I identify as gay but should I try dating women?

June 15, 2017 9:27 AM

I'm a guy and I've always been attracted to men and have only slept with men. Occasionally I've had crushes on women but they never went further than a kiss. I've been single for a long time and haven't had luck with men beyond hooking up. Women flirt with me much more than men. Should I see if I might actually be bisexual? Or is experimenting inherently unfair?

I've had about a half dozen instances where I had a serious crush on a woman, but it wasn't really sexual in nature. Mostly I was attracted to their confidence, intelligence, and kindness. They were conventionally physically attractive, and I wanted to do things like run my fingers through their hair, but I didn't have explicitly sexual thoughts. In any case, the crushes were unrequited because I wasn't their type, but I have had emotionally intimate friendships with women that toed the line.

I very rarely watch straight porn, in large part because the women aren't realistic depictions and they often don't seem to be having fun. (Gay porn isn't realistic either but it doesn't have the same patriarchal effect.) However I'll occasionally see women in person or on social media that I'm physically attracted to. I have a definite physical reaction to certain body types. I've never flirted with any, at least not consciously (some have perceived it that way). Women often flirt with me, not knowing I'm gay until I say so (I'm "masculine" and I don't have any of the typical cultural signifiers).

I feel like women are generally better at communication and relationships. Of course many gay men do get married but it seems very hard to find someone who wants a long term monogamous relationship, and who doesn't want to have sex immediately (first or second date, I don't mean waiting until marriage). However I'm not sure that I would want to give up sex with men forever, so I'd have to find a woman who was okay with that... if I sound confused, it's because I am. I don't want to be unfair to a woman but I don't want to close this off if it is a possibility.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (14 answers total)

If you can find a woman who wants an open relationship and is okay with potentially rarely having sex with you. The key is that you need you be upfront about all of this from the start (like put it in your profile, or tell her by second date at the latest so no one's time is wasted). Even then, though, what are you going to do when you eventually meet and fall in love with a man? End things with her? Remain friends with her? Make sure she'd be okay with that outcome, too.
posted by blackzinfandel at 9:37 AM on June 15, 2017 [6 favorites]

If you are explicitly honest from the get-go that:
-you ID as gay and have never slept with a woman
-your attraction to women is not generally sexual in nature but you are curious
-you are not sure and this would have to be something of an experiment
-you expect you will still want to have sex with men

Then sure, you could find a woman who wants exactly this.

Women often "joke" that it would be easier to be in a long term relationship with a gay man and find sexual release on the side, so it's not unheard of. You just have to be more honest up front because generally if a man is trying to date us we assume he's straight or bi and really badly wants to sleep with us.

However, if this is more about "I can't find a long-term man so I give up" then that's kinda mean to the woman. (Straight women often say this about men, too-- "they all suck so might as well be with a woman" kinda thing. As a bi woman, hearing that gets old because I know they're not serious and I'm not a consolation prize.)
posted by kapers at 9:46 AM on June 15, 2017 [17 favorites]

I could have written this word for word. Except I am a woman and I experience frustrations with gay women, especially with the emotional intensity and wanted the stability and directness that men seem to have.

I've dated men recently and it's been an enjoyable learning experience!

Two big things
1. Don't worry about labels. You can date who you want as long as you are open and honest. If you want sex, do it (with consent). If not that's ok. Relationships and sexuality are complicated and fulfill different needs in us at different times. At end of day it's about the person. I know gay male couples where one truly only straight before and then found each other. They're an exception but I'm sure many people would advise against but life is short.
2. I have many gay male friends. And I know gay men who complain to me about the lack of monogamous relationships. The point is - I hear your frustrations and they're real but there ARE men out there who want the same thing. You just have to have patience and keep dating and cut your losses quickly when they're not what you want. Also think about how you meet them - gay clubs may not be the best place but maybe through a hobby group, a gay bike riding group or something through your interest.

As for me - I realized that I enjoyed dating men after only dating women for five years but I'm pretty gay. But it was nice to explore and be super honest about it.
posted by pando11 at 9:48 AM on June 15, 2017 [4 favorites]

This is (obviously) anecdotal but my girlfriend, a cis female lesbian dating me, also a cis female lesbian, dated men several times in her life because it is much easier to find straight men to date than lesbians. She said what tipped her off finally that she wasn't actually bisexual was that she always got bored with these relationships. She liked the guys at first and wasn't leading them on, but she didn't find them attractive enough, emotionally or physically, to sustain a real relationship with them. I suspect you're going to find it's the same for you if you try dating women, given that you've never fallen into a relationship with one by accident.

Truly, if I were you, I wouldn't bother. Lesbians (again anecdotally) usually regret dating straight women, and straight women regret dating gay men. I'd wait for my Prince Charming. He's out there somewhere.
posted by possibilityleft at 9:49 AM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]

It sounds to me as though there are two separate issues here.

1) You are curious about sex with a woman and would like to try it.
2) You are disillusioned with dating men and are fantasizing about an imaginary life in which you have a girlfriend or wife for emotional support, who doesn't mind you sleeping with men from time to time.

1 is perfectly fine and as long as you are upfront about your intentions, I don't see any problem with you trying sex with a woman.

2 is not fine. Also, it doesn't sound to me as though you think you are emotionally or romantically attracted to women (this matters!).
posted by Automocar at 9:54 AM on June 15, 2017 [7 favorites]

No. Exploring people in the world of sex is one thing, but I am hearing a lot of weird baggage around that exploration. Go get your head straight and then get your fuck on.
posted by nixon's meatloaf at 9:58 AM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]

I wanted to add that you should also be really clear about what's in it for her-- women are too often expected to selflessly sacrifice their own desires and needs for men. So expecting a woman to provide all that commitment and emotional labor if you don't truly and deeply reciprocate is just cruel.

