befriended by teenagers on the internet
May 3, 2017 9:29 AM Subscribe
I've gotten to chatting with a kid fourteen years younger than me, in the context of one of my online communities. I'm not sure how to navigate a friendship with that kind of age gap, or if I should in the first place. I'm not sure if I'm making a big deal out of something that isn't, but either way I could use some input.
I had reservations when this nineteen-year-old started talking to me (I'm in my early thirties), but I didn't want to be a dick; when I was a kid online, I appreciated the acceptance and friendliness of the adults in my online communities and fandoms. And it turns out that I enjoy talking to her--she's smart and we have this common fandom interest--although it's also impossible to forget how young she is.
I don't have much experience with interacting with teenagers now that I'm an adult, so I suppose it could just be that I feel awkward (which I do), but I think it's about maintaining appropriate boundaries (and not being entirely sure where those should be). Especially if we run into each other in person, which is possible, since it turns out we live near each other (and she's brought up the idea a couple times).
I had reservations when this nineteen-year-old started talking to me (I'm in my early thirties), but I didn't want to be a dick; when I was a kid online, I appreciated the acceptance and friendliness of the adults in my online communities and fandoms. And it turns out that I enjoy talking to her--she's smart and we have this common fandom interest--although it's also impossible to forget how young she is.
I don't have much experience with interacting with teenagers now that I'm an adult, so I suppose it could just be that I feel awkward (which I do), but I think it's about maintaining appropriate boundaries (and not being entirely sure where those should be). Especially if we run into each other in person, which is possible, since it turns out we live near each other (and she's brought up the idea a couple times).
I'm finding myself in a similar position. It feels weird to be on the other end of the situation, because when I was 17-19, I was making much older friends via fandom mailing lists/IRC/ICQ etc. They were invaluable to me and had a very positive effect on my development as a person. None of them ever crossed any lines (I did talk to a couple of them about intimate subjects that I didn't have any family members to talk to about, but that was entirely initiated by me--and if they'd said "NOPE NOT GOING THERE" I would have dropped it). I met several of them eventually, though usually in group contexts with other fandom members around. If any of them had lived near me, it would have been great to have met up with them once in a while.
Does she know your age?
Is it 100% clear that no flirting or anything is going on, both internally and explicitly?
Then AFAIC it's fine. Cross-generational friendships are a healthy and beneficial thing that we seem to have made weird, but there's no reason they have to be weird. Yay fandom! Yay friends!
posted by wintersweet at 9:42 AM on May 3, 2017 [13 favorites]
Does she know your age?
Is it 100% clear that no flirting or anything is going on, both internally and explicitly?
Then AFAIC it's fine. Cross-generational friendships are a healthy and beneficial thing that we seem to have made weird, but there's no reason they have to be weird. Yay fandom! Yay friends!
posted by wintersweet at 9:42 AM on May 3, 2017 [13 favorites]
Response by poster: To be clear: no, I am not attracted to her (or flirting, or otherwise being a giant creep), and yes, she knows how old I am. It just feels weird because our life stages are so drastically different.
I don't think she's a baby or especially delicate. Possibly I feel as though I'm somehow supposed to be more "grown up" than I am?
posted by thepigeonsknow at 9:57 AM on May 3, 2017
I don't think she's a baby or especially delicate. Possibly I feel as though I'm somehow supposed to be more "grown up" than I am?
posted by thepigeonsknow at 9:57 AM on May 3, 2017
Given all that you've said, it sounds like there's no actual issue here.
Would you have a problem being friends with someone who is in their mid-40s? That's the same age difference, right?
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 10:00 AM on May 3, 2017
Would you have a problem being friends with someone who is in their mid-40s? That's the same age difference, right?
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 10:00 AM on May 3, 2017
Best answer: Ha, I almost posted a question myself about this very situation. Due to shared membership in a hobby-related Facebook group, I've likewise ended up being 'friended' by people much younger than I am. I'm a 38 year old woman who is already in a committed LTR with a guy my own age, who has zero interested in trying to date anyone else, let alone teenagers and young 20-somethings. But I was nonetheless sensitive to not wanting to be the Creepy Old Person. Anyhow, though - to make a long story short, I've since figured out a handful of guidelines that have worked well in allowing me to navigate this somewhat new-to-me social landscape.
