Help me get my baby to sleep

January 13, 2006 10:33 AM

We have a 3 week old son. He's in good health and is pretty even tempered but sometimes he doesn't seem to sleep well. If he's in my lap, or lying on my chest, or whatever, he sleeps like, well, a baby. Same goes for my wife. Any techniques to get him to sleep by himself?

Is it the warmth? If so would a heated pad or blanket be good? He used to respond well to being swaddled but he's strong enough now to kick the blankets off, and he does. Is it the heartbeat? The movement? Does it go away or get better? During the work week it's hell on my wife. She can't sleep much during the day because he's either cranky in his crib or asleep on her, and she's awake. I try to take an hour or two in the middle of the night where I'll sit with him so she can catch some sleep, but that pretty hard on me too.

He doesn't seem to care about light or no light, music or no music, vibrating or no vibrating, the only factor seems to be human contact.

posted by RustyBrooks to health & fitness (42 comments total)

Bundle him up, tight. Babies love to be swaddled (and warm!). Plus, they have poor motor control - if his arm's free, he may wake himself by whacking himself in the head.
posted by hamfisted at 11:06 AM on January 13, 2006

Maybe he can hear your heart beating - have you tried a ticking clock near (not in) his crib? Please don't use a heating pad or blanket.
posted by iconomy at 11:09 AM on January 13, 2006

he literally will not stay swaddled. We can bundle him as tight as we like, his hands are out in 2 minutes and his legs in 10. He's quite mobile. He usually ends up on the others ide of the crib, perpendicular to where he started.
posted by RustyBrooks at 11:10 AM on January 13, 2006

I know why to not use a blanket in a crib, but why not a heating pad, say, under the sheets?
posted by RustyBrooks at 11:12 AM on January 13, 2006

Heat increases the risk of SIDS. Do not use a heating pad. Also, I would think an electrical cord in the crib would be dangerious as well.

How about getting a sling? (I am not a parent, I have no idea how comfortable, burdensome or otherwise practical and desirable these are. So I'm not advocating it, so much as putting it out there for you to consider).
posted by duck at 11:20 AM on January 13, 2006

Recently saw the movie CITY OF ANGELS...Nik Cage and Meg Ryan.

Meg, a Doctor, found a medical reason a baby couldn't sleep.

Could be a sinus problem that affects the baby in only in the horizontal position.

The human contact remedy you see working could just be that he is more vertical position while being held.
posted by SwingingJohnson1968 at 11:20 AM on January 13, 2006

PS. I'm not a doctor, I just play one on the internet.
posted by SwingingJohnson1968 at 11:21 AM on January 13, 2006

Swaddle, swaddle, swaddle. What method and what kind of blanket are you using to swaddle him? What's worked best for us is a slightly stretchy square cotton blanket about 1.5 to 2 times as long as the baby. Place the baby halfway between the sides of the blanket with head protruding completely over one edge. While holding baby's right arm down along his side, grab upper right edge of blanket and fold across baby's chest, tucking corner under baby's right side (to your left). You'll probably need to roll the baby to your right in order to get a good tuck. Then grab the upper left corner and cross it over the baby's chest while holding his left arm to his side, then tuck the corner under the baby.

Now, fan out the bottom edges so your baby's head looks like it's at the top of a triangle. Flip the bottom edge up so it is below the neck but above the armpits. Now take the right edge and fold it under, then the right edge. Don't be afraid to do all your tucks tightly.

The most important thing to keep in mind, however, is that your baby is only three weeks old and to expect him to do anything conveniently is a losing proposition. Roll with the punches, get some sleep, and know that things will get better later on.
posted by pmbuko at 11:22 AM on January 13, 2006

At three weeks, he is still adjusting to life outside the womb. It's hard but it does get better. Through the first year of his life, my son was colic and we had many sleepless nights. One thing that did work, which I did increasingly to give my wife a break, was to drive around the neighborhood with my son strapped into his baby seat. He'd eventually fall off to sleep, but then right back crying when we returned to the house. Over time, he grew out of it. Now I have trouble waking him up for school. Hang in there.
posted by terrier319 at 11:26 AM on January 13, 2006

Yup, swaddling is the key. If he's getting his arms out, you're not doing it tight enough. I had that trouble plenty of times. Don't be afraid to make it really tight, like an awesome burrito.

