For the sake of the kids: diplomacy edition
April 24, 2017 2:26 PM Subscribe
I am currently feeling quite upset with an in-law and biting my tongue to preserve my child's future relationship with that person. Where do you decide to draw the line in these things?
I tend to be a direct communicator around issues of fairness. I also tend to enjoy authentic relationships. There are some big value differences happening, and areas of difference that inspire me to ask the sort of questions that cause grudges. How can I get my needs met without causing WW3?
My ideal solution would be a heart to heart with the in law where they help me understand better why they do things a certain way. Super bonus would be insight in themselves about the negative impact they have caused but I am not holding my breath. Even acknowledging that they have played favorites would be a big help for my "fairness button." Or if this is all due to conservative values, a dialogue about that would help me understand and stop judging so much.
I tend to value honesty over tact so for now I'm saying nothing at all. I don't even know if what I want to do can happen with tact, or if the process is even reasonable to consider when the family rules are all about superficiality and privacy.
If context is needed, my mother has been helping with child care during my work hours and due to health problems may have to stop. My mother-in-law decided any help she offers will be in the form of taking my breastfed infant out of state for a month until I can have other arrangements in place. I'm pretty livid about it, and trying to determine if I am being reasonable, and whether it is fair to ever address the amount of help she offers us compared to her other adult children whom she provides childcare for regularly.
To be clear, this is just one event. I'm asking for help to decide when a line is crossed to an extent that it warrants action and if it does, how to be diplomatic about it. And how to not hate yourself for swallowing your truth.
I tend to be a direct communicator around issues of fairness. I also tend to enjoy authentic relationships. There are some big value differences happening, and areas of difference that inspire me to ask the sort of questions that cause grudges. How can I get my needs met without causing WW3?
My ideal solution would be a heart to heart with the in law where they help me understand better why they do things a certain way. Super bonus would be insight in themselves about the negative impact they have caused but I am not holding my breath. Even acknowledging that they have played favorites would be a big help for my "fairness button." Or if this is all due to conservative values, a dialogue about that would help me understand and stop judging so much.
I tend to value honesty over tact so for now I'm saying nothing at all. I don't even know if what I want to do can happen with tact, or if the process is even reasonable to consider when the family rules are all about superficiality and privacy.
If context is needed, my mother has been helping with child care during my work hours and due to health problems may have to stop. My mother-in-law decided any help she offers will be in the form of taking my breastfed infant out of state for a month until I can have other arrangements in place. I'm pretty livid about it, and trying to determine if I am being reasonable, and whether it is fair to ever address the amount of help she offers us compared to her other adult children whom she provides childcare for regularly.
To be clear, this is just one event. I'm asking for help to decide when a line is crossed to an extent that it warrants action and if it does, how to be diplomatic about it. And how to not hate yourself for swallowing your truth.
I think we're going to need more info here.
I think the situation is that your MIL lives out of state, and provides childcare to other family members nearby. You're up against it with your mom's health problems, and would like her to help out, even if it means staying with you for an extended period of time. She's unwilling to do this, and has offered (seriously or not) to take the baby for a month back to her home while you figure out alternate arrangements.
Does that sound about right?
posted by Oktober at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2017 [7 favorites]
I think the situation is that your MIL lives out of state, and provides childcare to other family members nearby. You're up against it with your mom's health problems, and would like her to help out, even if it means staying with you for an extended period of time. She's unwilling to do this, and has offered (seriously or not) to take the baby for a month back to her home while you figure out alternate arrangements.
Does that sound about right?
posted by Oktober at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2017 [7 favorites]
I'm pretty livid about it, and trying to determine if I am being reasonable,
Can you clarify where your mother-in-law lives? Is it out of state, and she wants to take the child into her home until you get other care settled? That's the only scenario that would even be approaching okay.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Can you clarify where your mother-in-law lives? Is it out of state, and she wants to take the child into her home until you get other care settled? That's the only scenario that would even be approaching okay.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Is the idea that she doesn't want to come stay with you and provide help in your house? And is "offering" to take the baby to her own home (which is obviously not a realistic offer?)
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:34 PM on April 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:34 PM on April 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
I mean, I think there's a bigger issue here that you want up address, and honestly, in this context, I wouldn't address it.
She lives in another state and her offer to provide childcare will not be meeting your other child's needs. So... Thanks but no thanks. I see no reason to be livid or to agonize this. You appreciate the offer to help but you'll be finding other arrangements.
posted by Amy93 at 2:36 PM on April 24, 2017 [45 favorites]
She lives in another state and her offer to provide childcare will not be meeting your other child's needs. So... Thanks but no thanks. I see no reason to be livid or to agonize this. You appreciate the offer to help but you'll be finding other arrangements.
posted by Amy93 at 2:36 PM on April 24, 2017 [45 favorites]
Helping anyone with childcare, even your own children, gets to happen on your own terms (with some caveats for legitimate short-term emergencies, like "spouse is in the ER and we can't bring the baby in for reasons, can you take the baby for a few hours seeing as you live nearby?"). So if she's unwilling to watch your baby except on unreasonable terms, that's her right. It's also your right to resent her for it, but if anyone questions the reasoning with her, it should probably be her own child.
posted by ldthomps at 2:39 PM on April 24, 2017 [21 favorites]
posted by ldthomps at 2:39 PM on April 24, 2017 [21 favorites]
Treating people differently is not necessarily unfair. You don't give a lot of details here, but different people have different needs and your needs may be different from those of her other family, and you wouldn't necessarily know those details. It's also unfair of you to realistically ask her to drop everything (or anything) to come watch your kid on your terms and not be willing to accept "no" as an answer to that.
I don't know what you mean by "a line is crossed that warrants actions". A few things: 1) if these are your in-laws, then your spouse, and not you, should be in charge of communication with them. 2) "actions" can be many things - what do you hope to accomplish with a confrontation? That isn't a rhetorical question - what is your desired outcome?
The line, in my opinion, is if their actions are actively hurting your child, in which case your recourse is to remove the child from that situation - not necessarily to harangue the adult for not acting how you want them to. You can be clear about boundaries and what you want, but you can't make people act a certain way and you are your child's parents, not other adult's parents.
posted by brainmouse at 2:43 PM on April 24, 2017 [20 favorites]
I don't know what you mean by "a line is crossed that warrants actions". A few things: 1) if these are your in-laws, then your spouse, and not you, should be in charge of communication with them. 2) "actions" can be many things - what do you hope to accomplish with a confrontation? That isn't a rhetorical question - what is your desired outcome?
The line, in my opinion, is if their actions are actively hurting your child, in which case your recourse is to remove the child from that situation - not necessarily to harangue the adult for not acting how you want them to. You can be clear about boundaries and what you want, but you can't make people act a certain way and you are your child's parents, not other adult's parents.
posted by brainmouse at 2:43 PM on April 24, 2017 [20 favorites]
My mother-in-law decided any help she offers will be in the form of taking my breastfed infant out of state for a month until I can have other arrangements in place.
Unless you are desperate and need to do this for those reasons, this is just a "thanks but no thanks" situation if I am reading your question correctly. However, I'm having a hard time parsing what you are saying and it seems like there is a lot going on
- this is not your mother but you haven't mentioned your spouse's role in any of this
- you say you value honesty over tact but then are saying nothing?to me, this does not add up.
- the fairness issue seems to loom large but it's totally unclear what that issue is
My basic feelings are: your kid your rules and offered help that is not helpful can just be discarded. This may rankle if there are other kids in slightly different circumstances who may be getting different treatment but it also seems like distance may be an issue here? I don't think you're going to be able to get inside her head. I think you and your spouse should have a chat about this. It's always okay to feel how you feel but being diplomatic doesn't have to always automatically imply also being dishonest.
posted by jessamyn at 2:45 PM on April 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
Unless you are desperate and need to do this for those reasons, this is just a "thanks but no thanks" situation if I am reading your question correctly. However, I'm having a hard time parsing what you are saying and it seems like there is a lot going on
- this is not your mother but you haven't mentioned your spouse's role in any of this
- you say you value honesty over tact but then are saying nothing?to me, this does not add up.
- the fairness issue seems to loom large but it's totally unclear what that issue is
My basic feelings are: your kid your rules and offered help that is not helpful can just be discarded. This may rankle if there are other kids in slightly different circumstances who may be getting different treatment but it also seems like distance may be an issue here? I don't think you're going to be able to get inside her head. I think you and your spouse should have a chat about this. It's always okay to feel how you feel but being diplomatic doesn't have to always automatically imply also being dishonest.
posted by jessamyn at 2:45 PM on April 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
What's the benefit to you or your family by bringing up this question of fairness? (Also if anyone brings it up, it should be your spouse.) I don't think that you are actually likely in most cases to get an answer that is going to satisfy you.
I don't expect grownup life to be "fair." My in-laws have four really different kids with really different lives and needs, spread across the country. My own parents have two very different kids born 5 years apart. There is no possible way for the grandparents to treat all the grandkids (age range from 24 to 6) the same way or offer help in the same way to everyone. And that's even before you get to personalities. Part of standing on my own feet as an adult is to recognize and respect that differences...happen.
I also don't personally believe that it's the grandparents' job to provide care for the grandkids. It is nice and we actually enjoy some help from my MIL right now, although we are also helping her out. But my own parents, who live not too far away, have almost never dependably been able to help when we need it because of their issues and also, some of ours. And that's okay.
