Grief, sullied by anger
May 24, 2017 11:32 PM Subscribe
One of my closest friends committed suicide, and left a shit storm for me to deal with. My emotions are a wreck. Can you help me navigate them?
I own a house on a piece of property with a cottage on it, which I've rented out for several years. Ann started renting it a couple of years ago, and almost immediately she and I became great friends. We spoke to each other at least once a day, often many times. Texted all the time. Shared coffee and wine, played with each other's dogs, took care of each other's lives. We left our doors unlocked and walked in uninvited we were that close to each other.
Last week she went out of town, as she regularly does, and I took care of her dog and two cats, as I regularly do. She was supposed to come home Monday afternoon, but Monday at 3 a.m. I got a text from a close friend of hers who I know telling me she had taken her own life while out of town. Ann had sent an email to this friend with instructions ... for dealing with all the details of her life. Some of these involved me taking care of the pets, and because I am the owner of the cottage where she was living, dealing with that mostly fell to me too.
Ann was a dear, dear friend, and I spent all of Monday distraught, sobbing, lost. Tuesday two of her other friends came to the cottage and boxed up her things. Wednesday I asked my housekeepers to clean the cottage instead of my house. What a shit storm. The place is so filthy I'm going to need to replace the carpet, curtains, rugs, blinds, mattress, curtains and couch. I need to refinish the floors and wood doors. I knew, from being close enough to her, that she was a shitty housekeeper, and that there was damage occurring (cat urine, dog scratches). But I trusted that she'd take care of (and pay for) all the cleaning and damage, and that it wouldn't fall on me.
Well, it fell on me. My housekeepers were so appalled at the filth that they increased their rate significantly. After over five hours today, they'd cleaned only the kitchen. Five hours spent by two people means it took them ten hours to clean the kitchen, in a cottage. The place is a disaster. The place is full of boxes and Ann's crap everywhere. I've got a dog and two cats to take care of until they're re-homed (the dog goes Saturday, the cats mid-June). My 13-year-old daughter is distraught at the loss of the dog, and I'm distraught at the loss of my dear friend.
And yet I want to wring her neck for not saying good-bye, for not cleaning up after herself, for dumping this expensive and miserable project on me. I have so many questions, starting with, "What the fuck?" I miss her so much, and am so angry she didn't give me or anyone else any chance of turning her around. I respect her right to choose suicide, but hate that she did. And I hate that the note she left didn't say one single personal thing to anyone. Not good-bye, not thank you, no explanation why, nothing. Just, "Here's a list of things to do, people to call."
I don't even know what my question is. I'm just so torn up and sad and missing her and hurt and overwhelmed and disgusted. There are way too many things she left that I can't un-see. When I take her leftover drugs to the pharmacy to have them disposed of, I will be hauling in three gallon-sized ziplock bags full of pill bottles. Some of the things she left were so upsetting that I removed them from the cottage and destroyed them before her friends came over to pack her boxes - only one of us needs to carry that inside. Her elderly father is coming Thursday to pick up the boxes. She had a lot of anger for him, for the way he treated her during her childhood. But the man has now lost his second child, of two, so he's in terrible grief. It's all so complicated, so tangled.
I'm rambling. This is an accurate picture of my thoughts and feelings. Guidance? Something? I can't even think straight enough to ask the right question. Does anyone know what that question might be? Can anyone help me find an answer?
I own a house on a piece of property with a cottage on it, which I've rented out for several years. Ann started renting it a couple of years ago, and almost immediately she and I became great friends. We spoke to each other at least once a day, often many times. Texted all the time. Shared coffee and wine, played with each other's dogs, took care of each other's lives. We left our doors unlocked and walked in uninvited we were that close to each other.
Last week she went out of town, as she regularly does, and I took care of her dog and two cats, as I regularly do. She was supposed to come home Monday afternoon, but Monday at 3 a.m. I got a text from a close friend of hers who I know telling me she had taken her own life while out of town. Ann had sent an email to this friend with instructions ... for dealing with all the details of her life. Some of these involved me taking care of the pets, and because I am the owner of the cottage where she was living, dealing with that mostly fell to me too.
Ann was a dear, dear friend, and I spent all of Monday distraught, sobbing, lost. Tuesday two of her other friends came to the cottage and boxed up her things. Wednesday I asked my housekeepers to clean the cottage instead of my house. What a shit storm. The place is so filthy I'm going to need to replace the carpet, curtains, rugs, blinds, mattress, curtains and couch. I need to refinish the floors and wood doors. I knew, from being close enough to her, that she was a shitty housekeeper, and that there was damage occurring (cat urine, dog scratches). But I trusted that she'd take care of (and pay for) all the cleaning and damage, and that it wouldn't fall on me.
Well, it fell on me. My housekeepers were so appalled at the filth that they increased their rate significantly. After over five hours today, they'd cleaned only the kitchen. Five hours spent by two people means it took them ten hours to clean the kitchen, in a cottage. The place is a disaster. The place is full of boxes and Ann's crap everywhere. I've got a dog and two cats to take care of until they're re-homed (the dog goes Saturday, the cats mid-June). My 13-year-old daughter is distraught at the loss of the dog, and I'm distraught at the loss of my dear friend.
And yet I want to wring her neck for not saying good-bye, for not cleaning up after herself, for dumping this expensive and miserable project on me. I have so many questions, starting with, "What the fuck?" I miss her so much, and am so angry she didn't give me or anyone else any chance of turning her around. I respect her right to choose suicide, but hate that she did. And I hate that the note she left didn't say one single personal thing to anyone. Not good-bye, not thank you, no explanation why, nothing. Just, "Here's a list of things to do, people to call."