1) Make sure the other party knows your age. For me this is something I honestly have to consciously remind myself to do, because I look extremely young for someone in their 30s.
2) Draw clear boundaries on levels and types of interaction. As the Responsible Adult (or, at least, person who has more experience actually being an adult) it's up to you to employ good judgment here. E.g., sharing silly memes and casual conversation on FB is likely fine, hanging out in a public place with a group of mixed-age folks is likely fine, but if the younger person invites you to come hang out in person solo with them, you probably want to draw the line there. Even if they say they're fine with it, it would likely make YOU feel weird, and that's probably a good instinct.
3) Check in with yourself periodically on how you're maintaining your own grown-up friendships. It's wonderful to have friends of all ages, but if you find yourself gravitating toward spending more and more time interacting with much younger people at the expense of other relationships, you may want to take a step back and figure out what's going on there.
4) Resist the urge to give too much "life advice".
5) Should go without saying, and I would never in a million years dream of doing this, but if you end up hanging out in person at all, don't get intoxicated with or in the proximity of your much-younger cohorts.
posted by aecorwin at 10:06 AM on May 3, 2017 [15 favorites]
1) Make sure the other party knows your age. For me this is something I honestly have to consciously remind myself to do, because I look extremely young for someone in their 30s.
2) Draw clear boundaries on levels and types of interaction. As the Responsible Adult (or, at least, person who has more experience actually being an adult) it's up to you to employ good judgment here. E.g., sharing silly memes and casual conversation on FB is likely fine, hanging out in a public place with a group of mixed-age folks is likely fine, but if the younger person invites you to come hang out in person solo with them, you probably want to draw the line there. Even if they say they're fine with it, it would likely make YOU feel weird, and that's probably a good instinct.
3) Check in with yourself periodically on how you're maintaining your own grown-up friendships. It's wonderful to have friends of all ages, but if you find yourself gravitating toward spending more and more time interacting with much younger people at the expense of other relationships, you may want to take a step back and figure out what's going on there.
4) Resist the urge to give too much "life advice".
5) Should go without saying, and I would never in a million years dream of doing this, but if you end up hanging out in person at all, don't get intoxicated with or in the proximity of your much-younger cohorts.
posted by aecorwin at 10:06 AM on May 3, 2017 [15 favorites]
Nineteen is a legal adult. I have been friends with someone that young when I was in my forties.
posted by Michele in California at 10:07 AM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Michele in California at 10:07 AM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
You could just ask. I don't think it's a big deal but if it bugs you, why not talk about it?
"I am glad we're friends but I keep wondering if the age gap causes any problems for you. We have a lot in common, so I'm pretty sure I'm overthinking it because it's unusual to have this much gap in age with friends, but I want you to know we can talk about it. Since I'm older I felt like I should take the lead in saying something just in case. Again, I'm really happy to know you and I don't want my overthinking to be a problem."
Just-- it's a thing in the world. It sounds like you're in a place where your friendship could be a fandom-only thing or you could get to be lifelong friends, and while the age gap truly is not a problem, it's still an unusual thing in the world and something to overcome if you really are headed towards close friendship.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:11 AM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
"I am glad we're friends but I keep wondering if the age gap causes any problems for you. We have a lot in common, so I'm pretty sure I'm overthinking it because it's unusual to have this much gap in age with friends, but I want you to know we can talk about it. Since I'm older I felt like I should take the lead in saying something just in case. Again, I'm really happy to know you and I don't want my overthinking to be a problem."
