How do I resolve guilt/sadness about sibling's abusive ex-husband?
May 30, 2017 9:41 AM   Subscribe

My sister left her abusive husband two years ago and she and her children are now living safely with my parents. As details emerge of what the children endured, I am overwhelmed with sadness and guilt that I didn't do more sooner. How do I resolve this?

Sister (early 30s) and children (pre-teens) are doing well, though, my nephew has some pretty significant behavioral problems that resulted from him being his dad's punching bag. He's in therapy, has a psychiatrist and lots of support at school. His little sister will start counseling this fall. They are both in lots of activities, both in school and in the community.

We have created a safe space for them to talk about what happened. Everyone is doing their very best to let them know daily that they are safe and loved. I'm giving them plenty of auntie time with movies and dinner and library and museum time (and probably spoiling them a bit too much with gadgets and clothes) but I'm just so consumed with guilt that I didn't sound the alarm sooner and more forcefully about my sister's relationship to my parents.

Everyone in our family suspected things were not right with Sister and her ex-spouse but my parents decided that they couldn't push the situation too hard or they risked not having access to my sister and her kids. There were times when Abusive Spouse kept them away but generally, my parents could fly to the city where they lived several times a year and spend several weeks making sure things were ... OK.

I also have a lot of (misplaced and misguided) anger at my sister. I know she was the victim here but I just can't get my head around how she allowed someone to hurt her children. We did not grow up in an abusive household. My Dad was no ray of sunshine but he was an able and respectable provider. We never wanted for anything. My sister's spouse was a loser and low life from the beginning who often had her and the kids living in places with no heat (in the Midwest!). Again, I know this is completely unfair to my sister and I have never let on that I feel this way. She and I talk regularly and she says she feels very supported by the family.

I am the eldest of my siblings and often feel responsibility for everyone. I'm looking for a therapist that I can work with on that. In the meantime:

1) Can children heal from abuse in early childhood?

2) Are there other things I should be doing to help my sister and her children?
posted by nubianinthedesert to Human Relations (20 answers total)
 
Best answer: We did not grow up in an abusive household. My Dad was no ray of sunshine but he was an able and respectable provider.

I'm saying this so that you can help your sister by not (secretly) blaming her, which I know you want to do anyway: you don't know everything about your sister's relationship with your parents, what deep needs she may or may not have had met, or how this affected her differently from how it affected you -- or even all of how it affected you that might become evident later for you. She may not even be aware of how it affected her.

Then too there are events in her life outside of your family, which you may not know about, and of which which she may or may not realize the impact.

Stuff like this happens because of a confluence of circumstances, not because of any one thing. That means that avoiding situations like this also happens because of the sum of many things - avoiding several kinds of bad experiences, building up strength in several ways, and being out of reach of bad "luck" that catalyzes this kind of thing.

Then there's random chance, too.

Again, this is not to make you feel bad or guilty; your feeling how you feel is natural, and overcoming it may take some effort (on anybody's part). Protecting the innocent, and feeling angry toward those who fail to do so for whatever reason, is a major driving force behind a lot of human society (and some unfortunate politics). I wish you well. Please do what you need to to replenish your own strength.

It sounds like you're making a big difference in their lives.
posted by amtho at 10:03 AM on May 30, 2017 [13 favorites]


Everyone in our family suspected things were not right with Sister and her ex-spouse but my parents decided that they couldn't push the situation too hard or they risked not having access to my sister and her kids.

This, right there. It's a fine fucking line to walk in that kind of situation. Being all "That's it, leave him NOW" frequently just means that she doesn't leave him and/or goes back to him if she tries leaving (multiple times), and once you've categorically come out as the husband's enemy, he'll make sure the wife has no contact with you. You have to pretend at least around the husband to be "on his side" or too innocuous to be an enemy of his, or else you lose your sister altogether, as long as she's still with him.

Most of the time there isn't a whole lot you can do until she leaves him for good, though. It's not safe for anybody while she's still got at least one foot in his house. If you'd tried other things, it might have made the situation worse for all we know.

