Teens, Identity, and Mental Health
May 29, 2017 9:37 AM Subscribe
My 14-year-old is going through a period of intense self-reflection and self-discovery, which is normal and great. However some of the identities he is adopting are not so great, and are increasingly concerning. How do I differentiate between normal teenage personal exploration and associated drama versus actual mental illness?
In the past 6 months, my teen has indicated to me that he is:
For the FtM stuff, he has a therapist that specializes in gender issues and is being followed by a specialized pediatric gender/ endocrinology practice at a major academic medical center near us. He is mostly socially transitioned (name, pronouns, clothes, haircut, etc.) He is interested in taking cross-sex hormones and says he is very dysphoric, but he has unrealistic expectations for hormones, and often dresses in a more feminine way (headbands & bows, occasional dresses - he has a full wardrobe of boys' clothes, so it isn't a matter of him not having clothing coded to the preferred gender). I'm not a gender essentialist, but that behavior doesn't line up with someone who is claiming extreme dysphoria and distress about being AFAB.
The schizophrenia thing came up after he had a scary experience late one night triggered by a scary youtube video. He described himself as being frozen, catatonic, not recognizing himself in the bathroom mirror, feeling like things were unreal, and feeling like there were voices in his head with distinct identities. He calmed down by watching other (non-scary) youtube videos. This is the first time anything like that happened to him. He has taken a bunch of online schizophrenia screeners and decided that's what he has. I have no doubt that it was a frightening experience, but this seems a bit like having a stomach ache, googling it, and deciding you have cancer.
At this point it's a new thing every month or so, and it is a little exhausting as a parent. It feels like he wants to be "different" from everyone else, or feels he IS different and is looking for an identity marker which will clearly signify difference. I was similar as a teen, but didn't choose such dramatic markers.
How can I avoid negating his feelings and experiences while redirecting him away from some of these more extreme identities? How can I encourage him to embrace his skills and abilities as differentiators rather than adopting these "outsider" identities? Or, alternatively, how do I determine if there is really A Problem that Needs Attention versus regular teen exploration/drama that I can just monitor and let blow over? If you had teens with similar experiences, what did you do and how did that turn out?
In the past 6 months, my teen has indicated to me that he is:
- FtM transgender
- a furry
- pagan
- schizophrenic
For the FtM stuff, he has a therapist that specializes in gender issues and is being followed by a specialized pediatric gender/ endocrinology practice at a major academic medical center near us. He is mostly socially transitioned (name, pronouns, clothes, haircut, etc.) He is interested in taking cross-sex hormones and says he is very dysphoric, but he has unrealistic expectations for hormones, and often dresses in a more feminine way (headbands & bows, occasional dresses - he has a full wardrobe of boys' clothes, so it isn't a matter of him not having clothing coded to the preferred gender). I'm not a gender essentialist, but that behavior doesn't line up with someone who is claiming extreme dysphoria and distress about being AFAB.
The schizophrenia thing came up after he had a scary experience late one night triggered by a scary youtube video. He described himself as being frozen, catatonic, not recognizing himself in the bathroom mirror, feeling like things were unreal, and feeling like there were voices in his head with distinct identities. He calmed down by watching other (non-scary) youtube videos. This is the first time anything like that happened to him. He has taken a bunch of online schizophrenia screeners and decided that's what he has. I have no doubt that it was a frightening experience, but this seems a bit like having a stomach ache, googling it, and deciding you have cancer.
At this point it's a new thing every month or so, and it is a little exhausting as a parent. It feels like he wants to be "different" from everyone else, or feels he IS different and is looking for an identity marker which will clearly signify difference. I was similar as a teen, but didn't choose such dramatic markers.
How can I avoid negating his feelings and experiences while redirecting him away from some of these more extreme identities? How can I encourage him to embrace his skills and abilities as differentiators rather than adopting these "outsider" identities? Or, alternatively, how do I determine if there is really A Problem that Needs Attention versus regular teen exploration/drama that I can just monitor and let blow over? If you had teens with similar experiences, what did you do and how did that turn out?
The average onset of schizophrenia for people who are assigned female at birth is 25, so it's very, very unlikely that your teenager is suffering with this. Facts are your friend here.