So my response to you over this particular issue is - just say no thank you. And for the broader issue, I think probably what will give you the most peace over time is to accept that life is not a ledger book and enjoy the help your in-laws can provide and the relationship that you have now, not try to force it into something in the name of fairness.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:47 PM on April 24, 2017 [31 favorites]
I don't expect grownup life to be "fair." My in-laws have four really different kids with really different lives and needs, spread across the country. My own parents have two very different kids born 5 years apart. There is no possible way for the grandparents to treat all the grandkids (age range from 24 to 6) the same way or offer help in the same way to everyone. And that's even before you get to personalities. Part of standing on my own feet as an adult is to recognize and respect that differences...happen.
I also don't personally believe that it's the grandparents' job to provide care for the grandkids. It is nice and we actually enjoy some help from my MIL right now, although we are also helping her out. But my own parents, who live not too far away, have almost never dependably been able to help when we need it because of their issues and also, some of ours. And that's okay.
So my response to you over this particular issue is - just say no thank you. And for the broader issue, I think probably what will give you the most peace over time is to accept that life is not a ledger book and enjoy the help your in-laws can provide and the relationship that you have now, not try to force it into something in the name of fairness.
posted by warriorqueen at 2:47 PM on April 24, 2017 [31 favorites]
Once you are a grown-up, the idea of disputing "fairness" in terms of what a parent gives to each of his/her children, especially when it comes to genuine favors like childcare, should not even be crossing your mind. You're going on about honesty and authenticity, but what you're really doing is keeping score, which is a sad basis for a family relationship. Your instinct not to show how petty you're feeling at the moment is actually sound. One reason people come out against untrammelled honesty and authenticity in relationships is that even the best of us have some ugliness in us that doesn't improve with sharing.
posted by praemunire at 2:48 PM on April 24, 2017 [41 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 2:48 PM on April 24, 2017 [41 favorites]
Even if she gives her other children more help than you, she doesn't owe anyone "fairness" or equality in her effort. She gets to decide what she does and doesn't do.
You are not entitled to having your needs met by another person, or entitled to another person's labor. You get two choices: accept what people give you on the terms they offer, or don't interact with them. It's fine if you choose to cut her off for this, that's your boundary and you get to decide it. You don't get to dictate her boundaries. Not even if you do it "authentically", which...for the most part isn't a thing.
Every once in a while, when all parties are willing and open to it, it is possible to have a discussion about a situation that creates enlightenment and gets everyone what they want, but this interaction has to be brutally free of ulterior motives and manipulation, and that is not the situation you are describing. They are how they are and you don't like it. You think the solution is for them to be like you want. Chances are good they think the same of you.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:58 PM on April 24, 2017 [9 favorites]
You are not entitled to having your needs met by another person, or entitled to another person's labor. You get two choices: accept what people give you on the terms they offer, or don't interact with them. It's fine if you choose to cut her off for this, that's your boundary and you get to decide it. You don't get to dictate her boundaries. Not even if you do it "authentically", which...for the most part isn't a thing.
Every once in a while, when all parties are willing and open to it, it is possible to have a discussion about a situation that creates enlightenment and gets everyone what they want, but this interaction has to be brutally free of ulterior motives and manipulation, and that is not the situation you are describing. They are how they are and you don't like it. You think the solution is for them to be like you want. Chances are good they think the same of you.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:58 PM on April 24, 2017 [9 favorites]
If context is needed, my mother has been helping with child care during my work hours and due to health problems may have to stop. My mother-in-law decided any help she offers will be in the form of taking my breastfed infant out of state for a month until I can have other arrangements in place. I'm pretty livid about it, and trying to determine if I am being reasonable, and whether it is fair to ever address the amount of help she offers us compared to her other adult children whom she provides childcare for regularly.
We live 90 minutes from my parents. It's close for emergencies. It's not so close for anything routine. My parents help as they can and have done so in a variety of ways, BUT I can't expect them to be available at the drop of a hat for me the way my siblings who live in the same town can. Of course they provide more childcare for my sisters and my brother. No, they can't come stay with me for a random month, and yes, they would and have taken my kids out of state for a week due to some really unexpected circumstances, but it was more a situation where all the stars lined up the right way that they could.
I sometimes get a little wistful and a little upset and emotionally perplexed about the unfairness. But I also had my reasons for making my life a distance away from them and I choose to live with those choices for some good reasons.
That your mother-in-law offered any help at all is decent of her. I agree with you it's too long for an infant, heck, it's too long for kids of a lot of ages. My 8 year old can barely handle a week away from us and from home. These are, unfortunately, mutually exclusive to your current needs. So, since this childcare situation isn't going to work out (clearly), your time and energy is best spent on finding one that will than having it out with your mother-in-law over a situation that really isn't a problem --- it's just what is.
posted by zizzle at 2:59 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
We live 90 minutes from my parents. It's close for emergencies. It's not so close for anything routine. My parents help as they can and have done so in a variety of ways, BUT I can't expect them to be available at the drop of a hat for me the way my siblings who live in the same town can. Of course they provide more childcare for my sisters and my brother. No, they can't come stay with me for a random month, and yes, they would and have taken my kids out of state for a week due to some really unexpected circumstances, but it was more a situation where all the stars lined up the right way that they could.
I sometimes get a little wistful and a little upset and emotionally perplexed about the unfairness. But I also had my reasons for making my life a distance away from them and I choose to live with those choices for some good reasons.
That your mother-in-law offered any help at all is decent of her. I agree with you it's too long for an infant, heck, it's too long for kids of a lot of ages. My 8 year old can barely handle a week away from us and from home. These are, unfortunately, mutually exclusive to your current needs. So, since this childcare situation isn't going to work out (clearly), your time and energy is best spent on finding one that will than having it out with your mother-in-law over a situation that really isn't a problem --- it's just what is.
posted by zizzle at 2:59 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Clarification as requested. She lives out of state and offers occasional childcare for other grandkids that live closer to her. She travels often for pleasure, and recently also did some other travel for family needs. Most recently she traveled for several days farther from her home than I am for pleasure. She is wealthy and could afford a hotel to stay local to me. The other grandkids have adequate coverage from other family members including uncles/aunts/family friends who stay home with the kids in the case of emergency. MIL "offered" to take the infant to her home for the temporary emergency childcare scenario after giving him a couple of days to adjust to her. He last saw her about 4 months ago and was too young to remember it.
posted by crunchy potato at 2:59 PM on April 24, 2017
posted by crunchy potato at 2:59 PM on April 24, 2017
This post is light on details so I'm guessing at the situation. Apologies if I assume too much. You talk about this like you are 'owed' childcare from your MIL. No one else is ever obliged to look after your children for you. They're your responsibility. The fact that she does it for other family members is neither here nor there, and from the sound of it, she does so because of sheer proximity - it sounds like she lives near them. I'm sure if your MIL lived near you, she probably WOULD try to help. But is she obliged to drop everything, abandon all her responsibilities and life to move interstate and take on yours? Of course not.
I understand you're struggling, the last time you posted you had three jobs to wrangle, a baby and an unemployed husband. What is his situation now? If he's (hopefully) working, can you now afford a babysitter or daycare? If he's not working (hopefully) he can look after the baby. In short, where is your husband in all of this? Where does he stand with this situation with his mother as well? I feel for you but I think your frustrations are misdirected.
posted by Jubey at 3:01 PM on April 24, 2017 [20 favorites]
I understand you're struggling, the last time you posted you had three jobs to wrangle, a baby and an unemployed husband. What is his situation now? If he's (hopefully) working, can you now afford a babysitter or daycare? If he's not working (hopefully) he can look after the baby. In short, where is your husband in all of this? Where does he stand with this situation with his mother as well? I feel for you but I think your frustrations are misdirected.
posted by Jubey at 3:01 PM on April 24, 2017 [20 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry, the fairness issue is that she is quick to support her other children but not my husband. He says it has always been that way, even when he lived as close as his siblings she never helped with his kids. He is having some health problems also, and isn't a viable caregiver at the moment.
posted by crunchy potato at 3:07 PM on April 24, 2017
posted by crunchy potato at 3:07 PM on April 24, 2017
All I can say is I really feel for you. It sounds like your share of domestic and paid work has only gotten heavier since you last posted.
You have every right to be angry at your MIL. It's gross that she won't help her son's family out (I'm assuming his health issue is something like "can't carry the baby" or "can't walk" and that he's therefore unable to take care of your kid.) However, it won't do any good to confront her about it; it's his mother, not yours, and the issue of what help she offers other people isn't relevant. And you can't, in fairness, make demands of her.
I'm sorry. This sucks. I hope your husband recovers soon.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:17 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
You have every right to be angry at your MIL. It's gross that she won't help her son's family out (I'm assuming his health issue is something like "can't carry the baby" or "can't walk" and that he's therefore unable to take care of your kid.) However, it won't do any good to confront her about it; it's his mother, not yours, and the issue of what help she offers other people isn't relevant. And you can't, in fairness, make demands of her.
I'm sorry. This sucks. I hope your husband recovers soon.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:17 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
I think this is an issue of the straw that's broken your back. There's a lot of potentially valid reasons for her to help with childcare in some instances but not others, ranging from travel concerns, parenting views, or changes in energy levels (I.e. she's tiring out more easily with age, so prefers to take care of an infant in her own home).
