Can a joker and a serious person date happily?
June 16, 2017 1:14 PM Subscribe
My new love interest cannot be serious for ten seconds. How can I tell if he is serious about me?
Granted, this is VERY new. We've been dating for about a month, and he seems legitimately interested in some ways. He has asked for my favorite music - and listens to it. He asked for my favorite book, so he could read it. He texts, initiates time together, and all of that is great.
I enjoy that he is super funny, BUT there are two things bugging me, and I want to know if I am overthinking them.
1) He simply can't stop with the jokes and witty banter, even when I am trying to talk about something serious. It could just be a bad habit, but it comes across like he isn't interested in what I'm saying.
2) All his compliments focus on the physical. He likes my body, he thinks I'm sexy. Great. But c'mon I have a brain, too.
Given the newness, am I being too critical? Are these actual red flags? Is there hope for a joker and a wet blanket to live happily ever after?
Granted, this is VERY new. We've been dating for about a month, and he seems legitimately interested in some ways. He has asked for my favorite music - and listens to it. He asked for my favorite book, so he could read it. He texts, initiates time together, and all of that is great.
I enjoy that he is super funny, BUT there are two things bugging me, and I want to know if I am overthinking them.
1) He simply can't stop with the jokes and witty banter, even when I am trying to talk about something serious. It could just be a bad habit, but it comes across like he isn't interested in what I'm saying.
2) All his compliments focus on the physical. He likes my body, he thinks I'm sexy. Great. But c'mon I have a brain, too.
Given the newness, am I being too critical? Are these actual red flags? Is there hope for a joker and a wet blanket to live happily ever after?
It might be that he's not ready to talk about serious stuff with you after a month.
Ask him to not joke around when you don't want him to joke around, but if you find yourself doing it all the time then you're probably not compatible.
posted by mskyle at 1:20 PM on June 16, 2017 [15 favorites]
Ask him to not joke around when you don't want him to joke around, but if you find yourself doing it all the time then you're probably not compatible.
posted by mskyle at 1:20 PM on June 16, 2017 [15 favorites]
I have dated a couple of people like this, having a similar perspective as you, and it never worked out. Eventually the inability to be serious just became aggravating to me and it felt like I was never actually being listened to and then we broke up and I'd feel a sense of relief.
Also, if you're looking for a relationship...I found it hard to imagine how someone would handle an actual crisis if they couldn't even have a serious conversation in the carefree, infatuation stage of the first few months of dating. There are times in life when you just have to take stuff seriously.
posted by zdravo at 1:20 PM on June 16, 2017 [12 favorites]
Also, if you're looking for a relationship...I found it hard to imagine how someone would handle an actual crisis if they couldn't even have a serious conversation in the carefree, infatuation stage of the first few months of dating. There are times in life when you just have to take stuff seriously.
posted by zdravo at 1:20 PM on June 16, 2017 [12 favorites]
Yes. I was like this. I'm older, and slightly more refined and have a bit better manners, now, but I haven't changed much. I love cracking jokes and puns and general weirdness and my wife is....
Well, opposites attract, I guess. Yeah, sometimes, I'm not serious enough. Sometimes, she needs to remove stick from ass. Together we fight crime. We're coming up on 20 years together, so it must be working OK.
Dunno about you two. But, yes, it is possible to make everything a joke and still have a career and two newish cars and a house and raise a successful adult and all of that.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 1:26 PM on June 16, 2017 [21 favorites]
Well, opposites attract, I guess. Yeah, sometimes, I'm not serious enough. Sometimes, she needs to remove stick from ass. Together we fight crime. We're coming up on 20 years together, so it must be working OK.
Dunno about you two. But, yes, it is possible to make everything a joke and still have a career and two newish cars and a house and raise a successful adult and all of that.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 1:26 PM on June 16, 2017 [21 favorites]
Yeah, these things are problematic. The joking reads to me like a red flag only because this can signal immaturity and narcissism- they're the most interesting person they know, obv, and you're a square if you don't join the party.
The focus on physicality never goes away, either. This guy's looking for something breezy, non-committal and is focused on making himself feel good. It doesn't sound like he's someone you can see as a partner for most life experiences in general and it doesn't sound like you're a good match.
posted by marsbar77 at 1:27 PM on June 16, 2017 [4 favorites]
The focus on physicality never goes away, either. This guy's looking for something breezy, non-committal and is focused on making himself feel good. It doesn't sound like he's someone you can see as a partner for most life experiences in general and it doesn't sound like you're a good match.
posted by marsbar77 at 1:27 PM on June 16, 2017 [4 favorites]
I can see why it would bug you that he only compliments you about physical things, but he's showing you that he is curious about your mind when he asks about your taste in books and music. There are lots of guys who would pay lip service about thinking you are interesting, but not take any real interest in what you are into.
posted by cakelite at 1:29 PM on June 16, 2017 [13 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 1:29 PM on June 16, 2017 [13 favorites]
I think you should let him know that purely physical compliments feel empty, and that compliments about your intelligence and personality mean more to you.