If your kid is not actively hurting himself or others, I think exploring outsider identities is totally fine. There's nothing wrong with exploring being a furry or a pagan, and it seems like you have the medical stuff regarding gender transition covered. I totally agree with yes I said yes I will Yes above that you are doing a fine job.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:12 AM on May 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
If your kid is not actively hurting himself or others, I think exploring outsider identities is totally fine. There's nothing wrong with exploring being a furry or a pagan, and it seems like you have the medical stuff regarding gender transition covered. I totally agree with yes I said yes I will Yes above that you are doing a fine job.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:12 AM on May 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Looking at your posting history, is your child's therapist also addressing general trauma stuff? Losing a parent is (obviously) traumatic, and the scary experience he had in the mirror could be trauma-based. Some of the bouncing around among identities can be a common reaction to a major loss or trauma too (not at all to say that trauma is the cause of being trans, but might be playing into how the identity questions are playing out with him). I would rather hope that a therapist who specializes in gender issues also has training and experience with trauma, given the overlap that often happens, so maybe checking in with the therapist for their take?
posted by lazuli at 10:14 AM on May 29, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 10:14 AM on May 29, 2017 [11 favorites]
often dresses in a more feminine way (headbands & bows, occasional dresses - he has a full wardrobe of boys' clothes, so it isn't a matter of him not having clothing coded to the preferred gender). I'm not a gender essentialist, but that behavior doesn't line up with someone who is claiming extreme dysphoria and distress about being AFAB.
I can't speak to much of this, but I can speak to the trans part.
There are plenty of transmasculine people (both those who are men and those who are not) who present in "feminine" ways at least occasionally. A lot of people report feeling much freer to explore their gender presentation after coming out--if you're assumed to be a girl/woman and you're not, it can be very feel important, for example, to never wear dresses lest someone perceive you as feminine. But if people around you are properly acknowledging your gender, the stakes of wearing a dress or being feminine generally can be much lower. You're raising the stakes dramatically in this Ask, by suggesting it's a sign he's not "really" trans, but hopefully you're not actually doing that in your relationship to him.
posted by hoyland at 10:18 AM on May 29, 2017 [21 favorites]
I can't speak to much of this, but I can speak to the trans part.
There are plenty of transmasculine people (both those who are men and those who are not) who present in "feminine" ways at least occasionally. A lot of people report feeling much freer to explore their gender presentation after coming out--if you're assumed to be a girl/woman and you're not, it can be very feel important, for example, to never wear dresses lest someone perceive you as feminine. But if people around you are properly acknowledging your gender, the stakes of wearing a dress or being feminine generally can be much lower. You're raising the stakes dramatically in this Ask, by suggesting it's a sign he's not "really" trans, but hopefully you're not actually doing that in your relationship to him.
posted by hoyland at 10:18 AM on May 29, 2017 [21 favorites]
do not allow your child to make any permanent physical changes until they're 18
NO. A thousand times NO. Consult your child's doctors about what is an appropriate choice for him, don't believe some stranger on the internet who believe trans youth aren't harmed by being barred from medical transition.
posted by hoyland at 10:19 AM on May 29, 2017 [43 favorites]
NO. A thousand times NO. Consult your child's doctors about what is an appropriate choice for him, don't believe some stranger on the internet who believe trans youth aren't harmed by being barred from medical transition.
posted by hoyland at 10:19 AM on May 29, 2017 [43 favorites]
How can I avoid negating his feelings and experiences while redirecting him away from some of these more extreme identities? How can I encourage him to embrace his skills and abilities as differentiators rather than adopting these "outsider" identities?
My view would be that it's very unlikely that you should, doubtful that you can, and risky for you to try. Which is horribly difficult as a parent who loves their son and is desperate for them to be happy and safe, because you're probably going to worry about everything that he does, or is, which suggests even the most marginal or short-lived difficulty or risk.
Parents worry about their children, which is, in and of itself, a healthy thing. But, to put it bluntly, your worry is your problem, not your son's. You can express that worry honestly to your son, listen to his response, and accept it, but beyond that I don't think there's anything you should do.
What I'm not reading in your question is any suggestion that your son is doing anything dangerous. If he does something with a clear, practical and imminent danger, then your role as a parent does include protecting him from that or helping him to protect himself from that. Your role as a parent does not, however, include protecting him from who being who he is, or trying to find out who he might be.
posted by howfar at 10:20 AM on May 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
My view would be that it's very unlikely that you should, doubtful that you can, and risky for you to try. Which is horribly difficult as a parent who loves their son and is desperate for them to be happy and safe, because you're probably going to worry about everything that he does, or is, which suggests even the most marginal or short-lived difficulty or risk.
Parents worry about their children, which is, in and of itself, a healthy thing. But, to put it bluntly, your worry is your problem, not your son's. You can express that worry honestly to your son, listen to his response, and accept it, but beyond that I don't think there's anything you should do.
What I'm not reading in your question is any suggestion that your son is doing anything dangerous. If he does something with a clear, practical and imminent danger, then your role as a parent does include protecting him from that or helping him to protect himself from that. Your role as a parent does not, however, include protecting him from who being who he is, or trying to find out who he might be.
posted by howfar at 10:20 AM on May 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm afraid I have to contradict roomthreeseventeen as a mental health professional. Schizophrenia is relatively rare for teen onset, but that base rate certainly changes if there's been a major hallucinatory episode. Hallucinations in childhood are more common than we think, but they are still not common. I wouldn't rely on the idea that schizophrenia is impossible or even unlikely under 25 given what you've described. I assume your child's therapist is very aware of all of this.
posted by namesarehard at 10:36 AM on May 29, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by namesarehard at 10:36 AM on May 29, 2017 [7 favorites]
>It feels like he wants to be "different" from everyone else, or feels he IS different and is looking for an identity marker which will clearly signify difference.
