stupid questions from women

January 17, 2006 10:34 AM

why is the question, "so have a special woman in your life yet?" always one of the first 3 questions a woman asks when you haven't talked to them in a while.
posted by goldism to human relations (40 comments total)

Because they want to know?
posted by deadfather at 10:36 AM on January 17, 2006

It's an important part of life?

She thinks you're gay?
posted by box at 10:38 AM on January 17, 2006

The women you know have a very limited worldview?

I've not noticed this as particularly common, it's not high on the list of questions I ask people. But it is a pretty generic question. And if you're of a certain age (anywhere from say, 20-35), your romantic entanglements are likely to be quite changeable. Are you seeing someone? Engaged? Married? Can she set you up? Ask you out? Invite you to her wedding with or without your SO?

The social implications of being coupled vs. not coupled are myriad. She could be asking because any one of those reasons applies.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:39 AM on January 17, 2006

I am a woman, and I've never once asked this question to anyone.

But I'm gonna hope the "dumb" tag applies to the question, not to women...
posted by occhiblu at 10:40 AM on January 17, 2006

I'm a woman, and I never ask. I figure if there is, they'll tell me eventually.

I'm also married, so I suppose you could argue I have considerably less stake in the answer I would get.
posted by gnomeloaf at 10:40 AM on January 17, 2006

I second rxrfrx. When someone asks that, they're not asking if you're seeing someone, they're asking if you're available.
posted by awesomebrad at 10:46 AM on January 17, 2006

This may be a pecularity to the women that you know or that run in your social circle. I don't ask this to male acquaintances (or female for that matter) that I haven't seen in a while - neither do the people that I know. I am usually more interested generally in what's happening with them and will ask things like, "What's new with you?" This is regardless of my dating status, I think.
posted by Cyrie at 10:46 AM on January 17, 2006

You jerk, people have an interest in your happiness and success. It's not stupid.
posted by thirteenkiller at 10:46 AM on January 17, 2006 [1 favorite]

You can counter Are you asking me out?

See what answer you get
posted by jouke at 10:49 AM on January 17, 2006

I'm a man (married), and I like the question. I can't say I ask it all the time, because I don't have a "script" that I use when meeting people, but romance is at the top my things-I-want-to-know-about-you list.

Somehow, we (college educated, intellictual types) are made to feel that we're petty if we're interested in romance. This is odd, because I think most of us spend more time and energy on romance/sex/marriage than pretty much anything else in our lives. (Note that I said "most of us" not "all of us.")

Personally, I like to talk about lovelives, see movies about lovelives, read books about them, etc.
posted by grumblebee at 10:49 AM on January 17, 2006

Perhaps every woman is your mother?
posted by MarkAnd at 10:49 AM on January 17, 2006

It comes from the same place as "When are you going to get married/have a baby," which is often asked of women. Which is to say, it's rather clueless and intrusive but not usually meant in a bad way.
posted by Gator at 10:51 AM on January 17, 2006

I'm a woman, and I've never asked that question.

I suspect that the most likely answer is that they are just being friendly. It's also possible that a woman who asks that question is interested in you, or that she is trying to figure out what your motives are for contacting her (if you initiated contact).
posted by amro at 10:55 AM on January 17, 2006

For one or both of these reasons:
a) she wants a piece of the goldism pie.

b) She's projecting her ticking biological clock oh my god I need to find a man before its too late and I'm old and wrinkled impulse onto you (Note: I don't mean to imply that's a strictly feminine impulse, I think men generally have those neuroses too, they just keep it better hidden).
posted by TunnelArmr at 10:58 AM on January 17, 2006

Because you're hot?
posted by bonaldi at 10:59 AM on January 17, 2006

When I catch up with old friends, male or female, gay or straight, I always want to know if they're seeing anyone. It's an intimate detail about the life of someone I care about; sharing it brings us closer together and gives us something to talk about. "How'd you meet? What does she do? He paints murals? Really!?!"

