Another roommate???? At 44 years old?????

March 27, 2017 2:43 PM

My husband and I are kind and generous souls. We'd both give you our last $40 or the shirt off of our back if you needed it. We just got rid of my sister as a roommate...now we have another...Mefites, help me be gracious.

Some of you might remember, my sister lived with us until January. She finally moved and I finally have my clean house back!!!! (just for those of you curious, she moved in with one of my acquaintances...but is now moving out and in with her current boyfriend...anyway...) Last Thursday night, we got a phone call from my husband's oldest son (30). He told his dad that he had his car taken apart in the driveway, working on it earlier in the day, so it wasn't drivable, and his wife had just told him she wanted a divorce. Could we please come and get him. Of course we went straight over and picked him up. We've taken him to work a few times, but he's been finding a ride home. This morning, he found a ride in to work. He's asked if he can stay for a little while. He's been a crying mess since we picked him up, so we've not talked about expectations, rent, etc. He's been here 4 days. He hasn't offered to give us any money, he's liberally smoking his dad's green and drinking his beer. (he always asks...he's not just taking it without us knowing.) We are definitely going to have a talk about these things but I'm thinking that right now isn't the time to try to discuss this. How long should we wait before we sit down with a contract and put some agreement on paper? I don't want to appear insensitive, but I'm not getting screwed over again like I did with my sister. I keep thinking that if this were one of my boys, I don't care how old they were, I'd let them come and stay too, with the exact same expectations...so it's not about having another roommate, it's just about when to bring up the "roommate agreement". :)

posted by Amalie-Suzette to Human Relations (27 answers total)

One week. At 30, you get one week every year to mooch off mom and dad. After one week, there's a lease which includes utility, food, etc.
posted by Geckwoistmeinauto at 2:50 PM on March 27, 2017 [13 favorites]

It may feel heartless, but I've realized recently that even in situations when you are helping someone out and providing things in a way where the ledgers may never exactly balance (you end up giving more financially than you will ever receive back in money/work/whatever), you're doing everybody a favor if you come to some actual agreement.

For you, it gives you more piece of mind. But also to the person being helped, it's more: they have a better sense of what they can expect (giving them piece of mind too) but also it makes them feel more like an adult with agency and less like a charity case (even if you're giving them a bunch of charity).

In the effort to protect somebody's feelings and not wanting to appear insensitive (and be generous), we sometimes do damage to other people's self-esteem and our relationships with them.

(If it matters, I can speak from experience from both sides on this particular issue.)
posted by MCMikeNamara at 3:01 PM on March 27, 2017 [11 favorites]

I think this is a function of the divorce process timing. He needs to consult a lawyer and come up with an agreement on how to split funds, etc. Soon. Then, when it is clear who gets what and when, he starts paying rent either to you or a landlord. The same goes for his ex.

If it were me, I would focus on supporting him to get the divorce process or the separation process going so that he and his ex have some certainty in their lives even if that certainty is that they are now poorer. He should speak with a lawyer within a week.

As for his car, he should go to home this weekend and put it back together and get it running. There is a lot for him (and his ex) to sort through, but a plan and a timeline are essential.
posted by AugustWest at 3:03 PM on March 27, 2017 [13 favorites]

I would wait about (so until he's been there for about 1.5 weeks), to give him a chance to get a handle on his feelings, and then sit down with him. I would frame it as "How can we support you while you get your feet under you?" and not as "You can't stay for more than n weeks and you owe us $m for rent and utilities."

Also I'm a little younger than him (I'm 26) but I have to say that I would be incredibly hurt if I needed my parents at a time like this and they characterized it as "mooching." He's in a lot of pain emotionally right now and while you don't need to provide indefinite no-strings-attached support or anything, being kind will go a long way.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 3:16 PM on March 27, 2017 [82 favorites]

I think you're a little scarred from helping out your sister. I know you feel; we had a house guest that talked about staying for a month and ended up as three months! After that we were incredibly wary of anyone staying with us as we felt our niceness was being taking advantage of.

But the key point here is that just because one person took advantage of your hospitality, that is not a reason to go all hard and defensive with everyone else. Divorces are tough -- I would wait at least three weeks before drawing up agreements and boundaries. It doesn't like he is a perpetual mooch; it sounds like he's having a genuine one-time crisis and really needs your help.
posted by moiraine at 3:22 PM on March 27, 2017 [45 favorites]

Must agree with moiraine, here. Not sure what your relationship with your stepson is, but it sounds like this is a genuine crisis for him and not something he does regularly. If my stepmother sat me down with a rent agreement under the same circumstances, I'd feel...majorly pissed-off, to say the least, and would view that gesture as 1) uncharitable and 2) classic evil stepmother behavior. Offering your support in the divorce process would help things along. By next week or so when he's a little more pulled together maybe the three of you can sit down and talk about him finding a place to live. Your husband should be involved, here.

