In a relationship, what's the difference between romance and friendship?
March 22, 2017 12:38 PM Subscribe
I've been in a happy relationship for 7 months - the last 5 have been exclusive - with a man who is very sweet, funny, and good to me. We spend a lot of time together, have a lot of fun and good sex, but he's not the most romantic person in the world, in large part because he's not very emotional. The other day a good friend of mine told me that she felt like my boyfriend and I were "just friends" and that she didn't think I should be very invested in a long term commitment with him. I'd love to hear from the married/long-term partnered folk out there: what's the difference between romance and friendship in a relationship?
For context, I feel very happy. My boyfriend and I laugh all the time and have a ton of inside jokes. We've had a few small arguments that seem normal, but I haven't seen him be anything less than kind and honest with me (which is a break from my previous toxic relationship). I also have noticed that the longer we've been together, the better our relationship has been and the more he has opened up to me. He admitted that he's not the type of person to "fall" for a woman immediately and that has has more of a slow build. He's also said on a number of occasions that he feels like I'm different than his other girlfriends and that he feels like he could do this forever. On the other hand, I do think that a lot of what we do could be perceived as "friendly" to others, but it feels good and right to me. After an emotionally turbulent relationship, I like the fun and consistency of my boyfriend. But I still wonder...
Is it possible to have friendship chemistry without the love chemistry?
For context, I feel very happy. My boyfriend and I laugh all the time and have a ton of inside jokes. We've had a few small arguments that seem normal, but I haven't seen him be anything less than kind and honest with me (which is a break from my previous toxic relationship). I also have noticed that the longer we've been together, the better our relationship has been and the more he has opened up to me. He admitted that he's not the type of person to "fall" for a woman immediately and that has has more of a slow build. He's also said on a number of occasions that he feels like I'm different than his other girlfriends and that he feels like he could do this forever. On the other hand, I do think that a lot of what we do could be perceived as "friendly" to others, but it feels good and right to me. After an emotionally turbulent relationship, I like the fun and consistency of my boyfriend. But I still wonder...
Is it possible to have friendship chemistry without the love chemistry?
"I feel very happy"
"Have a lot of fun and good sex"
...what more could you ask for?! A good friend will not confuse you about your own happiness.
posted by pazazygeek at 12:42 PM on March 22, 2017 [90 favorites]
"Have a lot of fun and good sex"
...what more could you ask for?! A good friend will not confuse you about your own happiness.
posted by pazazygeek at 12:42 PM on March 22, 2017 [90 favorites]
Just out of curiosity, does that friend of yours have a lot of relationships that end with her throwing the other person's clothes out of a window? Does she have a lot of exes that she sleeps with now and then or otherwise just can't let go of?
Her problem isn't with your relationship.
posted by Etrigan at 12:45 PM on March 22, 2017 [28 favorites]
Her problem isn't with your relationship.
posted by Etrigan at 12:45 PM on March 22, 2017 [28 favorites]
what's the difference between romance and friendship in a relationship?
Is there a difference? I've been in a relationship for a decade and I have trouble separating the two. I don't want to separate the two. If I were forced to find a dividing line, I'd say that I'm not in the habit of having a lot of fun and good sex with my friends as a general rule.
Your friend who made the weird comment is guilty of a great but common sin: assuming their expectations should be hoisted upon your experiences.
That said, if you find something lacking in the friend relationship that you want in the love relationship, let it be known to your boyfriend (and maybe not to your friend who made the comment). So maybe that's the dividing line: lovers communicate intimate thoughts and desires, and maybe even thoughts and desires we don't wish to share with all of our friends.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:45 PM on March 22, 2017 [14 favorites]
Is there a difference? I've been in a relationship for a decade and I have trouble separating the two. I don't want to separate the two. If I were forced to find a dividing line, I'd say that I'm not in the habit of having a lot of fun and good sex with my friends as a general rule.
Your friend who made the weird comment is guilty of a great but common sin: assuming their expectations should be hoisted upon your experiences.
That said, if you find something lacking in the friend relationship that you want in the love relationship, let it be known to your boyfriend (and maybe not to your friend who made the comment). So maybe that's the dividing line: lovers communicate intimate thoughts and desires, and maybe even thoughts and desires we don't wish to share with all of our friends.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:45 PM on March 22, 2017 [14 favorites]
I things you're fine: appearance is not reality. I know a couple who says that they don't know how to "look like a couple" in pictures unless a photographer coaches them. But they're very happy and have been together a long time.
posted by batter_my_heart at 12:46 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by batter_my_heart at 12:46 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Your relationship sounds great. Good friendship combined with sexual chemistry = what one should strive for in my book.