Just on this piece - how is he being treated by peers? Does he get along well with others, is he accepted for who he is, or are the kids around him as vicious as I've seen some others in that rough age group be? Could *part* of it be that he's saying, "screw it, if people are telling me I'm ____, I'll at least be ____ on my terms"? (Along with dealing with maybe other trauma and grief).
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:48 AM on May 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
Just on this piece - how is he being treated by peers? Does he get along well with others, is he accepted for who he is, or are the kids around him as vicious as I've seen some others in that rough age group be? Could *part* of it be that he's saying, "screw it, if people are telling me I'm ____, I'll at least be ____ on my terms"? (Along with dealing with maybe other trauma and grief).
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:48 AM on May 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
I can't speak to most of these issues, but: Most responsible elders in the Pagan community will refuse to teach or mentor minors without explicit approval from the parent(s). If your son is interested in making contacts in the Pagan community, your support and guidance is probably critical in making those contacts. If it's something he's interested in, linking in to the community could serve as a stabilizing influence.
posted by heatherlogan at 11:11 AM on May 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by heatherlogan at 11:11 AM on May 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Consult your child's doctors about what is an appropriate choice for him, don't believe some stranger on the internet who believe trans youth aren't harmed by being barred from medical transition.
Yeah, I appreciate this clarification. If your child wants to make permanent physical changes, support them with a qualified team of professionals who have specific experience working with people under the age of 18.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:12 AM on May 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I appreciate this clarification. If your child wants to make permanent physical changes, support them with a qualified team of professionals who have specific experience working with people under the age of 18.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:12 AM on May 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
Oh also (I realize I said lastly twice) as much as you can, encourage your kid to explore these worlds in person as much as they can. It's been my experience both personally and professionally that it's far too easy for teens to get sucked in to virtual worlds. In and of themselves, virtual communities can be positive and supportive but they can also become a rabbit hole, especially for teens. Chances are highly likely your kid can find people IRL with similar interests.
Professionally speaking, I work with a handful of kids who have very strong ties to online communities. Within their online communities, they befriend others who purport to have no local friends/support; kids who maintain everyone in their town is a closeminded jerk. My students are kind and empathetic and end up feeling like they're betraying their online buddies if they continue to have social ties locally. So in school, they become disconnected and over time they've all tended to adopt a "me vs. them" mindset, and they become very angry and resistant to simply making friends with or being positive toward perfectly nice kids.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:46 AM on May 29, 2017 [16 favorites]
Professionally speaking, I work with a handful of kids who have very strong ties to online communities. Within their online communities, they befriend others who purport to have no local friends/support; kids who maintain everyone in their town is a closeminded jerk. My students are kind and empathetic and end up feeling like they're betraying their online buddies if they continue to have social ties locally. So in school, they become disconnected and over time they've all tended to adopt a "me vs. them" mindset, and they become very angry and resistant to simply making friends with or being positive toward perfectly nice kids.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 11:46 AM on May 29, 2017 [16 favorites]
I should clarify that when I say "the community" I mean the real live in-person community, not random strangers on the internet!
posted by heatherlogan at 12:05 PM on May 29, 2017
posted by heatherlogan at 12:05 PM on May 29, 2017
Here's a distinction I sometimes find useful. Everyone is the best authority on their own thoughts and feelings. Sometimes people don't know best what to do about their thoughts and feelings — but they know better than anyone else what those thoughts and feelings are.
If your son says he is dysphoric, believe him. It is okay to consult an expert about what to do about that dysphoria. (But for what it's worth, medical and scientific consensus these days is that puberty blockers and HRT are the only real treatment for dysphoria, and that they are incredibly effective at treating dysphoria even for people who don't get every last result they're hoping for. The expert advice you get, if you consult a gender therapist who keeps up with the current standards of care, is very likely to be "Yeah, get this kid on blockers ASAP" at the very least.)
If your son says he likes dresses sometimes, believe him. It is okay to consult an expert about what to do about the fact that he likes dresses. (But for what it's worth, the consensus here is even stronger than it is on HRT. There is overwhelming evidence that it is totally healthy for trans or cis boys to wear women's clothing sometimes. And the current standards of care are very clear that trans people whose gender presentation isn't 100% stereotypically masculine or feminine still benefit from hormonal transition.)
