The Ethics of Dating and General Questions

April 4, 2017 11:05 AM

I've recently started dating again after a LTR. I want to be fair to other people as well as myself. Details inside

I just started dating again. I am almost 40 and online seems to be the only place to really find people at my age. I've tried (and continue) Meetups etc

There aren't many profiles that I find interesting. I went out with one girl and we both agreed that there wasn't any chemistry. I've gone out with another girl a few times. She is very sweet but so far I don't feel any spark. We have a few common interests, but so far I don't feel any spark. I also find myself running out of things to talk about.

Since I am so new to dating again I am wondering if I should call it quits with her and move on. There is another part of me that realizes that people don't fall in love on the first date and that there isn't anything wrong with going out with someone. That you don't owe each other anything.

I am still looking online as I am seeing her. We haven't slept together or even kissed. I am "concerned" that if I continue to date her that I will have to escalate to that sooner or later (knowing that there is no formula or obligation) and wonder if it is unethical or unfair to do so. Although my goal is to find a relationship, I don't find having some fun and keeping things light and having experiences as long as the other person in on the same page. I don't want to "use" her.

It is OK to date others and look online while dating her? IS this insulting? Should this be discussed?

Online dating is so strange. There is another girl that I had a great convo going and asked her out and she stopped replying. I eventually sent her another message and she replied. Sent another and no reply...she looked at my profile again and no reply. I continue to see her online as I browse. Weird

Summary: I'd like to see people and sleep with people and experience people and learn a little bit about what it is that I want but I don't want to be a shitty human or hurt someone

Thanks!!!

posted by kbbbo to Human Relations (9 answers total)

This is all VERY typical with online dating (I am a 38 year old woman, FWIW)

Re: the woman who replies intermittenly but looks at your profile- actually not that strange. She is probably chatting with/looking at other profiles and not sure whether she has a compelling enough reason to reply to you; she also may be weary in general of online dating and its tenuous connections. It can be hard to keep up with correspondence when most of the time they don't lead to much.

Re: your other questions, YES, it's fine to date other people before having "the discussion" and especially if you've never kissed. And personally, if I go out with someone several times and feel no chemistry, I usually end things. going out and feeling no chemistry is the rule, rather than the exception, for online dating, IME.
posted by bearette at 11:20 AM on April 4, 2017 [3 favorites]

There is a lot to unpack here. The quick above the fold summary: you have some slightly unusual expectations and ideas about dating that it would do you good to question. Example: You will never "have to escalate" to sleeping together. You should only kiss or sleep with someone when you want to kiss/sleep with her, and she wants to kiss/sleep with you. (It doesn't sound like you wanna do either of those things with this person, tbh, so don't.)

It is OK to date others and look online while dating her? IS this insulting? Should this be discussed?

1) if it's OK with her, and it's OK with you, then it's OK.
2) It might be, or it might not be. She might already be dating others, you know.
3) Absolutely. In fact I would say that it MUST be discussed.

Online dating is so strange. There is another girl that I had a great convo going and asked her out and she stopped replying.

Online dating isn't any stranger than offline dating. People have conversations in real life that don't lead to a relationship literally every single day. If you asked her out, and she didn't reply, she doesn't wanna go out with you. It's fine to follow up once - people do get busy/forgetful - but that's about it. Sounds like you followed up as much as you ought to. Time to drop it.

I continue to see her online as I browse. Weird

Holy shit, no, this is not even a little weird. People are allowed to continue to be online and trying to date people even after they have chosen not to date you, omg.

Summary: I'd like to see people and sleep with people and experience people and learn a little bit about what it is that I want but I don't want to be a shitty human or hurt someone

Then you need to start talking to the people you're seeing and sleeping with. Hurting someone, in some way, eventually, is inevitable, by the way. The only thing you have control over is the "shitty human" part.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:21 AM on April 4, 2017 [5 favorites]

We haven't slept together or even kissed. I am "concerned" that if I continue to date her that I will have to escalate to that sooner or later (knowing that there is no formula or obligation) and wonder if it is unethical or unfair to do so. Although my goal is to find a relationship, I don't find having some fun and keeping things light and having experiences as long as the other person in on the same page. I don't want to "use" her.

First, dating is not fair. Example No. 1: There is another girl that I had a great convo going and asked her out and she stopped replying. I eventually sent her another message and she replied. Sent another and no reply...she looked at my profile again and no reply. I continue to see her online as I browse. Weird

If people were fair they would not do that. But mating and dating is controlled by some parts of the brain that are certain that they are playing for all the marbles, regardless of current circumstances. So people don't act fair. When I was younger I thought it so wrong that women refused to reply sometimes, or flaked on dates. Now I understand that women have it hard too--and I don't hold it against them. Instead, I look out for myself and practice one-strike dating. If they flake without a request for a rain check or fail to respond to a message, I drop them. There are too many fish in the sea. If they contact me again, sure I will hang out. But no more chasing. I think they appreciate that too--no dude they don't want bugging them and if they are into me, they get a clear message about my boundaries without me having to jerkily say it out loud.

What I think you ought to do is avoid lying and breaking promises. Not only is that very bad for the other person, but it doesn't advantage you because it internally corrodes you. Currently, you are one date in. You've told no lies and you have made no promises. You do not know what she wants. Attraction may also grow on you. So give her another date. You are not leading her on you are giving her another shot to show you her best.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:22 AM on April 4, 2017 [6 favorites]

This may seem like semantics, but unless you are interested in very inappropriate prospects, you can begin your dating experience again by referring female suitors as "women" instead of "girls". Especially when you are 40 years old.
posted by strelitzia at 11:23 AM on April 4, 2017 [76 favorites]

It is OK to date others and look online while dating her?

