Help us address unpaid labor in our household

April 7, 2017 8:19 AM

What is a logical way to approach the division of labour in this household? One partner works full time, one 4-days a week. One child.

Both partners are the same age and, pro-rata, earn the same amount, have the same hours (office hours, M-F) and the same commute. There is one child (toddler). One partner (A) took a year of leave while the other partner (B) worked full-time after child arrived. Four months of this was unpaid leave. Initially, both partners worked four days a week after this year was up and the child went to daycare three days a week. Costs are split 50/50 (i.e. the partner that took unpaid leave (B) made the same financial contribution to household over the year they were not working), and chores were generally spit 50/50 prior to this whole baby business.

Now, due to one partner (A)'s employer's decision, A has to work full-time (5 days a week) and B works four days a week. Day care drop off/pick up is split 50/50. i.e. A has one working day with no day care pick up/drop off duty. The B has a day care drop off/pick up on every day they are working.

What I'm having trouble with is how to approach the day off. Approaching it as a day of child care only (i.e. all other chores are split exactly 50/50) feels ridiculous - it's not hard to throw on some laundry or do groceries while at home during the day and it's one of the advantages of not working full-time that you don't have to cram in all the life-maintenance into an all-too-short weekend. On the other hand, splitting the weekend childcare 50/50 also feels ridiculous - if one person does solo childcare for one full day (7am-7pm), surely they should get an extra respite from childcare at the weekend?

One logical way to approach this seems to me to be to go Partner A works 55% of the "paid hours" in the household, so Partner B should work 55% of the "unpaid hours" in the household. What that look like though? How would you divide childcare? Other chores?

(Note 1: I know that the reality of this is that you just work it out and lots of people do like "one person's responsible for meal planning and one person's responsible for laundry" kind of a way and you can't put this stuff into a spreadsheet like some kind of accountant. What I'm looking for is a framework for how you factor in the inequality inherent in one taking home less money because they are working FEWER hours OUTSIDE the home, and consequently MORE hours IN the home).

(Note 2: A and B agree that 3 days with parent(s)/4 days in paid daycare is best feasible set-up for this child at this time.)

posted by bimbam to Society & Culture (21 answers total)

splitting the weekend childcare 50/50 also feels ridiculous - if one person does solo childcare for one full day (7am-7pm), surely they should get an extra respite from childcare at the weekend?

Why would that be ridiculous? Why should that one day of child care affect anything else? It's basically a day of work. Is that work necessarily less enjoyable than the work being done by B? If not, then why is the work being done on that one weekday more significant than any of A's other 4 weekdays or any of B's 5 weekdays?

What I'm looking for is a framework for how you factor in the inequality inherent in one taking home less money because they are working FEWER hours OUTSIDE the home, and consequently MORE hours IN the home

Why is that an inequality that needs to be factored into anything? The money is pooled for the whole household, so that's a wash (at least in theory, without knowing more information). The fact that one works more time in the home to offset working less time outside the home doesn't sound like an inequality — that sounds like an equalizer.
posted by John Cohen at 8:44 AM on April 7, 2017 [7 favorites]

I'm honestly a little confused as to this set-up. Are A and B divorced/estranged despite seeming to live in the same household (i.e. reference to stuff like laundry)? Why aren't A and B caring for the child together on the weekends so they can see each other in addition to the child and have family time? Why was B contributing to 50% of household costs during unpaid leave (and where did that money come from) when presumably they were providing (free?) childcare the entire time?

Honestly, I think trying to nickle and dime salary as if it compensates for or doesn't compensate for caring for your child is silly in a co-parenting arrangement. What if one person gets a big raise--they don't have to take out the trash anymore? Maybe this made some sense when both people made very similar salaries and had similar work responsibilities (although I still think it's insane to somehow "charge" someone's savings for staying home to help care for an infant when you're in a co-parenting partnership), but you're now finding out that people's salaries/work responsibilities don't stay 100% stable over time and in a partnership you just have to adjust for that.

