How unacceptable is it to no-show to a house party?

March 26, 2017 9:59 AM

Imagine someone is hosting a casual house party of 20-30 people and invites a guest who is a new friend. It goes like this:

• Host invites the guest personally, by text message
• Guest happily replies, saying they will come
• The day before the party, host texts guest a reminder
• Guest confirms they will come
• Guest doesn't show up to party, and doesn't send host a message before or anytime after the party

As a host, how would you react to this behavior?
posted by ElEmigrante to Human Relations (57 answers total)

Well, sometimes things happen, like getting hit by a bus. I'd wonder if something bad happened, first off. You can ask that.

Barring that, I'd not pin hopes on this person being super reliable and calibrate future expectations and desires.
posted by sageleaf at 10:05 AM on March 26, 2017 [24 favorites]

As a host, I would file it under "this may be what I can expect from this person pending further information" and then not worry about whether it was acceptable.
posted by aniola at 10:06 AM on March 26, 2017 [91 favorites]

I'd be hurt and assume this person is not as interested in my friendship as I'd previously thought. I mean, there are plenty of reasons to skip a party, but not even dropping a "sorry I can't make it" text to someone who's invited you over, shows that the relationship matters very little to you.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:06 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]

I'd probably wait til next time I saw them and go "hey you missed a great party!"

I mean if you really wanted them at the party for some particular reason, you could have told them so, but otherwise one person's attendance at a huge party isn't really here or there.

I'd bear it in mind in future and maybe be careful not to put myself out hugely around their plans without further evidence that they are usually more reliable.
posted by emilyw at 10:08 AM on March 26, 2017 [11 favorites]

Presumably you really like Guest, because you tried hard to get them to come to your party. The "I'll be there" responses coupled with the no-show would make me conclude that Guest doesn't feel as strongly about the new friendship as you do. Guest might have replied eagerly to your reminders because he/she felt "put on the spot," and then at the moment of truth said, "Eh. I'm too tired to go out. Whatevs." It's hard for some people to say no.

Have you heard anything from or about Guest since the party? It's always possible there's a genuinely good reason--Guest got hit by a truck, went into insulin shock, stuff like that.
posted by scratch at 10:08 AM on March 26, 2017 [7 favorites]

Or in other words, what sageleaf and fingersandtoes said.
posted by scratch at 10:09 AM on March 26, 2017

I'd send a text saying, "Missed you last night - it was a fun party - hope everything's OK." The person may have had an emergency or even just a panic attack over going to a party with 20 - 30 relative strangers. I'd cut them some slack.
posted by kbar1 at 10:11 AM on March 26, 2017 [79 favorites]

If one guest out of 20-30 didn't show I'm not sure I would even notice. My only reaction would be to worry if they were OK (if they were very diligent about showing up to functions), or probably no reaction at all (if, like most people, they're inconsistent).

I've never considered my individual presence at a party of that size to be important enough to warrant letting the host know that I couldn't make it at the last minute.
posted by telegraph at 10:11 AM on March 26, 2017 [72 favorites]

It's a but rude, but if it's a good friend or someone you hope to be a good friend, maybe give them the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps they have a social anxiety thing and they had every intention of coming but chickened out at the last minute.

Maybe ask them what's up. If they say something like "oh yeah, I was gonna come but I decided to go to a movie instead" or something lame, then let them go as a friend. If they have a legit reason that doesn't sound like a lie, let it go. It's not like them not coming ruined the party, is it?
posted by bondcliff at 10:13 AM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

A house party with lots of people standing/sitting eating and drinking? I wouldn't worry about it, other than to reach out and make sure guest was okay. For people who are introverted or socially anxious, that kind of event is a bit of a minefield, and there's the expectation that they won't be particularly missed if they aren't there. All of this is super, triply, especially true if the only person they knew at the party was the host.

It's bad manners to say they are going to come and then not show up, but it's in the vein of minor rudeness versus saying they were going to attend a seated dinner and then not showing up to that.

My reaction would be to invite this person to a few smaller things with various sub-groups of my friends, so they get a chance to know people better in a less pressure-filled social situation. Then the next time there's a larger party, maybe showing up will feel like something they want to do instead of something they should do.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:15 AM on March 26, 2017 [21 favorites]

Yeah, if the guest knew it was a party of that size, it doesn't take much of a life disruption on their part to decide to not show up. Were it a more intimate affair (like less than 10) it would be a bigger deal. Agree with kbar1's suggestion for a quick text to check in. Any number of things could have made a party of that size just one too many things for the guest to deal with yesterday.

