How has the therapy process been for you?
June 16, 2017 1:00 PM
I want to know about your experiences in therapy.
How did you know that you found the right therapist?
How did you know that the therapeutic process was working?
What were you working on?
How long did it take to get over your issues?
Is there any such thing as over analyzing your issues in therapy?
What are some signs of a good or a bad therapist?
I did group therapy in college for a few years. Although it did help for my social anxiety, I don't necessarily see any long term benefits in any other areas in my life. I mostly stayed because it did make me feel better for that one and a half hour session, although I often felt like I was holding back for fear of judgment.
I'm switching to individual therapy but I'm having a hard time deciding whether I want to stay with my current therapist or not. Some of the bad signs that I've noticed is that she doesn't really take notes and she told me to consider it an option to confront someone that sexually abused me in the past. According to many people that's very bad advice.
Otherwise it's very easy to talk to her and she has given me some insight into some of the patterns that I need to break.
I did group therapy in college for a few years. Although it did help for my social anxiety, I don't necessarily see any long term benefits in any other areas in my life. I mostly stayed because it did make me feel better for that one and a half hour session, although I often felt like I was holding back for fear of judgment.
I'm switching to individual therapy but I'm having a hard time deciding whether I want to stay with my current therapist or not. Some of the bad signs that I've noticed is that she doesn't really take notes and she told me to consider it an option to confront someone that sexually abused me in the past. According to many people that's very bad advice.
Otherwise it's very easy to talk to her and she has given me some insight into some of the patterns that I need to break.
I needed to see a few therapists before I found one that I could really work well with. If you're looking for insight into your life or behavior, then seeing someone who offers that is perfect! I wanted hard results, and I worked best with someone who set concrete goals for me.
My therapist never took notes, but he seemed to remember things from session to session. I don't know if he jotted things down after I left, or if he just had a good memory. Either way, I wouldn't see that as a deal-breaker.
posted by christinetheslp at 1:29 PM on June 16, 2017
My therapist never took notes, but he seemed to remember things from session to session. I don't know if he jotted things down after I left, or if he just had a good memory. Either way, I wouldn't see that as a deal-breaker.
posted by christinetheslp at 1:29 PM on June 16, 2017
My therapist also doesn't take notes. Or rather, she does after my appointment, but not during my session. As far as confronting an abuser - I don't know if that's good advice. BUT there have been a lot of times my therapist has suggested I try things that felt wrong or uncomfortable, and as I started to feel better I realized that was more depression and anxiety than her giving me bad advice. Ultimately it's up to you what to try. Maybe start with something way smaller, but I have found therapy means being uncomfortable sometimes.
posted by Bistyfrass at 1:34 PM on June 16, 2017
posted by Bistyfrass at 1:34 PM on June 16, 2017
For me, I knew I was with the right therapist when I found myself talking about things I wouldn't dare speak about with my closest loved one.
posted by Thorzdad at 2:03 PM on June 16, 2017
posted by Thorzdad at 2:03 PM on June 16, 2017
I've visited two therapists in the last two years, and had very different experiences. I saw a therapist in high school as well but unfortunately it was so long ago that I don't remember much about her technique or mannerisms.
In 2015-16, the therapist I saw in DC was a very friendly man, probably no more than 10 years my senior. He was extremely easy to talk to - I really looked forward to our biweekly sessions - and I did feel like I made progress with him on my career/workplace anxiety.
The one I'm seeing now in MA is a lot different. She is a somewhat abrasive woman, probably 15-20 years older than me. She is pretty easy to talk to, but while I don't dread our weekly sessions I don't actively look forward to them, either. They are hard work. She challenges me and is really good about pointing out situations when I'm subconsciously ragging on myself or lying to myself. I feel like I am making real progress with my anxiety, and really starting to understand why my mind goes from "Oh they're a little late to brunch" to "Holy crap they're dead and/or hate me" in 5 seconds flat. I actually almost quit seeing her because she does rub me the wrong way sometimes-- I am so glad I didn't do that.
Some of the bad signs that I've noticed is that she doesn't really take notes
I've never had a therapist take notes. I don't think that's a bad sign at all. If she's consistently failing to remember things you've told her, then you would be right to be concerned. Otherwise...
...and she told me to consider it an option to confront someone that sexually abused me in the past. According to many people that's very bad advice.