Basically there's no 100% "fair" solution, and trying to seek a situation that comes out 100% "even" for everyone is unrealistic. Better to have an open conversation about what would make everyone happy/sane/getting their needs met. Maybe A wants a little extra alone/bonding time with the child on the weekend, or maybe likes doing things as a family? Maybe B is feeling exhausted after a day for solo care, and solutions could be fitting in things like music class/baby swim lessons/etc. during that day so it's not all solo care, or maybe it's that A takes responsibility for Tuesday nights so that B can go to a painting class, or whatever the case may be. Rather than trying to make all the money and hours equal out, try to figure out what does each person in the situation need (A, B, and child), and how do you make sure everyone gets those needs met in a way where no one feels neglected or taken advantage of. If you're really at a point of trying to figure it out down to the penny, a couples counselor/family therapist might be a good idea to try and get back to ideas of partnership and family rather than balance sheets.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:45 AM on April 7, 2017 [43 favorites]

Is this your relationship or a hypothetical question because for me it doesn't fit the reality of family life with a toddler. For example, I don't know what 50/50 childcare on the weekend looks like - you don't respond to the child unless you are on the clock? And 55/45? Are you tracking the minutes?

Furthermore, hours in and out doesn't equal dollars doesn't equal "work"

If I was going to try to answer this, I would suggest that when the parent is home alone, they do figure that is a day for "family work" - child and chores mixed together with reasonable down time (for example during the child's nap) just as you get breaks and lunch and idle chat time at the office. Equivalent work for family benefit as working for a paycheck. Weekend if you are both home, you do what feels like a fair split. The one that has lots of kid time could volunteer for more chore time on the weekend if they want (although personally I would rather do toddler duty than laundry.) But if you are going to technical (is reading a story book to a toddler fun or work? what about cooking? does it matter if you like to cook?) you are in trouble. If it is a good relationship, you can ask for what you need and you will volunteer to pick up the slack when your partner needs it. I think the most important thing that needs negotiation in a real family is the ability of each parent to get some "me" time (going out or home alone or completely unavailable to family demands)
posted by metahawk at 8:46 AM on April 7, 2017 [12 favorites]

Best answer: how you factor in the inequality inherent in one taking home less money because they are working FEWER hours OUTSIDE the home, and consequently MORE hours IN the home)

Maybe not penny-for-penny but I would mostly consider this self-balancing. A day of child care has a value, the person who isn't working that day is paying it in sweat equity rather than dollars to the childcare service. I would consider that day's primary work to be the childcare, and not considered "free" time that could be double-billed to domestic tasks (like you say, this is actually unavoidable but it shouldn't be "you're not doing your part of the chores because you have an entire extra day to do chores" especially if the child really isn't old enough for lengthy self-sufficiency). That parent IS working that day, just at a different job than their primary employment, and their pay for that day is the cost variance of one more day of childcare.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:48 AM on April 7, 2017 [9 favorites]

Best answer: I find it a lot easier to forget about what work people are doing, and look at what free time they have, instead. Does partner A get 4 hours of free time on the weekend and 4 hours spread throughout the week? Then B should, too. Ignore everything else, it's just a distraction.
posted by instamatic at 8:52 AM on April 7, 2017 [40 favorites]

The way that's fair is whatever everyone agrees feels fair. That may not be the most logical, because different people find different things difficult. In our particular family, if one person is the primary parent all day, the other one is the primary parent in the evening. The one who parented all day usually makes dinner and takes a brief solo breather in the evening--maybe goes and buys groceries just to have some quiet. It's a fairly even split of overall family duties that takes into account that whoever's been primary parent all day is kind of tired of that, and still recognizes that all the adults worked hard all day. Your relationship algebra--what each person considers difficult and what makes each person feel resentful--may be different.
posted by tchemgrrl at 8:59 AM on April 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

This set up is unfair. I see no reason why one parent should have to pay equal expenses while on unpaid leave caring for a child. If you're really trying to make a fair system, the other partner should be paying for child care for at least half the hours.

If you are in a long term relationship, I suggest you try to equalize free money and free time. Try to agree on major purchases. Maybe the partner who's working more needs an extra coffee fund or dry cleaning fund at this time that is unequal. True minute/dollar equality will not be met by a literal split of time and assets. You need to figure out what feels fair to both of you. And you haven't been doing this. Feels equal is necessary and going to be a big undertaking for you guys. I am going to nth therapy. There are a lot of red flags in the post that would make me keen to leave the partnership without serious change.
posted by Kalmya at 9:40 AM on April 7, 2017 [6 favorites]

Just to really emphasize this: Childcare is a work day. It is absolutely not a "day off."* Yes, like you could ask a nanny to do a small number of chores that are child-compatible, I think you could add a bit of laundry and a shop or whatever. On the other hand, once your child is being cared for in the home, there's more mess that day compared to your house sitting clean while everyone's at work, so you could also say that just cleaning up from the day is "extra" housework that makes the whole job equal.

