Pot plant problems
June 15, 2017 10:28 AM Subscribe
I'm involved in a lowkey dispute betweene me, my husband, my sister and he boyfriend. It involves my husband growing pot plants in the backyard.
We live in Maine. Its legal to have 6 grown plants. My sister lives with my husband and I and she doesn't pay rent but she is a good housemate and we all get along. Her boyfriend os a Caregiver and gave my husband 6 of his plants. He doesnt live with us.
I told my husband from the beginning that I wanted the plants fenced in. To him this meant rearranging the lobster traps in our yard so they form 2 side fences. The pot plants arrived yesterday and they are in out backyard. We live in a neighborhood and I am very uncomfortable having pot plants out in the open. They are not visible from the road (because of traps) but anyone could wander back there. I know that it is legal.
My sisters boyfriend has also told him that he prefers them fenced in. They arrived yesterday and once I realized how big they were I became very convinced yhat I want them fenced in. My husband was upset because I "should have said that" at the beginning.
My sister also said she was uncomfortable and I told him that. Now I'm dealing woth that fallout because shes mad that I told him and he feels ganged up on.
My husband just texted me and said that the plants were gone, he asked sisterd boyfriend to take them away. I'm relieved but also so guilty because hes frugal and spent lots of $ on soil and built raised beds etc etc. I just wish he would fence them in. Now he's so mad and he says he can't fence them in because I will change my mind later and its too expensive. What do I say to my husband?
We live in Maine. Its legal to have 6 grown plants. My sister lives with my husband and I and she doesn't pay rent but she is a good housemate and we all get along. Her boyfriend os a Caregiver and gave my husband 6 of his plants. He doesnt live with us.
I told my husband from the beginning that I wanted the plants fenced in. To him this meant rearranging the lobster traps in our yard so they form 2 side fences. The pot plants arrived yesterday and they are in out backyard. We live in a neighborhood and I am very uncomfortable having pot plants out in the open. They are not visible from the road (because of traps) but anyone could wander back there. I know that it is legal.
My sisters boyfriend has also told him that he prefers them fenced in. They arrived yesterday and once I realized how big they were I became very convinced yhat I want them fenced in. My husband was upset because I "should have said that" at the beginning.
My sister also said she was uncomfortable and I told him that. Now I'm dealing woth that fallout because shes mad that I told him and he feels ganged up on.
My husband just texted me and said that the plants were gone, he asked sisterd boyfriend to take them away. I'm relieved but also so guilty because hes frugal and spent lots of $ on soil and built raised beds etc etc. I just wish he would fence them in. Now he's so mad and he says he can't fence them in because I will change my mind later and its too expensive. What do I say to my husband?
My instinct would be to say "grow up" to him. There are ways grown adults can make these differing opinions work. But telling him "grow up" isn't helpful, useful or skillful.
He isn't being ganged upon, that's ridiculous. You're allowed to have an opinion (and your sister is allowed to have an opinion) regarding how the garden is designed and maintained. To me, it sounds like your husband is the "take my toys and go home" kind of guy in that if he doesn't get his way, he doesn't seem to want to compromise or come up with solutions. So he can be mad and feel bullied and put upon, but that's because he's choosing to punish and rail at everyone instead of looking for a solution.
If it's the $$ that is really the problem (and not your husband's immature angry tantrum) then propose an alternative for the garden space that both of you can enjoy. Grow something special and less contentious.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 10:40 AM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
He isn't being ganged upon, that's ridiculous. You're allowed to have an opinion (and your sister is allowed to have an opinion) regarding how the garden is designed and maintained. To me, it sounds like your husband is the "take my toys and go home" kind of guy in that if he doesn't get his way, he doesn't seem to want to compromise or come up with solutions. So he can be mad and feel bullied and put upon, but that's because he's choosing to punish and rail at everyone instead of looking for a solution.
If it's the $$ that is really the problem (and not your husband's immature angry tantrum) then propose an alternative for the garden space that both of you can enjoy. Grow something special and less contentious.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 10:40 AM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]
> What do I say to my husband?
Nothing? Let him sulk. He could've added a fence for not much more, but instead chose to dramatically not have them at all.
