A friendship conundrum
April 4, 2017 9:26 PM Subscribe
I was told a close friend has the feels for my boyfriend. Looking back, her behaviour now makes a lot of sense. What should I do?
To be honest this question makes me feel like I’m back in high school, even though we’re all late twenties/early thirties.
A little back story: I moved to the UK 6 years ago, where I met my current boyfriend. Jane is a close friend that I’ve known for more than 10 years. We’ve kept in touch throughout my stay there. Now that I’m back in my home country since late 2015, with my boyfriend in tow, Jane and I picked our friendship back up in full force.
Recently another close friend of Jane and I told me that Jane is crushing hard on my bf, and has been since not long after they met. She was asking this friend what she should do and whether she should tell my boyfriend (WTF). A lot of little things make sense now. How she’s super duper friendly to bf, how she’d talk only to him when we all hang out together, how she’s dismissive or mean about our relationship when I talk to her about anything related to it, how she’d sometimes “jokingly” rub/squeeze his stomach (ugh), etc. etc.
This has certainly coloured my feelings toward her. I’m kinda mad at my other friend for creating drama by telling me. I wish I was never told this new information. It’s making me feel all jealous and possessive, things I worked hard at *not* being. It’s making me feel nasty. I mean, I understand crushes, I get them too sometimes. But I don’t ever put any weight on them, nor do I give life to them by telling someone about them, much less someone who’s friends with the crushee.
So what do I do now? Do I confront her? Do I tell boyfriend? Do we stop hanging out with her? Stifle these feelings next time I see her latching on to his arm or listen to her tell me that the vacation I’m planning for his birthday is boring? Because now every little thing she does or says, I’d be thinking about how she’s undermining my relationship.
We’re having a BBQ this weekend and Jane’s already been invited. Needless to say I am not looking forward to see her then.
To be honest this question makes me feel like I’m back in high school, even though we’re all late twenties/early thirties.
A little back story: I moved to the UK 6 years ago, where I met my current boyfriend. Jane is a close friend that I’ve known for more than 10 years. We’ve kept in touch throughout my stay there. Now that I’m back in my home country since late 2015, with my boyfriend in tow, Jane and I picked our friendship back up in full force.
Recently another close friend of Jane and I told me that Jane is crushing hard on my bf, and has been since not long after they met. She was asking this friend what she should do and whether she should tell my boyfriend (WTF). A lot of little things make sense now. How she’s super duper friendly to bf, how she’d talk only to him when we all hang out together, how she’s dismissive or mean about our relationship when I talk to her about anything related to it, how she’d sometimes “jokingly” rub/squeeze his stomach (ugh), etc. etc.
This has certainly coloured my feelings toward her. I’m kinda mad at my other friend for creating drama by telling me. I wish I was never told this new information. It’s making me feel all jealous and possessive, things I worked hard at *not* being. It’s making me feel nasty. I mean, I understand crushes, I get them too sometimes. But I don’t ever put any weight on them, nor do I give life to them by telling someone about them, much less someone who’s friends with the crushee.
So what do I do now? Do I confront her? Do I tell boyfriend? Do we stop hanging out with her? Stifle these feelings next time I see her latching on to his arm or listen to her tell me that the vacation I’m planning for his birthday is boring? Because now every little thing she does or says, I’d be thinking about how she’s undermining my relationship.
We’re having a BBQ this weekend and Jane’s already been invited. Needless to say I am not looking forward to see her then.
I think you should tell your boyfriend and trust he will handle it appropriately if anything ever overtly manifests itself.
posted by AugustWest at 9:37 PM on April 4, 2017 [53 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 9:37 PM on April 4, 2017 [53 favorites]
Might as well talk to her, since the way things are now is making you so uncomfortable. Probably talk to both of them.
Talk with him first, I'm thinking, since he's the one on your team, and you may want the confidence of telling her bluntly that you and he discussed the rumor and he's not at all interested. See what she says. Right now the situation isn't working for you, so you don't have much to lose by being open.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:46 PM on April 4, 2017 [11 favorites]
Talk with him first, I'm thinking, since he's the one on your team, and you may want the confidence of telling her bluntly that you and he discussed the rumor and he's not at all interested. See what she says. Right now the situation isn't working for you, so you don't have much to lose by being open.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:46 PM on April 4, 2017 [11 favorites]
Yeah, you've got to do something about this; that's without doubt. These are the types of wounds that fester in a relationship even though neither you nor your boyfriend have done anything wrong. You'll end up questioning every interaction that he had with her and it will create a lot of tension between you and your BF.
I know that you say that she's your friend, but I wouldn't treat a friend of mine like she's treating you. But still, you owe it to your relationship to give her a chance to give you her side.