Some people (your friend perhaps?) might be influenced by very stereotypical ideas of romance from not-very- interesting sources of popular culture -- flowers and candy, goopy looks, chasing balloons in a field like a shampoo ad... but "The Bachelor" is not the template for romance.
posted by flourpot at 12:48 PM on March 22, 2017 [10 favorites]
Some people (your friend perhaps?) might be influenced by very stereotypical ideas of romance from not-very- interesting sources of popular culture -- flowers and candy, goopy looks, chasing balloons in a field like a shampoo ad... but "The Bachelor" is not the template for romance.
posted by flourpot at 12:48 PM on March 22, 2017 [10 favorites]
You know that you're in a romantic relationship and that this guy is obviously not just your buddy. Don't let a friend's dumb comment about your relationship get to you like that.
posted by cakelite at 12:49 PM on March 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 12:49 PM on March 22, 2017 [5 favorites]
Romance is not integral to or even a component of every happy relationship. I think romance is the performance of intimacy, but you can certainly have intimacy in a relationship without romance. (And by intimacy, I do not mean sex.)
posted by DarlingBri at 12:50 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:50 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Is it possible to have friendship chemistry without the love chemistry?
When Your Greatest Romance Is a Friendship (via MetaFilter), a touching story of a young man's friendship with an older lady. Here's a key quote that doesn't spoil the beautiful story:
posted by filthy light thief at 12:50 PM on March 22, 2017 [24 favorites]
When Your Greatest Romance Is a Friendship (via MetaFilter), a touching story of a young man's friendship with an older lady. Here's a key quote that doesn't spoil the beautiful story:
A few months before her diagnosis, Austin had attended a wedding. She showed me a copy of the vows, which had been distributed at the ceremony — a detailed list. I read it carefully, at Austin’s bidding. We were sitting in a car, waiting for our favorite Thai restaurant to open.That sounds wonderful to me. And you're having good sex, so what's lacking? Everyone has a different definition of romance, and in turn a different desire for romance. If this relationship makes you both happy, be happy in that.
“I never had anything like that with the men in my life,” she said, pointing to the vows. “We loved each other, but we didn’t have that.” She was crying now, something she rarely did.
I took her hand and said, “Well, you have it with me. Everything but the sex.”
At which point, the monkey kissed the pigeon.
That night, I had an odd realization: Some of the greatest romances of my life have been friendships. And these friendships have been, in many ways, more mysterious than erotic love: more subtle, less selfish, more attuned to kindness.
posted by filthy light thief at 12:50 PM on March 22, 2017 [24 favorites]
No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. My boyfriend and I get along gangbusters and no one needs to know that our friendly, fun banter that looks to the naked eye like most of my other close friendships is complemented by fantastic sex and intimacy behind closed doors.
Ignore your friend; they're speaking about something they do not and cannot know.
posted by sockermom at 12:54 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
Ignore your friend; they're speaking about something they do not and cannot know.
posted by sockermom at 12:54 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
You obviously don't feel like you and your boyfriend are "just friends." And it sounds like he doesn't either. Don't sweat this.
posted by craven_morhead at 12:55 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by craven_morhead at 12:55 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
WOW. Ok, I'll say it. Dump this "friend" like the sack of wet garbage that she is.
To your question: what you have with your boyfriend - emotional intimacy that grows over time, a lot of fun together, shared humor, good sex - is as good as it gets in a long term relationship. "Romance" is, I guess, the butterflies that you get at the beginning when you don't know the person well. What's left after that is where the real love is.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:58 PM on March 22, 2017 [9 favorites]
To your question: what you have with your boyfriend - emotional intimacy that grows over time, a lot of fun together, shared humor, good sex - is as good as it gets in a long term relationship. "Romance" is, I guess, the butterflies that you get at the beginning when you don't know the person well. What's left after that is where the real love is.
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:58 PM on March 22, 2017 [9 favorites]
Best answer: We've been together for twenty years and married for fifteen (as of tomorrow!) and yeah, I side with the majority here. Great relationships need to have solid friendships at the base and if you're both happy then all is well. What is romance besides a story/fantasy we tell ourselves?