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:41 AM on June 15, 2017 [19 favorites]
Nothing? Let him sulk. He could've added a fence for not much more, but instead chose to dramatically not have them at all.
posted by The corpse in the library at 10:41 AM on June 15, 2017 [19 favorites]
Your husband is sulking with the classic "take my toys and go home" maneuver. Can't everyone just take a few days to chill before revisiting the issue? Then everyone can apologize for not being clear up front (whether that's true or not) and you can lay out your needs again. I mean, he's already invested a lot, so doing a little more shouldn't be that horrible, should it?
posted by praemunire at 10:41 AM on June 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 10:41 AM on June 15, 2017 [5 favorites]
Your husband sounds like he's being kind of ridiculous here. You made a reasonable request, presumably because you don't want blowback from neighbors or teens and randos wandering through your yard stealing the plants and knocking over piles of lobster traps. A lot of states require that you fence in your pot plants, and it's just good sense in any kind of town/close-neighbor-having kind of place.
His response to your reasonable request was to behave childishly and self-destructively. Not great! It would be perfectly fair to just let him sulk and NOT feel bad about it.
Given that he is your husband and you presumably love him and have to live with him and want him to feel better, you might want to work with him to come up with a fence solution that works for both of you. Like, go to Home Depot or whatever and say, "If we put this up, or this plus motion detectors, that's what I was thinking of when I said fenced-in. Looks like we could do this for $X and one Saturday of work. What do you think?"
posted by mskyle at 10:42 AM on June 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
His response to your reasonable request was to behave childishly and self-destructively. Not great! It would be perfectly fair to just let him sulk and NOT feel bad about it.
Given that he is your husband and you presumably love him and have to live with him and want him to feel better, you might want to work with him to come up with a fence solution that works for both of you. Like, go to Home Depot or whatever and say, "If we put this up, or this plus motion detectors, that's what I was thinking of when I said fenced-in. Looks like we could do this for $X and one Saturday of work. What do you think?"
posted by mskyle at 10:42 AM on June 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
Wait. He doesn't think it's unreasonable to fence them in, he's just upset that it turned out that fencing them in ended up being... more or extra or different work than originally planned? He didn't argue about fencing them in to begin with and they aren't visible from the road, only if someone wanders back there? This seems likes it's about something other than a fence for six mostly-blocked pot plants.
posted by Room 641-A at 10:59 AM on June 15, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Room 641-A at 10:59 AM on June 15, 2017 [7 favorites]
I get that this seems like a "take my toys and go home" thing, but it also can be viewed as a "this seemingly minor thing was causing lots of stress and hassle, so I'd rather cancel it than keep having to worry about it." That's how I'd defend it if it were me, and that's definitely the sort of thing I would do in that situation.
Unless you desperately want these pot plants back, and it doesn't sound like you do, I would just drop the subject and see if it comes up again.
posted by Slinga at 11:00 AM on June 15, 2017 [14 favorites]
Unless you desperately want these pot plants back, and it doesn't sound like you do, I would just drop the subject and see if it comes up again.
posted by Slinga at 11:00 AM on June 15, 2017 [14 favorites]
I have no idea the status of this in Maine, but in Oregon and Washington (and I thiiiiink Colorado) you have to fence your plants in from public view at least. You might want to even check your local regs to see how you're supposed to be doing to keep it up to code.
If you have more than a single plant, and if you don't fence them in completely, expect them to get stolen. This is such a problem that our local weekly even posted a guide to making a plant-alarm.
posted by furnace.heart at 11:10 AM on June 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
If you have more than a single plant, and if you don't fence them in completely, expect them to get stolen. This is such a problem that our local weekly even posted a guide to making a plant-alarm.
posted by furnace.heart at 11:10 AM on June 15, 2017 [3 favorites]
I've been your husband in this situation, and I can't favourite Slinga's comment enough. Not a pout- a solution. (There's also more than one argument going on here.)
There's no way to ask to have the plants back again, that's a non-starter. I'd just drop it, and think about revisiting the topic next year.
posted by whowearsthepants at 11:53 AM on June 15, 2017
There's no way to ask to have the plants back again, that's a non-starter. I'd just drop it, and think about revisiting the topic next year.
posted by whowearsthepants at 11:53 AM on June 15, 2017
There doesn't sound like any miscommunication here at all. You told him before they arrived that you wanted them fenced in. The previous owner told your husband he wanted them fenced in (almost sounds like a condition of him giving them to you) and your room mate also has said that. Given that the presence of these plants make you a more attractive target for a break in, everyone who could be affected by this made their wishes clear and your husband chose to pretend that he didn't hear. When you put your foot down, he threw a tantrum.