I don't even know what my question is. I'm just so torn up and sad and missing her and hurt and overwhelmed and disgusted. There are way too many things she left that I can't un-see. When I take her leftover drugs to the pharmacy to have them disposed of, I will be hauling in three gallon-sized ziplock bags full of pill bottles. Some of the things she left were so upsetting that I removed them from the cottage and destroyed them before her friends came over to pack her boxes - only one of us needs to carry that inside. Her elderly father is coming Thursday to pick up the boxes. She had a lot of anger for him, for the way he treated her during her childhood. But the man has now lost his second child, of two, so he's in terrible grief. It's all so complicated, so tangled.
I'm rambling. This is an accurate picture of my thoughts and feelings. Guidance? Something? I can't even think straight enough to ask the right question. Does anyone know what that question might be? Can anyone help me find an answer?
Best answer: Wow. This is awful, and I'm so sorry you are going through it. There is no easy way to handle a situation like this. You are rightly angered, and will probably go through washes of different emotions as you process the loss as well as what is pretty clearly a huge betrayal on her part. Even when people have died who haven't left me a mess to deal with, I have felt the same way.
If you have an opportunity to sit with a counselor (even a short term one) or member of clergy, I would do so. Not because you'll feel better - honestly you will feel the same, and worse, for a while. You are dealing with a suicide, it's overwhelming, and you're also taking it on the chin for your friend's mental illness, the aftermath and her literal baggage. Having someone available who is used to helping with these sorts of feelings and scenarios can be helpful.
I find distraction is just as useful a coping mechanism as any at points. Give yourself a set amount of time to spend on the situation, or even just turning it over in your mind, then go to the cinema or watch TV or something. Obviously you can't put off grief all the time, but giving yourself a break is important.
Down the road I think you will come to feel some compassion for your friend and how well she kept her demons at bay for so long. As someone with recurring bouts of depression for most of my life I know how it feels to be hopeless and shut down, not functional and just wanting it to stop. It's not rational, it's one of the least rational places the human mind can go to. For now though, give yourself time and take care of yourself and your home. It is a horrible shame and you are entitled to take space and time to recover from this.
posted by SassHat at 12:01 AM on May 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
If you have an opportunity to sit with a counselor (even a short term one) or member of clergy, I would do so. Not because you'll feel better - honestly you will feel the same, and worse, for a while. You are dealing with a suicide, it's overwhelming, and you're also taking it on the chin for your friend's mental illness, the aftermath and her literal baggage. Having someone available who is used to helping with these sorts of feelings and scenarios can be helpful.
I find distraction is just as useful a coping mechanism as any at points. Give yourself a set amount of time to spend on the situation, or even just turning it over in your mind, then go to the cinema or watch TV or something. Obviously you can't put off grief all the time, but giving yourself a break is important.
Down the road I think you will come to feel some compassion for your friend and how well she kept her demons at bay for so long. As someone with recurring bouts of depression for most of my life I know how it feels to be hopeless and shut down, not functional and just wanting it to stop. It's not rational, it's one of the least rational places the human mind can go to. For now though, give yourself time and take care of yourself and your home. It is a horrible shame and you are entitled to take space and time to recover from this.
posted by SassHat at 12:01 AM on May 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I know it probably doesn't seem like the time to get all legal about things when something so personal is going on (you grieving for your lost friend), but I feel like legally you ought to have some recourse - can you talk to whoever is dealing with her estate regarding the payment for having the cottage professionally cleaned? I feel like if it were me dealing with this and Ann had any dollar to her name after her funeral expenses & stuff were paid for, I'd want to compensate you for dealing with it.
Also I couldn't agree more with getting counseling. Tell them all the disturbing things you saw. Get it off your chest to a neutral third party. I have found this really helps (I deal with a lot of really disturbing things). Consider writing a letter to Ann, starting with "what the fuck?" Maybe you can burn it as catharsis or something, but it sounds like you could use some catharsis, and I don't blame you.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:28 AM on May 25, 2017 [38 favorites]
Also I couldn't agree more with getting counseling. Tell them all the disturbing things you saw. Get it off your chest to a neutral third party. I have found this really helps (I deal with a lot of really disturbing things). Consider writing a letter to Ann, starting with "what the fuck?" Maybe you can burn it as catharsis or something, but it sounds like you could use some catharsis, and I don't blame you.
I'm very sorry for your loss.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:28 AM on May 25, 2017 [38 favorites]
Best answer: Oh my god. I'm really sorry you have to go through this, and I'm sorry for the loss of your friend--how sad.
I'm sorry if I'm misreading this, but it sounds like you are experiencing some guilt over the angry feelings mixed with the sadness. But really, anger is a normal and understandable emotion here, and it doesn't mean you're a bad friend.
So I guess one thing that might help is to accept that you're going to feel some anger mixed in with your sadness and that is okay and a normal part of grief. Let yourself feel all your feelings, because you're going to feel them anyway and it's worse if you're berating yourself for them.
And yes, seconding grief counselling. It may take a couple tries to find someone you click with, but when you do, it can be such a relief to have someone to unload on. You can just let it all out and they won't judge you.
Take care.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:35 AM on May 25, 2017
I'm sorry if I'm misreading this, but it sounds like you are experiencing some guilt over the angry feelings mixed with the sadness. But really, anger is a normal and understandable emotion here, and it doesn't mean you're a bad friend.
So I guess one thing that might help is to accept that you're going to feel some anger mixed in with your sadness and that is okay and a normal part of grief. Let yourself feel all your feelings, because you're going to feel them anyway and it's worse if you're berating yourself for them.
And yes, seconding grief counselling. It may take a couple tries to find someone you click with, but when you do, it can be such a relief to have someone to unload on. You can just let it all out and they won't judge you.
