about buying an inappropriate gift.
posted by efalk at 4:10 AM on June 24, 2017


How about a favorite book on tape? (Er, audiobook?)
posted by stillmoving at 4:20 AM on June 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I think a gift certificate to where you work is the most appropriate- along w a message that you really enjoy it when she comes in :-)

Then give her any free extra or bar snack you can when she does come in.
posted by cacao at 5:44 AM on June 24, 2017 [13 favorites]


I think the gift certificate to where you work is good. If you are willing to offer her your assistance at home if she needs it, write that in your card and give her your cell # so she can text or an email address. You say she comes to the bar alone. Does she have family and/or close friends who can be of help to her? What is her financial situation? Does she have an iPad? If not, and you think it would be beyond her means, consider starting a collection among your coworkers for one. When my mom lost the ability to speak from ALS, that's how she communicated (until she couldn't even type) and she really would have been unable to communicate much sooner without it.

This party may be something of a rallying cry. She will need a ton of support, assistance and love as the disease progresses. I was surprised and hurt by how many of my mom's supposedly close friends disappeared when she got sick. It's not easy to see someone decline like that, but it's harder to be that person.
posted by amro at 6:26 AM on June 24, 2017 [5 favorites]


I could be wrong but the "celebration of life" theme - which I've only seen connected with funerals - makes me wonder if she's planned her wake for when she is living, and if she has plans to ... make an early exit, shall we say.

There's no way to know except by asking her which of course you shouldn't do, and it shouldn't change your gift, but if you want to tell her anything about what she means to you then do it at the party - say it or put it in a card.

I could be completely wrong and she could just like the sound of "celebration of life" and want to have a party before ALS makes it harder to enjoy / participate in one.
posted by bunderful at 7:08 AM on June 24, 2017 [7 favorites]


To give you some context for this event, in my experience of ALS (I am a speech therapist working with swallowing) once swallowing and speech start getting affected, people can go downhill very very fast. Not always but often. I hope that doesn't happen to your friend but you should be aware.
posted by kadia_a at 7:47 AM on June 24, 2017


Best answer: Flowers. Get a bouquet from Fred Meyers. Flowers are lovely, beautiful, very cheering, personal and thoughtful. Everybody wins.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:02 AM on June 24, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I like DarlingBri's suggestion, and would only add to make sure the flowers are already in a vase (or that you've brought one separately) so she doesn't have to hunt around when you arrive.
posted by Iris Gambol at 10:34 AM on June 24, 2017 [1 favorite]


Echoing what bunderful said. It's the first thing that occurred to me, because medical assistance in dying (MAiD) is now legal where I live, and people are definitely starting to have celebrations of life/wakes while they're still alive to enjoy them. ALS causes a brutal and torturous decline and part of our MAiD laws were influenced by the advocacy of a woman with ALS.

If physician assisted suicide is legal where you are, this may well be what this celebration of life is, so I like bunderful's advice to say what you really want her to know in a card or at the party. Messages in cards are especially nice because they can be reread later.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:14 AM on June 24, 2017 [4 favorites]


Oh wow, yeah I didn't think of that because unfortunately I do not live in a state that permits aid in dying. But you are in Colorado? So yeah.
posted by amro at 2:23 PM on June 24, 2017


Response by poster: If anyone is interested in an update, I bought her a bouquet of bright flowers and a gift card to my work place. I was worried it might be sparsely attended and I would be awkwardly a lone person there, but there were quite a few neighbors and family members.

I spoke with a family member for some time and learned she is not doing as well as I had thought (she's ambulatory, drives, etc) and family member intimated to me that they are worried her time may be limited as she has made clear she will refuse a feeding tube and is eating very little at this point. It was quite sad to hear what I did, but I'm glad I went.
posted by efalk at 1:18 AM on June 25, 2017 [4 favorites]


Best answer: I'm sorry to hear she's doing worse than you had thought, but I'm glad you and quite a few went to her celebration of life. It probably meant a lot to her.

I hope her end is as peaceful as possible.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:30 AM on June 25, 2017 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: I currently live in Oregon, which I think pioneered PAS, so that may be something she is thinking. But I can't say what I would do in her position. I thank you all for your suggestions and support. She is a very nice person and hard a hard life from what I heard at the party. I think if anyone looks this up, the best gift I gave was being there. I was so happy to make her happy by being there.
posted by efalk at 1:51 AM on June 25, 2017 [7 favorites]


I am so happy you went. I am sure that your friend appreciated it.

ALS fucking sucks.
posted by amro at 4:38 AM on June 25, 2017


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