How to stop feeling guilty about estranging myself from my mom

June 14, 2017 4:11 PM

Throughout my childhood, my mom was diligent in taking care of my physical needs (food, shelter) and intellectual development, but has been deaf to emotional needs. It's always been a one-way street of me comforting her, and her unloading problems and anxiety onto me. In her old age, my mother has also developed paranoia, which she refuses to treat. I estranged myself from her a few years ago, and many relatives have told me that it makes her sad. I feel persistent feelings of guilt about it. How do I stop feeling guilty?

First let me say that i've had years of therapy, and I'm still in therapy now, since I know that's going to come up.

My mom went to great lengths to make sure that I was well-fed and well-educated. She worked multiple tough jobs at a time, to earn money. Even after coming home tired from working the jobs, she would cook and clean. She lived an incredibly frugal life for many years (no restaurants, no movies, only thrift-store clothes), so that she could pay for music lessons for me and send me to college.

But she has also been deaf to my emotional needs. Since I was in fifth grade, she spent hours every week telling me about her troubles, as though I were a therapist. She talked about her marital problems, work frustrations, and life dissatisfaction. Even when I asked her to stop, or I started crying, she would still keep talking. After 6 years of this, I actually started to have dark (borderline self-harm) thoughts whenever she spent 1-2 hours dumping issues on me. When I told her this, she expressed shock and told me not to let it affect me like that, and then continued unabated to dump problems on me.

My dad is verbally abusive, and will scream at each person in our family that we're stupid, going to have a horrible failed life, etc. My mother never tried to protect me. She'd instead want me to comfort her. She said repeatedly that she was only staying in the marriage to prevent her kids from having divorced parents, and that it was a big sacrifice that I should be grateful for. I asked her to please divorce, but she refused. It never seemed to occur to her that being verbally abused was bad for her children.

As I grew up, she kept the same pattern of unloading emotional baggage onto me. It took me 15 years of refusing, standing up and walking out of the room, leaving the house, etc before she started to obey limits around not treating me like a therapist. I've offered to pay for her to get a real therapist, but she refuses because she's dismissive of therapy. Whenever i needed emotional support, she's no help. When I told her about problems that I faced, she reacted with heightened anxiety, so I ended up comforting her about her anxiety over my problem.

Her lack of empathy extends to many situations. If she wants to be loud in a church, she can't understand why others would want to be quiet. If she likes to eat shellfish, she can't understand why others wouldn't. Even if someone has told her for 20 or 30 years to be quiet in church or that they dislike shellfish, she'll still be loud in church because she herself doesn't mind loudness, and she'll still express shock that anyone would dislike shellfish when it's so delicious. When I'm around her, I feel "not seen" and invalidated. Having to repeat my preferences for my entire life and still having them ignored and forgotten makes me feel un-valued.

In her old age, she's developed conspiracy theories, and has become very paranoid. She's become mostly a shut-in. She has delusions. She refuses to see a doctor, because the doctors might be part of the conspiracy.

I've estranged myself from both my parents years ago. I feel good about not talking to my dad. I know that it's his choice whether to be verbally abusive. Since he chooses to continue to be verbally abusive, I don't talk to him, and I feel very good about my decision.

But I feel self-doubt and guilt about my mom. I can't shake this feeling that it's not her choice, and that she has a developmental condition that makes her not able to feel empathy. People shouldn't be "punished" for their developmental disabilities, right? When I have a physical need, like if I want to eat a particular food, she'll go to many hours of effort to get the ingredients and cook it. If I wanted to take a class, she would cut her own expenses for weeks / months to save up money to send me to the class. So she's not a selfish person, and in fact has gone to great lengths for me. I worry that estranging myself for her emotional-deafness is like refusing to talk to a physically-deaf parent because they can't hear sound.

I know that any relationship with her would be unfulfilling for me, and exhausting. I prefer to stay estranged, but I'd like to stop feeling so guilty. I'm already in therapy. Can you share your personal experience or your worldview (besides "go to therapy"), to help me with these feelings of guilt?

posted by vienna to Human Relations (12 answers total)

People shouldn't be "punished" for their developmental disabilities, right?


Are you punishing her? It doesn't sound to me like you are.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 4:26 PM on June 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

People shouldn't be "punished" for their developmental disabilities, right?