And there are special swaddling blankets out there that make the process pmbuko describes a bit easier.
posted by schoolgirl report at 11:28 AM on January 13, 2006

Have you thought about a cosleeper? Both you and your wife could then sleep in bed, maybe with an arm right up next to him for that human contact while all three of you snooze. By reaching in an touching him, you've got contact without the fear of rolling onto him.

My son also did not do well with swaddling and we stopped it pretty quickly. Even in the hospital, it was clear that he slept better in our arms than in the crib. The nurses accused me of spoiling him. I did it anyway. However, he did, within about 2 months, learn to sleep without human contact.

Because of a badly broken tail-bone, I could not get up and down easily for a long time. Rolling over was agony. I ended up sleeping while sitting up on the couch. (At least I was half way up and had less difficulty/pain when trying to stand.) Many nights, I slept with him in my nestled against me. We were both comfortable and could rest like that. When he got to a point where I could put him in his crib and he would sleep, I only slept with him after the 4 am feeding when getting up was too uncomfortable for me.

He's only 3 weeks. He'll learn. You will also find ways for you all to get more sleep. However, know that for the first year, your wife and you will be sleep deprived.
posted by onhazier at 11:39 AM on January 13, 2006

A swaddling blanket is the only thing that would get our daughter to sleep for a decent amount of time. We used the Miracle Blanket, it has special flaps to hold the baby's arms down. We also stuck to a bedtime routine of turning the lights down low and then putting on a classical music CD, followed by gentle rocking. The routine seemed to cue her in that it was time to sleep.

I also recommend the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child - lots of good tips in there.
posted by Ostara at 11:40 AM on January 13, 2006

swaddled baby = awesome burrito. Hee!
posted by scody at 11:40 AM on January 13, 2006

A baby's skin is really, really, really sensitive to heat. You might be able to use a pad to warm up his sleeping spot just a little, then turn it off, remove it, unplug it, etc, but you do have to be very careful about hotspots.

He may be missing the subtle breathing movements he feels when sleeping on a person - you mentioned 'vibration or no vibration,' but have you tried gentle rocking? During the day, one of those slightly springy cloth baby seats? Or maybe hold him while you sit in a rocking chair, then transfer him to a cradle with a similar motion?

I second the idea of a sling or one of those Bjorn things for convenience, closeness, etc. You might need to try more than one kind before you find one that both you and your baby like. I found that this really minimized the "baby's asleep and I'm trapped underneath!" problem.

Also, some babies just don't sleep as much as others. (Mine didn't.) Once they're on a more diurnal schedule it's much easier, but it takes a while to get there. At three weeks, everything's still really unsettled. He'll develop a more predictable rhythm, and then you can start on the next round of issues.
posted by expialidocious at 11:42 AM on January 13, 2006

We swaddle him in one large receiving blanket, sometimes two if it's not warm enough. I think I'm pretty good at it, but who knows. I place the blanket like a diamond and fold the top part down, lay his shoulders on the fold. His hands get tucked into the fold and then he gets wrapped like a burrito. Tight as I can anyhow. Since a few days after he was born he could get out, even if the nurses did it.

The cosleeping thing was sort of frowned on by our pediatrician. It sounds fine to me but he thought we might end up rolling over on his or something. I have occaisonally napped with my son in the crook of my arm, with me lying on my back. Seems to work OK.

He doesn't mind a horizontal laying, when he's on my lap he's usually flat across it. Also when I lay in bed I sometimes put him on his stomach on my chest, and he seems fine with that. He doesn't usually sleep like that but he stays quiet.
posted by RustyBrooks at 11:45 AM on January 13, 2006

Swaddling still works for our 6 week old. The key is to swaddle him tightly, and use a bigger blanket than you think you need. you should be able to tuck the bit below his fit up over his shoulder. I've also found that using a 3ft square sheet works really well. Swaddle him in that, and then swaddle again using a slightly thicker, stretchier blanket.

The swaddle should be crisp and clean-looking when finished; this shows that there's a minimum of slack for the baby to struggle out of.

