How do I say "no" to inheriting my mom's asshat of a cat?
March 26, 2017 6:45 AM   Subscribe

My mom recently died, leaving a cat that does not like me. At all. And it's mutual.

No one else in my family can take this cat. But, and I feel really guilty about this, I don't want her. Like at all.

I am trying to find a home for her, and I will NOT let her wind up in a shelter, but I seriously don't want her. She's not friendly (not to me, anyway; she does like one or two other people), she's destructive and bitey and scratchy, and she is not the cat to replace my late cat, who was the best cat ever. It's not helping that I recently took in two cats while their owner was looking for an apartment, and those cats were the biggest jerks I have ever met. Those two cats made me realize that I might not, in fact, be able to love every cat in the world.

I am getting some subtle pressure from my siblings about "oh she'll learn to be friendly", "I'd take her if my own cat wouldn't hate another cat in the house," "she would learn to love you," etc, etc, but I'm tired of doing things I don't want to do because I feel guilty or feel the need to be accommodating. (This is honestly a long-standing issue of mine that has not always served me very well.) I loved my mom and I miss her and she loved this cat and I feel massively guilty about letting her go to another home. (If I can even find one; that's my other worry.) Especially since she's not the nicest cat and I'm afraid someone might take her in and then wind up not being happy with her.

But when I think about taking her in I feel cornered and panicky. On the other hand, even posting this question makes me feel like an awful person who deserves to be judged mercilessly. How do I let her go (to a good home) without regret?
posted by anonymous to Pets & Animals (19 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to answer here and say that cat are like people - they all have personalities. Sometimes one personality simply cannot live with another, even though we even want to be able. Please don't beat yourself up over this. It sucks, and I too am a cat lover and I feel for the cat who just lost their person and now has to live with a person they dont really like either. But sometimes life deals us all - human and cat - really shitty blows. Cat's actually lucky she has you caring enough not to dump her in a shelter.

Next steps - what to do? If it were me, I'd start looking for rescue organizations that puts their cats in foster homes. This may be hard to find and would require some leg work, but they're out there. These awesome people who foster the cats that need help will give your mom's cat a safe, comfy place to live, and will be able to assess her personality (without the baggage of loss) to find them a good forever home that works for cat and her personality. If possible (from your mom's estate if there's anything there?) when finding this organization a sizable donation would be very much appreciated as well.

If you can get one of the mods to post your location, other mefites may even have some suggestions on some rescues in your area.
posted by cgg at 7:03 AM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]


Let's unpack the part where you won't let her wind up in a shelter. Would it help to distinguish benevolent, reputable animal rescue organizations from shelters?

Also... perhaps this is a task better suited for one of your siblings, or the executor of the estate, or literally anyone else who has appropriate levels of empathy but might not be burdened by your heightened (and undeserved) guilt?
posted by thejoshu at 7:06 AM on March 26, 2017 [11 favorites]


This is so familiar. When my mom went into care for dementia, she left her fat grouchy orange cat. In addition to not liking me much, that cat was the only cat I've ever known who could make me wheeze, and I've had cats all my life and never had an allergic reaction to any others. I was not taking that cat home.

A cousin helped me find a rescue group, which found a new owner for him surprisingly fast – a slightly disabled younger woman who wanted a placid older animal. I made a donation to the group when I dropped the cat off and have hardly thought about it since. I can't even remember its name.

So I'm in thejoshu's camp – find a rescue group and explain your plight. Don't give them excuses. This is time for "it's not possible for me to keep him" and move on from there. Maybe make a donation: rescue groups can always use funds. Good luck.
posted by zadcat at 7:20 AM on March 26, 2017 [19 favorites]


Rescue groups often work with people who are total jerks about some cat that's ended up in their hands, people who don't care about the animal (neither the specific animal nor cats in general), aren't particularly apologetic, and haven't done any legwork to try to find a home among their friends. If you do end up working with a shelter, rest assured that they will not be judging you. Not only do they try very hard not to judge, but even if they were so inclined, they've got a history of awful people who would be way ahead of you in line to receive any judginess.
posted by aimedwander at 7:31 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]


Posting to agree with the above. Find a no-kill shelter and make a donation. Cat and you will be happier. This is, in fact, my express plan for my own death if no one in my life can take my cat.
posted by Medieval Maven at 7:33 AM on March 26, 2017


I will NOT let her wind up in a shelter

This is your insulation against guilt and regret. The cat needs a good home not in a shelter and you're going to give it one; if the cat doesn't seem to like you, it's not even a compromise, it's what's best for the cat!