Take care.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 12:35 AM on May 25, 2017
Best answer: Hi. A close coworker killed himself about a half year ago without giving any of us any indication something was wrong.
I got through the first month by exercising, drinking, and crying every day coming home from work. Then I realized I needed to talk to a counselor really soon because I was misdirecting anger over the suicide toward my coworkers and considering quitting my job, which I love.
I'm finally to the point of not crying daily, but there's really no going back to a post my-friend-committing-suicide-life where I feel "healed" or "better" or "at peace" about it. It's still there, and I expect at any time I will feel a welling up of emotions. I dunno, I don't feel like loss reaches completion or whatever, especially this kind of loss because you can't call the person up to say "why did you do this" and get a response.
You should feel however you want to feel, and know it's ok, and talk it out with significant others to some extent and a counselor for the really hard stuff. And know that people uninvolved with the loss will be awkward and not know what to say, and the way other people grieve may seem weird or even upsetting (really angry, crying a lot, or seeming perfectly ok). It is ok for the way you grieve and other people grieve to be different.
At this stage I find visiting his grave and talking to him about stuff to be comforting.
Put off any major life decisions you suddenly feel like making: getting a new cat, quitting your job. Maybe some of these things might help but some of them could be avoidance of anything related to the trauma of having someone you love kill themselves. I hated my job and everything good I ever accomplished last year for awhile because it all reminded me of him.
Your description of the state of the house reminded me of "the Czar's Daughter" from "We Learn Nothing" by Tim Kreider. I don't know if it'd resonate with you, but just in case.
Memail me if you like.
posted by sacchan at 12:37 AM on May 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
I got through the first month by exercising, drinking, and crying every day coming home from work. Then I realized I needed to talk to a counselor really soon because I was misdirecting anger over the suicide toward my coworkers and considering quitting my job, which I love.
I'm finally to the point of not crying daily, but there's really no going back to a post my-friend-committing-suicide-life where I feel "healed" or "better" or "at peace" about it. It's still there, and I expect at any time I will feel a welling up of emotions. I dunno, I don't feel like loss reaches completion or whatever, especially this kind of loss because you can't call the person up to say "why did you do this" and get a response.
You should feel however you want to feel, and know it's ok, and talk it out with significant others to some extent and a counselor for the really hard stuff. And know that people uninvolved with the loss will be awkward and not know what to say, and the way other people grieve may seem weird or even upsetting (really angry, crying a lot, or seeming perfectly ok). It is ok for the way you grieve and other people grieve to be different.
At this stage I find visiting his grave and talking to him about stuff to be comforting.
Put off any major life decisions you suddenly feel like making: getting a new cat, quitting your job. Maybe some of these things might help but some of them could be avoidance of anything related to the trauma of having someone you love kill themselves. I hated my job and everything good I ever accomplished last year for awhile because it all reminded me of him.
Your description of the state of the house reminded me of "the Czar's Daughter" from "We Learn Nothing" by Tim Kreider. I don't know if it'd resonate with you, but just in case.
Memail me if you like.
posted by sacchan at 12:37 AM on May 25, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: About five years ago my oldest friend, a person I had known since kindergarten and been friends with for several decades, took his own life via a self-inflicted gunshot wound. His partner, a kind and lovely woman who was the best part of his life, found him in the home they shared. It's been years and I still have very raw feelings about this and probably always will.
My first piece of advice is not to expect that you will get through this quickly or easily, or possibly ever get to a place where it doesn't hurt.
My second piece of advice is that it helps me to remember that, though he was seeking help (that sadly didn't come in time) the underlying cause of my friend's death was that he had a disease which, in his case, was just as fatal as aggressive cancer. His depression robbed him of the ability to make good decisions, to perceive that he was wanted, to understand what his suicide would do to those of us who loved him. (Many suicides, in fact, are convinced that everyone else will be happier when they are gone. Depression lies.)
My other advice is to do whatever little bit you can to dredge any bit of positivity out of the wreckage. Turn your anger into resolve not to overlook friends who are suffering. To the extent you can, turn your pain into empathy for others who have faced the same situation. And if you are inclined in any way towards depression yourself, convert your current frustration into resolve never to fall victim to depression and its lies or to inflict upon the other people who love you the awfulness that you are now feeling.
posted by Nerd of the North at 1:01 AM on May 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
My first piece of advice is not to expect that you will get through this quickly or easily, or possibly ever get to a place where it doesn't hurt.
My second piece of advice is that it helps me to remember that, though he was seeking help (that sadly didn't come in time) the underlying cause of my friend's death was that he had a disease which, in his case, was just as fatal as aggressive cancer. His depression robbed him of the ability to make good decisions, to perceive that he was wanted, to understand what his suicide would do to those of us who loved him. (Many suicides, in fact, are convinced that everyone else will be happier when they are gone. Depression lies.)
My other advice is to do whatever little bit you can to dredge any bit of positivity out of the wreckage. Turn your anger into resolve not to overlook friends who are suffering. To the extent you can, turn your pain into empathy for others who have faced the same situation. And if you are inclined in any way towards depression yourself, convert your current frustration into resolve never to fall victim to depression and its lies or to inflict upon the other people who love you the awfulness that you are now feeling.
posted by Nerd of the North at 1:01 AM on May 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Suicide is raw selfishness in its absolutely purest form. So you go ahead and wring her imaginary neck. Swear and shriek and curse at her as often as you need to, and talk yourself out of feeling guilty about it every single time you do. But try to do it where nobody else can hear you, because the last thing you need right now is a bunch of pious finger wagging from people less close to this than you are.
