How to retrieve possessions from estranged parent?
May 29, 2017 2:10 AM Subscribe
I moved out from my only parent's home a few years ago but I was unable to take all my possessions due to lack of space in my new place. However, in the last month or so I've been notified all my belongings are held hostage and if I do try to ask for details no one will reply at all. Is there a way to resolve this problem w/o contacting lawyers/police?
A few months ago I was contacted how my former room was converted/packed away then now everything is allegedly trashed or donated. Is there any way I can see If can salvage any remaining items w/o involving lawyers/police? Even if everything is gone I would like to see it in person.
I'm upset with this news as I couldn't get a straight answer from the estranged parent or my sibling who will not return my calls or emails. Although nothing is of significant monetary value they were the few items I bought saved up over the past few decades along with gifts from my late family members. Also, I cannot afford to replace them such as seasonal clothes, out-of-print books, college/reference textbooks, tech, journals, and other items. Right now I only own 1/4 of my possessions due to space limits and losing the last 3/4 is incredibly devastating in a financial sense too.
However, I do not have access to my former home and I'm worried I'll be arrested for trespassing at my only parent's apartment if I do visit the area. I have sent a polite request to visit my old room to pick up items but I've been met with outright hostility/silence by them. I would like to know if there's anything I can do to see if anything remains in my room at all? The most I am interested in to see if I can pick some items (paid for by myself) and I am not interested in furniture or anything that would require movers.
I've searched around and most places mention contacting the police to escort me to the location but I'm wary of calling the police because they would rather not deal with civil disputes. Also, I cannot afford an attorney and going to court would be a waste of time as I'm not looking to sue my estranged parent.
You are not my lawyer but I would like to know if there's any advice you can offer to me or if there are even any options available? I don't have any friends/family who would be willing to pick up my items or mail them to me. Thanks.
Location: NY
A few months ago I was contacted how my former room was converted/packed away then now everything is allegedly trashed or donated. Is there any way I can see If can salvage any remaining items w/o involving lawyers/police? Even if everything is gone I would like to see it in person.
I'm upset with this news as I couldn't get a straight answer from the estranged parent or my sibling who will not return my calls or emails. Although nothing is of significant monetary value they were the few items I bought saved up over the past few decades along with gifts from my late family members. Also, I cannot afford to replace them such as seasonal clothes, out-of-print books, college/reference textbooks, tech, journals, and other items. Right now I only own 1/4 of my possessions due to space limits and losing the last 3/4 is incredibly devastating in a financial sense too.
However, I do not have access to my former home and I'm worried I'll be arrested for trespassing at my only parent's apartment if I do visit the area. I have sent a polite request to visit my old room to pick up items but I've been met with outright hostility/silence by them. I would like to know if there's anything I can do to see if anything remains in my room at all? The most I am interested in to see if I can pick some items (paid for by myself) and I am not interested in furniture or anything that would require movers.
I've searched around and most places mention contacting the police to escort me to the location but I'm wary of calling the police because they would rather not deal with civil disputes. Also, I cannot afford an attorney and going to court would be a waste of time as I'm not looking to sue my estranged parent.
You are not my lawyer but I would like to know if there's any advice you can offer to me or if there are even any options available? I don't have any friends/family who would be willing to pick up my items or mail them to me. Thanks.
Location: NY
You do realize that this is exactly what that person wants you to be doing, right? They would love to know that you're using words like upset and devastating and wary.
That means you have no good choices, because they will likely escalate regardless of whether they see any reaction from you. Whether you ask them not to throw the remaining things away or show up to get the remaining things or just ignore them, they're going to spin it out into more contact and more attempts to hurt you. That's why they told you they'd thrown away a bunch of your things without warning you or asking if you wanted to come get it.
Ignore them. Block this mode of communication. Go no contact. This was an incredibly evil way to try to remain in your life. Don't give them the satisfaction.
posted by Etrigan at 4:32 AM on May 29, 2017 [21 favorites]
That means you have no good choices, because they will likely escalate regardless of whether they see any reaction from you. Whether you ask them not to throw the remaining things away or show up to get the remaining things or just ignore them, they're going to spin it out into more contact and more attempts to hurt you. That's why they told you they'd thrown away a bunch of your things without warning you or asking if you wanted to come get it.