I agree that your should talk to your BF first. See what he has to say as a way for preparing yourself to speak to her.
posted by Fister Roboto at 10:05 PM on April 4, 2017 [6 favorites]
I know that you say that she's your friend, but I wouldn't treat a friend of mine like she's treating you. But still, you owe it to your relationship to give her a chance to give you her side.
I agree that your should talk to your BF first. See what he has to say as a way for preparing yourself to speak to her.
posted by Fister Roboto at 10:05 PM on April 4, 2017 [6 favorites]
Best answer: This has certainly coloured my feelings toward her. I’m kinda mad at my other friend for creating drama by telling me. I wish I was never told this new information. It’s making me feel all jealous and possessive, things I worked hard at *not* being. It’s making me feel nasty. I mean, I understand crushes, I get them too sometimes. But I don’t ever put any weight on them, nor do I give life to them by telling someone about them, much less someone who’s friends with the crushee.
It should color your feelings towards her. She's not trying to hide an inadvertent and embarrassing crush on your BF, she's trying to snag him for herself and drive you into exile from the friend group by co-opting them ahead of time. I'd talk to the BF and trust him to handle it on the direct advances end, and I'd also fade her out of group activities, ideally without telling her why. She knows why, she knows it's not cool. She's not your friend.
Don't be mad at the other friend for "creating drama". She was given the chance to choose sides and she has.
posted by fshgrl at 11:59 PM on April 4, 2017 [70 favorites]
It should color your feelings towards her. She's not trying to hide an inadvertent and embarrassing crush on your BF, she's trying to snag him for herself and drive you into exile from the friend group by co-opting them ahead of time. I'd talk to the BF and trust him to handle it on the direct advances end, and I'd also fade her out of group activities, ideally without telling her why. She knows why, she knows it's not cool. She's not your friend.
Don't be mad at the other friend for "creating drama". She was given the chance to choose sides and she has.
posted by fshgrl at 11:59 PM on April 4, 2017 [70 favorites]
Well, I wouldn't be mad at your other friend for giving you a heads up. According to them, your friend may act on these feelings. If I found out after the fact that other friends had known that someone was going to confess her/his feelings for my boyfriend and didn't tell me, I'd be pretty upset with them. It's not something I would want to be blindsided by.
I would talk to the boyfriend, then the friend. I would frame it as a question, not mentioning that anyone told you anything. Let her know that the touching is inappropriate and needs to stop. Depending on how she responded, I'd react accordingly. If she continues to get touchy feely with the boyfriend after this conversation, then I would no longer invite her to events. Regardless, be on guard around her.
posted by blackzinfandel at 12:07 AM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
I would talk to the boyfriend, then the friend. I would frame it as a question, not mentioning that anyone told you anything. Let her know that the touching is inappropriate and needs to stop. Depending on how she responded, I'd react accordingly. If she continues to get touchy feely with the boyfriend after this conversation, then I would no longer invite her to events. Regardless, be on guard around her.
posted by blackzinfandel at 12:07 AM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
Tell the boyfriend, then go to the planned event (where Jane's been invited) without him.
Beyond that, make sure they don't meet again.
posted by Kwadeng at 12:23 AM on April 5, 2017
Beyond that, make sure they don't meet again.
posted by Kwadeng at 12:23 AM on April 5, 2017
From her various actions, she does not sound like she is your friend any more.
posted by blueberry at 1:18 AM on April 5, 2017 [8 favorites]
posted by blueberry at 1:18 AM on April 5, 2017 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Priority 1 is discuss it in a neutral way with your boyfriend. See if her actions have made him uncomfortable. (I'd hope they would, I'm cringing at the idea of someone rubbing his tummy unless he's a very touchy guy.) It will also give you an idea of your boyfriend's opinions and feelings. There's a good chance he IS uncomfortable and he doesn't know how to make it stop without coming across as very rude to someone he thinks is your friend.
I'm sorta conflicted about talking with her, though I totally agree that she's not at all acting as a friend. This is awful.
But I don't know what you'd get out of talking to her. You're already comfortable with the way she's acting toward your boyfriend. I think that stuff in and of itself crosses a line.
If you do, bring up what you heard, bring up that the way she's acted has made you uncomfortable and see what happens.
(My roommate had a crush on my boyfriend - now husband - and was VERY touchy with him. She would just HUG him out of nowhere, and he's not a hugger. She would then give me a half-hearted side-hug. She constantly denied the crush on him, but it was obvious. It made him - and me - very uncomfortable. We avoided her when we could and joked about it after the fact when we couldn't.)
posted by Crystalinne at 1:34 AM on April 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm sorta conflicted about talking with her, though I totally agree that she's not at all acting as a friend. This is awful.
