How do I make peace with my neighbour?
March 24, 2017 4:07 AM Subscribe
I have a neighbour (in a small community) who is high-strung and nervy and now has some kind of strong reaction of dislike and judgement towards. It's her own story, and she does this regularly with people. I've been ignoring it but I find my response is to avoid going where I will be around her and to withdraw into my shell. It affects me more than I would like it to. I would feel much better if I could somehow make peace. Ideas?
What is she doing that upsets you? Did anything happen between you two that you think triggered this?
If you just don't want to be around the negativity, because that is her personality, then I think you should continue to avoid her and try to reframe your thinking. Even if you somehow appeased her now, given her history, sooner or later she'll be acting like this towards you again and you'll be back to square one.
posted by blackzinfandel at 4:49 AM on March 24, 2017
If you just don't want to be around the negativity, because that is her personality, then I think you should continue to avoid her and try to reframe your thinking. Even if you somehow appeased her now, given her history, sooner or later she'll be acting like this towards you again and you'll be back to square one.
posted by blackzinfandel at 4:49 AM on March 24, 2017
There's something very important you left out, which is why this is happening. "She's a crazy old coot who does this all the time" may seem like an explanation to you, but I can guarantee that if I asked her to explain, she wouldn't say "oh I'm just a crazy old coot". People don't just dislike and judge other people. Even if it's unreasonable or overreacting, you must have done something to provoke her. Find out what it is and apologize. Ask her directly, if you can. "Hey, did I do something to make you upset?" And when she tells you what you did, accept blame and apologize sincerely. Don't explain yourself (e.g., "I didn't know..."), because she doesn't care.
posted by kevinbelt at 5:03 AM on March 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by kevinbelt at 5:03 AM on March 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
My grandma took up an irrational hatred toward one of her neighbors a few years ago. She called him the salmon face man and would watch him like a hawk through her blinds any time he went outside. Calling her would get a complete rundown on what the salmon face man had been up to that day.
"Gram, what did this guy do to you??"
"He's just got a nasty ol salmon face."
"And that's...it?"
"Well he also planted [some shrub she didn't like the look of] facing my house. But he's just got such a nasty salmon face. His wife is such a doll, I don't know why she married a man who looks like an old fish."
Do not discount the coot angle. Some people are just jerks.
posted by phunniemee at 5:18 AM on March 24, 2017 [33 favorites]
"Gram, what did this guy do to you??"
"He's just got a nasty ol salmon face."
"And that's...it?"
"Well he also planted [some shrub she didn't like the look of] facing my house. But he's just got such a nasty salmon face. His wife is such a doll, I don't know why she married a man who looks like an old fish."
Do not discount the coot angle. Some people are just jerks.
posted by phunniemee at 5:18 AM on March 24, 2017 [33 favorites]
Response by poster: Her explanation about this sort of thing usually is something like she just doesn't like people who are not what they seem, or that someone doesn't contribute to the community in a way she approves of. I've been told it's impossible to have a rational conversation with her. I haven't tried directly asking her, I think my capacity to speak would close up in the presence of such negativity, but perhaps I should.
posted by miaow at 5:34 AM on March 24, 2017
posted by miaow at 5:34 AM on March 24, 2017
People absolutely do just dislike and judge other people. Racism, homophobia, sexism, and Islamophobia to name a few. People judge others for the way they dress, their weight, the car they drive, etc.
With your update, OP, it might be worth it to try to connect with her, though if she's so openly negative to neighbors she hardly knows, she's not likely to get much friendlier.
posted by blackzinfandel at 5:49 AM on March 24, 2017 [22 favorites]
With your update, OP, it might be worth it to try to connect with her, though if she's so openly negative to neighbors she hardly knows, she's not likely to get much friendlier.
posted by blackzinfandel at 5:49 AM on March 24, 2017 [22 favorites]
To approach this from another angle, what is she actively doing to you that's making you feel uncomfortable? I think that your best course of action will vary depending on whether she's, say, calling the cops for noise complaints every time you turn on your TV, versus just peeking out her window giving you mean looks any time you walk by.
posted by DingoMutt at 5:57 AM on March 24, 2017
posted by DingoMutt at 5:57 AM on March 24, 2017
It might also help to know what kinds of things you are avoiding to avoid her. Are you staying in your house instead of using your yard, or avoiding community spaces or gatherings? What are you not comfortable enough to do that you would like to do more comfortably?