Sure, maybe they were just a flake, but absent prior knowledge of this person I would default to giving them the benefit of the doubt.
posted by i less than three nsima at 10:17 AM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

This is not a thing unless it's a close enough friend that you're in contact with regularly and then would know by now what had happened, anyway.

It's totally ok to be minorly bummed about it, but that means you want to get to know this person more and you should ask them to do a thing with you specifically.
posted by jeweled accumulation at 10:24 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

Please remember that social anxiety can flare up pretty intensely just prior to an event and is right up there with being caught naked in a bus station embarrassment wise after the fact.
posted by sammyo at 10:24 AM on March 26, 2017 [35 favorites]

For an intimate gathering where the numbers determine food orders, teams for games, etc., that would be rude. But for a house party? Honestly a personal confirmation text seems over the line to me and I'm surprised a host would do that. As a guest I would feel a bit put off by that.

I think I'm probably in the minority here, though.
posted by kapers at 10:24 AM on March 26, 2017 [43 favorites]

I would feel awkward texting apologies to a busy host and might just not show up if I got sick/had a flat tire/changed my mind/whatever.

Um. If you are the host, yeah. This comes off as strict and judgey to care one way or the other if a particular guest showed up or not. Maybe the guest is a people pleaser and meant well but got overwhelmed by the host's heavy expectations?
posted by jbenben at 10:27 AM on March 26, 2017 [9 favorites]

I would figure they'd planned to come, life got difficult at the last moment and they didn't want to text or call you with a single special snowflake "sorry i can't make it" while you were in the middle of welcoming all the other guests and dealing with drinks and food and coats and music.
Afterwards -- it's 50/50 whether it's necessary to text and explain why you didn't come to a large party.
So, I would just assume they couldn't make it for whatever reason and give them the benefit of the doubt about their friendliness towards you unless they flake again in a more intimate setting.
posted by flourpot at 10:28 AM on March 26, 2017 [12 favorites]

Just remember...the point of throwing a party is not to retaliate against people...for whatever reason...
posted by sexyrobot at 10:31 AM on March 26, 2017 [20 favorites]

Yeah unless this is a potluck and the guest was in charge of the only dessert I don't think a no-show for a party of this size is a big deal. It would be nice if the guest had texted their regrets but they may have worried about that creating drama, considering the host's texting patterns may have come across to the guest as a bit anxious or overbearing.

I think it's also relevant that this is a new friend who may be still trying to figure out the host's personality and there's probably still some getting-to-know-you friction on both sides of this new relationship. Each person should cut the other some slack.
posted by mama casserole at 10:39 AM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

Different people feel differently about etiquette around large informal parties. In my social circle, a casual acquaintance not showing up to a house party wouldn't mean that much. Ask them to a more specific thing - get a couple of friends that you think they'll like together and see if everyone wants to get dinner or go to a movie.
posted by Frowner at 10:43 AM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

Best answer: I find this kind of behavior generally unacceptable and rude, if it's repetitive. And to me the size of the house party doesn't matter. One time several years ago, I tried to host a large-ish house party. A lot of people said they'd be there and we made a ton of food. It turned out that so many people flaked that we had way too much food, and I was just generally pissed. I had worked hard to make all the food and prep the house! Not even a "sorry I can't make it" text, and I find that really off-putting behavior from people.

But, you say this is a new friend, and in that circumstance, I tend to be a little more lenient with folks and give them a few chances. But generally, people who flake a lot, I tend to cut out of my friend circle because for me, that induces stress and anxiety in myself. Everyone is different, so determine how you feel, and go with it - how you feel is how you feel, and you aren't required to be one way or another in this situation. It could be that this new friend isn't that invested in a relationship with you. Or it could be that maybe they just had a bad day.
posted by FireFountain at 10:45 AM on March 26, 2017 [13 favorites]

I would never react to it. I would assume this is a person that may be likely to flake in the future. I wouldn't even mention it to them because I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable. Maybe they really wanted to come, maybe they were uncomfortable saying no but didn't want to come. I would still invite them in the future. Unless it was a birthday party for a kid and I made favors I wouldn't feel upset about a no-show. If it was a dinner party or game night, etc and only a few of us I would be upset.
posted by beccaj at 10:45 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]

Unless you already have an established daily texting routine, I would definitely not follow the suggestions to text today. That could read as manipulative/creepy/controlling if this is early days of your friendship.
posted by kapers at 10:51 AM on March 26, 2017 [7 favorites]

