Schrodinger's Survivor

June 4, 2017 2:06 PM

In the wake of the London attacks, I broke No Contact to send a short message of support to a guy who ghosted on me. Please help me be OK with this and move on.

I am a woman in her mid-20s who was involved with a person who lives in London (I don't).

We started out as a whirlwind dalliance and despite my initial resistance and his insistence, became a weird long distance romance. After a friend alerted me to his unkindness towards an ex almost a decade ago (in college, so I was willing to give him the benefit of doubt), I quickly realised that the prince was something of a frog (insensitive, evasive, non-committal and emotionally unavailable) and tried to end the relationship as nicely as possible. He turned up a week later for a few days during which I saw him maybe twice, manipulated me into reconsidering and then once I cautiously did, started blowing hot and cold, being flaky, pulling the slow fade and finally ghosted. Since I had predicted this, I managed my feelings and sent him a final email without rancour, just putting a full stop to this needlessly dramatic pseudo-relationship.

I blocked and deleted him from everywhere and have been trying hard to move on. I am quite sure that I don't want to ever resume any kind of association with him. I have done No Contact twice before so I know that I can do this just fine. I had not accounted for exceptional circumstances.

Today, seeing the unnerving footage of the London attacks and knowing that there is a high likelihood he'd be out in that area, I kept worrying. I resisted the urge to reach out all day but we were involved for four months and it's only been a fortnight since he ghosted so it didn't sit right with me to not even send a message of support. So I did. He continues to be blocked on all platforms so I wasn't expecting any response. That's not what I am concerned about.

I just feel like my feelings of compassion outweighed my self-respect. He is obviously not a nice guy and I doubt that he would have bothered with checking in on me if something like this happened in my city. However, it is unnatural for me to not care a whit about someone I have shared bodily fluids with being gravely injured, dead or traumatised. I did what I did because I felt it was the right thing to do, not to force communication or have him pay attention to me...though the thought that he might think that does niggle at me. I just don't want to feel like I gave up power again by lapsing at maintaining NC. I want this to not affect the work I have done to become comfortable with never seeing him again and getting over him. I had been making swift and solid progress and feeling powerful and I just don't want this to derail me or make me feel like I compromised on my sense of self.

Please be kind to me and help me own the decision to momentarily break No Contact and also to move on from this so this does not cause me to regress.
I am feeling rather worn out and a bit sad at what's happening in the world and that even the spaces of intimate engagement where love and care might be possible are becoming so cruel and hard that it seems impossible to triumph over brutal violence.

Thank you.

Snowflakes (optional):
I've never been in a long-term relationship and am in therapy because of anxiety and depression, particularly regarding intense feelings of loneliness and lack of tangible achievement after finishing grad school a couple of years ago. I struggle with setting boundaries early on and because I am a "late bloomer" sexually and romantically, never getting much attention in my teens and early 20s, am vulnerable in romantic/sexual contexts in a way that I am not in any other interpersonal context. Though widely perceived as someone who is independent, no-nonsense and astute, I am, of course, fragile and occasionally a hormonal mess who can be led astray. I don't always pick terrible dudes, but when I do, I leave quickly but remain deeply affected for a long time afterwards. I also invest a lot of my self-image in feeling like I am a great judge of character (I have an amazing circle of friends and am good at identifying and jettisonning assholes) so the couple of times I've slipped up have really bothered me. I think it also has to do with being aimless and adrift at the moment -- I am a freelance writer struggling to build a life in a metropolis while all my friends have jobs and lives.

In this instance, I tried to play the Cool Girl for the first time against my better, feminist judgement and put off asserting my feelings till much too late for fear of being dismissed...and ended up being abandoned anyway. There is an element of feeling shame/embarrassment at being hoodwinked by someone so transparently bad for me that I knew within weeks that I had to end it and still continuing because some attention > no attention after years of loneliness. I also feel stupid for having tried to play a game I know I am set up to lose. I am trying to work through my feelings but I don't want to spiral downwards into depression...I had a terrible period last year that I pulled myself through with Herculean efforts and I don't have the capacity to do this again.

posted by norwegianleather to Human Relations (15 answers total)

If your sense of self involves empathy and compassion, then you are being true to yourself by sending a message of support in the wake of a traumatic event.
posted by kinddieserzeit at 2:16 PM on June 4, 2017 [40 favorites]

This is one tiny little thing, and it's not going to derail your process and your progress. Congrats -- you've made, like, 100 steps forward. One tiny little step back doesn't negate everything you've already accomplished. You're totally on the right path, and you're going to keep going down that great path.

