How to be a dad?
May 11, 2017 1:33 PM Subscribe
I want to deep-dive into how to be a great dad, but I have no idea where to start.
(Possible duplicate, "good advice for a new dad," but it was 11 years ago and more general than what I'm looking for.)
I just turned 40, and the wifey and I are trying to start a family. I'm terrified I'm going to mentally scar my future little one. What .. where do I find the latest "research shows you should or should not raise your child this way" information?
For example, we're not spanking any more, right? What about avoiding the word "no" - my sister is doing that with their 1.5-year-old, but I never asked her where she got that from. My dad avoided the word "hate" when raising my littlest brother. My bro-in-law is trying to raise their daughter speaking both English and French, but he himself is not a native French speaker; that seems like a terrible idea to me, but I have nothing to back that up either way.
What are the ramifications of raising an only child vs. having 2-4 littles? Public school vs. private school? I love my low-carb diet, but is it appropriate for a pregnant wife or little ones?
Or my most dreaded, deepest fear - I'm terrified the fetus will have down syndrome since we're both older, or cystic fibrosis since we're both carriers, or amblyopia (lazy eye) like I did, or born missing a hip like my nephew ... is that all tested for automatically or should I make sure I know what tests to ask for??
Sorry, it's a lot of questions, but I wanted to give you guys a sense of what I'm looking for. Any and all help is appreciated.
(Possible duplicate, "good advice for a new dad," but it was 11 years ago and more general than what I'm looking for.)
I just turned 40, and the wifey and I are trying to start a family. I'm terrified I'm going to mentally scar my future little one. What .. where do I find the latest "research shows you should or should not raise your child this way" information?
For example, we're not spanking any more, right? What about avoiding the word "no" - my sister is doing that with their 1.5-year-old, but I never asked her where she got that from. My dad avoided the word "hate" when raising my littlest brother. My bro-in-law is trying to raise their daughter speaking both English and French, but he himself is not a native French speaker; that seems like a terrible idea to me, but I have nothing to back that up either way.
What are the ramifications of raising an only child vs. having 2-4 littles? Public school vs. private school? I love my low-carb diet, but is it appropriate for a pregnant wife or little ones?
Or my most dreaded, deepest fear - I'm terrified the fetus will have down syndrome since we're both older, or cystic fibrosis since we're both carriers, or amblyopia (lazy eye) like I did, or born missing a hip like my nephew ... is that all tested for automatically or should I make sure I know what tests to ask for??
Sorry, it's a lot of questions, but I wanted to give you guys a sense of what I'm looking for. Any and all help is appreciated.
Relax (and don't worry too much about not being relaxed enough).
The Good Enough Parent Is the Best Parent
For specifics: Babycenter is a good first stop site. They start with Before You Try Getting Pregnant. Your wife should have a preconception checkup where you can ask any remaining questions.
Oh, and I definitely plan to mentally scar my kids. That's #7 on the dad duties list.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:45 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
The Good Enough Parent Is the Best Parent
For specifics: Babycenter is a good first stop site. They start with Before You Try Getting Pregnant. Your wife should have a preconception checkup where you can ask any remaining questions.
Oh, and I definitely plan to mentally scar my kids. That's #7 on the dad duties list.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 1:45 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
There's a lot here, but I'll just rec two books (that I believe I found out about from Ask when I was browsing similar questions) which I think are good, basic starting points. Nicholas Day's Baby Meets World and Tara Haelle and Emily Willingham's The Informed Parent. I read both of these during my pregnancy and they provided a very helpful grounding for my "oh god a baby is coming what is a baby how does a baby work do we understand how to baby a baby" freakouts.
posted by cpatterson at 1:47 PM on May 11, 2017
posted by cpatterson at 1:47 PM on May 11, 2017
Some thoughts (I don't have kids, but I was one, and I have a great dad).
"No" is a fantastic word to use, especially early on. Yes, it will backfire on you when babby says it back to you. But they should learn what it means.
You should talk to a nutritionist, but I think a balanced diet of carbs and proteins and vegetables and everything else is probably best for everyone who isn't trying to control their weight.
You can definitely have your fetus tested for abnormalities. However, it's what you do with that information that's important (which, obviously, is to research on how to be the best parent for a kid with that medical condition.) Since you would be older parents, you will be screened for more things than other pregnancies.
To be honest with you, the reason that at 37, I am still close with my dad has very little to do with most of your questions, and all to do with the fact that he showed up for me, cared that I was working to my absolute highest potential, and made sure that I never let my medical disabilities hold me back. He believes in me.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:47 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
"No" is a fantastic word to use, especially early on. Yes, it will backfire on you when babby says it back to you. But they should learn what it means.
You should talk to a nutritionist, but I think a balanced diet of carbs and proteins and vegetables and everything else is probably best for everyone who isn't trying to control their weight.
You can definitely have your fetus tested for abnormalities. However, it's what you do with that information that's important (which, obviously, is to research on how to be the best parent for a kid with that medical condition.) Since you would be older parents, you will be screened for more things than other pregnancies.
To be honest with you, the reason that at 37, I am still close with my dad has very little to do with most of your questions, and all to do with the fact that he showed up for me, cared that I was working to my absolute highest potential, and made sure that I never let my medical disabilities hold me back. He believes in me.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:47 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'll share my secret to awesome parenting, which I originally found in some book on how to raise toddlers: only phrase things as questions if "no" is an acceptable answer.
It will feel weird at first to tell the kid to do stuff, as most of us don't interact that way with other adults. We say things like "How about you finish that report by Friday?" because it sounds more polite than "finish that report by Friday."
So if you want a toddler to pick up their toys, say "Please pick up your toys" and not "Would you please pick up your toys?" The second one will get a no, and lead to upsetness that you asked their opinion but ignored it.
Ok one more secret. When my oldest kid would wake up in the middle of the night, we watched Babylon 5 while I rocked her back to sleep. With my youngest, we watched DS9. They both think Kirk is better than Picard. YMMV.
posted by BeeDo at 1:47 PM on May 11, 2017 [13 favorites]
It will feel weird at first to tell the kid to do stuff, as most of us don't interact that way with other adults. We say things like "How about you finish that report by Friday?" because it sounds more polite than "finish that report by Friday."
So if you want a toddler to pick up their toys, say "Please pick up your toys" and not "Would you please pick up your toys?" The second one will get a no, and lead to upsetness that you asked their opinion but ignored it.
Ok one more secret. When my oldest kid would wake up in the middle of the night, we watched Babylon 5 while I rocked her back to sleep. With my youngest, we watched DS9. They both think Kirk is better than Picard. YMMV.
posted by BeeDo at 1:47 PM on May 11, 2017 [13 favorites]
Or my most dreaded, deepest fear - I'm terrified the fetus will have down syndrome since we're both older, or cystic fibrosis since we're both carriers, or amblyopia (lazy eye) like I did, or born missing a hip like my nephew ... is that all tested for automatically or should I make sure I know what tests to ask for??
I do not know what your personal beliefs are, nor in which state you live. Here in California, many OB/GYNs will mandate non-invasive prenatal testing (NIPT) for mothers over the age of 35. While no test is 100% accurate, current DNA sequencing technology comes relatively close to it, and in enough time that, should there be anomalies, you could decide to terminate. There's a bunch of different chromosomal anomalies that are tested for, including trisomies (Down's and others) and CF. You'll know quite early if your fetus has CF with this type of testing.
Make sure you ask your OB/GYN for DNA sequencing NIPT tests. MeMail me if you'd like additional information.