What do you say to your husband? Nothing for now. When he wants to do it again later, I would be thinking to myself that he's not really mature enough to be managing an addictive substance.
posted by Jubey at 12:08 PM on June 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
What do you say to your husband? Nothing for now. When he wants to do it again later, I would be thinking to myself that he's not really mature enough to be managing an addictive substance.
posted by Jubey at 12:08 PM on June 15, 2017 [4 favorites]
I would just drop it. It's already been solved. The plants are gone and everyone is still frustrated, so it's not going to work out to anyone's satisfaction if you press it.
One or more of you is really arguing about something else anyway, so the plant issue is too loaded. Does your husband frequently feel ganged up on? Do you feel like a go-between for your sister and husband?
Lobsta traps and legal pot....this is Mainest question ever.
posted by kapers at 12:37 PM on June 15, 2017 [10 favorites]
One or more of you is really arguing about something else anyway, so the plant issue is too loaded. Does your husband frequently feel ganged up on? Do you feel like a go-between for your sister and husband?
Lobsta traps and legal pot....this is Mainest question ever.
posted by kapers at 12:37 PM on June 15, 2017 [10 favorites]
Just a casual note that, whatever kind of fencing you put up, outdoor pot plants will almost certainly grow over the top of them. Where I live in California, the statute also has a section that says, if you grow them outside they need to be in a locked yard or enclosure that's not easily visible from public places like sidewalks. The net result is that there aren't many outdoor plants in peoples' yards. Our neighbor grew a couple out of curiosity not long ago and they very quickly got up to like 10 feet tall. No one was complaining--they were beautiful, sturdy plants--but all it would've taken was a single complaint to have a citation on his hands (or at the very least a removal order).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:49 PM on June 15, 2017
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:49 PM on June 15, 2017
Best answer: Yes, growing pot plants outdoors in Maine is legal, but they cannot be visible, and you have to ensure that anyone under 21 can't get access to them. Having those plants there without a fence would be a mistake. Kids can and do meander places they aren't supposed to be, and of course some of them will show up intentionally for the free pot if they find out about it. You don't just need a tall fence, you need a sturdy lock.
posted by instead of three wishes at 2:36 PM on June 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by instead of three wishes at 2:36 PM on June 15, 2017 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: My husband and I talked and he said that he wants us to feel safe so he took the plants away. We are both VERY assertive which generally works but I don't think he wants to admit that I am right. He is a ding dong but his heart is in the right place. I think my guilt was misplaced, He mentioned a greenhouse as an alternative but for now they are back at the warehouse. Thanks for the answers everyone.
posted by pintapicasso at 4:24 PM on June 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by pintapicasso at 4:24 PM on June 15, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't know anything about pot plants, but I am a gardener who lives in a forested area, and every crop I plant has to be fenced or it will be browsed down to a stem within a week or two by the marauding deer and woodchucks and skunks and whatnot. If you have a plant of any significant value I think fencing it is only common sense, legalities of the issue aside.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:55 PM on June 16, 2017
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:55 PM on June 16, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
You probably need to set some boundaries with your sister and your husband. Don't know what they should be, but clearly she believes you should keep stuff with her private (and you may not) and your husband feels "ganged up on" when the two of you agree on stuff and disagree with him which is going to happen.
I wouldn't get into the guilt game here, it seems like everyone's buttons were pushed because of the situation (husband thought he was doing a good thing but then it became bad despite his "best" intentions, too many cooks). Husband is still unilaterally being sort of reactive about this and you can make a choice about whether that's a thing that the two of you can work out. Otherwise him removing the plants seems to have solved the problem no?
My SO can do this sometime,s he'll make a blunder of some kind and it will hurt my feelings and I'll be like "hey that hurt my feelings" and me feeling bad makes him feel bad but instead of addressing my feelings he addresses the THING and can get very odd like "OK I will never mention that thing again!!" and expects me to ... feel better? Whereas if he was like "aww you feel bad because I said the thing I said I wouldn't say and it hurt your feelings" that would have been an acknowledgement that hey, we all make mistakes and we're on the same team.
So maybe being a little overeager "No look, I want the plants back and so do you, let's work out a way to do it" can help push the TEAM US perspective that your husband needs to snap back into.
posted by jessamyn at 10:40 AM on June 15, 2017 [14 favorites]