Weaning 2.5 Year Old Twins
March 29, 2017 2:50 AM Subscribe
My partner and I are happily the parents of 2.5 year old twins. She is still nursing them and we want to change that. Did you or someone you love nurse/nurse twins for an extended period of time? How did you gently wean them?
The kids no longer nurse during the day (unless sick) but they still nurse before bedtime and in the morning. It is getting very difficult for my partner's body - 2.5 year olds are like little wild animals when nursing - or ours are! And they also wake more often at night because they still expect milk. When weaning night nursing, I was the one who responded to them at wake up and explained what was happening. We also talked to them in advance to prepare them. They "get" things. But the pre-bed and morning routine feels more difficult. Any weaning advice would be appreciated, and any from parents of twins or parents who nursed up to or beyond 3 would be like extra super credit. In terms of cultural context, we did not cry it out, had some light modified crying out, and are willing to take a few months as long as we have a real plan.
The kids no longer nurse during the day (unless sick) but they still nurse before bedtime and in the morning. It is getting very difficult for my partner's body - 2.5 year olds are like little wild animals when nursing - or ours are! And they also wake more often at night because they still expect milk. When weaning night nursing, I was the one who responded to them at wake up and explained what was happening. We also talked to them in advance to prepare them. They "get" things. But the pre-bed and morning routine feels more difficult. Any weaning advice would be appreciated, and any from parents of twins or parents who nursed up to or beyond 3 would be like extra super credit. In terms of cultural context, we did not cry it out, had some light modified crying out, and are willing to take a few months as long as we have a real plan.
I started the weaning process around 2.5. For a few weeks, I started to make more of a conscious choice to end the nursing session before he decided he was done to get him used to that idea. Then for a few weeks we nursed to the count of 10 or 20, not enough to really get cozy and comfortable. And I really ramped up snuggles and attention during the non-nursing part of the day. We also found that a warm drink before bed helped because he was so used to that warm full tummy being an indicator of bedtime. We were done a little before 3 with minimal fuss. Once he went a few days without it, he only asked once or twice and didn't mind that the answer was no. (And like mishafletch, we had one or two requests months later, almost like "Oh, hey, you know what we haven't done in ages that was super fun?" With twins I imagine that might be extended more as one reminds the other, but at least with my kiddo he was less upset than I expected.)
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:46 AM on March 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:46 AM on March 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
At the three-year old checkup, we had the doctor tell him that he was too old. After that, it went pretty smoothly, and any requests were simply deflected with, "No, the doctor said no more." It's easier to appeal to outside authority, because they think you don't have a choice.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 5:59 AM on March 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 5:59 AM on March 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
I weaned my son at 2.5. We didn't replace nursing with anything, I just talked to him about how he was a big boy and that he didn't need to nurse anymore. That's the nice thing about weaning after they can talk, because you can explain why.
We were both sad for a month -- me probably because I missed the oxytocin, him because nothing compared to it. He would occasionally tell me, sadly, in a really quiet voice, that he wanted to nurse -- it was heartbreaking. He knew he wasn't supposed to ask but he really missed it. I would just say, "I know you do. I'm sorry you can't. Would you like to snuggle instead?" which was always a no.
I guess my point is, until you break the habit it is HARD because it's an emotional time, and you have to stay firm. I'm now remembering that when we weaned it was on our second attempt; the first time I caved and we nursed a little longer. So there might be a false start or two, don't feel bad about it. I am always amazed when people tell me that their kids weaned themselves because even with valiant effort it was still a struggle to wean mine.
You'll be happy to know that my son is now six, and completely happy, well-adjusted, and firmly attached. Your twins will totally be OK.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:01 AM on March 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
We were both sad for a month -- me probably because I missed the oxytocin, him because nothing compared to it. He would occasionally tell me, sadly, in a really quiet voice, that he wanted to nurse -- it was heartbreaking. He knew he wasn't supposed to ask but he really missed it. I would just say, "I know you do. I'm sorry you can't. Would you like to snuggle instead?" which was always a no.
I guess my point is, until you break the habit it is HARD because it's an emotional time, and you have to stay firm. I'm now remembering that when we weaned it was on our second attempt; the first time I caved and we nursed a little longer. So there might be a false start or two, don't feel bad about it. I am always amazed when people tell me that their kids weaned themselves because even with valiant effort it was still a struggle to wean mine.
