Comments on: Jokes that involve the listener

Question: Jokes that involve the listener

Sharcho — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 06:33:45 -0800

Jokes that involve the listener and make fun of them?

e.g.:
- Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?
- No.
- Aha! So it was you! You disgusting pig!

By: googly

googly — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 06:38:31 -0800

Me: "Do you want to hear a 'knock knock' joke?"
You: "Sure"
Me: "OK. You start."
You: "Knock knock."
Me: "Who's there?"

Try it. It works. Trust me.

By: ND¢

ND¢ — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 06:40:40 -0800

-If you went camping with a friend, got really drunk and passed out, and woke up naked, covered in spit, blood, shit, and semen, and your asshole hurt like hell, would you tell anybody?

- Ugh. No.

- Want to go camping?

By: austin5000

austin5000 — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 06:54:48 -0800

-What's that movie with Smodo Naggins....or Dilbo or something?
-Are you serious! Lord of the Rings, duh.
-NERD!

By: wackybrit

wackybrit — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:02:20 -0800

You: Did you know they removed the word gullible from the dictionary this year?
Them: Really?

Quite well known now though.

By: Slack-a-gogo

Slack-a-gogo — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:10:30 -0800

Ask them if they know how to keep a moron in suspense and then walk away.

By: srah

srah — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:17:17 -0800

- Are you a moron in a cage?
- No.
- MORON ON THE LOOSE! MORON ON THE LOOSE!

I can't remember where I stole that from...

By: bibliowench

bibliowench — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:21:43 -0800

- Who's that actress who stabbed her mother? Reese . . .? Reese something?
-Witherspoon?
-No, with a knife.

By: chudmonkey

chudmonkey — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:35:42 -0800

Do you know the difference between an electric razor and a toaster?

No.

Really? You must burn your face a lot when you shave...

By: Makebusy7

Makebusy7 — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:38:25 -0800

Knock Knock
Who's there
Lettuce
Lettuce who?
Lettuce is and you'll find out!

I tried the Reese Witherspoon one on my friend and she fell for it! Good one!

By: UnclePlayground

UnclePlayground — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:41:34 -0800

I think Makebusy7 meant to say, "Lettuce IN and you'll find out!"

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:56:17 -0800

Knock knock

Who's there?

Interrupting Cow.

Interrupting co...

MOOOOOOOO!

By: Chunder

Chunder — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:59:08 -0800

@wackybrit - Nooo! I thought I'd made that one up! I got my g/f with it about 3 years ago... I didn't tell her that it was a joke for a few days.
Surprisingly enough, she still agreed to marry me. Weird.

Can't think of anything relevant for the question unfortunately - I'm sure that there's something lurking in the back of my head...

By: spicynuts

spicynuts — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 07:59:12 -0800

Love it, bondcliff.

By: Faint of Butt

Faint of Butt — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 08:00:02 -0800

-So the morons are holding a contest to choose the new King of the Morons. The way it works is, the morons put a common object behind a screen, and each candidate has to figure out what it is, and whoever gets it right is the King of the Morons. Well, the first thing they put behind the screen is... um... shoot... what do you call those beds, you know, it's like one bed on top of another bed...
-A bunkbed?
-Hooray for the King of the Morons!

Oh, and the counterattack to the "gullible isn't in the dictionary" bit is to look incredulous and say, "No, that can't be right." You then grab a dictionary, thumb through it, and look up with a surprised expression and say, "Well, what do you know? It's not in here!" Hilarity will ensue.

By: deadfather

deadfather — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 08:35:01 -0800

This beer tastes like updog!

By: robbie01

robbie01 — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 08:42:46 -0800

One of my favorites, works 99% of the time:

Me: Say, "JOKE, JOKE."
Them: "JOKE, JOKE."

Me: Say, "JOKE, JOKE, JOKE"
Them: "JOKE, JOKE, JOKE"

Me: Say, "JOKE, JOKE, JOKE, JOKE"
Them: "JOKE, JOKE, JOKE, JOKE"

Me: What's the white of an egg called?
Them: YOLK!!

