Why am I such a jerk?
May 16, 2017 11:28 PM Subscribe
I'm (somewhat involuntarily) spending quite a bit of time with a good friend of my mom's. Mom's friend had been tremendously generous to me my entire life, and I am extremely grateful to her. But I keep feeling extremely annoyed in smaller interactions, and I feel like the worst person. Please help me understand my reactions.
Mom's friend is technically my godmother. My parents are travelling in Europe with mom's friend and her husband, and I am joining them for two weeks (because I want to see my parents; we live on different continents), and so I'm seeing a lot more of her these two weeks.
In my teenage years, Mom's friend regularly took me out for coffee/chocolate and would listen to me talk and cry for hours and hours and provided guidance in a way that was palatable to me. I strugged with depression, intense body image issues, and internalized homophobia, and I confided in her before anyone else. At that time, she had shown me more patience and acceptance than any other adult in my life. I don't know if she's even that patient with her own kids.
I know I owe a lot to her. I love her dearly, but now that I'm a fully grown adult with healthy psyche, body, and relationships I find it grating that she still talks to me as if I was a confused fragile teenager. I managed to keep it civil, of course, but I think she can tell that I'm irritated, and I feel really bad. I don't fully understand why, but I just can't stand the overly tender, sacchrin sweet tone of voice.
Help me understand my reactions! And how do I stop this and treat her with the respect she deserves?
Mom's friend is technically my godmother. My parents are travelling in Europe with mom's friend and her husband, and I am joining them for two weeks (because I want to see my parents; we live on different continents), and so I'm seeing a lot more of her these two weeks.
In my teenage years, Mom's friend regularly took me out for coffee/chocolate and would listen to me talk and cry for hours and hours and provided guidance in a way that was palatable to me. I strugged with depression, intense body image issues, and internalized homophobia, and I confided in her before anyone else. At that time, she had shown me more patience and acceptance than any other adult in my life. I don't know if she's even that patient with her own kids.
I know I owe a lot to her. I love her dearly, but now that I'm a fully grown adult with healthy psyche, body, and relationships I find it grating that she still talks to me as if I was a confused fragile teenager. I managed to keep it civil, of course, but I think she can tell that I'm irritated, and I feel really bad. I don't fully understand why, but I just can't stand the overly tender, sacchrin sweet tone of voice.
Help me understand my reactions! And how do I stop this and treat her with the respect she deserves?
Best answer: Your reactions are probably because the way we interact with people evolves over time, as they grow and change. You have grown and changed. Your parents (hopefully) don't treat you the same way they did when you were a teenager, because they've watched that process and have really internalized it.
This friend of your mother's hasn't yet, tho--you know how people see someone for the first time in a long time, and they say, "Oh, gosh, you're little Emily! You're so big now! Are you doing well in school?" and it's sort of a sing-song voice, and poor Emily, who's probably solidly into her teens, blushes and nods awkwardly? This is the adult equivalent. It's not that the people in question think that Emily is a simpleton, but rather that in their heads, Emily has been six for the last decade. And she's nearly an adult, but there's something in brains that goes, ok, but if i didn't see it, did it really happen?
You don't say how long you've been with them so far, but my bet would be that the longer you spend with her, and the more you talk to her about your fantastic life now, the less you'll hear of this voice.
posted by mishafletch at 12:11 AM on May 17, 2017 [12 favorites]
This friend of your mother's hasn't yet, tho--you know how people see someone for the first time in a long time, and they say, "Oh, gosh, you're little Emily! You're so big now! Are you doing well in school?" and it's sort of a sing-song voice, and poor Emily, who's probably solidly into her teens, blushes and nods awkwardly? This is the adult equivalent. It's not that the people in question think that Emily is a simpleton, but rather that in their heads, Emily has been six for the last decade. And she's nearly an adult, but there's something in brains that goes, ok, but if i didn't see it, did it really happen?
You don't say how long you've been with them so far, but my bet would be that the longer you spend with her, and the more you talk to her about your fantastic life now, the less you'll hear of this voice.
posted by mishafletch at 12:11 AM on May 17, 2017 [12 favorites]
Best answer: One more thing I might do is listen to her and see if there's an occasion where you can help her, whether it's fumbling with a language barrier, sorting out a computer issue or flights, anything really. It's much harder for her to see you as an incompetent teen if she's relying on you for advice this time.
posted by Jubey at 12:11 AM on May 17, 2017 [7 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 12:11 AM on May 17, 2017 [7 favorites]
Best answer: How about saying thank you? Talk about your journey and the part she played in helping.
