Separated co-parenting with an alcoholic

June 21, 2017 7:31 AM

I'm separated, divorce almost final. In the middle is a 9 y.o. with 50/50 custody (see some previous questions for some back story). Other Parent (OP) has history of alcohol and substance abuse, was/is in AA. Child recently had a discussion with me where they basically said "OP drinks beer and wine to 'get buzzed'." How do I manage this? I'd appreciate advice from anyone who has been in any of the positions in this current situation ... Thank you!

The child used the exact phrase 'get buzzed.' I assume child got this from a conversation with OP. So now I am freaking out. My immediate concern is to try and figure out what this means to the child. Is the child concerned? - they brought it up, after all. Should I probe further? Is probing productive, or potentially damaging? And so on. I think I can get access to a family therapist, however I wanted to started herding my ducks before I spring for an appointment. Thank you again.

posted by life moves pretty fast to Human Relations (7 answers total)

Best answer: "Honey, you know that good feeling you get when you spin in a chair? Some grownups get a similar feeling from smoking cigarettes or drinking beer. But you know how after you've spun in the chair a lot you feel sick? Grownups do too and even worse, smoking cigarettes does bad things to your lungs. Drinking too much beer can hurt your organs. So even though they feel good for a minute, in the long term, it is really bad. But people sometimes have a hard time deciding if the short term good feeling is worth the long term health effects."
posted by k8t at 7:56 AM on June 21, 2017 [21 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks k8t! Deserves an 'Explain Like I'm Nine' tag.
posted by life moves pretty fast at 8:21 AM on June 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Also make sure they know how and when to call you or 911 or to refuse to get in the car with OP. My SIL went through this with her ex and it worked out fine but her daughter knew exactly when and who to call if she felt uncomfortable or unsafe.
posted by fshgrl at 9:47 AM on June 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

I am in the final week of a divorce and my significant other brought this charge against me. She wanted a provision in the divorce decree saying neither one of us could consume alcohol within 24 hours of having the children.

It was stupid, because I have the kids three nights of each week, so this provision would say I can't drink alcohol for five nights out of the week. I pointed this out and the judge kept the provision, but changed it to "within 6 hours" of having the children.

I still balked because I thought it was stupid, and she said "It's not really enforceable. Nobody is going to check if either of you have been drinking. It will really only matter in a legal situation - like if you got in a car wreck and the kids were with you and you had been drinking. Other than that, it doesn't really do anything."

I didn't contest the provision, even though I thought it was dumb. But there's my two cents from a recent legal issue. You might not be able to do anything at all until/unless there is an actual incident. Sadly.

(I live in Oregon.)
posted by tacodave at 4:31 PM on June 21, 2017

Best answer: Have you considered speaking to your attorney about this issue? In my experience divorce decrees are tailored to the individuals and children impacted, and if this has been, and is, problematic it should be addressed. If your ex-husband straightens up now but lapses in, say, 5 years with a now-14 year old in the house you might have different issues. It will all go back to what is in the divorce decree.

In my mind - and obviously in yours - the safety and health of your son is paramount. Going back to the table now with this information could give you the ammunition and legal standing to intervene quickly to protect him in the future.
posted by citygirl at 4:35 PM on June 21, 2017

Best answer: easy-peasy (ask me how i know)...have your attorney put an item in the divorce decree: "Neither parent shall drink alcoholic beverages or use other intoxicants, in any quantity, during their parenting time. If violated, the consequence is somethingBad."

hard for OP to object really.

Alternatively -

"Neither parent shall drink to the point of intoxication during their parenting time. If violated, the consequence is somethingBad."

somethingBad could be rehab, alcohol class, UI monitoring...with a further violation triggering another custody evaluation. your lawyer knows how to do this.
posted by j_curiouser at 11:35 PM on June 21, 2017

Response by poster: Many thanks as always, everyone; this is so useful for helping me to gain perspective on this.
posted by life moves pretty fast at 9:28 AM on June 28, 2017