Right! But what if people with developmental disabilities feel like they are being punished when in fact they are dealing with the consequences of their actions?

I remember some of your previous questions. I have a not-dissimilar mom right down to the "She is telling other people that me not being around is making her sad" stuff. I have done a lot of trial and error to try to figure out how much interaction with her is too much. The way we mostly do things now

- I email her every day, just chatty "this is what is up, thinking of you" stuff. If she emails me back with drama I ignore it. She rarely does.
- I call her once a year on her birthday, this almost always goes badly (with a lot of that dumping stuff you refer to and no cluefulness on her part that it's inappropriate at that level)
- I stop by and see her when I am in the area usually with not a lot of lead time (she gets anxious and weird if we try to make a plan most of the time)

This is a lot of contact relative to the other people in my life with a few exceptions. And if it's not what she wants she can either work with me on it or just do her own thing, that is her choice.

My partner has a son with a mental illness. He's an adult but just barely. We talk about this idea a lot. Is it fair to sanction the kid for what "the voices" tell him to do? Alternately is it fair to my partner to live his entire life in service to his son even when the son does stuff that is detrimental or (rarely) harmful to my partner or to himself? And what has helped was NAMI, an organization which works with people who are close to those with mental illnesses. They have support groups and if you really think your mom may have a disability that is mental health related, you might want to see if you can find one.

Part of being gaslit by family members is that you are supposed to have this doubt, it's a normal part of the process. Therapy will help but some of it is just realizing that guilt isn't a very useful feeling. Have more of a relationship with your mom, or adjust it. See how you feel. See if that feeling is better/worse than the guilt. Assess. Adjust.
posted by jessamyn at 4:41 PM on June 14, 2017 [15 favorites]

Best answer: It's not punishing someone to keep yourself safe from them, when many years' experience teaches you that they will hurt you. Even if they don't intend to. Only you can decide whether that's necessary. It's not "wrong" for you to stay estranged, nor would be it "wrong" if you changed your mind.

I don't think it's correct to characterize her as simply "emotionally deaf," either. She didn't just fail to recognize your feelings; she used you as a child to manage and soothe her own in a way that wouldn't have been appropriate however you felt about it. That's a separate kind of abusiveness.
posted by praemunire at 4:44 PM on June 14, 2017 [5 favorites]

Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward was very helpful for me in reframing my rights and responsibilities to myself, and in learning to set boundaries and examine _whose_ guilt I was carrying around (it ended up not being mine). I found it a very difficult read and it took me a lot of time to get through, but it gave me the foundation to do enormous amounts of work toward healthy boundaries and my own personal safety.
posted by sutureselves at 4:45 PM on June 14, 2017 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I can't shake this feeling that it's not her choice, and that she has a developmental condition that makes her not able to feel empathy.

That's very possible, but the other possibility is that her behavior and personality was hurt and permanently harmed by marriage to a hateful abusive husband. Or both. but her choice to stay with him did not keep him from harming her mentally and doing really catastrophic damage to her ability to understand the needs of non-screamers. If she wasn't born this way, she might have adapted herself to be insensitive to many things and many people, because sensitivity would have overwhelmed her with guilt on your behalf.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for. but my personal bullshit psychological explanation for why you do is that you recognize both consciously and unconsciously that this is a family situation where guilt is called for. Your dad should have felt guilty, and your mom should have, and because they didn't, you do. because somebody's got to. you're feeling adult emotions on her behalf, because she doesn't know how.

you should stay away from her to the extent you need to. even if you believe adult children owe their parents a certain level of caretaking, you already did yours when you were a child. you have no debts. you prepaid and you overpaid.
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:16 PM on June 14, 2017 [25 favorites]

Best answer:

I can't shake this feeling that it's not her choice, and that she has a developmental condition that makes her not able to feel empathy. People shouldn't be "punished" for their developmental disabilities, right?

We tend to put a lot of value on the ideas of culpability and choice in determining how to treat someone who behaves in a hurtful or objectionable way. However, my own experience leads me to believe that this is only helpful up to a point. Your mom might well have a developmental condition or have experienced early and/or repeated trauma such that her ability to feel and express emotional empathy was permanently impaired. She may not have had positive examples in her own upbringing, and her culture or time/place of origin might be deeply suspicious of therapy and mental health treatment. It is absolutely possible that she is not actively choosing, in any meaningful sense of the word, to behave in a hurtful manner towards you.