Just-- it's a thing in the world. It sounds like you're in a place where your friendship could be a fandom-only thing or you could get to be lifelong friends, and while the age gap truly is not a problem, it's still an unusual thing in the world and something to overcome if you really are headed towards close friendship.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:11 AM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Last week I was in the pub with a bunch of 21-28 year old women. We all know each other through a shared activity which is pretty gender & age mixed. I am a 44 year old bloke. You can have normal, human friendships with people both younger and older than you without it being weird in either direction, so long as you maintain reasonable boundaries.
aecorwin has mostly beat me to any specific thoughts I was going to add to this comment, but not giving unasked for advice about people’s life choices is probably a good general rule regardless of relative age. This women is young, but she’s old enough to be responsible for her own choices in life - treat her as such and I’m sure you’ll get along just fine.
posted by pharm at 10:13 AM on May 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
aecorwin has mostly beat me to any specific thoughts I was going to add to this comment, but not giving unasked for advice about people’s life choices is probably a good general rule regardless of relative age. This women is young, but she’s old enough to be responsible for her own choices in life - treat her as such and I’m sure you’ll get along just fine.
posted by pharm at 10:13 AM on May 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
It took me a while to get used to the fact that I, through athletic communities, am basically friends with teenagers (I'm also in my thirties).
But I agree that there's no issue.
Be friendly but set some basic parameters - e.g., avoid certain jokes you might use with friends of the same age; try not to be flippant and recognize that younger people might be learning and absorbing from you, so model good behavior.
I found it helpful to befriend parents, too, though that works in my community in ways it might not in yours (exposure to them).
posted by entropone at 10:20 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
But I agree that there's no issue.
Be friendly but set some basic parameters - e.g., avoid certain jokes you might use with friends of the same age; try not to be flippant and recognize that younger people might be learning and absorbing from you, so model good behavior.
I found it helpful to befriend parents, too, though that works in my community in ways it might not in yours (exposure to them).
posted by entropone at 10:20 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm also early thirties and one of the best parts of my life over the past couple years is that i joined a choir with a lot of members in the 18-22 age range and have made friends with many of them. It hadn't really occurred to me until reading this question just how large of an age gap that is, because they honestly just feel like friends. I've also made friends in my graduate courses who are 15+ years older than I am and I appreciate and care about those friends just as much as any other friends.
Basically, I think having friends over a wide age range is a good thing and I know it introduces new perspectives and ideas into my life on a regular basis.
I don't see anything wrong with this friendship as you describe it, and I don't think you should feel weird about it at all.
posted by augustimagination at 10:21 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
Basically, I think having friends over a wide age range is a good thing and I know it introduces new perspectives and ideas into my life on a regular basis.
I don't see anything wrong with this friendship as you describe it, and I don't think you should feel weird about it at all.
posted by augustimagination at 10:21 AM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
This is superduper common in fandom communities (I've had many fandom friends 10-20 years younger than me) but, honestly, she's 19, she's not a "kid." She's a younger adult. This is all good advice here, but it's really not a big deal, from where I'm sitting.
And as you get older, it will keep happening because the percentage of the world younger than you will keep growing.
posted by soren_lorensen at 10:22 AM on May 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
And as you get older, it will keep happening because the percentage of the world younger than you will keep growing.
posted by soren_lorensen at 10:22 AM on May 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
(Although I see I’ve broken aercorwin’s rule 5 good and hard there. UK vs US drinking culture perhaps?)
posted by pharm at 10:22 AM on May 3, 2017
posted by pharm at 10:22 AM on May 3, 2017
Hate to be a downer but I'm going to disagree that this is not something you need to worry about. I think it is something you need to navigate carefully and not flippantly. When I was 19 I was broke and directionless and glomming onto a sophisticated older person who understood my weird hobbies and would rescue me from having to make the hard decisions of growing into adulthood would have sounded pretty good. There is a strong chance of some (either romantic or non-romantic) dependency developing here.
I disagree that "19 is as adult as 30, it's all good and the same!" If we were talking 21 even, then I might agree. 19 is very, very young. I do think there is a distinction in my mind between "baby adult" and then "college adult" (runs the gamut in terms of individual maturity) and then "working young adult" (22/23+ which I agree is basically "safe" at that point.)
posted by stockpuppet at 10:26 AM on May 3, 2017 [12 favorites]
I disagree that "19 is as adult as 30, it's all good and the same!" If we were talking 21 even, then I might agree. 19 is very, very young. I do think there is a distinction in my mind between "baby adult" and then "college adult" (runs the gamut in terms of individual maturity) and then "working young adult" (22/23+ which I agree is basically "safe" at that point.)