If your son says he's heard voices, experienced catatonia and depersonalization, etc, believe him. It would be good to consult an expert about how to treat those symptoms. (On this one, I have no idea what those experts will say. There are a lot of factors that go into a psych diagnosis, and psychiatric self-diagnosis is notoriously unreliable. He might be schizophrenic. He might have PTSD or a dissociative disorder or something else entirely. He might have had a weird one-off experience. But please, please believe him that these symptoms did occur, and get him to an expert who can give good advice on treatment.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:26 PM on May 29, 2017 [17 favorites]
If your son says he is dysphoric, believe him. It is okay to consult an expert about what to do about that dysphoria. (But for what it's worth, medical and scientific consensus these days is that puberty blockers and HRT are the only real treatment for dysphoria, and that they are incredibly effective at treating dysphoria even for people who don't get every last result they're hoping for. The expert advice you get, if you consult a gender therapist who keeps up with the current standards of care, is very likely to be "Yeah, get this kid on blockers ASAP" at the very least.)
If your son says he likes dresses sometimes, believe him. It is okay to consult an expert about what to do about the fact that he likes dresses. (But for what it's worth, the consensus here is even stronger than it is on HRT. There is overwhelming evidence that it is totally healthy for trans or cis boys to wear women's clothing sometimes. And the current standards of care are very clear that trans people whose gender presentation isn't 100% stereotypically masculine or feminine still benefit from hormonal transition.)
If your son says he's heard voices, experienced catatonia and depersonalization, etc, believe him. It would be good to consult an expert about how to treat those symptoms. (On this one, I have no idea what those experts will say. There are a lot of factors that go into a psych diagnosis, and psychiatric self-diagnosis is notoriously unreliable. He might be schizophrenic. He might have PTSD or a dissociative disorder or something else entirely. He might have had a weird one-off experience. But please, please believe him that these symptoms did occur, and get him to an expert who can give good advice on treatment.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:26 PM on May 29, 2017 [17 favorites]
Also: It is very common for people who are outside the mainstream in serious, painful, stigmatized ways to adopt more "acceptable" fringe identities too, and to go public with those "acceptable" identities first. Lots of trans people come out as gay first, regardless of who they're actually attracted to, because being gay is more acceptable than being trans. Lots of mentally ill people get into goth or emo or whatever the modern equivalent is first, maybe partly because they like the music, but partly too because "I love dark music" is more acceptable than "I hear voices" or "I think obsessively about killing myself."
And, more relevant to your son's case, lots of trans, gender-nonconforming, and mentally ill people gravitate towards the pagan and furry communities. Sometimes this comes from a place of sincere personal identification and belief. Sometimes it just happens because pagans and furries are generally accepting and chill about people who are exploring tough issues. Sometimes it's even as simple as "Eh, I'm honestly not even religious, but telling my mom I'm pagan will shock her in a small way, and that will help me gauge how she'll react when I shock her in a big way by telling her I'm trans."
This can make it look like someone is "trying on" more and more shocking identities, and invite the assumption that they're just escalating at random and telling bigger and bigger fibs to get a reaction. In fact, it's more likely that the opposite is happening: they are fumbling their way towards some big difficult truths, and each subsequent revelation is more accurate or more important to them than the ones before.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:53 PM on May 29, 2017 [32 favorites]
And, more relevant to your son's case, lots of trans, gender-nonconforming, and mentally ill people gravitate towards the pagan and furry communities. Sometimes this comes from a place of sincere personal identification and belief. Sometimes it just happens because pagans and furries are generally accepting and chill about people who are exploring tough issues. Sometimes it's even as simple as "Eh, I'm honestly not even religious, but telling my mom I'm pagan will shock her in a small way, and that will help me gauge how she'll react when I shock her in a big way by telling her I'm trans."
This can make it look like someone is "trying on" more and more shocking identities, and invite the assumption that they're just escalating at random and telling bigger and bigger fibs to get a reaction. In fact, it's more likely that the opposite is happening: they are fumbling their way towards some big difficult truths, and each subsequent revelation is more accurate or more important to them than the ones before.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:53 PM on May 29, 2017 [32 favorites]
"He described himself as being frozen, catatonic, not recognizing himself in the bathroom mirror, feeling like things were unreal...."
I cannot speak to your concerns in any depth, but I will jump in to say that staring intently at your own face in a mirror for several minutes can itself produce unusual visual effects. A friend and I used to do this for kicks in high school, and I recall my facial features appearing to shift and coalesce in ways that sometimes made the face in the mirror completely unrecognizable (and occasionally terrifying).
I don't mean to discredit your child's experience, but your description of his catatonic state in front of the mirror reminded me of our deliberate technique for achieving this effect.
posted by baseballpajamas at 1:09 PM on May 29, 2017 [12 favorites]
I cannot speak to your concerns in any depth, but I will jump in to say that staring intently at your own face in a mirror for several minutes can itself produce unusual visual effects. A friend and I used to do this for kicks in high school, and I recall my facial features appearing to shift and coalesce in ways that sometimes made the face in the mirror completely unrecognizable (and occasionally terrifying).