"Drinking his beer." Come on. Seriously? He's his son. Does your husband actually have a problem with his son drinking his beer and smoking his weed, or is this you?
posted by Miss T.Horn at 3:32 PM on March 27, 2017 [69 favorites]

You're totally understandably sensitive from the debacle of your sister's overstay, but you can't let that be a reason to interfere with your husband's support of his kid. If my life capsized the way this man's has, I would absolutely expect that my dad would take me in; it would not occur to me not to help myself to his recreational supplies; and if my stepmom tried to interfere it would put her on my sh*t list for life.

Breathe deep, pat yourself on the back for being a good kind person and partner, and see where you are in a few days.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:32 PM on March 27, 2017 [27 favorites]

Also: I would be very surprised if, after putting up with your sister for so long, your husband will take kindly to your being rigid about his son.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:36 PM on March 27, 2017 [81 favorites]

Don't start with a roommate agreement. Start by helping him get his head around a divorce plan. In a week, sit him down and ask how you can help him navigate this. Lawyer definitely, probably a therapist, too. At that point, after he's started calling lawyers getting his head around the whole thing, he can start to think about his medium-term living situation. But the rules of staying with you should not be the first thing you approach him with about the future.
posted by gideonfrog at 3:37 PM on March 27, 2017 [13 favorites]

Definitely let him deal with raw emotions about the divorce first. I had to stay with my mom when I left my ex and it was easily the worst time of my life. If they'd told me they wanted to draw up a rent agreement before a month had gone by, I would have been so upset I would have cut off contact. As it happened, I found an apartment two weeks later. Focus on supporting him through the divorce and help him find an apartment if he asks (but don't push him).

Divorce is #2 behind the death of a spouse on a list of the most stressful life events. Don't push him.
posted by AFABulous at 3:47 PM on March 27, 2017 [19 favorites]

Your sister and her daughter stayed with you for a year and a half after a divorce when she aimed to only stay a few months. Don't overcompensate for the poor handling of your sister's stay by getting an agreement drafted with your stepson after he's been with you for 4 days. Let your husband handle his son and remember that your husband endured your sister and niece's very long and messy stay.
posted by quince at 3:56 PM on March 27, 2017 [36 favorites]

He's your husband's child. He's getting divorced. If this isn't what family is for, I don't know what is. I'd give it a month to move from "crashing at dad's because: emergency" to "long term state of affairs requiring an agreement."
posted by DarlingBri at 3:58 PM on March 27, 2017 [52 favorites]

As someone who stayed with a friend when (now ex) husband and I seperated, she gave me a week to be a hot mess. Then she sat down with me and said "Now what? What is your plan? What needs to happen?" and then helped me talk through it. I wound up moving back in with husband (that time), but looking back it was nice to have her say "What needs to happen in this situation?" and not "When are you moving out?" (although I knew what she was getting at)

That being said, I'd say give him another week and then sit down with him and say "So...how is this going to play out?" If he says the divorce is going to happen, then guide him towards meeting with a lawyer and figuring out what the next steps are. If they owned the house, they will have to figure out who gets to keep it (and buy the other person out...is that financially possible for him?) or figure out the plan to sell it and split proceeds. Either way, he's going to have to figure out his budget for living as a single person. Make that more of the focus of his thoughts...he might be able to go rent an apartment next month, or he might need to save up cash for a deposit (or borrow from you) for a couple months.

Give him lots of love and encouragement, but help him plan and think through logistics. Remind him that he has power and agency in this situation, and he's not the victim to the whims of his wife (so he doesn't get taken advantage of). If it looks like he's making zero movement to live independently after a month or two (i.e. laying on the couch playing video games all day long), that's the time for a different conversation.
posted by MultiFaceted at 4:06 PM on March 27, 2017 [6 favorites]

I get why you are feeling burned because of the previous situation, but at the same time, you have to get that this is a son staying with HIS DAD at a beyond-stressful point in his life. Like, if I were going through a life crisis and had to crash with my parents, it would not even occur to me to not drink a beer from the fridge or to offer them money. (Yes, if it became a long-term arrangement and I couldn't find other housing, I would offer to pay some rent/groceries/etc. money, but not after a FOUR DAY visit with my parents!! I regularly stay longer than that at holidays and my parents don't charge me a nightly hotel rate.)