posted by stockpuppet at 10:26 AM on May 3, 2017 [12 favorites]
"I am glad we're friends but I keep wondering if the age gap causes any problems for you. We have a lot in common, so I'm pretty sure I'm overthinking it because it's unusual to have this much gap in age with friends, but I want you to know we can talk about it. Since I'm older I felt like I should take the lead in saying something just in case. Again, I'm really happy to know you and I don't want my overthinking to be a problem
In her shoes, I'd actually be a bit creeped out if you said this, because the fact that you were thinking about it that hard and lacked the boundaries not to share it with me would send the red flags up. You take care of you. Be a friend, but respectful. Don't drag her into some sort of intimate parsing of your age difference. If you're really basically just friendly, who cares?
posted by Miko at 10:26 AM on May 3, 2017 [31 favorites]
In her shoes, I'd actually be a bit creeped out if you said this, because the fact that you were thinking about it that hard and lacked the boundaries not to share it with me would send the red flags up. You take care of you. Be a friend, but respectful. Don't drag her into some sort of intimate parsing of your age difference. If you're really basically just friendly, who cares?
posted by Miko at 10:26 AM on May 3, 2017 [31 favorites]
Response by poster: I do disagree pretty strongly with the idea that being a legal adult is a social equalizer, or that "age is just a number" ... anything along those lines. You still have various differences in life stages/experiences, and even neurological development. This doesn't make people in one or another age bracket more or less human or worthy of respect (and I didn't mean to be disrespectful of my friend when calling her a "kid" - I'd say I was a kid at nineteen, even if I was also beginning to be an adult), but I tend to think it's a good idea to be aware of where people are coming from, in this as well as other ways ...
Many good thoughts here, thank you.
posted by thepigeonsknow at 10:38 AM on May 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
Many good thoughts here, thank you.
posted by thepigeonsknow at 10:38 AM on May 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
When I was a teenager, the thing that made me feel safest about my friendly relationships with older people is that they never ever brought up how the age difference gave them emotions or a reason to discuss The Nature Of Our Relationship.
posted by Jairus at 10:39 AM on May 3, 2017 [28 favorites]
posted by Jairus at 10:39 AM on May 3, 2017 [28 favorites]
I agree with praemunire, tumblr fandom has made something of a big deal of this, but as someone who's been in fandom since I was a preteen, I don't think cross-generational fandom friendships are a big deal, so long as you maintain appropriate boundaries (i.e. no flirting, no unsolicited life advice, no pushing to meet in person). Older fans have never been anything but kind to me through my fandom life, even when I was a naive teen. Also, goddamn, 19 is an adult. Young adult, but adult.
Honestly, I really only think it's something to worry about if you find all your fandom friends are loads younger than you. In my experience, fandom tends to self-segregate a little age-wise, at least when it comes to more in-depth socialization. If you find yourself only making younger friends in fandom, maybe it's time to consider why. Otherwise, just be mindful of maintaining appropriate boundaries. Personally, I'd keep it at shared fandom/media interests and steer clear of personal stuff. The possibility of dependency is there, but so long as you remember you're just a friend who shares a hobby, I think you're good.
posted by yasaman at 10:41 AM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I really only think it's something to worry about if you find all your fandom friends are loads younger than you. In my experience, fandom tends to self-segregate a little age-wise, at least when it comes to more in-depth socialization. If you find yourself only making younger friends in fandom, maybe it's time to consider why. Otherwise, just be mindful of maintaining appropriate boundaries. Personally, I'd keep it at shared fandom/media interests and steer clear of personal stuff. The possibility of dependency is there, but so long as you remember you're just a friend who shares a hobby, I think you're good.
posted by yasaman at 10:41 AM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
I do disagree pretty strongly with the idea that being a legal adult is a social equalizer, or that "age is just a number" ... anything along those lines.
Honestly, I think you thinking this way means you're a person who can be an "older" adult who is friends with younger adults without it being a problem.
