Dating a New Person That's Making Me Feel Uncomfortable
June 23, 2017 12:02 PM Subscribe
I met a girl on Tinder, and we talked for a week before meeting up. However after a few dates, things are getting weird...
1) She started to call me her "new boyfriend" on the second date.
2) She's pretty, but she's put on at least 60lbs in the past year. I don't mind someone being a bit overweight, but a lot of weight gain in a short amount of time is a red flag.
3) All of her recent photo albums on Facebook are of her past boyfriends.
4) Without my express permission, she posted pictures of me on FB (without her in it). Upon investigating (thanks to previous FB albums), she took me to the exact same place she took her previous BF.
5) When out, she would tell me where to stand and to do things while she took photos of me. This made me feel very uncomfortable.
6) I told her why this makes me uncomfortable (all albums are of previous BFs) and she ignored my concerns.
7) I'm not very attractive (I'm skinny, so it isn't a weight issue), and have low self-esteem due to a serious relationship ending a few months ago.
8) She constantly wants to plan things with me, and she doesn't really have friends (outside of work).
9) When I told her I wanted to take things slower, she seemed hurt and ignored my question.
10) We've had sex, and the chemistry wasn't there. When I ask her what she likes she says she can't cum, and is good with "whatever" when I try things her, she says "it's fine" and doesn't continue.
How should I proceed? We've only been on two dates. Is breaking up via FB acceptable?
1) She started to call me her "new boyfriend" on the second date.
2) She's pretty, but she's put on at least 60lbs in the past year. I don't mind someone being a bit overweight, but a lot of weight gain in a short amount of time is a red flag.
3) All of her recent photo albums on Facebook are of her past boyfriends.
4) Without my express permission, she posted pictures of me on FB (without her in it). Upon investigating (thanks to previous FB albums), she took me to the exact same place she took her previous BF.
5) When out, she would tell me where to stand and to do things while she took photos of me. This made me feel very uncomfortable.
6) I told her why this makes me uncomfortable (all albums are of previous BFs) and she ignored my concerns.
7) I'm not very attractive (I'm skinny, so it isn't a weight issue), and have low self-esteem due to a serious relationship ending a few months ago.
8) She constantly wants to plan things with me, and she doesn't really have friends (outside of work).
9) When I told her I wanted to take things slower, she seemed hurt and ignored my question.
10) We've had sex, and the chemistry wasn't there. When I ask her what she likes she says she can't cum, and is good with "whatever" when I try things her, she says "it's fine" and doesn't continue.
How should I proceed? We've only been on two dates. Is breaking up via FB acceptable?
By FB I assume you mean messenger, not in a post. Yes, do that. "Sorry, we're not a good match." Don't respond to future communications because she's almost definitely going to chase after you.
posted by AFABulous at 12:09 PM on June 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by AFABulous at 12:09 PM on June 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Y'know, this question made me a bit sad. When I was in my early 20s, I could have been this girl. I recall chatting with someone on the internet for a while, we went on a date to one of my favourite places, and we hung out a lot over a month or so. And I thought we were serious and kept feeling upset that the person never wanted to make plans apart from hanging out at my place.
Anyway, I was ghosted by this person on my birthday when I had planned on introduce my friends to this new person in my life.
I don't think I was full of red flags. I was just seeing someone who I later heard had told their friends I wasn't attractive enough to date properly, but was good enough to hang out with. Conversations I had thought innocuous had been spun as me being an obsessive psycho.
All I'm saying is that there are two sides to every story and I cannot help but think what the girl's take on your story would be.
Be kind, for heaven's sake.
posted by kariebookish at 12:23 PM on June 23, 2017 [107 favorites]
Anyway, I was ghosted by this person on my birthday when I had planned on introduce my friends to this new person in my life.
I don't think I was full of red flags. I was just seeing someone who I later heard had told their friends I wasn't attractive enough to date properly, but was good enough to hang out with. Conversations I had thought innocuous had been spun as me being an obsessive psycho.
All I'm saying is that there are two sides to every story and I cannot help but think what the girl's take on your story would be.
Be kind, for heaven's sake.
posted by kariebookish at 12:23 PM on June 23, 2017 [107 favorites]
Be kind, for heaven's sake.
