He's 25, I'm 36...

March 21, 2017 10:25 AM

and he might be interested in somebody else. Should I tell him how I feel anyway?

We're both gay and on a recently formed community LGBT kickball team. At our very first practice I didn't think much of J, but as I've interacted with him more, he's grown on me more.
I'm starting to find that J is a compassionate, cute guy with an open heart, although still a bit young and naive. Truth be told though that we don't have much in common so far as I have seen.

Over the past week I've been considering whether or not to continue with this kickball team for unrelated reasons. Therefore, I've also been trying to decide whether or not to tell J how I feel. Although we're friends on Facebook, I think it better to say it in person. I've thought about telling him he's cute and just leaving it at that, whether or not I do decide to carry on with kickball, because if I'm too assertive that might affect the dynamics of the team.

After practice (which I didn't attend) this past Sunday the group went together for lunch, and J sat across from B, another member of our team who like J is in his 20s. Of course, that isn't a big deal -- but perhaps something happened over that lunch, because last night I see on FB that B visited J at his workplace (a restaurant) and J gave him a free slice of pie. B's status just says that he was "hanging out" with J, but I can't help but wonder if they're interested in each other since they're so similar. It's entirely possible that B was looking for some dinner and just decided to go to J's workplace, but it's also possible that he went there for a reason and J wanted to see him there.

So should I tell J I'm also interested in him, even with the possible budding romance between him and B? Wouldn't it be futile anyway, seeing as I'm so much older than him and I'm thinking of leaving the team? Am I reading too much into B's dinner at J's work? Would I be stepping on B's toes if I said / did anything? Should / could I ask J about their meeting last night (I ask him jokingly "Does everyone on the team get a free slice of pie?") on Facebook?

I can't believe I'm wasting a question on this...

posted by ditto75 to Human Relations (16 answers total)

I think you're reading way too much into everything.

If you're interested in J, why not just ask him out? Go on a date, see how it goes. Or don't go on a date, and then you have your answer.

You don't know anything about what's going on between J and B. That isn't your problem to solve.
posted by J. Wilson at 10:32 AM on March 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

You don't sound like you respect J. I'm not sure if I described that correctly? I wouldn't think that was such a huge age discrepancy, you talk about it in fairly pejorative terms. Calling another adult "young and naive" is demeaning. I know what you are getting at there, but no, you should not try to date J.
posted by jbenben at 10:33 AM on March 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Also

"Should / could I ask J about their meeting last night (I ask him jokingly "Does everyone on the team get a free slice of pie?") on Facebook?"

Unless you are good friends, that will come off as mean-spirited and jealous.
posted by jbenben at 10:35 AM on March 21, 2017 [15 favorites]

I wouldn't think that was such a huge age discrepancy

Oh man, I do. I'm 35 and even dating 29 year olds is...I mean I know sometimes it's fine, but for most of the ones I've been out with recently it's been very, very clear that those 5-6 years are very important, in terms of life-experience, and since experience can be a kind of power...

I'm a lesbian though, so I have no idea how that translates across the homo divide. Anecdotally I've noticed lots more male homosexual relationships with 10+ years age differences than female homosexual relationships with anything close to that.

I mean, as always, if you like the guy, ask him out. Worst case scenario he says no in a way that reveals him to be someone you wouldn't want to go out with anyway. And if he's just not interested, you move on.

I suppose I'm more wondering why this particular situation is causing you so much angst? I get the sense that you know this is sort of a...how to put this...younger person amount of angst with which to imbue a single crush.
posted by schadenfrau at 10:42 AM on March 21, 2017 [6 favorites]

You're not asking the guy to marry you. Tell him you were wondering if he'd like to have lunch or a drink sometime soon. If he says yes, see how that goes. Maybe you just have a good lunch, maybe you make a friend, maybe you go out again. Hold off on marriage a while.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:53 AM on March 21, 2017 [7 favorites]

I agree with Schadenfrau. 25 and 36 are actually a big age difference in terms of maturity, life experience, and what you want out of a relationship.

There's no harm in asking him out, but, I wouldn't expect a serious relationship to form dating someone so much younger...
posted by Hanuman1960 at 11:09 AM on March 21, 2017 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: You don't know anything about what's going on between J and B. That isn't your problem to solve.

It's not a problem...yet. What if it turns out that B is wanting to make a move on J and I do too? That could hurt the dynamics of our team, if I choose to stay in it, and depending on how J reacts to both of us.