This used to happen a lot more in the gay community (and I think it still does) because people weren't connected the way they were today, people weren't out, etc. so you ended up with nearly-or-definitely-cross-generational friendships just because they were the only other queer people you knew. Like anything else, they were fraught with concerns about appearance and the occasional creeps, but the 40+ something gay men I knew in my teens and 20s were very important to me, and now I try to be the type of guy I wish I would have met at the time. Being at different places in our lives made the relationships more important, not less, and helped educate me, but I also gave them a different perspective as well.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:49 AM on May 3, 2017 [6 favorites]
Honestly, I think you thinking this way means you're a person who can be an "older" adult who is friends with younger adults without it being a problem.
This used to happen a lot more in the gay community (and I think it still does) because people weren't connected the way they were today, people weren't out, etc. so you ended up with nearly-or-definitely-cross-generational friendships just because they were the only other queer people you knew. Like anything else, they were fraught with concerns about appearance and the occasional creeps, but the 40+ something gay men I knew in my teens and 20s were very important to me, and now I try to be the type of guy I wish I would have met at the time. Being at different places in our lives made the relationships more important, not less, and helped educate me, but I also gave them a different perspective as well.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 10:49 AM on May 3, 2017 [6 favorites]
I have enjoyed friendships with people much older than myself as well as with those much younger than myself (now that I'm in my mid-40's). Being friends with people much older than myself very powerful to me when I was a teen and I still find cross-generational friendships very rewarding now that I'm well into adulthood. The only thing that gives me the creeps is unwanted romantic/sexual interest in that context as well as unwanted paternalistic behavior. If you're keeping yourself reined-in on those aspects (which it sounds like you are), I think that this is a fine situation and enriches both of your lives.
posted by quince at 11:30 AM on May 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by quince at 11:30 AM on May 3, 2017 [5 favorites]
Basically, I think having friends over a wide age range is a good thing
I was hoping someone would bring this up.
The idea that we should only socialize or be friends with people who are close to our own ages is pretty culturally-bound. And, since we can be so isolated, it often means that we don't get much social exposure to people who are in different age brackets than us. I think that's too bad (especially for younger people).
While she is a lot younger than you, she's reached the age where she's generally able to make her own decisions and choose her own friends. That is, she doesn't require the same consideration as a child. She has less experience than you, for sure, but you don't seem the type that is going to take advantage of that.
I guess, my question would be: What are you afraid will happen if you just treat her like a normal friend? What are the potential bad outcomes?
I'm sensing some vague unease, but not so much the specifics, which makes me suspect that a lot of the unease is due not really seeing many examples of healthy friendships with an age gap. But maybe identifying the potential bad outcomes you're worried about will help you figure out your boundaries. E.g. if you are worried about dependency, then what kind of boundaries would prevent that.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 11:39 AM on May 3, 2017 [11 favorites]
I was hoping someone would bring this up.
The idea that we should only socialize or be friends with people who are close to our own ages is pretty culturally-bound. And, since we can be so isolated, it often means that we don't get much social exposure to people who are in different age brackets than us. I think that's too bad (especially for younger people).
While she is a lot younger than you, she's reached the age where she's generally able to make her own decisions and choose her own friends. That is, she doesn't require the same consideration as a child. She has less experience than you, for sure, but you don't seem the type that is going to take advantage of that.
I guess, my question would be: What are you afraid will happen if you just treat her like a normal friend? What are the potential bad outcomes?
I'm sensing some vague unease, but not so much the specifics, which makes me suspect that a lot of the unease is due not really seeing many examples of healthy friendships with an age gap. But maybe identifying the potential bad outcomes you're worried about will help you figure out your boundaries. E.g. if you are worried about dependency, then what kind of boundaries would prevent that.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 11:39 AM on May 3, 2017 [11 favorites]
The idea that we should only socialize or be friends with people who are close to our own ages is pretty culturally-bound. And, since we can be so isolated, it often means that we don't get much social exposure to people who are in different age brackets than us. I think that's too bad (especially for younger people).
Yes. And, unfortunately, it doesn't really seem to have cut down on the biggest (and very real) problem, which is cross-age-bracket sexual creeping. Those men carry on regardless. I benefited very much from cross-age-bracket friendship as a younger fan, and would've been frankly offended by the implication that I couldn't be trusted to maintain my fragile personhood in the face of the overwhelming sophistication of someone in their 30s.