Concentrate on the fact that she finally left and they're safe and out. That's what's important. Do the best you can now, don't beat yourself up over how well or poorly you and your parents managed to walk that tightrope. It's a nigh impossible situation for most people to pull off.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:14 AM on May 30, 2017 [15 favorites]


I also have a lot of (misplaced and misguided) anger at my sister. I know she was the victim here but I just can't get my head around how she allowed someone to hurt her children.

The one person I've talked to extensively about a similar situation said that things look so different when you're in it... like when you look around your house and don't see a mess, but then look at a photo or something and there's crap everywhere.

Abusers are often really, really good at convincing their victims that everything's normal.
posted by Huck500 at 10:34 AM on May 30, 2017 [11 favorites]


We did not grow up in an abusive household. My Dad was no ray of sunshine but he was an able and respectable provider. We never wanted for anything.

You need to do some educational and emotional work on this. It is a myth that only women who were abused ("abused") as children are abuse victims as adults, to start with. "Not wanting for anything" is not a vaccination and has nothing to do with abuse.

Secondly, women who live in this world are exposed to an entire culture made by and for men, not just one father. We are all programmed from birth to submit and second-guess and be controllable and please and be intimidated easily when insulted or threatened or actually hurt. All it takes is for the wrong person to push one of a hundred pre-installed buttons, and that door opens.

Thirdly, "no ray of sunshine" is pretty faint praise. There may be many things you don't know, or have not re-contextualized as an adult. You may also be inclined to preserve an idealized childhood for your own protection, and the anger that can leak out around the cracks of that can be incredibly intense. That is definitely a thing to take up with a therapist, though.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:40 AM on May 30, 2017 [39 favorites]


The person to blame here, and the only person to blame, is the abuser. Not your sister, not your parents, and not yourself. He chose to be terrible, and doubtless took advantage of your sister's kindness and caring.
posted by bile and syntax at 10:54 AM on May 30, 2017 [11 favorites]


I am the eldest of my siblings and often feel responsibility for everyone.

Then make sure your sister has these things that you say you have provided for her children:
- therapy,
- a psychiatrist
- lots of support at [work/home]
- lots of activities, both [at work/home] and in the community
- a safe space for [her] to talk about what happened
- let [her] know daily that [she is] safe and loved
- plenty of [sister] time with movies and dinner and library and museum time (and probably spoiling [her] a bit too much with [drinks and chocolates])
I'm just so consumed with guilt that I didn't sound the alarm sooner and more forcefully about my sister's relationship to my parents.

It isn't about you or what could have been done then. It's about your sister and her children, and what you can do now.

she allowed someone to hurt her children

She did the best she could then, and she's doing the best she can now. Blaming her for someone else's actions is not only incredibly unfair but also detrimental to her children's well being. They have already seen their mother abused and put down. Do you want them to see more of that? You can best support the kids by supporting their mother.
posted by headnsouth at 10:54 AM on May 30, 2017 [6 favorites]


Best answer: Please don't beat yourself up. It happens SO often that families do push too hard and it winds up isolating the victim. Your family did the best you could and look: your sister did get out when she got out! This may have been the very best outcome that could have been hoped for.

As for anger at your sister, I don't think it's right for anyone to judge you for blaming her, as long as you never express that to her. For her and for you, you need assume her mental state was something you really can't understand. Talk to a therapist about it and about what DV does to mothers, alone, if you want; it might help you know what to say if the kids ever express blame. Don't ever bring it up to her though. Onward and upward. The healthier she gets, the further away she'll be from that place mentally, and the more she'll want to forget that she was ever a party to the abuse of her kids. Help her forget it: put it behind you both.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:00 AM on May 30, 2017 [14 favorites]


1) Can children heal from abuse in early childhood?

2) Are there other things I should be doing to help my sister and her children?


1 -- Yes, of course.

2 -- The most important thing you can do is to stop blaming her. If you find you can't let go of this, please get competent help. If you in any way give her this impression, you will do an incredible amount of damage. So whatever you do, get a handle on your feelings. The last thing your sister needs is to think you disapprove of her life.

All I can tell you is I was in a terrible marriage and what others are saying is the truth: you could have told me over and over I was in an abusive marriage at the time (not that anyone did) and I wouldn't have believed you. It looks different when you're in the middle of it.