But I don't know what you'd get out of talking to her. You're already comfortable with the way she's acting toward your boyfriend. I think that stuff in and of itself crosses a line.
If you do, bring up what you heard, bring up that the way she's acted has made you uncomfortable and see what happens.
(My roommate had a crush on my boyfriend - now husband - and was VERY touchy with him. She would just HUG him out of nowhere, and he's not a hugger. She would then give me a half-hearted side-hug. She constantly denied the crush on him, but it was obvious. It made him - and me - very uncomfortable. We avoided her when we could and joked about it after the fact when we couldn't.)
posted by Crystalinne at 1:34 AM on April 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
Don't try to force everyone to act as though these feelings are totally within people's control. Behavior is, to a point, but it's really difficult to always behave perfectly or altruistically. Besides, in matters of the heart, who can say what is the "right" thing to do? Your friend may be thinking that if she's a better match then she _should_ let him know... but it's impossible to say for sure who is the better match.
Anyway, deal with the actual humans here in the best way you can given the information you have. Don't vilify anyone, just remove the temptation from your friend when you can by staying away, and keeping your boyfriend away, whenever you can; tell him on a need-to-know basis, without blaming your friend for her feelings or him for his feelings -- but make it clear to him what your feelings are (you want him for yourself, you also would like to avoid conflict as much as possible); and let time pass before you try to make yourself totally forgive your friend.
It might also be appropriate to start setting your friend up on dates with guys you think she'd like -- but give her a chance to cool off from your BF a bit first.
Stay away for a while. Let your own human feelings work themselves out a bit.
posted by amtho at 1:48 AM on April 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
Anyway, deal with the actual humans here in the best way you can given the information you have. Don't vilify anyone, just remove the temptation from your friend when you can by staying away, and keeping your boyfriend away, whenever you can; tell him on a need-to-know basis, without blaming your friend for her feelings or him for his feelings -- but make it clear to him what your feelings are (you want him for yourself, you also would like to avoid conflict as much as possible); and let time pass before you try to make yourself totally forgive your friend.
It might also be appropriate to start setting your friend up on dates with guys you think she'd like -- but give her a chance to cool off from your BF a bit first.
Stay away for a while. Let your own human feelings work themselves out a bit.
posted by amtho at 1:48 AM on April 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: She's mean to your face about your relationship, brazenly gropes him in front of you and is planning on telling him how she feels. The only possible reason anyone in their right mind would do this, is in the hope he says he returns her feelings and drops you like a hot potato. I mean, no one drops a bomb like that for fun, right? She has an agenda. She's no friend, she's someone whose using you to get closer to your partner.
I completely disagree with giving her a pass here because of her 'feelings' and tiptoeing around it. Lots of people have inappropriate feelings. Not everyone acts on them. If she feels this way about your boyfriend, the onus is on her to remove herself from the situation until she gets over it, not to try and break you two up. The person who told you about this has done you a huge favour. If I had to keep a friend, I know which one I would choose.
posted by Jubey at 2:32 AM on April 5, 2017 [69 favorites]
I completely disagree with giving her a pass here because of her 'feelings' and tiptoeing around it. Lots of people have inappropriate feelings. Not everyone acts on them. If she feels this way about your boyfriend, the onus is on her to remove herself from the situation until she gets over it, not to try and break you two up. The person who told you about this has done you a huge favour. If I had to keep a friend, I know which one I would choose.
posted by Jubey at 2:32 AM on April 5, 2017 [69 favorites]
I would call her and tell her the BBQ has been canceled. And then never call her again.
posted by sexyrobot at 5:56 AM on April 5, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 5:56 AM on April 5, 2017 [14 favorites]
How good a friend is Jane? What kind of a person is she normally?
If she's been a really good, warm friend to you and is normally a good person, I'd have a talk with her on the theory that sometimes good people have emotional crises and act like big jerks without really realizing how apparent it is, and then they knock it off. There is a scenario where she's going through something - panic over [being 25, turning 30, etc], family drama, whatever - and she is only semi conscious of how she's behaving - consciously thinks she's being "fun" when she flirts with your boyfriend and is being "supportive" to you when she is skeptical about your relationship, etc. He's British, I assume? It might be that the very fact that he's not from the US makes him "represent" something to her - sophistication, success, etc - that has knocked her off her feet.
There's some possibility that if she is forced to see how she's acting and how it looks to others, she'll have an "oh my god" moment, apologize and knock it off. She'll no doubt be very embarrassed and feel pretty bad if that's the case.
So would you say this behavior is in character for her or out of character? If it's way out of character, talk to her.