Keep in mind at all times that nobody has a right to tell you how you may or may not grieve, or how hard, or for how long, and that anybody who assumes such a right has thereby declared themselves fair game for being told in so many words to fuck the actual fuck right the fuck off.
What you're going through is just utterly horrid. Feeling like shit about it is absolutely par for the course. Here are big fat Internet stranger hugs, for what they're worth.
posted by flabdablet at 2:06 AM on May 25, 2017 [10 favorites]
Keep in mind at all times that nobody has a right to tell you how you may or may not grieve, or how hard, or for how long, and that anybody who assumes such a right has thereby declared themselves fair game for being told in so many words to fuck the actual fuck right the fuck off.
What you're going through is just utterly horrid. Feeling like shit about it is absolutely par for the course. Here are big fat Internet stranger hugs, for what they're worth.
posted by flabdablet at 2:06 AM on May 25, 2017 [10 favorites]
Best answer: My mom committed suicide when I was in my early 20's, which was >20 yrs ago so I'm well past the raw emotion of the time. I do remember though, that it was very helpful to mentally separate her memory into 2 people -- the person that I loved and had a lot in common with, and the troubled person with the alcohol and anger problems who took her away. You are absolutely allowed to be angry at the person who took her away without tainting the memory of the person you loved. It's really complicated because OF COURSE you are angry at being stuck with a filthy house and all the tasks and grief, but you do still love the friend you had coffee and wine with. People think the word ambivalent means sort of wishy washy, but really it means ambi- (both) plus valent (strong) = both strong, like 2 super strong emotions existing simultaneously.
posted by selfmedicating at 5:00 AM on May 25, 2017 [63 favorites]
posted by selfmedicating at 5:00 AM on May 25, 2017 [63 favorites]
I'm so sorry for your loss. My aunt (we were close and 5 years apart) took her own life 4 years ago now. It was the most grief I had ever experienced, and I didn't even have to deal with the ramifications of her things/any messes/pets.
Someone here suggested this book which is helpful. I would also suggest that time will help a lot. But you'll never get over the questions, which is difficult. And the guilt will subside. I don't know if the anger ever does.
posted by getawaysticks at 6:02 AM on May 25, 2017
Someone here suggested this book which is helpful. I would also suggest that time will help a lot. But you'll never get over the questions, which is difficult. And the guilt will subside. I don't know if the anger ever does.
posted by getawaysticks at 6:02 AM on May 25, 2017
Best answer: I'm so sorry for your loss. You must be devastated. Please give yourself permission to feel grief. And anger. You've been saddled with a responsibility out of the blue, that you never signed up for. It's okay to feel conflicted between grieving for your friend AND being furious with her.
Give yourself time. Make a list of the tasks ahead, and if you can, do the most necessary alone for now. Be kind to yourself and your daughter. Seek therapy if you can, but at any rate, definitely practice self-care.
Much love from this internet stranger.
posted by Nieshka at 6:04 AM on May 25, 2017
Give yourself time. Make a list of the tasks ahead, and if you can, do the most necessary alone for now. Be kind to yourself and your daughter. Seek therapy if you can, but at any rate, definitely practice self-care.
Much love from this internet stranger.
posted by Nieshka at 6:04 AM on May 25, 2017
Thank you, selfmedicating. That is fantastic advice.
posted by Don Pepino at 6:18 AM on May 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 6:18 AM on May 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
If it helps, I think it's likely that the inability to keep the cottage clean and tidy is very much related to the depression that caused her to commit suicide -- it sounds like she was really struggling. So try not to think of this as something she DID but rather as part of the thing that she fought with and lost.
I"m so sorry for your loss and everything you're having to deal with.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:26 AM on May 25, 2017 [14 favorites]
I"m so sorry for your loss and everything you're having to deal with.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:26 AM on May 25, 2017 [14 favorites]
Best answer: My husband took his own life 5 years ago. Our basement was an inexplicable mess. My sister did an initial pass when she was here, that first weekend. A nice couple took a truck-load of stuff that was hard to look at the first week. But there was so much more. I spent the summer hauling loads of...stuff to the thrift shop, to ReStore, giving it to friends. Even after that, I took 5 carloads of stuff to the dump that summer. I’d get to the dump right when it opened, slipping all this...stuff away, stealthily. It felt so shameful and degrading. It was heartbreaking to go through the piles, and I couldn’t lift everything easily, and I scratched up the car jamming all this...stuff into it. All of this work was done with tears and pain and cursing and gnashing of teeth.
There were two moments that really helped me.
First, I realized that this mess was a glimpse into my dear husband’s madness. I didn’t realize this right away, but after the 2nd or 3rd trip to the dump, I started to develop a relationship with the stuff. If it was inexplicable and overwhelming for me, what must it have been like to live in his head? In the midst of this effort, I found compassion.
Second, when we were removing things from a corner of the basement, a cabinet that I thought was a wall cabinet came crashing down. Ends up, it wasn’t secured to a wall, it was just sitting on a pile of stuff. The cabinet flew into the middle of the room. Tools and heavy objects spewed. My children were right! there! It was sudden and loud, and it was so scary. Miraculously, everything scattered around each of us. Not one of us was harmed. The moment of the cabinet falling was terrifying. The moment after was surprisingly calm. I managed to shrug. That was scary, I thought, and we’re okay. We’re okay. If one of us got hurt, I would have responded to it. Since none of us were hurt, there was nothing to respond to except to clean up the cabinet. I didn't get all mad at not-there husband for doing such a dangerous thing with a cabinet. There was no sense in dwelling in the what-if-it-hurt-my-child. I just responded to what did happen, without adding to the story. In the thick of the muck, I understood detachment and letting go.