As a practical suggestion, did your mom have some friends her age or older you can get in touch with? If you can get some women in the 50-60-+ age range to ask around in their social network with a sad story about their friend's orphaned cat, you might reach a pool of potential volunteers that you wouldn't catch with a Facebook post or however else you may look for adopters.

(I had to rehome my mother's three old, unwell and unattractive cats after she died. Like you, I was not going to take any of them home and I was not going to abandon any of them to a shelter (luckily, nobody I spoke to dared to suggest I would break my promise.) One went to a distant cousin, one to my mother's former visiting nurse, a saint; and the third to a stranger that the nurse personally found and checked out for me. I was extraordinarily lucky but I had been afraid I would just have to delay selling the house until all three cats grew old and died there naturally because nobody wanted them. You need a network of people actively helping you look for a home, but it can be done. A cat with a sad story can get help.)
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:44 AM on March 26, 2017 [6 favorites]


A good cat rescue organization will be able to make money stretch like you wouldn't believe. Throw that guilt right back at your siblings and request that they pool together a donation to go with the cat to a rescue group that gives you good vibes. (If you are in Washington state, Purrfect Pals is top-notch and they do a sponsorship system so your siblings' platitudes can be converted directly into care for hard and impossible to adopt kitties; they might be good to contact about similar groups in other places.) You are doing yourself and this cat a huge favor by not forcing a bad living situation on either of you, especially while you're (both) grieving.

I guess to more directly answer your question of how to say no, try "No. I can't do that." Be as simple and clear as you can, make direct eye contact, say it as often as a family member brings it up. Even if you're feeling emotionally squishy about maaaaaybe changing your mind, fake it till you make it and just say that you can't, because really you can't! until you believe it yourself and so do the people failing to manipulate you. It will help if you follow it up with a clear plan and links to a rescue group, but you can start saying it ASAP without that.
posted by Mizu at 7:46 AM on March 26, 2017 [9 favorites]


Your desire to take care of the cat out of loyalty to your mom is lovely. The thing to remember is that doing it yourself doesn't necessarily serve the cat best. Finding the cat a good home is the most devoted thing you can do for your mom; living with a cat you don't like would NOT be best for either of you, and is not as good a way to honor your mom.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:54 AM on March 26, 2017 [4 favorites]


Your mother passed, and it's understandable that you and your siblings have emotions about her pet, and want it to end up in a similarly loving home. You do not need to feel guilty about your inability to take on the responsibilty of an animal. Why would your siblings want you to be burdened? It's hard for everyone to let go. I adopted an animal that someone didn't want, and it was amazing, and I loved him dearly. And he was not a lapcat. :) i'm sure you can find someone similar, or a no-kill shelter can assist. Take care.
posted by semaphore at 8:28 AM on March 26, 2017


"Dear Siblings,

It is not possible for me to adopt or rehome Cat. Please make xyz arrangements for Cat by ABC date as I can not care for Cat past this date. Thank you for your understanding."

If pressed, tell them you have developed allergies. This can/does happen with adult allergies and is totally understandable.
posted by jbenben at 9:22 AM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]


Rescue groups will often work with you if you are willing to keep the cat, basically being a foster home for it, while they find it a home. That way they can use their resources but you would still be able to make sure it was looked after until a new home was found. You may want to take the cat to adoption events with the group as that would increase the speed with which it finds a home.

If you are worried about it being a match in it's new home, think about offering to keep fostering it if it is returned for being a bad match. Make sure to tell the rescue the truth about it's personality and the sort of people it gets along with as it will make it easier to find a match that will stick.