I'm guessing your therapist knows more about your particular situation that "many people," so I would not just assume up front that she's giving you bad advice. Anyway, the role of a therapist isn't so much to dispense actionable life advice but to help you understand your thoughts and feelings and make your own decisions.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 2:23 PM on June 16, 2017
In 2015-16, the therapist I saw in DC was a very friendly man, probably no more than 10 years my senior. He was extremely easy to talk to - I really looked forward to our biweekly sessions - and I did feel like I made progress with him on my career/workplace anxiety.
The one I'm seeing now in MA is a lot different. She is a somewhat abrasive woman, probably 15-20 years older than me. She is pretty easy to talk to, but while I don't dread our weekly sessions I don't actively look forward to them, either. They are hard work. She challenges me and is really good about pointing out situations when I'm subconsciously ragging on myself or lying to myself. I feel like I am making real progress with my anxiety, and really starting to understand why my mind goes from "Oh they're a little late to brunch" to "Holy crap they're dead and/or hate me" in 5 seconds flat. I actually almost quit seeing her because she does rub me the wrong way sometimes-- I am so glad I didn't do that.
Some of the bad signs that I've noticed is that she doesn't really take notes
I've never had a therapist take notes. I don't think that's a bad sign at all. If she's consistently failing to remember things you've told her, then you would be right to be concerned. Otherwise...
...and she told me to consider it an option to confront someone that sexually abused me in the past. According to many people that's very bad advice.
I'm guessing your therapist knows more about your particular situation that "many people," so I would not just assume up front that she's giving you bad advice. Anyway, the role of a therapist isn't so much to dispense actionable life advice but to help you understand your thoughts and feelings and make your own decisions.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 2:23 PM on June 16, 2017
I have had several therapists and only one has really helped.
I'm not sure that confronting someone who sexually abused you in the past is good advice - but more to the point, I'm not sure your therapist should be giving you advice - the process should be about guiding you to find your own answers. Not taking notes isn't necessary a bad sign.
What I would think about:
Have you set goals and is your therapist working towards them with you? Are you meeting the goals?
Are there things you're holding back from your therapist? How comfortable do you feel with the idea of telling her you think her suggestion you confront your abuser is bad advice.
If you don't feel comfortable trust your gut instincts.
posted by Laura_J at 2:30 PM on June 16, 2017
I'm not sure that confronting someone who sexually abused you in the past is good advice - but more to the point, I'm not sure your therapist should be giving you advice - the process should be about guiding you to find your own answers. Not taking notes isn't necessary a bad sign.
What I would think about:
Have you set goals and is your therapist working towards them with you? Are you meeting the goals?
Are there things you're holding back from your therapist? How comfortable do you feel with the idea of telling her you think her suggestion you confront your abuser is bad advice.
If you don't feel comfortable trust your gut instincts.
posted by Laura_J at 2:30 PM on June 16, 2017
I was in therapy about three years ago. When I started, it was just once a week. I thought everything was mostly fine - I was engaged, had finished up my dissertation, and was planning to move across the country with my fiance.
After a few months, I had a minor crisis (a crush on a person not my fiance) that ballooned into a larger sense of frustration and discontentment. As things heated up, my therapy sessions became more intense, and started to narrow in on the subject of my relationship, drawing in aspects of my relationships with my parents. Eventually, this exploded into a full grown crisis: I spent every session sobbing; I started going twice a week, and I eventually went onto anti-anxiety medication. The anxiety medication helped *a lot.* With its assistance, and the assistance of my therapist, an idea that had seemed too terrifying to contemplate (calling off my engagement, striking out on my own to pursue a risky career) slowly began to seem imaginable. Eventually, about two years after I started therapy, I did both things, and I have absolutely no doubt that they were the right decisions for me. If I hadn't been to my therapist, I think I probably would have been divorced within five years, and I'm not sure I would ever have made the leap to the career path I'm on.
I've heard people say that one of the things therapy does is that it can speed up change that was going to happen anyway, and I think that may be the case for me. I'd had lots of crushes on people other than my fiance during the time we were together, but before therapy, I was always able to repress them and tell myself they didn't signify any broader discontent; when I was in therapy with someone who pushed me, I had to look honestly at my life and ask myself hard questions. When I was in the midst of my crisis, I had myself absolutely convinced that I couldn't survive without my fiance, there was a point where my therapist said, very calmly, "I have no doubt you can take care of yourself." It was a small thing, but somehow having her reflecting me back to me as a capable, self-reliant person was the lifeline I needed to eventually come to believe it.