There's also a good book called "How to sleep through the night" that Mrs. Radley and I are reading that may help you.
posted by boo_radley at 11:46 AM on January 13, 2006

My wife has the bjorn thing and is eager to try it but he's not quite big enough yet. That might help.
posted by RustyBrooks at 11:48 AM on January 13, 2006

I hear that this teddy bear can help. It has the soothing heartbeat/womb sounds and it straps to the edge of the crib.
posted by nadawi at 11:51 AM on January 13, 2006

I second the recommendation for Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. The method used to get babies to go to sleep is a surprisingly contentious area. Some people are ardent Ferberizers, and some are just as vociferously in favor of co-sleeping. But the two camps have softened their stances recently.
We just let our son sleep in the bed with us until he was about 6 months, and then slowly started trying to leave him in his crib. It was very difficult at first, but eventually we decided to let him cry it out for at least an hour before picking him up, and now he goes to sleep without any fuss at all 90% of the time, and stays asleep all night.
posted by designbot at 11:52 AM on January 13, 2006

We used something like the miracle blanket with our son until he was about 7 or 8 months old. He'd break out of a normal blanket, but that 'miracle blanket' (baby straightjacket, really) held him tight, clamed him down, and let him sleep.
posted by u2604ab at 12:01 PM on January 13, 2006

I found some good tips in The No-Cry Sleep Solution. We didn't follow all the rules, but it gave us good ideas and the courage to try them. 3 weeks is really young, too! It takes time for babies to figure out how the real world works (and sleeps).
posted by owen at 12:01 PM on January 13, 2006

A third vote for the Amazing Miracle Blanket. It was night and day (or I suppose day and night) for our kid. She would wiggle out of any blanket, but we started using the Miracle Blanket and she was instantly a better sleeper.
posted by AgentRocket at 12:03 PM on January 13, 2006

Your doctor probably recommended against cosleeping where the baby is in the bed with you and there is a risk of rolling onto and suffocating the baby. In a cosleeper, the baby is in what is basicly a crib with one side missing that sits right against your bed. Three sides have railings so Baby Brooks can not roll or scoot himself onto the floor. One side opens to your mattress. You can not roll into his space. You can, however, reach in. Many families use a cosleeper when Mom is nursing and wants easy access to the baby so she doesn't really have to get up to retrieve a hungry newborn.

It is just a thought.
posted by onhazier at 12:18 PM on January 13, 2006

Welcome to parenthood! Seriously, congradulations. For all the trouble involved, you won't regret it.

Please consider that you may not be swaddling him sufficiently. Try a larger blanket or a miracle blanket.

Your son may have an ear infection. Ear infections cause a throbbing pain in the middle ear when horizontal. You and your wife may be comfort enough helping him cope and sleep. Your son should be able sleep 4 hours at least, not being able to do this may be a further indication of ear infection. Your pediatrician or family doctor can spot this easily.

You may also consider that your son needs to learn to sleep alone. Most children need to learn this. It is new to them. They will fuss and cry and generally make you think they are near death, but after 15-20 minutes, most will fall asleep. Some take 30-40 minutes, but they do learn in the end.

Good job helping your wife. Keep that up too.
posted by kc0dxh at 12:42 PM on January 13, 2006

Your doctor probably recommended against cosleeping where the baby is in the bed with you and there is a risk of rolling onto and suffocating the baby.

Every parent needs to judge this risk for themselves. Doctors will general recommend against it because of their liability (my personal belief). We've brought 3 kids through toddler-hood (still working on #3), all with family bed.

The only time I lose sleep is when I'm personally ill. Otherwise, we've all slept like the baby from day 1.
posted by thanotopsis at 12:56 PM on January 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

I have a 10-week old who started sleeping through the night on her own at 6 weeks. We used a swaddler with velcro for the first month or so, with her sleeping in the bassinet in our bedroom. The swaddler really settled her, but she's a big baby (10 lbs at birth) and started kicking her way out of it after that.

