Do you want to hang out?

January 12, 2006 4:49 PM

How do you feel when someone you don't know asks you out?

I haven't done it myself, but it seems like such a vast untapped resource, people I come in daily contact with, pretty girls my age. It seems a little creepy and velvet-jacketed. Like buying someone a drink at a bar. Do I have the right idea, stay away, or should I give it a try despite my reservations?

posted by The Jesse Helms to human relations (47 comments total)

Assume 9 out of 10 girls find it creepy. So what? You don't know them. You'll never see them again. And it might be worth it if the other girl goes out with you. So... good idea. Just be prepared for a lot of rejection.
posted by smackfu at 4:52 PM on January 12, 2006

The problem with asking out someone you don't know is that they've got nothing to go by. Meaning, if someone comes up to me and asks me to go to coffee or something, the only way I'll decide to say "yes" or "no" depends on my mood and how attractive I think they are in the split-second I'm thinking about it.

There's no harm in asking, but if you sort of give off creepy vibes or aren't really attractive/interesting looking enough to catch someone's eye, you'll probably be rejected flat out.
posted by booknerd at 4:53 PM on January 12, 2006

Uh... You should probably make small talk first. But then, y'know, sometimes they'll be digging you and sometimes not. I think that girls generally use situational decision making, rather than having a broad rule.
posted by klangklangston at 4:56 PM on January 12, 2006

Rationalist analysis: if they're really 'strange strangers', ie., not just someone you don't talk to but someone you're unlikely to bump into again, you might as well try it since you want to. If it tends to flop majorly then you'll realize that it's not that much of a resource. It can't hurt anyone much. You get to try and learn; she gets a date or a good story. Of course, a cost-benefit analysis isn't all there is to the situation. Do you have a fragile ego, do you hate alarming other people, etc. comes into the situation too. I wouldn't worry too much about the reaction of the girl before trying it, it's unlikely to scar her for life.
posted by Firas at 4:56 PM on January 12, 2006

Also, this isn't exactly an exotic way of going about things. It is after all what 'picking up' someone refers to.
posted by Firas at 4:58 PM on January 12, 2006

Define "asking out". Are you referring to being asked to a simple dinner & a movie date, a Mystery Cab Ride/one night stand, or committing to date someone just to be dating with someone? If the askee seems genuinely interested in conversation and hanging out with you on a more common basis, accept it with flattery. If you're merely recruited for a quick bonk, or to serve as fill-in boyfriend, shrug it off politely if you're uncomfortable. If they're asking you outside because they want to fight you, you're on your own.
posted by Smart Dalek at 5:01 PM on January 12, 2006

Either they have an easy answer like: I have a boyfriend.

Or they make one up real quick because you're scary.

Or they more or less say "okay" and it goes from there. It might go straight into 2 weeks of phone tag that amount to nothing. Or you might meet for a coffee, at which point you better get past "square one" real damn quick, after which point you *do* know each other and that's all done with.
posted by scarabic at 5:01 PM on January 12, 2006

The only time I was tempted to say yes to a stranger was a guy who approached me on the street, flirted very briefly, and said that he was visiting from out of town and waiting for the friends he was staying with to get back home, and he was planning on getting some wine at a nearby cafe in the meantime and wanted to know if I would join him. It was laidback, and had a reasonably definite endtime.

The laidback vibe, however, probably came from the fact that he was obviously stoned, and since I had just broken up with a couch-surfing stoner, I wasn't eager to go down that road again.

I *hate* it when strange guys hand me their phone numbers on the assumption that I'll do the work to set up another meeting (I never have). But I think the "I'm on my way to get coffee/wine/lunch, wanna join me?" might work.
posted by occhiblu at 5:02 PM on January 12, 2006

flattered
posted by matteo at 5:03 PM on January 12, 2006

Wait a second! "Creepy and velvet jacketed"?

Should I not be wearing my favorite velvet jacket no more?

Anyway, if the chick is hot, nothing creepy about it to me.

I think men get less creeped out than women in this situation.

That's why we think we need good lines.
posted by SwingingJohnson1968 at 5:03 PM on January 12, 2006

I second klangklangston's small talk first approach. But even before that you can get a good feel for whether they return any eye contact. My friends always told me to catch their eye two or three times before approaching. That's more of a bar/club kind of rule. For places like bookstores or your corner grocer, a smile is also a great sign.