What's different between our relationship and our other great friendships, mostly sex, but also the parts of living together that alway require negotiation and work.
posted by advicepig at 1:01 PM on March 22, 2017 [16 favorites]
What's different between our relationship and our other great friendships, mostly sex, but also the parts of living together that alway require negotiation and work.
posted by advicepig at 1:01 PM on March 22, 2017 [16 favorites]
Just last night I was thinking about the love relationship that's at the core of Shakespeare's play King Lear. It's filial, not romantic, but I think this aspect is the same: overt demonstrations of "love" are not true testament to real feeling. That feeling is proved over time in small ways. Those who trust florid declarations and gestures are likely to regret dismissing relationships that are built quietly.
posted by amtho at 1:02 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by amtho at 1:02 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
Her input says more about her own experience in relationships than what's going on in yours. I had a friend tell me one time that it makes her uncomfortable how my husband and I tease each other, which was straight up baffling; we have been happy together for 24 years. She, however, has been in lots of relationships with men who were genuinely mean and belittling to her, and disguised that as teasing. Fortunately I know her well enough to understand this and not take her commentary about my relationship seriously.
posted by something something at 1:03 PM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by something something at 1:03 PM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
Also: your friend isn't necessarily a bad friend nor a bad person. Understanding real love is not something that "good" people can do and "bad" people can't. It's something that's taught and learned, possibly over generations, by parents and teachers who take the time to draw our attention to things that are essentially invisible.
posted by amtho at 1:05 PM on March 22, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by amtho at 1:05 PM on March 22, 2017 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Ha. My relationship with my wife is light hearted and drama free and probably looks the same to 3rd parties as yours does. It is GLORIOUS. She makes a point to do sweet things occasionally (random cards, etc) and so do I (ballet tickets, etc) but, for example, we don't mutter "loveyou" before signing off like many of my coupled friends and if we have to celebrate our anniversary the next week because I'm out of town, nobody minds. But we're not "friends", because we have sex and sleep together every night and own a house together.
Enjoy it, and you can even feel smug about it if you like, I know I do.
posted by ftm at 1:10 PM on March 22, 2017 [15 favorites]
Enjoy it, and you can even feel smug about it if you like, I know I do.
posted by ftm at 1:10 PM on March 22, 2017 [15 favorites]
Ugh...ignore your "friend". Only you can judge who will make you happy in the long run. If your current boyfriend is giving you a great relationship without the drama and mayhem then he sounds like a great fit for you. I'm going on 13 years with someone who many would not consider romantic but he's perfect for me.
posted by victoriab at 1:10 PM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by victoriab at 1:10 PM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Your question is the opposite of most of the relationship questions people ask, where somebody in a shitty relationship is trying to find some reason that it's okay or some way to fix horrible problems that have no realistic solutions.
It's so wonderful! Keep dating this great dude and being happy! Inside jokes are the best love chemistry there is and just grow better with time. It is good for people to not dive their everything into a new relationship all at once, it's great that he's opening up over time. Consistency is great and you're enjoying it and that's great and everything is greeeeeeeat more questions like this please where nobody has to tell anybody to break up.
posted by foxfirefey at 1:11 PM on March 22, 2017 [30 favorites]
It's so wonderful! Keep dating this great dude and being happy! Inside jokes are the best love chemistry there is and just grow better with time. It is good for people to not dive their everything into a new relationship all at once, it's great that he's opening up over time. Consistency is great and you're enjoying it and that's great and everything is greeeeeeeat more questions like this please where nobody has to tell anybody to break up.
posted by foxfirefey at 1:11 PM on March 22, 2017 [30 favorites]
As someone who recently had someone breakup with me, I think he basically said that he lost sexual/romantic attraction to me, but basically wanted to be friends. That was pretty crushing to me, since I both had a really strong friendship with him (I ended up disclosing more honest thoughts to him than I ever did with my actual best friends) and I was sexually and romantically attracted to him. We discussed during our breakup, and he said that for him, it was pretty clear what the differences between friendship/romantic/sexual attraction was. A strong friendship is the foundation of a really good relationship, but there are other components as well that take time to grow. Now, as for why and how the romantic/sexual attraction on his side went the way he did? I have no clue, but he definitely didn't verbalize why or how at the time when it was waning, but here's anecdotal information for you to determine.
I also had a best friend who also criticized my relationship with him and tried to put themselves and our friendship as superior to me and the guy I was dating. I'm fairly sure it was out of jealousy and insecurity and because they were attracted to me as well. (Again, my story!) I think any friend who says that is doing it out of insecurity, jealousy, and putting upon their own views, and needs to be checked.
posted by yueliang at 1:14 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
I also had a best friend who also criticized my relationship with him and tried to put themselves and our friendship as superior to me and the guy I was dating. I'm fairly sure it was out of jealousy and insecurity and because they were attracted to me as well. (Again, my story!) I think any friend who says that is doing it out of insecurity, jealousy, and putting upon their own views, and needs to be checked.
posted by yueliang at 1:14 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Your friend's statement is complete horseshit. Ignore it.
posted by holborne at 1:14 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by holborne at 1:14 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
The longer I live and carry on in my (17-year-long) relationship the less I can answer what the difference is, really, and I mean that in the best possible way. My relationship is the best, deepest friendship of my life because it's the one that's been given this level of intimacy and closeness to thrive. Entirely possibly, if I'd lived 17 years spending every single day alongside a dearly-beloved-but-platonic friend, there'd be very little actual difference between that and my relationship, other than a subset of forms of physical intimacy and a shared mortgage.