I took the advice of a neighbor who'd had twins (kids #2 and #3). After feeding the baby I keep her up (instead of letting her fall asleep at the breast) -- sing to her, talk to her, and generally be actively engaged, for around 45-60 mins. That first night she slept 6 hours straight, in her own crib in her nursery, and now she's going down for about 8 hrs at night. This is a modified "Babywise" treatment, and is also similar to what the "Baby Whisperer" book recommends: a cycle of eat-play-sleep. She stacks her feedings so that she breastfeeds at around 7:30, 10:30, takes a nap, eats at 1pm, takes a nap, feeds at 4:30, 7, 10, and hits the hay for the night at 11. I have not forced a set schedule, but rather encouraged a routine and regularity. In other words, if the baby is hungry, I feed her, but this is generally when she eats and sleeps.

This has worked especially well for us. We sleep in our room, the baby sleeps in her nursery nearby in her own crib, and we have a baby monitor on during the night. It also means my days are manageable -- I can nap for a couple of hours when I need to during the day (I'm currently staying at home with her).

Several friends of mine are doing this as well (as did my sister and sister-in-law) and all the babies are fat, happy, and very content. I don't think you can really start encouraging a routine much before 6 weeks though, from anecdotal evidence from my friends.

Oh yes -- you may also need to burp your baby more often. Burp him before feeding as well as after -- he may retain more air than you think, which could be playing into his discomfort.

YMMV, as always....
posted by mdiskin at 12:57 PM on January 13, 2006

My infant had acid reflux. Have you ever had heartburn and tried to lay down?...it gets worse. As my doctor explained to me, that can happen to young infants as their bodies learn how to digest.

You said baby sleeps good when at an incline...that may be the problem to consider.

They make support that you can place in their crib or bassinet that allows them to sleep at that incline which can help them feel a little better. Or you can also place a 3 ring binder under the sheets and place baby on top.

Just a thought. Good luck!
posted by Gooney at 1:03 PM on January 13, 2006

As the father of triplets, I can tell you that swaddling does indeed work wonders. We swaddled our kids for as long as they would possibly let us, which was until they were 10 months or so. We made sure to have the nurses at the hospital train us in the 'official' way to swaddle, which was essentially what pmbuko described.

Extra burping is good too, as is a good rocking chair, and pacifiers (if you're into that).
posted by Wild_Eep at 1:12 PM on January 13, 2006

I'm of the "whatever works" school of thought when it comes to sleep. Be flexible, be patient, and do whatever it takes to get the most sleep for everyone involved without any tears (for you or the baby).

My younger daughter slept on my chest for about two months--then slept on my head for another two. By four months she was sleeping happily in her crib down the hall. I never fought her, I just went with her flow.
posted by padraigin at 1:16 PM on January 13, 2006

I'm probably not the first person to tell you this, but the first six weeks are the hardest. You've made it to the halfway point. Congratulations! This is probably only really going to be *this* exhausting for another three weeks, while your little one gets used to being outside the womb. I know that seems like a long time, but sometimes it helps to focus on a point in the future.

Is your baby in your room? The sound of the parents breathing can help to calm the baby.

Is your wife nursing? Lots of skin-to-skin contact can soothe a baby.

Does white noise help? Put a fan in the room -- but point it away from the baby, of course. My son liked the sound of the dishwasher, so sometimes I'd pull his bassinet into the kitchen.

Your baby may be going through a growth spurt, which results in cluster feeding. Your baby may want to feed more often.

My community health nurse told me not to swaddle a baby once they are a month old. Perhaps your baby is a little ahead of the game. Also, our health authority here says not to swaddle the baby's arms. Apparently, doing so can lead to SIDS and suffocation. So we always swaddled all but the arms.

Is your son very alert? Alert (smart) babies tend to need less sleep. This was/is the case with my son. They can take in more than other babies and may have more intense needs.

Can she sleep with the baby in the bed with her? I was too fearful to do this when my baby was a newborn, but when he was bigger, I was more confident about not rolling on him.

Check out http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/index.html for some advice on sleep.

If you are all wiped out, could you hire a nanny to come for a couple of hours every few days? Some people find it's really helpful to have someone look after the baby between feedings so that they can get some sleep. Do you have a relative who could come once a week? Many people hire post-partum doulas who will come and care for the baby, do some housework, and help you get sleep. They can often provide tip, too.