I don't mean to discredit your child's experience, but your description of his catatonic state in front of the mirror reminded me of our deliberate technique for achieving this effect.
posted by baseballpajamas at 1:09 PM on May 29, 2017 [12 favorites]
Does he have any young adults in his life who he respects and who you are in communication with? Like an older cousin, an alumni of a program he's in, an active member of a community he identifies with?
It's important for teens to have people like this they can go to for things as they work through separating themselves from their parents in that natural teen way, and even more important for kids like yours who are grappling with complicated internal things with no clear solutions. But these mentor type people also give parents a break! Can you encourage a relationship like this in your son's life? This also begins the process of building up support and community for him which is vital for stuff like emotional grounding, being autonomous about asking for help, and just not feeling alone. Be free with your contact info and that you have no interest in punishing your kid, spying on him, or keeping him from safely exploring interesting things, and you might be surprised at who reaches out to you.
The femme touches to his general style is normal and absolutely does not invalidate his gender identity. Any teen goes through a million style choices and this is only any different because he sees gender presentation from a different angle than most. He could also be genderfluid and have girl days, but unless he tells you this clearly then that isn't what's happening. Clothes do not have an inherent gender and frankly it's great that he feels comfortable and safe enough to explore that in front of you.
As for the mirror scare thing, don't discount his self diagnosis entirely, but it sounds a lot like night terrors and sleep paralysis, which can also happen alongside sleepwalking. It is extremely scary and often triggered by anxiety and then it causes more anxiety... Consider talking with a sleep specialist.
posted by Mizu at 1:21 PM on May 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
It's important for teens to have people like this they can go to for things as they work through separating themselves from their parents in that natural teen way, and even more important for kids like yours who are grappling with complicated internal things with no clear solutions. But these mentor type people also give parents a break! Can you encourage a relationship like this in your son's life? This also begins the process of building up support and community for him which is vital for stuff like emotional grounding, being autonomous about asking for help, and just not feeling alone. Be free with your contact info and that you have no interest in punishing your kid, spying on him, or keeping him from safely exploring interesting things, and you might be surprised at who reaches out to you.
The femme touches to his general style is normal and absolutely does not invalidate his gender identity. Any teen goes through a million style choices and this is only any different because he sees gender presentation from a different angle than most. He could also be genderfluid and have girl days, but unless he tells you this clearly then that isn't what's happening. Clothes do not have an inherent gender and frankly it's great that he feels comfortable and safe enough to explore that in front of you.
As for the mirror scare thing, don't discount his self diagnosis entirely, but it sounds a lot like night terrors and sleep paralysis, which can also happen alongside sleepwalking. It is extremely scary and often triggered by anxiety and then it causes more anxiety... Consider talking with a sleep specialist.
posted by Mizu at 1:21 PM on May 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
I cannot speak to your concerns in any depth, but I will jump in to say that staring intently at your own face in a mirror for several minutes can itself produce unusual visual effects.
This is a real thing. Can confirm it's absolutely freaky as hell, and feels more like a full-bore hallucination than an optical illusion.
posted by theodolite at 5:03 PM on May 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
This is a real thing. Can confirm it's absolutely freaky as hell, and feels more like a full-bore hallucination than an optical illusion.
posted by theodolite at 5:03 PM on May 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
I would figure out who comes to his computer, what adults may be coaching him. There are creepy adults who troll for kids, and hope to get involved and be besties, and these folks are not necessarily sane, or stable, or helpful. In fact destabilizing and creating drama is one way outsider adults might be able to create a necessity for irl contact. I would say, your kid needs some help in accepting himself as OK however he is, and find him something creative to do, that will help him learn to conceive of, plan, create, design, produce, give him the gift of his able hands. I wish you luck with him, and I wish him luck with himself.
I remember my friends and I reveled in being flipped out for a good long while in high school, I think we called ourselves the Schizo Ring, and then we finally got bored with that, and got to living.
posted by Oyéah at 7:50 PM on May 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
I remember my friends and I reveled in being flipped out for a good long while in high school, I think we called ourselves the Schizo Ring, and then we finally got bored with that, and got to living.
posted by Oyéah at 7:50 PM on May 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Nthing that wearing "feminine" clothing is normal and nothing to worry about, and certainly doesn't invalidate his identity. I know more trans men (or adjacent people) who play around with that kind of thing than not.
The only concerning thing here is the schizophrenia self diagnosis, which obviously you will want to consult a professional about. The rest is just a person being a person and figuring things out.
posted by bizarrenacle at 8:52 PM on May 29, 2017
The only concerning thing here is the schizophrenia self diagnosis, which obviously you will want to consult a professional about. The rest is just a person being a person and figuring things out.
posted by bizarrenacle at 8:52 PM on May 29, 2017
Everyone else has given very good advice, I just want to address the last bit (dissociative experience brought on by watching a scary video). There are way too many things this could be, from the harmless (I think it is not unusual to feel a bit off-kilter after having been completely immersed in a mind-bending piece of media) to conditions that aren't fun but don't require treatment (sleep paralysis) to more serious mental health conditions that might well benefit from treatment, or at the very least consultation with a mental health professional (Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, possibly even schizophrenia). I understand that he has a therapist who is working with him on the gender thing, it may be worth finding someone who has a more general view or has specialised differently.