There's no inequity here unless you mean that your facetime hours with your child must be exactly equal which is just a bit odd.

Financially, the FT working partner should just pay the partner at a comparable rate to daycare for that day and that puts some funds back in the other partner's pocket. (I don't actually think this is a good idea for the relationship for reasons others have expressed about salaries, but if this is your deal then the working partner should pay up for the childcare.)

Tracking free hours definitely is a simpler way but even there, not everyone has the same need all the time. When our kids were small, my introvert husband needed more time off. Now that they are older and less chatty, I have more hobby-pursuit time and he is home base a lot of the time.

* I love my children to death but until about 5 years old being at the office was less work, for me. Less stress and more kisses, but much more draining.
posted by warriorqueen at 10:50 AM on April 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

I should begin with stating my belief that this is silly.
Is B working 4 days with the goal of saving money on childcare (which only works if childcare costs are close to B's salary) or is B working 4 days because A and B jointly decided that it would be good to spend more time with Toddler? If it was a joint decision, as you claim, and it just happened to work out that B has more flexibility, then relax. However, in the post, the OP (rightly) notes that being at home with a toddler is taxing. But being in the home more hours also gives B an opportunity to do a few more chores.
So, one way to do this is to calculate how much each partner makes per hour, rather than thinking in days. Let's say A makes $25/hr and B makes $30/hr on their 4 day a week schedule. Then calculate how much childcare costs per hour - let's say it is $10/hr.
If B worked a 5th day and brought in more money and Toddler was in childcare an additional day, what would that look like?

But again, this is pretty ridiculous. A should shoulder a little bit more of childcare duty on Saturday to give B a break. B doing slightly more chores on the day home with toddler should make up for the money B hypothetically isn't bringing in. Done.

I did a FPP last week on the book How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids. I'd strongly recommend it to you two.
posted by k8t at 11:10 AM on April 7, 2017

I agree that it might be useful to re-frame this as focusing on making sure each adult (A and B) get equal amounts of downtime and other needs met (in other words, how can the family schedule make sure outcomes are equal) rather than making sure each adult is contributing equal amounts.

My bias here is that my husband makes about twice as much money as I do, solely because the vagaries of our current historical moment (and the market-based system we live in) having decided that software engineers sometimes get paid an obscene amount, whereas my job gets paid well but not crazy. However, we both work full/nearly-full time and consider the money equally "ours" - and we focus more on making sure that each adult gets a roughly equal amount of downtime in a schedule that meets their needs. So my husband gets Saturday mornings "off" to go pursue personal stuff, and I get Sunday mornings "off." We tend to do stuff as a family in the evenings. We both use our family money to meet any needs we have (I work from home, he does not, so we spent money on a car "for him" but not for me--which might be unfair if we looked at it solely as what everyone was contributing, but we consider fine because everybody in the house is getting their needs and an equivalent proportion of their "wants" met.)

This works best if the adults generally like their jobs and spending time with their kid well enough that no one feels resentful. (I mean, I am not cut out to be a SAHM, but I don't find solo childcare unpleasant, just tiring.) It's also very amenable to people speaking up when they start to feel like they need something they're not getting, and being able to shift things around to help everyone stay satisfied with life without getting hung up on tit-for-tat horse-trading. I highly recommend.
posted by iminurmefi at 11:17 AM on April 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

Guess what? Marriage alone requires an input of 75% from each. There's seldom daily 'fair' in a marriage. Hopefully, over the months and years it averages out, and you respect each other's sacrifices and contributions.

Figure out , weigh, and assign who would rather do what jobs first. Parcel out the others on a rotating month by month basis. Agree on a reasonable standard of how things are done and how often. Both parties get me time and some amount of nonaccountable me money.

If you can't discuss this or agree, you need to talk to a counselor.