Because it may be that you have to work around her. Trying to make peace is great, and honestly, if she has jumped to the opinion that you're a bad person based on the color of shirt you wear on Tuesdays or how fast you blink, it may actually be possible to win her over with intense kow-towing--being super nice and expressing great respect for her opinions and thoughts.
But that might not work, and it might end up being about finding ways to work around her. What kinds of interactions would you normally have?
posted by gideonfrog at 6:10 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Because it may be that you have to work around her. Trying to make peace is great, and honestly, if she has jumped to the opinion that you're a bad person based on the color of shirt you wear on Tuesdays or how fast you blink, it may actually be possible to win her over with intense kow-towing--being super nice and expressing great respect for her opinions and thoughts.
But that might not work, and it might end up being about finding ways to work around her. What kinds of interactions would you normally have?
posted by gideonfrog at 6:10 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think your question might end in better results if it were "how do I make peace with myself that not everyone will like or be nice to me."
Which is tough, but I'd start with deep breaths, visualizing her as Oscar the Grouch who lives in the 'hood for archetypal reasons, and reminding yourself that you have a right to live in community spaces too.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:21 AM on March 24, 2017 [25 favorites]
Which is tough, but I'd start with deep breaths, visualizing her as Oscar the Grouch who lives in the 'hood for archetypal reasons, and reminding yourself that you have a right to live in community spaces too.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:21 AM on March 24, 2017 [25 favorites]
"People absolutely do just dislike and judge other people. Racism, homophobia, sexism, and Islamophobia to name a few. People judge others for the way they dress, their weight, the car they drive, etc. "
Of course they do. I never claimed otherwise. But in each of those cases, there's something, however stupid, prompting the judgment. Even phunniemee's salmon-faced man, well, he had a salmon face. The judgments are a reaction to something. Sometimes (as in the case of racism, etc.), there's not much you can do. Other times (as in the case of the way you dress or the car you drive), it's unreasonable. But my point was that the neighbor obviously has something in mind, reasonable or not. And until the OP knows what that is, it's hard to advise how to make the neighbor get over it.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:25 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Of course they do. I never claimed otherwise. But in each of those cases, there's something, however stupid, prompting the judgment. Even phunniemee's salmon-faced man, well, he had a salmon face. The judgments are a reaction to something. Sometimes (as in the case of racism, etc.), there's not much you can do. Other times (as in the case of the way you dress or the car you drive), it's unreasonable. But my point was that the neighbor obviously has something in mind, reasonable or not. And until the OP knows what that is, it's hard to advise how to make the neighbor get over it.
posted by kevinbelt at 6:25 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Whenever you make eye contact, wave and smile. Be consistent about it. Eventually, your being nice and polite may lead to her questioning if you're really the bad person she thinks you are, and if it doesn't, you've taken the high road.
I wouldn't get into a conversation about it. Waving is a nice way of engaging with someone without actually having to engage.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:53 AM on March 24, 2017 [8 favorites]
I wouldn't get into a conversation about it. Waving is a nice way of engaging with someone without actually having to engage.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:53 AM on March 24, 2017 [8 favorites]
People have a natural tendency to divide people in their sphere into friend or foe, good or bad. Your desire to be "neutral" in this woman's eyes is understandable, but you might have to actually make an effort to move firmly into the "like" column to change things.
posted by amtho at 7:02 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by amtho at 7:02 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
If this is something "she does regularly with people" then I think it's not worth a ton of effort to try and make peace. I don't think you can do much more than simply be polite and nice and let her behavior roll off your back.
Like WarriorQueen said, this is more of an issue of how YOU can learn to be comfortable around negative people and get over your fear of possible confrontation. I think the key is to come up with several responses you can use in the face of her negativity that all acknowledge what she said, while moving onto another subject or person.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that X happened to you, what do you think about Y."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad experience with neighbor Hank, I've never had anything but nice experiences with him."