You'll be happy to know that my son is now six, and completely happy, well-adjusted, and firmly attached. Your twins will totally be OK.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:01 AM on March 29, 2017 [6 favorites]
What worked for us was sending mom out of town for a week. It was my idea. She'd tried and tried and he was 3. Shoving her out of the car at the airport was the hardest part.
My little guy was chill. I cooked all his favorite foods. He couldn't ask for boob because boob was in New Orleans. It was fine and mom had a lot of fun. It was her first time away from us in 3 years!
He asked once after mom got back. She shook her head and that was it.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:34 AM on March 29, 2017 [16 favorites]
My little guy was chill. I cooked all his favorite foods. He couldn't ask for boob because boob was in New Orleans. It was fine and mom had a lot of fun. It was her first time away from us in 3 years!
He asked once after mom got back. She shook her head and that was it.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 6:34 AM on March 29, 2017 [16 favorites]
Depending on the 2.5 year old they might be old enough to feel some agency in this. This is what I did (also just night nursing at that point.) I took out a calendar and let her pick any day in that month , which had about two weeks left in it, to be the last time. Of course she didn't know what that meant really in terms of time but we marked off the days til she would be all done and a big kid. During that time I asked her what she would like to do instead to go to sleep and she picked reading four books which we did. THe night she could no longer nurse she cried all night, and I empathized and comforted her, and the next night she just got the four books, no tears -- and that was it.
posted by flourpot at 6:53 AM on March 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by flourpot at 6:53 AM on March 29, 2017 [5 favorites]
ack, Mr. Yuck's story hits me right in the feels because I still nurse my 3.5yo and am going on a work trip for a week soon and I'm not ready to wean yet
I love The Milk Meg and that is a link to her advice on gentle weaning. Communication and boundaries are both excellent ways to do it, and it sounds like it fits in with how you night-weaned as well. And are good things to use even if you aren't looking to wean completely yet. Here's a link about nursing manners that can help, too.
Here is Kellymom.com's page of links on how to wean, including talking about potential sadness and depression like is mentioned upstream. Oxytocin is a helluva drug.
I'd also like to mention that, as you've found, weaning does not necessarily mean the end to night wakings. At 3.5yo, my kiddo tends to be good from 9pm to 3am before wanting to nurse (usually just one side), and then wakes again at 5am to nurse both sides, and then we are up for the day before 7am where he really likes to snuggle and nurse both sides before we get up and dressed. The 3am and 5am nurse sessions aren't every night, though, these days.
I think thinking about your kids' personalities will help this process. I think the bedtime nursing would be easier for us to cut out than the morning time one. He likes books and snuggling with daddy and telling stories at bedtime. But the morning he really seems to want the snuggles and closeness and gets mad at his dad for talking to him too early.
Good luck and feel free to MeMail me if you need some solidarity on what life is like with a nursing toddler/preschooler.
posted by jillithd at 8:01 AM on March 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
I love The Milk Meg and that is a link to her advice on gentle weaning. Communication and boundaries are both excellent ways to do it, and it sounds like it fits in with how you night-weaned as well. And are good things to use even if you aren't looking to wean completely yet. Here's a link about nursing manners that can help, too.
Here is Kellymom.com's page of links on how to wean, including talking about potential sadness and depression like is mentioned upstream. Oxytocin is a helluva drug.
I'd also like to mention that, as you've found, weaning does not necessarily mean the end to night wakings. At 3.5yo, my kiddo tends to be good from 9pm to 3am before wanting to nurse (usually just one side), and then wakes again at 5am to nurse both sides, and then we are up for the day before 7am where he really likes to snuggle and nurse both sides before we get up and dressed. The 3am and 5am nurse sessions aren't every night, though, these days.
I think thinking about your kids' personalities will help this process. I think the bedtime nursing would be easier for us to cut out than the morning time one. He likes books and snuggling with daddy and telling stories at bedtime. But the morning he really seems to want the snuggles and closeness and gets mad at his dad for talking to him too early.
Good luck and feel free to MeMail me if you need some solidarity on what life is like with a nursing toddler/preschooler.
posted by jillithd at 8:01 AM on March 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
I really appreciate this question because my daughter will be 3 soon and I would like to wean soon. We haven’t yet, but we do have one book that I feel is helpful for starting the conversation. Sally Weans from Night Nursing by Lesli Mitchell seems to resonate with our toddler (even though she has no interest in emulating Sally). The pictures are amateurish, but the story is good, and I think it would be useful for weaning in general. It talks about how Sally feel sad and angry when Mommy says no nursing, which a couple other kids’ books about weaning don’t address. At least I hope it makes her feel like weaning is something all kids do and not just something I came up with.