I'm drawn to the fact that "So have a special woman in your life yet?" is a rather different question than, "Are you dating anyone right now?" There's a bit of a perjorative in that final "yet," implying that you don't date regularly or that you rarely date the same person for very long. Is this what's bothering you? The fact that women are implying you don't get a lot of dates, or that you rarely have a steady girlfriend? If you don't like them mentioning it, than you can politely grumble about being tired of that question: they'll get the hint.
posted by junkbox at 11:05 AM on January 17, 2006

I think it's so they can sniff out your ulterior motives. If you say "Oh, yes, I'm seeing someone" then they can relax, thinking that you're not seeing them to try to get down their pants.

Maybe it's a "Well, since you *have* a woman, uh, why are you seeing *me* now?" kind of thing.

I could be totally off base, but I've always found it to be a defensive question.
posted by drstein at 11:08 AM on January 17, 2006

This kind of question is a bit personal and I would never ask someone without giving them a chance to bring it up themselves but it is not a dumb question. It is part of the subset of "How ya doin'?" questions like "How's your job?", "How is your family?", etc. From your description and keywords it sounds like you aren't very close to these women and they are just asking general catching up questions.

I can understand how this could be annoying after a break-up or a dry-spell and pity from a near stranger is irritating. If this is the case, maybe you just need a good deflective answer.

Also, "So have a special woman in your life yet?" does not equal "When are you going to get married/have a baby?" Although, "When are you going to get married/have a baby?" does equal "Why haven't you married/had a baby yet?"
posted by Alison at 11:08 AM on January 17, 2006

Your friends are limited conversationalists, it seems.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:09 AM on January 17, 2006

A: "I've got lots of special women in my life."

That ought to lead to some clarification of the question.

Then again, it sounds like you're a bit defensive about not having a special woman in your life.
posted by mikewas at 11:19 AM on January 17, 2006

Because you are a really nice guy, but the kind of guy who many women see as "just friends," not as partner material. Because they know how nice you are, though, they feel about this and they hope that you will find that special someone who you so much deserve. So they ask you about it.
posted by alms at 11:27 AM on January 17, 2006

There's no one answer. At some points it could be for x, reason, at other points (and other women) it could be y reason.

1). it's an important part of life - they're wondering about your wellbeing;
2). they're interested in you;
3). they're looking to set you up with someone;
4). they're wondering if you're gay;
5). they're trying to be friendly - give you the chance to spill your guts about your burning romance issues;
6). they're asking for someone else;
5). etc.

Anyway, it appears to me that they're fairly comfortable with you - not a typical question to ask strangers. Or, I suppose, there could be something about that begs the question....
posted by Amizu at 11:34 AM on January 17, 2006

I expect my aunts and uncles and grandparents to ask if I have "someone special," by which they mean that they hope I'm happy and/or soon settled down. If anyone of my own vintage, I'd think the "special" wording a bit condescending.
posted by desuetude at 11:34 AM on January 17, 2006

I've only just recently found a woman who's very important to me. Consequently, I kinda dropped off my limited social world for a while. So when I came back, everyone said "oh... found a woman then?".

After all, what other reason would you have for not having a Friday night at the movies with your mates?
posted by badlydubbedboy at 11:57 AM on January 17, 2006

I've never used the "someone special" wording, as it sounds trite to me. But sure, on occasion I've asked male friends if they're dating anyone IF all of the following three criteria are met:

1) they're good enough friends that we've talked about relationships in the past
2) I have no ulterior motive (i.e., I don't want to date them myself)
3) The last time we spoke, they indicated an interest in "finding someone."

I had no idea this makes me a bad conversationalist. As I see it, it makes me an interested friend.
posted by scody at 12:24 PM on January 17, 2006

Because unlike jobs or kids or particular hobbies or sports or tattoos etc., relationships (including one's failure or success with them, or anywhere in between) are one thing that people have in common. And talking about them is something that I think many women like to do.