Ignore them. Block this mode of communication. Go no contact. This was an incredibly evil way to try to remain in your life. Don't give them the satisfaction.
posted by Etrigan at 4:32 AM on May 29, 2017 [21 favorites]
I'd say "let it go" but you mentioned that some of this is stuff you need and can't really afford to replace. Unfortunately, lawyer and/or police might be the only way to retrieve your stuff. You might have to decide between getting the law involved or taking the financial hit to replace your things.
YMMV on the police, because I'm a white middle-class woman and therefore can expect decent treatment. In my area, one can call the police for an escort to pick up one's things. They are not going to arrest the other person (unless Other Person gets violent) - they just stand by to make sure you can get your stuff and get out of there without incident.
A lawyer probably wouldn't be able to do much except send a sternly worded letter on legal letterhead, which some people might listen to.
In your circumstances - no other family to advocate for you or get your stuff, and if you don't want a police escort - you may just have to swallow the financial loss and give everything up.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:52 AM on May 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
YMMV on the police, because I'm a white middle-class woman and therefore can expect decent treatment. In my area, one can call the police for an escort to pick up one's things. They are not going to arrest the other person (unless Other Person gets violent) - they just stand by to make sure you can get your stuff and get out of there without incident.
A lawyer probably wouldn't be able to do much except send a sternly worded letter on legal letterhead, which some people might listen to.
In your circumstances - no other family to advocate for you or get your stuff, and if you don't want a police escort - you may just have to swallow the financial loss and give everything up.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 4:52 AM on May 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
One way to frame this is that you've managed to live just fine without these things (and that's all they are -- things) for several years.
Not only can you manage to live without them forever, but you can do it in such a way that you're not part of whatever stirred up nonsense your family has created.
The biggest gift you can give yourself is to move on.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:06 AM on May 29, 2017 [48 favorites]
Not only can you manage to live without them forever, but you can do it in such a way that you're not part of whatever stirred up nonsense your family has created.
The biggest gift you can give yourself is to move on.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 5:06 AM on May 29, 2017 [48 favorites]
Regardless of anything else, you mention a lot of printed materials as being among the things that would be expensive to replace. YMMV with regard to the success rate of the following and whether you'd want to do it, but I've had to relinquish a lot of books, textbooks, and journals over the years for various reasons, and I have been able to find a great deal of that material online. (Some completely legally, some completely pirated.) Public and academic libraries have also filled in a lot of gaps.
This obviously doesn't address the emotional component of your situation. But you write "I only own 1/4 of my possessions due to space limits and losing the last 3/4 is incredibly devastating in a financial sense too," so it might be worth sitting down and figuring out exactly how accurate that is: how much it would cost to replace several-years-old technology by buying secondhand and freecycling*; how much of the printed material is available either secondhand or digitally for free; how much clothing you can find used or free; and, as the previous comment says, how much you actually need to replace given that you've been getting by without these things for a long time.
It's different because this hasn't been your decision, but a common piece of advice for people trying to downsize is to pack things away in boxes and ultimately keep only those things they've gone to the trouble of digging out of those boxes over some given period of time. You'll have to decide what amount of trouble you're willing to undertake to try to get back your things, and maybe part of that calculation should be how needed those things actually are versus how much it's a matter of principle.
(Finally, if your family is the type that would hate to just throw away books and other things, you could try calling the local library to see if there's been a donation. And if you're wary of calling the police only because you don't think they'd be interested, sounds like it wouldn't hurt to give them a call and politely ask. Assuming you think interacting with your family would be worth it.)
* I've said this before elsewhere and I'll say it again: the quantity and often quality of what people offer online to give away for free is really impressive.
posted by trig at 5:42 AM on May 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
This obviously doesn't address the emotional component of your situation. But you write "I only own 1/4 of my possessions due to space limits and losing the last 3/4 is incredibly devastating in a financial sense too," so it might be worth sitting down and figuring out exactly how accurate that is: how much it would cost to replace several-years-old technology by buying secondhand and freecycling*; how much of the printed material is available either secondhand or digitally for free; how much clothing you can find used or free; and, as the previous comment says, how much you actually need to replace given that you've been getting by without these things for a long time.
It's different because this hasn't been your decision, but a common piece of advice for people trying to downsize is to pack things away in boxes and ultimately keep only those things they've gone to the trouble of digging out of those boxes over some given period of time. You'll have to decide what amount of trouble you're willing to undertake to try to get back your things, and maybe part of that calculation should be how needed those things actually are versus how much it's a matter of principle.