All of that said, different people need different things out of relationships, and for some people "romance" looks very unlike "close friendship." Your friend might be one of those people, and more power to her if she is, but her standards of what a relationship should be, don't have to guide yours.
If you're happy in your relationship and it currently feels good and right to you and to him, then you're doing fine. If your friend's comments upset you, it would be reasonable to say something like, "I know you mean well and want to help me, but I would like you to believe me when I tell you that I am happy in my relationship exactly as it is, and I would like you to stop questioning that."
posted by Stacey at 1:26 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
All of that said, different people need different things out of relationships, and for some people "romance" looks very unlike "close friendship." Your friend might be one of those people, and more power to her if she is, but her standards of what a relationship should be, don't have to guide yours.
If you're happy in your relationship and it currently feels good and right to you and to him, then you're doing fine. If your friend's comments upset you, it would be reasonable to say something like, "I know you mean well and want to help me, but I would like you to believe me when I tell you that I am happy in my relationship exactly as it is, and I would like you to stop questioning that."
posted by Stacey at 1:26 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: What do *you* consider romance vs. what your *friend* considers romance? Are you getting what you want to get out of the relationship? If yes, your friend needs to mind their own damn business. If no, you need to tell your partner what you want (please don't make another human being try to guess or read your mind because that's lame).
I've been married to my best friend for 23 years this coming November. Y'know what makes me swoon? When he fills the gas tank in my car because he drove it last and noticed it was getting low. When he does my laundry because I've had a ridiculously busy week at work. When he gets a blanket for himself to watch a movie on the couch and brings one down for me, just in case I get chilly. When he fixes my tea for me while I'm in the shower. The things that a lot of people think are romantic, like buying flowers or jewelry or whatever (I don't even know) feel superficial and showy to me, and he knows that (because I told him) so he doesn't do those things.
What does your guy to do show you that he loves you? You have in-jokes, he makes you laugh, you have good sex, you feel comfortable...that sounds pretty darned good to me, but you're the one who has to judge, not me. If he makes you happy and content and you feel safe and loved? That's my metric.
posted by cooker girl at 1:28 PM on March 22, 2017 [28 favorites]
I've been married to my best friend for 23 years this coming November. Y'know what makes me swoon? When he fills the gas tank in my car because he drove it last and noticed it was getting low. When he does my laundry because I've had a ridiculously busy week at work. When he gets a blanket for himself to watch a movie on the couch and brings one down for me, just in case I get chilly. When he fixes my tea for me while I'm in the shower. The things that a lot of people think are romantic, like buying flowers or jewelry or whatever (I don't even know) feel superficial and showy to me, and he knows that (because I told him) so he doesn't do those things.
What does your guy to do show you that he loves you? You have in-jokes, he makes you laugh, you have good sex, you feel comfortable...that sounds pretty darned good to me, but you're the one who has to judge, not me. If he makes you happy and content and you feel safe and loved? That's my metric.
posted by cooker girl at 1:28 PM on March 22, 2017 [28 favorites]
OP, I'm not suggesting your friend is bad news because she doesn't understand what love looks like. I'm saying she's bad news because she told you your relationship is inadequate by her standards.
It's one thing to advise a friend to end their relationship because you think she's being abused or cheated on or ignored. What she did in criticizing your happy partnership with your boyfriend is something else, and I suspect it is more grounded in jealousy or drama-stirring than in caring about your welfare.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:28 PM on March 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
It's one thing to advise a friend to end their relationship because you think she's being abused or cheated on or ignored. What she did in criticizing your happy partnership with your boyfriend is something else, and I suspect it is more grounded in jealousy or drama-stirring than in caring about your welfare.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:28 PM on March 22, 2017 [4 favorites]
Maybe it's possible that your friend's comment was an awkward way of asking about your boyfriend's level of commitment. If you have a best friend who is the bee's knees and that person gets a fantastic job offer elsewhere, you'll say, "I'm going to miss you terribly and visit soon!" But if the two of you are in a love relationship, you say, "I hope I can find work there too," or at least, "Does that mean it's over for us?"
posted by lakeroon at 1:31 PM on March 22, 2017
posted by lakeroon at 1:31 PM on March 22, 2017
i happen to be the 'third wheel' to my best friends-- two people who think that PDA is gross; two people that use nicknames very privately; and two people who have very different friends and interests.
