Help me overcome religious baggage about sex

April 25, 2017 4:45 PM

I'm seeking resources for overcoming the guilt, shame, and other complicated issues I'm dealing with after receiving abstinence-only sexual education in my early teens. This took place in an evangelical Christian context. I'd love to read books, blogs, or participate in groups that help people form a healthy and sex-positive approach after internalizing notions of purity.

I am female. I have vaginismus, which is a complicating factor, so things that address that are great, too.

I'm seeking out sex therapy. I no longer identify as Christian, but this particular subject seems to be rooted deeply in my brain and body.

One parent is fine with whatever I choose to do with my life; the other is still passively not on board with premarital sex, and I think that might be a specific source of reluctance as well.

posted by delight to Human Relations (9 answers total)

As a fellow sufferer I applaud you for asking for help! Come As You Are is awesome. So awesome. She explains how sex works in your brain and how you can start untangling what society says vs what your body might want. Oh Joy Sex Toy does some good explainers, but maybe just start with the book for now.

I didn't have a religious upbringing per se, but my family was very socially conservative and I got squashed all the time for really any kind of confidence, sexual or no. It's a hard road. If you ever want to talk, feel free to memail me. Good luck!
posted by Bistyfrass at 5:04 PM on April 25, 2017

The Guide To Getting It On is a pretty good resource.

Congratulations and good luck! Learning about sexuality, sensuality, and our right as women to our bodies, and pleasure is a life long process. I grew up with fairly left-leaning/radical parents, I'm still unpacking all the weird messaging I received around sex, and shame around my body, sexuality, men, desire, virginity, purity... learning how to ask for what I want, learning about what I want vs what I've been programmed to want. I'm still growing into my sexuality as a married mama in my 30's, so this thread will be helpful for me, too.
posted by Rocket26 at 5:44 PM on April 25, 2017

I can't recommend the book I <3 Female Orgasm enough. An OBGYN recommended it to me in college and it totally changed the way I thought about my body (it's not really just about orgasms). It's mostly just all about how you're ok and your body is ok and you're normal and fine, and it really helped me out back in the day.

Oh Joy Sex Toy does some good explainers

I highly recommend that you not do this. I say that as a fan of the site, but almost every single page has extremely detailed and graphic drawings of genitals and sex acts, and for a person who isn't comfortable with sex I think it might be super off-putting.
posted by showbiz_liz at 5:45 PM on April 25, 2017

You might want to check out Libby Anne's blog on Patheos Love, Joy, Feminism. She grew up in the evangelical culture and was homeschooled. When she went to college, everything changed for her. Her blog has specific projects on purity culture and the quiverful movement, all of which are really bad for growing up with healthy attitudes about sex and self. Best of luck.
posted by MovableBookLady at 6:23 PM on April 25, 2017

+1 to Oh Joy Sex Toy and their recommendation of Come As You Are (on my wishlist but haven't read it.)

I too was raised Christian and am atheist. Let me tell you, it definitely screwed me up as a woman around sex. I was basically taught that sexual desire and mastrubation was bad, and that it was up to women to "tame" men's sexual appetites and that we exist to serve men.
We don't. We have our own needs and desires. Sex should be equal.

Also, your sexual activity is your own. It doesn't need to be talked about or approved of with your parents.

There are some really good sex-positive people on Instagram and such. I really like The Vulva Gallery on Instagram. She talks about diversity in bodies which I find helpful for body positivity.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:36 PM on April 25, 2017

Since you mention being open to participating in groups, I'm going to add the Unitarian Universalist sex education curriculum, Our Whole Lives, which includes a program for adults. I don't know how many UU churches run OWL classes for adults or whether you're anywhere near one, but it's a good resource if you have access to it.
posted by Daily Alice at 8:57 PM on April 25, 2017

One parent is fine with whatever I choose to do with my life; the other is still passively not on board with premarital sex, and I think that might be a specific source of reluctance as well.

Remember, your parents mostly don't need to know if you're having sex/what kind of sex you're having! If you have a lot of shame around sex it can seem like the "healthy" thing is to be completely open about your sex life with people, but sex is still a really private topic for a lot of people. I mostly don't like talking about sex with people I'm not having sex (or interested in having sex) with.

I mean, obviously if you're living with a partner or something they are going to guess/suspect. But you don't need to think about your parents thinking about you having sex.

Anyway, actual resources: what about Scarleteen? I know I wish I had had it during my (non-religious, but still impressively sex-negative) younger years.
posted by mskyle at 5:10 AM on April 26, 2017

If you are looking for a therapist for the vaginismus in the Bay Area, memail me.
posted by freezer cake at 9:16 AM on April 26, 2017

And if all the resources that are about YOU SPECIFICALLY get overwhelming, I can personally recommend that you broaden your reading to include sex-positive fiction. I started by sneaking romance novels, then discovered online fan fiction - sometimes it can help you deprogram yourself if you start with "stories about these characters that I really care about falling in love" and then progress to gradually more explicit stories about the physical aspects of their love. And THEN it can be easier to make the cognitive leap from "this is fine and healthy for (Mulder and Scully / Han and Leia / Root and Shaw / Kirk and Spock)" to "this is fine and healthy for me."

(Also, solidarity Internet fist-bumps from a survivor of the truly abysmal "Sex Respect" curriculum, URGH.)
posted by oblique red at 9:58 AM on April 26, 2017