I also want to say don't text to make sure everything is ok today. That would also read as unsettling to me if I skipped a party like this. Honestly I have anxiety about big group hangouts with strangers and not going and getting in touch sometime within the week to say "hey, sorry I couldn't make it, something came up" is exactly what I would do. I would wait for them to contact you at this point in time.
posted by sockermom at 10:55 AM on March 26, 2017 [8 favorites]

I would notice it but not write someone off over it. They could have had last-minute cold feet as suggested multiple times above, they could have gotten caught up in caulking the bathtub or having coffee with an old friend or reading a book and not noticed the time until it was too late, could have started out but hit some traffic or train issues, could have taken a nap which lasted longer than it was supposed to, had a work emergency come up, etc.

I'd invite them to other things in the future and see if 1) they ever show up 2) they ever reciprocate. If the answer to both is no, I'd take them off the list.

Hazarding a guess: if this is someone you want to date, just ask them on a date.

How unacceptable is it? On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being completely acceptable, like showing up to a dinner party with a bottle of moderately priced wine, and 10 being completely unacceptable, like seducing the hostess's grandma in the coat closet between the dessert and cheese course and then never calling her (and not tidying up the coat closet after), I'd put this around a 2-3.
posted by bunderful at 11:02 AM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]

I'd probably be a bit disappointed, but, given that I have a degree of social anxiety myself, I'd be inclined to be charitable, as anxiety seems like the most likely cause here.

Don't message immediately, because I think that would potentially seem intrusive. But, depending on how irritated you are (and how much you want to move the friendship forward), either just see if you bump into them, or get in touch in a week or so to see if they want to meet up.

While there are all kinds of things that could have caused this, from laziness to a tragedy, anxiety seems like the most likely cause for not turning up + not texting (assuming​ your intuition that they're not a dick is right). People have a tendency to ghost out of embarassment/shame after ducking out of something due to anxiety, and if you want the friendship to continue, you might need to be a bit proactive in following up. That isn't fair, but, if this is social anxiety, the person suffering from it will likely be glad of the help.

Obviously, don't keep following up if they keep flaking, and only do what you feel comfortable with.
posted by howfar at 11:06 AM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

Assuming long enough had passed after the party for me to be confident that the no-show did not have a sudden crisis and was not going to send me an apology once they had sorted it out, I would probably think they were a bit of a rude, flakey person and not make any special effort to invite them to anything else. I think it would be a bit OTT to actually confront them about it, but it'd certainly be a black mark.
posted by intensitymultiply at 11:10 AM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]

In a 20 person party, if 1 person didn't show up it means you had a 95% attendance rate. Pretty good!

So what do you do about this one person? You just shrug and keep on living your life man. Life is too short to do anything else. Don't hold a grudge. It's not worth the cognitive overhead and you can't gain anything positive from it.

If this sort of thing happens again too many times, you'll know something about this person. Otherwise, who cares?

There is something that you can learn from this, though. The fact that you took the time to write out this question could be a useful signal about yourself and how you feel right now. Maybe you feel a bit slighted and you can't let it go. Maybe there are some things going on in your life. Maybe you feel a bit anxious about something.

So my advice to you, if you are the host, is to not think so much about this person who didn't come to your party. Rather, try to think about why you wrote this question. I suspect, if you can introspect deeply enough to understand your feelings about this, you might figure out something and feel a little bit better.
posted by tracert at 11:20 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]

As a migraneur, I have often RSVPed "yes" to events I was unable to attend at the last minute due to migraine attacks. Generally, because "screens" and phone calls aggravate my migraine, I also avoid the phone unless it's a movie or event where people would wait around for me. I understand why you would be put off by the no-show, but I'd definitely give the person another chance.
posted by epj at 11:21 AM on March 26, 2017 [9 favorites]

I'd not think anything of it. Casual means just that, and with a crowd of 20-30, I know I wouldn't be missed overmuch if I got a headache or just couldn't bring myself to deal with people I barely knew (if I knew them at all). As your flaky guest, I'd have texted you the next morning apologizing, but I wouldn't text at the beginning of/during your party. I've had some people be absolute bullies about trying to convince me to come a party when I was attempting to politely bow out. As a host, when planning an event, I always assume that 10% will RSVP yes and not be able to make it.