Most people are very proud at saying yolk. Some people have gone 5-10 minutes before realizing it's the wrong answer, which makes it even better.

By: matildaben

matildaben — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 08:46:39 -0800

Me: Ask me "what's the secret to comedy?"
Them: "What's the secret to co--"
Me: Timing!

By: matthewr

matthewr — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 09:06:10 -0800

- What do you call a black pirate?
- I don't know.
- A pirate, you racist!

By: Faint of Butt

Faint of Butt — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 09:14:24 -0800

I can't believe I forgot one of my favorites:

-How do you fit an elephant into a shopping basket?
-I don't know; how?
-You take the S out of "Safe" and the F out of "Way."
-There's no F in Way!
-Exactly.

By: Robot Johnny

Robot Johnny — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 09:15:10 -0800

This beer tastes like updog!

Okay, okay, I'll bite.... ahem... what's updog?

By: Robot Johnny

Robot Johnny — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 09:17:02 -0800

Oh, and a perennial schoolyard favourite:

Q: If your Uncle Jack helped you off a horse, would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?

By: Wild_Eep

Wild_Eep — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 09:22:27 -0800

Okay, okay, I'll bite.... ahem... what's updog?

Not much, dog! What's up with you?

By: TheDonF

TheDonF — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 09:46:58 -0800

Knock knock
Who's there?
I've done up
I've done up who?
Eeeew

Also:

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dribleep
Dribleep who?
Eeeew

By: wackybrit

wackybrit — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 09:53:13 -0800

- What do you call a black pirate?
- I don't know.
- A pirate, you racist!

I've always found that joke to be more effective if you play to the supposed racist connotations of it. That is.. What do you call a black lawyer? or.. What do you call a black millionaire? Or something that makes the person think there's a racist punchline. It also hinges a lot on the fierce delivery of the last line.

By: wackybrit

wackybrit — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 09:55:51 -0800

Q: If your Uncle Jack helped you off a horse, would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?

In a similar vein: If a weird guy leapt on your back, would you wack him off?

(This works better in places where 'whack' is understood to be linked to a rude term, but is primarily used in the physical sense, such as the UK.)

By: SwingingJohnson1968

SwingingJohnson1968 — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 10:10:43 -0800

2 muffins in the oven. The heat is on. 1 muffin says, "Danm! It's getting hot in here!"

What does the other muffin say?

By: SwingingJohnson1968

SwingingJohnson1968 — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 10:11:10 -0800

other muffin: "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

By: Miko

Miko — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 10:18:45 -0800

'Updog' is like the perennial old man joke.

Joker: "Are you looking for the henway?"

Stooge:"What's a henway?"

Joker:"Oh, about six pounds."

"JOKE, JOKE" reminds me of other setup jokes, like:

Joker: Spell ROAST
Stooge:>>R-O-A-S-T

Spell MOST.
>>M-O-S-T

Spell COAST
>>C-O-A-S-T

Now, spell the name of the food that you put in the toaster?
>>T-O-A-S-T
Wrong. B-R-E-A-D.

For many years, I've actively collected the long, shaggy-dog type stories where the listener hangs on every word and then ends up looking foolish at the end because they believed the story. Telling these is almost like performance art. You tell them dramatically, up to a crucial climactic point, and then stop and insert a long pause as though you're not going to finish. The stooge usually asks "Well, what happened?" and then you deliver the idiotic punch line. And up until that moment, they didn't know it was a joke. Without exception, they're far too long to post here in their entirety - but I mean these stories:

1. Tall tale about yourself refusing to pay at a restuarant, having a companion fake a heart attack, ambulance comes, you try to leave in a cab and restuarant owner comes out and starts pulling at your leg "just like I'm pulling yours."

2. Long story about a strange injury to your toe which left you stranded on the side of the road. Elaborate. Stooge asks, so how'd you get home? I called the toe truck.