As for the rest of it, there are plenty of us who were told "no" as youngsters, who did not grow up bilingual, and who may have been spanked within reason - and we turned out to be successful, well-adjusted adults. I'm not justifying spanking, and I'm not saying that we don't refine our parenting skills as we progress as a society.
As the mother of a fifteen-month-old, the only thing I've learned in the past year is that comparing myself to other parents is insane-making. Instead, my boyfriend and I (both first-time parents), have come to accept that as long as we do what's best for our family, and our son is a happy, fed, clean, child, parenting will be manageable. Of course we try to do everything in our power to provide ALL THE BEST THINGS for our child. But recognizing our own fallibility as parents is probably the best way to maintain our own sanity, and thus to ensure that our son is being raised the best way we possibly can. You will make mistakes. We all do. Accept that, and you're well on your way to being a good parent!
posted by Everydayville at 1:49 PM on May 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
I do not know what your personal beliefs are, nor in which state you live. Here in California, many OB/GYNs will mandate non-invasive prenatal testing (NIPT) for mothers over the age of 35. While no test is 100% accurate, current DNA sequencing technology comes relatively close to it, and in enough time that, should there be anomalies, you could decide to terminate. There's a bunch of different chromosomal anomalies that are tested for, including trisomies (Down's and others) and CF. You'll know quite early if your fetus has CF with this type of testing.
Make sure you ask your OB/GYN for DNA sequencing NIPT tests. MeMail me if you'd like additional information.
As for the rest of it, there are plenty of us who were told "no" as youngsters, who did not grow up bilingual, and who may have been spanked within reason - and we turned out to be successful, well-adjusted adults. I'm not justifying spanking, and I'm not saying that we don't refine our parenting skills as we progress as a society.
As the mother of a fifteen-month-old, the only thing I've learned in the past year is that comparing myself to other parents is insane-making. Instead, my boyfriend and I (both first-time parents), have come to accept that as long as we do what's best for our family, and our son is a happy, fed, clean, child, parenting will be manageable. Of course we try to do everything in our power to provide ALL THE BEST THINGS for our child. But recognizing our own fallibility as parents is probably the best way to maintain our own sanity, and thus to ensure that our son is being raised the best way we possibly can. You will make mistakes. We all do. Accept that, and you're well on your way to being a good parent!
posted by Everydayville at 1:49 PM on May 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
The best thing you can do as a dad is ignore traditional gender roles. Take on cooking and cleaning responsibilities. Show up for school events. Remember doctor's visits and manage your kids' social calendar.
My dad bucked gender roles in a ton of ways (he does 100% of the cleaning--dishes, laundry, vacuuming, whatever), was super active in our classroom life at school, etc, and that did a ton of good for my brother and me.
For instance, I have never felt burdened by emotional labor in my relationships because I expect the men I date to pull their own weight. I grew up without seeing any kind of separation for what things are "women's work" and what aren't. Being a good role model starts with the little things.
posted by phunniemee at 1:49 PM on May 11, 2017 [67 favorites]
My dad bucked gender roles in a ton of ways (he does 100% of the cleaning--dishes, laundry, vacuuming, whatever), was super active in our classroom life at school, etc, and that did a ton of good for my brother and me.
For instance, I have never felt burdened by emotional labor in my relationships because I expect the men I date to pull their own weight. I grew up without seeing any kind of separation for what things are "women's work" and what aren't. Being a good role model starts with the little things.
posted by phunniemee at 1:49 PM on May 11, 2017 [67 favorites]
I'll share my secret to awesome parenting, which I originally found in some book on how to raise toddlers: only phrase things as questions if "no" is an acceptable answer.
I was going to say something very much like this, but I figure I'll give you the slightly alternate phrasing I was thinking of: never negotiate with a kid unless it's okay that they get their way. If the outcome is unimportant, negotiation is a great way to learn about human interaction and build social skills. But you're the adult -- if there's only one acceptable outcome (running into traffic, hitting your little friends with blocks, whatever), trying to negotiate your way to that outcome is going to go bad. Go straight to using your authority to impose your will. (Also, spot issues where you actually may not be able to compel a kid to obey, and don't make them an issue.)
posted by LizardBreath at 1:59 PM on May 11, 2017 [5 favorites]
I was going to say something very much like this, but I figure I'll give you the slightly alternate phrasing I was thinking of: never negotiate with a kid unless it's okay that they get their way. If the outcome is unimportant, negotiation is a great way to learn about human interaction and build social skills. But you're the adult -- if there's only one acceptable outcome (running into traffic, hitting your little friends with blocks, whatever), trying to negotiate your way to that outcome is going to go bad. Go straight to using your authority to impose your will. (Also, spot issues where you actually may not be able to compel a kid to obey, and don't make them an issue.)
posted by LizardBreath at 1:59 PM on May 11, 2017 [5 favorites]
I can't emphasize how strongly I agree with phunniemee. Not only will it relieve the burden on your partner, but it'll help counter all the toxic-ass social programming about masculinity. I think it's probably the most important thing (after, y'know, basic food/shelter/not being abusive stuff) that a dad can do.
In addition, I think it's an important part of the pre-Dad-ing process that you should examine your "dreaded, deepest fear" that your child has Down syndrome, cystic fibrosis, amblyopia, or missing a hip. Each of those conditions is really, really different from the other. Further, each condition can manifest itself pretty differently. (I know about mostly the amblyopia, which I have a mild version of, and reading about cystic fibrosis/Down syndrome while I was pregnant.)
What I'm trying to say is, I guess: to help yourself be a better dad, you should ask yourself exactly what you're so afraid of. Are you worried about whether you'd be able to love a kid with those conditions? Is it because you're worried about the emotional/financial impact on you and your spouse? Is it because of unresolved personal feelings about your own amblyopia, or is it unexamined societal prejudice against the disabled, like the idea that somebody with Down syndrome can't have a happy life?
posted by joyceanmachine at 2:15 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
In addition, I think it's an important part of the pre-Dad-ing process that you should examine your "dreaded, deepest fear" that your child has Down syndrome, cystic fibrosis, amblyopia, or missing a hip. Each of those conditions is really, really different from the other. Further, each condition can manifest itself pretty differently. (I know about mostly the amblyopia, which I have a mild version of, and reading about cystic fibrosis/Down syndrome while I was pregnant.)
What I'm trying to say is, I guess: to help yourself be a better dad, you should ask yourself exactly what you're so afraid of. Are you worried about whether you'd be able to love a kid with those conditions? Is it because you're worried about the emotional/financial impact on you and your spouse? Is it because of unresolved personal feelings about your own amblyopia, or is it unexamined societal prejudice against the disabled, like the idea that somebody with Down syndrome can't have a happy life?
posted by joyceanmachine at 2:15 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best advice I ever got: If you're worried about being a good parent, you probably already are one. The bad ones are generally bad without giving it a second thought.
posted by whitewall at 2:25 PM on May 11, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by whitewall at 2:25 PM on May 11, 2017 [6 favorites]
In a similar vein to the comments above about "no" and negotiation I think that "try to never make a promise or a threat you won't fulfil" is pretty important. To some extent it doesn't matter so much where you set the boundaries, just as long as they're consistent. If your child knows that you do and mean what you say, it will help them to feel safe and learn about love and respect.
And don't beat yourself up every time you don't follow this advice. It will happen. The best parents mess things up and make mistakes. A parent-child relationship is like any other relationship, you work on it together and over time.
I think you'll be fine. The very fact that you're asking and thinking about this stuff is a very good sign.
posted by howfar at 2:31 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
And don't beat yourself up every time you don't follow this advice. It will happen. The best parents mess things up and make mistakes. A parent-child relationship is like any other relationship, you work on it together and over time.