However, recognizing that she is not acting with volition does not mean that you are then obligated to sacrifice your own health and wellness. You can feel compassion for your mother's situation and gratitude for the sacrifices and devotion she showed during your upbringing. You can recognize that she is simply unable, rather than unwilling, to provide meaningful emotional support. You are also entitled to define and enforce your own boundaries in a way that supports your emotional well-being. This does not mean you are punishing her. Would you allow someone who was dangerously physically aggressive for reasons beyond their control free access to your home and person? Probably not.

If it's important to you to maintain some kind of active relationship with your mother, maybe you can find ways to limit interaction in a way that works for you. Perhaps you confine visits to a few times a year or to a short duration. Perhaps you limit in-person visits and keep to communicating via phone or writing. Perhaps you connect with another family member, family friend, or service agency so that you have additional support in looking after your mother's health and material needs.

Taking care of yourself is not selfish and not something you need to feel guilty for.
posted by 4rtemis at 5:26 PM on June 14, 2017 [15 favorites]

Can you reframe your issue so that instead of talking about guilt, which is all about "should", you instead talk about need? You have needs (to feel heard, to feel validated, to feel safe). She has needs (for contact, for sympathy, possibly for understanding or support). You have to put on your own oxygen mask first. Without meeting your own needs, you're not going to be able to meet her needs for more than a short while, and if you try to, you're likely to further damage your relationship or your own mental health (making you LESS likely to be able to help her). On the other hand, while your mom has needs, you may not be the only person who can fulfill them. She's sad because she doesn't have contact with you: ok, that one is probably you-specific. But support, a listening ear, advice: that does NOT have to come from you alone, so you shouldn't feel guilty for not being the sole supplier for those needs. I think you had a great instinct to offer to help your mom get into therapy, but if she won't go, she won't go, and that STILL doesn't mean that now it's your job to be her therapist. Is there anyone local you can brainstorm with, to think of other options to start filling some of these needs? Like, maybe, a volunteer or clergy from her church could come sit with her every couple of weeks. Maybe a group therapy or AlAnon situation. Maybe some kind of helping position from the OTHER direction-- like, if she started fostering dogs or volunteering in a school. I'm not suggesting this because now it's your job to find the perfect solution for your mom-- that's not your job either. But if it feels emotionally comfortable for you, if you read this list and heave a sigh of relief that helps you let go of that undeserved guilt you're carrying around, maybe helping in this way would feel good rather than bad to you.
posted by instamatic at 5:36 PM on June 14, 2017

Best answer: She's in an abusive situation, and you surmise she has cognitive issues that prevent her from accessing help, keep her from helping herself.

I'm in a quasi-similar situation? Sorta? I wouldn't know if anyone needed help because it's been many many years and I have zero contact all around. But I think I can empathize with you on many levels.

I think if you wanted to put in a heroic effort to educate yourself and find professional and social supports for your mom, you could try that in hopes you can pry her out of that mess and into a better place. And if you don't have the resources to do this, like your dad is too toxic and re-involving yourself is too risky for you on every level, then you have to grieve and make peace with the way things are.

What has happened is not your fault. I have some deep ideas about societal traumas that created generation after generation of dysfunction. Then came Oprah (I'm only half kidding.) If we can do better with each other, ourselves, and with our children - this is enough. If all you can do is be a good friend, partner, neighbor, coworker, and citizen - this will be enough.

Heal yourself. We have that opportunity, we have to do for ourselves what they did not know to do. The pattern of dysfunction, untreated mental illness, and abuse can stop with you. Keep doing your self-work. That's enough.
posted by jbenben at 6:03 PM on June 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

You've extended your various olive branches and they've been burned. You of course are right to feel free from your abusive father. It is tough to feel both freed from but empathetic toward your mother, who has given you grief but has also suffered herself, from the same guy.