I have an 11-month-old, btw. It does get better.
posted by acoutu at 2:05 PM on January 13, 2006

Our now-9-week-old decided around 4 or 5 weeks that he no longer liked being swaddled as much as he had. There are still some really bad nights (usually after overstimulating dinner parties) where we resort to swaddling. But I agree that if your baby is getting loose you need to rethink your swaddling technique.

There was a discussion in the blue about slings, but I'm not locating it right now. We make great use of our Maya Wrap.

The AAP disrecommends co-sleeping. The risk factors are smoking, obesity, and drunkenness. If you're avoiding those then I recommend you consider co-sleeping.

One great benefit of cosleeping is that your baby will wake you up when he needs to pee (before he's done so) so you can carry him to the bathroom to pee, saving on diapers, saving the planet, etc. We started doing this at 6 weeks and probably could have a month earlier; we make it through most nights without needing a new diaper. But that's a whole nother topic.
posted by Aknaton at 2:10 PM on January 13, 2006

we swaddled as best we could our very active baby, and used the snugglenest in our bed for the first three months. this worked really well for us.
posted by RockyChrysler at 2:24 PM on January 13, 2006

Another vote for co-sleeping here. Put yourself in your son's shoes, er, booties. It's not only the warmth, it's your smell, and the idea that he's not alone in this new, big, scary place. We co- slept with our now 6'3" 16 yo boy for a long time, because we all enjoyed it. I know many families who have done the same. There really is nothing sweeter in this world than drifting off to sleep in your own big bed with your tiny baby nestled in next to you. No one ever rolled over on him - we seemed to develop a 6th sense about that right away. Don't be in too big a hurry to send him off to his own room - he'll be grown up and independent before you know it. At least try a sidecar arrangement or a bassinet next to your bed if you are reluctant to do the family bed thing.
posted by jvilter at 2:34 PM on January 13, 2006 [1 favorite]

i really can't support the reco of Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child enough. read it.
posted by elsar at 2:46 PM on January 13, 2006

Thanks for all the advice. I'll try to sift through it this evening when I've a baby on my lap and can't do anything else. Just a few comments:

* Might be a congestion problem. We've been cleaning him out well with saline and most of the time he seems pretty clear but that still may be bothering him.

* He's been checked out by a pediatrician as recently as 3 or 4 days ago, hopefully if he had an ear infection the dr. would notice, but still you may be right.

* He is awake and alert much of the time, eyes wide open. He is feeding a LOT, sometime only an hour between feedings (but he feeds long so this might actually be 1.5-2 hours from start of one to start of next)

* The wife says he sleeps better during the day, but she has trouble sleeping during the day.

* I'd love to sleep with him in the bed. Scares me too much I think, though. My wife could probably pull it off, she's a pretty careful sleeper. I wonder if he would like to sleep in the dog bed with the dogs... (joking. Sort of.)

* I understand what is meant by co-sleeping now. I thought you meant one of those things that goes in the bed where the baby sleeps between you. Right now he's in a playpen that converts to a bassinet and that's right next to the bed. My wife can't pick him up without sitting up, but it's pretty close. She likes to feed downstairs (on the couch, so she can listen to the radio or watch tv) so she gets up anyhow.

I know we'll get through this. My wife is really suffering though, and it's hard for me to watch that.
posted by RustyBrooks at 3:21 PM on January 13, 2006

I know it's not funny for you, but from the outside, the arc of anxiety of new parenting is funny-- first there's the worry about childbirth (homebirth? doula? epidural?), then you get the baby out and suddenly nursing is at the top of the freak-out list. Once the kid latches on successfully a couple of times, you start worrying about sleep. Sleep is HUGE and affects the whole family, so I'm not laughing hard, believe me, but at 3 weeks, that little guy is still mushy and unformed. I'm a big fan of co-sleeping because it worked for us, but we're not everyone. I hated, hated, hated, getting out of bed, getting the baby out of her crib and sitting up in the cold, dark living room to nurse. I loved rolling over and opening my nightgown and drowsing while the sweet baby nursed herself back to sleep. Same w/2nd baby w/much diff. temperament.