Consider that they want to keep it civil as well. Let them choose whether to continue the conversation after a little friendly banter. Then rejection usually isn't terribly dramatic or painful.
posted by smbird at 5:04 PM on January 12, 2006

Oh, and as a guy, being approached by a guy or girl is always infrequent but flattering.
posted by smbird at 5:05 PM on January 12, 2006

"Hi! I'm Bob! Let's bang!"

That works 1 out of 100 times for me. As long as it's near closing time.
posted by SwingingJohnson1968 at 5:06 PM on January 12, 2006

Oh, wait. My bad - you're doing the asking, right? Don't rush into things, as it conveys desperation/creepiness. If you meet someone, chat them up. Light conversation, nothing forced. If things seem to click, tell them you enjoyed the time you spent and ask if they'd like to talk again over dinner. If they decline, take it in stride, but don't hit up the next person you see - that's considerably desperate/creepy.
posted by Smart Dalek at 5:07 PM on January 12, 2006

It weirds me out. I never said yes to somebody I didn't know. Passing acquaintances, however, are a different thing.
posted by moira at 5:10 PM on January 12, 2006

If you'll indulge me in greatly over-romanticising the issue...

One day, back in 1896, I was crossing over to Jersey on a ferry and as we pulled out, there was another ferry pulling in - and on it, there was a girl waiting to get off. A white dress she had on - and she was carrying white parasol - and I only saw her for one second and she didn't see me at all - but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought of that girl.

Inspired me to take a few chances I otherwise might not have. Just make sure you go for it if you think you might really regret not doing so, if you know what I mean.
posted by ed\26h at 5:11 PM on January 12, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I have a friend who's not particularly good-looking (in my opinion, but I'm a fellow straight male, so what do I know) and can be something of a bore when he gets on one of his hobbyhorses, but he's had remarkable success chatting up women he meets on subways, in museums, etc., and getting dates (and in one case a marriage) out of it. I don't know his secret, but I'm providing a data point to counter the "chicks are scared of strangers" line.
posted by languagehat at 5:11 PM on January 12, 2006

I am a woman and would probably be creeped out a little by it -- but it really depends on the approach. If a guy marched up to me and was like, "Hi, I'm Bob. Go out with me. please?" I'd be like "Ew."
But, if a guy chatted me up a bit in the grocery store about something innocuous and then on the way out said something like, "Hey, I'm new in town and don't really know too many people... would you like to get some coffee sometime?" That would probably be okay.
posted by j at 5:20 PM on January 12, 2006

I went out with someone I didn't know once. He was awfully cute, and I had nothing better to do that evening. And he prefaced the invitation with, "we'll have to take separate cars, of course, 'cause you don't know me from Adam." It was all so cute and self-conscious and awkward.

We dated for about a year. I learned to ski. It was good.

The urge to take that chance never struck me again, however.
posted by Uccellina at 5:21 PM on January 12, 2006

Why not give it a try? The worse that could happen is she could be an axe murderer and a few weeks later you end up as her next victim. You rarely have to go through the whole dance to know if you've got a chance. Look her (or him) straight in the eyes and smile. If she smiles back, all that's left is the leg work. Obviously you don't want to come on too strong but you definitely don't want to come off as shy or awkward. If you feel awkward then she'll feel a thousand times worse. The whole confidence thing is much more important when she's a complete stranger. Also, don't offer to buy her a $1.50 newspaper. She'll just laugh at you, shake her head, and then walk away.

How could you regret not asking out a complete stranger, ed? Does that quote come from some psycho-stalker type?
posted by nixerman at 5:24 PM on January 12, 2006

Regret knows no bounds. The quote is from Citizen Kane.
posted by Firas at 5:28 PM on January 12, 2006

I must second ed\26h with his story about the girl in white. I've been "hit by the thunderbolt" twice in my life and never did anything about it. Regretted it and have since vowed to do something if it ever happens again.

But if you're not hit by a thunderbolt, or some compelling reason to talk to her, it's kind of creepy.
posted by nessahead at 5:31 PM on January 12, 2006

I feel like j does. An absolute total stranger? That would be weird. Someone I knew from the bus, or the grocery store, or from my block would likely be okay, especially if the guy was pretty up front about being like "look, I know this is sort of odd, but I'd like to get to know you better...." or whatever. That part is what separates the truly socially awkward and creepy folks who don't know any better than to ask out total strangers, and the endearing nerd who has been trying to muster up the courage to meet me.
posted by jessamyn at 5:35 PM on January 12, 2006

There are more things in Heaven and Earth, jessamyn,
than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 5:43 PM on January 12, 2006

I originally started my dreadlocks so that random strangers at the bus stop would stop asking me out, if that's helpful. It worked.
posted by jessamyn at 5:45 PM on January 12, 2006

I'd be more likely to go for coffee with a total stranger than someone I run into all the time, because if that doesn't work out it's awkward. A small date, like coffee or a drink is best though.
posted by fshgrl at 5:48 PM on January 12, 2006

I think, basically, if you can have enough of a sense of humor and general style while doing it, you can get past a lot of her "Ohmigod, what does this guy want with me?" wariness.