I think you'll be fine. The very fact that you're asking and thinking about this stuff is a very good sign.
posted by howfar at 2:31 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Check out the thread on the book, "How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids"
Many of the comments extolled the benefits of fathers dismissing gendered parenting/domestic labor and being very involved with their kids, with great results for all.
posted by quince at 2:40 PM on May 11, 2017 [7 favorites]
Many of the comments extolled the benefits of fathers dismissing gendered parenting/domestic labor and being very involved with their kids, with great results for all.
posted by quince at 2:40 PM on May 11, 2017 [7 favorites]
I think you can prepare for being an awesome dad by working on your "crisis" skills. I mean, work on how you will handle minor frustrations (road rage, scheduling conflicts and dropped ice cream cones) and bigger life hurdles (change in career, money issues, relationship issues, family health stuff, relationship imbalances, etc). I do not mean you have to have a plan for each of these things, but it can really help you be a calmer and kinder parent and spouse if you think about how you would approach these things.
As you and your wife navigate becoming parents, how will you divide your current responsibilities? How will you make sure it feels equitable to both of you? How do you handle conflict? Are you guys communicating in a way that will be manageable and reassuring to a child? Do you feel confident about your financial future? Do you feel like you are on the same page about birth, health care, parenting style, religion, friends, etc? Maybe the answer to some of these questions is "Nope!" That's okay! Now is a good time to talk through some of these things.
Think about the tools you'd like to develop to maintain a solid family foundation. Is that reading pregnancy and parenting books with your wife? Taking classes together? Going to see a financial advisor? Talking about how your jobs will change as you start a family? What if you hit a tough spot? Will you consider counseling? What is your support system like? Is this a good time to be conscious about reconnecting with young families in your friend and family circles? What will make you feel "ready"?
Everything you do to maintain your relationship, plan for your future and build up your support system will serve you well.
posted by annaramma at 2:41 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
As you and your wife navigate becoming parents, how will you divide your current responsibilities? How will you make sure it feels equitable to both of you? How do you handle conflict? Are you guys communicating in a way that will be manageable and reassuring to a child? Do you feel confident about your financial future? Do you feel like you are on the same page about birth, health care, parenting style, religion, friends, etc? Maybe the answer to some of these questions is "Nope!" That's okay! Now is a good time to talk through some of these things.
Think about the tools you'd like to develop to maintain a solid family foundation. Is that reading pregnancy and parenting books with your wife? Taking classes together? Going to see a financial advisor? Talking about how your jobs will change as you start a family? What if you hit a tough spot? Will you consider counseling? What is your support system like? Is this a good time to be conscious about reconnecting with young families in your friend and family circles? What will make you feel "ready"?
Everything you do to maintain your relationship, plan for your future and build up your support system will serve you well.
posted by annaramma at 2:41 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
In a related thread to the "no" vein, I have found it is extremely helpful to tell small children what you DO want them to do instead.
For a 9 month old: "Ow! No hitting! Gentle hands! (while you stroke your arm with one of their hands)"
For a 3 year old: "Ow! No hitting! You can say 'I AM MAD!'"
Sometimes it's actually really hard to figure out what you want your kid to do in a specific situation (like if, say, a toddler sibling is trying to eat their legos, but you don't want them to drag the toddler bodily across the room). If you can't tell your kid an acceptable thing for them to do in $situation, then you need to take action to prevent $situation from occurring, rather than just yelling "DON'T HIT YOUR SISTER"
Finally, you WILL cock up and get mad at your kids about stupid stuff. Don't be afraid to apologize to them! Apologizing is a skill that's SO hard to learn, and that kids don't see modeled nearly enough. They especially don't see genuine apologies modeled, mostly just the "DON'T HIT YOUR SISTER. GO SAY YOU'RE SORRY RIGHT NOW" "[scowlmumble]sorry[/scowlmumble]".
posted by telepanda at 2:51 PM on May 11, 2017 [6 favorites]
For a 9 month old: "Ow! No hitting! Gentle hands! (while you stroke your arm with one of their hands)"
For a 3 year old: "Ow! No hitting! You can say 'I AM MAD!'"
Sometimes it's actually really hard to figure out what you want your kid to do in a specific situation (like if, say, a toddler sibling is trying to eat their legos, but you don't want them to drag the toddler bodily across the room). If you can't tell your kid an acceptable thing for them to do in $situation, then you need to take action to prevent $situation from occurring, rather than just yelling "DON'T HIT YOUR SISTER"
Finally, you WILL cock up and get mad at your kids about stupid stuff. Don't be afraid to apologize to them! Apologizing is a skill that's SO hard to learn, and that kids don't see modeled nearly enough. They especially don't see genuine apologies modeled, mostly just the "DON'T HIT YOUR SISTER. GO SAY YOU'RE SORRY RIGHT NOW" "[scowlmumble]sorry[/scowlmumble]".
posted by telepanda at 2:51 PM on May 11, 2017 [6 favorites]
Re: CF, both my partner and I are carriers and our last baby has it (we had no idea until now). Although amniocentesis can test for this it's pretty late in the day (testing from 15 weeks and two weeks or more for the results). What you probably want is CVS testing. This can be done at 12 weeks thus you get the results around 14 weeks. If abortion is a no-no for you for whatever reason, the other option is IVF with PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis) where they test before implantation. It's not cheap, nor easy, nor quick.
Everyone will automatically have screening, which gives you your probabilities. It's almost completely pointless for you, as you already know that the chances your baby will have CF are one in four. Everything else is very low probability. Chances of Downs and other genetic abnormalities depend far more on her age, not yours.
You will have to specifically ask for CVS testing, with the addition of a search for CF. It won't be "tested for automatically". You will also have to make your own decisions about what to do about it. Having one CF kid isn't the end of the world. Having two is very bad news as they can infect each other (CF kids shouldn't meet each other).
We have the added complication of my partner having MS and so we knew that we couldn't knowingly bring a child into the world who wouldn't have a good chance of being self-supporting as an adult.
We got the good news last week, he has no obvious issues and is due in November :-)
posted by tillsbury at 2:55 PM on May 11, 2017
Everyone will automatically have screening, which gives you your probabilities. It's almost completely pointless for you, as you already know that the chances your baby will have CF are one in four. Everything else is very low probability. Chances of Downs and other genetic abnormalities depend far more on her age, not yours.
You will have to specifically ask for CVS testing, with the addition of a search for CF. It won't be "tested for automatically". You will also have to make your own decisions about what to do about it. Having one CF kid isn't the end of the world. Having two is very bad news as they can infect each other (CF kids shouldn't meet each other).
We have the added complication of my partner having MS and so we knew that we couldn't knowingly bring a child into the world who wouldn't have a good chance of being self-supporting as an adult.
We got the good news last week, he has no obvious issues and is due in November :-)
posted by tillsbury at 2:55 PM on May 11, 2017
Focusing on just this one very specific detail- do you actually know that you and your partner are both carriers of cystic fibrosis, or is that a hypothetical? If you don't know, you can be carrier tested for the most common genetic mutations as part of your pre-pregnancy battery of tests. They would start with your partner, and if she is a carrier, they would then test you.