While it's good for you to heal yourself, I have a slightly contrasting perspective to offer. It is based on some experience with aging parents and mental illness and and abuse in the family, but not in your mix. So maybe I'm way off base, but here goes:

She will die. Maybe soon. And then you never can have any interactions, even if you want. I don't recommend spending any effort reconciling yourself with her at cost to yourself, but I do recommend reconciling yourself with the prior bolded facts. And even though you can never go back to reclaim a firm and solid loving parent/child relationship, my gut tells me that people seem to regret not reaching out more than offering support, especially when death of people close to us comes up. So maybe possibly you can assuage your self-perceived guilt by reaching out, one last time.

"Mom, I can't help you unless you want it. You need help, I see you suffering. Know that I am here to help when and if you seek it, but I cannot be close to you in this situation." -- that's rubbish but it's sentiment I mean: something I would consider saying before writing her off until her possible sad and lonely death, even if she wasn't a great mom overall, and had a weird thing about treating her child as a therapist.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:40 PM on June 14, 2017 [5 favorites]

Best answer: I grew up with an emotionally abusive, personality-disordered mother. I'm not here to armchair diagnose anyone, but parts of your story sound similar to mine, especially the part where our mothers were completely emotionally dependant on us. In my mom, that was codependency, and given your own mother's relationship with her husband I would guess that tendency is there for her too. My parent also used to problem-dump on me to the point that I grew up to have severe anxiety because I was always worried about her problems and stability as a kid.

You seem to think your mother has no choice in the matter but in fact she already told you she made choices — she chose to stay married to your dad because she didn't want her kids to be the product of divorce.

I've been no contact with my mom since March 2016 and I still get tinges of guilt. But not having panic attacks every time I see an email from her is 100000x better than the tiny twinges of guilt. I've also been to therapy and it was marginally helpful, but I found that reading the stories of other survivors of childhood emtional abuse to be much more cathartic, especially people who have figured out ways to make their own lives better.

Specifically, I'd like to recommend the website Out of the Fog to you. FOG in this case stands for fear, obligation and guilt. It doesn't matter if one or both of your parents has a personality disorder. I think you'll find the info there helpful anyway.
posted by Brittanie at 8:15 PM on June 14, 2017 [3 favorites]

Best answer: My short answer is that whenever I feel guilty about "punishing" my mother (and the rest of my biological family) by continuing to be estranged, I try to remember that I'm actually protecting myself from all of the things that a healthy, stable, loving family would have protected me from.
posted by sm1tten at 8:50 PM on June 14, 2017 [7 favorites]

I have been out of contact with my Mom, since January of 2015. Until then I did the best I could in having a relationship with her, on my own terms. I took care of her while she was in the depths of dementia, and Alzheimer's, and for the long lead up to her incarceration in an Alzheimer's unit. It was very difficult and there was no help. Oh, and the state would not surrender the house to me, because they wanted the proceeds of sale to cover medicaid bills. I did what I could, and what I should. She thanked me over and over again, for the help, telling me I was one in a million, no, one in a billion.

The thing I got out of it, was my freedom. She passed away, and I am free to claim the parts of her that I admire, that she passed on to me. I got great strength because of being her caretaker, and actually beyond a certain point, her mom for most of her adult life. Whatever karma is, whatever my debt to her was, is paid. It was a price it cost me a lot of a normal life. So, whatever you decide is your decision. If people are guilting you, warn them that you will cut them off if they don't stop. If they don't stop then cut them off. Have your life, you might get some affirmation from her if you step in, but her paranoia is probably that she is not loved. She had a chance at self love she could have taken by leaving your father. She didn't and made a codependent death spiral home, and you deserve out. Actually, you deserve out. Make sure her funeral arrangements are in place. Make sure there is a policy to cover what she wants, because others will guess, and expect you to pay, or pay part. Purchase for her an inexpensive cremation, and get an urn at TJ Maxx. You might have to go back to sign papers if you are the only living child.

The only way to escape the guilt part is to allow yourself to live fully. Soothe your inner child, and finish comforting, praising, and raising her. Enjoy what it is you enjoy, and the eternal, the sight of the sky, the wind coming up, the sound of water flowing. Find your joy and acknowledge what happened in the past when it comes up out of the blue, and remember you get to breathe, and understand it for your younger self, and let it go. It will take a while for it to all process through.
posted by Oyéah at 9:22 PM on June 14, 2017 [4 favorites]