(When I was in my late twenties I...uh...acted sort of like this to someone who I knew was partnered - not to the extent of, like, grabbing them, but definitely inappropriate - and I genuinely wasn't in a headspace where I realized how I was acting. I was having some life stuff at the time, they were different from anyone else in my social circle, etc. When I really realized, I stopped immediately and have been really careful since then about letting anything escalate with partnered people. )
posted by Frowner at 6:12 AM on April 5, 2017 [5 favorites]
If she's been a really good, warm friend to you and is normally a good person, I'd have a talk with her on the theory that sometimes good people have emotional crises and act like big jerks without really realizing how apparent it is, and then they knock it off. There is a scenario where she's going through something - panic over [being 25, turning 30, etc], family drama, whatever - and she is only semi conscious of how she's behaving - consciously thinks she's being "fun" when she flirts with your boyfriend and is being "supportive" to you when she is skeptical about your relationship, etc. He's British, I assume? It might be that the very fact that he's not from the US makes him "represent" something to her - sophistication, success, etc - that has knocked her off her feet.
There's some possibility that if she is forced to see how she's acting and how it looks to others, she'll have an "oh my god" moment, apologize and knock it off. She'll no doubt be very embarrassed and feel pretty bad if that's the case.
So would you say this behavior is in character for her or out of character? If it's way out of character, talk to her.
(When I was in my late twenties I...uh...acted sort of like this to someone who I knew was partnered - not to the extent of, like, grabbing them, but definitely inappropriate - and I genuinely wasn't in a headspace where I realized how I was acting. I was having some life stuff at the time, they were different from anyone else in my social circle, etc. When I really realized, I stopped immediately and have been really careful since then about letting anything escalate with partnered people. )
posted by Frowner at 6:12 AM on April 5, 2017 [5 favorites]
You describe Jane as a "close friend" of over a decade. I can't imagine ending that kind of friendship without a one-on-one conversation with Jane, especially since you've given us no reason to think your BF would even consider being unfaithful.
If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with Jane and say, "Look, I've noticed* that you seem to be into BF. What's going on?" Give her a chance to explain herself to you. If she admits to being attracted to him, you can say, "I get it. But BF and I are really serious, and it's important to me that our friends respect our relationship. Do you think it would be possible for you to cool it with the touching and the bad-mouthing our relationship?" If she refuses to admit that she's attracted to him, you might say something like, "Okay. Just so you know, the touching and stuff can read like you're into him, which makes us a little uncomfortable."
After you've talked to her, give her a chance to adjust her behaviors, then reassess the situation. It's possible you will need to end the friendship, but I wouldn't do that too hastily.
*I would avoid saying anything like "[Mutual friend] says you're into my BF!" to avoid stirring up more drama.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:18 AM on April 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with Jane and say, "Look, I've noticed* that you seem to be into BF. What's going on?" Give her a chance to explain herself to you. If she admits to being attracted to him, you can say, "I get it. But BF and I are really serious, and it's important to me that our friends respect our relationship. Do you think it would be possible for you to cool it with the touching and the bad-mouthing our relationship?" If she refuses to admit that she's attracted to him, you might say something like, "Okay. Just so you know, the touching and stuff can read like you're into him, which makes us a little uncomfortable."
After you've talked to her, give her a chance to adjust her behaviors, then reassess the situation. It's possible you will need to end the friendship, but I wouldn't do that too hastily.
*I would avoid saying anything like "[Mutual friend] says you're into my BF!" to avoid stirring up more drama.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 6:18 AM on April 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
I would tell her what you heard, without naming names. "Someone in my network felt they needed to bring your interest in my partner to my attention. They claim you have a crush on him which you have discussed with other people. I would obviously be uncomfortable with that for a number of reasons. It would be very easy for me to start reading all our interactions as though this rumour were true, but I thought first I would present you with what I have heard and give you a chance to respond."
And then see what she does.
posted by frumiousb at 6:29 AM on April 5, 2017 [5 favorites]
And then see what she does.
posted by frumiousb at 6:29 AM on April 5, 2017 [5 favorites]
Story time!
I am friends with this wonderful girl I have known more than half my life, since we were 14. She has been over the years my best friend or my coolest friend or both. We hadn't lived in the same town (or state) for a decade but we had stayed really close despite transcontinental moves, etc. Then a few years after college we both almost simultaneously decided to move to the same city for different reasons, and our friendship was still super solid. Then, she got a boyfriend... who I really approved of. I was the one to give him the shovel talk, but the more I got to know him the more I wanted to be his friend. It was great for a while because I love my friend and want her to be happy and I was so glad she was with this guy who wasn't a crappy jerk like her previous boyfriends and we could all spend time together and have interests in common and everything!