If you are both definitely carriers, there is a 1 in 4 chance that any pregnancy results in a child with cystic fibrosis. Depending on what this means to you, you may wish to explore IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening (known as PGD). This means you would do IVF, but only implant embryos that do no have two copies of the CF mutations.
posted by whodatninja at 3:07 PM on May 11, 2017
If you are both definitely carriers, there is a 1 in 4 chance that any pregnancy results in a child with cystic fibrosis. Depending on what this means to you, you may wish to explore IVF with pre-implantation genetic screening (known as PGD). This means you would do IVF, but only implant embryos that do no have two copies of the CF mutations.
posted by whodatninja at 3:07 PM on May 11, 2017
Re: single kids, please don't panic about this. There's a whole load of nonsense spoken about this from both sides. As a child with four siblings I have always dreamed of having none. My son was an only (was intended as an only) and of course very occasionally he wished he had siblings. Grass is greener. On the other hand, his request for siblings was far more infrequent than my desire for none! :-)
Now, aged 13, he has become the oldest in a blended family with a foster brother and a half-brother (soon to be two). This is a bit of a culture shock to him, but he's getting the hang of it. Although changing nappies is still unsurprisingly on his "no chance" list.
Re: saying no. We are giving this a go with our 20-month-old. The idea is to avoid teaching him the word "No" as his most commonly heard word. We usually use "uh-uh" (said in the "no don't do that" tone) for most things, and a slightly louder low-voiced his name as a "no". Although obviously "No" comes out sometimes, he doesn't hear it every minute which is what could easily happen.
Re: smacking, your mileage may vary depending upon your experience or location. Here in NZ, it's illegal so that's that sorted out. Physical force is only allowed when intervening for the child's immediate safety (i.e. no-one is going to prosecute you for hurting a child if you were actually in the act of pulling or pushing him out of the way of an oncoming car or a cliff he was about to jump off). Smacking (and a lot more) was common when I was a kid, and the best it has managed in my experience is bringing up some people believing that assaulting your child is a good thing, or is at least excusable. So it has affected them pretty badly.
Yes, bringing up kids without physical coercion is harder. You might easily find that your kids are slightly less obedient and compliant. However, they won't physically fear you, which is good in my book. My experiences with kids (of colleagues, friends, ex-girlfriends) is that some children do indeed have almost Victorian levels of obsequiousness and duty. Getting to know them usually reveals that they were hit as younger kids. It's easy if that's what you want. Another alternative is to brainwash them with stories of imaginary beings who will make their lives hell or worse, but personally I'm not keen on deliberately lying to kids about the world.
I once read that it should be made legal to smack your kids, but when doing it you had to simultaneously say "I am doing this because I am an inept parent". I think that would work, too.
posted by tillsbury at 3:15 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Now, aged 13, he has become the oldest in a blended family with a foster brother and a half-brother (soon to be two). This is a bit of a culture shock to him, but he's getting the hang of it. Although changing nappies is still unsurprisingly on his "no chance" list.
Re: saying no. We are giving this a go with our 20-month-old. The idea is to avoid teaching him the word "No" as his most commonly heard word. We usually use "uh-uh" (said in the "no don't do that" tone) for most things, and a slightly louder low-voiced his name as a "no". Although obviously "No" comes out sometimes, he doesn't hear it every minute which is what could easily happen.
Re: smacking, your mileage may vary depending upon your experience or location. Here in NZ, it's illegal so that's that sorted out. Physical force is only allowed when intervening for the child's immediate safety (i.e. no-one is going to prosecute you for hurting a child if you were actually in the act of pulling or pushing him out of the way of an oncoming car or a cliff he was about to jump off). Smacking (and a lot more) was common when I was a kid, and the best it has managed in my experience is bringing up some people believing that assaulting your child is a good thing, or is at least excusable. So it has affected them pretty badly.
Yes, bringing up kids without physical coercion is harder. You might easily find that your kids are slightly less obedient and compliant. However, they won't physically fear you, which is good in my book. My experiences with kids (of colleagues, friends, ex-girlfriends) is that some children do indeed have almost Victorian levels of obsequiousness and duty. Getting to know them usually reveals that they were hit as younger kids. It's easy if that's what you want. Another alternative is to brainwash them with stories of imaginary beings who will make their lives hell or worse, but personally I'm not keen on deliberately lying to kids about the world.
I once read that it should be made legal to smack your kids, but when doing it you had to simultaneously say "I am doing this because I am an inept parent". I think that would work, too.
posted by tillsbury at 3:15 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
The best advice I got before my children were born came from the meeting we had with our pediatrician. We met with a few to decide who would be it. Dr. Marc Weisbluth, writer of one of THE books on sleep, said to us when we asked him about all the information we could get, "Always remember, this is your child's first time too. You will make mistakes. They will not know you made a mistake. They just want to be loved, fed and to sleep." Great advice for the first six months.
To me, after the first six months, the best way to raise a child is to model the behavior that you want them to learn. They will learn empathy from you. They will learn to serve their community if you do. They will learn from watching you and your spouse. Be a good person. It will trickle down.
posted by AugustWest at 3:39 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
To me, after the first six months, the best way to raise a child is to model the behavior that you want them to learn. They will learn empathy from you. They will learn to serve their community if you do. They will learn from watching you and your spouse. Be a good person. It will trickle down.
posted by AugustWest at 3:39 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm a father of a 2 year old. I am by no means an expert but I can relate to you.
Not really advice because seriously....he's two! What do I know? But I would like to share what I do and my philosophy of parenting -
1. Being informed is good. Chasing the perfect in terms of the 'best' and 'latest' research on parenting? That's recipe for anxiety. Raising a kid is anxiety inducing enough in my opinion.
2. Have clear goals on what you want for your little one to be. Statement of purpose of parenting if you will. I find it to be a good guide in helping me be consistent and how to navigate new situations. Fostering independence for example is important to me. The kid is starting to learn to climb? My first instinct would be to say no and hold him close in case he falls. But that doesn't jibe with my goal for him - so I quickly scan and assess the damage if he falls. If it's acceptable, I let him go explore while I try to compose myself for the times when he will indeed fall.
3. Be who you want your kid to be. It's grossly unfair to expect a little child to follow your directions if you do not follow it yourself. You want them to be kind and empathetic and pick up their toys? Then be kind and empathetic and not be a slob. Even if they do not turn out to be what you expect, the world will be a slightly better place because *you* are better.
4. Regardless of points 2 and 3, no matter how they turn out, value them. They are amazing little beings who are becoming their own persons. Value them. And enjoy them.
5. And finally know what your purpose as a parent is. To be an anchor and ground for them while they need it. And a launch pad into adulthood when it's time for them to fly.
posted by 7life at 3:53 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Not really advice because seriously....he's two! What do I know? But I would like to share what I do and my philosophy of parenting -
1. Being informed is good. Chasing the perfect in terms of the 'best' and 'latest' research on parenting? That's recipe for anxiety. Raising a kid is anxiety inducing enough in my opinion.
2. Have clear goals on what you want for your little one to be. Statement of purpose of parenting if you will. I find it to be a good guide in helping me be consistent and how to navigate new situations. Fostering independence for example is important to me. The kid is starting to learn to climb? My first instinct would be to say no and hold him close in case he falls. But that doesn't jibe with my goal for him - so I quickly scan and assess the damage if he falls. If it's acceptable, I let him go explore while I try to compose myself for the times when he will indeed fall.
3. Be who you want your kid to be. It's grossly unfair to expect a little child to follow your directions if you do not follow it yourself. You want them to be kind and empathetic and pick up their toys? Then be kind and empathetic and not be a slob. Even if they do not turn out to be what you expect, the world will be a slightly better place because *you* are better.
4. Regardless of points 2 and 3, no matter how they turn out, value them. They are amazing little beings who are becoming their own persons. Value them. And enjoy them.
