Condolence note for young teen- help?
June 21, 2017 11:02 PM Subscribe
A former student's sibling has died. I will be out of town for the memorial service but would like to let him know I am thinking of him.
The student just finished 8th grade, and was in my class in 6th and 7th grade. School is out for the summer and I am not super close to him, but he's a good kid and I want him to know that he has the support of the school community, his friends and former teachers. Others from the school are arranging meals etc. for the family, to which I will contribute.
I did not know the sibling, who was a bit older and died unexpectedly and tragically a few days ago. The family is not particularly religious. Please help me find some words.
The student just finished 8th grade, and was in my class in 6th and 7th grade. School is out for the summer and I am not super close to him, but he's a good kid and I want him to know that he has the support of the school community, his friends and former teachers. Others from the school are arranging meals etc. for the family, to which I will contribute.
I did not know the sibling, who was a bit older and died unexpectedly and tragically a few days ago. The family is not particularly religious. Please help me find some words.
This happened to a friend of mine when we were about the same age (but it was his younger sibling). Mizu's advice is good, and I assure you the card will be appreciated.
I'm sure you've heard this, but when the poop hits the fan some people you thought were good friends vanish, and others (like you) prove invaluable.
I'll preface this by saying there was no way my friend would have emailed an adult and asked them for any sort of contact - but he was offered a job doing lighting at the school theatre and that was really good for him I think, and he found adults he could talk to that way. He's still in touch with a bunch of teachers from middle school. Having something to do, somewhere safe to go, and keeping in touch with a few adults who knew him "before" was really helpful. Actually, it might be kind of nice for him that you didn't know the sibling personally, so the focus can remain on him. Maybe in the fall, once school has started, reach out casually just to see if he's interested in tutoring/mowing your lawn/shovelling snow or something. Always tip, maybe leave a snack sometimes, let him chat or not - just treat him like any kid. Casual exposure over time will be good for him, regardless.
posted by jrobin276 at 11:55 PM on June 21, 2017 [6 favorites]
I'm sure you've heard this, but when the poop hits the fan some people you thought were good friends vanish, and others (like you) prove invaluable.
I'll preface this by saying there was no way my friend would have emailed an adult and asked them for any sort of contact - but he was offered a job doing lighting at the school theatre and that was really good for him I think, and he found adults he could talk to that way. He's still in touch with a bunch of teachers from middle school. Having something to do, somewhere safe to go, and keeping in touch with a few adults who knew him "before" was really helpful. Actually, it might be kind of nice for him that you didn't know the sibling personally, so the focus can remain on him. Maybe in the fall, once school has started, reach out casually just to see if he's interested in tutoring/mowing your lawn/shovelling snow or something. Always tip, maybe leave a snack sometimes, let him chat or not - just treat him like any kid. Casual exposure over time will be good for him, regardless.
posted by jrobin276 at 11:55 PM on June 21, 2017 [6 favorites]
My mother passed away a few days after my 14th birthday. Whilst I would have appreciated a message of support like a card there is no way I'd have reached out to a teacher or most any other adult actively. Please still include that contact information if you want because the parents might find it helpful as well.
From my young perspective it was noticeable that a lot of adults/neighbours/friends of the family made a big fuss about my brother and me intitially. But they all went back to normal quickly. I really appreciated the very small number of people who kept showing an interest for months and years, like the neighbour who took it upon herself to keep a loose eye on my school stuff and made me come over to quiz me on stuff for upcoming tests (knowing that my father was picking up some stuff but not everything my mother had done). Or the one who used me as 'tutor' for her daughter who also was a close friend, giving me an excuse to come over even more but in a way that meant she also got to talk to me and look out for me.
In summary, if you can find a way of showing an interest after things have gone back to 'normal' for most people in the autumn/winter/next spring and beyond that would be wonderful.
So I guess I'm fully 2nding Mizu and jrobin276.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:19 AM on June 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
From my young perspective it was noticeable that a lot of adults/neighbours/friends of the family made a big fuss about my brother and me intitially. But they all went back to normal quickly. I really appreciated the very small number of people who kept showing an interest for months and years, like the neighbour who took it upon herself to keep a loose eye on my school stuff and made me come over to quiz me on stuff for upcoming tests (knowing that my father was picking up some stuff but not everything my mother had done). Or the one who used me as 'tutor' for her daughter who also was a close friend, giving me an excuse to come over even more but in a way that meant she also got to talk to me and look out for me.
In summary, if you can find a way of showing an interest after things have gone back to 'normal' for most people in the autumn/winter/next spring and beyond that would be wonderful.
So I guess I'm fully 2nding Mizu and jrobin276.
posted by koahiatamadl at 6:19 AM on June 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
About finding words... There is no need to be original and you certainly don't want to be clever. The most ordinary and direct words will do fine.
posted by SemiSalt at 10:26 AM on June 22, 2017
posted by SemiSalt at 10:26 AM on June 22, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Mizu at 11:20 PM on June 21, 2017 [4 favorites]