Well guess what, my approval quickly morphed into a full on crush, one the intensity of which I had not felt since puberty. UGH. When I found myself thinking "when they break up, I'm gonna have such a hard time siding with her when they divvy up their friends, he is so nice", I recoiled in horror. Also I asked an anonymous question here about how to deal with these feelings and got a lot of shit for it but also everyone told me to just spend time away from them both and to never ever ever tell anyone about my crush.
I did spend a long time not seeing them at all. Luckily they were both super busy and I had my go to excuse of horrible depression etc, and a year later they were engaged. Well! Needless to say I was incredibly happy for them and horrified that my crush was persisting. I decided that avoidance was not fucking working for me so I went back to spending time with them and most importantly I got to know this guy a bit better. Guess what? Nearly right away I found out some things about him that are total deal breakers for me in terms of partners, and some other things that were just really... idk, able to diffuse my stupid feelings into generalized affection. By the time the wedding rolled around I was so happy that they were getting hitched and so glad that I was not the one getting hitched to him, eugh. And now, they have a kid and a dog and I love them too and as a unit they are maybe my favorite people and I will be the weird aunt who isn't actually related for the rest of my life and I can talk about puzzles with the guy without worrying about my crush returning. All is well! Nobody got hurt! Phew!
So anyway that story is for you to think about your friend's perspective. Throughout my dumb crush I never once hit on the guy or got touchy feely with him, but I definitely inadvertently flirted with him in my really nerdy obscure ways by accident, because I was just so psyched about him. Maybe your friend isn't in tune with how she's feeling and is acting on impulse? Maybe she isn't and knows just what she's doing, but people aren't as in control of their actions as we like to think.
You should definitely talk to your boyfriend and let him know what you would prefer him to do in response to her, and what he thinks about things as they are. I would also suggest dialing back on invitations to group stuff but maybe hanging out with her one on one instead, without your boyfriend present? It could serve to remind her how much you mean to her as a friend and how she wouldn't want to mess that up. Or you can definitely just not make any future plans with her for a little while to give yourself some space. And if your boyfriend has certain qualities that you know your friend really doesn't like in a guy, bring them up in conversation (one of my big things is that I can't stand dating picky eaters; the guy I was crushing on turns out to be the pickiest eater I have ever known, so like, don't make up lies about your boyfriend or get into unhappy bedroom stuff but if he, say, has terrible-to-her taste in something, let her know.)
This kind of thing is hard. I don't know how your relationship is with your boyfriend but it sounds like your relationship with your friend is worth some effort on both your parts. Kindness is a good guideline, I think.
posted by Mizu at 6:52 AM on April 5, 2017 [7 favorites]
I am friends with this wonderful girl I have known more than half my life, since we were 14. She has been over the years my best friend or my coolest friend or both. We hadn't lived in the same town (or state) for a decade but we had stayed really close despite transcontinental moves, etc. Then a few years after college we both almost simultaneously decided to move to the same city for different reasons, and our friendship was still super solid. Then, she got a boyfriend... who I really approved of. I was the one to give him the shovel talk, but the more I got to know him the more I wanted to be his friend. It was great for a while because I love my friend and want her to be happy and I was so glad she was with this guy who wasn't a crappy jerk like her previous boyfriends and we could all spend time together and have interests in common and everything!
Well guess what, my approval quickly morphed into a full on crush, one the intensity of which I had not felt since puberty. UGH. When I found myself thinking "when they break up, I'm gonna have such a hard time siding with her when they divvy up their friends, he is so nice", I recoiled in horror. Also I asked an anonymous question here about how to deal with these feelings and got a lot of shit for it but also everyone told me to just spend time away from them both and to never ever ever tell anyone about my crush.
I did spend a long time not seeing them at all. Luckily they were both super busy and I had my go to excuse of horrible depression etc, and a year later they were engaged. Well! Needless to say I was incredibly happy for them and horrified that my crush was persisting. I decided that avoidance was not fucking working for me so I went back to spending time with them and most importantly I got to know this guy a bit better. Guess what? Nearly right away I found out some things about him that are total deal breakers for me in terms of partners, and some other things that were just really... idk, able to diffuse my stupid feelings into generalized affection. By the time the wedding rolled around I was so happy that they were getting hitched and so glad that I was not the one getting hitched to him, eugh. And now, they have a kid and a dog and I love them too and as a unit they are maybe my favorite people and I will be the weird aunt who isn't actually related for the rest of my life and I can talk about puzzles with the guy without worrying about my crush returning. All is well! Nobody got hurt! Phew!
So anyway that story is for you to think about your friend's perspective. Throughout my dumb crush I never once hit on the guy or got touchy feely with him, but I definitely inadvertently flirted with him in my really nerdy obscure ways by accident, because I was just so psyched about him. Maybe your friend isn't in tune with how she's feeling and is acting on impulse? Maybe she isn't and knows just what she's doing, but people aren't as in control of their actions as we like to think.