"Oh yeah, it's annoying when someone blocks the driveway and that UPS guy is certainly here a lot, thankfully it's usually a quick drop-off"
"Yep, Sue's kids sure are rambunctious, but I like hearing the kids laugh and living in a neighborhood where the kids are safe to play outside."
If you have these kinds of things at the ready, then you might feel less anxiety. As for meeting her at social gatherings. Just say a few polite words and then go talk to someone nicer.
If this woman is as negative and judgmental as you say, then I'm sure all the other neighbors know and anything she says about you is going to be taken with a giant handful of salt, so I wouldn't worry about her damaging your relationship with your neighbors.
posted by brookeb at 7:06 AM on March 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
Like WarriorQueen said, this is more of an issue of how YOU can learn to be comfortable around negative people and get over your fear of possible confrontation. I think the key is to come up with several responses you can use in the face of her negativity that all acknowledge what she said, while moving onto another subject or person.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that X happened to you, what do you think about Y."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that you had a bad experience with neighbor Hank, I've never had anything but nice experiences with him."
"Oh yeah, it's annoying when someone blocks the driveway and that UPS guy is certainly here a lot, thankfully it's usually a quick drop-off"
"Yep, Sue's kids sure are rambunctious, but I like hearing the kids laugh and living in a neighborhood where the kids are safe to play outside."
If you have these kinds of things at the ready, then you might feel less anxiety. As for meeting her at social gatherings. Just say a few polite words and then go talk to someone nicer.
If this woman is as negative and judgmental as you say, then I'm sure all the other neighbors know and anything she says about you is going to be taken with a giant handful of salt, so I wouldn't worry about her damaging your relationship with your neighbors.
posted by brookeb at 7:06 AM on March 24, 2017 [5 favorites]
A neighbor of mine was ridiculously offended by misperceived slights and totally stopped communication with neighbors one by one. Next door neighbor didn't wave back? End of relationship. Another asked her to pick up after her dog? Stopped speaking to her. Parked in front of her house just once when there were no other spaces on the street? Cut her out. Just reframe this situation as "crazy neighborhood crank" and don't take it personally.
posted by Elsie at 7:29 AM on March 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by Elsie at 7:29 AM on March 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
A neighbor of mine was ridiculously offended by misperceived slights and totally stopped communication with neighbors one by one. Next door neighbor didn't wave back? End of relationship. Another asked her to pick up after her dog? Stopped speaking to her. Parked in front of her house just once when there were no other spaces on the street?
This sounds hard, but it also sounds like an insecure person who expects people to not like her and would require extraordinary evidence to convince her otherwise. Kind of like a few depressed people who have occasionally posted to AskMe. Genuinely hard to break through, but not a situation where I'm comfortable just dismissing someone as a "crazy crank".
posted by amtho at 7:42 AM on March 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
This sounds hard, but it also sounds like an insecure person who expects people to not like her and would require extraordinary evidence to convince her otherwise. Kind of like a few depressed people who have occasionally posted to AskMe. Genuinely hard to break through, but not a situation where I'm comfortable just dismissing someone as a "crazy crank".
posted by amtho at 7:42 AM on March 24, 2017 [2 favorites]
I live in a small town and there are some people who are like this. And yes, some part of this is just dealing with people who are challenging in whatever way they are. My landlady is like this, to other people, she is a doll to me. Understanding how other people see her (she's 90 and can be cranky but usually she's just fussy about things and thinks people should... be different. Other people don't like this, with good reason, and so they have a sort of detente) has been instructive to me and I always presume that the people who are like that to ME also have reasons (whatever they are, as kevinbelt says) which I may not agree with but it can be helpful to know. So yeah there are some cranky people who are like that about me.