To me, this is why lots of women read romance novels while similar numbers of their male counterparts watch pron. (I know, women like that, too. I'm speaking in general numbers.) I think lots of women are stimulated by / challenged by / interested in the process of putting relationships and/or emotions into words.
posted by onlyconnect at 12:45 PM on January 17, 2006

I'm amazed at the number of people who think this is weird. Relationships are basic to life; why wouldn't an old friend ask about this? Are people only supposed to talk about software and politics?
posted by languagehat at 1:00 PM on January 17, 2006

Please don't ask these sorts of questions, people. If the person is at all sensitive about it, the effect on him or her is like "Have you found a job yet?" to someone who's unemployed. If they have found a job or a partner and they think it's any of your business, they'll be sure to tell you.
posted by orange swan at 1:16 PM on January 17, 2006

It's a good way to buy talk time. People love to talk about their current relationship or their exes so, if you're an old friend and you feel obligated to give a damn and keep 'em talking, why not throw it out there. This works both ways, believe it or not: men will also talk about women. It's no different than questions about the job or the family or about the damn dog.
posted by nixerman at 1:28 PM on January 17, 2006

Damn, languagehat. You of anyone should notice the phrasing of the original post! That trailing "yet" gives it an obnoxious ring to me. Unless you've previously talked to the person about not finding someone, it really sounds like they're implying your incompetence in finding that "special someone" and that you might not be realizing the importance of it.

Then again, the intonation and previous relationship with the questioner mean a lot.
posted by mikeh at 1:34 PM on January 17, 2006

I don't necessarily ask the question you've specifically posed, but it's generally considered to be tied up in the "So, what's going on with you?" question in my circle of friends. I wouldn't expect it of or try to drag an answer to that type of question out of someone who is perennially not dating anyone, because it's prying to do that.

"So, when are you going to have a baby?"="So, are you having sex with your SO at all?" IMHO. Which makes it none of anyone's business, which is what it should be.
posted by Medieval Maven at 1:52 PM on January 17, 2006

They are probably trying to work out what the reason is for you to be talking to them.

In other words, whether or not you're going to try hitting on them.
posted by mr_silver at 2:07 PM on January 17, 2006

"So, when are you going to have a baby?"="So, are you having sex with your SO at all?" IMHO.

what? ever heard of contraception?
posted by mdn at 2:19 PM on January 17, 2006

I've noticed this question is sometimes reserved for the people who are outside the gossip mill. People who are private about their love life can be quite an enigma to people who are used to knowing all the latest details about their friend's lives, and it can escalate into the person being "mysterious", heightening the curiousity. :)

So, it might be you.
posted by -harlequin- at 2:36 PM on January 17, 2006

I get asked this a lot too...and I think alms had the best answer.
posted by black8 at 3:54 PM on January 17, 2006

I second harlequin. Most of the time, if someone's asking the question, it's because they want juicy gossip, in a "I really care about you and want you to be happy, but I also want to hear about the scandalous things you're doing with women" sort of way.
posted by chrominance at 3:59 PM on January 17, 2006

If I'm catching up with someone, say former students/alumni, after a while apart, I say it like this, "So, anyone special in your life right now?" I say it because I'm genuinely interested in if s/he is married or otherwise together with someone since they attended the high school where I had them as a student or since I saw him/her last.
posted by Lynsey at 4:48 PM on January 17, 2006

she may be interested in you or she may be wondering if you would be a good match for one of her friends.
posted by gai at 5:12 PM on January 17, 2006

That trailing "yet" gives it an obnoxious ring to me.

Yeah, I guess if you focus on that it might come across as objectionable. I didn't focus on that because the idea that such a specific phrasing is "always one of the first 3 questions a woman asks when you haven't talked to them in a while" is ridiculous; it's clear to me that if a whole bunch of women are asking, it's got to be a more general category of "questions about relationships." It's possible, of course, that the poster was actually annoyed by one specific question by one specific woman and generalized it to all women for a more dramatic AskMe question. We'll probably never know.
posted by languagehat at 5:12 PM on January 17, 2006

just to clear it up.

it was a rather annoying girl i used to work with. and now we work in the same building. i never got close enough to her, to talk about each others relationships.

at my last job she would always flirt with me and try to get me to hang out with her. that day, at that time...the question just annoyed me.

thanks for all of your thoughtful responses!
posted by goldism at 12:54 PM on January 31, 2006