Help me lean into the fear!

June 7, 2017 10:36 AM

I'm writing a dissertation in the humanities. I've been stuck on the penultimate chapter for a few months now, and have finally realized that I'm petrified. My fear, in short, is that no one will catch me if this turns out to be completely and total BS.

I was terrified while writing my first chapter, but committee member A is a known expert in the area discussed, so I just trusted that she'd call me out if I was out to lunch. My second chapter overlaps a lot with my advisor's specialty. My third chapter, committee member B.

And now I'm coming up to a rather experimental chapter, that no one on my committee would know more than I do, and with committee member C continuously telling me that my work is "non-standard" (not sure what that even means but I have a nagging feeling that it wasn't a compliment), I find myself increasingly paralyzed by fear. For a while, I kept re-writing parts of this chapter, and then I just became really scared of writing.

I know that at some point I'd have to hold my own and not rely on seals of approval from figures of authority. I know, I know. Please help me learn to trust my own expertise and analytical skill. Or give me some perspectives!

posted by redwaterman to Writing & Language (12 answers total)

Low dose of Xanax.

And ASK about "non-standard" and whether or not that's a criticism.
posted by JimN2TAW at 10:37 AM on June 7, 2017 [4 favorites]

Oh gosh, as a former grad student I feel you. Here's the thing: even if you HAD the seals of approval from figures of authority, if you're anything like me, you'll STILL feel like they just waved you through, and that your ideas are shite anyway. There is no golden trophy that academic superstars give out that will make you feel worthwhile as an academic. Doesn't exist.

You need to swallow your ego to get through this. I'm sorry but whatever you're writing--it's not as good or as bad as you think. And those people on your committee and in your defense? They're just people that wrote stuff. They're no different than you.

The only way out is through. Do the thing. It doesn't matter if it's good, really. It just has to pass. Pull that camera back and see that the ivory tower isn't a big crystal meritocracy, even though the powers that be want you to think so.

And 'non-standard'? You'll laugh at that in 2 years after you graduate. My version of 'non-standard' was when one of my readers said my diss was "relentlessly articulate." It bothered me that I couldnt' tell if that was a compliment or criticism. Two years later, I don't even care.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 11:13 AM on June 7, 2017 [17 favorites]

My mentor stopped me in the middle of a meeting as a dithered and re-hashed what was probably a relatively minor point in my diss to say "Did you do what you told the committee you were going to do in your proposal? Then you've met your obligations. The rest isn't so important."

This is not your whole career, it's a hoop to get through to allow you to explore the cool ideas you've unearthed in writing this thing. It's a first step on a path to what will hopefully be a long and interesting career. If you had everything down exactly right, right this second, what would you do for the rest of your life? Spit it out on a page, get feedback, edit and defend that sucker so you can get to the good stuff. Good luck!
posted by goggie at 12:53 PM on June 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

I don't know, maybe you are out to lunch. We know nothing about your work and how good it is. And even if you shared it here 99.9% of us would be unqualified to review it. But I've seen lots of imposter syndrome in academic life, first, second, and third-hand, and it looks like you have at least a mild case of it. Here's my one-size-fits all response, as a PhD holder and witness of many defenses:

It is presumptuous, uncharitable and outright rude to suggest that your advisers and committee members are so incompetent that they would let rubbish through undetected. That is what academics hear when you say " My fear, in short, is that no one will catch me... "

You trust and respect these folks, yes? Then trust them to do their jobs properly, and don't second guess them if/when they say your work is acceptable for the granting of a PhD. You have bought in to a system wherein you are 100% there to strive to achieve the seal of approval from figures of authority. That is what getting a PhD is about. If you didn't want a seal of approval from an authoritative institutions, you could study this stuff on your own time for free, right? So I don't see much point in this "not rely on seals of approval from figures of authority. " line of thought.

So: go get that seal of approval, don't feel bad about it, that's what you signed up for! And stop thinking you know better how to judge your work in the broad context of your field than your committee. You do not. When you have your PhD and published research, then is when you can quibble with peers over who's vetting is worthwhile and worth seeking. But for now, you are the student, they are the experts, and I sincerely recommend that you'll feel better if you can just put some faith in them, and get back to doing the best work that you can!