I also wanted to add that only going off of this question, you sound like you'd really be forcing it which is not fun for either of you.

People do have all sorts of arrangements, though. I think what you are describing would be more of an arrangement than a relationship, so it would be unfair to advertise a relationship but offer an arrangement instead.
posted by kapers at 9:58 AM on June 15, 2017 [6 favorites]

Yeah, is dating a straight woman actually what you want? I am wildly attracted to watching gay sex, I watch more gay porn than straight porn, and have paticipated in threesomes with bi guys. However, at the end of the day, if I was dating a bi man, I would expect him to say, "yes, that was incredibly hot, but YOU are number one in my life, let's fuck."
posted by sockerpup at 10:02 AM on June 15, 2017

I'd just like to add that I am a gay man and have had the same exact thoughts that you are having. I've formed some pretty intense crushes on women, much more so emotional than physical. Kissing someone of either gender is pretty fun. Further than that? I don't know.

While I identify as gay, I'm definitely not 100%. I fall somewhere closer to the middle on the spectrum. I wouldn't consider myself bisexual. Homoflexible is the closest word to describe me, I think, but it's much easier just to say I'm gay. Other people understand it better, and it doesn't involve me getting into in depth explanations with people I don't want to.

You can identify however feels right to you.
posted by blackzinfandel at 10:02 AM on June 15, 2017 [1 favorite]

Maybe you should start by watching porn made for/by women. There's definitely a bunch out there, and if you still don't like it when there is no issue of the women not enjoying it/being exploited, then maybe you're just not that into them.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 11:42 AM on June 15, 2017 [1 favorite]

Cis lesbian here. Having trouble with men and same-sex dating isn't the same as being attracted to women, and no one wants to be your last resort because you couldn't get what you actually wanted.
posted by bile and syntax at 12:55 PM on June 15, 2017 [3 favorites]

There are no rules here. Experimenting does not consequentially harm any of the parties involved. Consent exists, casual sex exists, curiosity exists.

There's also the question of ability here, which is something you may not know about yourself without experimenting. I'm a gay man married to a gay man. I'm a Kinsey 6 and have never felt a drive or desire to explore sexual contact with a woman. My husband is a Kinsey 4.5 or 5, but was married to and having sex with a woman for 20 years before I met him. Despite our differences in measurement, we both self-define as gay according to how we read our inherent impulses and desires. So we're both gay, but we have different levels of ability to have sex with women. At the end of the day, he can get an erection and orgasm during sex with a woman. I cannot. So curiosity be damned, I couldn't do more with a woman than sensual foreplay. To contrast, my husband had three kids by his former wife. Exploration is a way to find out how your abilities match up with your interests. So play away!
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:58 PM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]

I've had about a half dozen instances where I had a serious crush on a woman, but it wasn't really sexual in nature. Mostly I was attracted to their confidence, intelligence, and kindness.

Yeah, I get these too. in my case it's because I'm a straight woman. Dating women to whom you aren't sexually attracted is not the most direct route to finding a best friendship, which is what you sound like you would be offering.

Women often flirt with me, not knowing I'm gay until I say so

if they knew you were gay, they would do it even more, and I really wouldn't take it as a sure thing that all of them don't know. gay men flirting with straight women is popular on both sides because there are no stakes and no tension other than the conversational, but especially because there's no risk, no threat: it's all form, no content. but if you start flirting back with intent, there will be some risk from their perspective, and it may reduce the ease you perceive now.

anyway, I am only one woman, but I might consider forming a platonic life partnership with a friend who loved me but was not interested in sleeping with me. It's not a bizarre thing to idealize. only thing is, if I did that, I would want it to be with a woman, for the same reasons you have. Women who are on the same page as you re: women being better at relationships, and are willing to have sex outside the partnership or not at all...you can find them, but convincing them to pick you instead of each other will be the difficulty.

but if you actually fell in love with a woman and were attracted to her, there'd be no reason not to pursue it just because it wasn't your usual. but you don't make that sound very likely.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:09 PM on June 15, 2017 [2 favorites]

It's fine to be bi-curious at either end of the spectrum -- but it sounds more like you're kind of talking yourself into bi-curiousness because of a certain disillusionment with gay dating. You're not wrong that gay culture tends to celebrate non-monogamy, but ironically, the species of disillusionment you're expressing is one that I hear a lot from other gay men, which means there's actually a lot of guys like you out there and you're just having trouble finding each other.

Back in the day there was a site called "Lovetastic" that would have been right up your alley, but I think OKCupid engulfed it at some point. But on OKCupid you can at least fill out all the questionnaires about monogamy and relationship expectations and filter based on that.

Finally, this part may be a little presumptuous, so ignore it if it doesn't fit... but it struck me that you'd be okay with a non-monogamous relationship with a woman, just not with a man. It also struck me that you mention masculinity, monogamy, marriage, and now even possibly dating women as parts of your identity or desire, and those are all the mirror images of gay stereotypes (or in the case of dating women, literally the mirror image of being gay). I'm absolutely not saying that you have some kind of false-consciousness and don't really want the things you want. There are plenty of gay men who want monogamy out there. But I think it might be worth digging into this a little with a therapist, because to me, based on my own experience, it possibly suggests a degree of discomfort with your own gay identity and with the gay community that may be counterproductive. In other words, it could be causing you to avoid the gay community (which is more than the bar/club scene) instead of engaging with it, meaning you have less chances to find and date someone you're actually compatible with.

Good luck out there anon friend.
posted by en forme de poire at 3:36 AM on June 16, 2017 [3 favorites]