But it sounds like there are other reasons for feeling​ there is favoritism. Bringing this up with her would likely just cause a rift/blowup, possibly with her coming up with a justification for why she made the offer she did (possibly with this or maybe every slight you bring to her attention).
That sounds exhausting. Which you don't need right now. Just move on to what you'd do if you had the conversation without a satisfactory ending.
Move her to the bottom of your care about list. You, your kid, and your husband are at the top of your list. Don't think to ask MIL for help because it'll just frustrate you. Don't move an inch out of your way for her either. Answer her calls only if you feel like it. If anyone asks what's up (like her other kids), don't engage, just say you're very busy right now.
You're in emergency mode. Even if she "deserved" a day in court, you don't have the reserves to manage that right now. Life isn't fair and it's not your responsibility to make it so.
posted by ghost phoneme at 3:25 PM on April 24, 2017 [13 favorites]
But it sounds like there are other reasons for feeling​ there is favoritism. Bringing this up with her would likely just cause a rift/blowup, possibly with her coming up with a justification for why she made the offer she did (possibly with this or maybe every slight you bring to her attention).
That sounds exhausting. Which you don't need right now. Just move on to what you'd do if you had the conversation without a satisfactory ending.
Move her to the bottom of your care about list. You, your kid, and your husband are at the top of your list. Don't think to ask MIL for help because it'll just frustrate you. Don't move an inch out of your way for her either. Answer her calls only if you feel like it. If anyone asks what's up (like her other kids), don't engage, just say you're very busy right now.
You're in emergency mode. Even if she "deserved" a day in court, you don't have the reserves to manage that right now. Life isn't fair and it's not your responsibility to make it so.
posted by ghost phoneme at 3:25 PM on April 24, 2017 [13 favorites]
I don't understand what you mean by "fair" at all. You're an adult who chose to have kids. Both your mother and mother-in-law have offered to help with childcare. Lucky you! Sometimes these offers, well meant or not, are not convenient for you for various reasons and your only option is to say thanks but no thanks. You're not owed a thing by anyone other than the other parent of these kids. It's certainly not reasonable for you to be upset or angry about it.
posted by tillsbury at 3:36 PM on April 24, 2017 [9 favorites]
posted by tillsbury at 3:36 PM on April 24, 2017 [9 favorites]
What I think is that you are this kid's mother and what you say goes.
"Loretta, would it be at all possible for you to find an AirBnB rental or extended stay hotel here in our area and come help us out for 4 weeks from _______ to ________? We could really use the help right now, and I know it would mean so much to [husband]. You've been so helpful with the other grandkids and we're really in a bind right now."
Honestly, when you are dealing with people who play a lot of emotional games with each other, you have to be really direct and specific about what you want, if you want anything from them at all. Honestly, I remember some of your previous questions and it seems like you are constantly put in the problem solver role. Your husband should be having this discussion with his mother but, I get it, your husband has quite a few emotional issues, if memory serves. Anyway, if your mother-in-law is withholding from her son, your husband? Well, you need to shine a big fat light on it in the most direct, pleasant way possible so that you get the help you need. If she comes back with an offer that is unacceptable to you? Such as, "Well, it would just be so much easier for me to take the baby back to Cleveland..."? No. You say no, that's not going to work, we're not ready to wean, thanks anyway, and then you look into other options. A sabbatical? Sick/personal leave? You bring your baby to work with you? Church daycare? In-home childcare with a stay-at-home parent you know?
Frankly, I would worry less about your child's future relationship with your mother-in-law than you do. This is her grandkid. If she plays the kind of games you're talking about - taking out her frustrations with you or your husband on her grandchild, say - then I say stop care-taking her needs, set a short-term goal to get coverage for your kid, and cross the bridge you're talking about if and when it comes. Probably by limiting contact with a person who'd play shitty games with a kid.
PS none of this is healthy or ok. Healthy families do better than this; you don't have to walk on eggshells to get someone to help out with childcare if they're capable and can afford it. This is not healthy.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 3:37 PM on April 24, 2017 [8 favorites]
"Loretta, would it be at all possible for you to find an AirBnB rental or extended stay hotel here in our area and come help us out for 4 weeks from _______ to ________? We could really use the help right now, and I know it would mean so much to [husband]. You've been so helpful with the other grandkids and we're really in a bind right now."
Honestly, when you are dealing with people who play a lot of emotional games with each other, you have to be really direct and specific about what you want, if you want anything from them at all. Honestly, I remember some of your previous questions and it seems like you are constantly put in the problem solver role. Your husband should be having this discussion with his mother but, I get it, your husband has quite a few emotional issues, if memory serves. Anyway, if your mother-in-law is withholding from her son, your husband? Well, you need to shine a big fat light on it in the most direct, pleasant way possible so that you get the help you need. If she comes back with an offer that is unacceptable to you? Such as, "Well, it would just be so much easier for me to take the baby back to Cleveland..."? No. You say no, that's not going to work, we're not ready to wean, thanks anyway, and then you look into other options. A sabbatical? Sick/personal leave? You bring your baby to work with you? Church daycare? In-home childcare with a stay-at-home parent you know?
Frankly, I would worry less about your child's future relationship with your mother-in-law than you do. This is her grandkid. If she plays the kind of games you're talking about - taking out her frustrations with you or your husband on her grandchild, say - then I say stop care-taking her needs, set a short-term goal to get coverage for your kid, and cross the bridge you're talking about if and when it comes. Probably by limiting contact with a person who'd play shitty games with a kid.
PS none of this is healthy or ok. Healthy families do better than this; you don't have to walk on eggshells to get someone to help out with childcare if they're capable and can afford it. This is not healthy.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 3:37 PM on April 24, 2017 [8 favorites]
As you can see there are lots of different ideas about what people can expect from their parents. In some cultures and in some families - like mine - it would be unthinkable for a parent not to offer whatever help they can when it's truly needed, regardless of their kid's age. There are others where parents feel no such obligation.
Your posting history makes me wonder whether your MIL thinks your husband ought to be doing the childcare, ie that this isn't really an emergency, is that possible?
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:49 PM on April 24, 2017 [6 favorites]
Your posting history makes me wonder whether your MIL thinks your husband ought to be doing the childcare, ie that this isn't really an emergency, is that possible?
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:49 PM on April 24, 2017 [6 favorites]
I don't understand why you think your MIL owes you childcare. She has her own life, and she gets to decide how to spend her time. Worrying about fairness is going to get you nowhere.
Some people do think it's reasonable for a baby to live with grandparents for an extended period of time. I know parents in tough situations who have done this. From that point of view, her offer is generous. There's no reason to be livid. Just say thanks but no thanks.
posted by FencingGal at 3:57 PM on April 24, 2017 [12 favorites]
Some people do think it's reasonable for a baby to live with grandparents for an extended period of time. I know parents in tough situations who have done this. From that point of view, her offer is generous. There's no reason to be livid. Just say thanks but no thanks.
posted by FencingGal at 3:57 PM on April 24, 2017 [12 favorites]
I've been where you are and I honestly wonder if this is slightly misplaced anger at your husbands lack of support. Within marriage true partnership isn't just what each partner brings to the marriage personally in terms of support but also the network they rely on and extend to you.
I understand that your husband is sick (and I assume pursing very aggressive treatment) so, knowing that he is not supporting you nor the infant, and that he can't expect any support from you (you need to prioritize yourself and your child) he needs to call on his support network now. You shouldn't be asking the MIL anything (especially since you have a somewhat fraught history). You husband should be communicating and solving the problem with her and the rest of his support network/resources and quickly presenting you with a solution. That is what he would do if he was a partner. If he isn't your partner, this issue between him and his mother will be used by both of them to triangulate and make you the cause of the problem. Don't fall into that trap and focus on what is best for you and your baby.
posted by saucysault at 4:03 PM on April 24, 2017 [26 favorites]
I understand that your husband is sick (and I assume pursing very aggressive treatment) so, knowing that he is not supporting you nor the infant, and that he can't expect any support from you (you need to prioritize yourself and your child) he needs to call on his support network now. You shouldn't be asking the MIL anything (especially since you have a somewhat fraught history). You husband should be communicating and solving the problem with her and the rest of his support network/resources and quickly presenting you with a solution. That is what he would do if he was a partner. If he isn't your partner, this issue between him and his mother will be used by both of them to triangulate and make you the cause of the problem. Don't fall into that trap and focus on what is best for you and your baby.
posted by saucysault at 4:03 PM on April 24, 2017 [26 favorites]
I'm pretty confused by this question- it seems like you are angry at your MIL because she helps your husband's siblings more because she lives near them, and, since she lives out of state, has said she cannot care for your child unless he/she lives with her? And you're angry because she's not spending money on a hotel near you to provide childcare for you?