You can do that in a direct or indirect way, and in a serious or jokey way. This early on I'd lean jokey and indirect, personally.
Also pay attention to whether he actually reads the book(s) you suggested. Or suggest some articles since books are so time-consuming. If he reads what you say is worth reading, I'd stick around a while longer. That's an explicit and concrete action (rather than just words, which could be insincere), which you can take as pretty clear proof that he does value your intelligence.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:30 PM on June 16, 2017 [6 favorites]
You can do that in a direct or indirect way, and in a serious or jokey way. This early on I'd lean jokey and indirect, personally.
Also pay attention to whether he actually reads the book(s) you suggested. Or suggest some articles since books are so time-consuming. If he reads what you say is worth reading, I'd stick around a while longer. That's an explicit and concrete action (rather than just words, which could be insincere), which you can take as pretty clear proof that he does value your intelligence.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 1:30 PM on June 16, 2017 [6 favorites]
He's clearly interested in your taste and intellect, or he wouldn't ask you about books/music/etc.! A guy who is interested in your interests and digs you sexually is not bad. The joking thing... I've seen it go different ways. He might just not be ready for heavy conversations, or he might be like this forever and ever and aggravate you to no end. It's kind of up to you.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:00 PM on June 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by stoneandstar at 2:00 PM on June 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: A month is really new—and newer to some people more than others—so I wouldn't necessarily worry about this as a lifelong incompatibility or anything yet. There are so many places it could be coming from, and most of the outcomes, at this point, are not "He's a narcissist"/"he will never respect me"/"he doesn't care about me" etc.
If it's bothering you so far, I think you're doing about what you should be doing: showing that you'd like to be able to connect with him on multiple levels. If it keeps bothering you, even on a surface level, or you get more serious relationship-wise and he still can't find a register in which he can demonstrate seriousness to you, then you have a problem.
posted by Polycarp at 2:01 PM on June 16, 2017 [8 favorites]
If it's bothering you so far, I think you're doing about what you should be doing: showing that you'd like to be able to connect with him on multiple levels. If it keeps bothering you, even on a surface level, or you get more serious relationship-wise and he still can't find a register in which he can demonstrate seriousness to you, then you have a problem.
posted by Polycarp at 2:01 PM on June 16, 2017 [8 favorites]
I'd ding him for it in clear concise terms, give him a brief chance for this to be a nervous habit that he gets under control (we all have 'em, we may not be super aware of them), but retreat if he can't/won't get a handle on it.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:01 PM on June 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Lyn Never at 2:01 PM on June 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think a request to be told about books and music you like is the best compliment to your mind and personality, and the only one that can be proven sincere. there is also an idea he may have heard of that brilliant women like to be complimented on their other attributes, since they must be sick of everybody telling them they're brilliant all the time. though this is mistaken; I have never found that it gets old, myself.
but even if you'd only known him for a day, you should be able to say "I need to ask you a serious question so give me a serious answer, no jokes, I mean it" and get him to do it. no reasonable person should refuse.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:15 PM on June 16, 2017 [17 favorites]
but even if you'd only known him for a day, you should be able to say "I need to ask you a serious question so give me a serious answer, no jokes, I mean it" and get him to do it. no reasonable person should refuse.
posted by queenofbithynia at 2:15 PM on June 16, 2017 [17 favorites]
This was totally my husband and me when we first began dating. (Him: jokester, me: jokester w/ wet blanket moments) For us, I've found that I have to compromise on some of my "hey, this is sewious" moments, and he knows when to stop. This did not happen intuitively or magically, though; only after we started talking about it. But I think you're right to look at it as a give-and-take thing, and wrong to characterize it as a deal breaker without (big caveat) a little more time and conversation between the two of you about this particular thing. I think you've got plenty of time to do so, since you're only a month in. And re big caveat: if he's not willing to discuss it at all, I Think that IS a deal breaker.
posted by pepper bird at 3:03 PM on June 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by pepper bird at 3:03 PM on June 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
My husband jokes all the time. I go back and forth between jokey and (probably) annoyingly sincere and serious. It took us a couple years to get our groove worked out, where I could trust that he would be serious when it was really important to me, and he could trust that I would be able to lighten up and laugh when I was worked up over not much. But we've been together almost 18 years now. So it definitely can be worked out with time and the desire to do so.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 4:12 PM on June 16, 2017
posted by WalkerWestridge at 4:12 PM on June 16, 2017
What are his friends like?