If it was a wedding, date, formal dinner party or a kid was SUPER looking forward to seeing the person, that's a different story. But life is too short to keep score/put black marks on someone's imaginary permanent record about casual party attendance.
posted by kimberussell at 11:21 AM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]

I would assume they got a better offer and not worry about it. A large casual party is not something I feel obligated to attend even if I said I'd go and I've attended a ton of them as well as hosting them. I'd probably send a note the next day or whatever but it's actually ruder to text the host and say "hey, something more interesting came up, not coming" than it is to just not show to a casual party.
posted by fshgrl at 11:24 AM on March 26, 2017 [7 favorites]

I throw a lot of parties, and this sort of thing is totally common - there is at least one or two no-shows at every party. But parties are just supposed to be fun dpop-in-and-out whenever you like. If someone isn't feeling in a party mood, then that's ok. The no-show should definitely sent a text the next day saying " sorry I couldn't make it hope you guys had fun" just so the host doesn't worry they are dead.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 11:58 AM on March 26, 2017 [8 favorites]

Make a mental note that new friend is maybe kind of a flake, shrug, continue on as usual.

Obviously this varies by location, demographic, and social circle, but I would not consider this to be unusual or egregious behavior.
posted by eponym at 12:02 PM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

It was really up to the person to send a "sorry I can't make it" text, but they didn't, so there's not much you can do. If this is the first time they've pulled this, just let it go. But if they are a repeat flake, then it's time to stop inviting them. A first time offence on flaking should be taken as a slightly rude but not intentionally rude gesture.

Their reasons for not showing are valid, but it'd also be a valid choice for you to label them a flake or a sometimes-there friend. I have chronic health issues and some other anxiety-ish things that mean I sometimes miss obligations, but I always text(I try to do so a few hours in advance) that I can't make it and I'm sorry. I learned this lesson the hard way by being subtly ousted from a friend group when I was younger because I'd never follow up if I didn't show(and back then I thought being anxious was a good enough reason to make the host feel like shit). They don't owe you attendance, but they should certainly let you know when they can't come or apologise for missing, just so you aren't worried about the situation.
posted by InkDrinker at 12:40 PM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

"Missed you yesterday - hope everything's all right. Let me know if I can help out with anything," is about as much as you can do.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 12:53 PM on March 26, 2017

If Guest were me, reasons would include everything from "I just found out that Jane is going to be there (and Jane is someone who kicks off multiple anxiety triggers)" to "my dog dug a hole into the neighbor's yard and ran away and I am beside myself with worry, and can't deal with anything else right now". Or maybe I just simply could not get myself together enough to manage a social activity that day. Or you live in a part of town where I will likely have to parallel park, and this is sometimes all it takes to spiral me into enough anxiety to shut it all down.

Some reasons I am 100% comfortable with sharing, some I am not. If you're close to me, I can explain myself in a circle of trust. But if you're a new acquaintance, my default is likely to say nothing and then someday, when I see you casually, mention it in a casual way. "Oh, I felt so bad about your party but my car would not start/neighbor needed me to babysit/had a migraine" or whatever. But it does not mean I don't like you, or purposely avoided your party. I always, ALWAYS appreciate being invited, to anything. The struggle is real.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 12:58 PM on March 26, 2017 [5 favorites]

Honestly a personal confirmation text seems over the line to me and I'm surprised a host would do that. As a guest I would feel a bit put off by that.

I think I'm probably in the minority here, though.

This is also how I'd feel about it. At the same time, I think it's fine to be all "Awww that person didn't come." Absent more information, this is my read

- it's not a casual house party if someone's texting me reminders about it
- if "new friend" is legit just a new friend, that's one thing, if this is more like "new potential paramour" I think it might be a small indication they're not as into things as you
- I'd be 50/50 if something came up at the last minute and I couldn't go whether I'd let people know or not
- If this was my new just-a-friend friend, I'd probably notice and see if it happens another time or two and adjust expectations accordingly

I used to live somewhere where I'd have open-house-ish parties maybe every month and invite 20-30 people from a set list that would expend/contract a little but not much. After a few months, you know who the people are who say "Oh hey sorry we really wanted to come but ..." and hey, maybe they honestly feel that way. They're just friends, it's not worth having a whole "Look if you really wanted to come, you could have probably made it happen" some people are just ... not as in control of their own lives for various good and bad reasons. So give it another chance or two, but I don't think I'd be following up with them unless you're already chatting "Oh hey missed you at the party, it was fun!"
posted by jessamyn at 1:09 PM on March 26, 2017 [11 favorites]

For a casual house party, I'd let it slide. The more casual the setting, and the more people there are in attendance, the less important it is for each person to be there. I'd feel really bad about missing a gathering with 3-4 other people and would let the host know asap, not so much with 30 people.