If this is the situation,then you are not being reasonable.
posted by bearette at 4:20 PM on April 24, 2017 [21 favorites]
If this is the situation,then you are not being reasonable.
posted by bearette at 4:20 PM on April 24, 2017 [21 favorites]
I don't know anyone whose MIL would drop their life to live in a hotel nearby. It's very different from vacationing -- you're asking her to sacrifice her independent days filled with her own interests. I know some parents do this for their adult kids and grandkids, but it's not the norm. Usually the grandparents feel they have paid their dues as parents and now get to spoil the kids and have fun with them without being burdened by parental responsibility.
posted by flourpot at 4:31 PM on April 24, 2017 [22 favorites]
posted by flourpot at 4:31 PM on April 24, 2017 [22 favorites]
For me:
She lives out of state and offers occasional childcare for other grandkids that live closer to her. is pretty different to full time caring for an infant that may not even be sleeping through the night yet? I can understand her reluctance.
She travels often for pleasure... Most recently she traveled for several days farther from her home than I am for pleasure. She is wealthy and could afford a hotel to stay local to me. - Yeah, but like traveling for pleasure and traveling to fulltime care for an infant in a family where she probably feels not entirely welcome and has a so-so relationship with her son is a very different kettle of fish from going to Niagara for a week or something on a tour. I mean, these things are really not that same, I don't know that you can compare them - people are allowed to take holidays with their own money...
Moreover, to me, having her come and look after you kid sounds like a disaster in the making, honestly. It's clear you and your husband have a fractious relationship with her at the best of times, putting that relationship under the stress of looking after an infant full time (in ways you will no doubt disagree with), potentially staying with you, while your husband is sick etc etc. Honestly there is just no way that the relationship would hold up under that level of scrutiny/stress/expectation. Doing that could well be the final straw for the relationship.
I can't help but wonder if you've latched on to this idea in some ways *because* it's inaccessible, because you know it won't happen and a disliked MIL is a great dumping ground for feelings of stress and inconvenience etc that could otherwise boil over towards you husband, yourself or others.
In addition, good on you for not saying anything. I would be wary of your preference for "having it out". I have people close to me like that, and to be honest, that desire has created unnecessary rifts and hurt on both sides that have not been productive; giving the relationship some breathing room actually would have worked out better in the long run.
tl;dr:
1) Your MIL is allowed to do what she wants, when she wants, with her own money and time - and it doesn't make her a bad person;
2) Don't underplay the magnitude of the request you are asking her to do, it's a really, really big deal and I honestly can think of few people I know who would take something like that on;
3) Be consequentialist on your decisions to speak out, what outcome do you want from it? Would it help you/your husband's/your kid's relationship with her to speak up? Are *you* putting the health of the relationship first with what you want? Be realistic about what the outcome would be, and do so in the knowledge that the "unfairness" narrative (Whether true or disputable) is one she and the rest of the family are very familiar with already, and will have set positions on. Do you want to speak up to help things or to have your say?
4) Consider what you can negotiate - can you go stay? Can kid go stay for a long weekend? Could she come to you for a week if you ask nicely? etc etc
Best of luck buddy, I can feel your stress leaking from my monitor, but don't pick an undeserving target and do something that will have ramifications for years down the track.
posted by smoke at 4:32 PM on April 24, 2017 [40 favorites]
She lives out of state and offers occasional childcare for other grandkids that live closer to her. is pretty different to full time caring for an infant that may not even be sleeping through the night yet? I can understand her reluctance.
She travels often for pleasure... Most recently she traveled for several days farther from her home than I am for pleasure. She is wealthy and could afford a hotel to stay local to me. - Yeah, but like traveling for pleasure and traveling to fulltime care for an infant in a family where she probably feels not entirely welcome and has a so-so relationship with her son is a very different kettle of fish from going to Niagara for a week or something on a tour. I mean, these things are really not that same, I don't know that you can compare them - people are allowed to take holidays with their own money...
Moreover, to me, having her come and look after you kid sounds like a disaster in the making, honestly. It's clear you and your husband have a fractious relationship with her at the best of times, putting that relationship under the stress of looking after an infant full time (in ways you will no doubt disagree with), potentially staying with you, while your husband is sick etc etc. Honestly there is just no way that the relationship would hold up under that level of scrutiny/stress/expectation. Doing that could well be the final straw for the relationship.
I can't help but wonder if you've latched on to this idea in some ways *because* it's inaccessible, because you know it won't happen and a disliked MIL is a great dumping ground for feelings of stress and inconvenience etc that could otherwise boil over towards you husband, yourself or others.
In addition, good on you for not saying anything. I would be wary of your preference for "having it out". I have people close to me like that, and to be honest, that desire has created unnecessary rifts and hurt on both sides that have not been productive; giving the relationship some breathing room actually would have worked out better in the long run.
tl;dr:
1) Your MIL is allowed to do what she wants, when she wants, with her own money and time - and it doesn't make her a bad person;
2) Don't underplay the magnitude of the request you are asking her to do, it's a really, really big deal and I honestly can think of few people I know who would take something like that on;
3) Be consequentialist on your decisions to speak out, what outcome do you want from it? Would it help you/your husband's/your kid's relationship with her to speak up? Are *you* putting the health of the relationship first with what you want? Be realistic about what the outcome would be, and do so in the knowledge that the "unfairness" narrative (Whether true or disputable) is one she and the rest of the family are very familiar with already, and will have set positions on. Do you want to speak up to help things or to have your say?
4) Consider what you can negotiate - can you go stay? Can kid go stay for a long weekend? Could she come to you for a week if you ask nicely? etc etc
Best of luck buddy, I can feel your stress leaking from my monitor, but don't pick an undeserving target and do something that will have ramifications for years down the track.
posted by smoke at 4:32 PM on April 24, 2017 [40 favorites]
My mother-in-law decided any help she offers will be in the form of taking my breastfed infant out of state for a month until I can have other arrangements in place. I'm pretty livid about it, and trying to determine if I am being reasonable, and whether it is fair to ever address the amount of help she offers us compared to her other adult children whom she provides childcare for regularly.
If I may, and feel free to tell me I'm misreading, but the issue really is that you, crunchy potato, feel unsupported because somehow you have either heard this statement from your husband, or from your mother-in-law directly.
It is okay to feel let down by the people in your family. You are married. Your husband balks at childcare, or can't perform childcare, and it seems his mother has offered something that feels, to you, like a non-offer, or a token offer, or an inconsiderate offer. Your family should be helping take care of you and your child if your husband cannot work, not because of your husband but because there is a baby involved. A. Baby. There is a baby that must be cared for.
One thing you can do, crunchy potato, whether or not it is appropriate, is to directly ask your mother-in-law for what you want from her and let things play out as they will while sticking to your guns and refusing - politely - an offer that you don't want.
You do not get heard in this family. You do not get your needs met. You are always looking for the most politic, least offensive, least intrusive, most conflict-avoidant solution because you are involved in a family system where people play emotional games and don't do things fairly or nicely or respectfully, it would seem. That is not going to change. And yet your child must be cared for while you work. Ask for what you want if this is what you want. If you can, make another arrangement that does involve this kind of fraught, anxiety-inducing situation. If you cannot, ask your family member directly for what you want, since she has already presumably made noises about helping you out in some capacity, and it is actually okay to air out that idea. Because there is a baby involved.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 4:33 PM on April 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
If I may, and feel free to tell me I'm misreading, but the issue really is that you, crunchy potato, feel unsupported because somehow you have either heard this statement from your husband, or from your mother-in-law directly.
It is okay to feel let down by the people in your family. You are married. Your husband balks at childcare, or can't perform childcare, and it seems his mother has offered something that feels, to you, like a non-offer, or a token offer, or an inconsiderate offer. Your family should be helping take care of you and your child if your husband cannot work, not because of your husband but because there is a baby involved. A. Baby. There is a baby that must be cared for.
One thing you can do, crunchy potato, whether or not it is appropriate, is to directly ask your mother-in-law for what you want from her and let things play out as they will while sticking to your guns and refusing - politely - an offer that you don't want.
You do not get heard in this family. You do not get your needs met. You are always looking for the most politic, least offensive, least intrusive, most conflict-avoidant solution because you are involved in a family system where people play emotional games and don't do things fairly or nicely or respectfully, it would seem. That is not going to change. And yet your child must be cared for while you work. Ask for what you want if this is what you want. If you can, make another arrangement that does involve this kind of fraught, anxiety-inducing situation. If you cannot, ask your family member directly for what you want, since she has already presumably made noises about helping you out in some capacity, and it is actually okay to air out that idea. Because there is a baby involved.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 4:33 PM on April 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
The grandparents I know will take any opportunity to be around their grandkids if they can, babysit, etc - but most of them would not be positioned to leave their homes (and easy access to their medical providers, routine, work if applicable, etc.) to camp out with their far-away kid + grandkid for a month, no matter how much they wanted to. Obviously, some people are in fantastic health all through their lives, but most people have an increasingly limited amount of energy as they get on in years. If your MIL is a very private person, she may not be sharing everything about her own health state and limitations. Something to consider.
2nd saucysault with all the 2nds in the world... and if depression is the thing afflicting your husband, he needs to consider very intensive treatment, immediately. Being totally non-functional is not ok for him or anyone here. If other kinds of health issues are at play, again would suggest doing whatever possible to address them, including calling on supports available from whatever system can offer them. If he doesn't want to consider intensive treatment, immediately, or if it's not available, I think it is worth considering making totally alternative plans.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:40 PM on April 24, 2017 [7 favorites]
2nd saucysault with all the 2nds in the world... and if depression is the thing afflicting your husband, he needs to consider very intensive treatment, immediately. Being totally non-functional is not ok for him or anyone here. If other kinds of health issues are at play, again would suggest doing whatever possible to address them, including calling on supports available from whatever system can offer them. If he doesn't want to consider intensive treatment, immediately, or if it's not available, I think it is worth considering making totally alternative plans.
posted by cotton dress sock at 4:40 PM on April 24, 2017 [7 favorites]
I'm really sorry to hear that you are stretched so thin right now. It sounds like you and your husband are having a hard time and I get why you're feeling frustrated.
