SQL joke for chemo patient

May 11, 2017 11:55 AM

Help me craft a SQL joke to be printed on a bandana and/or t-shirt for a friend going through chemo

My dear friend and favorite DBA was just diagnosed with breast cancer and has started chemo infusions. I am going to get her a custom-printed bandana (which she has said she is thinking about wearing) and/or t-shirt with some humorous SQL joke.

Right now, I'm thinking about using the code from this XKCD, since it's an injection joke. And while the code by itself would be good, and she'd laugh, I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts about
a) enhancing it with either more text or an image
b) another SQL injection joke (or other nerdy/SQL/database jokey thing) that might be good.

Please assume that she will appreciate the humor, and that I am doing many other non-funny things to support her.

Thanks in advance

posted by Gorgik to Computers & Internet (8 answers total)

The term 'normalize' is often used in db design as in third normal form, so perhaps something like "Living 7th normal form". Would be obscure and not sure it's funny, but might work as a wacky thought.
posted by sammyo at 12:04 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

SELECT tblPERSON.LNAME, tblPERSON.FNAME, tblCELLS.* FROM tblPERSON INNER JOIN tblCELLS ON tblPERSON.PERSONid = tblCELLS.PERSONid WHERE (((tblCELLS.Healthy)=TRUE));

ETA:just a select query
posted by turkeybrain at 12:05 PM on May 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Best answer: UPDATE body SET cell = NULL WHERE type LIKE '%NCEROUS'; or a deletion: DELETE FROM body WHERE cell like '%ANCER%'; (the %'s are wildcards in SQL parlance).
posted by Static Vagabond at 12:10 PM on May 11, 2017 [12 favorites]

Best answer: Surely this must be a delete statement:

DELETE FROM human.T_Cells@hospitalname friends_name
WHERE condition like '%CEROUS%';
posted by Lanark at 1:31 PM on May 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

Just googling "sql joke" or images gives a number of ideas. A few of them:

SELECT *
FROM [Users]
WHERE [Clue] > 0
No records found.

This might be nice.

Graphic - related/explanation.
posted by flug at 2:58 PM on May 11, 2017

DELETE FROM body WHERE cancer IS NOT NULL;
posted by clawsoon at 7:56 PM on May 11, 2017

This schema behind this trigger declaration is probably a mess in SQL terms, but I like how it's almost human readable:

CREATE TRIGGER activate_chemo
AFTER INSERT ON hospital_bed
FOR EACH CELL
DECLARE
fuckyoucancer BOOLEAN;
BEGIN
DELETE FROM body WHERE cancer IS NOT NULL;
END;
posted by clawsoon at 8:07 PM on May 11, 2017

Response by poster: Update, in case anyone is interested.

Front:

Robert’); DROP TABLE students;--

with an arrow pointing to her port

Back:

UPDATE sandra.Mood
SET value = ‘Determined’ ,
status = ‘Active’;

DELETE FROM sandra.Body
WHERE cell LIKE '%ANCER%';



Thanks for the suggestions!
posted by Gorgik at 7:28 AM on May 14, 2017