The fears about co-sleeping, to my mind, pertain to only the overweight or the serious drug/alcohol user-- otherwise you're not going to roll over on the baby without noticing. The co-sleeper contraption itself is fine (we hardly ever used it) to assuage those fears, but I think your experience of napping with the baby already has to convince you of the wisdom (and sheer delight) of sleeping together. It feels great, everyone sleeps better, you discover sooner if the child is sick or feverish, and anyone who questions the practice hasn't tried it. My mantra as a parent of a young baby became: Everything changes. Even if it's good, alas, it's going to change. 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years old-- it goes so fast, it's good you're not sleeping through it.
posted by eve harrington at 4:26 PM on January 13, 2006

< .ymmv>I know you said human contact seems to be the key, but I haven't seen a baby swing mentioned here yet -- that's what saved my sanity when swaddling didn't work anymore. (My daughter hated those vibrating baby seats, too.) If you know someone who has one, might be worth trying it out. < ./ymmv>

On preview: I think the swing issue in cosleeping would have more to do with how sound of a sleeper you are than anything else. I'm fat and if I'm sitting on a baby? I know it.
posted by gnomeloaf at 4:55 PM on January 13, 2006

* I'd love to sleep with him in the bed. Scares me too much I think, though.

Google for co-sleeping statistics deaths and (assuming you're swayed by such things) you may get over it. I'm not going to chalk up all the fear to intentional disinformation by the rapacious crib industry, like some of the web pages, but the numbers make it clear it's not a big deal. One statistics page. Many of them point out that SIDS is reduced by co-sleeping.
posted by Aknaton at 8:12 PM on January 13, 2006

We have a 10 week old who started sleeping through the night last week. Its a beautiful thing let me tell you. He has always been a good sleeper, but in the beginning he hated his bassinet, so we let him sleep in his bouncer on the floor of the bedroom. It seemed wierd but he loved it.

Sometimes we'd pull him into bed with us if he didn't want to sleep and we found that placing him right in the crack between our two pillows (head and chest on the pillow, butt and legs on the sheet) he would, almost immediately everytime quiet down and either sleep or lay there quietly. We would both face him (we are side sleepers anyway) and trust me, when you know the kid is in the bed with you, you sleep, but you sleep consciously. You won't roll onto him. And he is so high up that if you roll that way its just your head, you'd wake up before any weight was on him.

Anyway, we started putting him in his crib for daytime sleeping as soon as possible and he got used to the crib to the point that we started puttimg him in it at hight at about 5 weeks. He now sleeps there every night for 8 hours without a peep.

My point is, try different things, you'll find something that works. In 2 weeks when it doesn't work, you'll find something else that does. Our friends with a 14 week old have been sleeping with theirs on either Mom or Dad's chest every night since the beginning. Its the only thing that worked. But after a few nights of worrying, they got used to it and just slept on thier backs, handing him back and forth a few times a night so the other could sleep more comfortably. Now they are transitioning him to the crib.

Good luck. Oh, and that Healthy Sleep book...I took one look at it and chucked it. Who has time to read 500 pages...just give me bullet points people! (LOL)

Chad
posted by Chuck Cheeze at 10:13 PM on January 13, 2006

Another vote for cosleeping here. In 11 months, my wife states that she's had fewer than 10 "rough nights" where baby woke her up enough for her to feel tired the next day, and that was usually during times of teething. Now that he's more mobile, he often latches on to the breast without even waking her.

For daytime naps, he has always required the breast to fall asleep (except in the car), but that started to change around age 10 months and now I can gently bounce or rock him to sleep sometimes.

A realization I had a few months ago: your baby is an Expert at being a baby. Trust him to tell you what he needs. If he acts upset at being apart from you, he's just communicating honestly with you that he needs closeness. Trust him. Keep him close. Don't ignore the obvious.

I love this article by anthropologist Meredith Small about sleep.
posted by Bradley at 10:51 PM on January 13, 2006

Just another data point, but it has taken 8 months for my daughter to begin to sleep more than 3 hours in a row at night. Up until a few weeks ago, she was up about every two hours.
posted by mathowie at 9:19 PM on January 14, 2006

My mother says that you're screwed. Apparently I was the same way. She says she even had to lay in bed with me to get me a sleep while she was having labor contractions with my brother. Of the 4 of us kids I was the only one that didn't sleep in a crib... went straight from my parents bed to my own...

(god now i know why they hate me... hehe j/k)
posted by meta x zen at 10:11 AM on January 26, 2006