Since it sounds like MIL has favored her other children for years, I don't think your frustration about it is going to make much of a difference. I think it's one of those things that you have to accept -- not be happy about, but just note and adjust expectations around. Be cordial with her, but lean on others for help. Don't expend energy fruitlessly trying to get her to change a longstanding stance. Use that valuable time/energy/bandwidth seeking out other sources of support.
Best of luck and good wishes to you.
posted by delight at 5:04 PM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
Since it sounds like MIL has favored her other children for years, I don't think your frustration about it is going to make much of a difference. I think it's one of those things that you have to accept -- not be happy about, but just note and adjust expectations around. Be cordial with her, but lean on others for help. Don't expend energy fruitlessly trying to get her to change a longstanding stance. Use that valuable time/energy/bandwidth seeking out other sources of support.
Best of luck and good wishes to you.
posted by delight at 5:04 PM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you feel really desperate for childcare, and I know that when I am desperate or experiencing scarcity (like I have zero time or money to spare), I feel resentful and angry toward the people who could offer to help but don't. One thing that helps with those feelings is to consider the ways that the situation was my responsibility (every situation has an element of fate and deep history, but also there are usually ways that the situation was created by my choices both recent and long ago, and other context such as a lack of other options has also mostly been caused by me or has in some way been under my control). It's not their job to help, and if they want to be generous, great, but if they don't or can't be, well, I don't know all the details of their life that might explain that. When I'm feeling frustrated, angry, resentful, or envious about that, it's often worth just trying to put them out of my mind until I feel better.
You talk about honesty versus tact, but I'm of the opinion that in relationships, the honesty that we primarily have to offer is around our own feelings. What you'd say sounds more like accusations, blame, and judgment. It's not your job to judge her fairness as a mother.
I don't think you're in a good place for a conversation with her right now because your apparently-desperate need for childcare would likely come out as accusations and judgment. Maybe just stay silent for now and then see how you feel about the relationship after things get better for you. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
posted by salvia at 6:03 PM on April 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
You talk about honesty versus tact, but I'm of the opinion that in relationships, the honesty that we primarily have to offer is around our own feelings. What you'd say sounds more like accusations, blame, and judgment. It's not your job to judge her fairness as a mother.
I don't think you're in a good place for a conversation with her right now because your apparently-desperate need for childcare would likely come out as accusations and judgment. Maybe just stay silent for now and then see how you feel about the relationship after things get better for you. I'm sorry you're in this situation.
posted by salvia at 6:03 PM on April 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
While everyone above is right that you can't expect childcare, etc., the truth is that it sucks to be treated differently.
It sounds like there are two things you're looking for. One is help with childcare. The other is acknowledgment from your MIL that she has always played favorites.
Honestly, the second thing is not going to happen. You're framing it as swallowing your truth, but I don't see anything good coming out of airing this with your MIL. Yes, ideally she would see the light and apologize, but let's be real.
The first thing, I agree with those above to spell out exactly what you want, but I wouldn't count on getting it. Also, while it seems outrageous to you that she's offered to take care of your breastfed baby in a different state for a month (OK, that's outrageous to me too), it sounds like she has other childcare obligations and other things going on in her life. Again, ideally she would drop everything and help you, just as she has helped her other children, but it doesn't sound like you can reasonably expect that. She's never been that kind of mother/MIL to you before. And again, that sucks, but as delight said above, I think you need to accept it.
I hope you find the childcare you need.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:05 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
It sounds like there are two things you're looking for. One is help with childcare. The other is acknowledgment from your MIL that she has always played favorites.
Honestly, the second thing is not going to happen. You're framing it as swallowing your truth, but I don't see anything good coming out of airing this with your MIL. Yes, ideally she would see the light and apologize, but let's be real.
The first thing, I agree with those above to spell out exactly what you want, but I wouldn't count on getting it. Also, while it seems outrageous to you that she's offered to take care of your breastfed baby in a different state for a month (OK, that's outrageous to me too), it sounds like she has other childcare obligations and other things going on in her life. Again, ideally she would drop everything and help you, just as she has helped her other children, but it doesn't sound like you can reasonably expect that. She's never been that kind of mother/MIL to you before. And again, that sucks, but as delight said above, I think you need to accept it.
I hope you find the childcare you need.
posted by chickenmagazine at 6:05 PM on April 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
This was very much the situation with my father's parents. They showered lavish presents on all their other children's children, took took them on trips, spent all kinds of time with them, and heaped praise on their every little action. After yet another Christmas where all the cousins got beautiful handmade quilts, afghans, stuffed toys, and wooden and mechanical toys from the workshop, my sister and I got a box of pencils. Dad went over the day after Christmas, put a handful of bills on the kitchen table, and said, "Here, now you can afford to get your grandchildren a real present next year."
It's the only time I know of that my father ever stood up for me to anyone, and it did have an effect. Not just at Christmas; they started being nicer to us in general and not taking it out on us because Mom and Dad had eloped without consulting them years earlier.
Anyway, I think the point I'm trying to make is that your spouse should really be the one standing up to his mother; even if she doesn't feel she can help you with the child care you need comma she at least needs to be kind and civil about it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:10 PM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
It's the only time I know of that my father ever stood up for me to anyone, and it did have an effect. Not just at Christmas; they started being nicer to us in general and not taking it out on us because Mom and Dad had eloped without consulting them years earlier.
Anyway, I think the point I'm trying to make is that your spouse should really be the one standing up to his mother; even if she doesn't feel she can help you with the child care you need comma she at least needs to be kind and civil about it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 6:10 PM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
Even if you are right that she hasn't treated your husband fairly, then there's no reason that you'd get to cash in what's owed right now. I understand why you'd want to, but what you're wanting from her is a really big request.
I also wouldn't count on her seeing the fairness issue the same way. For all you know, she has a very different calculus under which things are fair. And this would be something for your husband to work out with her.
If you guys do want a closer relationship with her, you might also have to put more into it; you can't just demand that she give more; and you don't necessarily have full knowledge of what other families are doing to build a relationship with her.
posted by salvia at 6:11 PM on April 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
I also wouldn't count on her seeing the fairness issue the same way. For all you know, she has a very different calculus under which things are fair. And this would be something for your husband to work out with her.
If you guys do want a closer relationship with her, you might also have to put more into it; you can't just demand that she give more; and you don't necessarily have full knowledge of what other families are doing to build a relationship with her.
posted by salvia at 6:11 PM on April 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
For what it's worth, my parents, generally decent and loving parents, were usually quite happy to ship us-the-kids to family and summer camps for weeks at a time. Granted, we weren't quite as young as infant... But sometimes not that far from it.
So in my mind, all other complex relationship issues ignored, "I'll come down and spend several days with Child, then whisk Child away for a whole month" sounds like a fairy-godmother near perfect offer. I understand that Child may still be too young, but on the surface, it sounds like a generous and kind offer to me. And that isn't something to sneer at, complexities aside.
Unless MIL is a known narcissist and or the kind of person who will hold this above your head for eternity... It might be well to consider the offer from her perspective, and that taking care of an infant for a month is no small thing.
This also gives Child's relatives up near MIL to coo over a family member they may not get to see much.
posted by Jacen at 6:20 PM on April 24, 2017 [12 favorites]
So in my mind, all other complex relationship issues ignored, "I'll come down and spend several days with Child, then whisk Child away for a whole month" sounds like a fairy-godmother near perfect offer. I understand that Child may still be too young, but on the surface, it sounds like a generous and kind offer to me. And that isn't something to sneer at, complexities aside.
Unless MIL is a known narcissist and or the kind of person who will hold this above your head for eternity... It might be well to consider the offer from her perspective, and that taking care of an infant for a month is no small thing.
This also gives Child's relatives up near MIL to coo over a family member they may not get to see much.
posted by Jacen at 6:20 PM on April 24, 2017 [12 favorites]
You'll need to find other infant care, which sucks, but a nice "Thank you for the kind offer take your grandkiddo for a month! We can't handle the logistics of that now, but we will have an excited 4 year old for you before you know it!" can pin her down for the future.
Plus, every time she pisses you off, put a ten spot in a jar for that awesome vacation you'll get to take in a few years.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:03 PM on April 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
Plus, every time she pisses you off, put a ten spot in a jar for that awesome vacation you'll get to take in a few years.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:03 PM on April 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
Although for a certain culture and generation of women (of which I am a part) in the world right now, breastfeeding is sacred, that's definitely not the case for every culture/group of women or for other generations. I was glad to have a wonderful breastfeeding relationship for a period of time with both of my kids, but I know many women from the past and present who for various reasons either could not start breastfeeding or had to stop before they would have liked, for money, jobs, or health reasons. I know many women who had to make sacrifices like having their families take care of their children for months, even a year, while they went away to do some difficult work or take care of some important things, like being deployed, being ill, or doing an all-consuming internship job in order to go into a high paying career. There are also many women who gave their kids formula, were raised on formula themselves, and really don't understand why breastfeeding is such a big deal to those in my group or why we would be outraged at anything that threatens it. Their perspective is valid too, I think, although it's different from my own.