We can learn so much about a person after they take their own life when we engage in this intimate act of cleaning up, but at some point, it is a mystery for which there is no answer. Cleaning up after a suicide is a wretched honor. It is a glimpse into their suffering, and we may gain horrible insights, but it’s just a glimpse; we will never know the pain they felt. It is a dubious privilege. So many people loved my husband, and they have such kind thoughts about him. I couldn’t explain his pain to them. I couldn’t set them straight by showing them this mess, and how much he hurt us, over and over. For one thing, I didn’t want to dishonor him. For another, it’s all just so inexplicable. Cleaning up after him gave me an understanding that I don’t fully grasp and certainly can’t explain. I just know.
As for wanting to wring her neck, yup, you’re angry. There’s no place to direct that anger, is there? You can shake your fist at the universe, and there’s no response. You can state your point of view, and no response. There is no justice here. There is no restoration. It just sucks. This is costing you so much money, and time, and energy. I can’t give you any advice about ameliorating it. It’s a mess, and it’s fallen in your lap. Go ahead and be angry, without the pleasure of a response, and see what happens to your anger. This, too, is a gift. A terrible gift, for sure. Be gentle with yourself as you receive this gift; it's not an easy one.
I am so sorry for your loss and for these difficult days. It is a shit storm. You captured it so well. Shit storm. Yes it is. And whether you asked for it or not, you’re in it. When I was overwhelmed with the basement, the house, the bills, the relatives, the children, the questions, the pain, knowing there was so much to do, I'd tell myself, "yep, there is so much to do, so do something, do anything." And I'd just do something, because no matter how small it was, that needed to be done. It helped me to focus on the task and not think about everything at once, and maybe not think much at all. You're in it. Keep going.
posted by Fichereader at 6:39 AM on May 25, 2017 [78 favorites]
There were two moments that really helped me.
First, I realized that this mess was a glimpse into my dear husband’s madness. I didn’t realize this right away, but after the 2nd or 3rd trip to the dump, I started to develop a relationship with the stuff. If it was inexplicable and overwhelming for me, what must it have been like to live in his head? In the midst of this effort, I found compassion.
Second, when we were removing things from a corner of the basement, a cabinet that I thought was a wall cabinet came crashing down. Ends up, it wasn’t secured to a wall, it was just sitting on a pile of stuff. The cabinet flew into the middle of the room. Tools and heavy objects spewed. My children were right! there! It was sudden and loud, and it was so scary. Miraculously, everything scattered around each of us. Not one of us was harmed. The moment of the cabinet falling was terrifying. The moment after was surprisingly calm. I managed to shrug. That was scary, I thought, and we’re okay. We’re okay. If one of us got hurt, I would have responded to it. Since none of us were hurt, there was nothing to respond to except to clean up the cabinet. I didn't get all mad at not-there husband for doing such a dangerous thing with a cabinet. There was no sense in dwelling in the what-if-it-hurt-my-child. I just responded to what did happen, without adding to the story. In the thick of the muck, I understood detachment and letting go.
We can learn so much about a person after they take their own life when we engage in this intimate act of cleaning up, but at some point, it is a mystery for which there is no answer. Cleaning up after a suicide is a wretched honor. It is a glimpse into their suffering, and we may gain horrible insights, but it’s just a glimpse; we will never know the pain they felt. It is a dubious privilege. So many people loved my husband, and they have such kind thoughts about him. I couldn’t explain his pain to them. I couldn’t set them straight by showing them this mess, and how much he hurt us, over and over. For one thing, I didn’t want to dishonor him. For another, it’s all just so inexplicable. Cleaning up after him gave me an understanding that I don’t fully grasp and certainly can’t explain. I just know.
As for wanting to wring her neck, yup, you’re angry. There’s no place to direct that anger, is there? You can shake your fist at the universe, and there’s no response. You can state your point of view, and no response. There is no justice here. There is no restoration. It just sucks. This is costing you so much money, and time, and energy. I can’t give you any advice about ameliorating it. It’s a mess, and it’s fallen in your lap. Go ahead and be angry, without the pleasure of a response, and see what happens to your anger. This, too, is a gift. A terrible gift, for sure. Be gentle with yourself as you receive this gift; it's not an easy one.
I am so sorry for your loss and for these difficult days. It is a shit storm. You captured it so well. Shit storm. Yes it is. And whether you asked for it or not, you’re in it. When I was overwhelmed with the basement, the house, the bills, the relatives, the children, the questions, the pain, knowing there was so much to do, I'd tell myself, "yep, there is so much to do, so do something, do anything." And I'd just do something, because no matter how small it was, that needed to be done. It helped me to focus on the task and not think about everything at once, and maybe not think much at all. You're in it. Keep going.
posted by Fichereader at 6:39 AM on May 25, 2017 [78 favorites]
Best answer: Hi - I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope you know your anger and frustration is perfectly acceptable to be coexisting with grief and sadness. Suicide is such a complicated experience. I was to be in a wedding of a friend in late 2010 when he committed suicide and it left a mountain of pain behind for everyone, as well as inevitable questions and dramatically changed relationships.
For some reason, this piece by Jonathan Franzen helped me with the incident. The subject of the essay by and large doesn't even focus on his relationship with David Foster Wallace, but I did see some kernels of my own anger / grief / confusion in the writing of it. People can think what they will about Franzen, but it helped me in my own process.
I hope, if you read it, it provides something for you as well and I wish you comfort.
posted by glaucon at 7:23 AM on May 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
For some reason, this piece by Jonathan Franzen helped me with the incident. The subject of the essay by and large doesn't even focus on his relationship with David Foster Wallace, but I did see some kernels of my own anger / grief / confusion in the writing of it. People can think what they will about Franzen, but it helped me in my own process.
