No More Ashtons
May 23, 2017 10:16 PM Subscribe
I turned down a much younger man solely because of our age difference. Now he's dating a significantly older woman. How do I stop kicking myself over this?
Months ago, I kissed a remote acquaintance at what was essentially a play party. Eventually, he suggested that I stay over; I then asked his age and discovered that he is nearly a decade younger, still in his 20s, and I declined. I'm often told I look younger than my age, so I figured that perhaps he didn't realize I was much older. He is also the same age as a previous partner of mine; however, I figured I wouldn't want to make the same mistake twice. So I left and fully expected to move on immediately and remember it as a brief, pleasant encounter, no more.
I barely knew him at the time, but since then I've learned that in addition to being really attractive and a great kisser, he's also smart and accomplished and kind. And that he usually dates older women! And recently he started dating a woman who, judging from appearance, is likely 45 if she's a day, if not older.
I can't stop thinking about this guy. In addition to that, I'm caught in a what-if spiral of self-blame about giving in to sex-negativity and sexism (I was afraid to stay over, even though I wanted to, because I was afraid of what he might think of me) and also ageism (I assumed my previous partner was one-in-a-million and that, in general, men feel overwhelmingly negative toward older or even same-aged women once we hit our 30s. Hey, OKCupid said so!) And also acknowledging that even if he does prefer older women, there's no guarantee that he'd be romantically interested in any given older woman, any more than a man who's into women his own age would be automatically interested in any given woman his own age. I also can't decide if I rejected him or if I merely rejected a proposition that meant nothing.
He's taken, so the window for asking him out has passed. I just want the crushing regret and longing to pass: the conviction that I met the second-in-a-million guy who'd be interested in me in spite of my age, but I passed it up and now it's too late. How can I frame this so I stop obsessing? Yes, I'm already in therapy: the therapist suggested that I consider that this was "the best possible outcome," but as I've been single for years and he's the only person in that time that I've had chemistry with who was available, I just find myself panicking again.
Months ago, I kissed a remote acquaintance at what was essentially a play party. Eventually, he suggested that I stay over; I then asked his age and discovered that he is nearly a decade younger, still in his 20s, and I declined. I'm often told I look younger than my age, so I figured that perhaps he didn't realize I was much older. He is also the same age as a previous partner of mine; however, I figured I wouldn't want to make the same mistake twice. So I left and fully expected to move on immediately and remember it as a brief, pleasant encounter, no more.
I barely knew him at the time, but since then I've learned that in addition to being really attractive and a great kisser, he's also smart and accomplished and kind. And that he usually dates older women! And recently he started dating a woman who, judging from appearance, is likely 45 if she's a day, if not older.
I can't stop thinking about this guy. In addition to that, I'm caught in a what-if spiral of self-blame about giving in to sex-negativity and sexism (I was afraid to stay over, even though I wanted to, because I was afraid of what he might think of me) and also ageism (I assumed my previous partner was one-in-a-million and that, in general, men feel overwhelmingly negative toward older or even same-aged women once we hit our 30s. Hey, OKCupid said so!) And also acknowledging that even if he does prefer older women, there's no guarantee that he'd be romantically interested in any given older woman, any more than a man who's into women his own age would be automatically interested in any given woman his own age. I also can't decide if I rejected him or if I merely rejected a proposition that meant nothing.
He's taken, so the window for asking him out has passed. I just want the crushing regret and longing to pass: the conviction that I met the second-in-a-million guy who'd be interested in me in spite of my age, but I passed it up and now it's too late. How can I frame this so I stop obsessing? Yes, I'm already in therapy: the therapist suggested that I consider that this was "the best possible outcome," but as I've been single for years and he's the only person in that time that I've had chemistry with who was available, I just find myself panicking again.
Well, you've learned that you thought you had a thing about age difference that, in retrospect, might not be a dealbreaker for you now, so , moving forward, you're freer thanks to this, and at least you know you are attractive to younger guys.
posted by OHenryPacey at 1:30 AM on May 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by OHenryPacey at 1:30 AM on May 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
it's hard to say if a thing is good or bad until far in the future. then, it doesn't matter. maybe this 'just happened' and you don't have to evaluate it.
posted by j_curiouser at 2:52 AM on May 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by j_curiouser at 2:52 AM on May 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
With dating, it's more helpful to go into things with an "abundance" mindset- thinking that there are many people out there for you- than feeling that every prospect is the only one you will find for years in the desert. Other people can sense that kind of urgency, and also, it causes you to linger and cling to prospects rather than move forward.
Also, maybe trust yourself a little more. I'm betting there are other reasons why you thought things wouldn't work out with this guy, on a gut level. Even if that's not true, and he would have been a good person to date- well, he's with someone else now, and there are a world full of people to explore now. He found you attractive, so logically speaking, many others will, too. Good luck.
posted by bearette at 7:24 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
Also, maybe trust yourself a little more. I'm betting there are other reasons why you thought things wouldn't work out with this guy, on a gut level. Even if that's not true, and he would have been a good person to date- well, he's with someone else now, and there are a world full of people to explore now. He found you attractive, so logically speaking, many others will, too. Good luck.
posted by bearette at 7:24 AM on May 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I've struggled a lot with the kind of social missteps that come from reflexively not trusting people, particularly not trusting men in a possible romantic context. Here's something that's helped me make peace with that: I thank that part of me. I honor it. I know what it is trying to do -- to protect me in a world where many men are indeed trying to run a con, to find a low-self-esteemer to abuse, or who have worse brain problems than I do. My instinct to pull back is a trauma response. It has protected me. It has protected me from a great deal, including love.
I know it may sound like romanticizing yourself or feeling sorry for yourself to think that way, but it has actually helped me a lot. When I thank and appreciate that part of myself, I don't feel controlled by it. I don't feel anger or disdain for myself or my feelings, and I can begin to understand whether I honestly need to protect myself from a particular situation in the outside world.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:38 AM on May 24, 2017 [9 favorites]
I know it may sound like romanticizing yourself or feeling sorry for yourself to think that way, but it has actually helped me a lot. When I thank and appreciate that part of myself, I don't feel controlled by it. I don't feel anger or disdain for myself or my feelings, and I can begin to understand whether I honestly need to protect myself from a particular situation in the outside world.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:38 AM on May 24, 2017 [9 favorites]
Your gut told you to pass. You passed. It's okay! Forgive yourself - all those what-ifs are torture, and you never know how things would have played out, good OR bad.
posted by 41swans at 4:25 PM on May 24, 2017
posted by 41swans at 4:25 PM on May 24, 2017
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Remember, you can only do one thing (or guy) at a time.
At any given time, you are "not doing" miliions of things (or guys) at any given time.
Therefore, if you give any weight to any of the countless things or guys you are missing out on, you will be crushed under the weight of regrest.
And if later it turns out that you two get together after all, then things were meant to be.
Also, even if he is now with your doppelganger, it does not follow that he would have bonded to you in the same way.
posted by metaseeker at 10:34 PM on May 23, 2017 [7 favorites]