My sense is that, for the first few months, it might feel like you're not getting anywhere, or even feel vaguely uncomfortable, but if you haven't moved into more intense waters within six months, I'd switch therapists or take a break from therapy. That level of intensity, like you're touching on things really deep in you, rather than just chatting with a sympathetic friend - is what signifies a successful relationship with a therapist to me. For what felt like forever, I was hammering at away at the same question: "Should I stay or leave?" in a way that did feel repetitive and exhausting. In retrospect, though, for a long time I wasn't really asking the question: I was trying to force myself to answer it one way (stay) while slowly building up to face the truth - I needed to leave.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 2:53 PM on June 16, 2017
After a few months, I had a minor crisis (a crush on a person not my fiance) that ballooned into a larger sense of frustration and discontentment. As things heated up, my therapy sessions became more intense, and started to narrow in on the subject of my relationship, drawing in aspects of my relationships with my parents. Eventually, this exploded into a full grown crisis: I spent every session sobbing; I started going twice a week, and I eventually went onto anti-anxiety medication. The anxiety medication helped *a lot.* With its assistance, and the assistance of my therapist, an idea that had seemed too terrifying to contemplate (calling off my engagement, striking out on my own to pursue a risky career) slowly began to seem imaginable. Eventually, about two years after I started therapy, I did both things, and I have absolutely no doubt that they were the right decisions for me. If I hadn't been to my therapist, I think I probably would have been divorced within five years, and I'm not sure I would ever have made the leap to the career path I'm on.
I've heard people say that one of the things therapy does is that it can speed up change that was going to happen anyway, and I think that may be the case for me. I'd had lots of crushes on people other than my fiance during the time we were together, but before therapy, I was always able to repress them and tell myself they didn't signify any broader discontent; when I was in therapy with someone who pushed me, I had to look honestly at my life and ask myself hard questions. When I was in the midst of my crisis, I had myself absolutely convinced that I couldn't survive without my fiance, there was a point where my therapist said, very calmly, "I have no doubt you can take care of yourself." It was a small thing, but somehow having her reflecting me back to me as a capable, self-reliant person was the lifeline I needed to eventually come to believe it.
My sense is that, for the first few months, it might feel like you're not getting anywhere, or even feel vaguely uncomfortable, but if you haven't moved into more intense waters within six months, I'd switch therapists or take a break from therapy. That level of intensity, like you're touching on things really deep in you, rather than just chatting with a sympathetic friend - is what signifies a successful relationship with a therapist to me. For what felt like forever, I was hammering at away at the same question: "Should I stay or leave?" in a way that did feel repetitive and exhausting. In retrospect, though, for a long time I wasn't really asking the question: I was trying to force myself to answer it one way (stay) while slowly building up to face the truth - I needed to leave.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 2:53 PM on June 16, 2017
The things that helped me in therapy were basically having someone make me realize that I was in pain and hadn't taken the chance to mourn something that happened when I was a child. After I let myself do that, I felt a lot more in tune with my emotions, and had an easier time of giving myself self-compassion. Basically giving yourself a bit of permission to feel sad and to mourn.
But after that I found the therapy became less helpful, as it felt as if my therapist got bored of my social anxiety and wanted to talk about other topics. One thing that felt like a red flag was that at times it seemed like she was expecting some emotional support from me, and I felt a bit betrayed by that.
A few other red flags I encountered:
-- Telling me I should stop talking to my mother (Seemed like she wanted me to attach to her in a daughter- like way - eugh)
-- Revealing personal details about her life that made me feel like she had an agenda for wanting to work with me
-- When I talked about upssetting emotions, she seemed to be upset by them.
-- She let me talk on and on without saying anythng besides cryptic little sayings that didn't mean anything
-- I had to call her 4 times just to get a receipt!
posted by winterportage at 3:14 PM on June 16, 2017
But after that I found the therapy became less helpful, as it felt as if my therapist got bored of my social anxiety and wanted to talk about other topics. One thing that felt like a red flag was that at times it seemed like she was expecting some emotional support from me, and I felt a bit betrayed by that.