I mean, messes are messes, regardless of their age, and they're pretty obvious about their condition, probably even more so when they're younger. Don't get involved with messes in the first place, and you don't have to worry about whatever dependency is supposed to look like.
posted by praemunire at 12:07 PM on May 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
Yes. And, unfortunately, it doesn't really seem to have cut down on the biggest (and very real) problem, which is cross-age-bracket sexual creeping. Those men carry on regardless. I benefited very much from cross-age-bracket friendship as a younger fan, and would've been frankly offended by the implication that I couldn't be trusted to maintain my fragile personhood in the face of the overwhelming sophistication of someone in their 30s.
I mean, messes are messes, regardless of their age, and they're pretty obvious about their condition, probably even more so when they're younger. Don't get involved with messes in the first place, and you don't have to worry about whatever dependency is supposed to look like.
posted by praemunire at 12:07 PM on May 3, 2017 [4 favorites]
Do you have anything in common besides the shared community? I disagree with almost everyone here. It's really hard to maintain a friendship with a young adult unless it's specifically intended to be a mentor/mentee relationship. I find it unpleasant personally because of the lack of life experience. They'll struggle to figure out something for the first time that you've had a decade or two of experience dealing with. I personally have no interest in watching that. And they most likely will not want your sage advice, or if they do they won't follow it. Think back to dumb decisions you made when you were 19 and imagine watching yourself do that all over again. I've stopped trying to be friends with The Youth because it just ends in a bunch of facepalming for me.
If you can see the person as equally capable of making their own decisions, and you can refrain from giving unsolicited advice, then go for it. It's okay if it's not for everyone, you're not a jerk for not being friends.
posted by AFABulous at 12:25 PM on May 3, 2017
If you can see the person as equally capable of making their own decisions, and you can refrain from giving unsolicited advice, then go for it. It's okay if it's not for everyone, you're not a jerk for not being friends.
posted by AFABulous at 12:25 PM on May 3, 2017
I've been on online communities since I was 12 or 13, and always have learned a lot from everyone being much older than me. But I also was someone who would talk about my problems with them, and they were happy to listen and provide advice that I would take wholeheartedly. If things were creepy or the conversation got unpleasant, I'd leave or fade. Basically, just like any other sincere friendship or relationship I've ever had. I'm 24 now, if you need a frame of reference.
I wouldn't worry about this too much, just enjoy the conversations for now, and treat them with respect.
posted by yueliang at 12:44 PM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't worry about this too much, just enjoy the conversations for now, and treat them with respect.
posted by yueliang at 12:44 PM on May 3, 2017 [2 favorites]
My experience with this is IRL and with cousins but I think it applies. I sort of follow their lead. If they want to ask for advice I'll try to give it; if they want to tell me about x or y I'll listen. It does fall to me to enforce boundaries now and then and let them know that there are some things I prefer not to know about. I've pretty much cast myself in the "fun aunt" role, and that's how I perceived a lot of people I met online when I was younger. The ones I had positive experiences with anyway.
posted by bunderful at 1:17 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by bunderful at 1:17 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
This is... not uncommon online? I mean, I'm 45 years old and my SL spouse and I have been "married" for 5 or 6 years and I think he was... 18? 19? when we partnered up. It's a friendship and a business partnership and there has never, ever, ever not once been any hint of anything sexual between us because no part of my brain will ever get over the part where he was a teenager when we met. And just... no. Eww.
When he was younger I would occasionally have to restate a boundary ("Dude we're not going there") but otherwise I've always just treated him like a peer. Because he's fun and interesting and smart and a pleasure to hang out and chat with when we have the time.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:23 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
When he was younger I would occasionally have to restate a boundary ("Dude we're not going there") but otherwise I've always just treated him like a peer. Because he's fun and interesting and smart and a pleasure to hang out and chat with when we have the time.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:23 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
I do disagree pretty strongly with the idea that being a legal adult is a social equalizer, or that "age is just a number" ... anything along those lines.