My recommendation would be:
1. Take a BIG step back and let your husband take the lead on this. You just imposed a lengthy and difficult stay from your relatives on him, and for a relationship that for most people is less close than parent-child. It's not right to start complaining about his son coming to stay after FOUR DAYS. I get you're frustrated, but honestly I feel like this is not really your place to put up a big fight.
2. After a few weeks, if it seems like no progress is being made, raise things privately with your husband, work out what you guys feel okay about asking in terms of rent/groceries/etc., and then your husband should talk to his son about it.
3. When talking with your step-son, do what you can to be supportive and definitely do not try to get in between the father-son relationship. Plenty of people would choose their child over a spouse who came into the picture later in life, and even if that doesn't happen, shitting on your stepson while he's in the middle of a divorce could create strained family relationships for years to come. It's just not worth it. If or when there needs to be some tough love, it should come from his dad, not his stepmom.
posted by rainbowbrite at 4:41 PM on March 27, 2017 [36 favorites]

How does your husband want to handle it?
posted by Jubey at 4:53 PM on March 27, 2017 [7 favorites]

I agree with the consensus that you need to support your stepson with warmth and hospitality now, (and not with your foot impatiently tapping.) I would add that perhaps your difficulty accepting this is by framing him as a "roommate." A sibling, like your sister, can be thought of as a roommate because there's an equality between siblings.
Parents and children have never been equals. A parent really can't relax if their child is struggling, no matter how old the kid is.
You are not a 44 year old adult with a roommate, you are a 44 year old adult with a stepson.
posted by flourpot at 5:00 PM on March 27, 2017 [27 favorites]

Let your husband take the lead on this. I can't imagine your stepson would be able to think in terms of a "roommate" agreement" until a month or so has passed, once it is determined that the divorce is truly happening. I know this isn't easy & you're burnt out, but try focusing not only on being supportive but also on self-care that has absolutely nothing to do with this situation (long baths, a yoga class, a spa day, copious amounts of wine, whatever works). Best of luck to all of you!
posted by katemcd at 5:03 PM on March 27, 2017 [3 favorites]

Actually I just looked back at the OP's history. She says she has a terminal illness and two young boys. This does add another dimension to things. Time might seem different to you now, OP. I am sorry if this is the case.
posted by flourpot at 5:06 PM on March 27, 2017 [14 favorites]

Yes, I would be pretty hurt if I were having a crisis and moved in with my folks and my stepparent brought up a roommate agreement within even a few months. If it were my child, I'd let him stay and offer help and support for whatever time it takes to get him back on his feet. The parent/child relationship is not the same as a sibling. If you really need a timeline, I'd say wait six months.
posted by Ollie at 5:14 PM on March 27, 2017 [4 favorites]

In my value system, a child who is hurting should be able to come to his parent(s) and receive comfort, whether he's 13, or 30, or 53. He's just received the shock of his life, probably. Asking him to pay rent or utilities, or even buy his own weed, at this point, would be heartless, imo. I have a sense that this particular situation will work itself out and he will lick his wounds and then in a few weeks--or maybe as much as a couple of months--get back to his own life, all the stronger for having spent some time in the ONE place in this world where someone loves him unconditionally and doesn't play tit for tat.
posted by nirblegee at 5:40 PM on March 27, 2017 [7 favorites]

I get it: you had such a horrid experience with your sister that your husband's son is triggering you, and you want to be pro-active and make damn sure that things don't degenerate into _The Sister, pt 2: The Step-Son_.

Really, just two things:

1. As stated by others, the step-son is entitled to some amount of time (I'd vote for at least a month) to get his shit together. On the plus side: the step-son sounds like he's a lot more well-behaved than your sister.

2. Your husband is the person who is going to have to work with the son on establishing stuff like duration of the stay, rent, and so forth. Sure, you can talk things over with your husband - but if there is law that needs to be laid down, that's your husband's job.

No - three things:

3. It pains me to bring this up, but 5 months ago you posted to AskMe that you have a terminal illness. Is that still the case? Or is everything better now? I'm sorry that this is harsh, but - if you've only got a few months left, then yeah, that's probably going to make a difference in how you and your husband and your step-son decide to handle things.
posted by doctor tough love at 7:53 PM on March 27, 2017 [1 favorite]

I agree that since your husband put up with your family and 2 of them at that, it's your turn to put out the welcome mat for his son. One thing I do wonder is why is it his job to leave? His wife wants the divorce, shouldn't she leave? I don't know the whole story, maybe he spends his time dismantling and reassembling his car instead of working but it might be something to consider.
posted by BoscosMom at 11:14 PM on March 27, 2017

Agreed with everyone that worrying after 4 days that he hasn't offered to pay only makes sense as an overreaction to your sister's past behavior. (Devoid of such context, it's hardly kind and generous!) I vote for 2 weeks, personally, and for the conversation being about "what are your next steps" and how to accomplish them rather than "we're worried you're going to mooch." One thing you can do in the meantime is basic stuff like having him help clean up after dinner if you eat together, help some with the kids if there's anything relevant for him to do, not do his laundry, etc.