I agree. And I don't think it's unkind to write her a short private message, wherever you usually communicate, that says "Hey, I am really sorry but I am not feeling the connection I need to continue dating. Best of luck in all your endeavors" and then leaving it at that. She will reply, but you are not obligated to continue communicating with her after you break it off kindly.
posted by sockermom at 12:25 PM on June 23, 2017 [63 favorites]
I agree. And I don't think it's unkind to write her a short private message, wherever you usually communicate, that says "Hey, I am really sorry but I am not feeling the connection I need to continue dating. Best of luck in all your endeavors" and then leaving it at that. She will reply, but you are not obligated to continue communicating with her after you break it off kindly.
posted by sockermom at 12:25 PM on June 23, 2017 [63 favorites]
I think you can break up with her on Facebook. Just be clear, direct and brief, and then I'd go no-contact. I'd probably then unfriend her too.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:28 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:28 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Nthing being nice about this. I don't see someone who you should be worried about. I see someone who is really lonely. I think it's unfair to assume she's going to go nuts because you don't think it's working. Maybe that happens, and then you deal with it. But again, I think the assumption is unfair, and frankly, a little mean.
I wouldn't do this via any sort of remote message. Even over the phone sounds rude to me. But I'm also old.
posted by cnc at 12:29 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't do this via any sort of remote message. Even over the phone sounds rude to me. But I'm also old.
posted by cnc at 12:29 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
When out, she would tell me where to stand and to do things while she took photos of me. This made me feel very uncomfortable. (and she ignored his explanations of this is uncomfortable)
This is what stood out the most to me and I do NOT think it is a mean assumption at all to be wary of this or think this person is boundary pushing. But be nice when breaking up, of course!
posted by agregoli at 12:45 PM on June 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
This is what stood out the most to me and I do NOT think it is a mean assumption at all to be wary of this or think this person is boundary pushing. But be nice when breaking up, of course!
posted by agregoli at 12:45 PM on June 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
Dump her ASAP. Sure, do it as conscientiously as possible, but feel free to do it via FB message or similar and then immediately go no-contact. She in completely unhinged and taking care of yourself needs to be your top priority.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 12:47 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by schroedingersgirl at 12:47 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
9) When I told her I wanted to take things slower
10) We've had sex,
We've only been on two dates.
Her calling you her boyfriend is almost as incoherent as this is.
and she is showing you almost as much weird disrespect as you're showing her, so you should stop seeing her. Tell her in any venue you want, it doesn't matter whether it's Facebook. If someone's appearance or the history (!!) of their appearance strikes you as a "red flag," don't fuck them. If that is contributing to your sense of discomfort, it should.
posted by queenofbithynia at 12:50 PM on June 23, 2017 [84 favorites]
It's concerning that she's not listening when you state your discomfort. Breaking up seems like the best path.
After being intimate with someone an in-person conversation is called for. However it's better to break up via almost any method at all rather than ghosting, so if you can't pull off the in-person dump, do what you can.
posted by bunderful at 12:52 PM on June 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
After being intimate with someone an in-person conversation is called for. However it's better to break up via almost any method at all rather than ghosting, so if you can't pull off the in-person dump, do what you can.
posted by bunderful at 12:52 PM on June 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
The first bullet point alone is enough reason to stop seeing someone. Send her a text saying you didn't feel a connection and wish her luck. If she persists, don't respond and block her on everything.
posted by blackzinfandel at 12:58 PM on June 23, 2017
posted by blackzinfandel at 12:58 PM on June 23, 2017
"I think you're a good person, but this isn't working out for me. I don't think we should see each other again. I wish you well in life." Done.
The two of you don't seem like a good match at all. Chalk it up to dating mulligans and move on. And don't have sex unless you're confident about the chemistry and the status of the relationship.
posted by Autumnheart at 1:06 PM on June 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
The two of you don't seem like a good match at all. Chalk it up to dating mulligans and move on. And don't have sex unless you're confident about the chemistry and the status of the relationship.
posted by Autumnheart at 1:06 PM on June 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
None of these things are huge red flags. They strike me as... not very mature, but people in their early years will be that. They usually outgrow it. Keep dating long enough, and you'll get to the point where you think its cute you were bothered by this. That said, what she has done doesn't matter because it doesn't seem like you like her very much, and so for this reason, you should stop seeing her.
But this thing you quoted...
she took me to the exact same place she took her previous BF.