(Finally, if your family is the type that would hate to just throw away books and other things, you could try calling the local library to see if there's been a donation. And if you're wary of calling the police only because you don't think they'd be interested, sounds like it wouldn't hurt to give them a call and politely ask. Assuming you think interacting with your family would be worth it.)
* I've said this before elsewhere and I'll say it again: the quantity and often quality of what people offer online to give away for free is really impressive.
posted by trig at 5:42 AM on May 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm so sorry. I went through this too when I left Oregon for France. The biggest difference was I knew it would happen, because my parents have been sadistic since day one. (I use the word "sadistic" in full recognizance and it in fact was given to me by my therapist after a few years of treating me. She just out and said, somewhat paraphrased except for that key word: "your parents were sadistic. They knew full well what they were doing and did it with intent.")
Your parents know what they're doing, and they know it hurts. Plus you've told them now. Which means the unfortunate reality is that they are doing it on purpose. This is the outcome they desire. If it weren't, they would have done or at the very least be doing things differently. They aren't.
I'm really, really sorry you have to go through this. It hurts, and there is no easy way through it. The one way that does work is acceptance. I think that's what some people translate as "forgiveness"? I don't call it that but if it helps you, you can view it that way too. As in, "this thing happened, the people who did it knew and accepted the consequences, thus I accept that reality" and move from there.
Police likely won't do anything beyond what you've already done, i.e. ask. They can't do much more. Getting lawyers involved will also cost money. Plus it will prolong your own anxiety.
I know this sucks. Make a list right now, in detail, of everything you lost. Prioritize it. Replace according to priorities, and by looking for alternate/cheaper routes.
If it makes you feel better, I lost basically all my childhood photos, all the letters I'd exchanged with dear friends over the years, my diaries I'd kept since age 5, books my Norwegian grandfather had gifted me from early 1900s Norway and Canada, blankets and toys my great-grandmother had crocheted especially for me, poetry I'd written and published, clothes, shoes, textbooks, reference books, and oh, my piano and car. Gone.
I went to France with a few clothes, about a dozen childhood photos, letters from my grandparents, a small clock my grandfather had made for me, and my baritone saxophone, because I knew if I didn't take it, I'd never see it again.
I also went through a few years of ranting in therapy about being made to pay several times over for my mere existence. It helped.
posted by fraula at 6:16 AM on May 29, 2017 [19 favorites]
Your parents know what they're doing, and they know it hurts. Plus you've told them now. Which means the unfortunate reality is that they are doing it on purpose. This is the outcome they desire. If it weren't, they would have done or at the very least be doing things differently. They aren't.
I'm really, really sorry you have to go through this. It hurts, and there is no easy way through it. The one way that does work is acceptance. I think that's what some people translate as "forgiveness"? I don't call it that but if it helps you, you can view it that way too. As in, "this thing happened, the people who did it knew and accepted the consequences, thus I accept that reality" and move from there.
Police likely won't do anything beyond what you've already done, i.e. ask. They can't do much more. Getting lawyers involved will also cost money. Plus it will prolong your own anxiety.
I know this sucks. Make a list right now, in detail, of everything you lost. Prioritize it. Replace according to priorities, and by looking for alternate/cheaper routes.
If it makes you feel better, I lost basically all my childhood photos, all the letters I'd exchanged with dear friends over the years, my diaries I'd kept since age 5, books my Norwegian grandfather had gifted me from early 1900s Norway and Canada, blankets and toys my great-grandmother had crocheted especially for me, poetry I'd written and published, clothes, shoes, textbooks, reference books, and oh, my piano and car. Gone.
I went to France with a few clothes, about a dozen childhood photos, letters from my grandparents, a small clock my grandfather had made for me, and my baritone saxophone, because I knew if I didn't take it, I'd never see it again.
I also went through a few years of ranting in therapy about being made to pay several times over for my mere existence. It helped.
posted by fraula at 6:16 AM on May 29, 2017 [19 favorites]
You've done really well by walking away, now finish the job by mourning these things and move forward when you feel ready.
Life is long and you can get new stuff. Tell yourself every day that you will get BETTER stuff. Believe it. Feel it. Reprogram your subconscious so that this truth is known throughout your entire being. Live your life in happiness and free from victimization - I know you can do it!!