I know that you know it is really risky to self-diagnose from the internet, even more so from online quizzes. I would suggest the line to take with him is to emphasise that it sounds like a really unsettling and scary experience and merits taking seriously by getting it checked out by someone who has a lot more knowledge and experience with various mental health conditions. That way you're validating his experience, but also being realistic and responsible.
posted by Athanassiel at 1:26 AM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
I know that you know it is really risky to self-diagnose from the internet, even more so from online quizzes. I would suggest the line to take with him is to emphasise that it sounds like a really unsettling and scary experience and merits taking seriously by getting it checked out by someone who has a lot more knowledge and experience with various mental health conditions. That way you're validating his experience, but also being realistic and responsible.
posted by Athanassiel at 1:26 AM on May 30, 2017 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you guys have had a pretty hard year. Does your son have a regular psychologist in addition to his gender therapist? I ask because I think you need more professional help to sort out what is just normal teenage experimenting and what is mental illness and/or a kid trying to process trauma in the only ways he knows how.
To me, a lay person, your son's disassociative episode sounds like the equivalent of really bad stomach pain that doesn't go away for 24 hours: it might be nothing but bad gas or a 24-stomach bug, but it also might be a real serious problem, and the best way to figure out what is going on is to go see a doctor who has trained for years so that they can figure out which one it is.
posted by colfax at 3:57 AM on May 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
To me, a lay person, your son's disassociative episode sounds like the equivalent of really bad stomach pain that doesn't go away for 24 hours: it might be nothing but bad gas or a 24-stomach bug, but it also might be a real serious problem, and the best way to figure out what is going on is to go see a doctor who has trained for years so that they can figure out which one it is.
posted by colfax at 3:57 AM on May 30, 2017 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're worried, but I think you're trying to hard to 'help' or 'fix' whatever's wrong. Maybe you need to be a little more patient. Because you say this:
"Overall he's an engaged, pleasant kid with friends, decent grades, liked by his teachers, and shows strong interest in his favorite activities (theater, art, video games)."
Great! Sounds like he's doing awesome. But then you want to do this:
How can I avoid negating his feelings and experiences while redirecting him away from some of these more extreme identities? How can I encourage him to embrace his skills and abilities as differentiators rather than adopting these "outsider" identities?
He's a teen and he's struggling with some huge feelings and problems that he doesn't have any previous experience with, and neither do you. He's experimenting with different labels to see what helps him live his life. He will figure it out, whether it's schizophrenia or not, furries or not. Be patient, and DON'T try to 'redirect' him away from 'extreme' identities, that will just end up with him shutting you out because he'll think you care more about making him 'normal' than helping him be happy. I know, because I was that teen, and my mom made the wrong decision.
One thing that might help to calm your nerves re: the hallucinations: they can be caused by a bout of severe sleep deprivation caused by anxiety, or by severe depression. I have personal experience here — I heard voices muttering in my head, sometimes screaming at me, for YEARS. Sometimes full on hallucinations in all my senses, along with derealization/depersonalization. Teens to mid-twenties, but I never told anybody. It was depression, it's fixed now and hasn't happened in years.
Depression in his case is totally understandable if he's in the middle of transitioning — he's likely dealing with a lot of harassment and difficulties, even if he isn't telling you and seems 'fine' at school. If he's still functioning in life, probably the depression is in the earlier stages so that's good. Make sure he has good, understanding mental health support beyond just his transition needs and then just wait for him to figure it out.
It could be that he's struggling with something you haven't considered — I mean, besides being trans — the fact that he's out and transitioning but still trying on a bunch of identities means that being trans isn't the entirety of what he's dealing with. Don't rush it. In my case it was autism that was undiagnosed and untreated but causing me a lot of social and sensory conflicts. It could be it's something that's common but very hard to come to terms with, like childhood sexual assault (NOT saying that's what it is, it's just one example — definitely don't grill him about it!). Watch Perks of Being a Wallflower, that was an extremely vivid recreation of what depersonalization/voices felt like to me. I'm going to spoil the twist ending for you: it was because the kid was sexually abused by a family member.
Just provide nonjudgemental support and make sure he has plenty of opportunities to hang out in-person with other 'weird' kids — Wallflower shows the importance of those bonds to calming and coming to terms with things. Bonding with other kids like me was definitely the most helpful thing in my difficult years because it made me feel much more whole, more able to cope with my challenges.
posted by it's FuriOsa, not FurioSA at 8:15 AM on May 30, 2017
"Overall he's an engaged, pleasant kid with friends, decent grades, liked by his teachers, and shows strong interest in his favorite activities (theater, art, video games)."