I hope, if you read it, it provides something for you as well and I wish you comfort.
posted by glaucon at 7:23 AM on May 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Bah this is the worst! I am so sorry, that is all so hard. When my father suddenly died at home about six years ago (after years of deteriorating health due to his alcoholism) I had what they like to call a "complicated grief." He had been such a pain in the ass! But also, while he hadn't been a great dad, he was someone whose company I enjoyed and whose mind I appreciated. I spent more time than I would have liked in those weeks initially wishing so badly that things had been different. And there were pets involved who I had very very negative feelings about, but it wasn't their fault and I felt bad for my bad feelings.
And what's hard, for me, for you, is that you have to hold a bunch of ideas together at once
- managing pets who are innocent in all this but also a burden
- managing other people's grief who you can't help interacting with
- managing your frustration at this MESS and the COST
- managing your daughter's feelings that may seem tangential
- managing your many feelings about your friend who was probably in pain but also fucked you over (I do not find the "suicide is selfish" construction helpful but some people do)
And it's all so much work.
What helped for me was that I have a sister. Who was also feeling many of the same things. And she was good to just eye roll and be like "What bullshit amirite?" with, and maybe crack some off-color jokes. And then I had friends who hadn't known my dad, who weren't that connected, who cared about me and around whom I could say "This sucks for me personally!!" and not have to be mindful of the feelings of my family, my dad's friends, the pets, anything, who could support me.
Maybe you have those sorts of friends. Maybe there is a grief support group where you could just go and talk about how HARD this is. Because statements like "only one of us needs to carry that inside." are true to a point, but then maybe not true. It may be manners for you to keep some things from her father, but that doesn't mean you need to hold those secrets. My father died in an awkward way and it was useful for me to talk to some (not all) people about it and not keep it a secret.
I did find, as Fichereader did, that detachment helped. But it may only come with time. And realizing that some of this really is waiting for the pain to ease out, for the painful stuff to make room for more other feelings, and giving yourself space to let those feelings in but also honoring your own bad feelings as you have them. It's hard and you are fragile .Be kind to yourself and love those around you and know that there are people who empathize, deeply, with what you are going through. I am so sorry.
posted by jessamyn at 7:53 AM on May 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
And what's hard, for me, for you, is that you have to hold a bunch of ideas together at once
- managing pets who are innocent in all this but also a burden
- managing other people's grief who you can't help interacting with
- managing your frustration at this MESS and the COST
- managing your daughter's feelings that may seem tangential
- managing your many feelings about your friend who was probably in pain but also fucked you over (I do not find the "suicide is selfish" construction helpful but some people do)
And it's all so much work.
What helped for me was that I have a sister. Who was also feeling many of the same things. And she was good to just eye roll and be like "What bullshit amirite?" with, and maybe crack some off-color jokes. And then I had friends who hadn't known my dad, who weren't that connected, who cared about me and around whom I could say "This sucks for me personally!!" and not have to be mindful of the feelings of my family, my dad's friends, the pets, anything, who could support me.
Maybe you have those sorts of friends. Maybe there is a grief support group where you could just go and talk about how HARD this is. Because statements like "only one of us needs to carry that inside." are true to a point, but then maybe not true. It may be manners for you to keep some things from her father, but that doesn't mean you need to hold those secrets. My father died in an awkward way and it was useful for me to talk to some (not all) people about it and not keep it a secret.
I did find, as Fichereader did, that detachment helped. But it may only come with time. And realizing that some of this really is waiting for the pain to ease out, for the painful stuff to make room for more other feelings, and giving yourself space to let those feelings in but also honoring your own bad feelings as you have them. It's hard and you are fragile .Be kind to yourself and love those around you and know that there are people who empathize, deeply, with what you are going through. I am so sorry.
posted by jessamyn at 7:53 AM on May 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
The wall cabinet story! Thank you, thank you! Thank you for asking this question and thank you everyone for all the wonderful answers. I don't need it acutely, but unless I get struck by lightning or run over by a dump truck pretty shortly, I will need it. I am so grateful I know it is here where I can come back to it.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:19 AM on May 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 8:19 AM on May 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: As a hack to cope against the why, you don't know what she was dealing with. It's like Billy Joel's "The Stranger", and even though you spent so much time together, there are some things we never tell the people we're closest to. Maybe for the wrong reasons, like being mistakingly taught in childhood that your problems make you a burden, and never getting opportunity to correct that belief in adulthood, or something like that. Whatever it is/was, IME every person seems to carry their inheritance of the human condition, and for some its weight does accumulate worse over time than for others.
I think part of the advice you might be looking for (and maybe you can give yourself permission to practice through these initial days) is it's okay to look for benign/innocent reasons she made this choice too. Maybe it was something you couldn't have helped her with. She might have been recovering from a chronic illness (like cancer), and got news that it came back -- something like that. I think it's okay to acknowledge instances where she took away your choice in this friendship too (e.g. not giving you a chance to decide whether you could help or not, not letting you help her determine whether her problem was truly unsolvable or not, etc.).
She does sound like someone who was trying to build a comfortable, rewarding life for herself (in a comfortable rental unit, with two kinds of pets!), and it's possible something didn't quite hit the mark in her attempt. Maybe she didn't even know what was missing to help make life more rewarding. I realize suicide and selfishness are often linked, however, if she was really feeling stuck with her problem, it could have been her way of taking responsibility. I say that trying to empathize from my own struggles with depression, and seeing it in a parent who often threatened suicide to his kids and went to his grave with the mental problems he never found help for. If it wouldn't have been for the cancer, I think the likelihood of suicide would have remained high. His mental problems were getting worse and he was becoming a monster. (Read: child predator. Quite frankly it was like the cancer took responsibility for him.)
