Threat Level RED for pale green incident

May 12, 2017 8:29 AM

I recently got a call from a colleague who was upset over what turned out to be a misunderstanding. We talked and cleared it up, but I noticed a physiological response on my part to the stress and hurt/anger in his voice. My heart rate went up, my voice got hoarser, my hands were shaking. Several minutes later my heart rate was still elevated, my palms were damp and trembling, and I still felt generally discomfited.

suspect this isn't typical and I'd like to better understand it. It's not unusual for me to respond to confrontation in this way or to absorb other people's moods, I just happened to pay close attention this time.

I'm interested in knowing if others experience this and what causes it. I know the high-level answer is fight-or-flight response to a perceived threat, but I think my internal threat indicator has an unusually low setting, or I have an unusually intense response. I'd like to understand why and what might help.

posted by bunderful to Health & Fitness (11 answers total)

I feel exactly those symptoms after a conversation with a client where I assume I'm on some kind of "hot seat." When it turns out I'm not, and they're just making a general inquiry, the symptoms disappear in short order.
I was a guilty kid as a kid, and those childhood manifestations come washing over me as an adult in "I might be guilty" situations. In addition to the symptoms you list, I get a faintness washing over my head.
posted by BostonTerrier at 8:34 AM on May 12, 2017 [8 favorites]

I do suffer from some generalized anxiety, but I think it's pretty normal to respond to other people's hurt/anger with a certain amount of adrenaline. "Something's wrong!" is a valid alarm.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:39 AM on May 12, 2017 [4 favorites]

Do you identify as female and does he identify as male? I have this kind of reaction to expressions of male stress and anger because for women, male anger can be actually dangerous to our health and well-being. And my body can't tell the difference between someone who can't (on the phone, for instance) or won't (someone I trust completely) hurt me and someone who might. It's basically low-level PTSD. I also don't think this is unusual.

(It's compounded for me by the fact that I grew up in a household where my dad's feelings of anger and hurt were always the fault of his children or spouse. So if Dad was already in a bad mood, it would get taken out on us. I think I would have the stress reaction anyway because of the possible physical danger of an angry or displeased male, but being trained that a stressed man = punishment for me regardless of what I did didn't help. Maybe something like that is happening for you too and exacerbating things?)
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:20 AM on May 12, 2017 [10 favorites]

I had the shaking response once at work for some accusations of screwing up that I thought were slanted / false.
posted by puddledork at 9:34 AM on May 12, 2017

For me it's anxiety and (C)PTSD. To figure out what was going on, I started with my GP and eventually she referred me to a psychiatrist (and I got some useful medications), and then I got a great therapist.
posted by wintersweet at 9:34 AM on May 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: One of the reasons I'm asking is that this also seems to negatively impact my attempts at relationships, and is one reason my career has stagnated - I just can't handle the stress that comes with some of the things I'd be interested in otherwise.

I am female and the person in this example is male, but I've had similar reactions to women during conflict. However I did often have the experience on childhood of an angry adult meaning I might be hit or yelled at. In work contexts it's been commented on as unusual and I've been advised not to let people "get to me." The PTSD angle is interesting.
posted by bunderful at 9:43 AM on May 12, 2017 [3 favorites]

So I had the exact same physiological reaction this week in a different context.

I was facilitating a remote meeting with the the CFO of a large hospital and a bunch of her VPs, trying to get their buy-in on a plan to resolve an issue that could cost them millions of dollars if it were handled wrong. Right as I went to start off the meeting, the Skype meeting and the presentation Powerpoint on my computer crashed, and when we couldn't resolve it I ended up having to wing it without the content I was planning on presenting.

These are long-standing clients of mine who are very level-headed, nobody was pissed at me at all for the technology issues, and in the end the meeting went fine, but in that first minute I had all the same physiological reactions that you did: heart rate way up, suddenly completely soaked in sweat, voice getting hoarser, I'm 99% sure I was also blushing beet red.

That's pretty much how the body responds to adrenaline - I don't know that it ever goes away entirely, but I can say from experience that the more you gradually expose yourself to these kinds of stressful situations, the higher your threshold for when it kicks in becomes, and the better you can get at managing through it. There certainly are medications that can help many people too.

Contra WidgetAlley, I was a guy presenting to a mostly female audience, and as I said nobody was even actually angry, but I did also experience a lot of emotional abuse from my father when I was growing up centered around his explosive and unpredictable anger, and I definitely agree with her idea that this can often be the result of low-level PTSD from past abuse.
posted by strangely stunted trees at 9:46 AM on May 12, 2017 [2 favorites]

Although an amount of this is normal and common if you feel that your experience is more intense than it "should be" this might be a trigger related to trauma.

What you're describing is called sympathetic nervous system activation/arousal and the remedy is parasympathetic nervous system activation.
posted by crunchy potato at 10:53 AM on May 12, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Sounds to me like you get emotionally flooded easily. The article I linked to is focused on romantic relationships and conflict, but the reality is that any sort of emotionally intense situation can trigger a flood. The key is to give yourself some time to let the physiological response to settle. There is some other great advice at the end of the article. Good luck, I've been there. Often.
posted by iamkimiam at 11:21 AM on May 12, 2017

I have exactly this reaction when wrongly accused. I'm not an emotional, anxious or up-tight person, but it happens every time it becomes apparent I've been misunderstood.

Or in a recent case, a long-time friend of mine, asked (very kindly) why I told someone in a certain location that I never liked them, and could we get it out in the open and sorted out? The thing is, it didn't even happen and I wasn't even in the place he mentioned.

No factual basis - so why worry?
No physical threat - so why worry?
No anger - so why worry?

But - bingo - same physical reaction.

Normal in my opinion.
posted by blue_wardrobe at 11:32 AM on May 12, 2017

I have the same oversensitivity to anger (compared with other people), and have always assumed it's because I had a very angry parent growing up who would yell, throw things, spank etc. Or maybe it's just my personality.

I haven't really figured out a solution other than avoiding people who have anger issues. I'd rather not be so anger-sensitive since it can be inconvenient, but at the same time it seems ridiculous that so many people seem to think anger outbursts should just be tolerated by their victims. I'm not really convinced we're the problem here.
posted by randomnity at 12:01 PM on May 12, 2017 [1 favorite]