You should definitely talk to your boyfriend and let him know what you would prefer him to do in response to her, and what he thinks about things as they are. I would also suggest dialing back on invitations to group stuff but maybe hanging out with her one on one instead, without your boyfriend present? It could serve to remind her how much you mean to her as a friend and how she wouldn't want to mess that up. Or you can definitely just not make any future plans with her for a little while to give yourself some space. And if your boyfriend has certain qualities that you know your friend really doesn't like in a guy, bring them up in conversation (one of my big things is that I can't stand dating picky eaters; the guy I was crushing on turns out to be the pickiest eater I have ever known, so like, don't make up lies about your boyfriend or get into unhappy bedroom stuff but if he, say, has terrible-to-her taste in something, let her know.)
This kind of thing is hard. I don't know how your relationship is with your boyfriend but it sounds like your relationship with your friend is worth some effort on both your parts. Kindness is a good guideline, I think.
posted by Mizu at 6:52 AM on April 5, 2017 [7 favorites]
I have three very close friendships with women I've known since childhood, so 20-25 years now. One of my friends is very touchy and used to flirt with my boyfriends, when we were TEENAGERS. And even then I knew it wasn't serious and it didn't really bother me, I think she felt safe being flirty with my boyfriends because I tend to date loyal dudes, and her over-the-topness is a part of her personality. It also wasn't a consistent, every time we hang out sort of thing.
Even though I really like the men my best friends are with, I cannot fathom acting like this towards them, out of respect to my friends and their relationships. I hug them when we meet up, one of them is a touchy-feely guy and he'll rub my shoulder but it's completely all good and platonic, I just can't imagine thinking of them sexually to be honest. She should be telling YOU she has a crush on your boyfriend, not him.
Does your boyfriend really seem to like Jane? How does he respond to her? If something is going on mutually you need to cut Jane out for a while and talk to boyfriend, tell him they're making you uncomfortable and let him sort himself out. If it's just Jane, you need to talk to boyfriend so that he can shut her down and hopefully she'll move on and maintain her friendship to you if she's genuine.
posted by lafemma at 7:20 AM on April 5, 2017
Even though I really like the men my best friends are with, I cannot fathom acting like this towards them, out of respect to my friends and their relationships. I hug them when we meet up, one of them is a touchy-feely guy and he'll rub my shoulder but it's completely all good and platonic, I just can't imagine thinking of them sexually to be honest. She should be telling YOU she has a crush on your boyfriend, not him.
Does your boyfriend really seem to like Jane? How does he respond to her? If something is going on mutually you need to cut Jane out for a while and talk to boyfriend, tell him they're making you uncomfortable and let him sort himself out. If it's just Jane, you need to talk to boyfriend so that he can shut her down and hopefully she'll move on and maintain her friendship to you if she's genuine.
posted by lafemma at 7:20 AM on April 5, 2017
I'm going to revise my answer. What I said above was predicated on the idea that she really is a good friend to you. But reviewing your question... you know, I just can't imagine *rubbing the stomach* of someone who was not either (1) my own baby or (2) someone I was fully intending to f*ck.
I withdraw what I said. I think you should tell your boyfriend that she's a problem and that you won't have it, tell her the bbq is cancelled (but don't really cancel it) and don't see her anymore.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:41 AM on April 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
I withdraw what I said. I think you should tell your boyfriend that she's a problem and that you won't have it, tell her the bbq is cancelled (but don't really cancel it) and don't see her anymore.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:41 AM on April 5, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I disagree that talking to her is worth your time and will solve anything. Depending on how long you've been with your boyfriend, how solid your relationship is, and how trustworthy he is, I might disagree that you should talk to him, too.
Freeze her out. She knows why. She made a choice to indulge in this crush and talk about it behind your back. She's not acting like your friend. In my humble opinion, talking to someone like this is only going to give her ammunition to use against you and teach her to cover her tracks better. It won't actually alleviate your worry; in fact, it will probably make it worse.
Is there anything she could actually say to you that would make you be like "Oh, now I totally forgive you, yes, let's hang out just as much as before if not more, especially when my boyfriend is around?" No, there's not. So talking is a waste of time. Whether she is totally innocent or not, contact with you and your boyfriend is only going to be torture for her and torture for you. It's unfortunate but it is what it is. Her crush is not going to magically go away because you talked about it with her. It might even make her demonize you and romanticize her crush more- because now she has a defined external enemy standing in her way and not just an innocent, well-meaning friend and her own conscience.