You don't know, and it's okay that even though you were her very close friend, you didn't know. Yet even now you can be her compassionate friend. What you did with the pill bottles, being aware of her anger towards her dad... all those things need consideration. Take your time going through this as much as possible. It sounds like you have a unique perspective on this instance of suicide, and it may be that all the pieces will become visible to you yet. As others have said, make sure you are well supported with your own friends, grief counselor, and self-care-while-grieving regime, as you process through this experience. You are doing very well. Hang in there.
posted by human ecologist at 8:49 AM on May 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
I think part of the advice you might be looking for (and maybe you can give yourself permission to practice through these initial days) is it's okay to look for benign/innocent reasons she made this choice too. Maybe it was something you couldn't have helped her with. She might have been recovering from a chronic illness (like cancer), and got news that it came back -- something like that. I think it's okay to acknowledge instances where she took away your choice in this friendship too (e.g. not giving you a chance to decide whether you could help or not, not letting you help her determine whether her problem was truly unsolvable or not, etc.).
She does sound like someone who was trying to build a comfortable, rewarding life for herself (in a comfortable rental unit, with two kinds of pets!), and it's possible something didn't quite hit the mark in her attempt. Maybe she didn't even know what was missing to help make life more rewarding. I realize suicide and selfishness are often linked, however, if she was really feeling stuck with her problem, it could have been her way of taking responsibility. I say that trying to empathize from my own struggles with depression, and seeing it in a parent who often threatened suicide to his kids and went to his grave with the mental problems he never found help for. If it wouldn't have been for the cancer, I think the likelihood of suicide would have remained high. His mental problems were getting worse and he was becoming a monster. (Read: child predator. Quite frankly it was like the cancer took responsibility for him.)
You don't know, and it's okay that even though you were her very close friend, you didn't know. Yet even now you can be her compassionate friend. What you did with the pill bottles, being aware of her anger towards her dad... all those things need consideration. Take your time going through this as much as possible. It sounds like you have a unique perspective on this instance of suicide, and it may be that all the pieces will become visible to you yet. As others have said, make sure you are well supported with your own friends, grief counselor, and self-care-while-grieving regime, as you process through this experience. You are doing very well. Hang in there.
posted by human ecologist at 8:49 AM on May 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you all so much. I feel less alone. Ann had a circle of friends I was never part of, from before her life here, and they all lean on each other. I feel so alone in my grief, and don't intend to burden my daughter with it. Having you all here helps.
I do feel guilt. So much guilt. She moved here and told me she'd never leave, that this is the place where she was finally happy. She said she felt welcome in a way she hadn't before, and several of her friends told me she had told them this. And then she killed herself. Reconciling those is hard.
She had struggled with serious depression, was on anti-psychotics, and based on her pill dispenser, stopped taking her meds last Thursday. I didn't realize they worked so quickly. She was triggered by Chris Cornell's death, no doubt. I understand that I'll never understand what she was going through. What I don't understand is why she left so suddenly, and without leaving any messages to us.
Thanks again for being here for me.
posted by Capri at 10:50 AM on May 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
I do feel guilt. So much guilt. She moved here and told me she'd never leave, that this is the place where she was finally happy. She said she felt welcome in a way she hadn't before, and several of her friends told me she had told them this. And then she killed herself. Reconciling those is hard.
She had struggled with serious depression, was on anti-psychotics, and based on her pill dispenser, stopped taking her meds last Thursday. I didn't realize they worked so quickly. She was triggered by Chris Cornell's death, no doubt. I understand that I'll never understand what she was going through. What I don't understand is why she left so suddenly, and without leaving any messages to us.
Thanks again for being here for me.
posted by Capri at 10:50 AM on May 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus saying: I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I understand that I'll never understand what she was going through. What I don't understand is why she left so suddenly, and without leaving any messages to us.
I bet I would feel the same way in your shoes. As an outsider I would say: it sounds like she wasn't in a place where she was thinking of anyone else. Wouldn't/couldn't/wasn't healthy enough/wasn't able to... who knows.
+1ing all the good advice above, and sending internet hugs.
posted by Zephyrial at 11:25 AM on May 25, 2017
I understand that I'll never understand what she was going through. What I don't understand is why she left so suddenly, and without leaving any messages to us.
I bet I would feel the same way in your shoes. As an outsider I would say: it sounds like she wasn't in a place where she was thinking of anyone else. Wouldn't/couldn't/wasn't healthy enough/wasn't able to... who knows.
+1ing all the good advice above, and sending internet hugs.
posted by Zephyrial at 11:25 AM on May 25, 2017
What I don't understand is why she left so suddenly, and without leaving any messages to us.
Very likely, she believed, in that moment, that it would be a kindness to you not to have to deal with her problems anymore. If you've never been seriously depressed, you may not be able to understand how such a patently untrue thing comes to seem perfectly logical to the depressed mind, but sometimes it can.
Also, a considerable number of suicides are effectively impulsive acts. They don't result from long-term planning, but from a single breakthrough of horror where the means happens to be relatively handy.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. Don't be hard on yourself for having strong mixed feelings in such an awful situation.
posted by praemunire at 12:37 PM on May 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Very likely, she believed, in that moment, that it would be a kindness to you not to have to deal with her problems anymore. If you've never been seriously depressed, you may not be able to understand how such a patently untrue thing comes to seem perfectly logical to the depressed mind, but sometimes it can.
Also, a considerable number of suicides are effectively impulsive acts. They don't result from long-term planning, but from a single breakthrough of horror where the means happens to be relatively handy.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. Don't be hard on yourself for having strong mixed feelings in such an awful situation.
posted by praemunire at 12:37 PM on May 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Wishing for a message was for me an extension of wanting but not being able to talk to and be around someone who has died. And to totally, completely pin down our confusion about why.
