request for language
June 13, 2017 4:48 PM Subscribe
I'd be very grateful for some specific examples of language I can use to clarify a guy's interest...details inside.
I've been seeing a guy (we are both 30+) I met randomly since February -- well, I say seeing but it's more like we meet each other for coffees, movies, dinners, or more usually we rendezvous at a local library where we both work sometimes, and where we met. (He asked for my number the first time we met, and did a lot of the early initiating, arranged a lot of our earliest "dates" (though I no longer understand what that means to him, see below)). We text pretty frequently. I like him but he's a bit mystifying, I can't read him at all. He's pretty INTJ if that means anything to you, smart but super super introverted, a bit socially awkward, doesn't like touching people or being touched (although he lets me hug him), no nonsense, very dry hidden humour (which I find hilarious), takes his work seriously, doesn't like to waste time. He's been working crazy hard to pass some major exams recently, but has still made time to see me in the way I describe, though in the leadup to the exams he more or less went off radar, only texting me a few times to see how I was, or update me on how his studies were going.
Then, literally the day after he finished his exams a couple of weeks ago, he came to visit me in my town (a different one to where he lives, which he hasn't done before), and spent the whole day with me just hanging out -- in my house, I showed him around my town, we had lunch, I made us dinner, we watched crappy trailers on YouTube, and made plans to see each other again. If I'm honest, I thought him coming all the way up to my town to see me after he got all the work out of the way could only mean one thing. But he didn't try to kiss me at all, we just hung out together and had a lovely time. I don't even know what a "date" is anymore. If we are dating, this must be our, like, 20th date, I've lost count. I thought ok, I guess he just wants to be friends, maybe that's OK. But he keeps making plans for us to do things just the two of us. Two days ago he asked if I wanted to go to a concert with him this Friday.
He has mentioned in conversation with me women that he has gone on "dates" with (his word). I have never really pushed further on this. He told me once, on our second "date", that there was only one time in his life that he's felt very vulnerable, which was when he asked a girl who already had a boyfriend to be his girlfriend. So he clearly has a concept of a girlfriend. And I know he's not been "seeing" anyone else, in the sense that he just wasn't "seeing" anybody in the last month leading up to those exams: except possibly me for tea every now and then. But I just don't get what he wants from me, and what I should be wanting from him.
So OK, wall of text over, I'm sort of sick of not knowing, and I sort of want to ask him, at this concert, whether we are, I don't know, dating or friending. But I don't know how to ask him or what even I'm asking him. I want to know if I'm hanging around with a friend or hanging around for a potential boyfriend. I'm super awkward with this sort of emotion-investigating stuff, and I get the sense he is too. I'd really love a script of some kind. What can I say to him, honestly but delicately, to figure out what's going on here? Would be very grateful for any thoughts.
I've been seeing a guy (we are both 30+) I met randomly since February -- well, I say seeing but it's more like we meet each other for coffees, movies, dinners, or more usually we rendezvous at a local library where we both work sometimes, and where we met. (He asked for my number the first time we met, and did a lot of the early initiating, arranged a lot of our earliest "dates" (though I no longer understand what that means to him, see below)). We text pretty frequently. I like him but he's a bit mystifying, I can't read him at all. He's pretty INTJ if that means anything to you, smart but super super introverted, a bit socially awkward, doesn't like touching people or being touched (although he lets me hug him), no nonsense, very dry hidden humour (which I find hilarious), takes his work seriously, doesn't like to waste time. He's been working crazy hard to pass some major exams recently, but has still made time to see me in the way I describe, though in the leadup to the exams he more or less went off radar, only texting me a few times to see how I was, or update me on how his studies were going.
Then, literally the day after he finished his exams a couple of weeks ago, he came to visit me in my town (a different one to where he lives, which he hasn't done before), and spent the whole day with me just hanging out -- in my house, I showed him around my town, we had lunch, I made us dinner, we watched crappy trailers on YouTube, and made plans to see each other again. If I'm honest, I thought him coming all the way up to my town to see me after he got all the work out of the way could only mean one thing. But he didn't try to kiss me at all, we just hung out together and had a lovely time. I don't even know what a "date" is anymore. If we are dating, this must be our, like, 20th date, I've lost count. I thought ok, I guess he just wants to be friends, maybe that's OK. But he keeps making plans for us to do things just the two of us. Two days ago he asked if I wanted to go to a concert with him this Friday.