Slow fade. The only solution that makes sense. Sorry this sucks.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:18 AM on April 5, 2017 [22 favorites]
Freeze her out. She knows why. She made a choice to indulge in this crush and talk about it behind your back. She's not acting like your friend. In my humble opinion, talking to someone like this is only going to give her ammunition to use against you and teach her to cover her tracks better. It won't actually alleviate your worry; in fact, it will probably make it worse.
Is there anything she could actually say to you that would make you be like "Oh, now I totally forgive you, yes, let's hang out just as much as before if not more, especially when my boyfriend is around?" No, there's not. So talking is a waste of time. Whether she is totally innocent or not, contact with you and your boyfriend is only going to be torture for her and torture for you. It's unfortunate but it is what it is. Her crush is not going to magically go away because you talked about it with her. It might even make her demonize you and romanticize her crush more- because now she has a defined external enemy standing in her way and not just an innocent, well-meaning friend and her own conscience.
Slow fade. The only solution that makes sense. Sorry this sucks.
posted by stockpuppet at 8:18 AM on April 5, 2017 [22 favorites]
Ditto everything stockpuppet said. Everything.
Ask yourself if you will ever really trust this person again. I doubt very much that you will. You'll be watching her like a hawk whenever your bf is also present, and if it's just you girls you'll be judging every word that comes out of her mouth to see if she is genuine or not. You will likely judge everything says to be disingenuous.
So why bother putting yourself through that hassle? Why bother putting yourself through a big talk? If she was true friend, a mature person, she would have done the same as Mizu and ghosted for a while in order to take the time to sort out her own feelings.
Me personally, I wouldn't breathe a word of this to my bf. It muddies the waters between you and bf. It now puts some responsibility for emotional labor on him. It may create fights or false guilt in one or the other of you, when none of this is his creation, nor yours. You don't need your relationship with him affected while you are also dealing with relationship issues with someone else.
I too would cancel the bbq, or tell everyone it is cancelled and then invite one or two couples for a small dinner. Tell bf you just aren't feeling up to a big party this weekend. For this one, I would cancel on the friend who shared this news with you too, so that she isn't in the middle and it won't create more drama ("why did she cancel on me but then invite you?" stuff).
Keep your friend circle a little smaller for a couple of months and then invite more people in, slowly, but keep the crushing friend out. She is not your friend.
posted by vignettist at 8:33 AM on April 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
Ask yourself if you will ever really trust this person again. I doubt very much that you will. You'll be watching her like a hawk whenever your bf is also present, and if it's just you girls you'll be judging every word that comes out of her mouth to see if she is genuine or not. You will likely judge everything says to be disingenuous.
So why bother putting yourself through that hassle? Why bother putting yourself through a big talk? If she was true friend, a mature person, she would have done the same as Mizu and ghosted for a while in order to take the time to sort out her own feelings.
Me personally, I wouldn't breathe a word of this to my bf. It muddies the waters between you and bf. It now puts some responsibility for emotional labor on him. It may create fights or false guilt in one or the other of you, when none of this is his creation, nor yours. You don't need your relationship with him affected while you are also dealing with relationship issues with someone else.
I too would cancel the bbq, or tell everyone it is cancelled and then invite one or two couples for a small dinner. Tell bf you just aren't feeling up to a big party this weekend. For this one, I would cancel on the friend who shared this news with you too, so that she isn't in the middle and it won't create more drama ("why did she cancel on me but then invite you?" stuff).
Keep your friend circle a little smaller for a couple of months and then invite more people in, slowly, but keep the crushing friend out. She is not your friend.
posted by vignettist at 8:33 AM on April 5, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'd drop her immediately. I understand why you're mad at the mutual friend who told you, but by way of comparison - that person told you because he/she is your friend, and saw this mess for what it is and acted in a way that demonstrated their loyalty to you.
It's possible she doesn't realize how she's coming off, or there's other stuff going on and she's not in a great place, or any number of mitigating factors that ratchets her down from "jerk", but the presence or absences of those factors really barely matter. The important thing here is that you're uncomfortable and upset. You don't have to let friends cross lines with you in a way that makes you upset just out of politeness. Sometimes situations are too thorny/uncomfortable to resolve, and in those cases, it is OK to walk away even if they feel "unfinished."
posted by superfluousm at 9:33 AM on April 5, 2017 [5 favorites]
It's possible she doesn't realize how she's coming off, or there's other stuff going on and she's not in a great place, or any number of mitigating factors that ratchets her down from "jerk", but the presence or absences of those factors really barely matter. The important thing here is that you're uncomfortable and upset. You don't have to let friends cross lines with you in a way that makes you upset just out of politeness. Sometimes situations are too thorny/uncomfortable to resolve, and in those cases, it is OK to walk away even if they feel "unfinished."
posted by superfluousm at 9:33 AM on April 5, 2017 [5 favorites]
Yep, faze Jane out. She will know why. We all have to learn life lessons at some point, one of them is, whatever you do, dont hit on your best friend's partner.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:29 AM on April 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:29 AM on April 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
She's not embarrassed at all. She asked mutual friend whether she should tell BF. That clearly indicates she knows exactly what she wants and is trying to work out the best way of getting it.