There are few things which signify maturity and growth more than acknowledgement that the maturity and growth occurred.
posted by fullerine at 1:12 AM on May 17, 2017 [14 favorites]
There are few things which signify maturity and growth more than acknowledgement that the maturity and growth occurred.
posted by fullerine at 1:12 AM on May 17, 2017 [14 favorites]
Best answer: I'd agree that a lot of this is probably your frustration regarding her continuing to treat you like the vulnerable, confused kid you used to be. But I also wonder if being around her and hearing her kind, patient voice makes you flash back to a time when you were miserable and kind of hated yourself. Maybe that time was so traumatic that being reminded of it makes you furious.
It's also possible that on some level you're reevaluating her now, and finding flaws in her that make you angry. Maybe the advice that seemed so reasonable back then now strikes you as harmful in some way. Regarding homophobia, a lot of stuff that seemed progressive not so long ago can seem pretty horrifying when we look back now. Maybe her old advice has dated badly for you.
It's not unlikely she senses the tension in you, so she wants to be kind, and her kindness is only making you more angry! Whatever is causing your anger, try not to hate yourself for it. You feel what you feel, and you can't help that. If you can't sort this out, try to find non-rude ways to spend less time with her. If you have to be with her, maybe tell a white lie and say you have some minor physical ailment making you cranky. (Oh, these pesky headaches!) If she was kind to you at a time when that really mattered, try to have some extra patience with her now. Consider it the partial repayment of a debt.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:19 AM on May 17, 2017 [23 favorites]
It's also possible that on some level you're reevaluating her now, and finding flaws in her that make you angry. Maybe the advice that seemed so reasonable back then now strikes you as harmful in some way. Regarding homophobia, a lot of stuff that seemed progressive not so long ago can seem pretty horrifying when we look back now. Maybe her old advice has dated badly for you.
It's not unlikely she senses the tension in you, so she wants to be kind, and her kindness is only making you more angry! Whatever is causing your anger, try not to hate yourself for it. You feel what you feel, and you can't help that. If you can't sort this out, try to find non-rude ways to spend less time with her. If you have to be with her, maybe tell a white lie and say you have some minor physical ailment making you cranky. (Oh, these pesky headaches!) If she was kind to you at a time when that really mattered, try to have some extra patience with her now. Consider it the partial repayment of a debt.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 1:19 AM on May 17, 2017 [23 favorites]
Maybe you guys need to have a kind of private one-on-one graduation ceremony of sorts. What that would be would depend on your personal tastes, but it could be something like you bestowing a ritual piece of jewelry on her while saying a few prepared words in which you thank her for her successful godmothering and talk about the important emotional/life achievements that have led you to this point (due to her guidance), followed by her doing something concrete to recognize you as an adult (other jewelry? a simple handshake? letting you treat her to lunch?).
posted by amtho at 2:07 AM on May 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by amtho at 2:07 AM on May 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: When it comes to change, we human beings have a major design weakness: we tend to be much more willing to ask it of others, than of ourselves. Which is a great shame, because effecting change in ourselves is infinitely easier than effecting it in somebody else.
With that in mind, I wonder if it might be useful to reframe your godmother's tone and behaviour and make it something that you can actually appreciate. Because there's something pretty massive and glorious that your brushed over in your question: DUDE, YOU GOT YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! It sounds like you had an incredibly tough adolescence - any of the issues you mentioned would be a nightmare on their own, but you had several huge problems to contend with. Now, you are "a fully grown adult with healthy psyche, body, and relationships". Well done! That is wonderful, incredible, and something to be enormously proud of! I can understand, therefore, why your godmother's simpering tone would grate, because it seems as if she cannot see the progress you've made. Her actions seem to diminish that progress. However, on the other hand, her intentions are good, so it doesn't seem fair to criticise her for behaviour patterns that were once so useful to you.
Here's what I would do.
1. Reframe her behaviour. When she is condescending or talks to you as if you are fragile, have a 'go to' thought that triggers you to remember how far you've come. Instead of feeling that irritation as disrespect, feel the irritation as a reminder of your growth: "It feels like she's talking to a different human being - and that's because I AM different! I survived, I grew, I healed. Wow, it's so wonderful that to be seen as that old version of me seems so weird, because it just shows how far away that old version is from where I am today!" Her patronising tone can become a little badge of honour, because it is a reminder of where you came from. This technique can help you to nip that feeling in the bud before it takes you over.