You can be supportive by endlessly offering support -- take the kids for sleepovers, movies, dinner dates -- just be there for the kids and for her. Don't wait for her to ask.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:00 AM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]


Please consider reading Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That to learn more about the dynamics inside relationships with abusive men, and why it can be so terribly difficult for women to leave them.
posted by Sublimity at 11:05 AM on May 30, 2017 [6 favorites]


she allowed someone to hurt her children

I don't want to be an apologist for abusive parents/dysfunctional families but I think it is hard to figure out how to act when people act irrationally. And it can be hard to wake up to the fact that something is not a one-off thing but rather a pattern that is likely without end. Abusers are not monsters on a clock, they explode, maybe with "good reason" and maybe not. They may apologize, they may make amends. They may even get therapy or outside help or pledge to get that help. They may be tormented by certain things – depression, anxiety, drug addiction, mental illness. These might be things that the spouse feels they can help them with. Out of love, out of duty, out of necessity. It can take time to see that things will not change and that patterns are not being disrupted. Our culture normalizes violence toward those less powerful, including children. So, at the very least, put the narrative "she allowed" out of your mind. Take a narrow slice of the experience and, yes, she may have "allowed." But that's not usually the truth of the matter. The truth of the matter is likely that her spouse was uncontrolled and did not do the work to heal himself and his family. He is not safe and he may not ever be safe. But these things can be a slow boil and it is hard to leave and hard to make sense of a dysfunctional family when you are in it. The thing you can do is just be present for today.
posted by amanda at 11:06 AM on May 30, 2017 [8 favorites]


Best answer: 1) Can children heal from abuse in early childhood?

Yes, absolutely. I would stop spoiling them (gradually) but being there in their lives gives them a whole other set of experiences now. They are learning that when they are hurt there are people who will listen and help.

2) Are there other things I should be doing to help my sister and her children?

I think it would be helpful to think about the difference between guilt and remorse. Guilt is a useful feeling (like shame) in that it signals us that we are not taking action in line with our values, but staying in a feeling of guilt tends to trap us and leads us to behaving more out of line with our values as we fail once again to be living in the present -- basically, if you are sitting there feeling guilty you are probably not actually focusing on whatever these kids are telling you right then which might be about their day or a math test, etc.

Remorse on the other hand, can be powerful because it helps us make things right. If you feel remorse you could let your sister know (once) that you wish you had been more proactive and that you would like to support her fully as she moves forward. And then do that.

For the anger at your sister I think therapy for you would be helpful. I actually think that some of that anger is legitimate but in the way of being angry at people who have a car accident that is mostly not their fault -- maybe they took the intersection a little fast or whatever but 99% of the time it would be fine, it's just that on that one day they met the other driver. In this case your sister has something in her that allowed this abuser to get his hooks in her, but the fact that he had hooks is one hundred percent his fault, not hers. I would help her repair her bumper, help her get strong and healthy again and let the accident part go... when you can. It's not your job to judge her on this one.
posted by warriorqueen at 11:26 AM on May 30, 2017 [5 favorites]


Best answer: One really helpful thing you can do is research your ass off to find out who, in your region, is providing the best services for abused families: parenting (and other family member) training, creative therapy for children, communication training for children and family members, respite care for your sister, occupational therapy for survivors of abuse, whatever you can find.

Just reading the titles of papers these people have written, or reading the description of their practices or programs, can be incredibly triggering to people in your sister's position. It is significantly easier for someone one degree removed to sort the wheat from the chaff, do the phone calls to find out how to apply/if there's spaces/what the waiting list protocol is, track down correct names and phone numbers. That way you can provide a curated spreadsheet with some of the initial trauma filtered out.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:44 AM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: I can tell you what I learned as the victim of a violent crime: victim-blaming is incredibly common. I experienced it from the police, from friends, from my spouse. I don't believe any of it was malicious, either. I also came to realize how much I had done the same thing in the past.

A counselor I saw after the incident explained it this way. The idea of violence or abuse or even accidents happening randomly is terrifying. You can do everything right, you can be a good person, and very bad things can still happen to you. People blame the victim as a coping mechanism, as a way to reassure ourselves that this thing can't happen to us.

