How to have 'the talk' without the panic attack

June 13, 2017 4:41 PM

I've been dating an amazing person for five and a half months. I want a committed relationship with him and I'm ready to talk about it. But the thought of saying the words out loud and being vulnerable to rejection gives me cold sweats. Help!

This guy is the best. Caring, warm, kind, smart and hilarious - I've never laughed so much with someone. We took it really slowly at first, which suited me. Things have been steadily building for the last couple of months and now we see each other often and talk every day. I've met his friends and he recently opened up to me about a very emotional family situation. In short, I feel like his girlfriend.

I stopped dating other people about two months ago. I had begun to feel dishonest seeing anyone else and thought only of him anyway. But... I'm not sure where he stands. We haven't discussed it. And the way I feel about him now, it would hurt me if he was still seeing other people.

I had a failed attempt at raising it by text (I know) a couple of weeks ago. Meaning got lost in translation and I lost my nerve to raise it in person. But that's what I need to do. Please give me some tips about how to start the conversation. What should I say? How and when should I say it? And what should I do if it's not the outcome I want?

posted by wreckofthehesperus to Human Relations (13 answers total)

You could start with "I stopped dating other people. How do you feel about where we are?"
posted by DarlingBri at 4:43 PM on June 13, 2017 [6 favorites]

I would bring it up in the most straightforward, blunt way possible. I'd go into this assuming the two of you will agree, so there's little need to be nervous.

Boil it down to simple, direct questions for him to answer that will give clarity to both of you. Here are examples of things you can say, but there are no magic words — phrase it in whatever way feels natural to you:

• Are you my boyfriend? (Or: Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?)

• Are we exclusive? (Or: Do you want to be exclusive?)

• If someone attractive asked you out on a date, would you consider it or would you think: "I can't do that because of [your first name]?"
posted by John Cohen at 4:50 PM on June 13, 2017

wow, I literally just asked an uncannily similar AskMe.

I totally get losing the nerve to do this, and fearing the consequences. I will be watching your AskMe.
posted by starcrust at 4:50 PM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

It is nerve wracking to have the talk and you do need to prepare yourself for answers you don't want to hear. You need to think about what your response will be if you aren't on the same page. I had the talk the other week and was looking for a more committed relationship answer then i got, so we mutually decided to break up before our feelings diverged even further.
posted by TheAdamist at 5:31 PM on June 13, 2017 [1 favorite]

Yes, it's nerve wracking. But it's also good to know where you stand before you get too deep into the relationship yourself. It's definitely an in-person conversation, though.

"I really like you, and I'd like to see you exclusively."
"I stopped dating other people, and I'd like this to be an official relationship. How do you feel about that?"

Be direct, honest, and don't try to hedge your bets by being subtle or pretending you don't really care. And remember, even if he's not into that, it's better to find out NOW than in three months.

Good luck! You can do this :)
posted by ananci at 5:46 PM on June 13, 2017 [11 favorites]

Five and a half months is certainly enough time to determine interest in a committed relationship. In general, avoidance does not protect one from the reality of a situation.

Real relationships are vulnerable. Dating is vulnerable. Feeling vulnerable in these scenarios usually means one cares! That's excellent! Risking rejection is often a brave, bold experience and means one is living life to his or her fullest.

Honesty with kindness is a big tenet of a serious relationship. This type of communication either brings people closer and increases intimacy or it opens the door for a clear understanding of one another's divergent feelings. Either way, open communication advances the relationship towards a continuation or to its inevitable demise should people be on different pages, so to speak.

Sorry, I have to say this: My response does not, in any way, substitute for or represent any form of treatment for psychological, emotional, behavioral and physical syndromes or disorders. Appropriate licensed professionals must directly evaluate, diagnose and treat symptoms of physical or mental health conditions in a professional context and/or setting.
posted by Dr. April at 6:10 PM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

avoidance does not protect one from the reality of a situation.

quoted for truth
posted by ananci at 6:17 PM on June 13, 2017 [11 favorites]

"I like you. Like, *really* like you. And I haven't been dating anyone else for a few months, because I'm enjoying this so much. I wanted you to know that."

Then listen carefully to what he says (or doesn't say).

Sometimes it's easier to say your truth than to ask for something from someone. If he's a guy you want to spend time with, he'll probably give you some indication of where you stand, either way. If not, well, that tells you something, too.
posted by gideonfrog at 6:46 PM on June 13, 2017

Best answer: What's important here?

Are you interested in communicating what you're feeling to Dude, or are you interested in finding out what Dude is thinking/feeling? These are not the same thing.

Be forthright, whatever your intent is. Own what's important to you. Make it clear that your desires are legit and deserving of serious consideration.

"I want this to be an exclusive relationship, and I need to know whether you're prepared to be in one." (Own what you want; do not apologize. Insist he be forthright too.)

"I want this to be an exclusive relationship. I don't know where you are on this, but you deserve to know what I'm thinking." (This makes it clear you have desires that deserve serious consideration.)

If Dude balks, send him on his way. You deserve someone who's ready to commit, not someone who's "not sure," or "trying to figure things out." Fuck that. Life's too short.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 8:20 PM on June 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

Not sure if this helps but you can think through the worst case scenario. He doesn't want to date you exclusively.

This happened to me and I'm so GLAD that I asked when I did because I would have wasted so much time. And now I'm dating someone way better.

So even the worst case isn't that bad. And if he says yes then that's great.
posted by pando11 at 8:26 PM on June 13, 2017 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I think at five and a half months, it's okay to recognize that this is a super-vulnerable and hard thing to talk about. I also think that a person who is on the same page as you/cares about you will be understanding about how fraught and stressful this is.

I went through "the talk" with the dude I'd been seeing since January about two weeks ago. We had had several iterations of it, and it basically ended with me being like, "I'm crazy about you, and I'm super-happy with you, but I also need to know that you have strong feelings about me and are ready to call me your girlfriend." There were definitely some tears from the stress of it, and we had talked before about how sometimes my crying is less about me feeling sad and more about my feelings just coming out of my eyes. He was super-accepting and kind about it, and we're currently in the "I'm so glad you're my girlfriend/boyfriend" glow.

Look, there are a few different outcomes here - that he immediately is like, "Oh, I was already thinking we were", the "I'm happy being exclusive with you, but I don't know if I'm ready for that label yet", and "Not on the same page. Sorry." I think you need to consider how you will approach these different potential responses. Because being with someone all the way when they are only partly in is emotionally taxing and you don't need it. Rooting for you!
posted by superlibby at 10:11 PM on June 13, 2017 [2 favorites]

Geez, I asked the guy I was dating at three months if we could be bf/gf, he said no to the label and was uncomfortable, we kept on dating until 6 months, when I asked again, and he ended up breaking up with me out of the blue. We already were really emotionally close and shared a lot since the first or second month, but we were acquaintances before. It made sense for me to ask, because we did so much together. 5 and 1/2 months seems like an eternity to me!

I recommend following superlibby's advice. Just ask for what you want, you have this. The pace of the relationship is dictated by the people in it, and if it feels like it's time, it's time.
posted by yueliang at 10:14 PM on June 13, 2017

Response by poster: Thank you all, I did it! With some clumsy form of words like 'Can I ask you something? Are we doing an exclusive relationship thing here?' (Yes, we are.)
posted by wreckofthehesperus at 2:22 PM on June 15, 2017 [4 favorites]