Talk to BF, certainly. If he objects, you don't want him. Block Jane, certainly. She is working out how to split you and your BF up, and has long since stopped being your friend.
posted by tillsbury at 11:36 AM on April 5, 2017 [9 favorites]
Talk to BF, certainly. If he objects, you don't want him. Block Jane, certainly. She is working out how to split you and your BF up, and has long since stopped being your friend.
posted by tillsbury at 11:36 AM on April 5, 2017 [9 favorites]
Cancel the BBQ.
Do something awesome with your BF on that day. YES TALK TO YOUR BF!!
I agree that Jane (MAYBE*) is no longer your friend. I think it is easier to faze her out and make all the moves you want to make without this stupid group event coming up, so just cancel it. You don't need to see her again...
*We are sure that the person telling you this info is legit, right? I agree that the anecdote you have shared supports the revelation. If you are unsure or think this may be malicious gossip, then yes please talk to Jane. If this seems like the missing puzzle piece and you are at peace with fazing Jane out, do that.
Cancel the BBQ so there is not a dramatic time clock on how/when/why you deal with and process this news.
posted by jbenben at 1:51 PM on April 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
Do something awesome with your BF on that day. YES TALK TO YOUR BF!!
I agree that Jane (MAYBE*) is no longer your friend. I think it is easier to faze her out and make all the moves you want to make without this stupid group event coming up, so just cancel it. You don't need to see her again...
*We are sure that the person telling you this info is legit, right? I agree that the anecdote you have shared supports the revelation. If you are unsure or think this may be malicious gossip, then yes please talk to Jane. If this seems like the missing puzzle piece and you are at peace with fazing Jane out, do that.
Cancel the BBQ so there is not a dramatic time clock on how/when/why you deal with and process this news.
posted by jbenben at 1:51 PM on April 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
Best answer: also, don't be mad at the person who told you. You have reason to believe it's the truth, right? Only a real friend sticks her neck out like this with such unwelcome information. Others claim "neutrality," protect themselves and don't really care what happens to you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:22 PM on April 5, 2017 [18 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:22 PM on April 5, 2017 [18 favorites]
I'd also fade her out of group activities, ideally without telling her why. She knows why, she knows it's not cool.
Absolutely do not do this. I mean, yes, you've been warned about her by another friend and her past behavior does look suspicious in that light. But you shouldn't just suddenly shut out a longtime friend based purely on gossip. That is some REAL high school drama BS!
You've gotta talk it over with her. You don't say the other friend swore you to secrecy, and that's good. Tell this woman exactly what the other friend said. Yeah, you'll probably ruin their friendship for life, but tough shit. Give your friend a chance to explain her side of things, but don't be naive or a pushover. I hope you can all resolve this with the minimum amount of drama for everybody.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:05 PM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
Absolutely do not do this. I mean, yes, you've been warned about her by another friend and her past behavior does look suspicious in that light. But you shouldn't just suddenly shut out a longtime friend based purely on gossip. That is some REAL high school drama BS!
You've gotta talk it over with her. You don't say the other friend swore you to secrecy, and that's good. Tell this woman exactly what the other friend said. Yeah, you'll probably ruin their friendship for life, but tough shit. Give your friend a chance to explain her side of things, but don't be naive or a pushover. I hope you can all resolve this with the minimum amount of drama for everybody.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:05 PM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
I second stockpuppet for one reason in particular: nobody ever got over a crush by always having their crush object in the vicinity. Starving a crush can only help. Also, her general behavior is fairly skeezy. Much as people get annoyed at that guy in Love Actually with the crush on Keira Knightley, at least he wasn't making moves on her in front of his friend and debating whether or not to tell her (issue got forced on him) and he politely acknowledged it and said he wasn't going to go there. Jane isn't doing that. Ugh.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:02 PM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:02 PM on April 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
In any case, remember that your boyfriend has a say in this too. She can't just steal him away because she wants to - if he is a good guy, he is going to be faithful. If you are really unhappy after your talk with Jane, you can tell your boyfriend that you are uncomfortable about her intentions and then let him deal with her. Seriously - do not let yourself get worked up into a high school level drama over this. Trust your boyfriend and trust yourself. And if your boyfriend isn't trustworthy, then be grateful that you found out now. This will all work out in the end.
posted by metahawk at 9:36 PM on April 4, 2017 [15 favorites]