Ok, just keep in mind that negates a lot of personal relationships in the world. My husband is 19 years older than me. Blithe comments from strangers about it never stop, no matter how much time passes. I don't know what a "social equalizer" is--barring identical twins, there's no objective spectrum that determines who's fit to talk to whom. Period.
Side note: in the era of online anonymity and catfishing, self-defined personalities are a thing we trust and not a thing we know. If you get along well, enjoy it.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:35 PM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
Ok, just keep in mind that negates a lot of personal relationships in the world. My husband is 19 years older than me. Blithe comments from strangers about it never stop, no matter how much time passes. I don't know what a "social equalizer" is--barring identical twins, there's no objective spectrum that determines who's fit to talk to whom. Period.
Side note: in the era of online anonymity and catfishing, self-defined personalities are a thing we trust and not a thing we know. If you get along well, enjoy it.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:35 PM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
I go to college with people who are often at least 12-13 years younger than I am. I went in thinking I'd be totally unable to relate to anyone, let alone be friends with anyone that young, and I was wrong. I helps that we're all students, but mostly it's just that I had the wrong idea about them. I'm nobody's mentor, or father figure, or big brother or whatever. Nobody comes to me for sage wisdom or life advice, and if they do, it's no different than when someone my age comes to me after breaking up with their boyfriend, or when they've had a long day and want to talk to a friend. Do some people at that age seem really young to me? Yes, but those aren't the people I'm friends with. At this point, I completely forget there's an age difference between me and some people until they mention something age-specific, like a birthday.
I also go to college with people who are 10 or 20 years older than me, and it's the same deal: the nature of the relationship is dictated less by age than by personality and compatibility (or if they're in a position of authority -- I've been taught by grad students who are younger than me, and the nature of the relationship was such that they still seemed older, only because of the nature of the relationship). When I was 19, I used to hang out with my coworkers who were also sometimes 15-20 years older than me. Maybe they thought of me as the baby of the group, but mostly I think we just thought of each other as people who didn't get paid enough to deal with entitled suburban jerks all day. If nothing else, that was our common ground, and I'm still in touch with them today, as they're celebrating 50th birthdays and so on.
As far as I can recall, I've never really become friends with someone over the internet. Maybe that makes things very different. But whenever I'm friends with someone and there's an age difference, what matters more is having common interests and compatible personalities. It sounds like maybe you've got that here. I can say, though, that it seems very difficult to make any categorical statements about age differences in friendships.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 3:30 PM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
I also go to college with people who are 10 or 20 years older than me, and it's the same deal: the nature of the relationship is dictated less by age than by personality and compatibility (or if they're in a position of authority -- I've been taught by grad students who are younger than me, and the nature of the relationship was such that they still seemed older, only because of the nature of the relationship). When I was 19, I used to hang out with my coworkers who were also sometimes 15-20 years older than me. Maybe they thought of me as the baby of the group, but mostly I think we just thought of each other as people who didn't get paid enough to deal with entitled suburban jerks all day. If nothing else, that was our common ground, and I'm still in touch with them today, as they're celebrating 50th birthdays and so on.
As far as I can recall, I've never really become friends with someone over the internet. Maybe that makes things very different. But whenever I'm friends with someone and there's an age difference, what matters more is having common interests and compatible personalities. It sounds like maybe you've got that here. I can say, though, that it seems very difficult to make any categorical statements about age differences in friendships.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 3:30 PM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
You seem to be thinking of this woman in terms of categories; you call her a kid, a 19-year-old, and a teenager. You seem very concerned with "appropriate boundaries" and yet you say you have zero interest in her romantically/sexually. What boundaries are you referring to, exactly? You are two adults with similar interests striking up a friendship. Unless you have existing boundary issues you know you need to be aware of, my advice would be to try to start thinking of her as an adult and friend rather than focusing on how you're "supposed" to be more of an adult than she is, somehow.
Apologies if this came across as terse; I'm in a bit of a rush and I didn't want to forget to post this later on.
posted by Urban Winter at 4:17 PM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
Apologies if this came across as terse; I'm in a bit of a rush and I didn't want to forget to post this later on.
posted by Urban Winter at 4:17 PM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
I understand why you feel uncomfortable.