He might still be nervous, since it is early.
Give it a few more months. If you still don't like it then he's not for you. And that's ok.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:49 PM on June 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
He might still be nervous, since it is early.
Give it a few more months. If you still don't like it then he's not for you. And that's ok.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:49 PM on June 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
Have you asked him, out loud with your words, to:
1) cut the jokes for a sec, and
2) stop complimenting your bod?
His response will show his respect. Or lack thereof.
posted by fritillary at 5:06 PM on June 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
1) cut the jokes for a sec, and
2) stop complimenting your bod?
His response will show his respect. Or lack thereof.
posted by fritillary at 5:06 PM on June 16, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: It's way too early to tell. He's still trying to impress you, which is a good sign. But he's sticking with what has worked so far. Complimenting your looks, showing an interest in your interests, making you laugh.
At this stage in the relationship, you can't really tell what his baseline really is, yet. And depending on his age and experience, he may not be entirely sure what his baseline really is, either.
It sounds to me like you like each other. Give yourselves time to relax into each other, and don't be afraid to say some of these things to him along the way, see how he adjusts. Doesn't have to be a big thing, either. The next time he compliments your looks, thank him, and be sincere. But follow that up with something like, "But I assume my looks aren't the only thing about me you admire? How could they be? I wouldn't mind hearing about some of my other outstanding qualities from time to time." Give the line a comic delivery, but with enough mock seriousness that he knows he'd better deliver, too.
With the constant joking tone, maybe make an offhand comment at some point when there's no tension between you and so the stakes are otherwise low in the conversation and he won't already be defensive. You could tell him you love how funny he is - and be sure to do this at a time when you mean it - but you've been wondering if you need a "safe word" to use to let him know when you need a time out for seriousness.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:54 PM on June 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
At this stage in the relationship, you can't really tell what his baseline really is, yet. And depending on his age and experience, he may not be entirely sure what his baseline really is, either.
It sounds to me like you like each other. Give yourselves time to relax into each other, and don't be afraid to say some of these things to him along the way, see how he adjusts. Doesn't have to be a big thing, either. The next time he compliments your looks, thank him, and be sincere. But follow that up with something like, "But I assume my looks aren't the only thing about me you admire? How could they be? I wouldn't mind hearing about some of my other outstanding qualities from time to time." Give the line a comic delivery, but with enough mock seriousness that he knows he'd better deliver, too.
With the constant joking tone, maybe make an offhand comment at some point when there's no tension between you and so the stakes are otherwise low in the conversation and he won't already be defensive. You could tell him you love how funny he is - and be sure to do this at a time when you mean it - but you've been wondering if you need a "safe word" to use to let him know when you need a time out for seriousness.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 8:54 PM on June 16, 2017 [1 favorite]
Just because he's asking for your favorite books and music doesn't guarantee he's interested in your mind.
One of the most abusive people I've ever met asked me the same questions so he could mirror my behavior to show me what "soulmates" we are. That's when the gaslighting and emotional abuse began.
I'm not saying that's what this person is doing but I want to point out it is something some people do.
posted by _Mona_ at 6:11 AM on June 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
One of the most abusive people I've ever met asked me the same questions so he could mirror my behavior to show me what "soulmates" we are. That's when the gaslighting and emotional abuse began.
I'm not saying that's what this person is doing but I want to point out it is something some people do.
posted by _Mona_ at 6:11 AM on June 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
He seems interested in you. But do you actually enjoy being around him with 100% joking? Ask him if he is able to be sincere or earnest at all.
posted by theora55 at 8:29 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 8:29 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you might be physically compatible, but no more than that. That might even be why he compliments your body versus your mind. If you're not okay with that, now is a perfect time to end things.
posted by RainyJay at 12:40 PM on June 17, 2017
posted by RainyJay at 12:40 PM on June 17, 2017
The ability to break up a fight by joking is a wonderful asset in a relationship. The inability to stop joking and thus causing a fight is, um, not so wonderful. See which tendency predominates over the next several months and that's your answer.
posted by Capri at 2:05 PM on June 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Capri at 2:05 PM on June 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
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