2. Secondly, I would set about SHOWING her my strength. Often, in relationships, we tend to slip back into old patterns even without realising it. I might be reading too much into what you've said, but it sounds like the annoyed, snippy behaviour you're exhibiting around her is closer to the troubled teenager you were than the stable adult you have become. When you feel irritated, think about the maturity you've gained, and SHOW IT. "Godmother, you've always been so kind to me. It's incredible to think that I have so much strength now, because when you're kind to me now it reminds me of those dark days and how distant they now seem."
Perhaps you could even write her a letter - not a critical "Bitch, you need to treat me with some RESPECT!" letter, but a thank you letter. Thank her for her past kindness, explain how it made you stronger, and then - crucially - list your strengths: "I am healthy. I have good relationships. I am strong. I am happy. Thanks to your help an support, I can now see you as a fellow adult rather than someone I need to save me. That is an amazing achievement, and I will always be grateful to you for that support." Your godmother will be enormously touched, but it will also, hopefully, flick that little switch in her brain and make her see that she needs a new way of relating to you - not because she's failed, but because she succeeded.
Because here's the central truth: if you want to be the strong, stable adult you speak about, there are some strong, stable adult things you will sometimes need to do. They include kindness, patience, compassion and forgiveness. Once, your godmother gave these things to you with no strings attached. What a wonderful opportunity you have to return those things to her now, and in doing so, transform your relationship.
I once had a teacher who said that all children are brats until they give their first pay cheque to their parents in thanks for their sacrifices, and then they become adults. I think it's time to give your godmother the cheque.
Good luck.
posted by matthew.alexander at 2:38 AM on May 17, 2017 [13 favorites]
With that in mind, I wonder if it might be useful to reframe your godmother's tone and behaviour and make it something that you can actually appreciate. Because there's something pretty massive and glorious that your brushed over in your question: DUDE, YOU GOT YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! It sounds like you had an incredibly tough adolescence - any of the issues you mentioned would be a nightmare on their own, but you had several huge problems to contend with. Now, you are "a fully grown adult with healthy psyche, body, and relationships". Well done! That is wonderful, incredible, and something to be enormously proud of! I can understand, therefore, why your godmother's simpering tone would grate, because it seems as if she cannot see the progress you've made. Her actions seem to diminish that progress. However, on the other hand, her intentions are good, so it doesn't seem fair to criticise her for behaviour patterns that were once so useful to you.
Here's what I would do.
1. Reframe her behaviour. When she is condescending or talks to you as if you are fragile, have a 'go to' thought that triggers you to remember how far you've come. Instead of feeling that irritation as disrespect, feel the irritation as a reminder of your growth: "It feels like she's talking to a different human being - and that's because I AM different! I survived, I grew, I healed. Wow, it's so wonderful that to be seen as that old version of me seems so weird, because it just shows how far away that old version is from where I am today!" Her patronising tone can become a little badge of honour, because it is a reminder of where you came from. This technique can help you to nip that feeling in the bud before it takes you over.
2. Secondly, I would set about SHOWING her my strength. Often, in relationships, we tend to slip back into old patterns even without realising it. I might be reading too much into what you've said, but it sounds like the annoyed, snippy behaviour you're exhibiting around her is closer to the troubled teenager you were than the stable adult you have become. When you feel irritated, think about the maturity you've gained, and SHOW IT. "Godmother, you've always been so kind to me. It's incredible to think that I have so much strength now, because when you're kind to me now it reminds me of those dark days and how distant they now seem."
Perhaps you could even write her a letter - not a critical "Bitch, you need to treat me with some RESPECT!" letter, but a thank you letter. Thank her for her past kindness, explain how it made you stronger, and then - crucially - list your strengths: "I am healthy. I have good relationships. I am strong. I am happy. Thanks to your help an support, I can now see you as a fellow adult rather than someone I need to save me. That is an amazing achievement, and I will always be grateful to you for that support." Your godmother will be enormously touched, but it will also, hopefully, flick that little switch in her brain and make her see that she needs a new way of relating to you - not because she's failed, but because she succeeded.
Because here's the central truth: if you want to be the strong, stable adult you speak about, there are some strong, stable adult things you will sometimes need to do. They include kindness, patience, compassion and forgiveness. Once, your godmother gave these things to you with no strings attached. What a wonderful opportunity you have to return those things to her now, and in doing so, transform your relationship.