Great! Sounds like he's doing awesome. But then you want to do this:
How can I avoid negating his feelings and experiences while redirecting him away from some of these more extreme identities? How can I encourage him to embrace his skills and abilities as differentiators rather than adopting these "outsider" identities?
He's a teen and he's struggling with some huge feelings and problems that he doesn't have any previous experience with, and neither do you. He's experimenting with different labels to see what helps him live his life. He will figure it out, whether it's schizophrenia or not, furries or not. Be patient, and DON'T try to 'redirect' him away from 'extreme' identities, that will just end up with him shutting you out because he'll think you care more about making him 'normal' than helping him be happy. I know, because I was that teen, and my mom made the wrong decision.
One thing that might help to calm your nerves re: the hallucinations: they can be caused by a bout of severe sleep deprivation caused by anxiety, or by severe depression. I have personal experience here — I heard voices muttering in my head, sometimes screaming at me, for YEARS. Sometimes full on hallucinations in all my senses, along with derealization/depersonalization. Teens to mid-twenties, but I never told anybody. It was depression, it's fixed now and hasn't happened in years.
Depression in his case is totally understandable if he's in the middle of transitioning — he's likely dealing with a lot of harassment and difficulties, even if he isn't telling you and seems 'fine' at school. If he's still functioning in life, probably the depression is in the earlier stages so that's good. Make sure he has good, understanding mental health support beyond just his transition needs and then just wait for him to figure it out.
It could be that he's struggling with something you haven't considered — I mean, besides being trans — the fact that he's out and transitioning but still trying on a bunch of identities means that being trans isn't the entirety of what he's dealing with. Don't rush it. In my case it was autism that was undiagnosed and untreated but causing me a lot of social and sensory conflicts. It could be it's something that's common but very hard to come to terms with, like childhood sexual assault (NOT saying that's what it is, it's just one example — definitely don't grill him about it!). Watch Perks of Being a Wallflower, that was an extremely vivid recreation of what depersonalization/voices felt like to me. I'm going to spoil the twist ending for you: it was because the kid was sexually abused by a family member.
Just provide nonjudgemental support and make sure he has plenty of opportunities to hang out in-person with other 'weird' kids — Wallflower shows the importance of those bonds to calming and coming to terms with things. Bonding with other kids like me was definitely the most helpful thing in my difficult years because it made me feel much more whole, more able to cope with my challenges.
posted by it's FuriOsa, not FurioSA at 8:15 AM on May 30, 2017
Within the last year your household has dramatically changed. You lost your husband. Your son lost his father. Your son, following a short time after that death, came forward with FtM and other identity circumstances. Every whim is being met head on by you and it is awesome that this is occurring... for your son. It is less awesome for you.
In a way, these fluctuations are distracting both of you from grieving, which can take quite a long time to process. I almost see a power imbalance here, where your son is now calling the shots in the household, emotionally speaking. To the point of exhaustion as you attempt to keep up. Do you feel that imbalance yourself? You can give too much in a parent-child relationship... at some point, the boundary has to be set. The weekly crises of what new avenue is being explored... maybe it's mania, not schizophrenia. Maybe it's your son's own way of processing the grief that he fails to acknowledge. Maybe it should be a bit troubling to a therapist of any specialization that your son feels no grief at all towards the death of a parent and should dig deeper into that?Maybe it's time you both do individual and group therapy to explore a lot of this out in the open with other families and other transfolk and... maybe more involvement into what is occurring online. Monitored usage, open communication about conversations had online with friends, and so on. Maybe even get to know some of those close online friends... not in person, necessarily, but where you can talk to your son about what so-and-so is up to or drew recently or whatever.
You have a tough road here. I just hope you are getting all the support you personally need and can discuss options of boundaries and grief with aforementioned family therapist. I think it'd do a world of good.
posted by missh at 1:52 PM on May 30, 2017
In a way, these fluctuations are distracting both of you from grieving, which can take quite a long time to process. I almost see a power imbalance here, where your son is now calling the shots in the household, emotionally speaking. To the point of exhaustion as you attempt to keep up. Do you feel that imbalance yourself? You can give too much in a parent-child relationship... at some point, the boundary has to be set. The weekly crises of what new avenue is being explored... maybe it's mania, not schizophrenia. Maybe it's your son's own way of processing the grief that he fails to acknowledge. Maybe it should be a bit troubling to a therapist of any specialization that your son feels no grief at all towards the death of a parent and should dig deeper into that?Maybe it's time you both do individual and group therapy to explore a lot of this out in the open with other families and other transfolk and... maybe more involvement into what is occurring online. Monitored usage, open communication about conversations had online with friends, and so on. Maybe even get to know some of those close online friends... not in person, necessarily, but where you can talk to your son about what so-and-so is up to or drew recently or whatever.