I suppose I'm more wondering why this particular situation is causing you so much angst?

For one thing, I worry that this might affect my relationship with the other teammates. I initially joined up to play kickball, not to hit on anyone. Again, it might affect my standing / relationship with the other teammates.

For another thing, it's been years since I've been on a date and I don't even know if that one years ago even counts as a date...very inexperienced here. I might as well be a young person when it comes to stuff like this.

Maybe I left some details out. I won't threadsit but if something needs clarification let me know.
posted by ditto75 at 11:25 AM on March 21, 2017

I'm gay and I say go for it. It's just a date, not a proposal. If people on the team are so immature that it would upset the dynamic, why do you want to be on that team? If it turns out you really don't have much in common, then why can't you just be friends? B and J are both adults, you're not stepping on anyone's toes unless they secretly eloped while you were writing this question. If J is into B then he'll most likely turn down your date.

I don't think the age difference is as big of a deal in the gay community. I'm 42 and I've dated 30 year olds. If they've got their shit together, who cares?
posted by AFABulous at 11:46 AM on March 21, 2017 [4 favorites]

you're way overthinking this, especially since you're considering leaving the team anyway. also, you're all adults, and can make decisions of your own free will.

ask him out. if he says no, you have your answer. if he says yes, rock on. if b also wants to make a move, let him. if it changes the team dynamic, well, you were thinking of leaving anyway, so find another team or try another thing you want to do instead. or stay on the team and tell everyone to grow the fuck up and stay out ya business.
posted by koroshiya at 11:53 AM on March 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Dude, overthinking this big time. If you want to date him put on your confidence shirt and ask him on a date before this other guy does. I don't think you should ask him out though because it doesn't seem like you view him as a respected equal. YMMV but no relationship I've been in where I didn't really respect my partner has lasted.
posted by coldbabyshrimp at 12:11 PM on March 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

Ask him out, but have a plan B - and your plan B should be to get on the internet and get dating. Seriously, I think the reason you're getting so knotted over this is that you haven't been on a date in years. You're obviously up for dating someone, and as great as J is there are dozens of guys just as great within a few miles of you right now (you're living somewhere with a big enough LGBT community to support a kickball team! I don't even know what kickball is!).

Good luck with J, but remember there are lots of guys out there who would love to meet you.
posted by matthew.alexander at 12:31 PM on March 21, 2017 [9 favorites]

well, what are you after? Do you want practice flirting/asking someone out without much pressure, because you're not already in love with him and you've thought of several logical reasons he might say no that won't reflect on you at all? in that case, do it, the situation is perfect. But if you're trying to psych yourself out by convincing yourself he'll definitely say No, just be sure that you'll still be happy if he says Yes. since he might.

Do: commit to leaving the team if something goes wrong and it gets very uncomfortable. It probably won't, though.
Don't: just assume that whatever's up with him and B will necessarily stop cold just because he says Yes to you, because youth these days.
Also don't: assume he'll intuit whether you want to just sleep with him or date him or just flirt with him.

It doesn't matter who else is interested in him as long as there's nothing official. J will say yes to the one he wants, not to the one who asked first.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:11 PM on March 21, 2017

I'm 19 years younger than my husband. I pursued him and did all the pushy asking and talking a decade or so ago. it worked out just fine. Talk to him.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 1:41 PM on March 21, 2017 [1 favorite]

I'm married to a guy 17 years younger than me. We've been together 12 years or so now. The age isn't the issue. The issue is you're acting like the 25 year old. Ask him on a date, make it clear it's a date, if he says yes what is between him and another guy is not your problem unless they are already openly a couple. If he says no thanks you have an answer. The hard part in all this is to not be weird if he says no, which is what you have to be able to do.
posted by wwax at 2:43 PM on March 21, 2017 [2 favorites]

When I was in my mid twenties, I dated men 30 years older and they were lovers, not sugar daddies. I wonder why you believe a 10 year difference is that big a deal.

I think you should stay away from J, not because there's anything wrong in asking him out, but because you have so many preventions about him already formed in your head and don't even consider him your equal.

As for reading into the meaning of a free slice of pie on his Facebook pages, I hope you realize how immature that makes you sound.

I can't believe I'm wasting a question on this...
posted by Kwadeng at 1:34 AM on March 22, 2017

And how do you even know how they sat at lunch last Sunday, since you were not there?
posted by Kwadeng at 1:42 AM on March 22, 2017