If you want to cultivate this specific person's friendship, a smaller group setting might be better for that.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:17 PM on March 26, 2017

Unless this was a person I had more-than-a-friend feelings for, it's a nonstarter. Texting the day before seems a little needy and more-than-a-friendy. So does posting this askme.

Is that what's really going on?
posted by crankyrogalsky at 1:26 PM on March 26, 2017 [13 favorites]

As the host, my process stops after Step #2.
posted by humboldt32 at 1:36 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]

I would reasonably assume this person is a flaky pants and way lower my expectations regarding them in the future.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:00 PM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

I used to have panic attacks that left me rigid and unable to do anything, except sit. Afterwards the embarrassment, coupled with the depression I was concealing, kept me from reaching out. And at the time, I didn't to talk about it to casual friends. Sometimes people are functioning at the very limit of their ability although they look fine.

Let it go, and be aware there are tides in other people's lives that you cannot see.
posted by Sweet Dee Kat at 2:11 PM on March 26, 2017 [13 favorites]

For a casual party with dozens of people invited, I would probably consider the invite to be more "drop by if you can make it" rather than assuming the host would be keeping track of who showed up and who didn't. Possibly this person thought that as well? You're not required to be friends with anyone, so if this really bugs you, feel free not to invite them to things again. But, personally I would not consider it rude or unusual.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:20 PM on March 26, 2017 [8 favorites]

I would be slightly disappointed but wouldn't be super angry or look for them to explain themselves. People bring different expectations of host/invitee behavior. If this were a trend, I'd consider that in deciding what to invite them to. By no means do you try to change them; they are who they are and you can accept that while deciding what that means for how you interact with them.

Some people would find it awkward to say they can't make it, knowing it'd disappoint you. Maybe they think you'll try to persuade them to come, and they don't want to deal with that (would you have taken the disappointment gracefully?). Or they figured it's a house party, it's casual, you can drop in and out, individuals won't be missed. That's how I characterize house parties.

Two examples:

I have a friend who's a blast at a party but always shows up late. If I needed him to be on time, it would take a ton of work and probably almost tricking him into getting there early and it's not worth it. We invite him to stuff and he shows up whenever. We don't rely on him to bring food because we know it'll come late, if ever. It doesn't matter whether it's a house party, a dinner with seating, etc. He'll readily tell you that while he wants to show up, it might not wind up working for him.

Another time a friend told me he was coming to a party. We were texting and chatting on the phone and he said he'd be there. The party started in 30-60 minutes. When he didn't show up I was really disappointed. When we talked later I asked what happened and he didn't give any explanation. That's too close for me and I haven't invited him to anything since.
posted by ramenopres at 2:25 PM on March 26, 2017

I don't think this is a big deal but yeah it is a bit rude and flaky for the person not to send a "sorry I can't make it" message before or after the event. But please don't send them a follow up "are you ok" text- that seems over the top for someone you don't know well and could come across as weird or passive aggressive.
posted by emd3737 at 2:48 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]

For a large casual party I would file this under "probably technically rude but likely some sort of anxiety issue and/or friend just having a really bad day, no real disruption or inconvenience to me given the kind of party, basically dismiss from mind and don't think or worry about any further." I don't think I would react at all. At most, I might make a mental note of it only so that I could refer back in future to figure out whether there's a pattern after more time has passed (friend always flakes, friend flakes for big parties only, whatever the case may be.) I would not individually reach out to the friend the next day. I might reach out later on whatever schedule is typical for our communications to say hi or tell a funny story or whatever, but not specifically to discuss the party.
posted by Stacey at 3:55 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

A party with 20-30 people, I'd assume that my absence wasn't noticed. Hosting such a party, I wouldn't expect everyone to show either. Since the person double confirmed, it'd be good to check-in to make sure all was ok. But I wouldn't be miffed.

Interestingly, I think this is definitely a "local culture" thing - some places I've lived this would be a direct insult, other places it would be a non-issue.
posted by Toddles at 4:22 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

Another thing to consider is their phone service. My service provider flakes occasionally and doesn't deliver text messages for several days.
posted by cadge at 4:49 PM on March 26, 2017

As a host, how would you react to this behavior?