---
Can I ask how you were notified that your things were "being held hostage"? Was it in writing, perhaps? Because if it was, then PLEASE take the email or note to the police and ask for an escort to retrieve your belongings! They are there to make sure matters do not turn violent, they do this all of the time, and it's fine to get their assistance.
If the threat is not in writing, I'm sorry, but you will have to process your grief and let it go. The good news is you can move forward and get better stuff not tainted by them. I promise you this is a blip on your journey, I know it feels awful right now. Be gentle with yourself, because you are on the right path.
posted by jbenben at 8:25 AM on May 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
Life is long and you can get new stuff. Tell yourself every day that you will get BETTER stuff. Believe it. Feel it. Reprogram your subconscious so that this truth is known throughout your entire being. Live your life in happiness and free from victimization - I know you can do it!!
---
Can I ask how you were notified that your things were "being held hostage"? Was it in writing, perhaps? Because if it was, then PLEASE take the email or note to the police and ask for an escort to retrieve your belongings! They are there to make sure matters do not turn violent, they do this all of the time, and it's fine to get their assistance.
If the threat is not in writing, I'm sorry, but you will have to process your grief and let it go. The good news is you can move forward and get better stuff not tainted by them. I promise you this is a blip on your journey, I know it feels awful right now. Be gentle with yourself, because you are on the right path.
posted by jbenben at 8:25 AM on May 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
I'm sorry, but realistically the ONLY thing you can do here is, Move On. Everything you left behind is gone from your life, and you'll never see it again.
Look, even leaving aside your relationship with your parents, this is stuff you yourself say you haven't had for "several years", and it doesn't matter why. Perhaps your parents did "hold it hostage", but on the other hand you seem to feel that, even though you moved out years ago, your parents' home is your permanent storage locker, and 'your' bedroom is and forever should be yours. YOU MOVED OUT..... that bedroom isn't yours, that isn't your home, and if you really, really wanted your stuff you should have asked the cops to escort you on a retrieval trip very, very soon after you left the place. (In this kind of situation, where it's literally been years, they'll probably tell you by now it would count as abandoned.)
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the best thing you can do FOR YOU is forget about these long gone belongings, and find a way to stop letting your family take so much control of your headspace.
posted by easily confused at 8:57 AM on May 29, 2017 [7 favorites]
Look, even leaving aside your relationship with your parents, this is stuff you yourself say you haven't had for "several years", and it doesn't matter why. Perhaps your parents did "hold it hostage", but on the other hand you seem to feel that, even though you moved out years ago, your parents' home is your permanent storage locker, and 'your' bedroom is and forever should be yours. YOU MOVED OUT..... that bedroom isn't yours, that isn't your home, and if you really, really wanted your stuff you should have asked the cops to escort you on a retrieval trip very, very soon after you left the place. (In this kind of situation, where it's literally been years, they'll probably tell you by now it would count as abandoned.)
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the best thing you can do FOR YOU is forget about these long gone belongings, and find a way to stop letting your family take so much control of your headspace.
posted by easily confused at 8:57 AM on May 29, 2017 [7 favorites]
Things are things.
Legally speaking, under New York state law, there are no provisions for how a landlord disposes of a tenant's abandoned property. IANAL, but thinking logically, if you were an adult when the items were purchased, an adult while you were living there, and an adult when you moved out and left the things behind, I'd consider that a landlord/tenant relationship with the parent. I can't think of any particularly good legal reason your parent should be bound to protect your old textbooks and winter coats for several years after you decided to move out.
In Florida (which does have abandoned property laws), abandoned property worth more than $500 can be sold at public auction after about a month (15 days for the tenant to pick it up, two weeks for notice of public auction), and the tenant would be on the hook for storage costs. If it's worth less than $500, they can just pitch it. Just for perspective.
It's not your room anymore, and it's not your stuff anymore. It's also not your headache anymore - let hostile people be hostile, and be glad you don't have to deal with them over Thanksgiving dinner anymore.
posted by Seek at 9:18 AM on May 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
Legally speaking, under New York state law, there are no provisions for how a landlord disposes of a tenant's abandoned property. IANAL, but thinking logically, if you were an adult when the items were purchased, an adult while you were living there, and an adult when you moved out and left the things behind, I'd consider that a landlord/tenant relationship with the parent. I can't think of any particularly good legal reason your parent should be bound to protect your old textbooks and winter coats for several years after you decided to move out.