5. And finally know what your purpose as a parent is. To be an anchor and ground for them while they need it. And a launch pad into adulthood when it's time for them to fly.
posted by 7life at 3:53 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
Empathy has been the most important tool in my kit. If your kid does something ill-thought out or wrong and you can come up with an example of you doing something similar at that age and what you were thinking it is a big win for both of you. Kid'll trust you and tell you what they were thinking. When they describe someone's objectionable behavior at school ask them what that person might be thinking/feeling. It gets the wheels turning.
Not yelling is a pretty big one too. If you never yell they listen when you do.
What Phunnie me said above is critical but hasn't kept my son (he's 11 and I'm 51 btw) from not wanting to wear pink. Which is a shame cause with his copper hair and ruddy cheeks he'd look so good in a pink shirt. At least he cooks.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:03 PM on May 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
Not yelling is a pretty big one too. If you never yell they listen when you do.
What Phunnie me said above is critical but hasn't kept my son (he's 11 and I'm 51 btw) from not wanting to wear pink. Which is a shame cause with his copper hair and ruddy cheeks he'd look so good in a pink shirt. At least he cooks.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:03 PM on May 11, 2017 [3 favorites]
Don't write checks your ass can't cash.
"No." is a complete sentence.
It's okay to just be okay.
Don't be a dick.
Be an equal co-parent.
Childhood eye problems are nbd (I gave my kid my congenital esotropia, he's had two surgeries to correct it, it's fine.)
Signed,
World's Okayest Mom
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:30 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
"No." is a complete sentence.
It's okay to just be okay.
Don't be a dick.
Be an equal co-parent.
Childhood eye problems are nbd (I gave my kid my congenital esotropia, he's had two surgeries to correct it, it's fine.)
Signed,
World's Okayest Mom
posted by soren_lorensen at 5:30 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
I don't think there is one best practice for parenting that is going to work for all parents and all children.
You can get screened for carrier status for common genetic diseases like cystic fibrosis. You can get a CVS to see if the chromosomes are normal (and also find out the baby's chromosomal sex). I just scheduled this with my OB's office and had it done. My insurance paid for it, maybe because I was over 35. Down syndrome risk is a function of maternal age. If she's under 45, you have a better than 95% chance of not having a baby with Down syndrome.
Immunize your kid on schedule. The idea that vaccines cause autism is based on research that we now know was fraudulent (not just mistaken). Get yourself immunized against pertussis if it's been more than five years since you were. Your doctor or a pharmacist can probably get you a diphtheria, tetanus, and pertussis vaccine. Nobody should visit your baby before it is two months old if they haven't had a pertussis vaccine. Babies can and do die from pertussis.
Don't stock up on anything for the baby until you've tried it and found that it works for your baby. You don't know how big your baby will be until it is born (even ultrasounds for determining the baby's size have a substantial margin of error), so don't stock up on clothes or diapers before the baby is born.
Buy baby clothes at consignment stores. If you have Once Upon A Child in your area, they have awesome baby clothes for much less than you'd pay for new.
posted by Anne Neville at 5:44 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
You can get screened for carrier status for common genetic diseases like cystic fibrosis. You can get a CVS to see if the chromosomes are normal (and also find out the baby's chromosomal sex). I just scheduled this with my OB's office and had it done. My insurance paid for it, maybe because I was over 35. Down syndrome risk is a function of maternal age. If she's under 45, you have a better than 95% chance of not having a baby with Down syndrome.
Immunize your kid on schedule. The idea that vaccines cause autism is based on research that we now know was fraudulent (not just mistaken). Get yourself immunized against pertussis if it's been more than five years since you were. Your doctor or a pharmacist can probably get you a diphtheria, tetanus, and pertussis vaccine. Nobody should visit your baby before it is two months old if they haven't had a pertussis vaccine. Babies can and do die from pertussis.
Don't stock up on anything for the baby until you've tried it and found that it works for your baby. You don't know how big your baby will be until it is born (even ultrasounds for determining the baby's size have a substantial margin of error), so don't stock up on clothes or diapers before the baby is born.
Buy baby clothes at consignment stores. If you have Once Upon A Child in your area, they have awesome baby clothes for much less than you'd pay for new.
posted by Anne Neville at 5:44 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]
When your wife is pregnant, especially in the first trimester, if she tells you not to eat something around her, just do it. Don't delay and don't try to reason or negotiate with her. Morning sickness is common, can happen at any time of day, and can be triggered by really random things. It's not even consistent between pregnancies for the same woman. And you really can't reason or negotiate with nausea. My sister craved red meat during one of her pregnancies, I was totally revolted by the smell of raw beef during one of mine.
If you have a cat, you should be on litter box duty from when you start trying to conceive to when the baby is born.
You might get some input on decisions like whether she's going to give up certain foods during pregnancy or breastfeeding, whether she's going to have pain meds during labor, and whether she'll breast or bottle feed, but she gets the final decision on those things (well, on breastfeeding, she gets the final decision if she and the baby can get it to work, which not every mom/baby pair can).
posted by Anne Neville at 6:09 PM on May 11, 2017
If you have a cat, you should be on litter box duty from when you start trying to conceive to when the baby is born.
You might get some input on decisions like whether she's going to give up certain foods during pregnancy or breastfeeding, whether she's going to have pain meds during labor, and whether she'll breast or bottle feed, but she gets the final decision on those things (well, on breastfeeding, she gets the final decision if she and the baby can get it to work, which not every mom/baby pair can).
posted by Anne Neville at 6:09 PM on May 11, 2017
You might run into a situation where you really wanted to be a parent who does X, but you try X and it really isn't working for you or your kid. For me, with my daughter, X was exclusive breastfeeding. I really wanted to do it, but she was losing weight. I gave her some formula alongside breastfeeding, then pumped milk and gave that to her in bottles along with breastfeeding. I was able to get to only breastfeeding, but I wasn't able to do it without ever having given her formula. Ideological purity and parenting don't tend to mix well. You'll make it a lot harder for everybody if you're wedded to one right way of doing things even though you haven't seen if that way actually works for you.
Parenting is HARD, at least some of the time. That's the nature of the beast. It's not because you're doing something wrong. Conversely, if you find some aspect of parenting easy, that doesn't mean you've found the one best way to handle that aspect. Many parents with more than one child have learned this the hard way.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:07 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
Parenting is HARD, at least some of the time. That's the nature of the beast. It's not because you're doing something wrong. Conversely, if you find some aspect of parenting easy, that doesn't mean you've found the one best way to handle that aspect. Many parents with more than one child have learned this the hard way.
posted by Anne Neville at 9:07 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
I am a an equal co-parent of two boys, ages 6 and 8. These are things that have helped us immensely:
This book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. This book is amazing, and has some really important ideas about empathy and communication. It's the only parenting book I have read multiple times, and continue to read (it's also improved my relationship with adults!)
Review and discuss child-rearing with your co-parent. Do this often. Talk about what worked and what didn't. Adjust and adapt. Don't freak out at each other when you fail to be amazing at parenting, just talk it out and try again.
"Quality time" is bullshit. Kids don't care about care about quality, they care about quantity. They just want you to be there. Like, seriously this one is so important. Kids just want you around, even for the dumbest little things. Be present as much as you can and don't overthink it.
Discipline, rules, and saying "no" should be prioritized by the situation, i.e. matters of physical safety trump all negotiating, for everything else it will be a balance of coaching, redirecting, and above all reinforcing integrity and accountability through example.
Never hit your kids full stop. Never. Walk away. Understand that sometimes thy are little shits and it is absolutely infuriating. Your blood will boil, but when that happens just walk away and cool off.
You will regret any decision you make in anger, don't do it.