Your sister had a very long history of flakiness and no history of supporting herself or living alone. Is your husband's son similar, or does he have a history of actually managing life as an adult?


(Finally, if he is an actual adult then don't forget that family help is, ideally, a big multi-way road system. He should be able to count on you, and you should be able to count on him, now and in the future, to help you with your household and your lives. Do you all have a strong relationship? Can you see him being there for your kids in the future?)
posted by trig at 12:17 AM on March 28, 2017

My husband and I are kind and generous souls. We'd both give you our last $40 or the shirt off of our back if you needed it.

Where I come from, being generous means agreeing to have family stay with you for as long as they need without the expectation that they will pay you back in some form or another. Your husband should help his son land on his feet: that's what family is about. Oh, and allowing family access to whatever legal or illegal substances are in the house are part of the deal. Anything less sounds petty and mean.
posted by Kwadeng at 12:34 AM on March 28, 2017 [6 favorites]

I see from previous posts that you were diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and have two school-age children. GBM is how we lost my mother - my heart goes out to you.

I agree with other posters that a month is a good cushion of time to give your step-son to figure out actual next steps (including moving out of your place or staying and pitching in for expenses).

I also agree with other posters that the one-month talk should be led by your husband (who will hopefully also be motivated by wanting to spare you the stress, in addition to this being his son), and that you should be prepared that your husband may have some complicated feelings about this due to your sister's recent lengthy stay. With that said, again, under the circumstances, he will ideally be motivated by wanting to protect you from unnecessary stress.

I know that you are dealing with terminal illness, and that this is extraordinarily stressful. Your step-son is 4 days into different life-changing news, and in a few short weeks he will be better able to take a deep breath and look around him, look at his loved ones, at you, his father, his step-siblings, and start to put things back together for himself. I understand your anxiety given what happened with your sister, but I encourage you to try to take this new situation one day at a time for a few weeks, and then your husband can broach the subject of next steps with his son.

Good luck with this, and good health to you. I am hoping that medical advances will positively affect you in the near future.
posted by pammeke at 8:35 AM on March 28, 2017 [6 favorites]

We are definitely going to have a talk about these things but I'm thinking that right now isn't the time to try to discuss this.

I want to give you credit here because I think previous answers are right as far as needing to give this time, but I want to particularly acknowledge that I think you're aware of that and that it's good that you're looking forward to how to handle this rather than just waiting until it's too much and then letting everything fall apart. I think in AskMe people--myself included--tend to be used to seeing people not address stuff like this until after everybody's on their last nerve, and my first knee-jerk reaction was to respond like you were already there until it registered that you're actually planning ahead! What a concept!

I'd say, given my own experiences with some traumatic breakups, that about a week is a good point to start into, "Okay, what's your plan going to be now, and how can we help you?" Even if that "plan" is just first baby steps, it doesn't have to be a full-fledged thing. I'd probably wait to talk about more long-term roommate arrangements until after that; once he's a little more steady he may not want to hang about for long, or he might need awhile longer, but it's very hard to tell that kind of thing in the first few days. If you were going to focus on something right now, I'd say I'd focus on helping him figure out how he's going to get reliable transportation back; not only is it good as far as him getting back on his feet financially, but I think he'll feel more capable of handling stuff once he has that.
posted by Sequence at 11:34 AM on March 28, 2017 [2 favorites]

Response by poster: What great responses! I knew I could count on you. He's been here to weeks and neither I or my husband have felt it's "time" yet. He is very sensitive but is very proactive. He's a hard working adult who has never mooched off anyone in his life. He's been taking the steps this week to turn off utilities, cancel insurance, consult with an attorney, etc. He's even mentioned helping us out with bills but I told him we'd talk about that later. I KNOW he's not going to be my sister part II but I just wanted to plan ahead. His son and I are very close. After him being here for the last two weeks, we've become closer. He DOES feel like my child too... And I'd do anything for my boys. I am letting his dad take the lead on anything... And we came too an agreement on the weed and the beer...we all chip in now. I think it's going to be fine. Thank you so much for setting my mind at ease.
I do still have s terminal illness, but right now I'm ok. The doctors gave me 2 to 12 years based on the diagnosis so I'm just living and loving life... Whether I get 1 more day or 1 more decade... It doesn't matter.
Again, thank you Mefites!
posted by Amalie-Suzette at 9:17 AM on April 9, 2017 [3 favorites]