But then again, I'm nice. I figure anyone who talks to me non-abusively deserves to be listened to and more-or-less humored.

And your success might also depend on where you live. New Englanders are not known for being friendly to strangers who approach them, whereas San Francisco seems to thrive on it.
posted by occhiblu at 5:48 PM on January 12, 2006

I won't say don't go for it, but if you practice on a RealDoll or something first you might have more success.
posted by thirteenkiller at 5:54 PM on January 12, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

A friend of mine (woman) was once proposed to by a complete stranger on the street. As in, seriously asking for her hand in marriage. She thought it was funny (so he presumably had some kind of charm), and estimated that he probably only had to ask about 50 women before one would agree just for the hell of it.

Assuming he can find 5 suitable people to ask in an afternoon wandering around, then that's two weeks to find himself a wife.

So yeah, you can get a date that way. Just be cute rather than striking (since striking can seem intimidating under the circumstances), charming, and be prepared to shrug off some rejection while looking for the perfect woman. (The perfect woman herein defined as "A woman who is highly spontanious and willing to take a few risks in life." :-)

And the suggestion above is good too - already have a plan. Don't say "Would you like to go out on a date?", say "I'm doing XYZ and [some kind of invitation]"
posted by -harlequin- at 5:58 PM on January 12, 2006

i'm a girl who hasn't ever been asked out in person by a stranger in the USA (skeezy guys in Europe seem to gravitate to me), but if i was asked i would probably feel flattered. if the asker wasn't totally unappealing & i didn't have anything else to do, i'd definitely go.

you didn't specify where you 'don't know' the pretty girls from... it's more acceptable, i've noticed, to ask someone out cold if you find them on the Internet. getting asked out at random by someone on a sidewalk would feel like much more of a big deal to me than getting asked out by someone who found my profile somewhere.

i'm with klangklangston in thinking it would be best for you to make small talk for a minute first, rather than sneaking up on her with a "wanna go out?!" i definitely think you should give it a try, though. you have nothing to lose!
posted by hyperfascinated at 6:01 PM on January 12, 2006

Faint heart ne'er fucked fair lady. Or something.
posted by lowlife at 6:31 PM on January 12, 2006

Strangers ask each other out all the time in:
1. The Safeway in a young, yuppie neighborhood in my city.
2. In the Whole Foods in my neighborhood when I lived in D.C.
3. The undergraduate library at my alma mater -- a state university with about 15,000 undergrads.
In those cases, it's almost a barlike atmosphere (flirting-wise), so maybe people are more prepared for it. But, really, what you're saying is no weirder than asking a woman out at a bar, except, presumably, neither of you is drunk.
posted by Airhen at 7:07 PM on January 12, 2006

A proposition from "cold" is unlikely to go down well, but as someone else alluded to, if you feel you will regret not doing something it's better to side with "do it." Whatever, do not "stay away."

There are easy ways to make quick acquaintances -

Make a chatty, social, throwaway remark. Weather, queuing, traffic, this coffee is great, look at that crazy guy across the street etc. If she responds at all positively then make her laugh with the next comment. Or at least try and put her at ease.

Wait for a reply. If she is laughing then you can step in, keep the momentum up, and suggest a date as she is still reacting to whatever you said at first. If she replies positively but doesn't laugh, either keep working or walk away. If she isn't laughing, or doesn't want to be bothered, then walk away.

There are certain topics - weather, traffic, poor service, business etc, which are all good for you to exploit. If you can lightheartedly groan in an empathetic way about something, she can respond, you can offer some wisdom which will crack her up, and when she's weak and giggly hit her with "Well you know, it's not nearly as busy in here at night, do you wanna.." or "I heard this ATM actually works on a Monday, we could..." She may answer positively immediately (yay) or say "Are you serious?" Just answer yes. Keep it as relatable, normal and as lighthearted as possible with as few straight ahead references to dating as possible, but without becoming Jim Carrey. Polite and mainstream humour. If she is smiling she will be more likely to accept, if she is laughing hard then she may even start to accept without really thinking. That's no bad thing - you're making her laugh. The really hard part - good humour and spontaneity - is down to you.