I also think Mr. Yuck’s answer is very interesting –I’d like to attend an out of town conference this summer and one of my goals was to be done weaning before that. I hadn’t considered that maybe going out of town could be weaning time.
posted by Kriesa at 9:01 AM on March 29, 2017
I also think Mr. Yuck’s answer is very interesting –I’d like to attend an out of town conference this summer and one of my goals was to be done weaning before that. I hadn’t considered that maybe going out of town could be weaning time.
posted by Kriesa at 9:01 AM on March 29, 2017
My youngest weaned at 2 3/4 years. It was pretty occasional at that point and I went to Australia for 10 days. When I came back, she talked about it once or twice. Once she climbed up into my lap and mimed nursing over my blouse and said, "I used to do this, but I'm not a baby anymore," very cheerfully. And that was it.
I think it helped a lot that she did not have a regular time for nursing, it was just when she wanted cuddles.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:20 AM on March 29, 2017
I think it helped a lot that she did not have a regular time for nursing, it was just when she wanted cuddles.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:20 AM on March 29, 2017
Aw, just reading your question took me back in time...
I stopped around age 2, and found that stopping the morning nursing first was easiest. I'd give my son "morning water" in a bottle, and let that settle in for a couple of weeks at least before working on the evening. By that age we could also talk about how Mommy's body was starting to stop making "mommy milk" because he was getting so big and strong and he didn't need it anymore.
The last little bit of bedtime nursing ceased after Mr. BlahLaLa and I went away for just 2 nights, leaving Kid with Grandpa. When we got back, Kid didn't even ask for nighttime nursing. :(
But as you're already accustomed to, go slowly and gently.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:34 AM on March 29, 2017
I stopped around age 2, and found that stopping the morning nursing first was easiest. I'd give my son "morning water" in a bottle, and let that settle in for a couple of weeks at least before working on the evening. By that age we could also talk about how Mommy's body was starting to stop making "mommy milk" because he was getting so big and strong and he didn't need it anymore.
The last little bit of bedtime nursing ceased after Mr. BlahLaLa and I went away for just 2 nights, leaving Kid with Grandpa. When we got back, Kid didn't even ask for nighttime nursing. :(
But as you're already accustomed to, go slowly and gently.
posted by BlahLaLa at 10:34 AM on March 29, 2017
My two kids (not twins) each self-weaned: I was much too lazy to wean them. Kid1 at age 2 because my milk was no longer yummy during my pregnancy (so that’s one option for you, ha!). Kid2 at age 3 because she suddenly decided that she preferred reading a story with her father instead of nursing in the morning.
I’m not sure I understand why you want to wean. Of course the best reason is “because the mom wants to”! Here are few things to consider:
- Have you asked your kids if/when/how they want to wean?
- I never tolerated horsing around or any kind of playing while nursing. What happens if you tell them to settle down while nursing or no milk? (if that is what you mean by “are like little wild animals”)
- At 2.5 years, the milk supply is so well established that you can still skip a few nursing sessions. If what you really want is an evening out or a weekend without kids, then you don’t need to wean for that.
- Change your bedtime routine so that nursing is not the last thing before going to bed. This will make it easier for your kids to forget about nursing before going to bed in the evening.
posted by nectarine danish at 6:31 PM on March 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
I’m not sure I understand why you want to wean. Of course the best reason is “because the mom wants to”! Here are few things to consider:
- Have you asked your kids if/when/how they want to wean?
- I never tolerated horsing around or any kind of playing while nursing. What happens if you tell them to settle down while nursing or no milk? (if that is what you mean by “are like little wild animals”)
- At 2.5 years, the milk supply is so well established that you can still skip a few nursing sessions. If what you really want is an evening out or a weekend without kids, then you don’t need to wean for that.
- Change your bedtime routine so that nursing is not the last thing before going to bed. This will make it easier for your kids to forget about nursing before going to bed in the evening.
posted by nectarine danish at 6:31 PM on March 29, 2017 [1 favorite]
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Evening was harder, but I think that we just did it less and less frequently. I'd put it off, or offer a bedtime snack instead, and then one day I realized that they hadn't nursed in ages. Be aware that the memory sticks around longer than you'd think--one day probably six months after we'd fully weaned, my kid suddenly decided that they wanted to nurse again. It wasn't hard to talk them through it, but it still took me by surprise.
posted by mishafletch at 4:56 AM on March 29, 2017 [1 favorite]