How to "celebrate" my last anniversary tomorrow?

June 5, 2017 3:24 PM

My divorce will be finalized within the next six weeks, and it wasn't something I asked for or wanted. But I have realized that this is my new reality and have come to terms with it. Tomorrow (June 6) will be our 19th, and last, wedding anniversary. It isn't really a day for celebration, but I would like to do something fun anyway to keep my mind positive. It seems wrong to just treat it as another normal day when it clearly has/had some significance for the past 20 years.

I live in Portland and have very little money to spend. I was considering fasting all day as a religious exercise, since I did so last year and found it beneficial, but haven't completely made up my mind.

Does anyone have any good suggestions for non-celebratory-yet-happy fun in Portland that doesn't cost much? I have a car, so I can travel if needed. I also live 1/3 mile from the green line Max train.

I was considering going to the "cheap Tuesday" showing of Wonder Woman near my apartment tomorrow evening, but, frankly, watching a movie by myself seems more depressing than liberating... I'm open to other suggestions.

(We have five kids together, but they won't be with me tomorrow.)

posted by tacodave to Human Relations (16 answers total)

Have you got friends locally you can call on to take you out and fuss over you? I was in exactly your position (well, nineteen years married, not twenty) last fall and that's what I did.
posted by LizardBreath at 3:34 PM on June 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: LizardBreath - My SO got together with my best friend and turned everyone else against me, sadly. So other than coworkers, I have no adult friends in the area.
posted by tacodave at 3:59 PM on June 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

I like the idea of writing a letter to yourself, or possibly just journaling about everything you are feeling, and then burning it.

I will also say, I find going to movies/restaurants/etc. actually really liberating to know I can go do things I love without a partner. Bring a book so you have something to do instead of just staring at your phone while you're waiting for the movie to start.

Finally, another thought is to get out in nature and do some walking or hiking. I don't know Portland well enough to suggest a place, but since you have a car I'm guessing you can get somewhere pretty and peaceful?
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:34 PM on June 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

Sorry to hear you're going through this - you're only about an hour from the Columbia River Gorge, how about a day hike?
posted by tatiana wishbone at 4:38 PM on June 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

I agree that I find going to movies (and some, but not all, restaurants) alone to be a pretty positive experience.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 4:41 PM on June 5, 2017

Wholeheartedly recommend hiking. Nature kept me sane while I was going through my divorce. Even better if you can go camping somewhere you can see the stars. For me, it puts things in perspective.

A bike ride or rock climbing or something along those lines would be even better, since you have to concentrate more than just walking. Focusing on something else is the best.
posted by AFABulous at 4:43 PM on June 5, 2017 [3 favorites]

I found places where I could watch water flow, trees bend in the wind, and squirrels run around very calming.

This is not for everyone, but I also revisited places I was nostalgic about, to say a kind of goodbye and to see it with fresh eyes. This included the college campus where we met and of which I am inordinately fond. It hurt some, but I'm glad I did it.

Finally, I also made a small ceremony of packing away pictures and mementos of our married life. Not quite ready to dispose of them, though. It worked well as a step further into the new territory.
posted by Caxton1476 at 4:43 PM on June 5, 2017

Our good friend was "married" to his partner for 17 years, when same-sex marriage wasn't yet a thing. They endured very difficult circumstances to bring their relationship into existence--one was military, the other worked in a U.S. embassy abroad where they met--and I suspect those accumulated hardships contributed to their separation. To this day, our friend insists on reserving only a few moments on his anniversary date to have a private, brief moment of reflection. He pours a splash of whisky from a bottle that he keeps for the purpose, gives himself a few minutes to drink it along with his thoughts, then puts the bottle back in the cupboard until the next year. I only know this because, a couple years ago, I happened to see this bottle. It has a piece of paper taped to it that reads something like, "For August 11 Only," and I asked him about it. He says he doesn't like the thought of making a fuss over the past, but he also doesn't want to forget those 17 years.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 4:46 PM on June 5, 2017 [25 favorites]

My daughter just got back from a show at our local planetarium, and when I asked her how the field trip went, she said, "It made my problems seem soooooo smallllll."

The planetarium at OMSI is doing a show called Totality about eclipses at 3:30 tomorrow, for $5.75. See that, and then on August 21st, drive east to catch the full solar eclipse. You can bracket your divorce with these two events, and no doubt there will be plenty of ways that you can frame the experience: the words "totality," "eclipse," and "sun" all lend themselves to profound insight.

I am so sorry for your loss, and as someone who has gone through something incredibly similar (our infidelity-caused divorce was on our 18th anniversary) I can tell you that it does get better, and that taking charge of things like symbolism are important for healing. I'm so glad that you're doing this for yourself.
posted by Capri at 4:51 PM on June 5, 2017 [13 favorites]

If you're planning on doing a symbolic throwing-away-of-the-ring thing, as I understand some people do, that Columbia River Gorge sounds like a good place to do it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:11 PM on June 5, 2017

Maybe something that focuses you in and on your own body? You still have yourself, after all, and you need to give yourself kindness and be able to experience joy through it. A long, gentle stretch or yoga session outside somewhere beautiful, a couple hours in a room that smells of your favorite things in your softest clothing, fresh fruit and crusty bread, the perfect drink that brings you calm. Things you will still be able to experience next year and for years after that.
posted by Mizu at 5:17 PM on June 5, 2017

I'm so sorry, tacodave. I've been taking myself on a long hike on the difficult anniversary days. It gets me out of the house but still lets me feel I'm building something good for myself.
posted by frumiousb at 5:18 PM on June 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

Is there some kind of Project you can undertake on that day that will bring you future benefits, and is just engrossing enough to distract you but not so engrossing that you won't burn the house down if you do get distracted?

For years I would can tomatoes on 9/11 for exactly that reason and it was perfect. It was a hot, sweaty, messy job that I only wanted to ever do once per year, but it was busy work and I got a years' worth of home-canned tomatoes out of it that I would enjoy all year and it was worth it. There was also somehting life-affirming about that, something future-facing too.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:27 PM on June 5, 2017 [4 favorites]

It depends whether you'd rather make this date about acknowledging the past or looking towards the future. If the latter, you could make this date the Day of the New: put on a new shirt, buy a new book and start reading, go walk in an unknown to you neighborhood, stop by for coffee in a coffee place you've never been to, eat a new dish for dinner, take a free class on painting or yoga if you've never done it, watch a new film or first episode of a new TV series. Whatever you can afford or that is free, as long as it's new - collect as many of New Experiences in one day as possible.

You could make it an annual thing.
posted by Ender's Friend at 7:11 PM on June 5, 2017 [12 favorites]

Portland Japanese Garden.

Peaceful, beautiful, walk as long as you like, sit as long as you like reading a good book. It costs 14.95 for one adult.
posted by sacchan at 8:25 PM on June 5, 2017 [5 favorites]

Portland Japanese garden is really nice and a good contemplative space. There's also a nice rose garden outside of the city (Portland International Rose Test Garden).

You could also visit Powell's and search the stacks to purchase two books, one representing the past and one representing the future. Or, is there a really nice city library you can go to? I always find being with books to be very calming and reflective.
posted by ellerhodes at 5:44 AM on June 6, 2017 [3 favorites]