3. Story features you picking up a hitchiker somewhere with a mysterious bag. He acts so weird about the bag that you start getting concerned about what it is. You ask him, he refuses to tell. At each refusal he says "It's none of your fucking business." You guess several things, for example - "is it drugs, man? Because you can tell me, I'm totally cool with it. I just want to know if I need to worry about getting pulled over," etc., He keeps refusing, saying 'It's none of your fucking business." After three or four such interchanges, you kick him out of the car and pull away. Then you look down and, holy smokes, there's the bag. Stop there. Of course the stooge asks "So, what was in it?" to which you say "None of your fucking business."

God, I love those jokes.

By: klangklangston

klangklangston — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 10:19:07 -0800

The retards are just back from the zoo, and the teacher is testing them.
"What's gray and has a trunk?"
The retard says "An elephant."
"Yay! Clap for retard boy!" (claps)
"What's yellow with a long neck?"
The retard says "A giraffe?"
"Yay! Clap for retard boy!" (Claps)
Then they ask him about that one that's like a horse, but has stripes... You know...?

("A zebra?"
"Yay! Clap for retard boy!")

By: klangklangston

klangklangston — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 10:20:49 -0800

Yeah, shaggy dogs are good too. I can make the actual shaggy dog story tortuously long, and a friend is good at the Yellow Lego. (There's also the meta-shaggy dog "Purple Squiggle" joke, and the semi-legitimately funny Insult School/Clown joke.)

By: Astro Zombie

Astro Zombie — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 10:33:24 -0800

Asphinctersayswhat?

By: nobody

nobody — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 11:05:14 -0800

My, Astro Zombie, I do wish you would speak more clearly. When you mumble I have trouble understanding your intent.

What?

By: fidelity

fidelity — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 11:06:49 -0800

Depending on how much of an ass you want to be in the mocking-the-listener thing:

Keep in mind that shaggy dog stories don't HAVE to have a punchline. Just tell a boring and pointless story for however long it takes someone to ask you if there's an end to this joke. Then say no.

And then run.

By: LordSludge

LordSludge — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 11:24:43 -0800

The Aristocrats!

By: fidelity

fidelity — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 12:23:46 -0800

Also, a la Spies Like Us:

Did you hear that? It sounded like a dikfor!

What's a dikfor?

To piss with!

By: orthogonality

orthogonality — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 12:27:51 -0800

J: "I'm going to be the next Hitler. I'm going to kill all the Jews and one clown."

A: "Why a clown?"

j: "A-ha! See?? Nobody cares about the Jews!"

By: jasondigitized

jasondigitized — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 12:38:34 -0800

Knock Knock.
Who is there?
Goliath?
Goliath Who?
Goliath Down, You Looketh Tired.

By: ChasFile

ChasFile — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 12:45:35 -0800

Me: pussy. pussy. pussy.
Them: uh-huh.
Me: pussy. pussy.
Them: what?
Me: pussy.
Them: Is this a joke?
Me: pussy.
Them: I don't get it.
Me: AND YOU NEVER WILL!

By: jasondigitized

jasondigitized — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 13:11:49 -0800

Tell this like your completely being serious and embellish as much as you want:

"Holy sh*t your not gonna believe what happened the other day. I was at the gas station the other day, in a HUGE rush, not paying attention to what I was doing, and somehow, I spill gas all over my jacket. Anyway, what am I gonna do. I guess I'll wait till I get home. So....anyway.....I am such an idiot! Like always, whenver I start driving, I light up a cigarette ( if you dont smoke say something about a spark or something ) . I completely forgot about the gas incident and before I know it, my arm is completely on fire! Now, I am going down the road, knee deep in traffic and can't just stop, so I put my arm out the window, and wave it like crazy to get the flames to go out. Now as I am doing this, a cop see's this, get's behind me, and flashes his light. Well, in the commotion, I finally put the fire out, and pull over to the road. I hop out of my car, the officer approaches, and says 'Holy Sh*t buddy, are you alright?'. I tell him I am fine although a little shaken up. He says 'Cool, but unfortunately, I am going to have to write you a ticket." I say 'WHAT!!! My f*ckin arm was just on fire and you are gonna have to write me a ticket. FOR WHAT!!'. 'Well Sir, I am going to have to write you a ticket for carrying an illegal firearm."