I would decide what your boundaries are now and come up with a plan for what to do if your new friend tries to cross those boundaries. What would you say? What would you do?
posted by CMcG at 5:34 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
I would decide what your boundaries are now and come up with a plan for what to do if your new friend tries to cross those boundaries. What would you say? What would you do?
posted by CMcG at 5:34 PM on May 3, 2017 [1 favorite]
You say you're not attracted to her. Are you certain she's not attracted to you?
posted by kapers at 6:42 PM on May 3, 2017
posted by kapers at 6:42 PM on May 3, 2017
She's 19, so there's technically nothing wrong, but I understand your concern. Of course, are you sure she's really 19 and not, say, 16?
If you plan to continue this, I would keep your conversations focused on the shared interest and I would avoid talking about your personal lives and especially anything remotely flirty. It's fine to have a shared hobby and respect her interest in that hobby. Doesn't mean you need to share everything, especially since it sounds like you don't view her as an actual peer or equal in some ways.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:58 PM on May 3, 2017
If you plan to continue this, I would keep your conversations focused on the shared interest and I would avoid talking about your personal lives and especially anything remotely flirty. It's fine to have a shared hobby and respect her interest in that hobby. Doesn't mean you need to share everything, especially since it sounds like you don't view her as an actual peer or equal in some ways.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:58 PM on May 3, 2017
Never, ever, give the impression that you see her as a potential romantic partner.
Never tell her she's mature for her age - that's something creeps do to groom young women.
Never talk about your personal problems and make her feel she's a "good listener" and that you have a "special connection".
Those are all things I craved from an older man as a young woman, and creeps use this to exploit the power and experience imbalance. You may not be interested in romance, but she may be. Don't invite trouble.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:36 PM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
Never tell her she's mature for her age - that's something creeps do to groom young women.
Never talk about your personal problems and make her feel she's a "good listener" and that you have a "special connection".
Those are all things I craved from an older man as a young woman, and creeps use this to exploit the power and experience imbalance. You may not be interested in romance, but she may be. Don't invite trouble.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:36 PM on May 3, 2017 [3 favorites]
I have a few hobbies that are mostly done by people ~30 years my senior. I've been visiting one of them in her apartment for lunch for years. I think intergenerational friendships are a great thing and should be encouraged.
If you want suggestions for appropriate limits to your interaction, a few common precautions to avoid the appearance of impropriety include meeting in in public, or with a chaperone, and in general disclosing to mutual acquaintances the extent of your interactions. Nowadays, it's best to do this stuff without announcing that you're doing it, e.g., invite the chaperone along as a friend, not as a chaperone.
posted by d. z. wang at 6:02 AM on May 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
If you want suggestions for appropriate limits to your interaction, a few common precautions to avoid the appearance of impropriety include meeting in in public, or with a chaperone, and in general disclosing to mutual acquaintances the extent of your interactions. Nowadays, it's best to do this stuff without announcing that you're doing it, e.g., invite the chaperone along as a friend, not as a chaperone.
posted by d. z. wang at 6:02 AM on May 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
I don't think this is an issue. I would understand if she was twelve but nothing strikes me as particularly strange about two adults having a friendship, even if they are in different stages of life and maturity.
posted by armadillo1224 at 6:48 AM on May 4, 2017
posted by armadillo1224 at 6:48 AM on May 4, 2017
Some of my strongest friendships were with people I met when I was in my teens and they were in their twenties/thirties/whatever. Fandom was the great equalizer, as it sound like you experienced. Stick with the general boundaries you would have for any friend you met this way.
posted by RainyJay at 11:24 AM on May 4, 2017
posted by RainyJay at 11:24 AM on May 4, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
Otherwise, for all practical social purposes, she's grown. I know tumblr-fandom does this weird thing in which the teenagers are fanatically dedicated to maintaining this notion of themselves as vulnerable children who are entitled to turn any space they appear in into a nursery, but that's not actually how the real world works.
posted by praemunire at 9:37 AM on May 3, 2017 [20 favorites]