What I got to see as they got together was two people who got on the same relationship and romance page on their own terms.
I knew Betty was smitten because I had never seen her try so Damn hard to grow as a person; and I knew Bill was smitten as he accepted some crazy friend dynamics while never judging or getting jealous.
They did it together and they did with understanding that certainly developed into a lifelong love-- even though many outsiders don't notice how deep and how loving that relationship became...
posted by calgirl at 1:38 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
What I got to see as they got together was two people who got on the same relationship and romance page on their own terms.
I knew Betty was smitten because I had never seen her try so Damn hard to grow as a person; and I knew Bill was smitten as he accepted some crazy friend dynamics while never judging or getting jealous.
They did it together and they did with understanding that certainly developed into a lifelong love-- even though many outsiders don't notice how deep and how loving that relationship became...
posted by calgirl at 1:38 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
Your friend. That statement says something about them and their deal, not you and yours. If you must unpack it, feel free but do so but only in order to understand whether this person is a true friend or is some kind of negging gaslighter with tendencies of emotional vampirism. It's natural at this stage of a relationship to kind of take stock... but the stock you've listed here sounds good!
posted by amanda at 1:38 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by amanda at 1:38 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There's a story that my wife likes to tell about us. Every guy she dated before me was apparently really moody and mercurial, so she had this idea that a relationship requires a lot of anxiety and instability. So around three months in, she started getting worried that our relationship didn't fit that model. She wanted to have a Very Serious Conversation, during which she said "it's like we're just good friends who have sex." To which I apparently shrugged and said, "sounds pretty good."
That's what I think about your relationship too. Sounds pretty good.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:39 PM on March 22, 2017 [27 favorites]
That's what I think about your relationship too. Sounds pretty good.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:39 PM on March 22, 2017 [27 favorites]
I agree with everyone who says that your friend is behaving badly. Don't let her make you doubt what sounds like a great relationship.
This part seems extra interesting to you: "We spend a lot of time together, have a lot of fun and good sex, but he's not the most romantic person in the world, in large part because he's not very emotional. ... My boyfriend and I laugh all the time and have a ton of inside jokes. ... I also have noticed that the longer we've been together, the better our relationship has been and the more he has opened up to me. "
So what is he NOT doing that makes you or your friend think he isn't romantic? Saying that he loves you? Public displays of affection? Gifts?
Our problematic faves, the love languages, may play a part in this. If he is giving you want you want and need, and you are giving him what he wants and needs, you're in a pretty happy romantic relationship, even if it doesn't look very romantic to friends who think there's only one way to be romantic.
posted by rosebuddy at 1:42 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
This part seems extra interesting to you: "We spend a lot of time together, have a lot of fun and good sex, but he's not the most romantic person in the world, in large part because he's not very emotional. ... My boyfriend and I laugh all the time and have a ton of inside jokes. ... I also have noticed that the longer we've been together, the better our relationship has been and the more he has opened up to me. "
So what is he NOT doing that makes you or your friend think he isn't romantic? Saying that he loves you? Public displays of affection? Gifts?
Our problematic faves, the love languages, may play a part in this. If he is giving you want you want and need, and you are giving him what he wants and needs, you're in a pretty happy romantic relationship, even if it doesn't look very romantic to friends who think there's only one way to be romantic.
posted by rosebuddy at 1:42 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: From a Mefite who wishes to remain anonymous:
My wife and I act pretty much exactly as you describe, except theposted by LobsterMitten at 1:52 PM on March 22, 2017 [16 favorites]
genders are swapped. We're great friends, we love hanging out
together. The sex is good. She's just not a romantic person and a lot
of the giddy cuddly intimacy stuff from my other relationships doesn't
happen with her.
But you'll see that I referred to her as my wife, and that's for good
reason. We complementary (but not always complimentary) mindsets that
approach problems from radically different angles - which is a great
thing to have in a life partner that's supposed to help you sort out
your difficulties and vice-versa. We save and spend money the same
way. We agree that children aren't something we want, and that pets
are. 95% of the time we can even agree what to watch on TV.
Romance is only one facet of many when it comes to relationships.
In many AskMe relationship questions the ask-er leaves a laundry list
of "my partner does this and that and the other that I don't like - is
it salvageable?" Yours is surprisingly upbeat and you didn't list a
single strong negative about this guy. Sounds to me like everything's
going right and other people should perhaps kindly butt out of your
business.
Romance is often phony and ephemeral, friendship is real and lasting.
posted by mermayd at 2:05 PM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 2:05 PM on March 22, 2017 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Of course it is POSSIBLE to have friendship chemistry without love chemistry (since that is what a good platonic friendship is). However, I think the ideal romantic relationship combines both friendship and love/sex chemistry, and it sounds like from your description, your relationship does that for you.