(and p.s. I totally agree with the above It doesn't matter if it's good, really. It just has to pass. Put another way, all you really have to do is convince a small set of people that you won't embarrass them in the future by prompting someone to ask "Who the hell gave this person a PhD?! ;)
posted by SaltySalticid at 1:12 PM on June 7, 2017 [6 favorites]

All this advice is great. Additionally, if you want something concrete:

Another thing you can do is submit a version of the chapter to a peer-reviewed journal in the field. The journal could give your submission to someone who specializes in that area for review.

You could also email someone working in that area and ask for feedback.

I doubt either of those things would fix your problem. But you should remember that they are options.
posted by a sourceless light at 1:25 PM on June 7, 2017

If the worst-case scenario for you is "Two rock-solid chapters, and then a third chapter where you try something interesting in a way that a lot of people don't end up liking," then you're doing great.

I've read a lot of dissertations in my field that had a few chapters of solid work and a chapter or two of speculative nonsense. If the solid work was relevant to mine — or if the speculative nonsense turned out to be a jumping-off point for an interesting discussion or two — then I was happy to have read them. To have relevant solid work and fertile(-but-maybe-ultimately-wrong) speculation in one diss is, honestly, better than average.
posted by nebulawindphone at 1:57 PM on June 7, 2017 [4 favorites]

even if you HAD the seals of approval from figures of authority, if you're anything like me, you'll STILL feel like they just waved you through

Yup, this. If you asked me, every article I've published, invited talk I've given, being courted for an R1 job at a top school, my great teaching evaluations have all been just because everyone feels sorry for me and has given me a pass. I have tons of evidence to the contrary but this is what imposter syndrome is, it makes you think you can't possibly be an expert in the thing you have thought more about, written more about, studied more, than literally anyone else on Earth.

I found therapy to be sort of helpful. I also picked up a hobby with obvious objective standards of excellence that I am very able to meet, proving that yes - I am good at things and capable.

Best of luck.
posted by sockermom at 2:38 PM on June 7, 2017 [4 favorites]

Ask your advisor what Committee Member C means by non-standard. It may be their deficit, not yours. For example, one of my committee members didn't have much experience with feminist theory (though he was an expert in his subject area) and was constantly baffled by some of my approaches, because my thesis was interdisciplinary and used feminist frameworks. My advisor had to speak to my other committee member about it. It wasn't up to me to school him on feminist theory, but she was able to do it because they were peers.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:53 PM on June 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

You're describing my exact situation, ten years ago. I passed. It was fine. And guess what? I've been invited to write a bunch of papers and speak at a bunch of conferences because I'm an expert on that chapter none of my committee really understood, which is A Thing now. That's how PhDs work!
posted by karbonokapi at 4:22 PM on June 7, 2017

Summarize the chapter in a sentence. Do you believe it? Is there evidence?

I wrote a lot of bad papers for college English classes. Thing is, I knew they were bad. If your idea is bad, you know it. Conversely, .........

Take heart in the part of the Dunning-kruger effect that says competent people underestimate their ability.
posted by SemiSalt at 5:03 PM on June 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

Go to the library/archives and look up the dissertations of a couple of people you know are idiots. The documents will no doubt be suitably unimpressive. Then remind yourself that if they could get a degree for whatever they did, so can you...
posted by rpfields at 10:00 PM on June 7, 2017

Here is your absolute worst case scenario, which happened to me: a committee member, in your defense, corrects you. I was told in my defense by my external reviewer that I was pretty much wrong about the importance of agrarian slavery in this one case study in the ancient world. So a lot of my literary analysis based on this historical narrative was tendentious. Here's the thing: the reviewer said it in a nice and constructive way, apologizing for not catching it sooner. He passed the dissertation, as did everyone else, and we are friendly and collegial. Did I publish this section? No. Did this mistake cost me anything except about five minutes of embarrassment? No.

So yes-- maybe you are totally off-base and someone forgot to tell you. But much, much more likely is that you are suffering from the same imposter syndrome as literally every else. You know what to do-- it's in your heading. Lean in to the fear and keep writing!
posted by athirstforsalt at 2:50 AM on June 8, 2017 [1 favorite]