It sounds to me like your mother in law is making a very generous offer. My mother and mother in law are very kind with babysitting for me, and I've asked their help with taking care of my kids for even up to a week in the past, but I can't even imagine asking them to take care of the kids solo for a month. She's offering to do something very difficult and involving a lot of work for you. You don't want it, and you apparently have the privilege to be able to refuse it, but I think it's important to recognize that it is a privilege, and that if you really were desperate, what she's offering is a pretty priceless gift.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:10 PM on April 24, 2017 [21 favorites]
It sounds to me like your mother in law is making a very generous offer. My mother and mother in law are very kind with babysitting for me, and I've asked their help with taking care of my kids for even up to a week in the past, but I can't even imagine asking them to take care of the kids solo for a month. She's offering to do something very difficult and involving a lot of work for you. You don't want it, and you apparently have the privilege to be able to refuse it, but I think it's important to recognize that it is a privilege, and that if you really were desperate, what she's offering is a pretty priceless gift.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 8:10 PM on April 24, 2017 [21 favorites]
Your posting history makes me wonder whether your MIL thinks your husband ought to be doing the childcare, ie that this isn't really an emergency, is that possible?
I'm wondering this, also whether at least part of you secretly wants the MIL there for spouse-care because your husband sounds the more exhausting to deal with, and so the offer of taking the baby away for a month just sounds like taking the good thing away and leaving you in what is still a situation of misery.
Is the reason husband can't provide childcare his depression?
posted by corb at 8:13 PM on April 24, 2017 [21 favorites]
I'm wondering this, also whether at least part of you secretly wants the MIL there for spouse-care because your husband sounds the more exhausting to deal with, and so the offer of taking the baby away for a month just sounds like taking the good thing away and leaving you in what is still a situation of misery.
Is the reason husband can't provide childcare his depression?
posted by corb at 8:13 PM on April 24, 2017 [21 favorites]
One last thing. My 73 year-old mother-in-law has been staying with her son and his wife for 6 weeks now to care for their kids while he works and his wife goes through chemo. They asked her to come and she came. And these are 5 and 3 year olds; kids who need lots of stimulation and attend day care on some mornings and who are on different sleep schedules and etc., etc., etc. She's not getting paid. She's not making them feel guilty. She is not doing for one and not doing for another; she is doing what her kid asked her to do because sometimes families help each other in this way. And, by the way, this particular son gave her a shit ton of grief until he was in his mid-twenties.
I bring this up to say you are not crazy to think that there are functional, loving, adult families where older parents step in and help when there's a situation. They sometimes even do it freely and without a bunch of baggage.
And if breastfeeding is sacred for you? Good. You have the right. It's actually okay to feel hurt at the thought of being separated from your baby prematurely because your husband is presumably a.) unable to help with childcare, which was discussed at length in a previous post and b.) seemingly won't take the reins here and help ease this situation along.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:16 PM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
I bring this up to say you are not crazy to think that there are functional, loving, adult families where older parents step in and help when there's a situation. They sometimes even do it freely and without a bunch of baggage.
And if breastfeeding is sacred for you? Good. You have the right. It's actually okay to feel hurt at the thought of being separated from your baby prematurely because your husband is presumably a.) unable to help with childcare, which was discussed at length in a previous post and b.) seemingly won't take the reins here and help ease this situation along.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 8:16 PM on April 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
Your mother in law can't come and help with the baby and due to your husband's depression/health issues he can't/won't. Can your MIL take your husband? No, I'm not being facetious, I actually mean it.
If your past posts still stand and your husband is depressed, spending money you don't have on his hobbies while you two argue over money and life maintenance, wouldn't it give you at least a break to not be dealing with that for a while? Maybe he could stay with her for a month and give you all a breather. I mean, yes, you'll still have to find help for the baby but maybe a change of scenery would help your husband, you and your finances a rest. If no one can help with the baby, maybe they can help with him.
My concern at the moment isn't for your husband, he seems to have a setup that works for him which involves you working yourself into the ground to keep everyone afloat. My concern is for you and the baby when you can no longer maintain it and finally break. Right now your child only has one functional person. You need to stay functional. If that involves a holiday from the stress of your relationship, take it. And yes, I realise this isn't the answer you were expecting. As others have hinted at, I don't think the baby is an issue that can be solved with your MIL, but it doesn't mean she can't help in other ways.
posted by Jubey at 9:33 PM on April 24, 2017 [23 favorites]
If your past posts still stand and your husband is depressed, spending money you don't have on his hobbies while you two argue over money and life maintenance, wouldn't it give you at least a break to not be dealing with that for a while? Maybe he could stay with her for a month and give you all a breather. I mean, yes, you'll still have to find help for the baby but maybe a change of scenery would help your husband, you and your finances a rest. If no one can help with the baby, maybe they can help with him.
My concern at the moment isn't for your husband, he seems to have a setup that works for him which involves you working yourself into the ground to keep everyone afloat. My concern is for you and the baby when you can no longer maintain it and finally break. Right now your child only has one functional person. You need to stay functional. If that involves a holiday from the stress of your relationship, take it. And yes, I realise this isn't the answer you were expecting. As others have hinted at, I don't think the baby is an issue that can be solved with your MIL, but it doesn't mean she can't help in other ways.
posted by Jubey at 9:33 PM on April 24, 2017 [23 favorites]
Offering to care for someone's infant, full-time, for a full month is offering a huge amount of help. So much help that most people would be reluctant to come out and ask an older parent for it. That a senior only feels capable of doing this in her own home, not away from her entire life, is not a judgment I would have the nerve to question. If, unfortunately, MIL's limits mean that her offer isn't useful to OP, then that's unfortunate for OP, but it also does not turn MIL's generosity into some kind of gross injustice.
OP, rereading your post, it strikes me that you have actually already enjoyed a great deal of family generosity--indefinite free childcare from your own mother whose health seems to be giving out, and now this offer. You would be far better served by trying to be grateful for that, which is both more than many people get and more than you're entitled to in American culture, than by focusing on the perceived limits of this generosity. I know you're very very stressed right now, but you sound at the moment like you're resenting the fact that people don't spend all their money and time solving your problems (you resent someone for not paying for a hotel room for a month for the privilege of looking after your child? You must know in your heart that's not right). That's actually not ever going to change.
posted by praemunire at 9:45 PM on April 24, 2017 [12 favorites]
OP, rereading your post, it strikes me that you have actually already enjoyed a great deal of family generosity--indefinite free childcare from your own mother whose health seems to be giving out, and now this offer. You would be far better served by trying to be grateful for that, which is both more than many people get and more than you're entitled to in American culture, than by focusing on the perceived limits of this generosity. I know you're very very stressed right now, but you sound at the moment like you're resenting the fact that people don't spend all their money and time solving your problems (you resent someone for not paying for a hotel room for a month for the privilege of looking after your child? You must know in your heart that's not right). That's actually not ever going to change.
posted by praemunire at 9:45 PM on April 24, 2017 [12 favorites]
I have a family that went above and beyond. Family of four me 5, my brother 3, both of us required at home medical care for asthma, and I had frequent hospitalizations. My brother ended up in icu once, and my mother became disabled all in the same year.
My moms parents literally sold their house and moved near my mom.
My dad was not a good caretaker period, and my mom and grandparents cobbled together what they could.
But this dramatically changed relationship dynamics between my mom and her parents. Her struggles to maintain and independent adulthood coupled with the stress of managing a husband that was disapproved of in that southern way. It created privacy violations regarding bills, mail. Intrusiveness about finances, and lots of judgement about my dad. It was insane. And it was permanent . It didn't fix anything.
You have someone who creates toxic feelings in you, but your still seeking child care from them. And this doesn't account for your husbands feelings at all. Don't. There is another way.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:53 AM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
My moms parents literally sold their house and moved near my mom.
My dad was not a good caretaker period, and my mom and grandparents cobbled together what they could.
But this dramatically changed relationship dynamics between my mom and her parents. Her struggles to maintain and independent adulthood coupled with the stress of managing a husband that was disapproved of in that southern way. It created privacy violations regarding bills, mail. Intrusiveness about finances, and lots of judgement about my dad. It was insane. And it was permanent . It didn't fix anything.
You have someone who creates toxic feelings in you, but your still seeking child care from them. And this doesn't account for your husbands feelings at all. Don't. There is another way.
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:53 AM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
Ask for what you want. Do it for yourself and your baby. You will gain clarity from the answer you get. You're probably going to have to go with a back-up plan.
You have worked as hard as a person can work to care for your kid and support yourself and your husband both before your baby was born and now. It never cases to amaze me, how people will lecture working mothers about how much work it it is to babysit. Really? Yes, we know. Thanks for sharing.
You're not the privileged one in this situation.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:10 AM on April 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
You have worked as hard as a person can work to care for your kid and support yourself and your husband both before your baby was born and now. It never cases to amaze me, how people will lecture working mothers about how much work it it is to babysit. Really? Yes, we know. Thanks for sharing.