I have to wonder if your friend is one of those people who things "true love" only exists when people have "passionate" (i.e. drama and screaming-filled) fights or when the man (and it's always the man) showers the woman with expensive gifts and flowers. Sure, some people want those things, but lots of us would just like an easy-going, happy, fun relationship and we don't need all the glitz, glamour, and drama of television/movie style relationships. This is 100% legitimate and doesn't mean that you guys don't have long-term potential!
That said, if this is really bugging you (versus bugging your friend!), I think it is perfectly fine to have a conversation with your boyfriend and ASK him whether he sees long term potential in your relationship, where he sees you guys in the future, etc. and share your own feelings on those matters. It sounds like you guys have only been dating seriously for 5 months, so I don't think this is like, an urgent matter -- you can also just see how things go and enjoy the ride -- but I also don't think it hurts to put out some feelers on this and just sort of see where he is with this if it's something you are worrying about.
I will also add that if you're feeling particular romantic gestures would make you happy, it is okay to ask for those gestures (and really does not make them less romantic, I promise!). You might also check out the "Love Languages" website and see where you fall on it and where your boyfriend falls on it...it sounds sort of hokey but I think it can actually provide some really useful insights about times when couples might be talking past each other in their ways of being romantic/loving. For example, one person might feel they were showing love by doing the grocery shopping, versus another who does it by a really good hug, versus another by buying flowers. Knowing what's most natural to your partner, and also what your partner most prefers, can be really helpful.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:10 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have to wonder if your friend is one of those people who things "true love" only exists when people have "passionate" (i.e. drama and screaming-filled) fights or when the man (and it's always the man) showers the woman with expensive gifts and flowers. Sure, some people want those things, but lots of us would just like an easy-going, happy, fun relationship and we don't need all the glitz, glamour, and drama of television/movie style relationships. This is 100% legitimate and doesn't mean that you guys don't have long-term potential!
That said, if this is really bugging you (versus bugging your friend!), I think it is perfectly fine to have a conversation with your boyfriend and ASK him whether he sees long term potential in your relationship, where he sees you guys in the future, etc. and share your own feelings on those matters. It sounds like you guys have only been dating seriously for 5 months, so I don't think this is like, an urgent matter -- you can also just see how things go and enjoy the ride -- but I also don't think it hurts to put out some feelers on this and just sort of see where he is with this if it's something you are worrying about.
I will also add that if you're feeling particular romantic gestures would make you happy, it is okay to ask for those gestures (and really does not make them less romantic, I promise!). You might also check out the "Love Languages" website and see where you fall on it and where your boyfriend falls on it...it sounds sort of hokey but I think it can actually provide some really useful insights about times when couples might be talking past each other in their ways of being romantic/loving. For example, one person might feel they were showing love by doing the grocery shopping, versus another who does it by a really good hug, versus another by buying flowers. Knowing what's most natural to your partner, and also what your partner most prefers, can be really helpful.
posted by rainbowbrite at 2:10 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
My take on this is that some people are socialized by soap operas.
Calm people are inscrutable to the soap opera socialized who have drama as their only script for understanding life.
Me, I like the long silent closeups where you can see an eye starting to crinkle along some laugh lines as a thought forms but is left unexpressed because it is already known to the one who matters.
posted by srboisvert at 2:44 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
Calm people are inscrutable to the soap opera socialized who have drama as their only script for understanding life.
Me, I like the long silent closeups where you can see an eye starting to crinkle along some laugh lines as a thought forms but is left unexpressed because it is already known to the one who matters.
posted by srboisvert at 2:44 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
...it feels good and right to me.
Go with your gut. Your friend sounds like they buy into the fairy-tale idea of romance, which feels REALLY good but wears off quick.
You know what my husband thought was the sweetest thing I've ever done? Recently, he was vomiting violently on an airplane (from a medication), and I made sure he had water and bread and I rubbed his back as I gave death glares to the other passengers glaring at him (the guy sharing a row with us politely ignored us, which I appreciated. Thanks, random guy!) He's seen me literally shit the bed when I had an intestinal infection after traveling in Central America, and the fact that he searched the hospital for a chair to sleep next to me while all of that was happening made me cry.
If you think you can handle the gross shit, that's love. If you think love is the movie shit, you're wrong.
(If you're keeping track on answers, I've been married about 4 years.)
posted by AlisonM at 2:52 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
Go with your gut. Your friend sounds like they buy into the fairy-tale idea of romance, which feels REALLY good but wears off quick.