That's not weird. When I dated, I usually took my dates to the same places I took other dates. It reduced a lot of unknowns and allowed me to concentrate on putting my best face on and paying more attention to them. Also, it turns out, when I broke up with someone I often still liked the same things I liked before we dated.
As you get older, you're going to date more women who have substantial dating/sexual histories. To a large degree, they are functionally irrelevant. She's there, now, with you, now.
Learn to let go and live in the now, bro.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 1:43 PM on June 23, 2017 [17 favorites]
But this thing you quoted...
she took me to the exact same place she took her previous BF.
That's not weird. When I dated, I usually took my dates to the same places I took other dates. It reduced a lot of unknowns and allowed me to concentrate on putting my best face on and paying more attention to them. Also, it turns out, when I broke up with someone I often still liked the same things I liked before we dated.
As you get older, you're going to date more women who have substantial dating/sexual histories. To a large degree, they are functionally irrelevant. She's there, now, with you, now.
Learn to let go and live in the now, bro.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 1:43 PM on June 23, 2017 [17 favorites]
Some of these things are more red-flaggy than others, but overall it just sounds like you're not that into this person? Remember you don't have to come up with a lengthy list of justifications in order to be allowed to break up with someone: you're allowed to cut things off because you're just not feeling it!
I'm torn on the right way to do it -- on the one hand, I don't think I'd break up with someone I'd had sex with over FB messenger. But at the same time, it seems silly to set up a meeting with someone you've only been out with two times just to break up with them. So, do what feels right, but BE KIND. There is no need to list out all the things wrong with her (weight, photos on Facebook, sexual compatibility, etc.) when you do it, you can just say "Hey, it's been nice getting to know you but I'm not feeling a romantic connection going forward. I wish you the best!"
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:54 PM on June 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm torn on the right way to do it -- on the one hand, I don't think I'd break up with someone I'd had sex with over FB messenger. But at the same time, it seems silly to set up a meeting with someone you've only been out with two times just to break up with them. So, do what feels right, but BE KIND. There is no need to list out all the things wrong with her (weight, photos on Facebook, sexual compatibility, etc.) when you do it, you can just say "Hey, it's been nice getting to know you but I'm not feeling a romantic connection going forward. I wish you the best!"
posted by rainbowbrite at 1:54 PM on June 23, 2017 [3 favorites]
Send her a kind message saying you're not feeling the spark and that you're sorry for leading her on, wish her the best, and delete her. You're not in a relationship after two tinder dates so just be up front with her as soon as possible so she can move on. Personally I don't appreciate the in person break up when it's not serious yet, just call her or send her a message.
posted by lafemma at 2:11 PM on June 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by lafemma at 2:11 PM on June 23, 2017 [5 favorites]
It's safe to pull the whole "I thought I was over my last relationship, but I'm just not ready to date." Then unfriend and block.
posted by Toddles at 3:28 PM on June 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Toddles at 3:28 PM on June 23, 2017 [7 favorites]
You're not into her. The kindest thing would be to end it, as quickly and clearly as possible, and to make the decision "about you" as much as possible (eg. "I'm not ready like I thought.")
IMHO, it is ideal to do that in person if you've had sex with someone, but if the thought of seeing her will make you hesitate or delay, Messenger or whatever is fine. The most important thing is to get it over with so that you can each find the right fit.
posted by rpfields at 5:40 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
IMHO, it is ideal to do that in person if you've had sex with someone, but if the thought of seeing her will make you hesitate or delay, Messenger or whatever is fine. The most important thing is to get it over with so that you can each find the right fit.
posted by rpfields at 5:40 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Some of your points may or may not be a big deal, but this is at least a huge red flag, and I'd say a deal-killer:
9) When I told her I wanted to take things slower, she seemed hurt and ignored my question.
That means she's bad at communication and seems much less concerned about your feelings than her own.
You're not required to break up in person after 2 dates. I don't even know why anyone's saying it would be better in person. If I had been on only 2 dates with someone and she lost interest in me after that, I'd much rather she break things off with an online message than by scheduling a 3rd date with me just to say she isn't interested. I don't see any virtue in unnecessarily prolonging the process of letting it be known that you won't be interested in a 3rd date.
posted by John Cohen at 5:48 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
9) When I told her I wanted to take things slower, she seemed hurt and ignored my question.
That means she's bad at communication and seems much less concerned about your feelings than her own.