Part of what was also helpful for me is getting some empathy from other people about this situation, to understand that they saw the cranky person also as cranky and were not all secretly agreeing with their negative assessment of me. That helped me re-center my normative expectations that, well, I couldn't make that person be friendly to me, maybe, but I could not feel that the judgments they made about me might have been secretly correct. If the situation is as you describe it, other people are probably seeing the same things you are and it might be helpful to talk about it with them so you can feel more confident about your own feelings. It sounds like there may be mental health issues involved in which case there may not be a lot you can do about it and there might not even be much SHE can do about it.Working on compassion may help you get around the hurt feeling that you're getting negative energy from someone for what seems like no reason.
posted by jessamyn at 7:46 AM on March 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
Part of what was also helpful for me is getting some empathy from other people about this situation, to understand that they saw the cranky person also as cranky and were not all secretly agreeing with their negative assessment of me. That helped me re-center my normative expectations that, well, I couldn't make that person be friendly to me, maybe, but I could not feel that the judgments they made about me might have been secretly correct. If the situation is as you describe it, other people are probably seeing the same things you are and it might be helpful to talk about it with them so you can feel more confident about your own feelings. It sounds like there may be mental health issues involved in which case there may not be a lot you can do about it and there might not even be much SHE can do about it.Working on compassion may help you get around the hurt feeling that you're getting negative energy from someone for what seems like no reason.
posted by jessamyn at 7:46 AM on March 24, 2017 [3 favorites]
IMO best you can do with people like this is just be friendly, wave when you see her, and otherwise just accept that you're not going to be chummy. I do think it's a personality type; my mom seems to drift toward a negative opinion of most people she knows and she'll talk on and on about her reasoning (I can't make her stop, really), and it's nothing you could *solve*. Nothing in the realm of a real grievance, nothing a reasonable person would see as things they can or should change about their behavior or appearance. And the more you try to make nice the more suspicious they tend to be.
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:04 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:04 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: In terms of what she does that is difficult: she says nasty things about me to everyone around, and refuses to make eye contact and responds to smiles or hellos with a mean face even just passing by each other.
I would really like to be brave enough to still smile, say hello, even if my attempts are rejected, but I end up withdrawing and ignoring her as well now.
We live in a small closed community and I end up not going to the central community area at all because it just feels better not to encounter her.
posted by miaow at 8:53 AM on March 24, 2017
I would really like to be brave enough to still smile, say hello, even if my attempts are rejected, but I end up withdrawing and ignoring her as well now.
We live in a small closed community and I end up not going to the central community area at all because it just feels better not to encounter her.
posted by miaow at 8:53 AM on March 24, 2017
You know you don't have to be nice to everyone, right? Especially if they're not nice to you.
Have you been manipulated in the past? Are you a people-pleaser because of it? Sounds like SHE manipulates many people by being nasty. She seems to be upsetting you with her behavior, so it's working. Please ignore her.
You are a nice person. A caring person, because you want to be kind to her, despite her behavior.
It's OK to ignore her. You're not required to smile and wave. She won't appreciate it. Please don't apologize to her if you haven't actually done something. It gives her more power over you, justifies her mean behavior and pettiness, and goes beyond nice into servile behavior. You are required to be polite to her if she interacts with you; you are not required to abase yourself.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:27 AM on March 24, 2017 [19 favorites]
Have you been manipulated in the past? Are you a people-pleaser because of it? Sounds like SHE manipulates many people by being nasty. She seems to be upsetting you with her behavior, so it's working. Please ignore her.
You are a nice person. A caring person, because you want to be kind to her, despite her behavior.
It's OK to ignore her. You're not required to smile and wave. She won't appreciate it. Please don't apologize to her if you haven't actually done something. It gives her more power over you, justifies her mean behavior and pettiness, and goes beyond nice into servile behavior. You are required to be polite to her if she interacts with you; you are not required to abase yourself.
posted by BlueHorse at 10:27 AM on March 24, 2017 [19 favorites]
Yes, BlueHorse has the right answer. You've already wasted sufficient energy on this person.