This is one of the ancillary aspects of terrorism -- the way it ripples out into society, it knocks a lot of us (all of us, maybe?) off our balance, even if we weren't directly victimized.

You won't need a Herculean effort now. Just gently stay where you're at, forgive yourself this very human, very compassionate moment you had, and move along. You go, you!
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:17 PM on June 4, 2017 [6 favorites]

Texting someone to see if they are okay after a terrorist attack does not mean you've lost your self-respect or regressed completely.

In my experience with getting over breakups, when there's some type of contact with the ex a lot of difficult feelings come up quickly and feel very fresh, but if I don't continue the contact and return to normal, my feelings also return to normal pretty quickly - within a few days at most.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Be kind to yourself and get a good night's sleep tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.
posted by bunderful at 2:30 PM on June 4, 2017 [14 favorites]

you didn't do anything contradictory or compromising at all. if he thinks you messaged him just as an excuse to talk, then he's a dumb fuck but he's also alive and fine. the one, you already knew; the other is good news.

the essence of the "cool girl" problem you mention is pretending to some false ideal in service of the false idol of a man's approval. You did the opposite of that -- you did what you thought was right and what you wanted to do, because doing that matters more than managing his impressions of you. the opposite of the cool girl is the free woman and the good person, and you are both.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:00 PM on June 4, 2017 [15 favorites]

You're ok.

Lately I've been just going with those impulses to send messages to check in on people or say something nice. We need that in the world. Reasons can be complicated but I do try to just accept that I feel feelings towards a person and that's ok, but if I need something back maybe don't send the message. If I feel like it's 1) a helpful message that says something positive and 2) I'm 100% ok not hearing back or getting a response, then it's ok to send. I do understand both your impulse and your anxiety. Sincerity and vulnerability (admitting you have feelings!) are rare and under-valued and it can be scary to throw it out there like that.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 3:07 PM on June 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

The relationship culture and general societal norms I come from quite often make me feel that behaving compassionately is incompatible with self-respect, so I get what you're feeling. The "cool girl" and other roles we play are ways to fit in and be part of a culture that does not value what I do and am looking for in a partner, namely: compassion, authenticity, honesty, and personal investment in building a relationship and your partner's wellbeing. Being compassionate, authentic, and present means being vulnerable, a hard thing in today's climate.

While there is no objective measure of what is right and wrong in this situation, I think you honored your values and yourself with your message. Even if it causes some discomfort, doubt, or whathaveyou, you always win in the end by being yourself and acting with integrity. Be well.
posted by perrouno at 3:35 PM on June 4, 2017 [5 favorites]

It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do. He sounds like kind of a crappy dude, but obviously you don't want him to come to physical harm.
A lot of the normal social rules get suspended in an emergency--you wouldn't have messaged him if something significant hadn't happened, right? I went through a period recently where I wasn't really talking to my dad, but he still called me when my area suffered a natural disaster. It was compassionate of you to check on him in weird circumstances, and I don't think that means you're backsliding.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 4:52 PM on June 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

You are human and kind. This is an unusual situation and reaching out was a very decent thing to do. Now let it go and carry on with the rest of your life.
posted by rpfields at 5:17 PM on June 4, 2017 [11 favorites]

You showed a crappy person some compassion. That makes you officially the Bigger Person and is not a weakness or something to beat yourself up over. Give yourself a pat on the back and don't waste anymore time thinking about him or the situation.
posted by Jubey at 5:59 PM on June 4, 2017 [5 favorites]

You can't actually control what other people do. There are best practices for handling shitty situations, but no matter how brilliant you are or how insightful about people you may be, other people are not a thing you can control. They have wills of their own.

And some of those people will be shitty to you no matter how you handle it, which is a reflection on them, not you.

And if reaching out to someone out of compassion during an extreme and unusual situation in spite of their track record of shitty behavior is the biggest concern you have in your life, you should try to have a good laugh about that fact. Which isn't to mock you. It is the sort of thing I do and then feel stupid about afterwards because it usually does not come back to me in a good way at all. But that is the thing everyone says you "should" do that is supposed to make the world a better place. And I continue to slip up occasionally and let my humanity show because once in a while people don't bite the hand that feeds them. Once in a while, it does lead to some of the positives that people imagine it is supposed to. And if no one ever did it, the world would be an even bleaker place than it currently is.