A few other red flags I encountered:
-- Telling me I should stop talking to my mother (Seemed like she wanted me to attach to her in a daughter- like way - eugh)
-- Revealing personal details about her life that made me feel like she had an agenda for wanting to work with me
-- When I talked about upssetting emotions, she seemed to be upset by them.
-- She let me talk on and on without saying anythng besides cryptic little sayings that didn't mean anything
-- I had to call her 4 times just to get a receipt!
posted by winterportage at 3:14 PM on June 16, 2017
My first therapist, when I was a teenager, told me I can't "have problems because (I'm) a middle class white girl from the suburbs." That one sentence delayed my mental health treatment for a decade.
I have a regular therapist, and one I've seen from the three or four time I've done a partial hospital program. My PHP therapist is the best ever, and I wish she could be my forever therapist. She asks the hard questions, doesn't let me off the hook when I subconsciously try to deflect, and really challenges me to look inside myself. My regular therapist, although I like her, is more of a cheerleader type. She encourages me to look at what I can do/have done rather my tendency to look at what I can't do/haven't done. Our sessions have improved a lot since the PHP because I did a lot of the really intense work there, so I think of our sessions as mental health maintenance.
Neither of them took notes, although both my regular psychiatrist and my PHP psychiatrist did during our sessions.
I've been seeing my regular therapist and psychiatrist for just over a year now, and my most recent sessions with both were the first ones where I didn't cry the whole time. That doesn't mean I'm "over it," but it does show that therapy is working.
posted by Ruki at 3:46 PM on June 16, 2017
I have a regular therapist, and one I've seen from the three or four time I've done a partial hospital program. My PHP therapist is the best ever, and I wish she could be my forever therapist. She asks the hard questions, doesn't let me off the hook when I subconsciously try to deflect, and really challenges me to look inside myself. My regular therapist, although I like her, is more of a cheerleader type. She encourages me to look at what I can do/have done rather my tendency to look at what I can't do/haven't done. Our sessions have improved a lot since the PHP because I did a lot of the really intense work there, so I think of our sessions as mental health maintenance.
Neither of them took notes, although both my regular psychiatrist and my PHP psychiatrist did during our sessions.
I've been seeing my regular therapist and psychiatrist for just over a year now, and my most recent sessions with both were the first ones where I didn't cry the whole time. That doesn't mean I'm "over it," but it does show that therapy is working.
posted by Ruki at 3:46 PM on June 16, 2017
I've had not-great therapists (one of the ones I saw as a teenager apparently went to the same school as Ruki's therapist, because she looked at my purple hair and said "well, you obviously can't be that depressed!") and a good one. I wound up spending about seven years doing weekly sessions with the good one and consider it time well spent, even though I did eventually stop seeing her.
It took at least six months, maybe longer, before I felt comfortable during sessions. She was aware of this, and at one point said something about how she perceived that I seemed to be less anxious because I no longer felt the need to keep talking to fill the silence, and was instead okay with letting things sometimes be quiet.
Overall it was a valuable experience. If I were asked what the one thing she did that I found most helpful was, I'd probably say that she asked questions that hadn't even occurred to me, and I found that both thinking about the question and thinking about why I hadn't thought to ask the question were useful.
Eventually I stopped seeing her because my Zen practice had reached a place where it felt like the two things were working at cross purposes. (To misquote from memory, therapy is about helping the self be happy and fulfilled; Zen is about realizing that there is no self.) I'm glad I saw her for the time I did, even if it's not what's helpful to me now.
posted by Lexica at 4:55 PM on June 16, 2017
It took at least six months, maybe longer, before I felt comfortable during sessions. She was aware of this, and at one point said something about how she perceived that I seemed to be less anxious because I no longer felt the need to keep talking to fill the silence, and was instead okay with letting things sometimes be quiet.
Overall it was a valuable experience. If I were asked what the one thing she did that I found most helpful was, I'd probably say that she asked questions that hadn't even occurred to me, and I found that both thinking about the question and thinking about why I hadn't thought to ask the question were useful.