I once had a teacher who said that all children are brats until they give their first pay cheque to their parents in thanks for their sacrifices, and then they become adults. I think it's time to give your godmother the cheque.
Good luck.
posted by matthew.alexander at 2:38 AM on May 17, 2017 [13 favorites]
Well you know, there's also the thing that teenagers have to separate from parental figures, hence teenage contempt and obnoxiousness. That may be part of why you're having such a strong reaction to this woman, who does seem to have been in something of a parental role to you. Forgive yourself, it's part of the growing up process, only between you and her it hasn't had a chance to happen till now.
But yeah, thank her: then you'll have done a potted version of the whole process. Which usually takes years: separate, recalibrate ->perspective -> new way to connect (or detach.)
posted by glasseyes at 3:13 AM on May 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
But yeah, thank her: then you'll have done a potted version of the whole process. Which usually takes years: separate, recalibrate ->perspective -> new way to connect (or detach.)
posted by glasseyes at 3:13 AM on May 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
I wonder if your reaction could be in part because you don't like being reminded of that part of your life?
At any rate, why not say to her "I feel like you still see me as a fragile teenager. I'm a capable adult now." And if you need to at later points you can say, maybe even with humor, "you're giving me that 'poor teenager' look again - what are you thinking of?"
And of course show her you're an adult and give her time to adjust up seeing you in a new way.
posted by bunderful at 6:44 AM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
At any rate, why not say to her "I feel like you still see me as a fragile teenager. I'm a capable adult now." And if you need to at later points you can say, maybe even with humor, "you're giving me that 'poor teenager' look again - what are you thinking of?"
And of course show her you're an adult and give her time to adjust up seeing you in a new way.
posted by bunderful at 6:44 AM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This is probably not something psychologists, therapists, and normal people would advocate, but in my experience it is entirely possible to love and care for someone without respecting their world view. Some ideas are wrong and yet so harmless that it isn't worth arguing against them. When people care for you and your care for them, and you're not going to spend a lot of time with them in the future, fighting them over things that don't actually matter is unlikely to make anybody happier.
This woman apparently needs to treat you as a teenager, and it's a kindness to let her do so. She wants to feel like a mentor. It doesn't really matter whether or not you need it. She may not actually be capable of making the transition to the sort of adult relationship you'd prefer to have. And that's okay. Nobody's good at everything. Every time you find yourself grinding your teeth, remember how fantastic she as when you were a kid.
Celebrate the kindness she showed you in your youth by showing her the same kindness and keeping in mind that nothing that happens in her house will follow you home. All your friends and colleagues know that you're a self-aware, thoughtful adult; it doesn't actually matter at all if she does. Go ahead and be a little kid for a while. It's an act, and a blatantly deceitful act, but that doesn't mean it's bad or unkind. When you get home, share a strong drink with someone who understands that you're an adult and laugh about all the frustrating experiences you had to put up with in order to be kind to a friend.
posted by eotvos at 7:55 AM on May 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
This woman apparently needs to treat you as a teenager, and it's a kindness to let her do so. She wants to feel like a mentor. It doesn't really matter whether or not you need it. She may not actually be capable of making the transition to the sort of adult relationship you'd prefer to have. And that's okay. Nobody's good at everything. Every time you find yourself grinding your teeth, remember how fantastic she as when you were a kid.
Celebrate the kindness she showed you in your youth by showing her the same kindness and keeping in mind that nothing that happens in her house will follow you home. All your friends and colleagues know that you're a self-aware, thoughtful adult; it doesn't actually matter at all if she does. Go ahead and be a little kid for a while. It's an act, and a blatantly deceitful act, but that doesn't mean it's bad or unkind. When you get home, share a strong drink with someone who understands that you're an adult and laugh about all the frustrating experiences you had to put up with in order to be kind to a friend.
posted by eotvos at 7:55 AM on May 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
Try to pay abstract attention: is she really doing this to you specifically, or is she just like that? Or acts like that to people under 40? Or acts like that to family/people she cares about?