I wouldn't.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:55 PM on March 26, 2017 [10 favorites]

Unless they were charged with bringing some food or something, where their absence caused actual inconveniences, I would file this under "shit happens" and not make a big deal about it. You might mention that you missed seeing them, but please don't make them feel bad about it. Life's too short to be holding grudges over stuff that doesn't ultimately matter all that much, especially when you don't know the circumstances on the other end.
posted by Aleyn at 5:43 PM on March 26, 2017

There are many legitimate reasons why someone no shows after RSVP-ing yes. It is not the last minute no show that would irk me, but rather the failure to email or text apologies for the no show. I think that is rude.
posted by murrey at 6:04 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]

Nthing that this is not a big deal for a casual house party of 20-30 people. Stuff happens. Maybe they meant to come but fell asleep on the couch, who cares?
posted by desuetude at 6:12 PM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]

I agree with those who think a personal confirmation text for a large-ish party is a bit invasive. Maybe for a smaller gathering, but even then I would only expect a group email reminder or something.

When I've last-minute backed out of a house party for various reasons over the years (unexpected work; it's 100 degrees outside and running errands earlier in the day wiped me out; a more urgent situation arose with family or friends) I generally haven't texted to let the host know. I assume they are busy with their 20 other friends who did show up (who they probably like more than they like me! some social anxiety in there to be sure). Sometimes I write them afterward and say sorry I couldn't make it, but kinda depends on context.

As a host, I am disappointed when people don't show at the last minute but it happens all the time with all sorts of people and I don't really take it personally. Heck, just saw some of my best friends tonight who flake out on coming over to my place half the time I invite them.
posted by ferret branca at 7:50 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]

I wouldn't do anything besides lower my expectation that this person and I are going to actually be friends. I need my friends to basically do what they say they are going to do basically always; it used to make me mad that some percentage of people regularly and invisibly flake on pretty much anything, but I've learned not to take it personally.

A suggestion along that line: there's no need to send a reminder text the day before-whatever message the flakes send in response will have no relation to whether they show up, and our kind of folk will already have it in their calendars, so it adds little value.
posted by Kwine at 11:23 PM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]

For these sorts of things I have a two invite rule. So I'd just leave it this time and then invite them to the next party.

If they confirm, don't show up and don't offer up any kind of apology/reason then I know they are flaky and I don't bother inviting them to anything further.
posted by mr_silver at 12:29 AM on March 27, 2017 [6 favorites]

How you should feel: "Hmm, that's surprising. I don't know what it means. But whatever it is, it's not about me."

There are 2 things: they didn't show, and they didn't text you or otherwise communicate that they weren't going to be there. Don't try to guess why they didn't come -- or if you really need to guess, then assume it's that they're shy or introverted or they have some kind of mood problem...in other words, personal limitations made them uncomfortable about attending. Or whatever sympathetic reason you can think of

The not-texting is pretty lame --they could have even said something after the fact, and they didn't. To me, this means that they're not as conscientious socially as most people, and it probably wouldn't do any good to make much effort to get together with them.
posted by wryly at 1:32 PM on March 27, 2017

If it was just once, it would not convey a lot of information one way or the other to me. (If someone never came to my parties -- not that I throw a lot of them anymore -- I'd probably eventually stop inviting them, but I wouldn't necessarily stop being friendly with them either.)

I think it's a natural temptation to read a lot into attendance when you're hosting a party, because from the host's perspective it's kind of a large stressful thing that you've spent a lot of time and energy getting ready for. It's easy to feel kind of irrationally like you're owed a good turnout because of how hard you've worked. But to take the guests' perspective, unless you specifically told people you needed a firm head count (e.g., because you were serving dinner), I think the general expectation for this type of party is that it's not a big deal if you can't make it. So I think some proportion of last-minute no-shows are kind of inevitable for an event like this. In general, when you're hosting a casual party, I think it's a lot less stressful to release any expectations about who "should" come, and to not ruminate too much over why specific people did or didn't attend. It's just the nature of the beast.

Other people have mentioned the text; I also think it is kind of a mixed signal to send a confirmation for a casual party, and I'm not sure I'd know how to interpret it.

P.S. Was it this weekend? It's only Monday. Paradoxically, if something came up, they may be procrastinating on sending you a "sorry I flaked" e-mail/text because they feel guilty.
posted by en forme de poire at 8:12 PM on March 27, 2017

If it bothers you, it might not have been as casual a party as you thought it was.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:40 AM on March 28, 2017 [1 favorite]