What are today's standards around casual sex?
April 12, 2017 11:41 PM Subscribe
Oftentimes casual sex metamorphoses into something more delicate, subtle and lasting. More of the time, it doesn't. What are the current etiquette standards surrounding everyone being sure what they are doing is aboveboard and fun?
Asking more of out of curiosity than anything. So, the boning has been doing good. How does one turn things into a more serious endeavor? What are the signs that one's paramour is of a different mind? I am particularly curious about the timeline around turning a 1-and-bone into an actual relationship, if such esoteric matters can actually be quantified...
Asking more of out of curiosity than anything. So, the boning has been doing good. How does one turn things into a more serious endeavor? What are the signs that one's paramour is of a different mind? I am particularly curious about the timeline around turning a 1-and-bone into an actual relationship, if such esoteric matters can actually be quantified...
Best answer: So, the boning has been doing good. How does one turn things into a more serious endeavor?
This is advice from the hilariously out of touch, so take it for the minimal amount that it's worth. But 'more serious' sounds to me like you're thinking about the transition in what might not be the most productive way -- as if there was a smooth continuum from a one-night-stand through progressively more serious relationships to a serious commitment.
Might it work better to think of it as a somewhat more binary flip? You've got an activity buddy. Could be someone you play tennis with, could be someone you go to art museums with, but as it is, it's someone you're having non-romantic sex with. In any of those cases, you might decide you're developing feelings for the person, at which point the thing to do is to ask them out in an explicitly romantic way. The fact that you're already fucking makes that somewhat easier and less embarrassing than it would be if you were just tennis partners (that is, if you get rejected, you know it's not because you were sexually unattractive at least), but it's still proposing a fundamentally different relationship than the one you're currently engaged in.
I mean, I think the smooth, unspoken, transition is perfectly possible -- you gradually spend more time together, doing more non-sexual stuff, and at some point figure out that it's not casual sex any more. But that seems like a setup for angst and miscommunication, even if it ultimately works out in the end, unless both of you are so socially deft that you're practically psychic. (In other words, basically what FireFountain said, only longer.)
posted by LizardBreath at 5:48 AM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
This is advice from the hilariously out of touch, so take it for the minimal amount that it's worth. But 'more serious' sounds to me like you're thinking about the transition in what might not be the most productive way -- as if there was a smooth continuum from a one-night-stand through progressively more serious relationships to a serious commitment.
Might it work better to think of it as a somewhat more binary flip? You've got an activity buddy. Could be someone you play tennis with, could be someone you go to art museums with, but as it is, it's someone you're having non-romantic sex with. In any of those cases, you might decide you're developing feelings for the person, at which point the thing to do is to ask them out in an explicitly romantic way. The fact that you're already fucking makes that somewhat easier and less embarrassing than it would be if you were just tennis partners (that is, if you get rejected, you know it's not because you were sexually unattractive at least), but it's still proposing a fundamentally different relationship than the one you're currently engaged in.
I mean, I think the smooth, unspoken, transition is perfectly possible -- you gradually spend more time together, doing more non-sexual stuff, and at some point figure out that it's not casual sex any more. But that seems like a setup for angst and miscommunication, even if it ultimately works out in the end, unless both of you are so socially deft that you're practically psychic. (In other words, basically what FireFountain said, only longer.)
posted by LizardBreath at 5:48 AM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Risk is involved. Be OK with it.
posted by amtho at 6:17 AM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by amtho at 6:17 AM on April 13, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Just ask! No signs, words. "What do you think about turning this 1-and-bone into something more?"
Also, fuck buddies is an actual relationship. Just not the one you want.
posted by fritillary at 7:26 AM on April 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
Also, fuck buddies is an actual relationship. Just not the one you want.
posted by fritillary at 7:26 AM on April 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: FireFountain has it. No one is the same. You have to use your words. And even then, people hide the truth for all sorts of reasons. Give it time and never stop communicating.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:27 AM on April 13, 2017
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 7:27 AM on April 13, 2017
Best answer: Hey, I like the tag you used. Are you trying to cultivate something here? :D
Anyway, I would try something inspired by Captainawkward.com: "I like how things are going, what do you think of turning this into [x]?" And be clear about what [x] looks like. They may not want the same things as you, in which case you decide if you want to continue as is or break it off.
What are the signs that they're of a different mind? I'm just guessing here. You could drop subtle hints and see how they respond. I would try to see if they're emotionally available. e.g. not just out of a serious long-term relationship, they're ok with opening up to you emotionally/being vulnerable... but who really knows. They key is to find out if they want the same thing as you, and if they want that same thing with you. So of course the best thing is to just have an honest conversation about what you want and see how that goes.
In terms of timeline, it varies. I read a question on r/relationships where the OP said she was in a FWB relationship for two years and then they became bf-gf (and that relationship wasn't very good). So it could be a month or few, a year or two, or never, it just depends on the people. And hey - just because the sex is good, doesn't mean a serious relationship is going to work out.
posted by foxjacket at 7:57 AM on April 13, 2017
Anyway, I would try something inspired by Captainawkward.com: "I like how things are going, what do you think of turning this into [x]?" And be clear about what [x] looks like. They may not want the same things as you, in which case you decide if you want to continue as is or break it off.
What are the signs that they're of a different mind? I'm just guessing here. You could drop subtle hints and see how they respond. I would try to see if they're emotionally available. e.g. not just out of a serious long-term relationship, they're ok with opening up to you emotionally/being vulnerable... but who really knows. They key is to find out if they want the same thing as you, and if they want that same thing with you. So of course the best thing is to just have an honest conversation about what you want and see how that goes.
In terms of timeline, it varies. I read a question on r/relationships where the OP said she was in a FWB relationship for two years and then they became bf-gf (and that relationship wasn't very good). So it could be a month or few, a year or two, or never, it just depends on the people. And hey - just because the sex is good, doesn't mean a serious relationship is going to work out.
posted by foxjacket at 7:57 AM on April 13, 2017
Response by poster: Thanks, Foxjacket! Yes I am trying to cultivate something (although not here). Thanks all.
posted by benadryl at 8:21 AM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by benadryl at 8:21 AM on April 13, 2017 [1 favorite]
Here's my recommendation.
The moment you find yourself interested in something more, stop the tennis. If it's all aboveboard, you shouldn't have to explain yourself. Don't feel pressured, and don't accept whining and wheedling. Then, after a washout period, start up again, if both are interested, with a more traditional progression of fun outings, etc.
Let the preview be what it is - a movie trailer that is short and exciting with constant escalating tension. Give it a full stop, then you can see if you both want to sit for the full movie.
This also saves you from the uncomfortable conversation of "I want more" being answered with "sorry, I don't," and helps you avoid the ping-ponging of "wait, what are we doing again?"
posted by metaseeker at 10:57 AM on April 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
The moment you find yourself interested in something more, stop the tennis. If it's all aboveboard, you shouldn't have to explain yourself. Don't feel pressured, and don't accept whining and wheedling. Then, after a washout period, start up again, if both are interested, with a more traditional progression of fun outings, etc.
Let the preview be what it is - a movie trailer that is short and exciting with constant escalating tension. Give it a full stop, then you can see if you both want to sit for the full movie.
This also saves you from the uncomfortable conversation of "I want more" being answered with "sorry, I don't," and helps you avoid the ping-ponging of "wait, what are we doing again?"
posted by metaseeker at 10:57 AM on April 13, 2017 [3 favorites]
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posted by FireFountain at 12:02 AM on April 13, 2017 [10 favorites]