By: billysumday

billysumday — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 13:25:26 -0800

What was that really long joke about the guy who always wanted a ping pong ball for his birthday? Anybody? Anybody?

By: fidelity

fidelity — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 13:31:59 -0800

the pink ping-pong ball joke

By: SemiSophos

SemiSophos — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 13:47:41 -0800

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?

Best when told in large groups.

By: yclipse

yclipse — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 13:59:55 -0800

This was said to have been an exchange between Sam Donaldson and President Reagan, although I have my doubts.

SD: "Mr. President, it is said that every man does one of two things when he takes a shower in the morning. He either plays with himself or he sings."

RR: "What?'

SD: "Do you know what he sings, sir?'

RR: "Um, no."

SD: "I thought not."

By: AmbroseChapel

AmbroseChapel — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 15:19:11 -0800

This joke was topical in the 1980s, but just for the record:

YOU: Who was that racing driver who started his own airline? Nicky something?

THEM: Lauda!

YOU: I said, WHO WAS THE RACING DRIVER WHO STARTED HIS OWN AIRLINE??

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 16:49:23 -0800

When you woke up this morning did you have an ass full of cum and a quarter in your hand?

"Of course not!"

Oops, guess I forgot to pay you. Sorry.

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 16:50:59 -0800

Also, from a friend at Spring Break (used as the world's worst pickup line):

Hey, baby, wanna get some Doritos and fuck?

"Of course not!"

What's wrong? Don't like Doritos?

By: ChasFile

ChasFile — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 16:54:49 -0800

Thats ok, ColdChef, but that line would be funnier if it ended thus:

"Ok then, how about Pringles?"

By: ColdChef

ColdChef — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 16:59:20 -0800

Wow. That IS better.

By: pollystark

pollystark — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 17:01:33 -0800

You: [Create a circle by touching thumb to forefinger.] "What's this?"
Them: "I don't know"
You: "Wanker's cramp. [pause] Do you get it?"
Them: "Uh, yeah, I guess."
You: [laughter]

By: Brittanie

Brittanie — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 17:02:20 -0800

Along the lines of the black pirate joke, I love to tell a serious of pirate jokes and racists jokes, especially in public like at a bar, then close wit this one:

"You know what the best thing is about pirate jokes?"
"No. What?"
"You don't have to do this (look to the left, then right to see who's listening) when you tell one."

Also: Did you hear about that circus fire on the news last night?

By: Brittanie

Brittanie — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 17:02:46 -0800

Man, it was intense.

By: devilsbrigade

devilsbrigade — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 18:05:30 -0800

- A sphincter says what? (said very fast)
- What?
- A sphincter says what?
- What?
- Exactly...

By: hugsnkisses

hugsnkisses — Fri, 13 Jan 2006 19:28:50 -0800

I've always found that joke to be more effective if you play to the supposed racist connotations of it. That is.. What do you call a black lawyer? or.. What do you call a black millionaire? Or something that makes the person think there's a racist punchline. It also hinges a lot on the fierce delivery of the last line.

Yes, the modified version I use packs a bit more of a punch (especially with a decent pause for the "oh my goodness they're telling a racist joke" panic to start):

1: What do you call a black man flying a plane?
2: I don't know.
1: A pilot, you fucking racist.

By: rob511

rob511 — Sat, 14 Jan 2006 22:48:17 -0800

Two blonds (could be guys) are on opposite sides of a river. One calls to the other: "How do I get to the other side?" The other replies, "You are on the other side!"

By: divabat

divabat — Thu, 19 Jan 2006 02:21:22 -0800

TheDonF: I'm slow, and I don't get it.

Along the lines of Miko's and robbie01's:

Say "silk" five times.
[silk, silk, silk, silk, silk]

OK now spell "silk".
[S-I-L-K]

What does a cow drink?
[Milk!]
No, they drink water.

and:

If a yellow house is made out of yellow bricks, a red house out of red bricks, and a blue house out of blue bricks, what do they make a greenhouse out of?
[green bricks/yellow-and-blue bricks, sayeth a friend of mine]
No, glass.