You're not the privileged one in this situation.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 5:10 AM on April 25, 2017 [3 favorites]
Is your MIL still in contact with your husband's other children? If not, she may feel reluctant to get attached to this new baby since your husband has a track record of being a not particularly present father. That's not "fair," per se, but it is understandable. I get that offering to take the baby away from you for a month isn't much of an offer when that's not what you want, but she still did make the offer even in light of the fact that she may not be seeing much of this child as they grow older.
I think you're trying to find a way to make this your MIL's fault instead of your husband's. It's his fault you can't afford child care and that you can't just leave the baby at home with him. It's easier to be mad at MIL because you don't live with her, but when you think about it, your husband is not willing to care for the baby so it's a big ask for her grandmother to do it.
posted by chaiminda at 6:33 AM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
I think you're trying to find a way to make this your MIL's fault instead of your husband's. It's his fault you can't afford child care and that you can't just leave the baby at home with him. It's easier to be mad at MIL because you don't live with her, but when you think about it, your husband is not willing to care for the baby so it's a big ask for her grandmother to do it.
posted by chaiminda at 6:33 AM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: People are making some assumptions here. I don't want to threadsit but in the interest of getting applicable answers from anyone that still wants to comment, no my husband isn't unavailable due to depression. It is more like a Traumatic Brain Injury. His decision-making is impaired in a way that puts the baby's safety at risk on a regular basis. Yes he is getting treatment. He is also trying to negotiate his part in things as he is able, but he has an impairment that prevents full participation in parenting safely for the time being. It is very possible that his mother sees it differently due to lack of education. Thank you very much for the variety of responses here. You helped me put all this into perspective. MeFi community is amazing.
posted by crunchy potato at 6:34 AM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by crunchy potato at 6:34 AM on April 25, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm so sorry for what you are going through, two illnesses at the same time impacting your childcare is dreadful -- and good background!
I still think that worrying about the fairness of it is not productive now or in the future. But I do think that given the unusual circumstances, it is worth talking to your MIL again about it and asking for:
1) Her help closer to your home or
2) Her financial help in hiring you a caregiver for X weeks (which probably works out the same or less than a hotel)
I would do this as gently as possible like "I am so stressed and worried and I know it's a big ask, but this is a really unusual time and I was wondering if..."
After that I think your short-term choices are:
1) Safety. Having your baby with your MIL away for a month is super hard -- super super hard -- but it is safe. If you truly do not have a safe alternative then this is the best one, and I'm sorry, and in 5 years it will be 'that really bad month.' Lots of cultures send kids to grandparents' and they are just fine in their tribe.
2) If you can cobble together a safer solution closer to home then here are some ideas for that: church daycares, church emergency help, the social worker attached to your husband's treatment centre may have suggestions, can you ask about a temporary nanny-share on your local mom's group board...another option might be, depending on the nature of your husband's injury, something like a mother's helper for part of the time (to keep costs down) so that you aren't paying for full adult support but you have someone there who can call if there's a problem. (This obviously depends on your husband's injury and how he interacts with other people. My father suffered a very serious TBI a few years ago and I know how those cognitive issues can mean not being able to trust that he will respond to a non-verbal child or supervise adequately, but in his case he would be okay as a team member.)
3) If your mum is permanently out of commission then obviously you need to find something longer-term. It might be worth investigating whether there's help for your spouse given his illness/disability that could provide financial or direct support, daycare subsidies, etc.
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I don't think your MIL is being unreasonable and I wouldn't spend my energy on her, but she also could be more helpful and I'm sorry that circumstances have led you to being pinned in a childcare corner - that is so hard. You will get through this.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:57 AM on April 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
I still think that worrying about the fairness of it is not productive now or in the future. But I do think that given the unusual circumstances, it is worth talking to your MIL again about it and asking for:
1) Her help closer to your home or
2) Her financial help in hiring you a caregiver for X weeks (which probably works out the same or less than a hotel)
I would do this as gently as possible like "I am so stressed and worried and I know it's a big ask, but this is a really unusual time and I was wondering if..."
After that I think your short-term choices are:
1) Safety. Having your baby with your MIL away for a month is super hard -- super super hard -- but it is safe. If you truly do not have a safe alternative then this is the best one, and I'm sorry, and in 5 years it will be 'that really bad month.' Lots of cultures send kids to grandparents' and they are just fine in their tribe.
2) If you can cobble together a safer solution closer to home then here are some ideas for that: church daycares, church emergency help, the social worker attached to your husband's treatment centre may have suggestions, can you ask about a temporary nanny-share on your local mom's group board...another option might be, depending on the nature of your husband's injury, something like a mother's helper for part of the time (to keep costs down) so that you aren't paying for full adult support but you have someone there who can call if there's a problem. (This obviously depends on your husband's injury and how he interacts with other people. My father suffered a very serious TBI a few years ago and I know how those cognitive issues can mean not being able to trust that he will respond to a non-verbal child or supervise adequately, but in his case he would be okay as a team member.)
3) If your mum is permanently out of commission then obviously you need to find something longer-term. It might be worth investigating whether there's help for your spouse given his illness/disability that could provide financial or direct support, daycare subsidies, etc.
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I don't think your MIL is being unreasonable and I wouldn't spend my energy on her, but she also could be more helpful and I'm sorry that circumstances have led you to being pinned in a childcare corner - that is so hard. You will get through this.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:57 AM on April 25, 2017 [7 favorites]
Sounds like MiL is offering a fuck load of help, its just not the help you want. I think you need to disregard your husband's opinion that he's the neglected sibling because IME its very common for siblings to think their parents favour the other one. I certainly don't see this as a an example of his siblings being favoured.
You live further away so the occasional childcare she offers her other children isn't practical to offer to you. Your needs are also greater than the few days she's recently spent further away from her home. What she's offering is huge, it might not be what you want and it may not be practical to accept but I think you need to acknowledge the enormity of the offer. Its not reasonable of you to expect her to spend a month in a hotel away from her home, her friends, her life because you think she offers more to her other children.
I know this is a really difficult situation for you but I see no fairness issue here at all, just a simple practical issue of your MiL being more able to offer help to her children that live nearer, certainly not a line crossing, scene requiring issue here. She's offered what help she can, take it or leave it.
Your situation sucks, no doubt about that and I'm sure you're exhausted with all you're doing. Could your spouse and mother take care of the child together? Husband does the physical stuff and your mother supervises?
posted by missmagenta at 7:30 AM on April 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
You live further away so the occasional childcare she offers her other children isn't practical to offer to you. Your needs are also greater than the few days she's recently spent further away from her home. What she's offering is huge, it might not be what you want and it may not be practical to accept but I think you need to acknowledge the enormity of the offer. Its not reasonable of you to expect her to spend a month in a hotel away from her home, her friends, her life because you think she offers more to her other children.
I know this is a really difficult situation for you but I see no fairness issue here at all, just a simple practical issue of your MiL being more able to offer help to her children that live nearer, certainly not a line crossing, scene requiring issue here. She's offered what help she can, take it or leave it.
Your situation sucks, no doubt about that and I'm sure you're exhausted with all you're doing. Could your spouse and mother take care of the child together? Husband does the physical stuff and your mother supervises?
posted by missmagenta at 7:30 AM on April 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
>It is more like a Traumatic Brain Injury
Ok but if it's ADHD, which was mentioned before, there are ways of managing it... If he's getting the same treatment as he did a while ago, and there's been no improvement, either the treatment needs to change, or there was a misdiagnosis and it's something else (like maybe anxiety, which can be hard to pick apart from ADHD)... either way sounds like there is room for changes here.
Whatever the actual issue is, sure, there's lots of moralizing about psychiatric and neurodevelopmental issues, especially from parents. Because there's a lot of pain that can come from it, it's complicated stuff, and the stories families tell about each other get hooked in deep.
It may be that your MIL will change her tune wrt to your husband if she sees some evidence of positive changes. Which hinges on him getting appropriate treatment. Education will be easier in that case, too.
Until and unless that happens, I agree that relaxing expectations around your MIL, and looking for different childcare solutions would be self-protective.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:37 AM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Ok but if it's ADHD, which was mentioned before, there are ways of managing it... If he's getting the same treatment as he did a while ago, and there's been no improvement, either the treatment needs to change, or there was a misdiagnosis and it's something else (like maybe anxiety, which can be hard to pick apart from ADHD)... either way sounds like there is room for changes here.
Whatever the actual issue is, sure, there's lots of moralizing about psychiatric and neurodevelopmental issues, especially from parents. Because there's a lot of pain that can come from it, it's complicated stuff, and the stories families tell about each other get hooked in deep.
It may be that your MIL will change her tune wrt to your husband if she sees some evidence of positive changes. Which hinges on him getting appropriate treatment. Education will be easier in that case, too.
Until and unless that happens, I agree that relaxing expectations around your MIL, and looking for different childcare solutions would be self-protective.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:37 AM on April 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
Firstly, I'm sorry for your current situation. Using my gift of understatement, it sounds stressful.
However I have to question the underlying assumption that parents owe "fairness" to adult children. Most attempts at fairness with developing children will be aimed towards helping / promoting development of the child. Yes, adults still grow and develop, but it *should* be primarily self directed. Additionally, it sounds like your husband isn't seeking the help he should and/or might not be putting in the work that he should be. Through how much of his relationship with your MIL has this been a theme? Perhaps your MIL views any/most effort of aid towards your son (and yes, also to his family) to be viewed as throwing good effort after bad?