Yes. As long as you're not a dick about it. Non-exclusivity is assumed until it's actually discussed. When it's time to have that discussion -- that's the question. Is it after a period of X weeks? After sleeping together? Some special event? There's no right answer, so just don't be a dick. Be nice and treat everyone with fairness and courtesy.

That said, online dating rules are different from real life rules, and it takes a while to figure them out -- and in your example, simply not replying is a very standard approach, and it is something you're going to have to get used to.

And if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it, and that's OK. Luckily, at your (our) age, the bad experiences get less and less. Most everyone you end up actually going on a date with is a good person. And with that, you either connect or you don't, and that's fine.

I would suggest picking up Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance, if you haven't already. It's a great resource. Even if you don't necessarily agree with everything he suggests, it helps to clarify the landscape and your own feelings.

Good luck. Keep at it.
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:35 AM on April 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

I think the main thing to follow in terms of ethical dating practices, is to be honest and kind. That is: don't lie to anyone (i.e. tell them you're interested in a long-term relationship or in being exclusive when you're not). And, if you're breaking things off with someone/deciding not to see them again, just be kind about it -- for example, "Hey, I'm not really feeling a spark, but I wish you well" = awesome, "You're ugly and I hate you" = dick move. Pretty basic manners stuff. :)

In the case of the woman you're currently seeing, I think it is fine to do any of the following options:
1. Totally cut things off, say you're not feeling a romantic chemistry and wish her well.
2. Ask about hanging out as friends, saying something along the lines of "Hey, I've been having a fun time getting to know you, but I don't feel a romantic spark -- do you have any interest in hanging out as friends?" (Just don't be offended if she says no, she might not want to do this and that's fine!)
3. Keep dating casually, but make sure you are honest that you're not interested in an exclusive relationship a) if she asks and b) before things get serious physically (if they do).

Also, if you are 40 years old, I sincerely hope you are not dating girls! Start calling women women. :)
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:42 AM on April 4, 2017 [10 favorites]

You are going to be ignored when you date online. The reason is that no one knows exactly what they want, just like you. That is, after all, why they are dating. When it happens, acknowledge the disappointment and move on. A good way to do this is to remind yourself that you are upset because of the way things turned out, which is not the way you wanted them to. That's normal. You are human, and therefore not exempt from having hopes and dreams that go unfulfilled. When it happens, after you have acknowledged the upset, remind yourself that dwelling on hurt feelings is unproductive. So make an effort to redirect that effort into another pursuit. If you are persistent, patient, and can deal with demoralization and discouragement, then the odds are very good that you will find someone and end up happier for your effort.

As for the question of ethics, just be honest and you won't have to worry about the rightness or wrongness of your actions. Here is some feedback based on how I read your question: you seem to have met someone with who you do not experience a deep connection. You are unsure what she wants out of the relationship, and you seem to have some anxiety that the relationship will become physical, which to you represents a de facto level of committment that you do not want. You also have physical needs that you want to satisfy. There is nothing wrong with this. It is also a symptom of your human-ness.

I would suggest you reach out to the woman you are seeing and tell her that, while you appreciate the time she has given you, you would like to see other people. If you are open to seeing her and even sleeping with her, then tell her you are still open to dating if she finds that acceptable. Leave out the part about honest sexual desire for the moment, and ask her what she wants. If she is open to seeing you while you play the field, then you can explain that you find her attractive and want to pursue a physical relationship, but want to do so informally. Ask her point blank if she is open to being "friends with benefits." She has physical needs, too, after all. If you are on the same page and decide to go down that path, make a point of checking in with her periodically so that you make sure that you are still on the same page. Good luck.
posted by Mr. Fig at 12:06 PM on April 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

If you're not sleeping together and it's only been a few dates/meetings there's no expectation of exclusivity, so you can keep seeing the first woman and maybe go on another date or two with someone else.

That said if there's no spark and lack of things to talk about and you've met a few times, it's probably an indication to stop seeing the first woman because when you meet someone you do like talking to and have chemistry with you'll realize there's no comparison.

Most guys I have met online try to find out if I'm dating other guys fairly early on, they just say something like "so how are you finding it on X dating platform", or "do you have any other hot dates"? And that helps each of us to suss out whether we're both going on multiple dates and casting a wide net, or whether we are going to focus on each other and see where it goes. I think those conversations are good to have early on.

In my experience (I'm an early 30's F) if I'm sleeping with someone I expect them to not be sleeping with anyone else - this is best communicated versus assumed though for good measure. If it's early dating and we're sleeping together but not "boyfriend-girlfriend" I would be hurt if they were actively seeking others out to date, but if things cooled off between us I'd understand and I'd just want to know as early as possible.
posted by lafemma at 1:23 PM on April 4, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm in a similar position -- 45 and dating after the end of a very, very, very LTR. My sense is that there's no ethical problem at all in continuing to look around while you're on a series of early dates with someone; if you're not having sex or at least making out, it's pretty clear that nothing exclusive is happening. Practically rather than ethically, though, lafemma above sounds right to me -- you don't sound interested in this woman, at which point why keep on going out with her?

(I mean, if you're enjoying doing things with her, you just don't think she's a real romantic prospect, that's something you should probably clarify explicitly .)

And it is weird continuing to see the same people on dating sites after you've been in contact and someone's decided not to take it any further. I recently saw someone on OK Cupid who'd faded on me after a couple of Tinder dates, and I agree that it's an awkward feeling. I figure the awkwardness dissipates after one gets more used to online dating.
posted by LizardBreath at 1:57 PM on April 4, 2017 [1 favorite]