You're not required to break up in person after 2 dates. I don't even know why anyone's saying it would be better in person. If I had been on only 2 dates with someone and she lost interest in me after that, I'd much rather she break things off with an online message than by scheduling a 3rd date with me just to say she isn't interested. I don't see any virtue in unnecessarily prolonging the process of letting it be known that you won't be interested in a 3rd date.
posted by John Cohen at 5:48 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
"I thought I was over my last relationship, but I'm just not ready to date."
Please don't say this if it's not true. Just politely say that you're not feeling the connection as sockermom says above. No need to be dishonest or give her reason to think she should wait for you or try to change your mind.
posted by pinochiette at 6:11 PM on June 23, 2017 [9 favorites]
Please don't say this if it's not true. Just politely say that you're not feeling the connection as sockermom says above. No need to be dishonest or give her reason to think she should wait for you or try to change your mind.
posted by pinochiette at 6:11 PM on June 23, 2017 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Agreeing with pinochiette: when you say "I'm not ready to date," it implies that you might be ready to date in the future - i.e. the other person still has a chance. Be gentle, be brief and general, but leave no room for interpretation: "I don't think it's working out" or "I don't think we're right for each other" is enough.
You're uncomfortable with her; that's all that matters. Break up with her. In the early stages, it's easiest and best to deliver the message through whatever means of communication you use most often with her.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:37 PM on June 23, 2017
You're uncomfortable with her; that's all that matters. Break up with her. In the early stages, it's easiest and best to deliver the message through whatever means of communication you use most often with her.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:37 PM on June 23, 2017
In reading your question, I really had the impression that not only do you not like this woman and do not want to date her, but that you knew this at least on some level between date one and two. Maybe you carried on because you weren't quite sure, but you sound pretty sure now.
I don't think that because you've had sex you must do this in person, but I do think that however you do it, you should be kind, clear, and firm that you really do not want to continue. And concise.
posted by sm1tten at 6:57 PM on June 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
I don't think that because you've had sex you must do this in person, but I do think that however you do it, you should be kind, clear, and firm that you really do not want to continue. And concise.
posted by sm1tten at 6:57 PM on June 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
You are uncomfortable. You don't need to justify to yourself or us. It's ok to not want something and end it. Do it kindly.
posted by zippy at 7:10 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by zippy at 7:10 PM on June 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think you at least owe a phone call to someone you've had sex with, but I'm old fashioned in some ways. Definitely break up with her though - you don't seem to like her much at all.
posted by corb at 1:42 AM on June 24, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by corb at 1:42 AM on June 24, 2017 [6 favorites]
Man up and make a phone call...
posted by xammerboy at 4:35 AM on June 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by xammerboy at 4:35 AM on June 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
Well for heaven's sake, stop having sex on your second date!!
But yeah, just end things with her.
For plenty of people, once you're having sex with someone you assume this person is now the person you're officially dating. I wouldn't be too hard on her for calling you her boyfriend considering you did have sex, which was a bad move on your part.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:44 AM on June 24, 2017 [6 favorites]
But yeah, just end things with her.
For plenty of people, once you're having sex with someone you assume this person is now the person you're officially dating. I wouldn't be too hard on her for calling you her boyfriend considering you did have sex, which was a bad move on your part.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 4:44 AM on June 24, 2017 [6 favorites]
she took me to the exact same place she took her previous BF.
Agree with Pogo Fuzzybutt that this is not a big deal. I have a few places I really like to go with a date where I feel comfortable. It would be challenging to find all brand-new places for every single person I date.
I once told someone very sweet but with whom I wasn't clicking that I was still hung up on my ex and couldn't date right now. A couple of months later they found my profile on another dating site and messaged me, excited that I was over the ex and ready to date. I had to let them down *again* and it really sucked. You don't have to give an explanation, unless you want to say - truly - that the chemistry isn't there and you don't see it working out.
Wait to sleep with people until you know you like them and that you're both looking for the same thing.
posted by bunderful at 6:06 AM on June 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
Agree with Pogo Fuzzybutt that this is not a big deal. I have a few places I really like to go with a date where I feel comfortable. It would be challenging to find all brand-new places for every single person I date.
I once told someone very sweet but with whom I wasn't clicking that I was still hung up on my ex and couldn't date right now. A couple of months later they found my profile on another dating site and messaged me, excited that I was over the ex and ready to date. I had to let them down *again* and it really sucked. You don't have to give an explanation, unless you want to say - truly - that the chemistry isn't there and you don't see it working out.