Try to take your good times with your friend and how happy she was *at face value,* for what they were. Her illness and suicide does not negate the positive parts of the relationship you had. It does not make every time she expressed being happy in her life after moving there retroactively secretly unhappy.
posted by sacchan at 8:54 PM on May 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
Try to take your good times with your friend and how happy she was *at face value,* for what they were. Her illness and suicide does not negate the positive parts of the relationship you had. It does not make every time she expressed being happy in her life after moving there retroactively secretly unhappy.
posted by sacchan at 8:54 PM on May 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm so sorry for your loss, and what you're going through.
Everyone else addressed the emotional/mental side of things; I'd like to address the physical condition that her place was in. When my father died, he also left his rental place in a very bad state. So, what the landlords did was tally up the back rent, the damages, and submitted the bill to the Estate. Then, the Estate paid out. In my father's case, only part of the bill was covered because his debts were higher than his assets. But, that would be a way to potentially recoup your costs in this situation - tally up the damages, rent, etc., and submit it to the Estate for the Estate to pay out.
posted by spinifex23 at 9:39 PM on May 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Everyone else addressed the emotional/mental side of things; I'd like to address the physical condition that her place was in. When my father died, he also left his rental place in a very bad state. So, what the landlords did was tally up the back rent, the damages, and submitted the bill to the Estate. Then, the Estate paid out. In my father's case, only part of the bill was covered because his debts were higher than his assets. But, that would be a way to potentially recoup your costs in this situation - tally up the damages, rent, etc., and submit it to the Estate for the Estate to pay out.
posted by spinifex23 at 9:39 PM on May 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: She had struggled with serious depression, was on anti-psychotics, and based on her pill dispenser, stopped taking her meds last Thursday. I didn't realize they worked so quickly.
Ah, if she was on anti-psychotics, she probably had bipolar disorder. Bipolar people have depressive periods which bring them down, and then transition to manic episodes which make them hyper, motivated, and impulsive. Sometimes the two states mix, resulting in an impulsive depressive (a "mixed state"). This state can make them especially susceptible to the lull of suicide--they feel terrible, and at the same time they're prone to making rash decisions and have the wilfulness and energy to carry them out.
Also, the fact that she'd stopped taking meds recently means she was going through withdrawal, which can take lots of different forms depending on the person's condition, and on the particular meds. I'm willing to bet, unfortunately, that she was feeling horrible, physically and mentally.
So, a really bad mix of factors. I'm sorry for your loss and your situation.
posted by pableaux at 11:09 PM on May 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Ah, if she was on anti-psychotics, she probably had bipolar disorder. Bipolar people have depressive periods which bring them down, and then transition to manic episodes which make them hyper, motivated, and impulsive. Sometimes the two states mix, resulting in an impulsive depressive (a "mixed state"). This state can make them especially susceptible to the lull of suicide--they feel terrible, and at the same time they're prone to making rash decisions and have the wilfulness and energy to carry them out.
Also, the fact that she'd stopped taking meds recently means she was going through withdrawal, which can take lots of different forms depending on the person's condition, and on the particular meds. I'm willing to bet, unfortunately, that she was feeling horrible, physically and mentally.
So, a really bad mix of factors. I'm sorry for your loss and your situation.
posted by pableaux at 11:09 PM on May 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: When someone dies of cancer, people go "Fuck cancer! Cancer is the the worst!". If a depressed person commits suicide, it's more likely to be "How selfish! How could she do this to us!" I find it helpful to re-frame my thinking: serious depression is as insidious and dangerous an opponent as cancer - a person's best efforts may not be enough to fight it off, and her thinking may be so warped that she really does not grasp the effect this will have on others.
Making sure that her pets were looked after, and making sure that neither you nor your daughter were the ones to find her body, may have been the very best that your friend could manage.
posted by Azara at 11:52 AM on May 26, 2017 [8 favorites]
Making sure that her pets were looked after, and making sure that neither you nor your daughter were the ones to find her body, may have been the very best that your friend could manage.
posted by Azara at 11:52 AM on May 26, 2017 [8 favorites]
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I think your question might be "does anyone have any advice for getting through this?"
My advice would be that you ARE getting through it. It sounds like you have a good handle on the many different physical things you suddenly need to deal with. Have you written lists? I think lists are extra useful in situations like this because you can write things down and then allow yourself to focus on one thing at a time, without worrying about forgetting things.
The thing that you don't seem to have such a handle on is the emotional stuff. That makes total sense though. Take some time to care for yourself, and some time to focus on mourning. Put these things on your list. Then chip away at it all one bit at a time, giving yourself room to breathe.
Who do you have to support you? Ask them for emotional help. Friends, family, community members... Now is the time to be honest with yourself and with them about you needing support. Perhaps someone might have experience with wrangling huge cleaning jobs, or someone can help take care of the cats (maybe your daughter can do that). But you also need someone you can talk to, and someone who will take care of you at least a bit while you are going through such a terrible time. Frankly if I were in your shoes now would be the time for calling my Mom and asking her to come stay with me for a while, but we have a very good relationship and she is super rational and organized and a good listener to boot. If you have people who have one of these qualities, ask them to spend time with you over the next week or so. And of course, if you have access to therapy or counseling of some sort, definitely make an appointment. If you are part of a religious community, this is just the kind of thing they excel at helping with, even if you aren't very active.
Allow yourself breaks, and space. I know you have a lot to do but include taking care of yourself in among the rest of it.
posted by Mizu at 12:01 AM on May 25, 2017 [11 favorites]