Keep it very upbeat and brief. I realise you weren't after a how-to, but it's too easy to think of a quick approach as a sleazy one, it needn't be the case.

Walking up to someone then trying to be intense and demanding a date because of destiny/myspace/whatever is almost always CREEPY but that doesn't mean quick encounters can't lead to something else and whatever you decide to do, doing it is better than not. Good luck.


I will now either have to change my username to Fabio or take a cold shower, but the sacrifice is worth it.
posted by fire&wings at 7:12 PM on January 12, 2006

When I was single in Boston, I was on the train on my way to class after work and it started pouring. Somehow I got into a conversation with a guy nearby, and I can't remember exactly how, but he very smoothly offered me his umbrella. I took it, but wanted to get it back to him and it ended up being a date. Sparks didn't fly or anything, but it was such a gentlemanlike, memorable gesture. I've gone out with other strangers who'd asked (to safe public places) and the worst that happened is that we had nothing in common.
I can't imagine being anything but flattered by a stranger asking me out. If the delivery or circumstances are awkward, I'd still be flattered. It's only annoying when someone asks in a way that's disrespectful.
posted by sophie at 7:25 PM on January 12, 2006

A stranger and I once struck up a conversation at a bookstore. He said he wanted coffee; did I want to join him at the lousy in-house cafe? I suggested we go across the street where the coffee was better.

He was, or claimed to be, from out of town. Eventually I had a class to get to. Contact info was exchanged on scraps of paper. No followups ensued, unless our spam filters ate them.

It didn't feel particularly datey, though. Just a very nice way to spend an hour and a half on a snowy evening.
posted by tangerine at 7:29 PM on January 12, 2006

Um, I mean unless my spam filter ate his followup. Obviously I'd have known if I'd sent him anything.
posted by tangerine at 7:34 PM on January 12, 2006

Someone needs to set Romeo and Juliet in the modern day, such that the priest's urgent message to Mantua is swallowed by Romeo's spam filter.
posted by -harlequin- at 8:02 PM on January 12, 2006

It happens to me quite a bit, and I must say that I don't like it one bit. Sometimes the guy will give me his number anyway, which I reluctantly accept and later trash. Really, it just kind of creeps me out, even if the guy is cute. I suppose that I'm distinguishing between total randoms and people you've somewhat chatted up in coffeeshops though.
posted by youarenothere at 8:14 PM on January 12, 2006

As a girl who has been hit on by strangers, I really wish less of them took the "I'll never see her again, so I might as well!" advice. No, you've got nothing to lose. But if you're thinking of the girl's feelings, it is rarely, rarely found flattering--at the best it's annoying, at the worst she is going to get very weirded out.

Granted, it has a lot to do with how you approach it. If you're attractive and you have the magic the magic very awkward I'm-completely-harmless-and-shy-and-cute-and-couldn't-hurt-a-fly charm and say straight out "I know this is weird and might seem creepy but . . ." it might work. Otherwise, you are Unless you have , you are Skeevemaster Zero of the Planet Creep-O-Tron.

Your best approach? Treat her like you were being friendly to a member of the sex you're not attracted to. Go up and talk to her but do not send off those "Golly, I want to bang you so let's make small talk until it seems like you want to fuck me too" signals. Chat it up a lot, then carefully, carefully start moving into other territory.

And you probably know this (you'd be amazed at the number of guys who don't), but this is not a good way to get a girl:
Male: "How you doing?"
Female: "Fine."
Male: "You have a boyfriend? You married?"
Female: ". . . What?"
Male: "You wanna be my girlfriend?"

No. Don't do that. Even if 1 in 100 girls will say yes, please think of the 99 you're annoying.
posted by schroedinger at 8:48 PM on January 12, 2006

Alright, it's all about the vibe. By which I mean the approach.

This is good, if presented after a legitimately nice chat: "Yo, you're a cool girl. I'd love to hang out with you. Um, you gotta a number or an e-mail or a night that I can find you here?"

Not cool: Asking a girl out you've neither spoken to nor had a substantive conversation with, or a girl who has not looked you in the eye once during your conversation.
posted by desuetude at 9:13 PM on January 12, 2006

Make brief eye contact. Wait a few seconds, then walk up and say:

"Can I ask you a question? I'm trying to settle a debate with my friend. He thinks blah blah blah but I disagree with him. I think bleh bleh bleh. What do you think (I/he should do/say)?"