On preview from your latest update; I hear you say that it's like a traumatic brain injury, but not that it is a traumatic brain injury. This might just be you trying to remain unspecific, but what has your MIL heard, and what do you think that she likely believes given her history with her son?
Disregarding aid/effort your MIL previously may have given towards remediating problems, what's the relationship/closeness between your husband and his mother like compared to that of his other siblings? The full scope of the relationship will/should weight "fairness" in the relationship with adult children.
I'm sorry that you consider your MIL's offer of help to be a non-offer, but as others have mentioned, offering solo child care for an infant for a month is a *huge* offer. Giant; ginormous.
Lastly, comparing giving periodic amounts of childcare to nearby relatives while still living in one's own house is completely different to a request for 1) caring 8+ hours for a still breast fed infant, 2) in a location far enough away that one can't remain at home, and 3) while providing costs for lodings 4) for a month, 5) possibly longer depending upon your mother's recovery. Providing a free full-time infant childcare is not comparable to taking a week's vacation. This isn't just comparing apples to oranges, this is comparing perfectly ripe honeycrisp apples to orange painted spheres of concrete.
I really think that you're expecting too much from your MIL / seeing too little from her point of view. I also think that those expectations might also be seen by your MIL and further disclouring your relationships. As / if your mother is able to re-take over child care, I really hope that you view / see it for the awesome, and extreme gift that it is.
posted by nobeagle at 9:39 AM on April 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
However I have to question the underlying assumption that parents owe "fairness" to adult children. Most attempts at fairness with developing children will be aimed towards helping / promoting development of the child. Yes, adults still grow and develop, but it *should* be primarily self directed. Additionally, it sounds like your husband isn't seeking the help he should and/or might not be putting in the work that he should be. Through how much of his relationship with your MIL has this been a theme? Perhaps your MIL views any/most effort of aid towards your son (and yes, also to his family) to be viewed as throwing good effort after bad?
On preview from your latest update; I hear you say that it's like a traumatic brain injury, but not that it is a traumatic brain injury. This might just be you trying to remain unspecific, but what has your MIL heard, and what do you think that she likely believes given her history with her son?
Disregarding aid/effort your MIL previously may have given towards remediating problems, what's the relationship/closeness between your husband and his mother like compared to that of his other siblings? The full scope of the relationship will/should weight "fairness" in the relationship with adult children.
I'm sorry that you consider your MIL's offer of help to be a non-offer, but as others have mentioned, offering solo child care for an infant for a month is a *huge* offer. Giant; ginormous.
Lastly, comparing giving periodic amounts of childcare to nearby relatives while still living in one's own house is completely different to a request for 1) caring 8+ hours for a still breast fed infant, 2) in a location far enough away that one can't remain at home, and 3) while providing costs for lodings 4) for a month, 5) possibly longer depending upon your mother's recovery. Providing a free full-time infant childcare is not comparable to taking a week's vacation. This isn't just comparing apples to oranges, this is comparing perfectly ripe honeycrisp apples to orange painted spheres of concrete.
I really think that you're expecting too much from your MIL / seeing too little from her point of view. I also think that those expectations might also be seen by your MIL and further disclouring your relationships. As / if your mother is able to re-take over child care, I really hope that you view / see it for the awesome, and extreme gift that it is.
posted by nobeagle at 9:39 AM on April 25, 2017 [5 favorites]
You're not out of line to want your MIL to come out and stay for a month to help you out. That doesn't make you a bad or selfish person -- that's a fine and normal thing to want. But it's also fine for her to not want to provide that for you, and for her to choose not to offer it solely because she doesn't want to do it. I would probably be resentful as hell in your situation, to be perfectly truthful, but resentment uses up a ton of energy and doesn't change reality so if you can find any possible way to move past it I would urge you to do so, because it sounds like you don't have a lot of energy to spare.
You say your husband has something "more like" a TBI. How much more like? It sounds like he's substantially disabled by his condition at the moment -- I mean, it's affecting his ADLs, child care is an ADL. Does his care team have a timeline for his recovery? Is he getting rehab/PT/OT services, and if so, can you talk to those service providers about what your husband would need in order to be able to provide child care? If this is more likely to be a permanent condition, have you begun the process of applying for SSDI? It's not a fun process, but these kinds of situations are exactly what SSDI is for.
posted by KathrynT at 9:39 AM on April 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
You say your husband has something "more like" a TBI. How much more like? It sounds like he's substantially disabled by his condition at the moment -- I mean, it's affecting his ADLs, child care is an ADL. Does his care team have a timeline for his recovery? Is he getting rehab/PT/OT services, and if so, can you talk to those service providers about what your husband would need in order to be able to provide child care? If this is more likely to be a permanent condition, have you begun the process of applying for SSDI? It's not a fun process, but these kinds of situations are exactly what SSDI is for.
posted by KathrynT at 9:39 AM on April 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
One more thing to think about. As MIL gets older, she will probably need help. Those who live closer to her now, who are getting more help with childcare, will most likely be taking on the lion's share of that work. That won't be "fair" either.
posted by FencingGal at 12:48 PM on April 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 12:48 PM on April 25, 2017 [11 favorites]
His decision-making is impaired in a way that puts the baby's safety at risk on a regular basis. [...] he has an impairment that prevents full participation in parenting safely for the time being.
I know you are saying this in response to mefites commenting about your husband not pulling his fair share, but honestly, given this new information, this sounds like an emergency. You are saying that your baby is not safe around your husband. Your MIL has offered to house your baby in a safe location; I don't know if she is being unfair, or taking you at your word when you say that leaving your baby alone with your husband is unsafe-- not just negligent, but specifically, *not safe*. I don't know the nature of your husband's mental health issues other than that they have apparently escalated from the depression/chronic unemployment you posted about here a while ago, but if his being around your baby is a safety issue, I am so sorry, but you are going to need to prioritize your child. Never mind sending the baby out of the house; if your husband is a safety risk to your child, he cannot live with you.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:59 PM on April 25, 2017 [8 favorites]
I know you are saying this in response to mefites commenting about your husband not pulling his fair share, but honestly, given this new information, this sounds like an emergency. You are saying that your baby is not safe around your husband. Your MIL has offered to house your baby in a safe location; I don't know if she is being unfair, or taking you at your word when you say that leaving your baby alone with your husband is unsafe-- not just negligent, but specifically, *not safe*. I don't know the nature of your husband's mental health issues other than that they have apparently escalated from the depression/chronic unemployment you posted about here a while ago, but if his being around your baby is a safety issue, I am so sorry, but you are going to need to prioritize your child. Never mind sending the baby out of the house; if your husband is a safety risk to your child, he cannot live with you.
posted by moonlight on vermont at 4:59 PM on April 25, 2017 [8 favorites]
But I do think that given the unusual circumstances, it is worth talking to your MIL again about it and asking for:
1) Her help closer to your home or
2) Her financial help in hiring you a caregiver for X weeks (which probably works out the same or less than a hotel)
I think 2) is really worth considering. A lot of times, pride keeps people from asking for financial help. But it may actually be easier for her to help your family financially-- especially if it's a certain amount for a certain goal, and not continual asking for some here and there, which can become a burden-- than to interrupt her life for a month.
Life isn't being fair to you right now, and there seems to be only one person who can help you out. But it's not very fair to her either, being the only one. It can suck being a parent who tries to help, because it always seems like everyone feels the help is not enough, or not evenly enough distributed, or whatever. What would your relationship be like if she had no ability to provide childcare for whatever reason, and no money either, and you were just two people?
posted by BibiRose at 9:08 AM on April 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
1) Her help closer to your home or
2) Her financial help in hiring you a caregiver for X weeks (which probably works out the same or less than a hotel)
I think 2) is really worth considering. A lot of times, pride keeps people from asking for financial help. But it may actually be easier for her to help your family financially-- especially if it's a certain amount for a certain goal, and not continual asking for some here and there, which can become a burden-- than to interrupt her life for a month.
Life isn't being fair to you right now, and there seems to be only one person who can help you out. But it's not very fair to her either, being the only one. It can suck being a parent who tries to help, because it always seems like everyone feels the help is not enough, or not evenly enough distributed, or whatever. What would your relationship be like if she had no ability to provide childcare for whatever reason, and no money either, and you were just two people?
posted by BibiRose at 9:08 AM on April 26, 2017 [3 favorites]
I've come back to this thread and I admit I didn't read your initial post through as carefully as some other people did, the first time. OP, have you thought about just asking your MIL for money for daycare, rather than for the (not-really-realistic) scenario of her renting a house near you to do the babycare herself? It would be a lot easier for most people to say "yes" to a specific request like "I can get baby enrolled in Little Starz starting May 15, and it would cost $1200, of which I can pay $400, would you be willing to gift us the $800?"
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:03 AM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:03 AM on April 27, 2017 [1 favorite]
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This thread is closed to new comments.
Access to grand kids is a privilege, not a right, and treating both parents with respect if not sincere affection is the price of admission, in my book.
So, to answer your general question, I think a line has been crossed when disrespect and disdain masquerade as "help".
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:33 PM on April 24, 2017 [7 favorites]