Maybe I'm reading into your post, but it sounds like anger there, and that needs to be addressed.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:52 AM on April 7, 2017 [9 favorites]

This sounds exhausting. I don't have a kid and I'm sure that ups the stakes immensely, but people have a strong tendency to overestimate their own contribution because they're experiencing it, and underestimate the contribution of others. For example, I'm a housewife. My husband leaves for work and the house is clean. He comes home and dinner is on the table and the house is clean. He will assume I only made dinner. He won't immediately see that I did laundry, I did dishes, I swept the floors, I took care of the pets, I went out to get groceries, I paid the bills and updated our budget, maybe I went outside and weeded or cleaned the bathroom. It's entirely possible both A and B are overvaluing their own contribution and undervaluing the other person's. And at least to me arguing over 5% is a bit much.
posted by Bistyfrass at 12:14 PM on April 7, 2017 [3 favorites]

What I'm looking for is a framework for how you factor in the inequality inherent in one taking home less money because they are working FEWER hours OUTSIDE the home, and consequently MORE hours IN the home

We just dump all the money and work in a pile and work work work until the work is done, regardless of what the work is. Staying home all day with a kid can be a hellscape. So can spending all day in an office.

I guess trust is kind of a big part of it, that even if you look up and the other person is occasionally refreshing the internet and drinking a glass of wine, you know they did all kinds of invisible things like change the cat litter and supervise a play date and cleaned up the floor of your closet and put laundry away, all while answering seventy-five tech support questions from two demanding nine-year-olds and you hope they know that about you when you're lying there reading--that your partner is not sitting there judging you like, 'nice job, jerk-o, you spent all day hanging out with grown ups and being respected and dressing like an adult and now you're lying there like you actually did something.'
posted by A Terrible Llama at 12:19 PM on April 7, 2017 [5 favorites]

Ok, I'll take a stab at it. As to daycare dropoff/pickup. A drops off all four days one week, and B picks up. Next week you switch, B drops off all four days and A picks up.

As for chores on the day off, caregiver does as much as is reasonably possible, with a set list that both agree to. Laundry, vacuum/dust, change bedding, whatever you both decide is fair, I would put as many of the weekly chores in there as possible but keeping in mind that kiddos have a way of screwing up the best of plans. All other chores are still split 50/50.

The financial split is tougher to work out. Splitting everything 50/50 does not work in this scenario, is not fair to the person working only four days outside and one unpaid day inside. And I think that's the root of your question. This needs to be a 55/45 split. Caregiver gets a break due to their unpaid labor day.
posted by raisingsand at 12:47 PM on April 7, 2017

Best answer: I would say that what you ultimately want is to add up all the work (paid, unpaid, dropoff, childcare, housework etc. etc.) and divide by two and have each do half. Whether the work is at home or at an office, paid or unpaid, it's work and it's contributing to the family.

And yes, the best way to figure out if the total work is being divided equally is to make sure both get about equal free time for hobbies and such. Make sure hobbies are not disguised housework or childcare (e.g. if one partner enjoys cooking and the other doesn't, it's not cool to say making all the meals counts as free time for one partner and work for the other).
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 1:11 PM on April 7, 2017

You shouldn't have to draw up a spreadsheet to look after everyone as a family. Just be kind and considerate to each other. If someone is exhausted and you've had an easier day, pitch in. Pool your money. Give each other free time to relax and recover. Don't screw your partner over by expecting them to pay 50% of the bills for an entire year on zero income. That's just cruel. You're supposed to be a team who love each other, not a government bureaucracy.
posted by Jubey at 1:36 PM on April 7, 2017 [12 favorites]

I think that when division of labor issues get this technical and nitpicky in a marriage, there's precious little "logical" about it and a whole lot of emotional stuff going on in the background. This kind of incredibly controlled planning is trying to put the band-aid on the wrong thing.

It is very, very hard to be a two-working-parent family with a toddler. Nobody ever gets enough downtime or rest.

The suggestions about making sure there are equal amounts of downtime are the best suggestions so far.

My next suggestions. Each of you should

* hold yourself to the standard of putting in 110% when it's not your downtime
* work arduously to rid yourself of anything like a chip on your shoulder about your spouse's contribution
* develop a serious daily practice of appreciation and fondness toward each other

You are a team. Keep that front and center in your mind and you'll make it through. Both of you.

If one of you absolutely will not be accountable in this way, there are bigger fish to fry in your marriage. Get to counseling, stat. This is not a joke.

Good luck.
posted by Sublimity at 2:30 PM on April 7, 2017 [6 favorites]

Costs are split 50/50 (i.e. the partner that took unpaid leave (B) made the same financial contribution to household over the year they were not working)

Wait a minute, hold the phone. I missed this the first time.

Partner B did almost all the daytime childcare for the first year and yet had to pay half the running costs of the home??? While unpaid for four months of providing this free childcare in service of the family, possibly healing from birth?