Keep the blahs and blehs to something that anyone could relate to or provide an uninformed opinion about like long-distance relationships, pet problems, minor family quibbles, tattoos, hairdos, or anything else completely harmless. No politics/religion/sexual questions. Throw in one or two more on-topic questions to keep the small chat going.

You got a bite. Now you need something a bit more personal: What kind of coffee are you drinking? Ever thought of getting a tattoo/mohawk yourself? Got any crazy 50-yr old uncles that like to put straws up their nose at the dinner table? Ever had an urge to walk up to a complete stranger to get their help to settle a dispute?

Read the signals. Keep up the momentum and cut out on a high note before any awkward silence can set in. Exit like a dork: I think I left my oven door open and I'm worried about the pilot light going out. Soy lattes don't seem to hold up well so I'll let you finish your coffee. I gotta run out and buy some XL pantyhose for my friend - he's playing a drag queen at a small production. + Can I get your number or email in case I have any other questions I can't answer with Google?
posted by junesix at 10:02 PM on January 12, 2006 [2 favorites has favorites]

I wouldn't be eager to hand out my number to someone I met on the street, but if someone chatted me up and then asked to meet me in a well-lit, public place at a reasonable hour, I might. (They could give me their number.)
posted by chickenmagazine at 5:31 AM on January 13, 2006

My friend and I have talked about this quite a bit. We have found the most success in random encounters by being unassuming, cute, well dressed, lucky, and most importantly curious and confused. The first three are self-explaining. But by lucky, I mean being in the right place at the right time. Meeting someone in an elevator is difficult, but meeting someone in an elevator that just saw a midget clown walk out of it, well that's just begging for comedic conversation. This is where curiosity and confusion come into play. By assessing the situation at hand and finding something to be curious and confused about, you can make someone laugh quite easily which is a great lead-in. "Don't get me wrong, I understand the pivotal role that clowns play in society, but what is he doing going into the Big and Tall Department".
posted by jasondigitized at 6:46 AM on January 13, 2006

I've been asked out by strangers a number of times. Most of the time, I'm flattered. If I wasn't seeing someone and had a good initial response, I would go out with the person. Chatting with the person before the offer to go out was always the right approach in my mind. The majority of the people who had the courage to offer an invitation turned out to be very nice people even if I never went out with them again.

Only twice have I been creeped out. Once, a woman complimented me on my clevage and then invited me to a group "date". The other time, I was very clearly pregnant and rapidly approaching my due date when the guy at the tire place invited me out. I declined both offers because I was already married. Otherwise, you know, they were so tempting...
posted by onhazier at 7:14 AM on January 13, 2006

Many years ago I chatted up a girl in a bookstore in the gay-ish neighborhood of my town (I am a girl, and date both boys and girls). We were talking about authors we liked and we had a lot of favorites in common. I got her number and we went out for coffee about a week later. On the date, it was obvious we had very little else in common. I guess my point is, at least if you chat for a while first, and act like a normal person, it couldn't hurt to ask them out. But the chances that you'll actually have anything to talk about past the first five minutes are probably less than or equal to the chances on your average blind date.
posted by matildaben at 8:55 AM on January 13, 2006

Script*:

'Hi. Sorry to bother you. I know this is weird, but, well, have you ever seen Citizen Kane? [Yes/No]

'I love that movie. [Remember that/There's this] scene where [Bernstein/this old guy] is talking about the strange things people remember, and he mentions a girl he saw 50 years ago on a ferry? He says, "and I only saw her for one second and she didn't see me at all - but I'll bet a month hasn't gone by since that I haven't thought of that girl." [or something approximating it]

'Well, I saw you over here, and I thought to myself, I don't want to have this girl be that girl for me, so I thought I'd at least come over and ask if you wanted to get coffee or something.'




* Will only work on a small subsection** of the populace.

** Really, will only work in movies. Maybe books. Not life.
posted by fidelity at 8:57 AM on January 13, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

I forgot that I actually did once go out with a stranger who asked me out. Guy bumped into me or something on the subway (I wasn't paying much attention at the time), I smiled and said no problem and exited the train. He came running up behind me, said I had the nicest smile he'd ever seen, and could we maybe grab a drink?

That relationship lasted all of two dates (and instituted my "I will not date guys who don't read for fun" rule), again due to the not having anything to talk about problem.

But again, that was someone who got the momentum going and kept it going, asking me to do something right then. For me, I guess, that makes it seem spontaneous enough that it doesn't sound like you're going from woman to woman trying to find something to do tomorrow night, but actually just trying to take advantage of a random meeting so you don't regret it.
posted by occhiblu at 9:23 AM on January 13, 2006