I found it very helpful to talk with that counselor. It could be very helpful for you, too.
posted by Cranialtorque at 12:32 PM on May 30, 2017 [18 favorites]


Just reading the titles of papers these people have written, or reading the description of their practices or programs, can be incredibly triggering to people in your sister's position.

Thank you Lyn Never for saying this. I have a friend who just left a situation similar to the OP's sister, and our friend group is still in that "if I can help you with anything just ask" mode, while our friend is too overwhelmed to know what to ask for. This is a concrete thing we can do to help her.
posted by vignettist at 1:06 PM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]


Best answer: And OP, I think the best thing you could have done, and continue to do, is not push your sister into isolation. We saw what was happening with our friend too and the best we could do was say "call me, anytime of the day or night" or "we have an extra bed if you need it, no questions asked, just show up". It still took her a few years and we are now learning of some very harrowing incidents, especially that the (now 6yo) experienced. But when we hear the full story, we realize that she was in so much more danger if she had left before she did. It was a calculated move on her part. It's entirely possible that your sister was biding her time while she tried to form a plan.

How did I live myself, knowing the situation that my friend and her child were in? Well, first, by keeping my door open and letting her know that she had options, as mentioned above. Second, by giving that child as much positive attention as I could when I could (read: when I had access to him, which was tightly controlled by the father). Third, by reminding myself of the abuse that others I know went through (for example, my own parents) and remembering that they were able to come through it.

When I examine the abuse of others' that I know about, people who are grown adults now, so that I can see how and where it has rippled through their lives, I see that the people who kept it like a family secret are the ones who are still suffering. I see that the ones who became brave enough to speak their truths, to expose it all to sunlight, have been able to move on the best.

This is what made me vow to never ever ever have family secrets with my own kids. Sometimes my littles ask me things where the truth is painful to admit, but I realize I must tell them the truth from the get-go, so that they will always be able to trust me, but more importantly so that they will learn to trust their own instincts.

This is how you can help your sister's kids the best. Be the one person who will always tell them the truth, not too bluntly but not sugar-coated either. Tell them, at appropriate times, that what they went through was not okay, was not fair, was not normal. Keep letting them ask questions. If they talk about a particular incident, ask them how it should have gone as opposed to how it did go and then talk about that, so they can start to develop a model of normal healthy adult behavior.

I don't know what to say about your relationship with your sister except try not to be too hard on her. She was doing the best she could in the situation. Living with abuse often means living with your own depression, for a start. Your abuser keeps you off-kilter and sometimes it's hard to trust yourself to make a good decision or to know what the right decision is (an example; in the case of my friend, her husband deliberately kept her sleep-deprived for months, maybe longer really, which really hampered her ability to make her plans. She was literally living day-to-day, just trying to get by, because she was too tired to do much more). Plus it's embarrassing to have to admit that you made such a huge error in judgement as to tie yourself to this awful person, and that's before you take into account whatever other dynamics exist in the relationship between herself and her parents or her and you. When you're in an abusive situation you pretty much expect to be victim-blamed or at least judged for your error, so it can be hard to ask for help.

As much as you can, comfort in and dump out.
posted by vignettist at 1:37 PM on May 30, 2017 [15 favorites]


Yes, children can heal from early childhood abuse. I'm not saying it's easy, and it is an ongoing process, but there is wholeness and happiness after those experiences. Here's the thing - research is increasingly showing that trauma actually rewires our brains. Early childhood trauma may cause brain development to be a little wonky. For example, because I was abandoned (multiple times, in big dramatic ways) as a young child, I still get a little nervous when my spouse isn't in eyeshot in certain situations. I can tell myself that the panic is because my brain is wired to expect him to really not be there, but that's not current reality, and can thus cope with what is a neurological or psychological expectation from learned experience. Sorry for the long explanation, what I'm trying to say is that you can't expect an abuse survivor, especially an abused child, to respond to many situations the sane way a non-abused person would. We're wired different. So what might seem like a small deal to you may be an enormous problem for them, because their brain is wired to expect a different response than others. (It's physiological too - I was routinely starved and am just now understanding the impact that had on my metabolism.)