When it's all done make a nice donation to the rescue as a thanks for their help and move on with your life.
posted by wwax at 10:00 AM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]


I read a story once on MF or elsewhere that has stuck with me. A woman gave up one of her cats who hated her, with great guilt and anguish. A few months later she met the adopter, who raved about how friendly and affectionate the cat was, how it loved lap cuddling (whereas the cat would barely let the original owner pet her). So I believe that every cat just needs to find the right person, and clearly you aren't the right person but that's okay.
posted by serelliya at 10:45 AM on March 26, 2017 [14 favorites]


How do I let her go (to a good home) without regret?

I would ask yourself what is wrong with this outcome. To the cat, any good home will be as good as yours. In fact, since you don't like the cat and the cat doesn't like you, it might even be better. That is, it isn't like the cat is a child, who might develop some feelings about being "abandoned" by family. The cat won't care as long as it is well taken care of.

It makes sense to feel guilty if you're putting the cat in a situation where its future is uncertain. But it looks like you don't plan to do this. I do think you can't be sure that you won't warm up to this cat (or vice versa), but it's really al the same to the cat.

I mean, if you could ask the cat what it thought, it would probably respond: Who cares, you jerk?
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 11:03 AM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]


I'm sorry for your loss, and for the cat conundrum you have inherited.
Last year we moved my grandmother into a nursing facility and the guilt was poured on heavy for me to take her cat. This was even a nice cat that didn't dislike me. I just didn't want that cat, as you are allowed to simply not want this one. Permission granted, approval given. Please know that even if the cat ends up in a shelter, giving it the chance to be in a home that wants it is more a kindness than keeping it in your home where neither of you will be happy. I say this to you as someone getting ongoing, active guilt trips from grandmom for not taking her cat. (Said cat ended up with a family friend, both cat and new home seem perfectly happy with this outcome. Only grandmom is pissy, but she's a narcissist so she's only happy when her desires are prioritized over everyone else's.) You are not responsible for your mother's choices or actions, good or bad, including her cat.
posted by AliceBlue at 12:52 PM on March 26, 2017 [1 favorite]


"I'd take her if my own cat wouldn't hate another cat in the house,"

Wait HOLD UP, why is this a valid reason to not take the cat and "but the cat and I hate each other" is NOT valid? Sibling's cats will learn to tolerate mom's cat, etc etc etc.
posted by desuetude at 6:18 PM on March 26, 2017 [2 favorites]


Don't bother lying to siblings or anything like that. Find a fostering organization and get the cat fostered out. Make a generous donation. When pressed, just say, "This cat and I hate each other and I wanted to give this cat an opportunity to find a loving and comfortable home." I mean, that's all you have to do. It's ok to not want this cat. Just do your best.
posted by xyzzy at 6:31 PM on March 26, 2017


I love the fact that your siblings consider their reasons valid to not take the cat but somehow you aren't allowed that same luxury. Tell them if they consider taking kitty on is such an easy thing to do, then congratulations, the cat is theirs. They've just made the argument for adopting him themselves. If not, give them the number of a good foster home and for once, make it their problem and don't feel guilty about it. They're relying on your good nature so they can take advantage of it. Don't let them.
posted by Jubey at 9:03 PM on March 26, 2017 [3 favorites]


She's not friendly (not to me, anyway; she does like one or two other people)

Could one of the people she likes take her?
posted by madcaptenor at 6:04 AM on March 27, 2017


I read a story once on MF or elsewhere that has stuck with me. A woman gave up one of her cats who hated her, with great guilt and anguish. A few months later she met the adopter, who raved about how friendly and affectionate the cat was, how it loved lap cuddling (whereas the cat would barely let the original owner pet her).

This exact thing happened with my partner's parents' cat: they had a total jerkface cat who was a grump and they rehomed her and she is beside herself with happiness in the new home; a totally different cat. For every jerkface cat there is probably a happy-making family. Don't feel guilty about taking the cat to a shelter as it will likely result in a much better life than it would with you. If you're that worried about it, you could make a pact to adopt the cat back if it's not adopted after x number of months.
posted by urbanlenny at 1:47 PM on March 27, 2017


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