You have a tough road here. I just hope you are getting all the support you personally need and can discuss options of boundaries and grief with aforementioned family therapist. I think it'd do a world of good.
posted by missh at 1:52 PM on May 30, 2017
echoing hoyland and nebulawindphone on the trans stuff. Two out of three of my trans male BFFs paint their fingernails and dye their hair pink and purple. It's really common, and I feel like the weird one in my local community for wearing baseball caps and flannel shirts.
When I was a teen I didn't know it was possible to be FTM and I went through all kinds of identity shifts as a result, trying to find something that feels right. None of it involved drugs or permanent harm, so my parents largely let me do what I wanted. I don't see how being a furry or pagan is "extreme." Being trans is only "extreme" because it's viewed that way by others. I think the most important thing is having an open channel with him, and keeping him in therapy.
(I also very strongly agree with hoyland that you should not force him to wait until 18 to access medical treatment. This could permanently damage him and even kill him. You've no idea how many suicidal trans teens I've run across.)
posted by AFABulous at 3:55 PM on May 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
When I was a teen I didn't know it was possible to be FTM and I went through all kinds of identity shifts as a result, trying to find something that feels right. None of it involved drugs or permanent harm, so my parents largely let me do what I wanted. I don't see how being a furry or pagan is "extreme." Being trans is only "extreme" because it's viewed that way by others. I think the most important thing is having an open channel with him, and keeping him in therapy.
(I also very strongly agree with hoyland that you should not force him to wait until 18 to access medical treatment. This could permanently damage him and even kill him. You've no idea how many suicidal trans teens I've run across.)
posted by AFABulous at 3:55 PM on May 30, 2017 [3 favorites]
I think everyone else has made some really good points, but there's something else that not many people have touched on. He lost his father. Did this ALL start after the loss? That's not to say that he isn't trans or pagan or any of the other identities. But he experienced A MAJOR loss and a MAJOR life change. If all of this came about after the loss that he doesn't seem to be mourning at all, that seems WAY too coincidental to ignore to me.
I question your assessment that he's not mourning or sad. Of course it's there, especially because he DOES seem to be struggling. He is a kid who's world was turned upside down, likely as he was already starting to confront some major changes in life. That's terrifying. It can take a world that seems predictable and safe and make it scary and unpredictable literally overnight.
I think it's important that you try and get to the root cause of what may be underlying this. Can you find someone else for him to talk to? It doesn't seem like he'd be opposed to it. It would need to be the right person, obviously. Not someone who would try to talk him out of these different identities.
On a further note--it's wonderful that he feels comfortable enough to tell you all of this. You're doing a good job. Keep it up.
posted by Amy93 at 4:46 PM on May 30, 2017 [4 favorites]
I question your assessment that he's not mourning or sad. Of course it's there, especially because he DOES seem to be struggling. He is a kid who's world was turned upside down, likely as he was already starting to confront some major changes in life. That's terrifying. It can take a world that seems predictable and safe and make it scary and unpredictable literally overnight.
I think it's important that you try and get to the root cause of what may be underlying this. Can you find someone else for him to talk to? It doesn't seem like he'd be opposed to it. It would need to be the right person, obviously. Not someone who would try to talk him out of these different identities.
On a further note--it's wonderful that he feels comfortable enough to tell you all of this. You're doing a good job. Keep it up.
posted by Amy93 at 4:46 PM on May 30, 2017 [4 favorites]
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I work with kids with all sorts of atypical behavioral and emotional wiring and I'm also a parent of three. So I've seen everything you're describing and you're exactly framing this right; walking that like between supportive and allowing for safe exploration and communication and also, wanting to sort of roll your eyes at yet another announcement of who your kid decides they are this week.
For the record, I am not minimizing your kid's feelings, but I totally know as a parent how wearying this can feel. In my experience, you just keep doing as you've been doing:
* be positive and supportive and accept what your child says
* do not allow your child to make any permanent physical changes until they're 18 (this is from years of experience working with kids who wanted to make permanent physical changes before 18, and once they were older they were really glad they didn't do those things)
* do a bit of research about whatever new scene your kid says they're into to increase your own comfort level
* continue to have conversations about being safe in all matters
Lastly, either you or the therapist or both of you need to have a very serious conversation about self-diagnosing mental illness. There's a world of difference between describing a scary moment and saying you have a mental illness.
Lastly, remember that kids this age sort out their identity in all sorts of ways and it's very serious stuff for them and of course as parents, it's completely exhausting to witness at times. Be sure you have a good support network, eat well and take care of yourself. Also, even though they're having all these changes, it's good to continue having rituals between you. For me and my kids, it's always Sunday Tea/Sunday Chinese takeout, we do Turkey Trot races and other stuff. Don't allow your kid's identity-seeking take over the family dynamic you want.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 10:11 AM on May 29, 2017 [20 favorites]