I have to admit I read this as a radical feminist possibly same-sex relationship experimenting in equity but this part makes me think something else is going on.

But if both partners are actually committed to this experiment, I think partner A owes at least half the costs of first-year childcare for four days a week to Partner B.* Partner A and B seem to be treating childcare as a responsibility when it involves things like pickup, but not when it involves one partner actually providing care.

When my husband and I did premarital counseling our counsellor said one thing to learn about partnership is that it is not 50-50 but 100-100. Parenting is, as stated above, more like 110-110. My question is, is dividing things equally working for your relationship and you just want to tweak this one situation or is this arrangement really just about shutting down conversation and partnership around resources (time, money) because no one "can" complain if it's equal?** I think which it is will predict whether any answer here will help you or whether you'll be in court arguing custody in a few years.

* my husband and I had a situation where my staying home would have briefly saved us money sort of on a post-retirement-savings cash-flow basis. But we never ran the cost of childcare against just one salary, because if there's no care for the child, no paid work can happen, and having us both on the salary grid etc. had career benefits. We look at childcare overall actually under the death clause "if my partner were dead, I would have to do everything." Each parent is 100% responsible, but having two of us means we can give each other help and support. We also actually have combined finances.

** if this is the case and it's you, my strong advice is stop this right away.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:11 PM on April 7, 2017 [6 favorites]

There is no "logical" way to divide household chores and childcare of a toddler, regardless of who is working how many paid hours outside the home.

You divide chores and child-watching responsibility based on the shifting details of who has more energy, who hates each task least, who needs a break most, and who has time available away from (1) paid work elsewhere and (2) hobbies/social activities that give you the inspiration to put up with the drudgework and the constant background terror that you're going to fail your child.

You can make rough plans in advance, but these details are all subject to change with no notice, including, "yeah, I normally kind of like doing dishes - it reminds me of holidays with my family when I was a child - but I've been doing them constantly and I'm about to decide to throw them all away and we can eat on paper plates for the next two years until Kidlet no longer attempts to crawl into the refrigerator when I'm stacking plates."

There is no "fair" arrangement. There is only what works for your family, and the hope of finding the system that causes the least exhaustion and resentment in the long run. In the short run? You have a toddler. If you're not both half-exhausted most of the time, someone is shouldering too much of the work.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 5:25 PM on April 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

Since the thinking seems very black and white about the value of work being tied to a dollar figure I think you need to attach a specific dollar value to unpaid labour and make it paid to create the value. The rate for childcare provided by a parent should be the parent's regular rate, paid by both parents. I will assume you both earn $50 a hour. The parent providing the childcare on Fridays will be paid $25 per hour by each parent. To be fair, the parent that stayed home for the year should also be retroactively paid the $25/hour, or the parent that did not stay home can choose to pay the entire $50 per hour for future childcare until that agreed debt is paid off. That childcare time is JUST childcare. Any additional household chores are paid separately per hour (overtime, really) because there is not an expectation that workers do two jobs in their paid employment. All currently unpaid labour gets converted to paid employment - commuting time to pickup/drop off the child is paid time, chores are paid time, balancing the books is paid time. If you find one parent will "game" the system - such as claiming that the time they spend cleaning the toilet now doubles, or not including the full time it takes to do a task by the other parent, then the issue is deep and requires professional counselling. If a task is considered "fun" by one parent, but "work" by the other (such as visiting relatives, or cooking) it is paid as a task when performed by either parent.

Each parent gets to sleep-in one day on the weekend. Some people I know always have the same day, some rotate, but it is the same amount of time being "on" as a solo parent for each. If one parent gets an evening off for their hobbies, then the other gets a proportional evening off.

This sounds like a lot of work, but it also sounds like unpaid work is not valued due to perceptions of what work really is. Good luck.
posted by saucysault at 4:28 AM on April 8, 2017

Response by poster: Thanks everyone who answered the question! I probably should have made more clear that I was asking from an economics/Vulcan planet perspective (or, yes, possible radical feminist experiment in equity!) and not an actual practical lived reality perspective. Delighted to have received what I think is my first AskMe recommendation(s!) for therapy though. :D

Some interesting answers there. The FPP on the "How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids" book is at least partially what prompted this thought experiment. I do wonder if the answers would have had a different tone if I had introduced the issue of gender?
posted by bimbam at 8:31 AM on April 8, 2017 [1 favorite]