And the best thing you can learn from this is that being kind does not have to make you a professional victim. You don't have to choose both or neither. You can choose one or the other, in spite of how much other people may try to force you into accepting that if you are ever kind or compassionate, you are a chump and a fool and a professional victim and weak etc. You can reach out during this crisis and then go right back to "That doesn't mean I intend to let you walk on me."

That's actually a much more empowered and freeing position to take anyway.

Best.
posted by Michele in California at 6:17 PM on June 4, 2017 [5 favorites]

I think you're feeling unsure, questioning yourself, maybe sad. But feelings are only feelings. A person can have any kind of feelings at all - that doesn't mean you've lost power, or that you're weak, even if you feel weak. Nothing that matters has really changed from before you sent the message to after, except your feelings. What does he think, how does he interpret it, etc etc, who cares. It's not your problem, it's not a thing that matters. Everything you could have chosen to do or not do before – unblock him, block him, contact him, don't contact him – you can still do now. Your power is still yours, it didn't do anywhere, it didn't dissipate, evaporate, transfer. Maybe if you had to do it over again, you wouldn't have. OK so what? It's not important. It had no impact, no consequences, nothing you have to clean up after. It doesn't deserve space in your brain. In fact, I bet it's parasitic on some thing else. A concern or worry or sadness that is really yours and has little if anything at all to do with him. See if you can get in touch with something underlying that's getting you down and give yourself some tlc.
posted by Salamandrous at 7:56 PM on June 4, 2017 [2 favorites]

I don't think that you should feel like you set yourself back. You were being true to yourself in reaching out to him bc you were concerned and still care about him. Who cares if he thinks he still holds power over you or has the upper hand with your kind gesture. You know your truth, that you have no interest in him and only wanted to check in on him which is a very normal thing to do.

And don't be so hard on yourself for being hoodwinked. You're only human and not a psychic. You don't want to be so protective of yourself and scared to let people in to the point of paranoia and not giving the next guy a fair chance. You're better off than most people in that you can eventually end if when you realize he's not good for you. You ended it in 4 months, it seems like you had strong chemistry and feelings for this person so for you to have ended it in 4 months, versus years like some other people might have, shows that you have a lot of self respect and will power. Just keep on doing what you're doing.
posted by CheeseAndRice at 11:12 PM on June 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

Totally reasonable human thing to do. As much as the guy was Not Nice, you don't wish him death or dismemberment. That's not "backsliding" on your no-contact, especially since he remains blocked from contacting you!

I can tell you that when 9/11 happened, there are many, many of us who similarly felt compelled to reach out to people from our pasts who we knew would have been in that part of NYC. I contacted a long-ago ex at that time, and his response was ready and quick enough that I suspect strongly that he'd be sending out similar messages to other long-lost friends and lovers who had popped in to make sure he was alive.

There is absolutely no reason to beat yourself up or doubt yourself over this.
posted by desuetude at 9:17 AM on June 5, 2017 [1 favorite]

My neighbour got scammed once (one of those "old friend/acquaintance getting in touch needing money" text things) and said to me afterwards she didn't feel foolish for falling for it cuz she'd rather be kind and compassionate than cynical and distrustful.

Be proud of your kindness and compassion.
posted by ClarissaWAM at 1:17 PM on June 5, 2017 [2 favorites]

You don't need to beat yourself up about this. You don't even need to worry about it. Man, reading through your message you remind me of me a few years ago, and I wish I could have heard this: you are fine. You are so aware of the kind of guys you are choosing and you're doing your best to stop those old, old patterns of choosing the ones who aren't interested, and handing your power over to them. You are doing your best. Maybe get some (more?) therapy so you can be even clearer around this and have support as you change those long-embedded behaviours. Build up your self-esteem in whatever ways you can, over and over again, so you are able to *not* hand over power to these guys as a reflex action; be aware of when you do it and pull it back so you can keep it.

Finally, checking in with the dude, as everyone here has said, was a kind, thoughtful and compassionate act. Even if you still like him and part of you wanted to get in touch, it still was a nice thing to do. Let it go, let it go. It is really nothing to be ashamed of, it does not mean you are weak, and it does not mean you let your boundaries slip. You did a human thing. You deserve to be kinder to yourself right now than you are to him. I cannot emphasise how much you need to be kind to yourself about this and let it go. I wish someone had said that to me in similar situations when I was younger; back then, I had no idea that such a perspective was even possible. It's more than possible – it's right.

And keep writing!
posted by considerthelilies at 3:56 PM on June 9, 2017 [1 favorite]