You know what my husband thought was the sweetest thing I've ever done? Recently, he was vomiting violently on an airplane (from a medication), and I made sure he had water and bread and I rubbed his back as I gave death glares to the other passengers glaring at him (the guy sharing a row with us politely ignored us, which I appreciated. Thanks, random guy!) He's seen me literally shit the bed when I had an intestinal infection after traveling in Central America, and the fact that he searched the hospital for a chair to sleep next to me while all of that was happening made me cry.
If you think you can handle the gross shit, that's love. If you think love is the movie shit, you're wrong.
(If you're keeping track on answers, I've been married about 4 years.)
posted by AlisonM at 2:52 PM on March 22, 2017 [6 favorites]
Best answer: What do you personally define as romance? You mention that your guy isn't very romantic, but in my own definition of romance, fun and laughing and lots of inside jokes and a slow build into intimacy is intensely romantic. It seems like you're defining romantic as the candy-flowers-large gestures-frequent declarations of affection sort of thing--which is fine for some people! Some folks really like that kind of thing, but it's not the only way to be romantic. If you don't want those things, and you feel happy and safe and loved and respected, then I think you're getting what you need out of this relationship. And if you do want those things, then I bet you could ask for more of them.
I've been with my person for about 6 years now. We are very much in love, we have a zillion inside jokes, he's slowly opened up to me over the years, and we occasionally have small, normal arguments. We communicate when we need something to be different, and we have a lot of fun together. We share space really well. We appreciate the other's communication style and need for alone time. We have a good sex. We go on adventures together. To the outside observer, I think we seem pretty cute, but no one would accuse of us of being romantic. And this works really, really well for me. It probably wouldn't for some of my friends, but hey, this is my relationship, not theirs! Just like your relationship with your guy is yours, not your friends'. Don't listen to her; she can't see what it's really like between the two of you (because no one ever can; the only people who can tell what's going on in a relationship is the people in that relationship, if they're lucky), and her definition of long-term potential is going to be different than yours.
I'm pleased for you, though. It sounds like you have a great relationship.
posted by Illuminated Clocks at 3:04 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've been with my person for about 6 years now. We are very much in love, we have a zillion inside jokes, he's slowly opened up to me over the years, and we occasionally have small, normal arguments. We communicate when we need something to be different, and we have a lot of fun together. We share space really well. We appreciate the other's communication style and need for alone time. We have a good sex. We go on adventures together. To the outside observer, I think we seem pretty cute, but no one would accuse of us of being romantic. And this works really, really well for me. It probably wouldn't for some of my friends, but hey, this is my relationship, not theirs! Just like your relationship with your guy is yours, not your friends'. Don't listen to her; she can't see what it's really like between the two of you (because no one ever can; the only people who can tell what's going on in a relationship is the people in that relationship, if they're lucky), and her definition of long-term potential is going to be different than yours.
I'm pleased for you, though. It sounds like you have a great relationship.
posted by Illuminated Clocks at 3:04 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
I have been married for 19 years (I'm not old, though! It goes by fast, that's all!) and I think what you have described sounds pretty ideal, if you ask me. You want to be "vibrating on the same frequency", I think.
posted by My Dad at 3:57 PM on March 22, 2017
posted by My Dad at 3:57 PM on March 22, 2017
The other day a good friend of mine told me that she felt like my boyfriend and I were "just friends"
Um, who cares what she feels about your relationship? The important thing is what you and your boyfriend feel, and if thing are as you describe them here, that's a pretty romantic relationship.
If this kind of undermining comment is typical of your "friend," than that is the relationship you should be questioning. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are fine.
posted by rpfields at 4:59 PM on March 22, 2017
Um, who cares what she feels about your relationship? The important thing is what you and your boyfriend feel, and if thing are as you describe them here, that's a pretty romantic relationship.
If this kind of undermining comment is typical of your "friend," than that is the relationship you should be questioning. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are fine.
posted by rpfields at 4:59 PM on March 22, 2017
My partner and I are incredibly thoughtful, emotional, and romantic with each other but you would never guess just seeing us out with our friends. Some people aren't PDA people and your friend seems judgmental/presumptuous.
posted by coldbabyshrimp at 5:04 PM on March 22, 2017
posted by coldbabyshrimp at 5:04 PM on March 22, 2017
Best answer: Together with my "friend" for 35 years now. And I can tell you, during ALL those years, the friendship is what got us through the tough times. We agree on all the big stuff, like finances, goals, and what it takes to be a decent person in this world. Neither of us go in for those big public displays of romance, and many times one of us will say "Hey, didn't we have an anniversary last week?" I think it's much more important that we are both independent, well-rounded individuals who really do enjoy our time together. That's friendship, not romance. And after all this time, we are slightly mistrustful of those couples who seem to be so overly (to us) affectionate/romantic.