He has mentioned in conversation with me women that he has gone on "dates" with (his word). I have never really pushed further on this. He told me once, on our second "date", that there was only one time in his life that he's felt very vulnerable, which was when he asked a girl who already had a boyfriend to be his girlfriend. So he clearly has a concept of a girlfriend. And I know he's not been "seeing" anyone else, in the sense that he just wasn't "seeing" anybody in the last month leading up to those exams: except possibly me for tea every now and then. But I just don't get what he wants from me, and what I should be wanting from him.
So OK, wall of text over, I'm sort of sick of not knowing, and I sort of want to ask him, at this concert, whether we are, I don't know, dating or friending. But I don't know how to ask him or what even I'm asking him. I want to know if I'm hanging around with a friend or hanging around for a potential boyfriend. I'm super awkward with this sort of emotion-investigating stuff, and I get the sense he is too. I'd really love a script of some kind. What can I say to him, honestly but delicately, to figure out what's going on here? Would be very grateful for any thoughts.
But I just don't get what he wants from me, and what I should be wanting from him.
Figure out the second part first, because until you do that, what do you care what he wants? Like: don't ask him to be your boyfriend until you know whether you're going to want friendship if he says No, but can we still be friends? And do you definitely want to sleep with him/go out with him or do you just feel tension all the time because there's mystery and ambiguity and you like him?
honestly but delicately,
this is literally impossible. best I think most people can manage is the old obviously fake hypothetical: So I was wondering, what would you say if I asked you out? then if he says "I would panic because we are just good friends" you say Oh it's a good thing I never thought of doing that. then you die of embarrassment later because that is a terrible line. just the worst. but the friendship is preservable. whereas if you make a physical move or forthrightly tell him you're physically attracted to him, it might not be.
but even if you use this very juvenile script, you do have to kind of lay your cards on the table first if you expect him to disclose his own feelings. it would be awful for him to confess a romantic interest he'd been repressing out of courtesy, if it turned out you were just curious and not also interested. although I think you are?
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:17 PM on June 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Figure out the second part first, because until you do that, what do you care what he wants? Like: don't ask him to be your boyfriend until you know whether you're going to want friendship if he says No, but can we still be friends? And do you definitely want to sleep with him/go out with him or do you just feel tension all the time because there's mystery and ambiguity and you like him?
honestly but delicately,
this is literally impossible. best I think most people can manage is the old obviously fake hypothetical: So I was wondering, what would you say if I asked you out? then if he says "I would panic because we are just good friends" you say Oh it's a good thing I never thought of doing that. then you die of embarrassment later because that is a terrible line. just the worst. but the friendship is preservable. whereas if you make a physical move or forthrightly tell him you're physically attracted to him, it might not be.
but even if you use this very juvenile script, you do have to kind of lay your cards on the table first if you expect him to disclose his own feelings. it would be awful for him to confess a romantic interest he'd been repressing out of courtesy, if it turned out you were just curious and not also interested. although I think you are?
posted by queenofbithynia at 5:17 PM on June 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: One friend of mine asked another after several similar one-on-one outings: "So, are we dating?" They are now married.
posted by bunderful at 5:39 PM on June 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by bunderful at 5:39 PM on June 13, 2017 [5 favorites]
People get nervous and don't know how to show their emotions, let alone pick up on others, but as a guy, I wouldn't do those things unless I was interested.
As far as words go, you have to be sort of direct, or you risk the other party not really understanding. What Mcduff said is pretty spot on, " Hey, I like hanging out with you, and I'd like to be more serious, do you feel the same?"
It's awkward. It sucks. You'll feel like an idiot; but you'll know. No more wondering. If he gives a vague answer, don't be afraid to push a little more. I once had to ask a girl out 3 separate times like this when she kept "hanging out" with me for 5-6 hours in my apartment ever night for 6 months, because I didn't ask a direct enough question, and its awkward to respond, so she gave me a non answer instead. After I finally cleared up that she would NEVER want to be with me like that, we were and are great friends.
posted by Gargantuantoe at 5:41 PM on June 13, 2017
As far as words go, you have to be sort of direct, or you risk the other party not really understanding. What Mcduff said is pretty spot on, " Hey, I like hanging out with you, and I'd like to be more serious, do you feel the same?"