In Florida (which does have abandoned property laws), abandoned property worth more than $500 can be sold at public auction after about a month (15 days for the tenant to pick it up, two weeks for notice of public auction), and the tenant would be on the hook for storage costs. If it's worth less than $500, they can just pitch it. Just for perspective.
It's not your room anymore, and it's not your stuff anymore. It's also not your headache anymore - let hostile people be hostile, and be glad you don't have to deal with them over Thanksgiving dinner anymore.
posted by Seek at 9:18 AM on May 29, 2017 [4 favorites]
You have lived without these items for years. YEARS. In this pile of things includes seasonal items. It is taking too much emotion and psychic energy to deal with these things to be worth interacting with to you, a toxic situation.
You could just drop them a note and state that if there are things that they wish to return to you then provide them a drop off point. Otherwise, let it ALL go. You are estranged. Do not interact more than necessary.
In short, run away from the meteorite crash, not towards.
posted by jadepearl at 9:35 AM on May 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
You could just drop them a note and state that if there are things that they wish to return to you then provide them a drop off point. Otherwise, let it ALL go. You are estranged. Do not interact more than necessary.
In short, run away from the meteorite crash, not towards.
posted by jadepearl at 9:35 AM on May 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
I agree that you should find a way to let it go, but that doesn't answer your question.
I would give some thought to finding someone who would act as a liaison between you and your family. Can you think of someone that both you and your family respects and trusts? You could possibly agree get them to agree to accompany to you to get your things. Maybe even without your family present? Possibly another family member or close friend.
posted by raisingsand at 9:40 AM on May 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
I would give some thought to finding someone who would act as a liaison between you and your family. Can you think of someone that both you and your family respects and trusts? You could possibly agree get them to agree to accompany to you to get your things. Maybe even without your family present? Possibly another family member or close friend.
posted by raisingsand at 9:40 AM on May 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
I was just talking with my sister about something similar earlier today. We're estranged from my dad, but it was a gradual process, so I never had a moment where I just took all my stuff out of his place. Anyway, I was playing catch with my sister today and I was talking about how cool it would be to swing my old bat from when I was a kid, which is, last I heard, in my dad's garage. I haven't played organized baseball in 25 years, and even if I had I wouldn't need a bat made for a nine-year-old, but of course, it's not really about the bat. Now that I have a kid, I'm thinking about playing ball with her, and how cool it would be if she could play with my old bat and glove. Back in happier days, my dad would let us play with his old bat, and I always thought it was pretty cool. I'd like to do that with my kid too. So I get it. Just because you've lived without certain things for years doesn't mean you should live without them forever.
As I see it, you really only have two options, one of which (reconciling with your family) is not realistic. The other is to get someone to help you. Is there anyone you have in common with your family? A favorite uncle or cousin? An old family friend? If you're not close with Amy such people, is there anyone who's at least not antagonistic toward you?
Your first priority is just to figure out whether your stuff is even there. If it's not, then there's no point in planning a rescue operation. Use your go-between as a scout. Just have them look in your room and see what's there.
If your stuff is still there, then see if they can help you get it. They can make up a story if you don't want your family knowing it's going back to you. Something like "oh I know someone who's really interested in [thing you used to have], could I possibly have this to give to them?"
I wish I could be more creative for you. Good luck.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:34 PM on May 29, 2017
As I see it, you really only have two options, one of which (reconciling with your family) is not realistic. The other is to get someone to help you. Is there anyone you have in common with your family? A favorite uncle or cousin? An old family friend? If you're not close with Amy such people, is there anyone who's at least not antagonistic toward you?
Your first priority is just to figure out whether your stuff is even there. If it's not, then there's no point in planning a rescue operation. Use your go-between as a scout. Just have them look in your room and see what's there.
If your stuff is still there, then see if they can help you get it. They can make up a story if you don't want your family knowing it's going back to you. Something like "oh I know someone who's really interested in [thing you used to have], could I possibly have this to give to them?"
I wish I could be more creative for you. Good luck.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:34 PM on May 29, 2017
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I wish you all the best
posted by james33 at 3:51 AM on May 29, 2017 [38 favorites]