I have an ex-friend who is unpleasant like this if confronted, but she's learned not to confront people, and over the years has developed pretty good strategies for when she runs into somebody she hates. Yours may be able to learn, too. My exfriend and I coexist nicely in a pretty small social circle because each of us is good at pretending the other doesn't exist. If we're in the same room, I carefully direct my gaze around whatever space she's occupying, and she does the same. Yours doesn't seem to know how to do this, yet, but you can teach her by example. Just don't see her, and then her scowls will have no effect. If people report to you things she's said, smile gently, direct your gaze at an invisible butterfly floating just behind and just to the left or right of the person, and listen to the pleasing instrumental version of The Girl from Ipanema that starts to play in your head automatically whenever you hear your enemy. If the person insists on some kind of response, just keep gently smiling and help the person learn to shift focus away from unpleasant topics. "Bless her heart, the poor thing. Did you hear what Spicer said at the noon presser? Unbelievable." Meanwhile, it can help if you have buddies also on her shitlist. I have two and we trade war stories.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:47 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have an ex-friend who is unpleasant like this if confronted, but she's learned not to confront people, and over the years has developed pretty good strategies for when she runs into somebody she hates. Yours may be able to learn, too. My exfriend and I coexist nicely in a pretty small social circle because each of us is good at pretending the other doesn't exist. If we're in the same room, I carefully direct my gaze around whatever space she's occupying, and she does the same. Yours doesn't seem to know how to do this, yet, but you can teach her by example. Just don't see her, and then her scowls will have no effect. If people report to you things she's said, smile gently, direct your gaze at an invisible butterfly floating just behind and just to the left or right of the person, and listen to the pleasing instrumental version of The Girl from Ipanema that starts to play in your head automatically whenever you hear your enemy. If the person insists on some kind of response, just keep gently smiling and help the person learn to shift focus away from unpleasant topics. "Bless her heart, the poor thing. Did you hear what Spicer said at the noon presser? Unbelievable." Meanwhile, it can help if you have buddies also on her shitlist. I have two and we trade war stories.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:47 AM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
We live in a small closed community and I end up not going to the central community area at all because it just feels better not to encounter her.
It's really too bad not to be able to go in the common area when you want to.Whether that's by a) acting determinedly polite and like nothing is wrong every time you see her, or b) by straight up asking her if there is a problem, I think it should be your goal to be able to move freely in your own community. I would probably do a) followed, if it came to that, by b). You don't have to do b) in a confrontational way, you can ask if anything is wrong and what you can to to fix it. But don't let her drive you out of the common space. People know what she is like; no one is judging you based on her opinion.
posted by BibiRose at 11:50 AM on March 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
It's really too bad not to be able to go in the common area when you want to.Whether that's by a) acting determinedly polite and like nothing is wrong every time you see her, or b) by straight up asking her if there is a problem, I think it should be your goal to be able to move freely in your own community. I would probably do a) followed, if it came to that, by b). You don't have to do b) in a confrontational way, you can ask if anything is wrong and what you can to to fix it. But don't let her drive you out of the common space. People know what she is like; no one is judging you based on her opinion.
posted by BibiRose at 11:50 AM on March 24, 2017 [4 favorites]
Just ignore her. You're not obliged to do the emotional labour of figuring out what her problem is. If she has anything worth discussing with you, she'd bring it to your attention. In the meantime, smile benignly and focus into the middle distance when her name is mentioned, and change the subject to one you enjoy.
posted by rpfields at 6:03 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by rpfields at 6:03 PM on March 24, 2017 [1 favorite]
I had an elderly neighbor who had severe anxiety and probably social phobias. We were relentlessly helpful and polite to her, and gave her her distance. Over time, she became friendly, and I learned that her house had been broken into. She was extremely cautious and slow to trust. Assume that your neighbor is a little bit unstable, and treat her with courtesy. Use her as an opportunity to practice kindness. Her weirdness is not about you, it's her.
posted by theora55 at 6:39 PM on March 24, 2017
posted by theora55 at 6:39 PM on March 24, 2017
“I don't care what you think about me. I don't think about you at all.” - Coco Chanel
posted by dozo at 9:32 AM on March 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by dozo at 9:32 AM on March 25, 2017 [2 favorites]
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posted by miaow at 4:46 AM on March 24, 2017