It's awkward. It sucks. You'll feel like an idiot; but you'll know. No more wondering. If he gives a vague answer, don't be afraid to push a little more. I once had to ask a girl out 3 separate times like this when she kept "hanging out" with me for 5-6 hours in my apartment ever night for 6 months, because I didn't ask a direct enough question, and its awkward to respond, so she gave me a non answer instead. After I finally cleared up that she would NEVER want to be with me like that, we were and are great friends.
posted by Gargantuantoe at 5:41 PM on June 13, 2017
Assuming you want to be dating him, instead of asking him for some sort of awkward relationship definition, I would ask him the next time you hung out if he'd mind if you kissed him. Well, I personally would find it less awkward to start making some physical moves instead, but it doesn't sound like you're comfortable with that, so asking might work better for you.
posted by metasarah at 5:53 PM on June 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by metasarah at 5:53 PM on June 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This sounds soooo much like my girlfriend and I before we got together. Like you have the month wrong and that's it. What I finally worked up the courage to say was: "Is this a date? Because I'm okay if it isn't, but I would like this to be a date." And she, thank God, agreed it was a date and asked me to hold her hand on the way to the train afterwards and we go to the same restaurant every year for our anniversary.
By the point I had popped that question, of course, I had determined that I was okay with either outcome, and that everything I said was true.
(Thanks to AskMe because it was super helpful in helping me do this, by the way. )
Also:
I have never really pushed further on this. He told me once, on our second "date", that there was only one time in his life that he's felt very vulnerable, which was when he asked a girl who already had a boyfriend to be his girlfriend. So he clearly has a concept of a girlfriend.
sounds to me like a way of saying that you need to make the move if you want it to happen because he has a crippling social anxiety about it (jeez, so did I). Which may not be 100% fair, but may be as far as he can go. I know it took me months of faffing about to work up my courage to do this specific thing, but once I understood our relationship as a dating romantic one, I had no problem behaving in an appropriate fashion afterwards, it was just the one hurdle that seemed as high as the moon.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 6:59 PM on June 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
By the point I had popped that question, of course, I had determined that I was okay with either outcome, and that everything I said was true.
(Thanks to AskMe because it was super helpful in helping me do this, by the way. )
Also:
I have never really pushed further on this. He told me once, on our second "date", that there was only one time in his life that he's felt very vulnerable, which was when he asked a girl who already had a boyfriend to be his girlfriend. So he clearly has a concept of a girlfriend.
sounds to me like a way of saying that you need to make the move if you want it to happen because he has a crippling social anxiety about it (jeez, so did I). Which may not be 100% fair, but may be as far as he can go. I know it took me months of faffing about to work up my courage to do this specific thing, but once I understood our relationship as a dating romantic one, I had no problem behaving in an appropriate fashion afterwards, it was just the one hurdle that seemed as high as the moon.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 6:59 PM on June 13, 2017 [4 favorites]
I would say, I like you. Do you want to date?
Also, I think you should straight foward discuss how you both feel about touching. How do you feel about casual touching? Sexual touching? I need casual comfortable touching so dating someone with a touch sensory issue would be a deal breaker for me. Many people don't need this but many do. YMMV.
posted by Kalmya at 8:04 PM on June 13, 2017
Also, I think you should straight foward discuss how you both feel about touching. How do you feel about casual touching? Sexual touching? I need casual comfortable touching so dating someone with a touch sensory issue would be a deal breaker for me. Many people don't need this but many do. YMMV.
posted by Kalmya at 8:04 PM on June 13, 2017
Best answer: I am an intj female. It would not hurt to state that "it has been fun hanging out with you, but I am starting to get confused. Are we a couple?" Make it simple.
Do not drag it out emotionally, blech.
posted by squirbel at 2:34 AM on June 14, 2017 [1 favorite]
Do not drag it out emotionally, blech.
posted by squirbel at 2:34 AM on June 14, 2017 [1 favorite]
INTJ female here. We are not a mysterious other species. One common blind spot can be that things are so obvious we don't mention them, because obvious. He might think you are boyfriend and girlfriend already. So just ask him. You even already have the words in your post. "I want to know if I'm hanging around with a friend or hanging around for a potential boyfriend." And then say what you would like so he doesn't wonder where you stand.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 4:53 AM on June 14, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 4:53 AM on June 14, 2017 [1 favorite]
This sounds like me around college age. I would say either ask, like many others have mentioned or give him big honking clues that you would like more out of the relationship. He's probably scared as hell at making the next move.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 9:52 AM on June 14, 2017
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 9:52 AM on June 14, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by mcduff at 4:58 PM on June 13, 2017 [4 favorites]