Wait to sleep with people until you know you like them and that you're both looking for the same thing.
posted by bunderful at 6:06 AM on June 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
In general, the most respectful way to break up with someone you've had sex with is in person. But this kind of only applies if you're breaking up with someone you see regularly, because setting up a date with the intention of breaking up with someone is really not great. It's pretty awful to think you're going on a date, get all dressed up and excited for it etc, and realize it was a date to be dumped.
So I think a reliable chat method is your best bet (ie ascertain she's there and seeing what you're writing, not just send a one line text or FB message and hope she gets it whenever.) It is both most least awkward for you, and probably least hurtful to her. Also, it allows you to do it ASAP, rather than waiting for when the person is next available to go out.
So yeah, just do it, like right now. I agree with the folks who said it's best to be honest but not specific. Say "I realize I'm not feeling the right kind of connection, wish you the best" and be done with it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:23 AM on June 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
So I think a reliable chat method is your best bet (ie ascertain she's there and seeing what you're writing, not just send a one line text or FB message and hope she gets it whenever.) It is both most least awkward for you, and probably least hurtful to her. Also, it allows you to do it ASAP, rather than waiting for when the person is next available to go out.
So yeah, just do it, like right now. I agree with the folks who said it's best to be honest but not specific. Say "I realize I'm not feeling the right kind of connection, wish you the best" and be done with it.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:23 AM on June 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I understand I caught some flack for this post, but I would like to clarify a few things.
1) It was her ignoring my wishes that made me uncomfortable.
2) The first thing that made me deeply uncomfortable were the previous albums of her past boyfriends on Facebook. In addition to this, she wasn't in any of the photos. Not only that the past three albums she had on Facebook were of past boyfriends.
3) With that in mind, I went on the second date with her. She took me to the exact same place she took her past boyfriend to. While there, she had everything planned out, and asked me to stand and do things as she took photos of me -- this made me very, very uncomfortable.
4) The weight thing. Being overweight isn't a deal breaker for me. She wasn't grossly overweight, but her being insecure about it and making comments about it put me off. I went from excited to having met her, to put off. It felt as if I was a consolation prize instead of someone she really would like to be with were she in shape.
5) I'm not attractive (bland face and skinny), but I've at least been able to date average/pretty/plain people with great personalities. If she had a lovely personality and was upbeat, I would still be dating her. Everything about seeing her felt "off" to me, and made me feel uncomfortable.
Ultimately, I broke up with her (we only went on two dates after all) via Facebook. I told her the chemistry wasn't there, and that I wished her all the best. She never replied, I just got a "read acknowledgement" message. I've since deleted her from FB, and I'm not bothering with dating for a while. My feelings for my ex-gf (we broke up almost 4 months ago) are still raw.
posted by GiveUpNed at 6:04 PM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
1) It was her ignoring my wishes that made me uncomfortable.
2) The first thing that made me deeply uncomfortable were the previous albums of her past boyfriends on Facebook. In addition to this, she wasn't in any of the photos. Not only that the past three albums she had on Facebook were of past boyfriends.
3) With that in mind, I went on the second date with her. She took me to the exact same place she took her past boyfriend to. While there, she had everything planned out, and asked me to stand and do things as she took photos of me -- this made me very, very uncomfortable.
4) The weight thing. Being overweight isn't a deal breaker for me. She wasn't grossly overweight, but her being insecure about it and making comments about it put me off. I went from excited to having met her, to put off. It felt as if I was a consolation prize instead of someone she really would like to be with were she in shape.
5) I'm not attractive (bland face and skinny), but I've at least been able to date average/pretty/plain people with great personalities. If she had a lovely personality and was upbeat, I would still be dating her. Everything about seeing her felt "off" to me, and made me feel uncomfortable.
Ultimately, I broke up with her (we only went on two dates after all) via Facebook. I told her the chemistry wasn't there, and that I wished her all the best. She never replied, I just got a "read acknowledgement" message. I've since deleted her from FB, and I'm not bothering with dating for a while. My feelings for my ex-gf (we broke up almost 4 months ago) are still raw.
posted by GiveUpNed at 6:04 PM on June 26, 2017 [2 favorites]
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I don't think etiquette needs to be considered that much here.
posted by agregoli at 12:04 PM on June 23, 2017 [47 favorites]