My mother in law was driving me nuts, it felt like she wasn't accepting that I was a functional adult capable of taking care of myself much less her precious boy-child, and when I wasn't sure how she wanted something done, it was all 'oh let me help you with that!' and when I did something well/right, well wasn't that just precious! so it really felt like I couldn't win. And then I realized she was almost that bad to her son, and he had just learned to tune her out. And then I talked with him enough about the implications of her tone of voice in their parent-child relationship, that it started grating on his nerves too. And then we talked about what she was maybe trying to express - because she knows we're actually capable adults who live without her condescending hand-clapping you-did-it support the rest of the year, so maybe there was something more going on. The best we could come up with was that she didn't get a lot of respect for her opinions from her husband and was looking for a softer audience, and that she personally liked being told whenever she'd done something well (or looked nice or made delicious dinner, or picked a good restaurant, or chose the best soup off the menu, or was reading a good book) and she was trying to demonstrate how she wanted to be treated, whether or not that was how we wanted to be treated. Unfortunately I can't end this story well, she *still* drives me bonkers, but I can say that I'm working on it.
That said, yours is a somewhat different situation. Think about why she might be acting the way she does for reasons that aren't specifically about you. But like other posters, I'd recommend that you address this with her semi-directly. Make some time to sit down and talk with her "like you used to do". Make sure she knows you respect her and appreciate all she's done for you. Make sure she knows how essential her support was when you needed it. Share things about your current life and who you've become - be positive, but honest, and show her that you're doing okay without showing off or potentially seeming fake. Thank her for her help (in the past tense) making this possible. Finish by making sure she feels loved, and understands that you still want her in your life even though you don't need her advice any more. "I used to need you to be my godmother and take care of me, and now I want to get to know you as an adult friend. I really admire the relationship that you and Mom have and I want to get to know you more in the way that she does."
posted by aimedwander at 8:28 AM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
My mother in law was driving me nuts, it felt like she wasn't accepting that I was a functional adult capable of taking care of myself much less her precious boy-child, and when I wasn't sure how she wanted something done, it was all 'oh let me help you with that!' and when I did something well/right, well wasn't that just precious! so it really felt like I couldn't win. And then I realized she was almost that bad to her son, and he had just learned to tune her out. And then I talked with him enough about the implications of her tone of voice in their parent-child relationship, that it started grating on his nerves too. And then we talked about what she was maybe trying to express - because she knows we're actually capable adults who live without her condescending hand-clapping you-did-it support the rest of the year, so maybe there was something more going on. The best we could come up with was that she didn't get a lot of respect for her opinions from her husband and was looking for a softer audience, and that she personally liked being told whenever she'd done something well (or looked nice or made delicious dinner, or picked a good restaurant, or chose the best soup off the menu, or was reading a good book) and she was trying to demonstrate how she wanted to be treated, whether or not that was how we wanted to be treated. Unfortunately I can't end this story well, she *still* drives me bonkers, but I can say that I'm working on it.
That said, yours is a somewhat different situation. Think about why she might be acting the way she does for reasons that aren't specifically about you. But like other posters, I'd recommend that you address this with her semi-directly. Make some time to sit down and talk with her "like you used to do". Make sure she knows you respect her and appreciate all she's done for you. Make sure she knows how essential her support was when you needed it. Share things about your current life and who you've become - be positive, but honest, and show her that you're doing okay without showing off or potentially seeming fake. Thank her for her help (in the past tense) making this possible. Finish by making sure she feels loved, and understands that you still want her in your life even though you don't need her advice any more. "I used to need you to be my godmother and take care of me, and now I want to get to know you as an adult friend. I really admire the relationship that you and Mom have and I want to get to know you more in the way that she does."
posted by aimedwander at 8:28 AM on May 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
« Older How to dream, fantasize, and aspire? | How to care for a family of refugees who can't... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Could it be that maybe she hasn't seen much of you so her internal image of you is still that of a confused teen? Maybe this trip will help reset the new adult you to her. It might help if you actually say words like, "I appreciate how much you helped me as a child, thanks to your guidance I've grown to be happy, healthy etcetc. I'm really looking forward to connecting to each other as equals instead of the scared kid I was then. HINT HINT."
Then if she continues with the kid gloves around you, just good naturedly laugh it off and tell her she doesn't have to tiptoe around you, you're all grown up now, and hey, you're in Italy, let's have a glass of wine together!
I just think your godmother needs help to see you for who you are now. I wouldn't reflect on the past, if she tries to bring it up, I would refocus conversations about your great achievements, apartment, job, dating life. Force her to see you as an adult.
posted by Jubey at 12:09 AM on May 17, 2017 [19 favorites]