Eventually I stopped seeing her because my Zen practice had reached a place where it felt like the two things were working at cross purposes. (To misquote from memory, therapy is about helping the self be happy and fulfilled; Zen is about realizing that there is no self.) I'm glad I saw her for the time I did, even if it's not what's helpful to me now.
posted by Lexica at 4:55 PM on June 16, 2017
In the past, I went therapist shopping and picked the one who I thought best suited my needs. With my current one, I hit it off with her right away. I had some requirements that I wanted (female, slightly older, trauma specialist) and Dr. D fits the bill perfectly.
I took a long time to trust her. My trust issues are deep and complex. When I found myself answering honestly rather than talking around the topic is when I realized therapy was working.
My issues are mainly PTSD and depression. I spent a long time talking about the abuse. I did that partially because she needed to know my story. I did it partially because I needed to build that trust with her.
I don't think I've gotten over my issues. Medically, my depression has been hard to manage, especially now that I have med interactions in the mix. What has gotten better is my willingness to talk about my issues. This past week, I went over a memory that has been bothering me for at least 6 blog posts over the last 9 years. I had never told anyone about it. Again, trust.
Over-analyzing. I'm not sure that's been a problem for me with my current therapist. She does push me to talk about things that I'm definitely not comfortable with. When she does, she waits calmly for me to talk. If I'm really struggling, she knows what to ask to help me get unstuck.
As far as confronting an abuser, she had never had anything to say one way or another. She used to push for me to tell my brothers. I was very resistant the first time it came up. She let it drop for a long time. Recently it came up again and I was in a very different head-space. Progress.
Dr. D does take notes. I know how intense the session was based on the amount of notes she takes. She's the only therapist that I've went to that does take notes. She also seems to remember everything.
Long story short, my current therapist is the best thing to ever happen to me. She pushes when I need her to push and backs off when I need that. I have no qualms about continuing t work with her.
posted by kathrynm at 9:01 AM on June 17, 2017
I took a long time to trust her. My trust issues are deep and complex. When I found myself answering honestly rather than talking around the topic is when I realized therapy was working.
My issues are mainly PTSD and depression. I spent a long time talking about the abuse. I did that partially because she needed to know my story. I did it partially because I needed to build that trust with her.
I don't think I've gotten over my issues. Medically, my depression has been hard to manage, especially now that I have med interactions in the mix. What has gotten better is my willingness to talk about my issues. This past week, I went over a memory that has been bothering me for at least 6 blog posts over the last 9 years. I had never told anyone about it. Again, trust.
Over-analyzing. I'm not sure that's been a problem for me with my current therapist. She does push me to talk about things that I'm definitely not comfortable with. When she does, she waits calmly for me to talk. If I'm really struggling, she knows what to ask to help me get unstuck.
As far as confronting an abuser, she had never had anything to say one way or another. She used to push for me to tell my brothers. I was very resistant the first time it came up. She let it drop for a long time. Recently it came up again and I was in a very different head-space. Progress.
Dr. D does take notes. I know how intense the session was based on the amount of notes she takes. She's the only therapist that I've went to that does take notes. She also seems to remember everything.
Long story short, my current therapist is the best thing to ever happen to me. She pushes when I need her to push and backs off when I need that. I have no qualms about continuing t work with her.
posted by kathrynm at 9:01 AM on June 17, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
Finding the right therapist both times involved a fair amount of comparison shopping until I found someone I liked. It was not really hard to tell the difference between "therapist I liked" and "therapist I didn't"; therapists I didn't like included the one who tried to tell me that I had shown up late for my appointment with her because of avoidance issues ("I have ADHD," I said, and she smiled mysteriously and said, "We can talk about that") and the one who asked me if being gay caused all my problems. Other therapists just didn't work for me for pure style mismatch reasons and that was fine, it's ok to look for someone else if you don't like the way they work, but "easy to talk to" is paramount in my opinion.
I don't know that I ever knew the therapeutic Process was working-- I haven't had one of those bolt from the blue moments-- what having a therapist has done for me is to have an emergency contact, basically. Struggling with mental illness (4 me) means never knowing when something is urgent and a disaster and life-ruining, and when it's nbd and I can get over it. These are the things I take to my therapists, and they help me sort through it, and I come away feeling better prepared to face whatever it is.
Most therapists in my experience do not take notes; all therapists will give advice you don't agree with, especially as one option among many. If she keeps telling you to do things that you think are Big Red Scary Flags, especially if she pushes you to do them, that's when it's a warning sign.
posted by peppercorn at 1:12 PM on June 16, 2017