posted by raisingsand at 5:45 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by raisingsand at 5:45 PM on March 22, 2017 [2 favorites]
Best answer: 17 years with my husband (13 married as of yesterday) and I can say that romance is nice, and important to show sometimes, but absolutely is not the only factor that sustains the relationship. Feeling happy together, feeling able to be yourself - and feeling generally happy about who you are, having fun together, openness and honesty, mutual respect... all that's what keeps it going. The difference between romance and friendship is up to you to define, and I think it may be unique to each relationship. I guess I think of it as being in a partnership, romance being just one component of what we provide to each other. There is an emotional intimacy that goes much deeper than just romance or friendship. Sounds like you have the beginnings of a solid partnership, and I wish you joy of each other.
posted by AliceBlue at 5:50 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by AliceBlue at 5:50 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
I've been together with my husband for 16 years (married eight). A lot of things about our relationship might not look very romantic on the outside. For example, I had to count back just now to answer this question because we dont celebrate anniversaries. Also I lost the diamond out of my wedding ring about 4 months in to our marriage (I am terrible about stuff like that, always have been, I'm so clumsy and I'm always doing really physically demanding work). Rather than replace the expensive diamond, we put the money into buying our first home. I've been wearing my "temporary" ring for 8 years now. For us its not about all the trappings of a stereotypical marriage/romance, its all about our friendship. My husband is my best friend and my only real family. He makes me laugh every day. He's absolutely the love of my life.
Relationships are every bit as individual as the people involved in them, and definitely work best if you 100% ignore what everyone else tells you they are supposed to be like.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:54 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
Relationships are every bit as individual as the people involved in them, and definitely work best if you 100% ignore what everyone else tells you they are supposed to be like.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 7:54 PM on March 22, 2017 [1 favorite]
We spend a lot of time together, have a lot of fun and good sex, but he's not the most romantic person in the world, in large part because he's not very emotional. The other day a good friend of mine told me that she felt like my boyfriend and I were "just friends" and that she didn't think I should be very invested in a long term commitment with him.
Your friend is perhaps a) jealous b) a little too hung up on movie romances or the like.
If I were you, my response to your friend would have been a fairly explicit reference to ALL THE GREAT SEX HE AND I ARE HAVING that is quite different from the sort of things I do with "just a friend", and confusion over her weirdly irrelevant and uninformed opinions about the long-term commitment potential.
posted by desuetude at 11:38 PM on March 22, 2017
Your friend is perhaps a) jealous b) a little too hung up on movie romances or the like.
If I were you, my response to your friend would have been a fairly explicit reference to ALL THE GREAT SEX HE AND I ARE HAVING that is quite different from the sort of things I do with "just a friend", and confusion over her weirdly irrelevant and uninformed opinions about the long-term commitment potential.
posted by desuetude at 11:38 PM on March 22, 2017
I have ended a long term relationshup - an engagement - because my sexual attraction to him had fizzled completely but our lives were happy and we were the best of friends. That does not sound like your situation. I don't think your friend is a jerk but maybe inexperienced with relationships.
posted by pintapicasso at 6:41 AM on March 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by pintapicasso at 6:41 AM on March 23, 2017 [1 favorite]
Been with my husband 15 years, married 13. Nthing everyone above. I'm the "non-romantic" one in our relationship. We are not at all cuddly or affectionate in public, we don't do valentines day or anything like that.
We have a rock solid relationship, great and frequent sex, an awesome kid, and shared goals and hopes for the future. Your new relationship sounds a lot like the start of ours.
posted by gaspode at 7:00 AM on March 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
We have a rock solid relationship, great and frequent sex, an awesome kid, and shared goals and hopes for the future. Your new relationship sounds a lot like the start of ours.
posted by gaspode at 7:00 AM on March 23, 2017 [2 favorites]
Your friend isn't a jerk at all!! It sounds like she want very best for you and is afraid you might be settling for a life without romance.
posted by serena15221 at 1:16 PM on March 23, 2017
posted by serena15221 at 1:16 PM on March 23, 2017
Please don't dismiss your friend. Please. There are way too many losses in this world to dismiss someone who shared an observation she thought was important and valuable to you.
Love your friend. Love your man. You can't have it all, but enjoy what you do have.
posted by Capri at 10:35 PM on March 23, 2017
Love your friend. Love your man. You can't have it all, but enjoy what you do have.
posted by Capri at 10:35 PM on March 23, 2017
This thread is closed to new comments.
Your relationship sounds very romantic to me.
posted by chaiminda at 12:41 PM on March 22, 2017 [116 favorites]