What you can do is be consistent and self aware in your relationships with them. Be kind, gentle, and honest. Please try to recognize how they respond in situations, because if you can help by not triggering, by allowing them to overreact without you overreacting to them, and then teach them how to deal better without judgement, that would be an incredible gift to them. Validation goes a long way, in part because it allows room for there to be a norm other than what they previously experienced.

Another hugely important thing is for you to NOT FEEL GUILTY! And while I do say that for you, I say it more so for the kids. Your guilt can get in the way of you having a genuine relationship with them, be causing you to cut off some parts of yourself with them, or other ways it can affect your behavior (in my case, that guilt drove my caretaker to drink, which caused as many or more issues for me.) It's awesome that you are willing to accept responsibility, but let it be responsibility for your shared future.

You're allowed to be angry about the whole situation and I applaud your self awareness in how this relates to your feelings of anger toward your sister. You're a victim too, not to the extent that your sister and her children are, but you are entitled to your feelings about all this too. Keep talking about it, but maybe not with her about this aspect. ;)
posted by AliceBlue at 2:06 PM on May 30, 2017 [6 favorites]


I'd like to add - your sister is also a victim. That's how she allowed this to happen to her kids. He hurt and manipulated her by hurting her kids. He controlled her by hurting them. It's also possible that he either hid some of it from her, or gaslit her into not seeing it for what it was. He may have even convinced her that the only way to stay with the kids was to stay with him. My mother will still, almost 40 years on, not accept that my father didn't know what his 2nd wife was doing to me, but believe me, that woman was a pro. He knew things weren't perfect, but she really did hide the worst of it from him. So you're absolutely right: be mad, but not at your sister.
posted by AliceBlue at 2:18 PM on May 30, 2017 [3 favorites]


As the person lving with an abuser, she had the most information about when it was safe to leave. If she had attempted to leave earlier he may have hunted her and the children down and killed them, as well as anyone involved in offering them safe harbour. There is actually very little protection for spouses and children from abusers, both legally and logistically. She may have also been very concerned that by involving her family that you would be a target for his violence and not able to carry the guilt if you were killed. Trust that she handled a very dangerous situation as well as she could and that 100% of the blame for the abuse is on him.
posted by saucysault at 6:02 PM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]


Watching Big Little Lies really opened my eyes to why women stay in abusive relationships. I thought that story was so well told. The Nicole Kidman character didn't even realize she was in one for a long time, I wasn't even sure as the viewer that she was and I saw him hit her. I could see why people get sucked in to that dynamic and how confusing it was what was really happening and who was to blame and whether she kind of liked it or not. It's worth watching if you want to get a better insight I think.
posted by fshgrl at 6:35 PM on May 30, 2017


Well developed hindsight is a cruel talent. You suspected that your sister was living in an abusive situation, but your suspicions were not well-formed. Looking back you see that perhaps you should have followed the bread crumbs.

I married into a family in which one of the daughters was married to an abuser. By the time I arrived she had left him, but the damage had already been done, both to her and to her two daughters. As the situation became clearer to me, I developed hard feelings for her siblings and parents for not doing anything about it. When I say hard feelings I guess I mean barely containable rage. Three lives endured misery for years at the hands of this asshole, and the damage has been carried forward to her children's children.

Maybe you are hard on yourself for not following the bread crumbs, or hard on you sister for not simply walking away. As others have suggested here, you may be using hindsight to sort of make up a wish list of "right things to do." What you can take away from this experience is a heightened awareness of abusive relationships. Even so, deciding to step into the relationship of another person carries a huge responsibility, because you will change your relationship to every person involved, without any assurance that your intervention will produce a positive outcome.

The past is simply academic. Learn what you can from it.

But, now you can be a good aunt to your sister's children, and a good sister to her. Take her lead in the way you deal with the kids. You don't have to be a counselor to be a loving aunt. Aunts and uncles are supposed to sing the praises of the kids parents. Enjoy your nephew and niece, and show by example that a loving family is always available to them, no matter what comes.
posted by mule98J at 11:39 AM on May 31, 2017


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