It's ok to tell your kids that you made a parenting mistake. This also teaches them that they are allowed to make mistakes and that it's important to talk about them and not ignore or hide them from you.
On the subject of bad words. My wife and I differ on our philosophy here, but it's no big deal. Her stance on bad language comes from a religious view and what's "proper". My stance is that our kids need to understand that we don't use certain words because their use can be a type of violence and we don't tolerate violence in any form. Despite our different moral perspectives on this topic we are united in terms of reinforcing what's ok and not ok.
Integrity matters a great deal. Your word is your bond. Live that, teach that.
Kids need to know that it's ok to have and express all of their emotions, and how they choose to act on those feelings should be treated differently than the feelings themselves. In other words, it's ok to be mad as hell, but that doesn't give you permission to hit someone. It's ok to feel envy or jealousy, but those feelings don't grant you special license to steal. And so on.
Also on this note...try not to police their attitude. This goes back to the whole negotiating and discipline thing. For most things where you have to put your foot down, accept the compliance and don't get bent out of shape if said compliance doesn't come with a good "attitude". It's ok if they don't like a certain rule or chore or whatever. They don't have to like it, they just have to do it. Don't make them perform unnecessary emotional labor.
Minimize screen time, especially in their early years. Your pediatrician will probably talk about this with you. It matters. It also matters how you handle this. Times without screens should be seen as opportunities to flex creative muscles, or ACTUAL muscles.
Give them lots of chances to learn how to enjoy unstructured "quiet" time. This will also help your kid handle waiting in lines a lot better.
I could go on, but if I had to sum up all my advice in one sentence I would have to steal a quote from Marcus Aurelius:
"If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it."
posted by Doleful Creature at 10:29 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
This book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. This book is amazing, and has some really important ideas about empathy and communication. It's the only parenting book I have read multiple times, and continue to read (it's also improved my relationship with adults!)
Review and discuss child-rearing with your co-parent. Do this often. Talk about what worked and what didn't. Adjust and adapt. Don't freak out at each other when you fail to be amazing at parenting, just talk it out and try again.
"Quality time" is bullshit. Kids don't care about care about quality, they care about quantity. They just want you to be there. Like, seriously this one is so important. Kids just want you around, even for the dumbest little things. Be present as much as you can and don't overthink it.
Discipline, rules, and saying "no" should be prioritized by the situation, i.e. matters of physical safety trump all negotiating, for everything else it will be a balance of coaching, redirecting, and above all reinforcing integrity and accountability through example.
Never hit your kids full stop. Never. Walk away. Understand that sometimes thy are little shits and it is absolutely infuriating. Your blood will boil, but when that happens just walk away and cool off.
You will regret any decision you make in anger, don't do it.
It's ok to tell your kids that you made a parenting mistake. This also teaches them that they are allowed to make mistakes and that it's important to talk about them and not ignore or hide them from you.
On the subject of bad words. My wife and I differ on our philosophy here, but it's no big deal. Her stance on bad language comes from a religious view and what's "proper". My stance is that our kids need to understand that we don't use certain words because their use can be a type of violence and we don't tolerate violence in any form. Despite our different moral perspectives on this topic we are united in terms of reinforcing what's ok and not ok.
Integrity matters a great deal. Your word is your bond. Live that, teach that.
Kids need to know that it's ok to have and express all of their emotions, and how they choose to act on those feelings should be treated differently than the feelings themselves. In other words, it's ok to be mad as hell, but that doesn't give you permission to hit someone. It's ok to feel envy or jealousy, but those feelings don't grant you special license to steal. And so on.
Also on this note...try not to police their attitude. This goes back to the whole negotiating and discipline thing. For most things where you have to put your foot down, accept the compliance and don't get bent out of shape if said compliance doesn't come with a good "attitude". It's ok if they don't like a certain rule or chore or whatever. They don't have to like it, they just have to do it. Don't make them perform unnecessary emotional labor.
Minimize screen time, especially in their early years. Your pediatrician will probably talk about this with you. It matters. It also matters how you handle this. Times without screens should be seen as opportunities to flex creative muscles, or ACTUAL muscles.
Give them lots of chances to learn how to enjoy unstructured "quiet" time. This will also help your kid handle waiting in lines a lot better.
I could go on, but if I had to sum up all my advice in one sentence I would have to steal a quote from Marcus Aurelius:
"If it is not right do not do it; if it is not true do not say it."
posted by Doleful Creature at 10:29 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]
They just want you to be there. Like, seriously this one is so important. Kids just want you around, even for the dumbest little things. Be present as much as you can and don't overthink it.
I was wondering what/if to contribute and this reminded me.
You can go a long way by just being with them ... really *being* ... not looking at the TV or thinking about what's wrong with the car ... engagement.
Don't look at your phone when you're with them and don't have head phones on when you're with them. The times I see parents in a playground hunched over their phone while the kids are playing .... it's like watching a tragedy unfolding in slow motion.
All that stuff that books tell you to do and not to do and whatever ? Just be present, talk and react ("Ha-ha that's a good slide", "Oh isn't that is a nice pussy !", "I wonder where that bus is going ?"). And you can start this when they are ten days old. While you're changing them ? While you're feeding them ? Chat away about their toes, about the weather ... just anything . You feel like a nutter at first because there's not much response but there will be. Same thing when you're pushing them in push chair or driving the car. Don't have music on - just keep chatting to them .
When they're of an age to do so lie on the carpet beside them while they play and do nothing ! Well not until something comes along to do but basically just watch and wait - they will engage with you after a while but make sure you don't direct what's happening ... or at least only as much as if your neighbour asked you to help them hang a picture ... take your cues from the kid. It's not difficult and it works fine and they love you for it.
And then keep doing it for about the next twenty years or so !
And don't worry ... that thing up thread about if you're worrying about being a good parent you probably are ? Yeah there's some truth in that.
posted by southof40 at 3:14 AM on May 12, 2017
I was wondering what/if to contribute and this reminded me.
You can go a long way by just being with them ... really *being* ... not looking at the TV or thinking about what's wrong with the car ... engagement.
Don't look at your phone when you're with them and don't have head phones on when you're with them. The times I see parents in a playground hunched over their phone while the kids are playing .... it's like watching a tragedy unfolding in slow motion.
All that stuff that books tell you to do and not to do and whatever ? Just be present, talk and react ("Ha-ha that's a good slide", "Oh isn't that is a nice pussy !", "I wonder where that bus is going ?"). And you can start this when they are ten days old. While you're changing them ? While you're feeding them ? Chat away about their toes, about the weather ... just anything . You feel like a nutter at first because there's not much response but there will be. Same thing when you're pushing them in push chair or driving the car. Don't have music on - just keep chatting to them .
When they're of an age to do so lie on the carpet beside them while they play and do nothing ! Well not until something comes along to do but basically just watch and wait - they will engage with you after a while but make sure you don't direct what's happening ... or at least only as much as if your neighbour asked you to help them hang a picture ... take your cues from the kid. It's not difficult and it works fine and they love you for it.
And then keep doing it for about the next twenty years or so !
And don't worry ... that thing up thread about if you're worrying about being a good parent you probably are ? Yeah there's some truth in that.
posted by southof40 at 3:14 AM on May 12, 2017
Kids come with personalities. It's your job to teach them to adapt their personalities to get along in the world. But you can't make them into someone they're not, and it's incredibly damaging to your relationship with them if you try. You might be an outgoing parent with an introverted child (or vice versa). They might even have a personality or interests that make them not someone you would choose to be friends with. But trying to make them change isn't likely to help and is likely to hurt.
posted by Anne Neville at 4:38 AM on May 12, 2017
posted by Anne Neville at 4:38 AM on May 12, 2017
You have lots of great feedback so far. I just have a little to add.
For spanking, you can search Google scholar for the latest research. It tends to breed resentment. I'm a fan of only spanking if the behavior is life-threatening. I was raised this way. My spouse was raised with lots and lots of spanking for disobedience including a time when he tried to copy his sister's vegetarianism and was spanked repeatedly for months at dinner. Now he is really weird, picky and often stressed at dinner. I, on the other hand, don't have those hangups. However, my spouse is better at showing respect than I am and I had a hard time in school because I did not grok the expectation from adults that you do as they say no matter what even if their idea is stupid because they are the adults. I am a huge fan of trying to elicit compliance through some level of buy-in rather than spanking but I'm also a child of the Montessori way. My spouse thinks Montessori raises entitled brats who don't listen. All of this to say one specific outcome of the "spanking vs not" choice carried into adulthood and associated possible pros and cons.
Another tip I would offer is to consider as your child ages, what do you want to model for relationships? The way you treat your partner programs your child. The way you treat service staff, bills, holidays, these all program our little ones. If want your child to be kind and egalitarian then model that as often as you can. If you want your child to learn how to apologize when they mess up then be sure they see you doing that. If you want your child to have some financial literacy then do not keep them in a the dark about how bills and budgets work. Children see actions more than words so just be mindful of what you're programming them to do and be.
I also really enjoyed reading this book about the deeper (and slightly woo) dynamic of parenting young children as a window into our own subconscious baggage and how to keep your own ego out of parenting so you can support their process of becoming who THEY came to be rather than who your ego wants or needs them to be. Good stuff, but not everyone cares about that so YMMV.
posted by crunchy potato at 6:45 AM on May 12, 2017
For spanking, you can search Google scholar for the latest research. It tends to breed resentment. I'm a fan of only spanking if the behavior is life-threatening. I was raised this way. My spouse was raised with lots and lots of spanking for disobedience including a time when he tried to copy his sister's vegetarianism and was spanked repeatedly for months at dinner. Now he is really weird, picky and often stressed at dinner. I, on the other hand, don't have those hangups. However, my spouse is better at showing respect than I am and I had a hard time in school because I did not grok the expectation from adults that you do as they say no matter what even if their idea is stupid because they are the adults. I am a huge fan of trying to elicit compliance through some level of buy-in rather than spanking but I'm also a child of the Montessori way. My spouse thinks Montessori raises entitled brats who don't listen. All of this to say one specific outcome of the "spanking vs not" choice carried into adulthood and associated possible pros and cons.
Another tip I would offer is to consider as your child ages, what do you want to model for relationships? The way you treat your partner programs your child. The way you treat service staff, bills, holidays, these all program our little ones. If want your child to be kind and egalitarian then model that as often as you can. If you want your child to learn how to apologize when they mess up then be sure they see you doing that. If you want your child to have some financial literacy then do not keep them in a the dark about how bills and budgets work. Children see actions more than words so just be mindful of what you're programming them to do and be.
I also really enjoyed reading this book about the deeper (and slightly woo) dynamic of parenting young children as a window into our own subconscious baggage and how to keep your own ego out of parenting so you can support their process of becoming who THEY came to be rather than who your ego wants or needs them to be. Good stuff, but not everyone cares about that so YMMV.
posted by crunchy potato at 6:45 AM on May 12, 2017
Response by poster: (Thank you all so much ... you guys are giving me so much help and hope <3)
posted by blahtsk at 11:32 AM on May 12, 2017
posted by blahtsk at 11:32 AM on May 12, 2017
Someone I know said she never told her children that they were "bad" because her parents did that to her and she's never been able to shake the feeling that she really is bad.
posted by purplesludge at 5:37 AM on May 13, 2017
posted by purplesludge at 5:37 AM on May 13, 2017
I am sick right now. My head is throbbing, my throat is sore, etc. I spent most of today napping while my daughter (nearing 10) visited a neighbour kid and did her own thing.
As soon as I woke up from nap #17 I called out to her. Now she is happily playing Playmobil next to me. She just wants to be around me. So much of it is simply being there.
When discussing pre-natal testing, make sure there is an actual point to doing so if you are not going to abort.
Do look into "peaceful parenting," "gentle discipline," etc. I have managed to avoid all artificial punishments; now that she is older and in control of more things, some things do have consequences -- if you don't unload the dishwasher in the morning, cool, whatever; it means I get to fill the sink with dirty dishes all day and you have to unload and re-load. Your kid loves you and wants to please you -- leverage that! Years of "peaceful parenting" have left me with a fascinatingly self-correcting kid. She does do things that are "wrong." After a little time passes she is all but in tears over it (and if it involved getting too upset with me, she is in tears) and finds me and doles out sincere apologies and so on. This beats the hell out of "SAY YOU'RE SORRY!!" and having a fight and getting an insincere screw-you "apology."
Work on motivation for being "good" for the sake of being "good." Model the behaviour you want to see -- yelling parents have little authority, violent parents even less.
Try as hard as you can to always ask yourself what it's like at X age. When you are small you are scared and helpless and need a parent. (I consider the "let them cry alone until they fall asleep" profiteers like Weissbluth to be sociopathic at best. Infancy flies by; hold them tight and cherish it.) Later on you may have had a very, very important attachment to what looked like junk to adults. Weird things were scary. If you can remember these things, you can empathise, and that is the key to easy, pleasant interactions, and honest conversations. (One of us here was scared for years of a Toilet Monster; the other had to reckon with a Pool Monster. It was so nice to talk openly about that stuff and be able to say "Yes, I remember...")
Rima Apple has a couple of books out on the history of advice given to (sorry) mothers; you will probably still find them fascinating reading. They will give you the confidence to ignore any and all "you MUST do X" baby care hustlers and go with your gut.
I did not toilet train, wean from nursing, wean from co-sleeping (or "co-bathing" -- we have a huge tub and I have bad joints and no way was a baby bath going to work), use a stroller until age two, did not feed any mush and did nothing to help feed her, etc, etc. Of course my 9yo uses a toilet, drinks from a cup and eats normally, has a bed, and so on and on. None of the transitions involved any grief. This is in quite a bit of contrast to friends who had to fight over these things. Do not believe anyone who tells you that you MUST do X. Seriously, even toilet training is basically a scam. Provide access to appropriate facilities and an example to follow and shut up. (Zero pressure is key or the whole thing falls apart -- a dynamic which applies to a lot of things...)
This includes non-medical advice from physicians -- for various reasons, some having a lot to do with the push for "scientific" child-rearing (it wasn't) and early pushes to legitimise paediatrics as a practice, Americans seem to get parenting advice, often unsolicited, often a lot of it, from their kids' doctors. Which seems very weird from here.
"No"-wise, I tried to just make with the substitutes. "Not toy! Here is a toy."
Ellyn Satter's site and ahaparenting.com both have good advice, as do Faber and Marlins ("How to Talk..." -- but I also really like their "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.")
When I fetched up with a serious boyfriend and he started spending time here, at the start, I said "I know kids can be very annoying, and now you will get to deal with some of that. You will have an easier time if you teach. If she spills milk, help her get paper towels but don't clean it for her, and show her a better way to pour instead of doing it for her. This takes longer, but just once or twice -- and then milk hassles will end. Use this every time you see an opportunity. "Oops, mud tracked all over the floor...I'll get the mop out for you."" This turned out to be probably the best bit of advice about children I have ever given anybody. Put up with sloppy mopping and thank them, for the mopping. Point out the missed parts next time. A self-sufficient kid is a joy.
(Especially when you are sick. While writing this, she went off to make me something to eat...!)
Expect to not have nice things as you once did. I once left a mostly eaten peach on our TRS-80. As the computer heated up, the juice ran in... My parents were very chill, very "accidents happen." I swore then and there to forgive any future kids -- I already felt terrible; them getting angry would have done nothing -- for reasonable accidents. Just expect it and let it go when it happens.
Sort of similarly: my metric for "is this okay?" is "how embarrassed would I be at the ER?" Kid with broken arm from tree climbing = no shame. Kid who got into corrosive chemicals I did not put away properly, accidents from lack of supervision, etc: mortified. I once read a horror story about a toddler dying under some furniture that tipped over on her after an afternoon nap. Tragic. Except for the part where it took the parent TWO HOURS to notice. Shit! Pay attention, especially around water, power, etc. A tumble down some stairs or a fall of a sofa is trivia; reserve your paranoia and anguished shrieking for real dangers. You cannot use the same tone for "don't climb on the sofa" that you do for warnings about cars.
Post script: good grandparents are worth their weight in gold. If you are fortunate enough to have such things, good heavens, do not complain about too many cookies or stuff like that. Grandparental spoiling does not scuttle competent parenting, and grandparents are not parents; they should be allowed to do as they see fit. My mother raised me on carob chips and alfalfa sprouts, but gasped when she found out my 12mo baby had yet to try candy; she went straight off to the store right then -- top grandmothering.
(fevered on iPad with weird autocorrect ideas; apologies for lack of brevity/typos. tl;dr: you will be fine, as evidenced by asking this)
posted by kmennie at 7:54 PM on May 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
As soon as I woke up from nap #17 I called out to her. Now she is happily playing Playmobil next to me. She just wants to be around me. So much of it is simply being there.
When discussing pre-natal testing, make sure there is an actual point to doing so if you are not going to abort.
Do look into "peaceful parenting," "gentle discipline," etc. I have managed to avoid all artificial punishments; now that she is older and in control of more things, some things do have consequences -- if you don't unload the dishwasher in the morning, cool, whatever; it means I get to fill the sink with dirty dishes all day and you have to unload and re-load. Your kid loves you and wants to please you -- leverage that! Years of "peaceful parenting" have left me with a fascinatingly self-correcting kid. She does do things that are "wrong." After a little time passes she is all but in tears over it (and if it involved getting too upset with me, she is in tears) and finds me and doles out sincere apologies and so on. This beats the hell out of "SAY YOU'RE SORRY!!" and having a fight and getting an insincere screw-you "apology."
Work on motivation for being "good" for the sake of being "good." Model the behaviour you want to see -- yelling parents have little authority, violent parents even less.
Try as hard as you can to always ask yourself what it's like at X age. When you are small you are scared and helpless and need a parent. (I consider the "let them cry alone until they fall asleep" profiteers like Weissbluth to be sociopathic at best. Infancy flies by; hold them tight and cherish it.) Later on you may have had a very, very important attachment to what looked like junk to adults. Weird things were scary. If you can remember these things, you can empathise, and that is the key to easy, pleasant interactions, and honest conversations. (One of us here was scared for years of a Toilet Monster; the other had to reckon with a Pool Monster. It was so nice to talk openly about that stuff and be able to say "Yes, I remember...")
Rima Apple has a couple of books out on the history of advice given to (sorry) mothers; you will probably still find them fascinating reading. They will give you the confidence to ignore any and all "you MUST do X" baby care hustlers and go with your gut.
I did not toilet train, wean from nursing, wean from co-sleeping (or "co-bathing" -- we have a huge tub and I have bad joints and no way was a baby bath going to work), use a stroller until age two, did not feed any mush and did nothing to help feed her, etc, etc. Of course my 9yo uses a toilet, drinks from a cup and eats normally, has a bed, and so on and on. None of the transitions involved any grief. This is in quite a bit of contrast to friends who had to fight over these things. Do not believe anyone who tells you that you MUST do X. Seriously, even toilet training is basically a scam. Provide access to appropriate facilities and an example to follow and shut up. (Zero pressure is key or the whole thing falls apart -- a dynamic which applies to a lot of things...)
This includes non-medical advice from physicians -- for various reasons, some having a lot to do with the push for "scientific" child-rearing (it wasn't) and early pushes to legitimise paediatrics as a practice, Americans seem to get parenting advice, often unsolicited, often a lot of it, from their kids' doctors. Which seems very weird from here.
"No"-wise, I tried to just make with the substitutes. "Not toy! Here is a toy."
Ellyn Satter's site and ahaparenting.com both have good advice, as do Faber and Marlins ("How to Talk..." -- but I also really like their "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.")
When I fetched up with a serious boyfriend and he started spending time here, at the start, I said "I know kids can be very annoying, and now you will get to deal with some of that. You will have an easier time if you teach. If she spills milk, help her get paper towels but don't clean it for her, and show her a better way to pour instead of doing it for her. This takes longer, but just once or twice -- and then milk hassles will end. Use this every time you see an opportunity. "Oops, mud tracked all over the floor...I'll get the mop out for you."" This turned out to be probably the best bit of advice about children I have ever given anybody. Put up with sloppy mopping and thank them, for the mopping. Point out the missed parts next time. A self-sufficient kid is a joy.
(Especially when you are sick. While writing this, she went off to make me something to eat...!)
Expect to not have nice things as you once did. I once left a mostly eaten peach on our TRS-80. As the computer heated up, the juice ran in... My parents were very chill, very "accidents happen." I swore then and there to forgive any future kids -- I already felt terrible; them getting angry would have done nothing -- for reasonable accidents. Just expect it and let it go when it happens.
Sort of similarly: my metric for "is this okay?" is "how embarrassed would I be at the ER?" Kid with broken arm from tree climbing = no shame. Kid who got into corrosive chemicals I did not put away properly, accidents from lack of supervision, etc: mortified. I once read a horror story about a toddler dying under some furniture that tipped over on her after an afternoon nap. Tragic. Except for the part where it took the parent TWO HOURS to notice. Shit! Pay attention, especially around water, power, etc. A tumble down some stairs or a fall of a sofa is trivia; reserve your paranoia and anguished shrieking for real dangers. You cannot use the same tone for "don't climb on the sofa" that you do for warnings about cars.
Post script: good grandparents are worth their weight in gold. If you are fortunate enough to have such things, good heavens, do not complain about too many cookies or stuff like that. Grandparental spoiling does not scuttle competent parenting, and grandparents are not parents; they should be allowed to do as they see fit. My mother raised me on carob chips and alfalfa sprouts, but gasped when she found out my 12mo baby had yet to try candy; she went straight off to the store right then -- top grandmothering.
(fevered on iPad with weird autocorrect ideas; apologies for lack of brevity/typos. tl;dr: you will be fine, as evidenced by asking this)
posted by kmennie at 7:54 PM on May 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
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Where I live, as long as you're going to an OB/GYn, then the NIPT test has become pretty standard around 12 weeks of pregnancy. They take some blood and test it and it gives you information about the odds of your baby having something like down's syndrome. If you get a result back that indicates your baby has a high risk, there are other tests they can do a bit later like the amniocentesis test.
Additionally, at 20 weeks, your wife will most likely get something called the anatomy scan, which is when your doctor or ultrasound tech will do a very thorough ultrasound and examine all of the different parts of the growing baby. At that point, they can find a lot of birth defects and if they discover anything, they will talk to you and your wife about your options.
posted by colfax at 1:43 PM on May 11, 2017 [2 favorites]